Megan Washington: Why I live in mortal dread of public speaking

260,124 views ・ 2014-08-08

TED


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

00:12
I didn't know when I agreed to do this
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whether I was expected to talk or to sing.
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But when I was told that the topic was language,
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I felt that I had to speak about something for a moment.
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I have a problem.
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It's not the worst thing in the world.
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I'm fine.
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I'm not on fire.
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I know that other people in the world
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have far worse things to deal with,
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but for me, language and music are
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inextricably linked through this one thing.
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And the thing is that I have a stutter.
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It might seem curious given that I spend
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a lot of my life on the stage.
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One would assume that I'm comfortable
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in the public sphere and comfortable here,
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speaking to you guys.
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But the truth is that I've spent my life up until this point
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and including this point, living in mortal dread
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of public speaking.
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Public singing, whole different thing. (Laughter)
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But we'll get to that in a moment.
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I've never really talked about it before so explicitly.
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I think that that's because I've always lived in hope
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that when I was a grown-up,
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I wouldn't have one.
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I sort of lived with this idea that when I'm grown,
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I'll have learned to speak French,
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and when I'm grown, I'll learn how to manage my money,
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and when I'm grown, I won't have a stutter,
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and then I'll be able to public speak and maybe be the prime minister
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and anything's possible and, you know.
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(Laughter)
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So I can talk about it now
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because I've reached this point, where —
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I mean, I'm 28.
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I'm pretty sure that I'm grown now.
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(Laughter)
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And I'm an adult woman
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who spends her life as a performer,
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with a speech impediment.
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So, I might as well come clean about it.
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There are some interesting angles to having a stutter.
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For me, the worst thing that can happen
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is meeting another stutterer.
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(Laughter)
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This happened to me in Hamburg, when
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this guy, we met and he said,
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"Hello, m-m-m-my name is Joe,"
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and I said, "Oh, hello, m-m-m-my name is Meg."
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Imagine my horror when I realized
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he thought I was making fun of him.
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(Laughter)
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People think I'm drunk all the time.
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(Laughter)
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People think that I've forgotten their name
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when I hesitate before saying it.
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And it is a very weird thing, because
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proper nouns are the worst.
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If I'm going to use the word "Wednesday" in a sentence,
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and I'm coming up to the word,
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and I can feel that I'm going to stutter or something,
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I can change the word to "tomorrow,"
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or "the day after Tuesday,"
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or something else.
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It's clunky, but you can get away with it,
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because over time I've developed this
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loophole method of using speech
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where right at the last minute you
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change the thing and you trick your brain.
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But with people's names, you can't change them.
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(Laughter)
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When I was singing a lot of jazz,
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I worked a lot with a pianist whose name was Steve.
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As you can probably gather,
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S's and T's, together or independently,
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are my kryptonite.
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But I would have to introduce the band
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over this rolling vamp,
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and when I got around to Steve,
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I'd often find myself stuck on the "St."
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And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable and it totally kills the vibe.
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So after a few instances of this,
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Steve happily became "Seve,"
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and we got through it that way. (Laughter)
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I've had a lot of therapy,
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and a common form of treatment is to use
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this technique that's called smooth speech,
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which is where you almost sing everything that you say.
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You kind of join everything together in this
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very singsong, kindergarten teacher way,
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and it makes you sound very serene, like you've had lots of Valium,
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and everything is calm. (Laughter)
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That's not actually me.
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And I do use that. I do.
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I use it when I have to be on panel shows,
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or when I have to do radio interviews,
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when the economy of airtime is paramount.
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(Laughter)
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I get through it that way for my job.
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But as an artist who feels that their work
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is based solely on a platform of honesty
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and being real,
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that feels often like cheating.
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Which is why before I sing, I wanted to tell you
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what singing means to me.
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It's more than making nice sounds,
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and it's more than making nice songs.
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It's more than feeling known, or understood.
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It's more than making you feel the things that I feel.
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It's not about mythology,
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or mythologizing myself to you.
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Somehow, through some miraculous
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synaptic function of the human brain,
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it's impossible to stutter when you sing.
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And when I was younger, that was a method of treatment
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that worked very well for me,
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singing, so I did it a lot.
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And that's why I'm here today.
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(Applause)
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Thank you.
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Singing for me is sweet relief.
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It is the only time when I feel fluent.
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It is the only time when what comes out of my mouth
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is comprehensively exactly what I intended.
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(Laughter)
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So I know that this is a TED Talk,
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but now i'm going to TED sing.
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This is a song that I wrote last year.
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Thank you very much. Thank you.
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(Applause)
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(Piano)
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♪ I would be a beauty ♪
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♪ but my nose ♪
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♪ is slightly too big ♪
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♪ for my face ♪
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♪ And I would be a dreamer ♪
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♪ but my dream ♪
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♪ is slightly too big ♪
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♪ for this space ♪
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♪ And I would be an angel ♪
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♪ but my halo ♪
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♪ it pales in the glow ♪
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♪ of your grace ♪
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♪ And I would be a joker ♪
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♪ but that card looks silly when you play ♪
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♪ your ace ♪
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♪ I'd like to know ♪
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♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪
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♪ And I'd like to know ♪
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♪ know if you can tell ♪
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♪ that you make me lose everything I know ♪
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♪ That I cannot choose to or not let go ♪
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♪ And I'd stay forever ♪
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♪ but my home ♪
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♪ is slightly too far ♪
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♪ from this place ♪
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♪ And I swear I tried to ♪
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♪ slow it down ♪
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♪ when I am walking at your pace ♪
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♪ But all I could think ♪
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♪ idling through the cities ♪
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♪ do I look pretty in the rain? ♪
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♪ And I don't know how someone ♪
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♪ quite so lovely ♪
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♪ makes me feel ugly ♪
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♪ So much shame ♪
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♪ And I'd like to know ♪
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♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪
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♪ And I'd like to know ♪
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♪ know if you can tell ♪
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♪ that you make me lose everything I know ♪
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♪ that I cannot choose to or not let go ♪
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Thank you very much. (Applause)
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