A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

Translator: Élida Tato Reviewer: Xosé María Moreno

OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.

Hoxe quero falar sobre como falamos do amor

And specifically,

e especificamente

I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

quero falar do que está mal na nosa maneira de falar do amor.

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times

A maioría de nós namorarémonos unhas pocas veces

over the course of our lives,

no transcurso das nosas vidas,

and in the English language, this metaphor, falling,

e en Inglés existe esta metáfora "falling (caer)"

is really the main way that we talk about that experience.

é realmente a maneira como se fala sobre esta experiencia

I don't know about you,

Non sei vós,

but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

pero cando eu imaxino esta metáfora,

what I picture is straight out of a cartoon --

o que vexo é como sacado dos debuxos animados

like there's a man,

temos un home,

he's walking down the sidewalk,

camiñando pola rúa

without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole,

sen decatarse, pasa sobre un sumidoiro aberto

and he just plummets into the sewer below.

e cae en picado por el.

And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.

E imaxínoo deste xeito porque caer non é saltar.

Falling is accidental,

Caer é accidental.

it's uncontrollable.

É incontrolábel

It's something that happens to us without our consent.

É algo que nos pasa sen o noso consentimento

And this --

E isto

this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

é a maneira principal como falamos de empezar unha nova relación.

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher,

Son unha escritora e tamén unha profesora de inglés,

which means I think about words for a living.

o que significa que o meu traballo é pensar nas palabras.

You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters,

Poderíase dicir que me pagan por dicir que a linguaxe que usamos importa,

and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use

e gustaríame dicir que moitas das metáforas que usamos

to talk about love --

falan do amor

maybe even most of them --

poida que a maioría delas

are a problem.

sexan un problema.

So, in love, we fall.

Cando namoramos, "caemos"

We're struck.

Coma se nos golpeasen.

We are crushed.

Coma se nos esmagasen.

We swoon.

Coma se nos fósemos a desmaiar

We burn with passion.

Ardemos con paixón.

Love makes us crazy,

O amor toléanos

and it makes us sick.

e enférmanos.

Our hearts ache,

Doénos os corazóns

and then they break.

e despois rompen.

So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone

As nosas metáfotas igualan a experiencia de amar a alguén

to extreme violence or illness.

ata a extrema violencia ou enfermidade.

(Laughter)

(risas)

They do.

É verdade.

And they position us as the victims

E sinálanos coma as víctimas

of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.

de circunstancias inevitábeis.

My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

A miña favorita é "azoutado"

which is the past participle of the word "smite."

que é o participio pasado da palabra "azoute".

And if you look this word up in the dictionary --

Se ti buscas esta palabra no dicionario

(Laughter)

(risas)

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction,"

poderédes ver que pode ser definida coma "aflicción dolorosa"

and, "to be very much in love."

e " estar moi moi namorado".

I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context,

Eu relaciono a palabra "azoute" cun contexto moi particular,

which is the Old Testament.

que é o Vello Testamento.

In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting,

Só no libro do Éxodo hai 16 referencias ó azoute,

which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

que é a palabra que a Biblia usa para a vinganza dun Deus cabreado.

(Laughter)

(risa)

Here we are using the same word to talk about love

Aquí empregamos a mesma palabra para falar do amor

that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

que para falar da praga de lagostas.

(Laughter)

(risa)

Right?

verdade?

So, how did this happen?

como é que pasou isto?

How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?

Como acabamos asociando o amor cunha gran dor e sufrimento?

And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience

E por que falamos desta maneira sobre unha boa experiencia

as if we are victims?

como se fósemos vítimas?

These are difficult questions,

Estas son preguntas difíciles,

but I have some theories.

pero teño algunhas teorías.

And to think this through,

E pensándoo detalladamente,

I want to focus on one metaphor in particular,

quero centrarme nunha metáfora en particular

which is the idea of love as madness.

que é a idea do amor como loucura.

When I first started researching romantic love,

Cando primeiramente empecei a buscar sobre o amor romántico,

I found these madness metaphors everywhere.

encontrei estas metáforas sobre a loucura en todas partes.

The history of Western culture

A historia da cultura occidental

is full of language that equates love to mental illness.

está chea de linguaxe que iguala o amor coas enfermidades mentais.

These are just a few examples.

Estos son alguns exemplos.

William Shakespeare:

William Shakespeare:

"Love is merely a madness,"

" O amor e meramente loucura"

from "As You Like It."

de "Como gostedes".

Friedrich Nietzsche:

Friedrich Nietzsche:

"There is always some madness in love."

"Sempre hai algo de loucura no amor"

"Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "

"E tenme, tenme parecendo tan loucamente namorada"

(Laughter)

(risa)

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

da gran filósofa, Beyoncé Knowles.

