Letting go of God | Julia Sweeney

譯者: Suet Mei Hau 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

On September 10, the morning of my seventh birthday,

在九月十日, 我七歲生日的那個早上

I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

我從樓上走到廚房, 我媽媽在那裡洗著盤子

and my father was reading the paper or something,

我爸爸在讀著好像是報紙之類的東西,

and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

我故意的在門前讓他們看到我, 接著他們說:

"Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

『嘿, 生日快樂!』 我說: 『我七歲了！』

And my father smiled and said,

我爸爸笑著說:

"Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

『你知道這代表什麼嗎?』

And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party

我說: 『對, 我會有個生日派對和生日蛋糕！

and a cake and get a lot of presents?"

還有許多禮物！』我爸爸說: 『唔, 對！

And my dad said, "Well, yes.

But more importantly,

但, 更重要的是, 七歲代表你已經到可以「明白事理」的年紀了,

being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

你現在已經可以有能力去犯所有對神、人的罪惡了。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

其實我之前就聽「明白事理的年紀」這句話

Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

Mary Kevin修女已經在我二年級時

my second-grade class at school.

說過這字眼，但當她說的時候

But when she said it,

the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

這字眼好像只讓我們興奮的準備

for our first communion and our first confession,

我們將有的第一次的宗教交流和告解，

我們還以為這些都只是跟白裙和白面紗有關的，

and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress

and the white veil.

And anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention

我其實並不是太在意那句: 「明白事理的年紀」

to that phrase, "age of reason."

So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

於是, 我說:『 好, 對, 明白事理的年紀, 究竟意思是什麼?』

And my dad said, "Well, we believe, in the Catholic Church,

我爸爸接著說: 『對, 我們都相信天主教

that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

神知道小孩子並不太明白對和錯分別，

but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

但當你到了七歲, 你應該可以理解對和錯的分別。

所以, 你長大了, 也到了明白事理的年紀, 現在

So, you've grown up and reached the age of reason,

and now God will start keeping notes on you,

神會開始紀錄你所作的事, 並且會永遠保存下來』

and begin your permanent record."

(Laughter)

笑聲

And I said, "Oh ...

我說:『 等等, 你的意思是, 今天以前的所有時間，

Wait a minute.

You mean all that time, up till today,

以前我做過好的事, 神都沒有留意得到?』

all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

接著我媽媽說: 『對, 但我有留意的』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

我在想: 『為什麼我之前不知道這情況?

How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

為什麼當他們告訴我的時候, 我一直沒有掌握到？

原來我所作的好事, 並沒有真正的奬賞。

All that being good and no real credit for it.

And worst of all, how could I not have realized

可是, 最糟的是, 為什麼我一直沒有發現這個重要的訊息

this very important information

直到這天, 知道這訊息已經對我毫無用處了。』

until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

我說, 『好吧, 爸媽, 那聖誕老人又怎樣?

I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

我是說, 聖誕老人會知道你是乖不乖, 對嗎?』

And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

我爸爸說: 『對, 但親愛的

I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

我想這只是感恩節跟聖誕節的技術上分別。』

And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her. I mean, she's seven.

跟著我媽媽說: 『噢, 巴比, 停吧, 直接告訴她吧

她已經七歲了, Julie, 聖誕老人不存在的。』

Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

直到這裡, 我都還可以接受

My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

我的父母曾用心的演繹了整個聖誕老人的故事：

how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

他們曾經跟聖誕老人討論, 以及得到他的同意

that instead of Santa delivering our presents

為什麼聖誕老人不直接在聖誕夜把禮物送來，

over the night of Christmas Eve,

就好像他為其他家庭所做的

like he did for every other family who got to open their surprises

他們在聖誕早上起來的時候, 便已經收到了禮物的驚喜，

first thing Christmas morning,

our family would give Santa more time.

可是我們的家卻給聖誕老人多一點時間。

Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

如果我們的小朋友在聖誕早上九時彌撒的時候, 沒有頑皮,

on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

聖誕老人才會早上到我們的家放下禮物。

Which made me very suspicious.

