A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Camille Martínez

翻译人员: Hancheng Li 校对人员: Jiawei Ni

OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.

今天， 我想讨论一下 我们谈论爱情的方法。

说得更明确一些，

And specifically,

I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

就是讨论一下我们 谈论爱情时犯的错误。

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times

我们大多数人在一生中

会不止一次坠入爱河，

over the course of our lives,

and in the English language, this metaphor, falling,

而在语言中，我们使用“坠入”一词，

is really the main way that we talk about that experience.

很大程度上也形容了恋爱的体验。

I don't know about you,

我不知道你们怎么想的，

but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

但我脑海中所浮现的画面

what I picture is straight out of a cartoon --

完全和卡通片一样：

有一个人，

like there's a man,

他走在人行道上，

he's walking down the sidewalk,

不经意间走过一个井口，

without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole,

然后“扑通”一声跌进了下水道。

and he just plummets into the sewer below.

And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.

我这样想象是因为 “坠入”与“跳入”不同。

Falling is accidental,

“坠入”是意外的，

it's uncontrollable.

是不可控制的。

It's something that happens to us without our consent.

它的发生是未经自己允许的。

And this --

而这就是我们讨论 一段新恋情时的描述方式。

this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher,

我是作家也是英语老师，

这意味着我靠咬文嚼字为生。

which means I think about words for a living.

You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters,

你可以说我的工作就是告诉别人 日常用语是很要紧的，

and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use

而我想指出的是，

有很多用来形容爱情的比喻，

to talk about love --

maybe even most of them --

甚至可能是大多数，

are a problem.

都是有问题的。

So, in love, we fall.

所以说， 我们会“坠入”爱河。

We're struck.

爱情突如其来。

我们不能自拔。

We are crushed.

We swoon.

我们痴狂迷醉。

We burn with passion.

我们被热情灼烧。

Love makes us crazy,

爱情使人癫狂，

and it makes us sick.

也使我们患病。

Our hearts ache,

我们的心在滴血，

and then they break.

然后支离破碎。

So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone

所以说，这种比喻将恋爱经历

to extreme violence or illness.

等同于极暴力和病态。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

事实真是如此。

They do.

And they position us as the victims

而这些比喻把我们定位成

某种未知、不可避免的事件的受害者。

of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.

My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

其中我最喜欢的单词 “smitten”，

which is the past participle of the word "smite."

是“smite”的过去分词。

如果在词典里查询这个单词……

And if you look this word up in the dictionary --

(Laughter)

（笑声）

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction,"

你会发现它既可译为“惨痛的折磨”，

and, "to be very much in love."

又可以译为“被迷得神魂颠倒”。

I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context,

这个单词常使我联想到一段特殊文字，

那就是《圣经·旧约》。

which is the Old Testament.

In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting,

仅在《出埃及记》中， 就16次提及这个单词，

which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

它被《圣经》用来形容 一位愤怒的神的复仇。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Here we are using the same word to talk about love

而如今这个用来形容爱情的词，

that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

原本是拿来形容蝗灾的。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

对吧？

Right?

So, how did this happen?

所以为什么会这样？

How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?

我们怎么会将爱情 和伤痛与苦难混为一谈？

And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience

还有我们为何会讨论这种美好假象，

as if we are victims?

好像自己是受害者？

These are difficult questions,

这些问题很难回答，

but I have some theories.

但我有一些理论。

And to think this through,

若想解释清楚，

我想着重谈谈这样一个比喻，

I want to focus on one metaphor in particular,

which is the idea of love as madness.

那就是将爱情喻为疯狂。

一开始研究浪漫爱情的时候，

When I first started researching romantic love,

I found these madness metaphors everywhere.

我发现这种比喻无处不在。

The history of Western culture

西方历史文化中，

is full of language that equates love to mental illness.

有许多文字将爱情比喻为精神疾病。

These are just a few examples.

以下是几个例子。

William Shakespeare:

威廉·莎士比亚说过：

"Love is merely a madness,"

“爱情不过是一种疯狂。”

出自《皆大欢喜》。

from "As You Like It."

哲学家尼采说过：

Friedrich Nietzsche:

"There is always some madness in love."

“爱情中总是有些疯狂的。”

"Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "

还有“你的爱，你的爱让我如此痴狂……”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

上句出自伟大的“哲学家”， 碧昂斯·诺里斯。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

我在二十岁的时候经历了初恋，

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20,

and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start.

那是一段自始至终都非常凌乱的恋情。

And it was long distance for the first couple of years,

刚开始几年还是长途异地恋，

so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows.

所以对我来说意味着 很高的高潮和很低的低谷。

I can remember one moment in particular.

