How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky

翻译人员: Junyi Sha 校对人员: Yuxiao Chen

Speaking up is hard to do.

放大声音得说话并不简单。

I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago,

我直到整整一个月前，当我 与妻子初为父母的时候

when my wife and I became new parents.

才理解这个短语的真正用意。

那是一个神奇的时刻。

It was an amazing moment.

It was exhilarating and elating,

那是一个令人兴奋 与激动的时刻，

但是那也是可怕的， 令人恐惧的时刻。

but it was also scary and terrifying.

And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital,

当我们刚从医院回到家的时候， 尤其令人恐惧

and we were unsure

我们并不确定

我们刚出生的宝宝是否 能从母乳中得到足够的养分。

whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding.

And we wanted to call our pediatrician,

我们想打电话给我们的儿科医生，

but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression

但是我们也不想给别人 留下不好的第一印象，

or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent.

或者被当作是疯狂的， 神经质的父母。

所以我们很担心。

So we worried.

And we waited.

但我们选择了等待。

当我们第二天早上 去见医生的时候，

When we got to the doctor's office the next day,

she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated.

她立刻给宝宝开了配方， 因为他脱水很严重。

我们的儿子现在已经好了，

Our son is fine now,

and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her.

我们的医生也让我们放心， 可以随时联系她。

但是在那个时刻，

But in that moment,

I should've spoken up, but I didn't.

我应该大声说出来的，我却没做到。

But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't,

但是有时我们也会在不该说话的时候 放声大说，

and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down.

我是在10年多以前，当我让我的 双胞胎兄弟失望的时候，学会的。

My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker,

我的双胞胎兄弟 是一个纪录片摄影师，

and for one of his first films,

在他的早期作品中，

he got an offer from a distribution company.

有一部得到了分销公司的青睐。

He was excited,

他很激动，

and he was inclined to accept the offer.

也倾向于接受这份邀请。

But as a negotiations researcher,

但是作为一名谈判研究员，

I insisted he make a counteroffer,

我坚持要求他拒绝这份邀请，

and I helped him craft the perfect one.

并帮助他起草了一份完美的合同。

And it was perfect --

而那确实是完美的－

it was perfectly insulting.

完美的侮辱行为。

那家公司感到被冒犯了，

The company was so offended,

他们就真的撤回了他们的邀请，

they literally withdrew the offer

and my brother was left with nothing.

然后我兄弟就一无所有了。

And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up:

我问过来自世界各地的人， 关于大声说的两难问题：

when they can assert themselves,

当他们可以断言的时候，

when they can push their interests,

当他们可以推动自身利益的时候，

when they can express an opinion,

当他们可以表达观点的时候，

当他们提出一个有抱负的要求的时候。

when they can make an ambitious ask.

And the range of stories are varied and diverse,

我听过大量的，各不相同的故事，

但他们却共同编织了同一幅绣帷。

but they also make up a universal tapestry.

Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake?

我能在老板们犯错时 纠正他们的错误吗？

Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes?

我能与老是踩到 我脚趾的同事对质吗？

Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke?

我能质疑朋友讲的 不合时宜的笑话吗？

Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?

我能告诉我最爱的人 我内心深处的不安全感吗？

And through these experiences, I've come to recognize

通过这些经历，我开始认识到

that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior.

我们每个人都是有一个 可接受行为范围的。

Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much.

有些时候，我们太强势了： 我们给自己负压太大。

That's what happened with my brother.

那就是发生在 我兄弟身上的事件所表明的。

Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior.

甚至提出一个建议，都是在他 可接受行为范围之外的了

But sometimes we're too weak.

但是有时，我们又太软弱了。

That's what happened with my wife and I.

就是我和我妻子所表现出来的。

And this range of acceptable behaviors --

而这个可接受行为范围－

when we stay within our range, we're rewarded.

当我们呆在范围内的时候， 我们就会被奖励。

When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways.

当我们跨出范围圈的时候， 我们就会受到不同形式的惩罚。

We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized.

我们被开除或贬低，甚至被排斥。

我们失去加薪或晋升，或是一笔交易。

Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.

