How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky

譯者: SF Huang 審譯者: Cheng Zhang-Stoddard

Speaking up is hard to do.

坦率直言是件難事。

I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago,

直到一個月前 我和妻子晉身為新手爸媽，

when my wife and I became new parents.

我才理解這句話的真義。

It was an amazing moment.

那是不可思議的一刻。

It was exhilarating and elating,

讓人欣喜若狂，

but it was also scary and terrifying.

但同時也令人提心吊膽。

And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital,

出院回家後這種擔憂變得尤為強烈，

and we were unsure

因我們不確定

whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding.

寶寶是否能從母乳中 獲得足夠的營養。

And we wanted to call our pediatrician,

我們想打電話諮詢我們的兒科醫生，

but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression

但又不想留下不好的第一印象

or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent.

或被認為是個奇怪、神經質的家長。

So we worried.

所以我們十分擔心

And we waited.

但我們只是枯等著。

When we got to the doctor's office the next day,

第二天當我們去看醫生時，

she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated.

她立刻給寶寶喝了配方奶粉， 因為他已經嚴重脫水了。

Our son is fine now,

孩子現在已經沒事了，

and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her.

醫生也一再保證 我們可以隨時聯繫她。

But in that moment,

但在那關鍵時刻，

I should've spoken up, but I didn't.

我應該為自己發聲， 我卻選擇緘默。

But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't,

但有時候我們不該為自己發聲， 我們卻說了。

and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down.

我明白這一點是十多年前，

我讓自己的孿生兄弟 感到失望的時候。

My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker,

他是一位紀錄片製作人，

and for one of his first films,

他的一部早期作品

he got an offer from a distribution company.

得到了一家影片發行公司的青睞。

He was excited,

他很興奮

and he was inclined to accept the offer.

且打算接受對方開出的價格。

But as a negotiations researcher,

但身為一個談判學研究者，

I insisted he make a counteroffer,

我堅持建議他得跟對方議價，

and I helped him craft the perfect one.

並且幫他擬定了完美的新價格。

And it was perfect --

這是個完美的價格──

it was perfectly insulting.

完美地獅子大開口。

The company was so offended,

發行公司對此十分惱火，

they literally withdrew the offer

以致於他們直接撤銷了發行計畫，

and my brother was left with nothing.

而我的兄弟落得空歡喜一場。

And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up:

就是否該為自己發聲這個問題， 我詢問過世界各地的人們：

when they can assert themselves,

什麼時候可以捍衛自己的權益，

when they can push their interests,

什麼時候可以追求自己的利益，

when they can express an opinion,

什麼時候可以表達自己的觀點，

when they can make an ambitious ask.

什麼時候能提出一個有抱負的訴求。

And the range of stories are varied and diverse,

我聽到的故事各式各樣，

but they also make up a universal tapestry.

但大家的困惑卻相差無幾。

Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake?

當老闆犯錯時，我能指正他嗎？

Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes?

同事總是不斷冒犯我時， 我該直言不諱嗎？

Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke?

朋友的調侃讓我不舒服時， 我該反駁嗎？

Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?

面對摯愛的人，我應該坦白 內心深處最脆弱的那個部分嗎？

And through these experiences, I've come to recognize

透過這些經驗，我體認到

that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior.

每個人都有一個所謂的 「可接受行為範疇」。

Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much.

然而，有時候我們太強勢， 用力過猛。

That's what happened with my brother.

如同我兄弟的例子一樣。

Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior.

即使是開價這樣的行為， 也超出了他可接受的行為範疇。

But sometimes we're too weak.

而有時候我們太軟弱，

That's what happened with my wife and I.

那就是我和妻子遇到的情況。

這個可接受行為範疇──

And this range of acceptable behaviors --

when we stay within our range, we're rewarded.

當我們的行為落在這個範圍內， 就會獲得獎勵。

When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways.

當我們超出了這個範圍， 就會受到不同形式的懲罰。

We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized.

我們可能被解雇、 被貶低，甚至被排斥。

Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.

也有可能會錯失加薪、升職的機會 或者丟掉一筆生意。

Now, the first thing we need to know is:

現在，首先我們需搞清楚的是：

What is my range?

