A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

譯者: Qi Ruan 審譯者: 易帆 余

OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.

今天，我想講一下討論愛情的方法。

And specifically,

特別是

I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

在我們討論愛情時所犯的錯誤。

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times

大部分人在一生中

over the course of our lives,

都會有幾次墮入愛河，

and in the English language, this metaphor, falling,

在英語中「墮入」這個象徵詞

is really the main way that we talk about that experience.

是我們討論戀愛經驗的主要方式。

I don't know about you,

我不了解各位的想法，

but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

但這個詞會讓我

what I picture is straight out of a cartoon --

直接聯想到一個卡通畫面──

like there's a man,

就像是有一個人

he's walking down the sidewalk,

走在街道上，

without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole,

在走過一個沒蓋子的人孔蓋時，

and he just plummets into the sewer below.

不小心墮入下水道裏一樣。

And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.

我會這麼描繪 是因為墮入並不是跳入。

Falling is accidental,

墮入是意外偶然、

it's uncontrollable.

無法控制的，

It's something that happens to us without our consent.

未經我們允許卻發生了。

And this --

而這也是我們大多數人

this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

形容一段新戀情剛開始的狀況。

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher,

我是作家，也是英文老師，

which means I think about words for a living.

意思就是我經常和文字打交道。

You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters,

可以說我的工作是要說明 如何用字遣詞有關係。

and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use

我想指出

大多數我們用來形容愛情的比喻

to talk about love --

maybe even most of them --

are a problem.

是有問題的。

So, in love, we fall.

所以，在愛情中，我們會跌倒，

We're struck.

會受打擊，

We are crushed.

瘋狂地愛上某人，

We swoon.

會為之傾倒。

We burn with passion.

我們會熱情如火，

Love makes us crazy,

愛情使人瘋狂，

and it makes us sick.

也令我們難受。

Our hearts ache,

我們會心痛

and then they break.

然後心碎。

So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone

所以我們對愛上一個人的比喻，

to extreme violence or illness.

像是被狂揍了一頓或得了一場重病。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

They do.

真的是這樣。

And they position us as the victims

這些比喻會讓我們在愛情裡處於

of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.

無法預料和無法避免的受害者地位。

My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

其中我最喜歡的單詞是「受了重擊」，

which is the past participle of the word "smite."

是「受重擊」的過去分詞。

And if you look this word up in the dictionary --

如果你在辭典裡尋找這個詞的意義，

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction,"

你會發現它可以 被解釋為「極度的痛苦」

and, "to be very much in love."

以及「瘋狂的愛上」。

I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context,

這個單詞常讓我聯想到

which is the Old Testament.

《舊約聖經》裡的一個場景。

In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting,

光是在《出埃及記》中，這個單詞 就被用了十六次。

which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

它在聖經裡被用來形容 一位憤怒神的復仇。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Here we are using the same word to talk about love

而我們卻用這個

形容蝗蟲災害的單詞來形容愛情。

that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Right?

是不是？

So, how did this happen?

所以，這究竟是怎麼回事？

How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?

為什麼我們會把愛情與 極度痛苦和傷害混為一談？

And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience

還有我們為什麼要在這場 看似是美好經驗的愛情中

as if we are victims?

把自己定位成受害者？

These are difficult questions,

這些問題很難回答，

but I have some theories.

但我有一些理論。

And to think this through,

想要徹底明白，

I want to focus on one metaphor in particular,

我想特別得看一下這個比喻，

which is the idea of love as madness.

那就是為愛癡狂。

When I first started researching romantic love,

當我剛開始研究浪漫愛情時，

I found these madness metaphors everywhere.

我發現這些瘋狂的比喻無處不在。

The history of Western culture

在西方歷史文化中，

is full of language that equates love to mental illness.

充滿了愛情等同是心裡疾病的語言。

These are just a few examples.

以下是幾個例子。

William Shakespeare:

莎士比亞說：

"Love is merely a madness,"

「戀愛就像得了瘋人病」，

from "As You Like It."

出自《皆大歡喜》。

Friedrich Nietzsche:

尼采說：

"There is always some madness in love."