我还记得一个特别的瞬间。

I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America,

当时我在南美，坐在一间旅社的床上，

and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.

看着我爱着的人冲出门外。

当时很晚了，

And it was late,

it was nearly midnight,

将近午夜，

我们在晚饭时发生了争吵，

we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

当我们回到房间后，

and when we got back to our room,

他把东西扔到包里，径直冲出了房间。

he threw his things in the bag and stormed out.

我已不记得当时争吵的目的，

While I can no longer remember what that argument was about,

I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

但我清楚记得我看着他离开时的感受。

我当时22岁， 第一次来到发展中国家，

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world,

and I was totally alone.

而且我孤身一人。

I had another week until my flight home,

距离我回家还有一周，

and I knew the name of the town that I was in,

我记得我所在的那个小镇的名字，

也记得我要飞离南美的 出发地城市的名字，

and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out,

but I had no idea how to get around.

但我并不知道怎么走。

I had no guidebook and very little money,

我没有向导书也没有多少钱，

而且我不会讲西班牙语。

and I spoke no Spanish.

Someone more adventurous than me

比我更有冒险精神的人，

might have seen this as a moment of opportunity,

可能会把这视为一次很好的锻炼经历，

但我却不知所措。

but I just froze.

I just sat there.

我就坐在那儿。

And then I burst into tears.

然后嚎啕大哭。

But despite my panic,

但在慌乱中，

some small voice in my head thought,

我脑海中的一个声音告诉我：

"Wow. That was dramatic.

“天啊，这很戏剧化哦。

I must really be doing this love thing right."

我一定是把爱情表现的淋漓尽致了。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

因为我内心深处 是渴望在爱情中受伤的。

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love.

And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22,

这对于现在的我说很奇怪， 但对于22岁的我，

I longed to have dramatic experiences,

我渴望一次戏剧性的经历，

and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated,

那个瞬间我很不理性、 很气愤、很绝望，

而更奇怪的是，

and weirdly enough,

我认为某种程度上，

I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had

它证明了我对离我而去那个人的爱。

for the guy who had just left me.

可能在某些时候想疯狂一些，

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy,

because I thought that that was how love worked.

因为我以为爱情就应该是这样。

其实这不应该使人惊讶，

This really should not be surprising,

considering that according to Wikipedia,

因为根据维基百科，

there are eight films,

有8部电影，

14 songs,

14首歌，2张专辑，

two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

和一本小说都命名为《疯狂爱情》。

About half an hour later, he came back to our room.

半小时后，他回来了。

We made up.

我们复合了。

接下来，在旅行中我们度过了愉快的一周。

We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.

然后我回到家，

And then, when I got home,

I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.

我想，“这可真是既糟糕又美好。

This must be a real romance."

这一定是真正的爱情吧。”

我期盼着能在初恋中感受到疯狂，

I expected my first love to feel like madness,

and of course, it met that expectation very well.

显然，这个期望被很好的满足了。

But loving someone like that --

不过这样爱着一个人，

as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --

好像我的全部都取决于他回馈的爱，

was not very good for me

对自己是很不好的，

or for him.

对他也一样。

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual.

不过我觉得这段爱情经历 并不是非常罕见。

我们大多数人在恋情的早期 都会感受到些许疯狂。

Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.

In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,

事实上，研究表明这是正常现象，

because, neurochemically speaking,

因为， 从神经学角度来说，

恋情和精神疾病并没有特别大的区别。

romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished.

这是真的。

This is true.

This study from 1999 used blood tests

一个1999年的实验通过验血，

to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love

确认了新情侣的血清素水平

very closely resembled the serotonin levels

和另一群人的血清素水平相似，

of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

那就是强迫症患者。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

没错，低水平的血清素

Yes, and low levels of serotonin

are also associated with seasonal affective disorder

与季节性情感障碍

and depression.

以及抑郁症都有关联。

So there is some evidence

由此证明，

that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors.

心情和行为的变化与爱情是有关的。

And there are other studies to confirm

也有其他研究确认

that most relationships begin this way.

大多数感情是这样开始的。

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin

研究者相信，低水平的血清素

is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love,

代表了对恋爱对象的强迫性回忆，

which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain.

就好像别人在你的脑海中安营扎寨。

And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love.

我们在初恋都有这样的感受。

But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long --

但幸运的是，这感受不会持续很久，

通常只有几个月到一两年。

usually from a few months to a couple of years.

When I got back from my trip to South America,

当我从南美回来的时候，

我在我的房间里独自待了很久，

I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

checking my email,

查看我的邮箱，

非常渴望得到我爱的那个男人的消息。

desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction,

我决定：如果我的朋友不理解我的困境，

then I did not need their friendship.

