A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.

Dobro, danas želim pričati o tome kako pričamo o ljubavi.

And specifically,

Točnije,

I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

želim pričati o tome što je pogrešno u načinu na koji o njoj pričamo.

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times

Većina će se vjerojatno nekoliko puta zaljubiti

tijekom života,

over the course of our lives,

and in the English language, this metaphor, falling,

a u engleskom jeziku ta metafora "pasti u ljubav"

is really the main way that we talk about that experience.

osnovni je način na koji pričamo o ljubavi.

I don't know about you,

Ne znam za vas,

but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

ali kad ja zamišljam tu metaforu,

what I picture is straight out of a cartoon --

vidim prizor kao iz crtića -

čovjek

like there's a man,

he's walking down the sidewalk,

šeta pločnikom

i ni ne shvaćajući upada u šaht,

without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole,

and he just plummets into the sewer below.

stropošta se u kanalizaciju.

And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.

Zamišljam to tako jer "pasti" nije isto što i "uskočiti".

Falling is accidental,

Padamo slučajno,

it's uncontrollable.

bez svjesne kontrole,

It's something that happens to us without our consent.

to je nešto na što nismo pristali.

And this --

A to --

this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

to je osnovni način na koji pričamo o započinjanju nove veze.

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher,

Ja sam pisac i učiteljica engleskog jezika,

što znači da živim od razmišljanja o riječima.

which means I think about words for a living.

You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters,

Moglo bi se reći da me se plaća da kažem kako je jezik koji koristimo bitan

and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use

i voljela bih reći da mnoge metafore koje koristimo

to talk about love --

u razgovoru o ljubavi --

maybe even most of them --

možda čak i većina --

are a problem.

predstavljaju problem.

So, in love, we fall.

Dakle, u ljubav padamo.

We're struck.

Zaglavljeni smo.

We are crushed.

Zarobljeni smo.

We swoon.

Nesvjesni.

We burn with passion.

Izgaramo od strasti.

Love makes us crazy,

Ljubav nas izluđuje

and it makes us sick.

i bolesni smo od nje.

Our hearts ache,

Srca nas bole,

and then they break.

a potom se slamaju.

So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone

Naše metafore iskustvo voljenja izjednačavaju

to extreme violence or illness.

s ekstremnim nasiljem ili bolešću.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Istina je.

They do.

And they position us as the victims

U njima igramo ulogu žrtve,

of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.

nepredviđenih i nepremostivih okolnosti.

My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

Najdraži mi je izraz "pokošen",

which is the past participle of the word "smite."

čiji korijen leži u riječi "pokositi".

Potražite li ovu riječ u rječniku --

And if you look this word up in the dictionary --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction,"

vidjet ćete da je objašnjena kao "mučna nesreća"

and, "to be very much in love."

i kao "teška zaljubljenost".

I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context,

Ja tu riječ povezujem s točno određenim kontekstom,

a to je Stari Zavjet.

which is the Old Testament.

In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting,

U Knjizi Izlaska "pokošenost" se spominje 16 puta,

which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

a to je riječ koju Biblija koristi za osvetu ljutog Boga.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Here we are using the same word to talk about love

A mi koristimo istu riječ da bismo pričali o ljubavi.

that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

i da bismo objasnili najezdu skakavaca.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Zar ne?

Right?

So, how did this happen?

Kako se to dogodilo?

How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?

Kako smo počeli povezivati ljubav s velikom boli i mukom?

And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience

I zašto o ovome navodno dobro iskustvu

as if we are victims?

govorimo kao da smo u ulozi žrtve?

These are difficult questions,

Teška su to pitanja,

but I have some theories.

ali imam neke teorije.

And to think this through,

Da promislimo o tome,

I want to focus on one metaphor in particular,

želim da se posebno usredotočimo na jednu metaforu,

which is the idea of love as madness.

a to je ideja ljubavi kao ludosti.