「在愛情裡總有些瘋狂。」

"Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "

「愛情讓我看起來 看起來瘋瘋癲癲的」

(Laughter)

（笑）

出自偉大的哲學家碧昂絲。 （註：美國知名歌手）

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

我的初戀發生在二十歲的時候。

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20,

and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start.

從一開始就注定 會是一場峰迴路轉的戀情。

And it was long distance for the first couple of years,

剛開始的前幾年都是遠距離戀愛，

so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows.

所以會有很多相當開心 和相當低落的時候。

I can remember one moment in particular.

我特別記得那一刻......

I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America,

當時我坐在南美一間旅社的床上，

and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.

看著我深愛的人走出了門外。

And it was late,

當時已經很晚了，

it was nearly midnight,

接近午夜了，

we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

我們在吃晚餐時，吵了一架，

and when we got back to our room,

當我們回到了旅館房間，

he threw his things in the bag and stormed out.

他把他的東西扔進包裡， 然後甩門走人。

While I can no longer remember what that argument was about,

雖然我已經不記得 我們吵了些什麼，

I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

但是我很清楚的記得 他走的時候，我當時的感受。

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world,

我那時 22 歲，人生 第一次去發展中國家，

and I was totally alone.

我全然孤獨。

I had another week until my flight home,

距離我搭機回家還有一週。

and I knew the name of the town that I was in,

我雖然記得小鎮的名字，

and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out,

和我即將離開的城市名字，

but I had no idea how to get around.

但我卻不知道要如何去到那裡。

I had no guidebook and very little money,

我沒有導覽書，只有一點點錢，

也不會說西班牙語。

and I spoke no Spanish.

Someone more adventurous than me

有一些比我更有冒險精神的人，

might have seen this as a moment of opportunity,

會把這個當成一個機會，

but I just froze.

但我當時不知所措。

I just sat there.

我只是呆坐在那，

And then I burst into tears.

然後大哭。

But despite my panic,

儘管那時候我很慌，

some small voice in my head thought,

但我腦子裡卻有些小聲音在說：

"Wow. That was dramatic.

「哇，剛剛很戲劇化。」

I must really be doing this love thing right."

「我肯定是談對戀愛了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love.

因為我的內心深處有某部分 渴望在愛情中受苦。

And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22,

這對現在的我來說很奇怪， 不過對於當時只有 22 歲的我，

I longed to have dramatic experiences,

我渴望經歷戲劇化的愛情。

and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated,

那個瞬間的我是不理性、 氣憤、絕望的。

and weirdly enough,

怪的是，

I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had

我居然認為在某種程度上

它證明了我對那過離我而去的人的愛。

for the guy who had just left me.

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy,

我想在某些程度上， 我想要試一下瘋狂的感覺，

because I thought that that was how love worked.

因為我當時認為愛情就是這樣的。

This really should not be surprising,

這並不足為奇，根據維基百科，

considering that according to Wikipedia,

there are eight films,

有八部電影，

14 songs,

十四首歌，兩張專輯

two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

和一本小說都名為《瘋狂愛情》，

About half an hour later, he came back to our room.

半小時後，

他回來了。

We made up.

我們和好了。

We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.

在接下來的旅行中 我們度過了愉快的一週。

And then, when I got home,

然後，當我回到家，

I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.

想著：「這段經歷真的是 既糟糕又美好。」

This must be a real romance."

「這一定是真正的愛情吧。」

I expected my first love to feel like madness,

我期盼著能在初戀體驗到瘋狂，

and of course, it met that expectation very well.

當然，這場戀愛滿足了 我對愛情的期望。

But loving someone like that --

不過這樣愛著一個人──

as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --

好像我的人生幸福都取決於 他對我的愛──

was not very good for me

對我自己和對他

or for him.

都是不好的。

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual.

但我覺得這樣的戀愛經驗並非偶見。

Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.

我們很多人在剛戀愛的時候 都感受過瘋狂。

In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,

事實上，有研究確認這是正常的。

because, neurochemically speaking,

因為，從神經化學角度來說，

romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished.

浪漫的愛情與得神經病 沒什麼太大的區別。

This is true.

這是真的。

This study from 1999 used blood tests

1999 年有一份 透過驗血方式的研究

to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love

確認剛戀愛的情侶的血清素水平

very closely resembled the serotonin levels

與強迫症患者血清素水平，

of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

並無大異。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

Yes, and low levels of serotonin

沒錯，而且低水平血清素

are also associated with seasonal affective disorder

與季節性情緒失調

and depression.