我的範圍在哪裡？

But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed;

但關鍵問題在於， 這個範圍並不是固定不變的；

it's actually pretty dynamic.

實際上它是非常靈活機動的，

It expands and it narrows based on the context.

會根據情況擴大或縮小。

And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else,

而有一個要素 對這個範圍的影響，最具決定性：

and that's your power.

那就是你的權力。

Your power determines your range.

權力的大小決定了範圍的大小。

What is power?

什麼是權力呢？

Power comes in lots of forms.

權力以各種不同形式呈現出來。

In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.

在談判中，它呈現出來的是 選擇的多寡。

So my brother had no alternatives;

我兄弟並沒有其他選擇；

he lacked power.

他缺乏權力。

The company had lots of alternatives;

而那家公司有很多選擇；

they had power.

他們滿具權力。

Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant,

有時候它表現在初到異國時， 像新移民那樣，

or new to an organization

或者新到一家公司，

or new to an experience,

或者面對新的體驗──

like my wife and I as new parents.

就像成為新手父母的我和妻子。

Sometimes it's at work,

有時候它體現在職場上，

where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate.

有的人是老闆，而有的人是下屬。

Sometimes it's in relationships,

有時候體現在戀愛關係裡，

where one person's more invested than the other person.

一方付出得比另一方更多。

And the key thing is that when we have lots of power,

關鍵在於，當我們權力強大時，

our range is very wide.

我們的範圍就很廣。

We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

我們行事就會有很多周旋的餘地，

But when we lack power, our range narrows.

而當我們權力變弱時， 範圍就縮小了。

We have very little leeway.

我們沒有什麼籌碼可用。

The problem is that when our range narrows,

問題在於當我們的範圍被縮小時，

that produces something called the low-power double bind.

就會產生一種叫 「弱勢兩難」的困境。

The low-power double bind happens

當弱勢兩難的困境產生時，

when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed,

如果不為自己發聲、表態， 我們就會被忽視。

but if we do speak up, we get punished.

但如果發了聲、表了態， 我們又會受到懲罰。

Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind"

在場的很多人都聽過 「雙重束縛」這個說法，

and connected it with one thing, and that's gender.

也會將它與性別聯想在一起。

The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed,

在性別兩難困境中， 不為自己發聲的女性會被忽視；

and women who do speak up get punished.

而為自己發聲的女性又會受到懲罰。

And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up,

關鍵在於，女性和男性一樣 有為自己發聲的需求，

but they have barriers to doing so.

但她們的需求受到許多限制。

But what my research has shown over the last two decades

我過去二十年的研究的結果顯示，

is that what looks like a gender difference

那些看起來像是性別差異的情形，

is not really a gender double bind,

其實並不是性別兩難困境，

it's a really a low-power double bind.

而是弱勢兩難困境。

And what looks like a gender difference

而看起來像是性別差異的情形，

are really often just power differences in disguise.

其實常常只是權力差異 偽裝成的幌子。

Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman

常常當我們看到一個男人 和一個女人之間的差異，

or men and women,

或者是男性和女性間的差異，

and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different

就認為「先天生理不同，

而造成兩性本質上的差異。」

about the sexes."

But in study after study,

但經由不斷地研究之後，

I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences

我找到了對性別差異更好的解釋：

is really power.

那就是權力。

And so it's the low-power double bind.

回到弱勢兩難困境。

And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range,

弱勢兩難困境意味著 我們可接受行為的範圍很窄，

and we lack power.

且我們缺乏權力。

We have a narrow range,

我們的範圍越窄，

and our double bind is very large.

我們兩難的困境越嚴重。

So we need to find ways to expand our range.

所以，我們需要找到 擴大範圍的方法。

And over the last couple decades,

過去的幾十年，

my colleagues and I have found two things really matter.

我和同事們發現了兩個決定性因素。

The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes.

第一：在自己眼裡，你是有權力的。

The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others.

第二：在他人眼裡，你是有權力的。

When I feel powerful,

當我覺得自己權力滿滿時，

I feel confident, not fearful;

我充滿自信，沒有恐懼；

I expand my own range.

我擴展了自己的範圍。

When other people see me as powerful,

而當別人認為我強大有權時，

they grant me a wider range.

