Letting go of God | Julia Sweeney

ジュリア・スウィーニー： 神様との決別

翻訳: Takako Sato 校正: Marika Taniguchi

On September 10, the morning of my seventh birthday,

9月10日 私が７才になった誕生日の朝

I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

母は台所で食器洗いをして

and my father was reading the paper or something,

父は新聞を読んでいたの

and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

私の姿を見て 両親は“お誕生日おめでとう”

"Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

”７才になったよ” と私

And my father smiled and said,

父がニコッとして言ったの

"Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

“７才になる意味はわかってるね？”

And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party

“ケーキを食べたりプレゼントを貰うってこと？”

and a cake and get a lot of presents?"

“そうとも言えるけど もっと大事なのは

And my dad said, "Well, yes.

But more importantly,

７才は分別年齢に達したってことさ

being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

神と人に対して罪を犯す可能性があるんだよ”

(Laughter)

（笑）

Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

“分別年齢”って表現はその前から聞いたことはあった

Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

２年生のクラスで シスターが言ってたの

my second-grade class at school.

でもシスターが言ってたのは

But when she said it,

the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

初めての聖餐や懺悔の準備に関わる―

for our first communion and our first confession,

興奮のように聞こえたのよ

白いドレスを着てベールをつけることだって思ってた

and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress

and the white veil.

And anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention

“分別年齢”という表現は 深く考えたことがなかったから

to that phrase, "age of reason."

So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

“もう一度おしえて” と言ったの

And my dad said, "Well, we believe, in the Catholic Church,

父が言うには “カトリック教会ではね

that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

小さな子どもは善悪の区別が出来ないと神はわかってるけど

but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

７才だと分別できるようになるんだ

もう大きくなったから これからは

So, you've grown up and reached the age of reason,

and now God will start keeping notes on you,

神様がお前の永久記録をつけ始めるのさ”

and begin your permanent record."

(Laughter)

（笑）

And I said, "Oh ...

“そうなんだ　でも待って　今日までずっと良い子にしてたのに

Wait a minute.

You mean all that time, up till today,

神様は気づいてくれなかったの？”

all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

“いや 私は気づいてたよ” と母

(Laughter)

（笑）

And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

私は思ったわ　“どうして

How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

今まで知らなかったのかしら？

良い子にしてた意味がないじゃない

All that being good and no real credit for it.

And worst of all, how could I not have realized

こんなに大事な情報を 意味がなくなる日まで

this very important information

知らなかったなんて最悪よ

until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

“じゃあ サンタさんは 良い子か

I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

悪い子かわかってるんでしょう？” と私

And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

父は “感謝祭と

I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

クリスマスの間だけだと思うよ”

And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her. I mean, she's seven.

母は “お父さん　教えちゃいましょうよ

この子は７才よ　サンタなんていないの”

Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

(Laughter)

（笑）

Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

実はね これにはあまり驚きはしなかった

My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

出来過ぎた話だと思ってたの

how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

普通の家ではクリスマスイブの夜に

that instead of Santa delivering our presents

サンタがプレゼントを届けて　翌朝一番に

over the night of Christmas Eve,

プレゼントを開けるけど

like he did for every other family who got to open their surprises

うちは両親が事前にサンタと相談してたから

first thing Christmas morning,

our family would give Santa more time.

サンタが来る時間が遅いわけ

Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

来る時間は 大ミサが行われるクリスマスの朝９時

on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

でも良い子にしていないと来てくれない

Which made me very suspicious.

とっても怪しいと思ったわ

It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

両親がプレゼントを用意してるのは明らかだった

I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

父の包装の仕方は独特だったし

and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

母とサンタの筆跡はそっくり

(Laughter)

Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

それに サンタが皆の家を回って

to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

わざわざ うちまで戻ってくるなんて変よね

There was only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

たくさんある証拠から導ける確かな結論は１つしかない

our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit,

我が家はあまりに異色すぎて

サンタさえ来ない

and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

両親は陽気なサンタに拒否された恥ずかしさから

this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

私たちを守ろうと頑張っていた

but let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

でもサンタだって良い子にしかプレゼントをくれない

So to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all

だから サンタが架空だってことは ある意味 安心できたの

was actually sort of a relief.

I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

あまりショックを受けず台所を後にしたんだけど

but rather, I was just dumbfounded

分別年齢を知らなかったことは

about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

本当に唖然としちゃったわ

It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

私には役に立たないけど この情報が使える―

someone who could use the information.