(Laughter)

(risas)

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20,

Namoreime por primeira vez cando tiña 20 anos

and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start.

e foi unha relación bastante turbulenta dende o principio.

And it was long distance for the first couple of years,

E foi unha relación a distancia os primeiros dous anos,

so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows.

o que significaba grandes subidas e baixadas.

I can remember one moment in particular.

Podo recordar un momento en particular.

I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America,

Estaba sentada nunha cama nun hostal en Sudamérica,

and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.

e vin a persoa que amaba saíndo da habitación.

And it was late,

E era tarde.

it was nearly midnight,

Era case medianoite

we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

tivemos unha pelexa na cea,

and when we got back to our room,

e cando volvimos á nosa habitación,

he threw his things in the bag and stormed out.

tirou as cousas na maleta e estourou.

While I can no longer remember what that argument was about,

Ainda que non podo recordar polo qué discutimos

I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

podo recordar perfectamente como me sentín cando se foi.

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world,

Tiña 22 anos e era a miña primeira vez nun país en vías de desenvolvemento,

and I was totally alone.

e estaba completamente soa.

I had another week until my flight home,

Tiña unha semana máis ata o meu voo a casa,

and I knew the name of the town that I was in,

e sabía o nome da cidade na que estaba

and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out,

e o nome da cidade da que precisaba voar ata casa,

but I had no idea how to get around.

pero non tiña nin idea de coma volver.

I had no guidebook and very little money,

Non tiña unha guía e tiña moi poucos cartos

and I spoke no Spanish.

e non falaba nada de español.

Someone more adventurous than me

Alguén máis aventureiro ca min

might have seen this as a moment of opportunity,

podería ver isto coma unha oportunidade

but I just froze.

pero eu paraliceime.

I just sat there.

Seguía alí sentada

And then I burst into tears.

e comecei a chorar.

But despite my panic,

Pero a pesar do meu pánico

some small voice in my head thought,

unha voceciña na miña cabeza pensou,

"Wow. That was dramatic.

"Guau, iso foi dramático.

I must really be doing this love thing right."

Debo estar facendo esta cousa do amor moi ben"

(Laughter)

(risas)

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love.

Porque parte de min quería sentirse miserable no amor.

And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22,

E soame raro agora pero aos 22

I longed to have dramatic experiences,

desexaba ter experiencias dramáticas,

and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated,

e nese momento era irracional, furiosa e estaba desfeita,

and weirdly enough,

e estrañamente,

I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had

pensei que isto xustificaba os meus sentimentos

for the guy who had just left me.

polo rapaz que acababa de deixarme.

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy,

Creo que en certa medida quería sentirme un pouco tola

because I thought that that was how love worked.

porque pensei que así era como o amor funciona.

This really should not be surprising,

Isto non debería sorprendernos,

considering that according to Wikipedia,

se consideramos que segundo a Wikipedia,

there are eight films,

hai 8 películas,

14 songs,

14 cancións,

two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

dous albums e unha novela co título "Amor tolo".

About half an hour later, he came back to our room.

Unha hora e media máis tarde, volveu á habitación.

We made up.

Arranxamos as cousas.

We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.

Pasamos outra semana xuntos maiormente felices,

And then, when I got home,

e despois, cando volvín á casa,

I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.

pensei " isto foi tan terrible e xenial

This must be a real romance."

isto debe ser amor real"

I expected my first love to feel like madness,

Esperaba que o meu primeiro amor fose coma unha loucura

and of course, it met that expectation very well.

e por suposto, cumprín coas miñas expectativas.

But loving someone like that --

Pero amar a alguén así

as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --

coma se o meu benestar dependese de que el me amase coma eu o amaba

was not very good for me

non foi bo para min

or for him.

ou para el.

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual.

Pero sospeito que esta experiencia do amor non é tan pouco frecuente.

Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.

A maioría de nós está un pouco tolo nas primeiras fases do amor romántico.

In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,

De feito, hai un estudo que confirma que isto en certa maneira é normal

because, neurochemically speaking,

porque, falando en términos neuroquímicos

romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished.

o amor romántico e as enfermidades mentais non son tan fáciles de distinguir.

This is true.

É verdade.

This study from 1999 used blood tests

Este estudo de 1999 usou análises de sangue

to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love

para confirmar que os niveles de serotonina de alguén que acaba de namorarse

very closely resembled the serotonin levels

son moi parecidos aos niveles de serotonina

of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

da xente diagnosticada con desorde obsesivo-compulsivo.

(Laughter)

(risa)

Yes, and low levels of serotonin

Si, e baixos niveis de serotonina

are also associated with seasonal affective disorder

tamén están asociados con épocas de desorden afectivos

and depression.

e depresión.