他們就會給我更大的可接受範圍。

So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior.

所以我們需要能擴展我們 可接受行為範圍的工具。

And I'm going to give you a set of tools today.

而今天我就要把這套工具給你。

Speaking up is risky,

為自己發聲是有風險的，

but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.

但這些工具將降低你 為自己發聲的風險。

The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations

我要給你的第一個工具 是在協商領域中發現的，

in an important finding.

是一個重要的發現。

On average, women make less ambitious offers

通常來說，相較於男性， 女性在談判桌上

開出的條件相對不那麼具有野心， 並且常常談判效果較差。

and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table.

But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered

但漢娜．雷利．鮑爾斯 與阿瑪那．圖拉發現，

there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men

在一種情況下， 女性和男性一樣野心勃勃

and are just as ambitious.

也能得到相同的結果。

That's when they advocate for others.

那就是當她們維護別人、 為他人發聲的時候。

When they advocate for others,

在維護別人時，

they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind.

她們找到自己的範圍， 並且在腦海中將它擴寬。

They become more assertive.

她們變得更加堅定。

This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect."

有時稱，這被稱為「熊媽媽效應」。

Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

就像一個熊媽媽維護她的熊仔一樣，

when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.

當我們維護他人時， 我們就能聽到自己內心的聲音。

But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves.

但有些時候，我們必須維護自己。

How do we do that?

該怎麼做呢？

One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves

我們維護自己最重要的工具之一

is something called perspective-taking.

叫做「換位思考」。

And perspective-taking is really simple:

換位思考很簡單：

it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person.

就是從別人的角度來看這個世界。

It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range.

這是擴大我們自己範圍 最強而有力的工具之一。

When I take your perspective,

當我站在你的角度、立場上，

and I think about what you really want,

去思考你真正想要的是什麼，

you're more likely to give me what I really want.

你就更有可能給我，我真正想要的。

But here's the problem:

但問題在於：

perspective-taking is hard to do.

換位思考很難做得到。

So let's do a little experiment.

我們來做個小小的實驗，

I want you all to hold your hand just like this:

我想要你們都把手這樣舉起來：

your finger -- put it up.

把手指豎起來。

And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead

在你們自己的額頭上 寫下一個大寫的英文字母 E。

as quickly as possible.

越快越好。

OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways,

好，結果發現 我們有兩種寫 E 的方法，

and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking.

這原是設計來測試換位思考能力的。

I'm going to show you two pictures

我要給你們看兩張頭上寫了

of someone with an E on their forehead --

E 的人的照片──

my former student, Erika Hall.

我以前的學生，艾瑞卡．豪爾。

And you can see over here,

你們可以看到

that's the correct E.

這邊是正確的的 E 。

I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person.

我畫了在對方看來是正確的 E。

That's the perspective-taking E

這是換位思考的 E ，

because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point.

因為從他人的視角來看，它是 E。

But this E over here is the self-focused E.

但這邊的 E 是個很自我的 E，

We often get self-focused.

我們常常會以自我為中心。

And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.

尤其是危機緊要關頭， 我們更容易陷入以自我為主的情況。

I want to tell you about a particular crisis.

我想跟各位分享一個危機處理故事。

A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California.

一名男子走進加州沃森維爾的銀行，

And he says, "Give me $2,000,

他說：「給我 2000 美金，

or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb."

不然我就用炸彈把整個銀行炸掉。」

Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money.

銀行經理並沒有給他錢，

She took a step back.

她退後了一步。

She took his perspective,

她站在他的角度思考，

and she noticed something really important.

然後發現一件非常重要的事。

He asked for a specific amount of money.

他要錢的數目非常具體。

So she said,

所以她說：

"Why did you ask for $2,000?"

「你為什麼要 2000 美金？」

And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted

他回：「我朋友就要被趕出公寓了，

unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

除非我能馬上幫他 弄到 2000 美金。」

And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank --

於是她說：「噢！ 其實你並不是想要搶銀行，

you want to take out a loan."

你是想要申請貸款。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Why don't you come back to my office,

「不如你跟我回辦公室，

and we can have you fill out the paperwork."