誰かに教えてあげられる

They had to fit two criteria:

それには基準が２つ

they had to be old enough to be able to understand

分別年齢の概念を

the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

理解できて ７才未満であること

The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

弟のビルは６才だわ

Well, I finally found Bill

弟は近所にある学校の遊び場で

about a block away from our house at this public school playground.

遊んでた　土曜日だったの

It was a Saturday, and he was all by himself,

１人でボール蹴りして遊んでいた弟に

just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

私は走り寄って言ったの

I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

“分別年齢は７才からだって 今わかったの

and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

７才になると罪を犯す可能性が出ちゃうのよ”

against God and man."

”だから何？”　“７才まであと１年あるじゃない

And Bill said, "So?"

And I said, "So, you're six.

それまで何をしても神様は気づかないのよ”

You have a whole year to do anything you want to and God won't notice it."

“それで？” と弟　“あんたバカね！”

And he said, "So?"

And I said, "So? So everything!"

走って帰ろうと思ったけど 頭に来たから

And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

But when I got to the top of the steps,

階段を上った所で 思わせぶりに振り返り

I turned around dramatically and said,

“そういえばね サンタなんていないのよ”

"Oh, by the way, Bill -- there is no Santa Claus."

(Laughter)

（笑）

Now, I didn't know it at the time,

その当時は知らなかったんだけど

but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10th.

9月10日に７才になったわけじゃなかった

For my 13th birthday,

13歳の誕生日に お泊まり会を計画したの

I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

でも その数週間前に 母に呼ばれて言われたの

"I need to speak to you privately.

“話さなくちゃいけないことがあるの

September 10th is not your birthday. It's October 10th."

誕生日は9月10日ではなく10月10日なの”　“えっ？”

And I said, "What?"

(Laughter)

And she said ...

（笑）

“幼稚園に入るには9月15日以前に生まれた子どもって言うもんだから”

(Laughter)

"Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15th."

(Laughter)

（笑）

"So I told them that your birthday was September 10th,

“だから誕生日は9月10日だって言ったのよ

and then I wasn't sure

あなたが いろんなところで言いふらしたら困るから

that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10th.

誕生日は9月10日だって言い始めたのよ

But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

でもね あなたは準備万端だったのよ”

I thought about it, and when I was four,

私は４歳のとき

I was already the oldest of four children,

既に４人兄弟の一番上で

and my mother even had another child to come,

母は５人目を妊娠中だったから

so what I think she -- understandably -- really meant

母が意味していたのは 彼女が準備万端だったのよ

was that she was so ready, she was so ready.

それで母は言ったの

Then she said, "Don't worry, Julie.

Every year on October 10th,

“心配しないで　毎年10月10日の誕生日には

when it was your birthday but you didn't realize it,

気づかなかったでしょうけど

I made sure that you ate a piece of cake that day."

ケーキを食べさせてたのよ”

(Laughter)

（笑）

Which was comforting, but troubling.

嬉しいのか何なのか

My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

私がその場にいながら 母は私抜きで誕生日を祝ってたの

(Laughter)

What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

これを聞いて動揺したのは

was not that I had to change the date of my slumber party

お泊まり会の日を

with all of my girlfriends.

変更することではなく

What was most upsetting was that this meant I was not a Virgo.

実は乙女座じゃなかったってこと

I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom.

部屋に大きな乙女座のポスターを貼っていて

And I read my horoscope every single day,

毎日星占いも読んでたの　しかも占いは大当たり

and it was so totally me.

(Laughter)

（笑）

And this meant that I was a Libra?

私は天秤座だったってこと？

So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

だから 私は天秤座のポスターを買いに行ったの

The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

乙女座のポスターは長い髪の美女が

sort of lounging by some water,

水辺で くつろいでいる絵だけど

but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

天秤座は巨大な天秤だけ

This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

当時 私は成長期で

and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

他の子よりも成長が早かったから

and frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

正直 サインが天秤だなんて

just seemed ominous and depressing.

不吉で憂鬱にしか感じなかった

(Laughter)

（笑）

But I got the new Libra poster,

でも新しいポスターを買って

and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

天秤座の星占いを読み始めたら

and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

あまりにも私にぴったりだったから驚いたわ

(Laughter)

It wasn't until years later, looking back

分別年齢や誕生日の話を

on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing,

思い出して ７才になったと思ったときに

that it dawned on me:

実はまだ６才だったと気づいたのは

I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

しばらくしてからなの　神様が私の記録を

I had a whole other month

to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

つけ始めるまで 自由な時間が1か月もあったのよ

Oh, life can be so cruel.