Kad sam tek počela istraživati o romantičnoj ljubavi,

When I first started researching romantic love,

I found these madness metaphors everywhere.

posvuda sam nalazila na te metafore ludosti.

The history of Western culture

Povijest Zapadnjačke kulture

is full of language that equates love to mental illness.

puna je jezika koji ljubav izjednačava sa psihičkom bolesti.

These are just a few examples.

To su samo neki od primjera.

William Shakespeare:

William Shakespeare:

"Love is merely a madness,"

"Ljubav je samo ludilo"

from "As You Like It."

iz "Kako vam drago".

Friedrich Nietzsche:

Friedrich Nietzsche:

"There is always some madness in love."

"Uvijek postoji djelić ludosti u svakoj ljubavi."

"Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "

"Sad sam luda od ljubavi ---"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh))

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

velikog filozofa, Beyonce Knowles.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Prvi sam se put zaljubila s 20 godina.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20,

and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start.

Bila je to turbulentna veza od samog početka.

And it was long distance for the first couple of years,

Prvih nekoliko godina bila je to veza na daljinu,

so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows.

pa mi je u toj vezi bilo ili najbolje ili najgore.

I can remember one moment in particular.

Posebno se sjećam jednog trenutka.

I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America,

Sjedila sam na krevetu u južnoameričkom hostelu

and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.

i ugledala svog voljenog kako ulazi.

Bilo je kasno,

And it was late,

it was nearly midnight,

skoro pa ponoć,

posvađali smo se za večerom

we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

i kad smo se vratili u sobu,

and when we got back to our room,

pokupio je svoje stvari u torbu i izletio iz sobe.

he threw his things in the bag and stormed out.

Iako se više ne sjećam oko čega smo se posvađali,

While I can no longer remember what that argument was about,

I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

sjećam se vrlo jasno kako sam se osjećala dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.

Bilo mi je 22, prvi put sam se našla u nekoj od zemalja u razvoju

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world,

and I was totally alone.

i bila sam sasvim sama.

I had another week until my flight home,

Do povratka kući dijelio me jedan tjedan,

and I knew the name of the town that I was in,

znala sam ime grada u kojem sam se nalazila

and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out,

i ime grada u koji idem,

but I had no idea how to get around.

ali nisam se nikako mogla snaći.

I had no guidebook and very little money,

Nisam imala vodič, imala sam vrlo malo novca

i nisam znala španjolski.

and I spoke no Spanish.

Someone more adventurous than me

Netko s izraženijim pustolovnim duhom od mene

might have seen this as a moment of opportunity,

možda bi to vidio kao priliku,

ali ja sam se skamenila.

but I just froze.

I just sat there.

Samo sam sjedila.

And then I burst into tears.

I onda sam briznula u plač.

But despite my panic,

Unatoč mojoj panici,

some small voice in my head thought,

neki glasić u mojoj glavi pomislio je:

"Wow. That was dramatic.

"Opa. Čista drama.

I must really be doing this love thing right."

Mora da mi ide ova ljubav."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love.

Zato što je neki dio mene želio patiti zbog ljubavi.

And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22,

Sada mi to zvuči baš čudno, ali u 22. godini,

I longed to have dramatic experiences,

čeznula sam za dramatičnim iskustvima,

and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated,

a u tom sam trenutku bila iracionalna, bijesna i shrvana,

a začudo,

and weirdly enough,

I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had

pomislila sam kako to na neki način opravdava osjećaje koje sam gajila

for the guy who had just left me.

prema dečku koji me upravo ostavio.

Mislim da sam se htjela osjećati pomalo ludo

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy,

because I thought that that was how love worked.

jer sam mislila da ljubav tako funkcionira.

To ne bi trebalo čuditi

This really should not be surprising,

considering that according to Wikipedia,

jer prema Wikipediji,

there are eight films,

imamo osam filmova,

14 songs,

14 pjesama,

two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

dva albuma i jedan roman pod nazivom "Lud od ljubavi".