So there is some evidence

Polo que hai evidencia

that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors.

de que o amor está asociado a cambios no noso humor e comportamento

And there are other studies to confirm

E hai outros estudos que confirman

that most relationships begin this way.

que a maioría das relacións comezan desta maneira.

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin

Os investigadores pensan que os baixos niveles de serotonina

is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love,

están relacionados co pensamento obsesivo do obxecto do amor,

which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain.

que é este sentimento de que alguén camiña polo noso cerebro constantemente.

And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love.

E a maioría de nós séntese así cando nos enamoramos.

But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long --

Pero as boas noticias son que non dura tanto tempo

usually from a few months to a couple of years.

normalmente duns poucos meses a un par de anos.

When I got back from my trip to South America,

Cando volvín da miña viaxe por Sudamérica

I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

pasei moito tempo soa na miña habitación

checking my email,

mirando o meu mail,

desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

desesperada por escoitar do rapaz que eu amaba.

I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction,

Decidín que se os meus amigos non podían comprender os meus sentimentos de dor,

then I did not need their friendship.

entón non necesitaba a súa amizade.

So I stopped hanging out with most of them.

Así que parei de saír coa maioría deles.

And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.

E foi probablemente o ano máis infeliz da miña vida.

But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable,

Pero penso que era o meu traballo sentirme miserable

because if I could be miserable,

porque se eu podía ser miserable,

then I would prove how much I loved him.

podería demostrar o moito que o amaba.

And if I could prove it,

E se podía demostralo,

then we would have to end up together eventually.

entón acabariamos xuntos máis tarde ou máis cedo.

This is the real madness,

Isto é pura loucura,

because there is no cosmic rule

porque non hai unha lei cósmica

that says that great suffering equals great reward,

que diga que un gran sufrimento equivale a unha gran recompensa,

but we talk about love as if this is true.

pero falamos do amor coma se fose verdade.

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural.

As nosas experiencias no amor son tanto biolóxicas coma culturais.

Our biology tells us that love is good

A nosa bioloxía dítanos que o amor é bo

by activating these reward circuits in our brain,

activando estes circuitos de recompensa nos nosos cerebros,

and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup,

e dinos que o amor é dor cando, despois dunha pelexa ou ruptura,

that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

a recompensa neuroquímica é a rehabilitación.

And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this --

E de feito - e poida que xa o escoitásedes-

neurochemically speaking,

falando en términos neuroquímicos,

going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,

pasar unha ruptura e coma rehabilitarse dunha adicción á cocaína

which I find reassuring.

o que eu encontro tranquilizante.

(Laughter)

(risas)

And then our culture uses language

A nosa cultura usa a linguaxe

to shape and reinforce these ideas about love.

para dar forma e reforzar estas ideas sobre o amor.

In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain

Neste caso estamos a falar das metáforas sobre a dor,

and addiction and madness.

a adicción e a loucura.

It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

É un interesante bucle.

Love is powerful and at times painful,

O amor é poderoso e ás veces doloroso,

and we express this in our words and stories,

e expresámolo a través das nosas palabras e historias,

but then our words and stories prime us

pero as nosas palabras e historias prepárannos

to expect love to be powerful and painful.

para esperar que o amor sexa poderoso e doloroso.

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens

O que é interesante para min é que todo isto pasa

in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.

nunha cultura que valora a monogamía para toda a vida.

It seems like we want it both ways:

Parece que o queremos todo:

we want love to feel like madness,

queremos o amor que se sente coma loucura

and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

e queremos que dure toda a vida.

That sounds terrible.

É terrible.

(Laughter)

(risa)

To reconcile this,

Para arranxar isto,

we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.

temos ou que cambiar a cultura ou cambiar as nosas expectativas.

So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.

Imaxino que se todos fósemos menos pasivos no amor

If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous

e fósemos máis seguros, máis abertos de mente, máis xenerosos

and instead of falling in love,

e en vez de "caer" no amor,

we stepped into love.

camiñásemos no amor.

I know that this is asking a lot,

Sei que isto é pedir demasiado,

but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this.

pero non son a primeira persoa que suxire isto.

In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

No libro "As metáforas polas que vivimos"

linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution

os lingüistas Mark Johnson e George Lakoff suxiren una solución moi interesante

to this dilemma,

para este dilema,

which is to change our metaphors.

que é cambiar o uso das nosas metáforas.

They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,

Comentan que as metáforas dan forma a maneira na que percibimos o mundo,

and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,

e poden actuar coma unha guía para accións futuras

like self-fulfilling prophecies.

coma se fosen unha profecía.