ああ　人生って残酷よね

One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

ある日 モルモン宣教師２人組が訪ねて来たの

Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

ロスの賑やかな場所に住んでいたから

and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

セールスや勧誘の人が 家々を

for people who are peddling things door to door.

回り始める場所だったの

Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

セブンスデー・アドベンチスト教会の婦人が

showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

天国の絵を持って来たり

And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me

雑誌の購読契約をしてくれれば 僕はギャングになったり

that they won't join a gang and just start robbing people,

強奪はしないよと言う

if I only buy some magazine subscriptions from them.

10代の子が来ることもあった

So normally, I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day, I answered.

だから普段は居留守を使うんだけど この日は出たの

And there stood two boys, each about 19, in white, starched short-sleeved shirts,

糊がきいた白の半袖シャツを着た19歳位の

男の子が２人立っていて

and they had little name tags

that identified them as official representatives

末日聖徒イエス・キリスト教会の代表者だと

書いてある小さな名札をつけていた

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

and they said they had a message for me, from God.

その２人は 神からのお言葉を伝えに来たって言うの

I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

“神様から私宛ての伝言？”　“そうです”

Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

私は末日聖徒教会の信者がたくさんいる―

around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

アメリカの太平洋沿岸で育ったから

I've worked with them and even dated them,

仕事も一緒にしたり デートだってしたことがある

but I never really knew the doctrine,

でも 教義や 布教活動でどんなことを言うのか―

or what they said to people when they were out on a mission,

無知だったから 好奇心が出ちゃって

and I guess I was sort of curious, so I said, "Well, please, come in."

“お入りください” と言ったら とても嬉しそうだった

And they looked really happy,

家に上がるなんて稀だと思うの

because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

（笑）

(Laughter)

And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだしたの

Ok, I got it, I got it.

水を差しだした部分からね

I got them glasses of water.

Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

髪を触っちゃいけないのよね

(Laughter)

（笑）

You can't put a video of myself in front of me

自分が映るビデオを目の前にして

and expect me not to fix my hair.

髪を触らないなんて無理よ

Ok.

（笑）

(Laughter)

彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだした

So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

and after niceties, they said,

軽い会話の後 “神が心から愛してくれていると信じますか？” って聞かれたの

"Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

私は心の中で “もちろん神様のことは信じているけど

but you know, I don't like that word 'heart,'

心っていう言葉が引っかかる

because it anthropomorphizes God,

神を擬人化しちゃうもの

and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

それに神を ‘彼’として扱うのも好きじゃない”

But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

でも語意で争いたくなかったから

so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said,

ぎこちなくて長い沈黙の後

"Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

“はい　深い愛を感じます”

And they looked at each other and smiled,

模範解答だったかのように

like that was the right answer.

彼らは顔を見合わせ にっこりした

And then they said, "Do you believe

“人類みな兄弟だと信じますか？”

that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

“はい　信じます”

And I said, "Yes, I do."

And I was so relieved that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

即答できる質問でホッとしたわ

And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

“聴かせたいお話があるんです”

And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

彼らは紀元前600年にエルサレムにいたという―

who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

リーハイという男の話を始めたの

Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC, everyone was completely bad and evil.

その当時は男も女も

子どもも 赤ん坊も 胎児も

Every single one of them: man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

みんな邪悪だったらしく

And God came to Lehi and said to him,

リーハイは “ボートにみんなを乗せれば

"Put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here."

ここから脱出させてあげよう” という啓示を受け

And God did lead them.

He led them to America.

アメリカに移住したって言うの

I said, "America?

“紀元前600年にボートでエルサレムからアメリカに来たって？”

(Laughter)

From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

And they said, "Yes."

“そうです”

(Laughter)

（笑）

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

リーハイとその子孫は

reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years,

600年の間 子孫を増やして

there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,

ニーファイ人とレーマン人の2つの人種に大きく分かれた

and the Nephites were totally good -- each and every one of them --

ニーファイ人は誰もが善良で

and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil --

レーマン人は誰もが

骨の髄まで邪悪だったそうな

every single one of them just bad to the bone.

（笑）

Then, after Jesus died on the cross for our sins,

キリストは十字架にかけられた後

on his way up to heaven,

天国へ行く途中 アメリカに寄ってニーファイ人を訪ね

he stopped by America and visited the Nephites.