Now, the first thing we need to know is:

现在，我们需要明白的第一件事就是：

What is my range?

我的域是什么？

But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed;

但关键问题是，我们的 可接受范围并不固定；

它实际上是高度动态的。

it's actually pretty dynamic.

It expands and it narrows based on the context.

它会随具体语境而放大或缩小。

And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else,

有一样东西在可接受范围大小 这件事上起决定性作用，

那就是你的实力。

and that's your power.

Your power determines your range.

你的实力决定了你的可接受范围域。

What is power?

实力是指什么？

Power comes in lots of forms.

实力是以各种形式呈现的。

In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.

在谈判中，实力以 其他解决方案的形式呈现。

So my brother had no alternatives;

而我的兄弟没有其他选择；

he lacked power.

他的实力不够。

公司就有很多的备用选择；

The company had lots of alternatives;

they had power.

他们的实力很强。

有时是新到一个国家， 例如移民，

Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant,

or new to an organization

或是新加入一个组织，

or new to an experience,

或是对什么事情没有经验，

like my wife and I as new parents.

就像我和我妻子初为人父母。

Sometimes it's at work,

有的时候是在工作上，

where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate.

有人是老板， 而另一些人是下属。

Sometimes it's in relationships,

有时是在情感上，

where one person's more invested than the other person.

一个人比另一个人投入更多

And the key thing is that when we have lots of power,

重点是，当我们有强大的实力时，

our range is very wide.

我们的可接受范围 就会变得非常广。

We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

我们的行动就有了很大的余地。

But when we lack power, our range narrows.

但是当我们实力不足时， 我们的域就会缩小。

We have very little leeway.

我们行动就变得局限。

The problem is that when our range narrows,

问题是当我们的 可接受范围缩小的时候，

that produces something called the low-power double bind.

就会进入一种“弱势两难”的处境。

The low-power double bind happens

当我们陷入“弱势两难”的处境时，

我们不为自己说话，就会被忽视，

when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed,

but if we do speak up, we get punished.

当我们说出来的时候，又会被惩罚。

Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind"

你们中的很多人都听过 “双重约束”这个短语，

并把它和另一样事物挂钩， 就是性别。

and connected it with one thing, and that's gender.

性别两难就是指当女性不发声， 就会被忽视，

The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed,

and women who do speak up get punished.

但女性为自己说话， 又会被惩罚的情况。

关键是，女性有着 与男性同样的为自己说话的需求

And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up,

但她们这样做会遇到更多的障碍。

but they have barriers to doing so.

但是我在过去二十年里的研究中发现，

But what my research has shown over the last two decades

is that what looks like a gender difference

这个看似是性别差异，

其实并不是真正的性别两难困境，

is not really a gender double bind,

it's a really a low-power double bind.

其实是弱势两难的问题。

And what looks like a gender difference

那些表面上看似是性别差异

are really often just power differences in disguise.

其实质只是实力差异伪装成的样子。

Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman

很多时候，当我们看到 一位男性和一位女性之间的差距时，

或者男性与女性之间，

or men and women,

我们就会想，“生理因素。

and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different

两性在本质上就是不同的。”

about the sexes."

But in study after study,

但是在一个又一个的研究当中，

我找到了一个能更好解释 很多案例中性别差距的原因

I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences

is really power.

那就是实力。

And so it's the low-power double bind.

所以把它称作弱势两难困境。

And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range,

处于弱势两难就意味着 我们的可接受范围很窄

and we lack power.

我们实力不足。

We have a narrow range,

我们的可接受范围越窄，

and our double bind is very large.

我们的弱势两难就越明显。

所以我们必须找到方法， 扩大我们的可接受范围。

So we need to find ways to expand our range.

And over the last couple decades,

在过去的几十年中，

my colleagues and I have found two things really matter.

我和我的同事找到了 两个重要的影响因素

The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes.

第一点：你在自己眼中是实力者。

The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others.

第二点：你在他人眼中是实力者。

When I feel powerful,

当感到自己实力强大，

就会很自信，不会害怕；

I feel confident, not fearful;

就能扩大自己的域。

I expand my own range.