這個令我很疑惑。

It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

這很明顯是我爸媽他們給我的禮物。

I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

我發現, 我爸爸有一種十分奇怪的包禮物方法，

and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

而我媽媽的筆跡卻跟聖誕老人非常近似。

(Laughter)

Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

還有, 為什麼聖誕老人還有時候走到別人的家之後

to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

還會折返到我們家？

There was only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

在這一大堆證據之下, 只有一個解釋

our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit,

就是我們的家太奇怪, 太怪異了

所以聖誕老人才不來，

and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

而我可憐的父母, 為了不想我們這怪異家庭

this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

因為被快樂的聖誕老人拒絕而太尷尬的。

but let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

但, 讓我們坦承吧, 他實在是太判定了！

So to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all

所以, 去發現這世界沒有聖誕老人, 也許也是一種解脫。

was actually sort of a relief.

I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

當我離開廚房的時候,我的確對聖誕老人感到驚奇，

but rather, I was just dumbfounded

但其實是有點兒驚呆

about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

為什麼我錯過了那段還沒有到了明白事理的年齡。

It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

對我來說, 這已經是太遲了。但我仍可以幫助其他人

someone who could use the information.

有人應該可以用這個資料的。

They had to fit two criteria:

但他們需要符合兩個條件:

they had to be old enough to be able to understand

他們要長大得足夠去明白

the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

整個明白事理的年齡的概念, 而又未到七歲。

The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

答案好明顯: 我的弟弟Bill, 他現在六歲。

Well, I finally found Bill

好了, 我在家附近的學校遊樂場找到Bill

about a block away from our house at this public school playground.

這是星期六，

It was a Saturday, and he was all by himself,

他只是一個人, 對著牆邊在踢球。

just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

我跑上去大叫: 『Bill!

I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

我剛剛發現, 當你七歲之後, 你便進了明白事理的年齡，

and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

你便會有能力對神或是對人犯罪。』

against God and man."

Bill 說:『 那又怎樣? 』我說：

And Bill said, "So?"

And I said, "So, you're six.

『你只有六歲, 你還有一年的時間做所有你想做的事

You have a whole year to do anything you want to and God won't notice it."

而神是不會跟你算賬的。』他又說: 『那又怎樣?』

And he said, "So?"

And I said, "So? So everything!"

我說：『你這什麼態度! 』我轉身想走, 我實在對他很憤怒

And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

But when I got to the top of the steps,

但當我準備起步時候, 我又戲劇性地回頭

I turned around dramatically and said,

接著說: 『還有, Bill, 世界上根本沒聖誕老人。』

"Oh, by the way, Bill -- there is no Santa Claus."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, I didn't know it at the time,

好了, 我當時不知道

but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10th.

但我並沒有真正在九月十日那天，踏進七歲的年紀。

For my 13th birthday,

在我十三歲的生日, 我正準備跟我的女朋友開一個通宵派對，

I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

在派對前的數個星期, 我媽媽忽然把我叫到一旁然後說:

"I need to speak to you privately.

『我需要跟你私下說清楚。

September 10th is not your birthday. It's October 10th."

九月十日不是你是生日, 你應該是十月十月生日的。』 我大叫:『 什麼?

And I said, "What?"

(Laughter)

And she said ...

(笑聲)

她說: 『聽著, 因為九月十五日出生是報讀幼稚園的分界線。』

(Laughter)

"Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15th."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"So I told them that your birthday was September 10th,

所以, 我告訴他們你的生日是在九月十日』

and then I wasn't sure

我又怕你會到處跟別人亂說，

that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10th.

所以我便告訴你, 你的生日是九月十日。

But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

但, 茱莉, 你當時已經準備好可以上學了, 親愛的

I thought about it, and when I was four,

我曾經想過, 當我四歲的時候

I was already the oldest of four children,

我已經是四個孩子之中最大的

and my mother even had another child to come,

我媽媽還有一個在肚裡準備出世，

so what I think she -- understandably -- really meant

所以她情有可原的認為她已經準備好讓我上學，

was that she was so ready, she was so ready.

她是如此的準備好。接下她說:

Then she said, "Don't worry, Julie.

Every year on October 10th,

『茱莉, 不用擔心, 我保証, 其實在每年的十月十日你生日的日子

when it was your birthday but you didn't realize it,

但你還忘記的時候, 我保証

I made sure that you ate a piece of cake that day."