以及抑鬱症有關。

So there is some evidence

由此證明，

that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors.

我們的心情、行為變化 與戀愛息息相關。

And there are other studies to confirm

也有其它研究表明

that most relationships begin this way.

大多數感情是這樣開始的。

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin

研究者相信，低血清素

is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love,

與癡心妄想喜歡某人是息息相關的，

which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain.

這就好比那個人在你腦中揮之不去。

And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love.

我們初戀的時候都有這種感受。

But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long --

但幸運的是，這感受不會持續很久。

usually from a few months to a couple of years.

通常只有幾個月到幾年。

When I got back from my trip to South America,

當我從南美回來的時候，

I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

我獨自在房間裡待了很久。

checking my email,

看著我的電子郵箱，

desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

渴望得到我愛的男人的消息。

I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction,

我決定：如果 我的朋友不理解我的困境，

then I did not need their friendship.

那我也不需要這些友誼。

So I stopped hanging out with most of them.

所以我和大多數好友斷絕了關係。

And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.

那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。

But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable,

但我感覺我必須痛苦，

because if I could be miserable,

因為唯有痛苦，

then I would prove how much I loved him.

才能證明我對他的愛。

And if I could prove it,

如果我可以證明，

then we would have to end up together eventually.

那我們終將會在一起。

This is the real madness,

這真正的是瘋了，

because there is no cosmic rule

因為沒有任何規定說

that says that great suffering equals great reward,

你的痛苦付出一定會有回報，

but we talk about love as if this is true.

但在愛情裡我們就是這樣想的。

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural.

我們對愛情的體驗， 有生理上與文化上的。

Our biology tells us that love is good

生理透過激發我們大腦的 獎勵機制回饋

by activating these reward circuits in our brain,

告訴我們愛情是美好的。

and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup,

然而在吵架或分手後 它又告訴我們愛情是痛苦的，

that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

這時神經化學的獎勵機制就無效了。

And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this --

事實上你可能聽說過──

neurochemically speaking,

從神經化學的角度來說，

going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,

經歷分手和戒毒過程非常相似，

which I find reassuring.

這有安慰到我。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then our culture uses language

我們的文化、語言

to shape and reinforce these ideas about love.

會形塑、強化我們對愛情的看法。

In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain

所以，我們會用傷痛、

and addiction and madness.

上癮、瘋狂來形容愛情。

It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

這好像是一個有趣的反饋循環。

Love is powerful and at times painful,

愛情另人堅強，有時也令人痛苦，

and we express this in our words and stories,

我們會用文字與故事 來闡述我們對愛情的感受，

but then our words and stories prime us

但這些文字與故事 會主導我們對愛情

to expect love to be powerful and painful.

令人堅強與痛苦的期待。

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens

對我來說，有趣的是，

in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.

這些價值觀只會發生在 終生一夫一妻制的文化裡。

It seems like we want it both ways:

這好像是在說我們想兩者兼得：

we want love to feel like madness,

我們既想要愛得瘋狂，

and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

又想要這狂戀的感覺能延續一輩子。

That sounds terrible.

這聽起來很恐怖。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

To reconcile this,

要緩解這種情況，

we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.

我們只能改變我們的文化 或者改變我們的期望。

So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.

想像一下，假如我們在愛情中 變得不那麼被動。

If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous

假如我們變得更堅定、 更開明、更開放，

and instead of falling in love,

我們就不會是墮入愛河，

we stepped into love.

而是走進愛情。

I know that this is asking a lot,

我知道這個要求不容易，

but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this.

但是我並不是第一個 提出這樣建議的人。

In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

在《我們賴以生存的隱喻》一書中，

linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution

語言學家馬克·約翰遜和喬治·拉克夫

提出了一個非常有趣的方法 來解決這樣的矛盾，

to this dilemma,

which is to change our metaphors.

那就是改變我們的比喻。

They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,

他們認為，比喻真的可以 左右我們感受世界的方式，

and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,

甚至還能指引我們未來的行動，

like self-fulfilling prophecies.

就像自我實現的預言一樣。

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:

約翰遜和拉考夫 提出了一個新的比喻方式：

love as a collaborative work of art.

