A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.

U redu, danas želim da govorim o tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.

And specifically,

A naročito

I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

želim da govorim o tome šta je loše u tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times

Većina nas će se verovatno zaljubiti nekoliko puta

tokom naših života,

over the course of our lives,

and in the English language, this metaphor, falling,

a u engleskom jeziku, ta metafora, padanje,

is really the main way that we talk about that experience.

je zaista glavni način na koji govorimo o tom iskustvu.

I don't know about you,

Ne znam za vas,

but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

ali kad sam zamislila ovu metaforu,

what I picture is straight out of a cartoon --

ono što sam zamislila bilo je baš kao u crtaću -

kao, imate čoveka,

like there's a man,

he's walking down the sidewalk,

on šeta trotoarom,

potpuno nesvesno prelazi preko otvorenog šahta

without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole,

and he just plummets into the sewer below.

i prosto se strmoglavi u kanalizaciju ispod njega.

And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.

A to zamišljam ovako jer padanje nije skakanje.

Falling is accidental,

Padanje je slučajno,

it's uncontrollable.

nekontrolisano.

It's something that happens to us without our consent.

To je nešto što nam se dešava bez našeg pristanka.

And this --

A ovo -

this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

ovo je glavni način na koji govorimo o započinjanju nove veze.

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher,

Ja sam spisateljka i nastavnica engleskog,

što znači da zarađujem razmišljajući o rečima.

which means I think about words for a living.

You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters,

Mogli biste reći da me plaćaju da tvrdim da je jezik koji koristimo bitan

and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use

i ja želim da tvrdim da su mnoge metafore koje koristimo

to talk about love --

kada govorimo o ljubavi -

maybe even most of them --

možda čak i većina njih -

are a problem.

da su problem.

So, in love, we fall.

Dakle, u ljubav padamo.

We're struck.

Zatečeni smo.

We are crushed.

Smrvljeni.

We swoon.

Lelujamo.

We burn with passion.

Gorimo od strasti.

Love makes us crazy,

Zbog ljubavi smo ludi

and it makes us sick.

i zbog ljubavi bolujemo.

Our hearts ache,

Naša srca bole,

and then they break.

a potom se lome.

So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone

Dakle, naše metafore izjednačavaju iskustvo ljubavi prema nekome

to extreme violence or illness.

sa krajnjim nasiljem ili bolešću.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Zaista je tako.

They do.

And they position us as the victims

I stavljaju nas u poziciju žrtve

of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.

nepredviđenih i u potpunosti neizbežnih okolnosti.

My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

Moja omiljena metafora je "moren"

which is the past participle of the word "smite."

a to je pasiv od glagola "moriti".

A ako potražite ovu reč u rečniku -

And if you look this word up in the dictionary --

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction,"

videćete da je definisana kao "bolna nedaća"

and, "to be very much in love."

i da možemo biti moreni ljubavlju.

I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context,

Nekako asociram reč "moriti" sa naročitim kontekstom,

a to je Stari zavet.

which is the Old Testament.

In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting,

Samo u knjizi Izlazak imamo 16 pominjanja reči moriti,

which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

a to je reč koju Biblija koristi za osvetu gnevnog boga.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Here we are using the same word to talk about love

Ovde istu reč koristimo da bismo govorili o ljubavi

that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

i da bismo objasnili pošast skakavaca.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Je li tako?

Right?

So, how did this happen?

Pa, kako se ovo desilo?

How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?

Kako je došlo do toga da ljubav povezujemo s velikim bolom i patnjom?

And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience

I zašto govorimo o ovom naoko dobrom iskustvu

as if we are victims?

kao da smo žrtve?

These are difficult questions,

Ovo su teška pitanja,

but I have some theories.

ali imam neke teorije.

And to think this through,

A da bih to prokljuvila,

I want to focus on one metaphor in particular,

želim da se usredsredim na jednu naročitu metaforu,

which is the idea of love as madness.

a to je zamisao ljubavi kao ludila.