你那天都有吃一塊蛋糕的。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Which was comforting, but troubling.

還真欣慰喔, 但卻也讓人困擾。

My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

我媽媽竟然跟我, 暗暗地慶祝我的生日。

(Laughter)

What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

我對這項新的資料實在感到很困惑

was not that I had to change the date of my slumber party

這困惑不是因為要跟我的女朋友更改我們

with all of my girlfriends.

通宵派對的日子，

What was most upsetting was that this meant I was not a Virgo.

最困惑的, 是這代表我竟然不是處女座。

I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom.

我的睡房掛了一張好大的處女座海報，

And I read my horoscope every single day,

我每天閱讀星座運勢, 明明就超準的!

and it was so totally me.

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And this meant that I was a Libra?

但我原來是天秤座？

So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

於是, 我搭公車到市中心買了張新的天秤座海報。

The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

那張處女座的海報有一幅很漂亮的長髮女人的圖畫，

sort of lounging by some water,

慵懶的躺在水邊，

but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

但那個天秤座海報卻只是一只大天秤。

This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

這個時候, 我也是剛開始長胖的時候，

and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

但我卻比起其他女孩長得較胖，

and frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

坦白說的, 那個星座的標誌是一只大天秤

just seemed ominous and depressing.

實在有點不吉祥及令人感到難受。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But I got the new Libra poster,

但我也貼了這新的天秤座海報，

and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

於是, 我開始去閱讀我的天秤座星座運程，

and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

我又吃驚的發現, 運勢所說的, 也是超準的!

(Laughter)

It wasn't until years later, looking back

直到數年前, 當我回想起

on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing,

這整個「明白事理的年紀」和「改變出生日期」的這些事，

that it dawned on me:

我才領悟到, 原來那時我還沒有到七歲

I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

當我以為我已經七歲的時候, 我還有一整個月

I had a whole other month

to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

在神沒有把我的行為記帳之前, 我還可以做任何我想做的事。

Oh, life can be so cruel.

唉, 生命實在是太殘忍了！

One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

有一天, 有兩個摩門教的傳教士來敲我的門。

Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

那時我剛好住在洛杉機的大道上，

and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

而我的住處, 剛好是整個區的開始

for people who are peddling things door to door.

特別為那些逐家逐戶拍門兜售的人來說。

Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

有時有些基督教復臨安息日教會的老女士會走過來

showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

給我展示那些關於天堂的卡通圖畫。

And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me

有時, 我又會遇到那些承諾不會加入黑社會

that they won't join a gang and just start robbing people,

和偷別人東西的年青人, 除非我願意

if I only buy some magazine subscriptions from them.

在他們那裡訂雜誌。

So normally, I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day, I answered.

所以, 平常我是不會理會那些門鈴的, 但那天我應了門。

And there stood two boys, each about 19, in white, starched short-sleeved shirts,

我看到門外站著兩個男孩, 大概都是十九歲吧，

穿著白色的短袖恤衫, 身上都掛有小名牌

and they had little name tags

that identified them as official representatives

証明他們是基督末世

聖徒教會的合法代表，

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

and they said they had a message for me, from God.

他們說, 他們會傳達一個神的訊息給我

I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

我說: 『有一個訊息給我? 由神而來? 』 他們說: 『是的』』

Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

我在太平洋西北地區長大

around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

那裡有許多末世聖徒教會的人

I've worked with them and even dated them,

我跟他們一起工作, 甚至跟他們約會過，

but I never really knew the doctrine,

可是我卻從來不知道他們宗教的教義

or what they said to people when they were out on a mission,

或是如何對外傳道, 我想, 因為出於一點好奇，

and I guess I was sort of curious, so I said, "Well, please, come in."

於是我說: 『好, 請進來。』 他們看起來很高興，

And they looked really happy,

因為我想這應該不常發生在他們身上吧。

because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

我帶他們坐下來, 我還給他們水

Ok, I got it, I got it.

好吧, 我明白, 我給了他們兩杯水

I got them glasses of water.

Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

別碰頭髮, 就是這問題

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

You can't put a video of myself in front of me

你不能在我面前放著我的錄影

and expect me not to fix my hair.

又不讓我整理頭髮吧。

Ok.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

所以, 我帶他們坐下, 給他們兩杯水

So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

and after niceties, they said,

在這些禮待之後, 他們說: 『你是否全心的相信神是愛你的?』

"Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

我想, 『是, 當然, 我相信神

but you know, I don't like that word 'heart,'

但, 你知道嗎, 我並不十分喜歡那個字眼: 全心

because it anthropomorphizes God,

因為這會把神人性化了，

and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

我也不喜歡那個字: 他, 因為這會性別化了神』』

But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

但我不想去跟他們在字眼的語義上爭辯，

so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said,

於是, 在一段很長, 很令人不安的停頓之後, 我說

"Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

『是的, 我是的, 感到非常的被愛』

And they looked at each other and smiled,

他們互相對視, 然後笑著，

like that was the right answer.

好像這正是正確的答案, 接著他們說，

And then they said, "Do you believe

『你相信我們在這地球全都是兄弟姊妹嗎?』

that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

我說: 『是, 我相信, 我相信,』 所以我便放心了

And I said, "Yes, I do."

And I was so relieved that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

因為這是一條我可以很快答出來的問題。

And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

他們說: 『好了, 我們有一個故事要告訴你。』

And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

於是, 他們告訴了我，關於一個名叫Lehi的男人的故事

who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

他在公元六百年前住在耶路撒冷。

Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC, everyone was completely bad and evil.

大概是公元前六百年的耶路撒冷，

每個人都很壞和邪惡, 每一個人:

Every single one of them: man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

包括 男人, 女人, 兒童, 嬰兒, 胎兒

And God came to Lehi and said to him,

神走去跟Lehi說: 『將你的家人搬上船

"Put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here."

我會帶領你離開這裡。』神果然帶領他們

And God did lead them.

He led them to America.

他帶了他們到美國』

I said, "America?

我說:『 美國? 在公元前六百年坐船由耶路撒冷到美國?』

(Laughter)

From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

And they said, "Yes."

他們說: 『是的。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

跟著, 他們告訴我, Lehi 和他的子孫

reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years,

繁殖再繁殖, 在這六百年裡

there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,

變成了兩大民族: Nephites和Lamanites

and the Nephites were totally good -- each and every one of them --

Nephites 是完全的好,---他們每一個人都是好人--

and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil --

而 Lamanites 是完全壞和邪惡-

每一個人都是壞至透骨。

every single one of them just bad to the bone.

(笑聲)

Then, after Jesus died on the cross for our sins,

跟著, 當耶穌為我們的罪釘在十字架上而死後,

on his way up to heaven,

他升上天堂的過程中, 他停在美國, 探訪了Nephites

he stopped by America and visited the Nephites.

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good --

他告訴他們: 如果他們的每一個人,

可以保持在完全完全的好--

each and every one of them --

they would win the war against the evil Lamanites.

他們便會在跟魔鬼Lamanites的戰爭中得到勝利

But apparently somebody blew it,

但明顯的, 有些人搞砸了,

because the Lamanites were able to kill all the Nephites.

因為Lamanites有能力殺死所有的Nephites。

All but one guy, this guy named Mormon,

當中只剩下一個人, 這個人名叫摩門,

who managed to survive by hiding in the woods.

他因為匿藏在叢林之中而僥倖生存。

And he made sure this whole story was written down

他為了保証整個故事能被記錄下來

in reformed Egyptian hieroglyphics chiseled onto gold plates,

他用古埃及的文字寫在金碟上,

which he then buried near Palmyra, New York.

然後把那些金碟埋在紐約近Palmyra的地方。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Well, I was just on the edge of my seat.

好了, 我差不多快要從我的椅子跌下來了。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I said, "What happened to the Lamanites?"

接下來我問, 『Lamanites發生了什麼事?』

And they said, "Well, they became our Native Americans, here in the U.S."

他們說: 『他們變成了我們美國的印第安人。』

我說, 所說, 『你相信美洲原住民是

And I said, "So, you believe the Native Americans are descended

from a people who were totally evil?"