About half an hour later, he came back to our room.

U sobu se vratio nakon pola sata.

We made up.

Pomirili smo se.

Proveli smo zajedno još jedan uglavnom sretan vikend.

We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.

Tada, kad sam se vratila kući,

And then, when I got home,

I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.

pomislila sam - "To je bilo zastrašujuće, ali divno.

This must be a real romance."

Ovo mora da je prava romansa."

Očekivala sam da će moja prva ljubav biti poput ludosti.

I expected my first love to feel like madness,

and of course, it met that expectation very well.

i ovo je bilo potpuno u skladu s mojim očekivanjima.

But loving someone like that --

Ali voljeti nekoga na taj način -

as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --

kao da cijela moja dobrobit ovisi o tome da me on voli --

was not very good for me

nije bilo baš dobro ni za mene

or for him.

ni za njega.

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual.

No, pretpostavljam da osjećaj ljubavi nije tako neuobičajen.

Svi smo malo ludi u početnim fazama romantične ljubavi.

Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.

In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,

Čak štoviše, jedno istraživanje potvrđuje da je to donekle normalno

because, neurochemically speaking,

jer, neuro-kemijski gledano,

romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished.

romantična ljubav i psihička bolest ne mogu se tako lako razlikovati.

To je istina.

This is true.

This study from 1999 used blood tests

To istraživanje iz 1999. koristilo je krvne nalaze

to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love

kako bi potvrdilo da razine serotonina friško zaljubljene osobe

very closely resembled the serotonin levels

nalikuju razinama serotonina

of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

ljudi kojima je dijagnosticiran opsesivno-kompulzivni poremećaj.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Da, niske razine serotonina

Yes, and low levels of serotonin

are also associated with seasonal affective disorder

također mogu imati veze sa zimskom depresijom

and depression.

i depresijom općenito.

So there is some evidence

Postoje dokazi

that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors.

da je ljubav zaslužna za promjene u našem raspoloženju i ponašanju.

And there are other studies to confirm

Druga istraživanja potvrđuju

that most relationships begin this way.

da većina veza počinje na takav način.

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin

Istraživači vjeruju da su niske razine serotonina

is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love,

povezane s opsesivnim razmišljanjem o predmetu žudnje,

which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain.

zbog čega se možete osjećati kao da vam netko ne izlazi iz glave.

And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love.

Tako se većina nas osjeća kad se prvi put zaljubi.

But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long --

Dobra vijest glasi - to ne traje uvijek toliko dugo,

najčešće nekoliko mjeseci do nekoliko godina.

usually from a few months to a couple of years.

When I got back from my trip to South America,

Kad sam se vratila s putovanja u Južnu Ameriku,

I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

puno sam vremena provodila sama u svojoj sobi,

checking my email,

provjeravala e-poštu,

očajnički sam željela da mi se voljeni javi.

desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction,

Odlučila sam - ako moji prijatelji ne mogu razumjeti moju strašnu bol,

then I did not need their friendship.

ne trebam njihovo prijateljstvo.

So I stopped hanging out with most of them.

Prestala sam se družiti s većinom.

And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.

To je vjerojatno bila najnesretnija godina moga života.

Na neki sam način smatrala da se moram osjećati jadno

But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable,

because if I could be miserable,

jer ako sam mogla biti jadna,

then I would prove how much I loved him.

to je dokazivalo koliko sam ga voljela.

And if I could prove it,

A kad bih to dokazala,

then we would have to end up together eventually.

na kraju bismo nekako opet završili zajedno.

To je pravo ludilo

This is the real madness,

jer ne postoji nikakvo kozmičko pravilo

because there is no cosmic rule

that says that great suffering equals great reward,

da velika patnja donosi veliku nagradu,

but we talk about love as if this is true.

ali takvo mišljenje je uvriježeno kad je ljubav u pitanju.