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:

Johson e Lakoff suxiren unha nova metáfora para o amor:

love as a collaborative work of art.

amor coma una obra de arte en conxunto.

I really like this way of thinking about love.

Encántame esta maneira de pensar no amor.

Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,

Os lingüistas falan sobre as metáforas coma se tivesen vinculacións,

which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,

que é esencialmente a manera de considerar todas as implicacións

or ideas contained within, a given metaphor.

das ideas contidas nunha metáfora.

And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything

Johnson e Lakoff falan sobre todo

that collaborating on a work of art entails:

o que implica traballar conxuntamente nunha obra de arte:

effort, compromise, patience, shared goals.

esforzo, compromiso, paciencia, os mesmos obxetivos na vida.

These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment

Estas ideas encaixan na nosa cultura

in long-term romantic commitment,

no compromiso das largas relacións románticas,

but they also work well for other kinds of relationships --

pero tamén encaixan para outros tipos de relacións,

short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual --

curta duración, casual, poliamorosas, non monógamas, asexuais...

because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas

porque esta metáfora engloba ideas moito máis complexas

to the experience of loving someone.

á experiencia de amar a alguén.

So if love is a collaborative work of art,

Se o amor é a creación dunha obra de arte en conxunto

then love is an aesthetic experience.

entón o amor é unha experiencia artística.

Love is unpredictable,

O amor é impredicible,

love is creative,

o amor é creativo,

love requires communication and discipline,

o amor require comunicación e disciplina,

it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.

é frustrante e emocionalmente esixente.

And love involves both joy and pain.

O amor envolve tanto alegría coma dor.

Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

Ultimamente cada experiencia no amor é diferente.

When I was younger,

Cando era cativa,

it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,

nunca me ocurreu que se me permitise pedir máis do amor,

that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered.

que eu non tiña que aceptar calquera cousa que o amor me ofrecese.

When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

Cando unha Xulieta de 14 anos coñece

or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,

ou cando unha Xulieta de 14 anos non pode estar con Romeo

whom she has met four days ago,

o que coñeceu catro días antes,

she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

ela non se sente decepcionada ou con ansiedade

Where is she?

En que punto está ela?

She wants to die.

Ela quere morir.

Right?

Verdade?

And just as a refresher, at this point in the play,

E só coma recordatorio neste punto da obra,

act three of five,

acto tres de cinco,

Romeo is not dead.

Romeo non está morto.

He's alive,

El está vivo,

he's healthy,

está san,

he's just been banished from the city.

tan só desapareceu da cidade.

I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,

Eu entendo que a Verona do século XVI non é coma a Norte América contemporánea,

and yet when I first read this play,

e porén cando lin por primeira vez esta novela

also at age 14,

tamén ós 14,

Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

o sufrimento de Xulieta tiña sentido para min.

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,

Remplanteando o amor coma algo que se pode crear con alguén que admiro,

rather than something that just happens to me

e non coma algo que simplemente me sucede

without my control or consent,

sen o meu control ou consentimento

is empowering.

é motivador.

It's still hard.

É aínda difícil.

Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,

O amor fainos sentir coma unha loucura ás veces

and when I feel really frustrated,

e cando me sinto moi frustrada

I have to remind myself:

teño que recordar:

my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner

o meu traballo nesta relación é falar coa miña parella

about what I want to make together.

sobre o que queremos facer xuntos.

This isn't easy, either.

Isto tampouco é doado.

But it's just so much better than the alternative,

Pero é moito mellor ca a alternativa,

which is that thing that feels like madness.

que é o sentimento de loucura,

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection.

Esta versión do amor non vai de gañar ou perder o afecto de alguén.

Instead, it requires that you trust your partner

No seu lugar require que confíes na túa parella

and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,

e fales das cousas cando a confianza é difícil

which sounds so simple,

o cal soa moi simple,

but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act.

pero é en realidade revolucionario en certo sentido, un acto radical.

This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself

Iso é porque tes que pararte a pensar sobre tí mesmo,

and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship,

o que estás a gañar e a perder na túa relación de parella

and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

e comezas a pensar sobre o que tes que ofrecer.

This version of love allows us to say things like,

Esta versión do amor permítenos dicir cousas como,

"Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us."

"Non somos bos colaboradores. Ó mellor isto non é para nós"

Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned,

ou " esta relación foi máis curta do que tiña planeado

but it was still kind of beautiful."

pero aínda así foi bonita"

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art

O bonito dunha obra de arte en conxunto

is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.

é que non se vai pintar ou debuxar ou esculpir a si mesma.

This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

Esta versión do amor permítenos decidir coma se vai ver.

Thank you.

Grazas.

(Applause)

(Aplauso)