我們可以讓你填寫申請文件。」

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

她迅速地換位思考 化解了一場棘手的危機。

Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation.

當我們能站在別人的角度 去思考的時候，

So when we take someone's perspective,

it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.

我們不僅變得強勢、果敢， 同時還變得討人喜歡。

Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable,

還有另一個讓我們既具果決力 又有人緣的方法，

and that is to signal flexibility.

就是展現出彈性靈活度。

Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car.

想像你是一個銷售人員， 想把車子給賣出去。

You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options.

如果你給對方兩種選擇方案， 你成功搞定這筆生意的機率更高。

Let's say option A:

好比說，方案 A：

$24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty.

車子的售價 24,000 美金 外加 5 年的保固；

或者方案 B：

Or option B:

$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

23,000 美金 外加 3 年的保固。

My research shows that when you give people a choice among options,

我的研究結果表示， 當你能讓人們在選項中做抉擇時，

it lowers their defenses,

可以降低人們的防備心，

and they're more likely to accept your offer.

且人們更有可能接受你的提議。

And this doesn't just work with salespeople;

這不只適用於銷售人員，

it works with parents.

家長也可以用這個方法。

When my niece was four,

我姪女四歲的時候，

she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything.

她抗拒穿衣服，拒絕所有衣服。

But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea.

我嫂子想了個聰明的點子，

What if I gave my daughter a choice?

如果我讓女兒自己去選擇呢？

This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.

這件襯衫還是那件？嗯，那件。

This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.

這條褲子還是那條？嗯，那條。

And it worked brilliantly.

這招出奇地有效。

She got dressed quickly and without resistance.

她很快地就著好裝，不再抗拒。

When I've asked the question around the world

當我在世界各地提問：

when people feel comfortable speaking up,

人們在何時 能毫無顧忌地為自己發聲？

the number one answer is:

出現頻率最高的答案是：

"When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies."

「聽眾中有支持我的人時、 當我有盟友時。」

So we want to get allies on our side.

所以，我們想要有盟友的支持。

How do we do that?

怎樣才能做到呢？

Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.

其中一個方法便是做一個熊媽媽。

When we advocate for others,

當我們維護別人的時候

we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others,

無形中我們在自己和他人眼中， 擴展了自身的範圍，

but we also earn strong allies.

與此同時， 我們也獲得了堅實的後盾。

Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places,

另一個獲得穩固盟友的方法， 特別是我們位居高位時，

is by asking other people for advice.

是向他人尋求建議。

When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them,

當我們向他人尋求建議時， 他們會覺得受到重視

且因我們的謙遜而喜歡我們。

and we're expressing humility.

And this really works to solve another double bind.

這非常有助於解決另一種兩難困境，

And that's the self-promotion double bind.

那就是「自我行銷的兩難困境」。

The self-promotion double bind

自我行銷的兩難困境就是

is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments,

如果我們不展現自己的成就，

no one notices.

就沒有人會知道。

And if we do, we're not likable.

如果我們展現了，又讓人討厭。

But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments,

但如果我們就自己的一些成就 去徵詢別人的建議，

we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable.

在別人眼中我們就 既具能力又討人喜歡。

And this is so powerful

這個方法太管用了。

it even works when you see it coming.

就算你知道別人要這麼做 也依然奏效。

There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned

以下情形已經發生過好幾次了， 我被事先告知

that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice.

一個弱勢的人被引介來找我諮詢。

我希望你們能注意到三件事：

I want you to notice three things about this:

First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice.

第一，我已經知道他們要向我諮詢。

Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits

第二，我做的研究就是關於

徵詢建議的策略性益處。

of asking for advice.

And three, it still worked!

第三，這招依然奏效！

I took their perspective,

我站在他們的立場來看事情，

I became more invested in their cause,

我對他們的案件更加關注、投入，

I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.

我對他們投注更多的責任感， 因為他們向我徵詢建議。

Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up

在另一種情況下， 我們也能更自信地為自己發聲，

is when we have expertise.

那就是當我們具備專業知識時。

Expertise gives us credibility.

專業讓我們更具可信度。

When we have high power, we already have credibility.