(Laughter)

（笑）

And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good --

一人残らずニーファイ人が

善良でいるならば

each and every one of them --

they would win the war against the evil Lamanites.

悪のレーマン人との戦いに勝たせてあげようと言ったんだって

But apparently somebody blew it,

でも 誰かが これをぶち壊しちゃった

because the Lamanites were able to kill all the Nephites.

レーマン人がニーファイ人を皆殺しにしたの

All but one guy, this guy named Mormon,

でも 森に身を潜めて 生き延びた―

who managed to survive by hiding in the woods.

モルモンって男がいたのよ

And he made sure this whole story was written down

彼は事の全てを金版に神官文字で

in reformed Egyptian hieroglyphics chiseled onto gold plates,

彫り刻み ニューヨークのパルミラ近くに

which he then buried near Palmyra, New York.

埋めたそうなの

(Laughter)

（笑）

Well, I was just on the edge of my seat.

私は身を乗り出しちゃった

(Laughter)

（笑）

I said, "What happened to the Lamanites?"

“レーマン人はどうなったの？”

And they said, "Well, they became our Native Americans, here in the U.S."

“彼らはアメリカでネイティブアメリカンとなりました”

“邪悪な人たちの子孫がネイティブアメリカンだと

And I said, "So, you believe the Native Americans are descended

from a people who were totally evil?"

信じてるの？”　“そうです”

And they said, "Yes."

Then they told me how this guy named Joseph Smith

そして ジョセフ・スミスという人が

found those buried gold plates right in his backyard,

裏庭から金版と魔法の石を掘り出し

and he also found this magic stone back there that he put into his hat

それを帽子の中に入れて顔を埋めると

神官文字から英語へと

and then buried his face into,

and this allowed him to translate the gold plates

翻訳できたっていうの

from the reformed Egyptian into English.

Well, at this point I just wanted to give these two boys some advice

この時点で その男の子たちの

売り込み方を指導したくなったわ

about their pitch.

(Laughter)

（笑）

I wanted to say --

“その話から切り出しちゃだめよ” ってね

(Applause)

"Ok, don't start with this story."

(Laughter)

I mean, even the Scientologists

サイエントロジーだって ジヌーや宇宙の邪悪な帝王の話の前に

know to start with a personality test before they start --

(Applause)

（拍手）

telling people all about Xenu, the evil intergalactic overlord.

性格診断から始めるわよね

Then, they said, "Do you believe that God speaks to us

２人は “義にかなう預言者を通じた―

through his righteous prophets?"

神との対話を信じますか”　“いいえ”

And I said, "No, I don't,"

because I was sort of upset about this Lamanite story

レーマン人や金版の話に

納得がいかなかったけど

and this crazy gold plate story,

but the truth was, I hadn't really thought this through,

実はよく考えてなかったから 少し考え直して

so I backpedaled a little and I said,

"Well, what exactly do you mean by 'righteous'?

“義にかなう とか 預言者って

And what do you mean by prophets? Like, could the prophets be women?"

どういう意味かしら？　女性でもなれるの？”

And they said, "No." And I said, "Why?"

“いいえ” と言う２人に私は理由を尋ねたの

And they said, "Well, it's because God gave women a gift

“神は女たちに目覚ましい贈り物をしたので

that is so spectacular,

it is so wonderful, that the only gift he had left over to give men

男たちに残された唯一の贈り物が

was the gift of prophecy."

預言なのです”

What is this wonderful gift God gave women, I wondered?

女が貰った贈り物って何だろう？

女性の協調性や適応力？

Maybe their greater ability to cooperate and adapt?

(Laughter)

Women's longer lifespan?

男よりも長生きして 男よりも暴力的じゃないこと？

The fact that women tend to be much less violent than men?

でもそんなことじゃなかったの

But no -- it wasn't any of these gifts.

They said, "Well, it's her ability to bear children."

“子どもを産めることです” って言うの

I said, "Oh, come on.

“出産が原因で過労死しないと仮定して

I mean, even if women tried to have a baby every single year

女の人が15歳から45歳まで

from the time they were 15 to the time they were 45,

assuming they didn't die from exhaustion,

毎年子どもを産み続けたとしても

it still seems like some women would have some time left over

まだ神からの言葉を聴ける時間が

to hear the word of God."

残っていそうだけど”　“違います”

And they said, "No."