Kada sam prvo počela da istražujem romantičnu ljubav,

When I first started researching romantic love,

I found these madness metaphors everywhere.

svuda sam zaticala ove metafore o ludilu.

The history of Western culture

Istorija zapadne kulture

is full of language that equates love to mental illness.

vrvi od jezika koji izjednačava ljubav sa mentalnom bolešću.

These are just a few examples.

Ovo je samo nekoliko primera.

William Shakespeare:

Vilijam Šekspir:

"Love is merely a madness,"

"Ljubav tek je ludilo",

from "As You Like It."

iz "Kako vam drago".

Fridrih Niče:

Friedrich Nietzsche:

"There is always some madness in love."

"U ljubavi je uvek prisutno malo ludila."

"Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "

"Zbog tebe izgledam, zbog tebe izgledam tako ludo zaljubljena -"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

od velike filozofkinje Bijonse Nouls.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Prvi put sam se zaljubila sa 20 godina

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20,

and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start.

i to je bila prilično turbulentna veza od samog početka.

And it was long distance for the first couple of years,

I bila je veza na daljinu prvih nekoliko godina,

so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows.

te je to za mene značilo visoke uzlete i veoma niske padove.

I can remember one moment in particular.

Naročito se sećam jednog momenta.

I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America,

Sedela sam na krevetu, u hostelu u Južnoj Americi

and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.

i posmatrala sam kako osoba koju volim izlazi na vrata.

Bilo je kasno,

And it was late,

it was nearly midnight,

skoro ponoć,

posvađali smo se tokom večere

we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

i kad smo se vratili u sobu,

and when we got back to our room,

ubacio je svoje stvari u torbu i izjurio napolje.

he threw his things in the bag and stormed out.

Iako se više ne sećam zbog čega smo se svađali,

While I can no longer remember what that argument was about,

I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

veoma jasno se sećam osećaja dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.

Bile su mi 22 godine, prvi put sam bila u zemlji u razvoju

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world,

and I was totally alone.

i bila sam potpuno sama.

I had another week until my flight home,

Let kući mi je bio za nedelju dana

and I knew the name of the town that I was in,

i znala sam ime grada u kom sam

and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out,

i ime grada do kog je trebalo da stignem kako bih odletela,

but I had no idea how to get around.

ali pojma nisam imala kako da se snađem.

I had no guidebook and very little money,

Nisam imala vodič i imala sam veoma malo novca

i nisam govorila španski.

and I spoke no Spanish.

Someone more adventurous than me

Neko avanturističkijeg duha od mene

might have seen this as a moment of opportunity,

možda bi gledao na ovo kao na priliku,

ali ja sam se prosto paralisala.

but I just froze.

I just sat there.

Prosto sam sedela tu.

And then I burst into tears.

A onda sam briznula u plač.

But despite my panic,

No, uprkos panici,

some small voice in my head thought,

neki glasić u mojoj glavi je mislio:

"Wow. That was dramatic.

"Ala je ovo bilo dramatično.

I must really be doing this love thing right."

Mora da mi ova ljubav baš ide od ruke."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love.

Jer je dio mene baš želeo da se oseća bedno zbog ljubavi.

And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22,

Sad mi to zvuči tako čudno, ali s 22,

I longed to have dramatic experiences,

žudila sam za dramatičnim iskustvima,

and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated,

a u tom trenutku, bila sam iracionalna i besna i skrhana,

i skroz neobično

and weirdly enough,

I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had

mislila sam da zbog ovoga nekako moja osećanja dobijaju značaj

for the guy who had just left me.

prema momku koji me je upravo napustio.

Mislim da sam na neki način želela da osećam dozu ludila

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy,

because I thought that that was how love worked.

jer sam smatrala da ljubav tako funkcioniše.

Ovo zaista ne bi trebalo da iznenađuje

This really should not be surprising,

considering that according to Wikipedia,

s obzirom na to da prema Vikipediji

there are eight films,

postoji osam filmova,

14 songs,

četrnaest pesama,

two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

dva albuma i jedan roman s naslovom "Luda ljubav".