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural.

Naša iskustva ljubavi su i biološka i kulturološka.

Our biology tells us that love is good

Naša nam biologija govori da je ljubav dobra

by activating these reward circuits in our brain,

aktivirajući te nagrađivačke sklopove u našim mozgovima

and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup,

i govoreći nam da je ljubav bolna kad nam je, nakon svađe ili prekida,

neuro-kemijska nagrada uskraćena.

that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

A zapravo -- to ste možda i čuli --

And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this --

neurochemically speaking,

neuro-kemijski gledano,

going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,

proživljavanje prekida nalik je odvikavanju od kokaina,

which I find reassuring.

što je za mene utješna činjenica.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I onda naša kultura koristi jezik

And then our culture uses language

to shape and reinforce these ideas about love.

kako bi oblikovala i učvrstila te ideje o ljubavi.

In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain

U tom slučaju, radi se o metaforama o boli,

and addiction and madness.

ovisnosti i ludilu.

It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

Zanimljiva je to petlja povratne veze.

Love is powerful and at times painful,

Ljubav je snažna i ponekad bolna,

and we express this in our words and stories,

a mi to izražavamo svojim riječima i pričama,

but then our words and stories prime us

ali onda nas te riječi i priče uvjetuju

to expect love to be powerful and painful.

da od ljubavi očekujemo da bude snažna i bolna.

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens

Zanimljivo mi je kako se sve to događa

u kulturi koja cijeni cjeloživotnu monogamiju.

in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.

It seems like we want it both ways:

Čini se kao da želimo sve odjednom -

we want love to feel like madness,

želim da ljubav bude poput ludila

and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

i želimo da traje do kraja života.

That sounds terrible.

Ne zvuči li to užasno?

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

To reconcile this,

Kako bismo pomirili te želje,

we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.

moramo promijeniti ili našu kulturu ili naša očekivanja.

So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.

Zamislite da smo svi manje pasivni u ljubavi.

If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous

Da smo asertivniji, otvorenijeg uma, velikodušniji

and instead of falling in love,

i umjesto da "padnemo u ljubav",

u nju zakoračimo.

we stepped into love.

I know that this is asking a lot,

Znam da tražim puno,

ali nisam ja prva koja je to predložila.

but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this.

U knjizi "Metafore po kojima živimo"

In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution

lingvisti MarkJohnson i George Lakoff predlažu zanimljivo rješenje

to this dilemma,

ove dileme,

which is to change our metaphors.

a to je da promijenimo naše metafore.

They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,

Oni tvrde da metafore uistinu oblikuju način na koji doživljavamo svijet

i da nam čak mogu poslužiti kao vodič za buduća djelovanja,

and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,

like self-fulfilling prophecies.

poput samoispunjavajućeg proročanstva.

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:

Johnson i Lakoff predlažu novu metaforu za ljubav:

love as a collaborative work of art.

ljubav kao suradničko umjetničko djelo.

I really like this way of thinking about love.

Sviđa mi se taj način razmišljanja o ljubavi.

Lingvisti tvrde da metafore uključuju određene pretpostavke,

Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,

which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,

a to je način razmatranja svih implikacija

or ideas contained within, a given metaphor.

ili ideja sadržanih u određenoj metafori.

And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything

Johnson i Lakoff govore o svemu

that collaborating on a work of art entails:

što suradnja na umjetničkom djelu uključuje:

effort, compromise, patience, shared goals.

trud, kompromis, strpljenje, zajedničke ciljeve.

These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment

Te se ideje lijepo slažu s našim kulturološkim ulaganjima

in long-term romantic commitment,

u dugoročne romantične zavjete,

but they also work well for other kinds of relationships --

ali slažu se i s drugim vrstama odnosa --

kratkoročnim, neobveznim, višeljubnim, nemonogamnim, aseksualnim --

short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual --

because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas

jer ta metafora donosi puno kompleksnijih ideja

to the experience of loving someone.

iskustvu ljubavi prema nekome.