When other people see me as powerful,

当他人把自己看作实力强大的人时，

they grant me a wider range.

他们就给予了我更广的可接受范围。

所以我们需要工具去扩大 我们的可接受行为范围。

So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior.

And I'm going to give you a set of tools today.

我今天就要给你们一套工具。

Speaking up is risky,

大声说是有风险的一件事，

but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.

但是这些工具会降低 大声说的风险。

我要给你们的第一个工具 是在协商领域被发现的，

The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations

in an important finding.

是很重要的一个发现。

On average, women make less ambitious offers

平均来看，女性在谈判桌上， 相比男性，

and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table.

更少的提出有野心的条件， 并取得更差的结果。

但是汉娜·赖利·鲍里斯 和艾米丽·阿曼图拉发现

But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered

there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men

在有一种情况下，女性 和男性是同等的野心勃勃

也能得到同等的结果。

and are just as ambitious.

That's when they advocate for others.

那就是当她们在为他人说话的时候。

When they advocate for others,

当她们在为他人说话时，

they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind.

她们就会发觉自己的 可接受范围并在脑海中扩大它。

They become more assertive.

她们变得更加自信。

This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect."

这就是我们经常说的“熊妈妈效应”。

Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

就像熊妈妈在维护自己的熊宝宝，

when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.

当我们为他人声张的时候， 我们就能发掘自己的声音。

但是有些时候， 我们必须为自己放声说。

But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves.

How do we do that?

我们应该怎么做呢？

One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves

为自己讲话需要的 最重要的工具就是

is something called perspective-taking.

一种叫做“换位思考”的东西。

And perspective-taking is really simple:

“换位思考”其实很简单：

就仅仅是通过另一个人的 眼睛看世界而已。

it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person.

这是我们扩大自身可接受范围 的最重要的工具。

It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range.

When I take your perspective,

当我站在你的立场，

and I think about what you really want,

去想你真正想要什么的时候，

你就更有可能给我，我真正想要的。

you're more likely to give me what I really want.

But here's the problem:

但是这有一个问题：

perspective-taking is hard to do.

“换位思考”是一件很难的事情。

So let's do a little experiment.

让我们做一点儿实验。

I want you all to hold your hand just like this:

我希望你们所有人都像这样， 把手举起来，

your finger -- put it up.

把手指竖起来，

And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead

我希望你们在自己的 额头上写一个大写的E

越快越好。

as quickly as possible.

好吧，结果表明我们 有两种不同的书写方法，

OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways,

and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking.

这就是原本用来测试 换位思考的实验。

I'm going to show you two pictures

我要给你们展示两张人们

of someone with an E on their forehead --

在额头上写着E的图片－

my former student, Erika Hall.

这是我以前的学生，艾丽卡·赫尓。

And you can see over here,

你们在这里看到的，

that's the correct E.

是正确的E。

I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person.

我这样画E，所以其他人 就能把它认成E。

这就是“换位思考”的E，

That's the perspective-taking E

because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point.

因为它是别人眼中的E。

But this E over here is the self-focused E.

但是这边的E则是“自我中心”的E。

We often get self-focused.

我们时常会以自我为中心。

And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.

特别是在危机情况下更容易。

我希望和你们谈谈 一次特别的危机。

I want to tell you about a particular crisis.

A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California.

一个男人走进一家位于加利福尼亚州， 沃森维尔市的银行。

And he says, "Give me $2,000,

他说，“给我2000美金，

or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb."

要不我就炸了整个银行。”

Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money.

而银行经理没有给他钱。

她退了一步。

She took a step back.

She took his perspective,

她尝试站在他的角度，

and she noticed something really important.

她注意到了一件很重要的事情。

He asked for a specific amount of money.

他要求的是具体数额的钱。

So she said,

所以她说，

"Why did you ask for $2,000?"

“为什么你需要2000美金？”

男人说，“如果不能立即拿到2000美金，

And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted

unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

我的朋友就要被驱逐出境了。“

And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank --

然后经理说， “哦，那你不是要抢银行－

你是需要贷款。”

you want to take out a loan."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"Why don't you come back to my office,

“为什么不跟我回到办公室，

我们就可以让你填好需要的文件。”

and we can have you fill out the paperwork."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

她的快速换位思考的 能力解除了一个危机形势。

Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation.