那些完全邪惡的人的後代? 』他們說: 『是的。』

And they said, "Yes."

Then they told me how this guy named Joseph Smith

跟著他們告訴我一個名叫Joseph Smith的男人

found those buried gold plates right in his backyard,

怎樣在他的後園裡發那些埋藏了金碟，

and he also found this magic stone back there that he put into his hat

他也在那裡找到一塊魔法石, 當他把魔法石放在他的帽子內

同時把他的臉埋藏在帽子內的時候, 他便可以

and then buried his face into,

and this allowed him to translate the gold plates

可以把金碟內的埃及文翻譯成英文。

from the reformed Egyptian into English.

Well, at this point I just wanted to give these two boys some advice

在這裡, 我只想給這兩個男孩

關於他們推銷技巧的一些建議。

about their pitch.

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I wanted to say --

我想說: 『好吧, 不要由這個故事開始。』

(Applause)

"Ok, don't start with this story."

(Laughter)

I mean, even the Scientologists

我的意思是, 連加入山達基教也先要做性格測試

know to start with a personality test before they start --

(Applause)

(拍手)

telling people all about Xenu, the evil intergalactic overlord.

在他們告訴別人那個邪惡的銀河霸主Xenu的故事以前。

Then, they said, "Do you believe that God speaks to us

好了, 跟著他們說:『 你相信神會向我們說話

through his righteous prophets?"

透過他的正義的先知? 』我說: 『不, 我不信。』

And I said, "No, I don't,"

because I was sort of upset about this Lamanite story

因為, 我已經被那個 故事而弄得反感

還有那個瘋狂的金碟的故事, 但真相是

and this crazy gold plate story,

but the truth was, I hadn't really thought this through,

我沒有認真的想過這些, 所以我撤退了一點點, 我說:

so I backpedaled a little and I said,

"Well, what exactly do you mean by 'righteous'?

『那好, 那你所說的正義, 確實的意思是什麼?

And what do you mean by prophets? Like, could the prophets be women?"

你所說的先知又是什麼? 好像, 先知可以是女人嗎?』

And they said, "No." And I said, "Why?"

他們說: 『不會。』我問: 『為什麼? 』他們說:

And they said, "Well, it's because God gave women a gift

『那是因為神已經給女人一份很特別的禮物,

that is so spectacular,

it is so wonderful, that the only gift he had left over to give men

這是很奇妙的, 這是唯一衪只給男人的,

was the gift of prophecy."

就是預言的恩賜。』

What is this wonderful gift God gave women, I wondered?

我在想那神給女人奇妙的禮物是什麼?

可能是更能合作和適應的能力？

Maybe their greater ability to cooperate and adapt?

(Laughter)

Women's longer lifespan?

更長的生命預期? 事實上女人大概如是

The fact that women tend to be much less violent than men?

比起男人沒有那麼暴力? 但不, 不是這些禮物。

But no -- it wasn't any of these gifts.

They said, "Well, it's her ability to bear children."

他們說: 『那就是女人可以懷孕生孩子的能力。』

I said, "Oh, come on.

我說: 『噢, 救命, 我的意思是, 即使女人嘗試去懷孩子

I mean, even if women tried to have a baby every single year

由十五歲至四十五歲的每一年,

from the time they were 15 to the time they were 45,

assuming they didn't die from exhaustion,

假設她們不會氣絕身亡,

it still seems like some women would have some time left over

她們仍然可以有些時間剩下來聽聽神的說話。』

to hear the word of God."

但他們說:『 不！』

And they said, "No."

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Well, then they didn't look so fresh-faced and cute to me any more,

於是, 他們已經不再看來如此青澀和可愛了

但他們仍有話要說

but they had more to say.

They said, "Well, we also believe that if you're a Mormon,

他們說: 『我們也相信如果你也加入摩門教

and if you're in good standing with the church,

如果你跟教會有良好的聯繫, 當你死的時候

when you die, you get to go to heaven

你便可以跟你的家人永遠去到天堂。』

and be with your family for all eternity."

And I said, "Oh, dear.

我說: 『啊, 親愛的--

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

That wouldn't be such a good incentive for me."

這對我來說不是一個好的動機。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And they said, "Oh.