當我們握有較大的實權時， 我們已然具備了可信度。

We only need good evidence.

我們只需要好的證據來佐證。

When we lack power, we don't have the credibility.

當我們缺乏權力時， 我們就沒有可信度。

We need excellent evidence.

我們需要極佳的證據 來佐證所說的話。

And one of the ways we can come across as an expert

讓我們能成為專家的方法之一，

is by tapping into our passion.

就是發掘我們的熱情。

I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs

接下來的幾天， 我希望每個人去見見朋友，

and just say to them,

並告訴他們

"I want you to describe a passion of yours to me."

「請與我分享你熱情之所在。」

I've had people do this all over the world

我身邊有一群人 在世界各地做這樣的事，

and I asked them,

我問他們：

"What did you notice about the other person

「當人們在敘述自己所熱衷的事時，

when they described their passion?"

你發現有什麼不同嗎？」

And the answers are always the same.

答案永遠一樣。

"Their eyes lit up and got big."

「他們的眼睛頓時睜大、 閃爍發光。」

"They smiled a big beaming smile."

「他們的微笑璀璨亮麗。」

"They used their hands all over --

「他們手舞足蹈──

I had to duck because their hands were coming at me."

我必須閃躲以免被他們 揮舞的手給打到。」

"They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."

「他們講話速度變快、 聲調也變高。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."

「他們傾身靠向我， 彷彿在告訴我一個秘密似的。」

And then I said to them,

然後我又問他們，

"What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"

「當你們聆聽人們向你訴說 他們熱情所在時，又有何反應呢？」

They said, "My eyes lit up.

他們說：「我的眼睛為之一亮。

I smiled.

我跟著微笑。

I leaned in."

我傾身向前聆聽。」

When we tap into our passion,

當我們發掘自身的熱情時，

we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up,

我們就給了自己勇氣來為自己發聲。

but we also get the permission from others to speak up.

我們同時也得到別人的認可 來為自己發聲。

Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak.

當我們給人的印象很軟弱時， 傾注我們的熱情同樣有效。

Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears.

男性與女性在工作場合流淚， 都會受到懲罰。

But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion,

但是麗茲．沃夫表示， 當我們將強烈的情緒轉譯為熱情時，

the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.

對我們淚水的譴責將被破解， 男女都是如此。

I want to end with a few words from my late father

我想用我已故父親的幾句話 來做結尾，

that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding.

這是他在我攣生兄弟婚禮上 致詞時所說過的話。

Here's a picture of us.

這是我們的照片。

My dad was a psychologist like me,

我父親跟我一樣，是位心理學家。

but his real love and his real passion was cinema,

但是他的摯愛與熱情所在是電影，

like my brother.

跟我兄弟一樣。

And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding

他在我兄弟婚禮上的演講提到了

about the roles we play in the human comedy.

我們在人生喜劇裡所扮演的角色。

And he said, "The lighter your touch,

他說道：「力道越輕柔，

the better you become at improving and enriching your performance.

在改善與豐富自身演出的呈現上， 就越臻完善。

Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance

那些擁抱自身角色 並努力改進演出表現的人，

grow, change and expand the self.

將會獲得自身成長、蛻變和拓展，

Play it well,

盡心扮演好自己的角色，

and your days will be mostly joyful."

你的生活將充滿喜樂。」

What my dad was saying

我父親想說的是

is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world.

每個人在世上， 都被賦予不同類型的角色。

But he was also saying the essence of this talk:

但他亦道出了這場演講的精髓：

those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.

那些角色類型， 持續不斷地擴張與演進。

So when a scene calls for it,

所以，順應劇情場景的需要，

be a ferocious mama bear

做一个兇悍的熊媽媽，

and a humble advice seeker.

或一位謙遜的求教者吧。

Have excellent evidence and strong allies.

擁有出色的證據和堅實的盟友。

Be a passionate perspective taker.

做一位熱情滿溢的換位思考者。

And if you use those tools --

如果你善用這些工具──

and each and every one of you can use these tools --

每一個人都能夠善用這些利器──

you will expand your range of acceptable behavior,

你們將能夠拓展 自己的可接受行為的範圍。

and your days will be mostly joyful.

你的生活將會充滿喜樂。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）