当我们能够从他人的角度看问题时，

So when we take someone's perspective,

it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.

我们就会变得有抱负， 自信，但同时招人喜欢。

Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable,

还有另一种能让我们既自信， 又能招人喜欢的办法，

and that is to signal flexibility.

那就是展现灵活性。

Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car.

现在，想象自己是一名汽车销售员， 你要卖给别人一辆车。

You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options.

如果你能给他们两种选择， 你更容易卖出车。

比如选项A：

Let's say option A:

$24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty.

两万四美金购车，五年免修。

或是选项B：

Or option B:

$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

两万三美金购车，三年免修。

My research shows that when you give people a choice among options,

我的研究显示了，当你 给人们一些选择的余地时，

it lowers their defenses,

他们会降低自我防范意识，

and they're more likely to accept your offer.

他们更容易接受你的邀请。

And this doesn't just work with salespeople;

这不仅仅只在销售人员这里有用；

it works with parents.

它在父母这里也有用。

When my niece was four,

当我的侄女四岁的时候，

she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything.

她拒绝穿衣服，拒绝一切。

But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea.

但是后来嫂子想出了 一个绝妙的主意。

如果我给我的女儿一种选择呢？

What if I gave my daughter a choice?

This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.

这件衣服或是那件？好吧，那件。

This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.

这条裤子还是那条？好吧，那条。

And it worked brilliantly.

问题被出色的解决了。

She got dressed quickly and without resistance.

她很快穿好了衣服， 没有任何抵抗。

当我在世界各地问这个问题，

When I've asked the question around the world

when people feel comfortable speaking up,

什么时候人们能够 舒服地大声说出想法，

the number one answer is:

排名第一的回答是：

"When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies."

“当我能在观众中得到支持； 当我有队友的时候。”

所以我们希望有盟友支持自己。

So we want to get allies on our side.

How do we do that?

我们要如何做到这一点？

Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.

好吧，一种方式是做一只熊妈妈。

当我们为他人发声的时候，

When we advocate for others,

we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others,

我们就扩大了我们自己的范围， 也扩大了别人眼中的我们，

我们同时也得到了强有力的盟友。

but we also earn strong allies.

Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places,

另一种得到盟友的方式， 特别是身居高位的时候，

is by asking other people for advice.

就是寻求他人的建议。

When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them,

当我们向他人寻求建议时，他们 就会因为我们重视他们而喜欢我们

and we're expressing humility.

因为我们表现出了谦恭。

And this really works to solve another double bind.

这能够帮助我们解决 另外一个两难的局面。

And that's the self-promotion double bind.

那就是自我推销两难的情况。

The self-promotion double bind

自我推销两难

就是如果我们不宣传我们的成就，

is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments,

no one notices.

就没人会注意。

And if we do, we're not likable.

如果我们宣传，我们就不讨喜。

But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments,

但是如果我们就 自己的成就征求意见，

we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable.

在他人眼中，我们就会 变得能干且讨人喜欢。

And this is so powerful

这真的很有用，

it even works when you see it coming.

甚至当你已经看穿这个策略时仍然有用

There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned

我人生中有很多次，我已经预先被人提醒过

that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice.

有些实力不足的人 被建议来找我咨询

I want you to notice three things about this:

我希望你们在此注意三点：

First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice.

第一，我知道他们要来找我询问建议。

Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits

第二，我也研究过的征求意见的战略性好处。

of asking for advice.

And three, it still worked!

第三，这仍然管用！

I took their perspective,

我站在他们的角度，

I became more invested in their cause,

我在他们的诉求上花费更多的时间，

我更加关注他们， 因为他们向我寻求了帮助。

I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.

Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up

另一种情况下， 我们也会有自信大声说，

is when we have expertise.

那就是当我们掌握了专业知识。

专业知识带给我们可信度。

Expertise gives us credibility.

When we have high power, we already have credibility.