About half an hour later, he came back to our room.

Oko pola sata kasnije, vratio se u našu sobu.

We made up.

Pomirili smo se.

Proveli smo još jednu uglavnom srećnu nedelju putujući zajedno.

We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.

A kad sam se vratila kući,

And then, when I got home,

I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.

mislila sam: "To je bilo tako užasno i tako sjajno.

This must be a real romance."

Ovo mora da je prava romansa."

Očekivala sam da mi prva ljubav bude poput ludila

I expected my first love to feel like madness,

and of course, it met that expectation very well.

i, naravno, ona je prilično ispunila ta očekivanja.

But loving someone like that --

No, voleti nekoga tako -

as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --

kao da moja celokupna dobrobit zavisi od njegove ljubavi -

was not very good for me

nije bilo dobro za mene,

or for him.

ni za njega.

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual.

Ali pretpostavljam da ovo iskustvo ljubavi nije toliko neobično.

Većina nas se oseća malčice ludo u ranim stadijumima romantične ljubavi.

Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.

In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,

Zapravo, postoji istraživanje koje potvrđuje da je ovo nekako normalno

because, neurochemically speaking,

jer, neurohemijski gledano,

romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished.

romantičnu ljubav i mentalno oboljenje nije tako lako razlikovati.

To je tačno.

This is true.

This study from 1999 used blood tests

Ovo istraživanje iz 1999. je koristilo nalaze krvi

to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love

da potvrdi da su nivoi serotonina kod onih tek zaljubljenih

very closely resembled the serotonin levels

veoma slični nivoima serotonina

of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

kod ljudi kojima je dijagnostikovan opsesivno-kompulsivni poremećaj.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Da, a niski nivoi serotonina

Yes, and low levels of serotonin

are also associated with seasonal affective disorder

su takođe povezani sa sezonskim emocionalnim poremećajima

and depression.

i depresijom.

So there is some evidence

Dakle, postoji dokaz

that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors.

da je ljubav povezana sa prmenama našeg raspoloženja i ponašanja.

And there are other studies to confirm

A tu su i druge studije koje potvrđuju

that most relationships begin this way.

da većina veza ovako počinje.

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin

Istraživači veruju da su niski nivoi serotonina

is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love,

povezani sa opsesivnim razmišljanjem o objektu ljubavi,

which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain.

a to je poput osećanja da je neko postavio kamp u našem mozgu.

And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love.

I većina nas se ovako oseća kad se prvi put zaljubimo.

But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long --

No dobra je vest da to uvek ne traje toliko dugo -

obično između nekoliko meseci do nekoliko godina.

usually from a few months to a couple of years.

When I got back from my trip to South America,

Kad sam se vratila sa putovanja u Južnoj Americi,

I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

provela sam mnogo vremena sama u sobi,

checking my email,

proveravajući mejlove,

očajna da se čujem sa momkom koga sam volela.

desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction,

Odlučila sam da ako moji prijatelji ne mogu da razumeju moju bolnu nedaću,

then I did not need their friendship.

onda mi ne treba njihovo prijateljstvo.

So I stopped hanging out with most of them.

Pa sam prestala da se družim s većinom njih.

And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.

I to je bila verovatno najtužnija godina u mom životu.

Ali mislim da sam osećala da mi je posao da budem očajna

But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable,

because if I could be miserable,

jer ako mogu da budem očajna,

then I would prove how much I loved him.

onda ću moći da dokažem koliko ga volim.

And if I could prove it,

A ako mogu to da dokažem,

then we would have to end up together eventually.

onda ćemo morati da završimo zajedno, kad-tad.

Ovo je istinsko ludilo

This is the real madness,

jer ne postoji kosmičko pravilo

because there is no cosmic rule

that says that great suffering equals great reward,

koje kaže da je velika patnja jednaka velikoj nagradi,

but we talk about love as if this is true.

ali govorimo o ljubavi kao da je ovo tačno.