(Laughter)

（笑）

Well, then they didn't look so fresh-faced and cute to me any more,

彼らがもう初々しく見えなくなっちゃった

でも彼らは更に続けて

but they had more to say.

They said, "Well, we also believe that if you're a Mormon,

“敬虔なモルモン教徒でいたならば

and if you're in good standing with the church,

あなたが死を迎えるとき

when you die, you get to go to heaven

天国に行って永久に家族と一緒にいられるのです”

and be with your family for all eternity."

And I said, "Oh, dear.

“あら まあ！

(Laughter)

（笑）

That wouldn't be such a good incentive for me."

私には励みにもならないわね”

(Laughter)

（笑）

And they said, "Oh.

さらに彼らは “天国では完全な状態の肉体を

(Laughter)

Hey! Well, we also believe that when you go to heaven,

取り戻せると信じています

you get your body restored to you in its best original state.

例えば 足を失った人は

Like, if you'd lost a leg, well, you get it back.

足を取り戻しますし

Or, if you'd gone blind, you could see."

盲人は視覚を取り戻します”

I said, "Oh. Now, I don't have a uterus,

そこで私が “ガンで数年前に子宮を

because I had cancer a few years ago.

摘出したけど 子宮も取り戻せるの？”

So does this mean that if I went to heaven,

I would get my old uterus back?"

“もちろんです”

And they said, "Sure."

And I said, "I don't want it back. I'm happy without it." Gosh.

“いらないわよ　無くて結構”

What if you had a nose job and you liked it?

整形した鼻に満足している場合はどうなの？

(Laughter)

（笑）

Would God force you to get your old nose back?

神は元の鼻をつけろ とでも言うのかしら

Then they gave me this Book of Mormon,

その後モルモン書を渡されて

told me to read this chapter and that chapter,

後日戻って来るから

and said they'd come back and check in on me,

読んでおくように言われたの

“それは結構よ”って―

and I think I said something like, "Please don't hurry,"

言ったと思うけど 彼らは帰って行った

or maybe just, "Please don't," and they were gone.

Ok, so I initially felt really superior to these boys,

月並みの信念に浸っている自分に

and smug in my more conventional faith.

初めは私の方が正しいと思ってたけど

But then the more I thought about it, the more I had to be honest with myself.

自分の信念も考え直すようになったの

もし誰かが訪ねて来て カトリック神学や

If someone came to my door

and I was hearing Catholic theology and dogma for the very first time,

教義を初めて聴かされ

and they said, "We believe that God impregnated a very young girl

“神は性交渉なしに若い女の子を

without the use of intercourse,

身ごもらせて―

and the fact that she was a virgin is maniacally important to us."

その子が処女だって事実が大切なんだけど

(Laughter)

（笑）

"And she had a baby, and that's the son of God,"

彼女が神の子を産みました”

I mean, I would think that's equally ridiculous.

なんて言われたら 馬鹿げてると思うもの

I'm just so used to that story.

通説だから何も思わなかったのよ

(Laughter)

（笑）

So, I couldn't let myself feel condescending towards these boys.

だから ２人には偉そうな顔ができなかった

But the question they asked me when they first arrived

でも 最初に質問された―

神に心から愛されていると

really stuck in my head:

Did I believe that God loved me with all his heart?

信じるかという質問だけが頭から離れませんでした

Because I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about that question.

なぜなら 自分の真意が曖昧だったからです

もし 神があなたを

Now, if they had asked me,

"Do you feel that God loves you with all his heart?"

心から愛しているのを感じますかって聞かれたら

Well, that would have been much different, I think I would have instantly answered,

私の答えはずいぶん違って こんな感じで即答したと思います

“はい　傷ついたり迷ったりしているときに神様の愛を感じます

"Yes, yes, I feel it all the time.

I feel God's love when I'm hurt and confused,

and I feel consoled and cared for.

癒しと労りを感じます　なぜ惨事が起こるのか―

I take shelter in God's love when I don't understand why tragedy hits,

分からない時は神の愛に助けを求め

and I feel God's love when I look with gratitude at all the beauty I see."

感謝の念で美を見るときに神の愛を感じます”

But since they asked me that question with the word "believe" in it,

でも 質問の中で信じるという言葉が使われたから

somehow it was all different,

答えがずいぶんと変わってしまいました

because I wasn't exactly sure if I believed what I so clearly felt.

感じると信じるは別物のような感じがしたからです