So if love is a collaborative work of art,

Ako je ljubav suradničko umjetničko djelo,

ljubav je estetsko iskustvo.

then love is an aesthetic experience.

Love is unpredictable,

Ljubav je nepredvidljiva,

ljubav je kreativna,

love is creative,

love requires communication and discipline,

ljubav zahtijeva komunikaciju i disciplinu,

frustrirajuća je i emocionalno zahtjevna,

it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.

And love involves both joy and pain.

a ljubav uključuje i sreću i bol.

Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

Konačno, svaka ljubav je drugačija.

When I was younger,

Kad sam bila mlađa,

it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,

nikad mi nije palo na pamet da mi je dozvoljeno tražiti više od ljubavi,

da ne moram samo prihvatiti ono što se nudi.

that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered.

When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

Kad 14-ogodišnja Julija upoznaje --

ili kad 14-godišnja Julija ne može biti s Romeom,

or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,

kojeg je upoznala prije četiri dana,

whom she has met four days ago,

she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

nije razočarana ili tjeskobna.

Gdje je?

Where is she?

She wants to die.

Želi umrijeti.

Right?

Zar ne?

And just as a refresher, at this point in the play,

Samo da vas podsjetim, u ovom dijelu drame,

act three of five,

čin treći od pet,

Romeo is not dead.

Romeo još nije mrtav.

He's alive,

Živ je,

zdrav je,

he's healthy,

he's just been banished from the city.

samo je protjeran iz grada.

I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,

Razumijem ja da Verona 16. stoljeća nije poput suvremene Južne Amerike,

and yet when I first read this play,

ali kad sam prvi put pročitala tu dramu,

also at age 14,

kad mi je također bilo 14 godina,

Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

Julijine patnje imale su mi smisla.

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,

Preoblikovanje ljubavi u nešto što imam priliku stvarati s nekim kome se divim,

rather than something that just happens to me

umjesto nečega što mi se jednostavno dogodi,

bez moje kontrole ili pristanka,

without my control or consent,

is empowering.

osnažujuće je.

It's still hard.

I dalje je teško.

Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,

Ljubav ponekad toliko zaluđuje i slama

and when I feel really frustrated,

i kada sam frustrirana,

moram se podsjetiti:

I have to remind myself:

my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner

u ovoj vezi moje je zadatak pričati s mojim partnerom

about what I want to make together.

o tome što želim da skupa izgradimo.

This isn't easy, either.

Nije ni to lako,

But it's just so much better than the alternative,

ali puno je bolje od alternative,

which is that thing that feels like madness.

a to je onaj osjećaj ludosti.

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection.

Ova inačica ljubavi ne bavi se osvajanjem ili gubljenjem nečije naklonosti,

Instead, it requires that you trust your partner

već traži od vas da vjerujete partneru

and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,

i da razgovarate o stvarima kad se povjerenje čini teško.

which sounds so simple,

To zvuči jako jednostavno,

but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act.

ali to je zapravo revolucionarni, radikalni čin.

To je zato što možete prestati razmišljati o sebi

This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself

and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship,

i o tome što dobivate ili gubite u vezi

and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

te počinjete razmišljati o tome što imate za ponuditi.

This version of love allows us to say things like,

Ta verzija ljubavi omogućuje nam da govorimo ovakve stvari:

"Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us."

"Ne surađujemo baš najbolje. Možda ovo nije za nas."

Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned,

Ili: "Ta je veza bila kraća nego što sam planirala,

but it was still kind of beautiful."

ali ipak je bila lijepa na svoj način."

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art

Ono što je lijepo u suradničkom umjetničkom djelu

is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.

jest to da ga ne slikamo, ne crtamo i ne klešemo sami.

Ta inačica ljubavi omogućava nam da odlučimo kako ono izgleda.

This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)