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural.

Naša iskustva ljubavi su i biološka i kulturološka.

Our biology tells us that love is good

Naša biologija nam govori da je ljubav dobra

by activating these reward circuits in our brain,

tako što aktivira moždane tokove za nagrađvanje,

and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup,

a govori nam da je ljubav bolna kada se, nakon svađe ili raskida,

ta neurohemijska nagrada povuče.

that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

I zapravo - možda ste čuli za to -

And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this --

neurochemically speaking,

neurohemijski govoreći,

going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,

prolaziti kroz raskid poprilično liči na odvikavanje od kokaina,

which I find reassuring.

što ja smatram ohrabrujućim.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

A potom naša kultura koristi jezik

And then our culture uses language

to shape and reinforce these ideas about love.

kako bi oblikovala i učvrstila ove ideje o ljubavi.

In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain

U ovom slučaju govorimo o metaforama o bolu

and addiction and madness.

i zavisnosti i ludilu.

It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

To je na neki način zanimljiva povratna petlja.

Love is powerful and at times painful,

Ljubav je moćna i ponekad bolna,

and we express this in our words and stories,

i mi to izražavamo našim rečima i pričama,

but then our words and stories prime us

a onda nas naše reči i priče pripremaju

to expect love to be powerful and painful.

da očekujemo od ljubavi da bude moćna i bolna.

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens

Interesantno mi je da se sve ovo dešava

u kulturi koja ceni celoživotnu monogamiju.

in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.

It seems like we want it both ways:

Čini se kao da želimo sve odjednom:

we want love to feel like madness,

želimo da ljubav bude poput ludila

and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

i želimo da traje čitav život.

That sounds terrible.

To zvuči užasno.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

To reconcile this,

Kako bismo pomirili ovo

we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.

moramo da promenimo našu kulturu ili da promenimo naša očekivanja.

So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.

Zato zamislite kad bismo svi mi bili manje pasivni u ljubavi.

If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous

Kad bismo bili samopouzdaniji, otvoreniji, darežljiviji

and instead of falling in love,

i umesto da "padnemo u ljubav",

zakoračimo u ljubav.

we stepped into love.

I know that this is asking a lot,

Znam da tražim previše,

ali zapravo nisam prva osoba koja ovo predlaže.

but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this.

U njihovoj knjizi: "Metafore po kojima živimo",

In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution

lingvisti Mark Džonson i Džordž Lejkof predlažu zaista zanimljivo rešenje

to this dilemma,

za ovu dilemu,

which is to change our metaphors.

a to je da promenimo naše metafore.

They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,

Oni tvrde da metafore zaista oblikuju to kako doživljavamo svet,

i da čak mogu da služe kao vodič za buduća delanja,

and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,

like self-fulfilling prophecies.

poput samoispunjavajućih proročanstava.

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:

Džonson i Lejkof predlažu novu metaforu za ljubav:

love as a collaborative work of art.

ljubav kao sarađivačko umetničko delo.

I really like this way of thinking about love.

Zaista mi se sviđa ovakav način razmišljanja o ljubavi.

Lingvisti govore o metaforama kao da imaju podrazumevana značenja,

Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,

which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,

a to je u suštini vid razmatranja svih implikacija

or ideas contained within, a given metaphor.

ili ideja sadržanih unutar date metafore.

And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything

A Džonson i Lejkof govore o svemu

that collaborating on a work of art entails:

što proizlazi iz saradnje na umetničkom delu:

effort, compromise, patience, shared goals.

trud, kompromis, strpljenje, zajednički ciljevi.

These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment

Ove ideje se lepo poklapaju s našom kulturom ulaganja

in long-term romantic commitment,

u dugoročnu romantičnu posvećenost,

but they also work well for other kinds of relationships --

ali se takođe dobro slažu sa drugim vidovima odnosa -

kratkoročnim, usputnim, poliamoričnim, nemonogamnim, aseksualnim -

short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual --

because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas

jer ova metafora obogaćuje daleko složenijim idejama

to the experience of loving someone.

iskustvo voljenja nekoga.