当我们实力强大的时候， 我们就已经拥有了可信度。

We only need good evidence.

我们只需要好的证据。

When we lack power, we don't have the credibility.

而我们实力不足的时候， 我们就没有可信度。

We need excellent evidence.

我们就需要极佳的证据。

And one of the ways we can come across as an expert

一种帮助我们被认作为专家的方式

就是发掘我们的热情。

is by tapping into our passion.

I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs

我希望每个人都能在未来的 几天当中，去见各自的朋友

and just say to them,

和他们说，

"I want you to describe a passion of yours to me."

“我希望你能够和我分享 一件你抱有热情的事。“

I've had people do this all over the world

我在世界各地让人们做这件事，

and I asked them,

然后我询问他们，

"What did you notice about the other person

“当朋友们向你们描述他们的热情时

when they described their passion?"

你注意到了什么？“

And the answers are always the same.

答案永远是相同的。

"Their eyes lit up and got big."

“他们的眼睛变大了，变亮了。”

"They smiled a big beaming smile."

“他们笑的很灿烂。”

"They used their hands all over --

“他们用手不断的比划着－

I had to duck because their hands were coming at me."

我必须要躲闪，因为 他们的手都伸向了我。”

"They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."

“他们更快速的，用更高频的声调说话。”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

“他们倾向我，好像要跟 我讲什么秘密一样。”

"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."

And then I said to them,

然后，我就和他们说，

"What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"

“你们听他们讲述的时候， 你是什么样的反应呢？”

They said, "My eyes lit up.

他们说，“我的眼睛变亮了。

I smiled.

我笑了。

I leaned in."

我也倾向了他们。”

When we tap into our passion,

当我们发掘自己的热情时，

we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up,

我们通过自己的眼睛， 给予了自己大声说的勇气，

but we also get the permission from others to speak up.

但是我们也得到了他人的准许。

Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak.

发掘我们的热情，即使在 我们软弱的时候也会起作用。

Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears.

无论是男性还是女性， 工作时流泪都会受到惩罚。

But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion,

但是莉齐·沃尔夫发现

当我们将强烈的感情处理为激情的时候，

the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.

无论男性还是女性， 就都不会因落泪而受到谴责。

I want to end with a few words from my late father

我希望引用我已故的 父亲的话来结束演讲

这是他在我的 双胞胎兄弟的婚礼上说的。

that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding.

Here's a picture of us.

这是我们的合影。

My dad was a psychologist like me,

我的父亲和我一样，都是心理学家，

but his real love and his real passion was cinema,

但是他真正热爱的， 真正的热情在于电影，

like my brother.

就像我的兄弟一样。

And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding

所以，他就在我兄弟的 婚礼上发表了一个演讲

about the roles we play in the human comedy.

是关于我们在人类喜剧中 所扮演的角色的。

And he said, "The lighter your touch,

然后他说，“你的触感越细腻，

the better you become at improving and enriching your performance.

你越能更好地提高 和丰富你的表演能力

那些带入角色当中， 努力提高演技的人，

Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance

成长，改变，扩张自我。

grow, change and expand the self.

好好演，

Play it well,

and your days will be mostly joyful."

你们的生活就会很快乐的。”

What my dad was saying

我父亲的意思是，

is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world.

我们在这个世界上都有 各自的可理解范围和角色。

但他也讲出了这次演讲的精髓：

But he was also saying the essence of this talk:

这些角色和范围是在 不断扩大和进化的。

those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.

So when a scene calls for it,

当情景需要的时候，

变成一只凶猛的熊妈妈，

be a ferocious mama bear

and a humble advice seeker.

或是一个谦恭的咨询者。

Have excellent evidence and strong allies.

拥有极佳的证据和强大的盟友。

Be a passionate perspective taker.

成为一个热情的换位思考者。

And if you use those tools --

如果你能够运用这些工具－

and each and every one of you can use these tools --

这些是在座的每一位 都能够使用的工具－

你们就能扩大你们的 可接受行为范围，

you will expand your range of acceptable behavior,

and your days will be mostly joyful.

你们的生活就会很快乐的。

谢谢。

Thank you.

(Applause)

（掌声）