把戀愛當作是一個 共同合作的藝術品。

I really like this way of thinking about love.

我很喜歡這種看待愛情的方式。

Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,

語言學家運用的比喻法 是可以有很多內涵的，

which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,

這方法基本上都有考量到

or ideas contained within, a given metaphor.

本體的一切含義與概念。

And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything

而約翰遜和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了

that collaborating on a work of art entails:

合作創作藝術品的所有含義：

effort, compromise, patience, shared goals.

努力、妥協、耐心、共同目標等等。

These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment

這些概念與我們對

in long-term romantic commitment,

長久愛情的諾言文化很契合，

but they also work well for other kinds of relationships --

但它們同樣適用於 其它各種戀愛關係──

short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual --

短期的、隨意的戀情、多角戀、 非一夫一妻制、無性戀──

because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas

因為這種比喻在戀愛的體驗中

to the experience of loving someone.

賦予了更多覆雜的概念。

So if love is a collaborative work of art,

所以，如果愛是一個 共同合作的藝術作品，

then love is an aesthetic experience.

那麽愛情就是一種美學體驗。

Love is unpredictable,

愛情是無法預測的，

love is creative,

愛情是有創造力的，

love requires communication and discipline,

愛需要溝通和自制力，

it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.

愛是令人沮喪和苛求的。

And love involves both joy and pain.

愛情包括了快樂和痛苦。

Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

而最終，每段愛情的經歷都是不同的。

When I was younger,

在我年輕的時候，

it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,

我從來沒想過 能在愛情中尋求到更多，

that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered.

或者說我不需要全盤接受 愛情給我的感受。

When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

當十四歲的茱麗葉第一次遇到──

or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,

或者說，當十四歲的朱麗葉

不能和才認識四天的 羅蜜歐在一起時，

whom she has met four days ago,

she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

她並不覺得失望或難過。

Where is she?

她怎麼了？

She wants to die.

她想死。

Right?

對吧？

And just as a refresher, at this point in the play,

大家回憶一下， 戲劇演到這裏的時候

act three of five,

是五幕中的第三個場景，

Romeo is not dead.

羅密歐還沒死。

He's alive,

他還活著，

he's healthy,

他很健康，

he's just been banished from the city.

他只是被驅逐出城。

I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,

我明白十六世紀的維羅納 和當今的北美非常不同，

and yet when I first read this play,

然而當我第一次讀到這部戲劇，

also at age 14,

我也是十四歲，

Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

茱麗葉的痛苦我能感同身受。

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,

把愛情當作一個 與我所愛的人共同創造的東西，

rather than something that just happens to me

而不是一個不經我控制或同意

without my control or consent,

就發生在我身上的東西，

is empowering.

這想法非常激勵人心。

It's still hard.

這的確很難做到。

Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,

愛情有時候還是會讓我們 陷入瘋狂與痛苦，

and when I feel really frustrated,

但當我感到沮喪時，

I have to remind myself:

我會提醒自己：

my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner

我的任務是與伴侶交流，

about what I want to make together.

談論我們的共同目標。

This isn't easy, either.

這也不簡單。

But it's just so much better than the alternative,

但這比起把愛情當作瘋狂的行為

which is that thing that feels like madness.

要好很多了。

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection.

這樣的愛情並不是為了讓你 贏得或失去別人的愛慕。

Instead, it requires that you trust your partner

而是需要你去信任你的伴侶

and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,

和當出現信任危機時和伴侶討論。

which sounds so simple,

這聽起來很簡單，

but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act.

但這實際上是挺革命性、顛覆性的。

This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself

因為你可以不再糾結於自身，

and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship,

不再糾纏自己在愛情中的得與失，

and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

而是開始思考你可以怎麼做。

This version of love allows us to say things like,

這樣的愛情讓我們可以這樣說：

"Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us."

「嘿，我們並不是很好的合作夥伴。 可能我們不是很適合。」

Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned,

或者「雖然那段戀情 比我想像中的要短，

but it was still kind of beautiful."

但還是很美麗。」

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art

一個合作完成的藝術品的魅力所在於

is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.

它不會自描或自刻。

This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

這樣的愛情讓我們 可以主動決定它的美。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）