So if love is a collaborative work of art,

Pa, ako je ljubav sarađivačko umetničko delo,

onda je ljubav estetsko iskustvo.

then love is an aesthetic experience.

Love is unpredictable,

Ljubav je nepredvidljiva,

ljubav je kreativna,

love is creative,

love requires communication and discipline,

ljubav iziskiva komunikaciju i disciplinu,

frustrirajuća je i emotivno zahtevna.

it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.

And love involves both joy and pain.

Ljubav podrazumeva i užitak i bol.

Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

Naposletku, svako iskustvo ljubavi je drugačije.

When I was younger,

Kad sam bila mlađa,

it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,

nikad mi nije palo na pamet da je dopušteno zahtevati više od ljubavi,

da ne moram prosto da prihvatim šta god mi ljubav ponudi.

that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered.

When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

Kad 14-ogodišnja Julija prvi put sreće -

ili kad 14-ogodišnja Julija ne može da bude s Romeom,

or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,

koga je upoznala pre četiri dana,

whom she has met four days ago,

she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

ne oseća razočaranje ili uznemirenost.

Gde je ona?

Where is she?

She wants to die.

Želi da umre.

Right?

Je li tako?

And just as a refresher, at this point in the play,

I prosto kao napomena, u ovom trenutku u drami,

act three of five,

čin treći od pet,

Romeo is not dead.

Romeo nije mrtav.

He's alive,

Živ je,

zdrav je,

he's healthy,

he's just been banished from the city.

upravo su ga proterali iz grada.

I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,

Svesna sam da Verona iz XVI veka nije kao današnja Severna Amerika,

and yet when I first read this play,

pa ipak, kad sam prvi put čitala ovu dramu,

also at age 14,

takođe sa 14 godina,

Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

Julijina patnja mi je imala smisla.

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,

Preformulisati ljubav kao nešto što stvaram s nekim kome se divim,

rather than something that just happens to me

a ne nešto što mi se prosto desi

bez moje kontrole ili pristanka,

without my control or consent,

is empowering.

je osnažujuće.

It's still hard.

I dalje je teško.

Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,

Ljubav i dalje ponekad može da se čini potpuno izluđujućom i poražavajućom,

and when I feel really frustrated,

a kad se osećam zaista isfrustirano,

moram da se podsetim:

I have to remind myself:

my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner

moj posao u ovoj vezi je da razgovaram s partnerom

about what I want to make together.

o tome šta želim da stvorimo zajedno.

This isn't easy, either.

Ovo takođe nije lako.

But it's just so much better than the alternative,

Ali je jednostavno daleko bolje od alternative,

which is that thing that feels like madness.

a to je onaj osećaj nalik ludilu.

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection.

Ovakva verzija ljubavi nije o osvajanju ili gubljenju nečije naklonosti.

Instead, it requires that you trust your partner

Umesto toga zahteva da verujete svom partneru

and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,

i da razgovarate o stvarima kad poverenje postane teško,

which sounds so simple,

što zvuči veoma jednostavno,

but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act.

ali je zapravo na neki način revolucionaran, radikalan čin.

A to je zato što prestajete da razmišljate o sebi

This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself

and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship,

i o tome šta vi dobijate ili gubite u vašoj vezi,

and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

i počinjete da razmišljate o tome šta imate da ponudite.

This version of love allows us to say things like,

Ovakva verzija ljubavi nam omogućuje da izgovaramo sledeće:

"Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us."

"Hej, nismo naročito dobri saradnici. Možda ovo nije za nas."

Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned,

Ili: "Ta veza je bila kraća nego što sam planirala,

but it was still kind of beautiful."

ali je i dalje bila nekako lepa."

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art

Divna stvar kod sarađivačkog umetničkog dela

is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.

je da ono neće naslikati ili nacrtati ili izvajati samo sebe.

Ova verzija ljubavi nam omogućava da odaberemo kako će da izgleda.

This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)