他們說: 『啊, 我們也會相信

(Laughter)

Hey! Well, we also believe that when you go to heaven,

當你到了天堂的時候, 你的身體也能

you get your body restored to you in its best original state.

保持在最佳的狀態。

Like, if you'd lost a leg, well, you get it back.

就好像, 如果你失去了一只腳, 你會尋得回來

Or, if you'd gone blind, you could see."

或是, 如果你盲了, 你會看見。』

I said, "Oh. Now, I don't have a uterus,

我說: 『啊, 現在, 我沒有了子宮因為我數年前曾有癌症

because I had cancer a few years ago.

所以, 意思是, 如果我到了天堂

So does this mean that if I went to heaven,

I would get my old uterus back?"

我可以找回我的老子宮?』 他們說: 『肯定

And they said, "Sure."

And I said, "I don't want it back. I'm happy without it." Gosh.

但我說: 『我不信要回它, 我因為沒有子宮而快樂。』

What if you had a nose job and you liked it?

假如, 你曾做過鼻子整型, 而你又喜歡新的鼻子?

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Would God force you to get your old nose back?

那上帝會不會迫你要回你原來的鼻子?

Then they gave me this Book of Mormon,

接著, 他們送了我這本摩門教的書。

told me to read this chapter and that chapter,

他們告訴 我要看這個章節, 那個章節,

and said they'd come back and check in on me,

然後他們說, 會再回來看我有沒有好好讀,

我好像有說過: 『不要急...』

and I think I said something like, "Please don't hurry,"

又或是: 『不要..... 』, 他們就走了。

or maybe just, "Please don't," and they were gone.

Ok, so I initially felt really superior to these boys,

OK, 起初的時候, 我是真的感到比起這兩個男孩佔了上風

and smug in my more conventional faith.

我在我的傳統信仰裡沾沾自喜, 但後來

But then the more I thought about it, the more I had to be honest with myself.

當我再想多一點的時候 我愈覺得我需要對自己更誠實。

假如有人走到我的門前 第一次告訴我有關

If someone came to my door

and I was hearing Catholic theology and dogma for the very first time,

天主教的教義, 他們說:

and they said, "We believe that God impregnated a very young girl

『我們相信神是透過一個年輕女孩

without the use of intercourse,

沒有經過性交而受孕,

and the fact that she was a virgin is maniacally important to us."

而事實上, 她是一個童貞是十分重要的--

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"And she had a baby, and that's the son of God,"

而她有了一個嬰兒, 這就是神的兒子。』

I mean, I would think that's equally ridiculous.

我的意思是, 我會想這是同等的可笑。

I'm just so used to that story.

我只是聽慣了這故事。

(Laughter)

笑聲

So, I couldn't let myself feel condescending towards these boys.

所以, 我不可以讓自己在這兩個男孩面前感到居高臨下。

But the question they asked me when they first arrived

但當他們一來到的時候, 所問我的第一個問題

卻縈繞在我的腦海:

really stuck in my head:

Did I believe that God loved me with all his heart?

我是否相信神是全心全意的愛我？

Because I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about that question.

因為我也不確定自己對這問題的真實感覺。

現在, 如果他們問我:

Now, if they had asked me,

"Do you feel that God loves you with all his heart?"

你感到神是全心全意的愛你嗎?

Well, that would have been much different, I think I would have instantly answered,

這, 這是很不一樣, 我想我會立即回答,

『是, 是的, 我常常都感覺得到。我感到神的愛當我受傷或是迷亂的時候,

"Yes, yes, I feel it all the time.

I feel God's love when I'm hurt and confused,

and I feel consoled and cared for.

我也感到被安慰和被照顧。我在神的愛中找到庇護

I take shelter in God's love when I don't understand why tragedy hits,

當我不明白為何悲劇會發生,

and I feel God's love when I look with gratitude at all the beauty I see."

當我感恩的看到世間上的美善, 我也感到神的愛。』

But since they asked me that question with the word "believe" in it,

但因為他們問是有關相信的問題,

somehow it was all different,

怎說這是很不同的,

because I wasn't exactly sure if I believed what I so clearly felt.

因為我並不十分肯定, 我是否可以相信我的感覺。