那我也不需要这些友谊。

So I stopped hanging out with most of them.

所以我和大多数好友断绝了联系，

And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.

那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。

但我感觉我必须要感受痛苦，

But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable,

because if I could be miserable,

因为通过我的痛苦，

then I would prove how much I loved him.

才可以证明我对他的爱。

And if I could prove it,

如果我可以证明，

then we would have to end up together eventually.

那我们终将会在一起。

这才是真正的疯狂，

This is the real madness,

因为并没有明确规定，

because there is no cosmic rule

that says that great suffering equals great reward,

受苦受难就一定能得到回报，

but we talk about love as if this is true.

但在爱情里我们却觉得这是对的。

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural.

我们的爱情体验 既是生理上的，又是文化上的。

Our biology tells us that love is good

生理通过激发我们大脑的激励反馈，

by activating these reward circuits in our brain,

告诉我们爱情是美好的。

and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup,

然而在吵架或分手后， 它又告诉我们爱情是痛苦的，

这时候神经反馈是无效的。

that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

事实上，你可能听说过，

And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this --

neurochemically speaking,

从神经学的角度来说，

going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,

经历分手和戒毒过程非常相似，

which I find reassuring.

这点我感到很舒心。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

我们的文化利用语言

And then our culture uses language

to shape and reinforce these ideas about love.

来塑造与加强对于爱的观念。

In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain

现在的情况是，我们将其等同于

痛苦、癖嗜和痴狂。

and addiction and madness.

It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

这好像是一个有趣的反馈循环。

Love is powerful and at times painful,

爱情很伟大，但有时也让我们痛苦，

and we express this in our words and stories,

我们用词句和故事来表达这点，

but then our words and stories prime us

然后这些文字又使得我们

to expect love to be powerful and painful.

盲目期待爱情就应是伟大而痛苦的。

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens

而对我来说有趣的是，

这一切都发生在一个 鼓励终生一夫一妻制的文化里。

in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.

It seems like we want it both ways:

这好像是说我们想两者兼得：

we want love to feel like madness,

我们既想让爱情疯狂一些，

and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

我们又想让它持续一生。

That sounds terrible.

这听起来糟透了。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

To reconcile this,

要缓解这种情况，

we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.

我们要不改变我们的文化， 要不改变我们的期望。

So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.

请各位想象一下， 所有人的爱情都没那么被动。

If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous

想象我们少一些固执， 心胸变得更宽广、更开放，

and instead of falling in love,

我们不再“坠入”爱河，

我们“步入”爱河。

we stepped into love.

I know that this is asking a lot,

我知道这个要求有点高，

但我并不是第一个提出这点的人。

but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this.

在《我们赖以生存的隐喻》一书中，

In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution

语言学家马克·约翰逊和乔治·拉克夫 提出了一个非常有趣的方法

to this dilemma,

来解决这一矛盾，

which is to change our metaphors.

那就是改变我们的比喻。

They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,

他们认为，比喻真的可以 左右我们感受世界的方式，

而它们甚至可以成为 我们未来行动的指引，

and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,

like self-fulfilling prophecies.

就像是自我实现的预言。

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:

约翰逊和拉克夫提出了 爱情的一种新比喻：

love as a collaborative work of art.

爱情是一个合作完成的艺术品。

I really like this way of thinking about love.

我很喜欢这种看待爱情的方式。

语言学家运用比喻是有很多内涵的，

Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,

which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,

其实就是说喻体中包含了

or ideas contained within, a given metaphor.

本体的几乎一切含义与概念。

And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything

而约翰逊和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了

合作创作艺术品的所有含义：

that collaborating on a work of art entails:

effort, compromise, patience, shared goals.

努力、妥协、耐心、共同的目标等等。

These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment

这些概念与我们在长期恋情中

做出的精神投入很契合，

in long-term romantic commitment,

but they also work well for other kinds of relationships --

但它们同样适用于 其它各种恋爱关系——

短期的、随意的恋情，多角恋， 非一夫一妻制，无性恋……

short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual --

because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas

因为这种比喻在恋爱的体验中

to the experience of loving someone.

赋予了更多复杂的概念。

So if love is a collaborative work of art,

所以假如爱情是合作完成的艺术品，

那么爱情就是一种美学体验。

then love is an aesthetic experience.

Love is unpredictable,

爱情是无法预测的，

爱情是创造性的，

love is creative,

love requires communication and discipline,

爱情需要沟通，需要规矩，

爱情是令人沮丧的， 会造成很多精神压力。

it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.

And love involves both joy and pain.

而爱情中既有快乐，也有痛苦。

Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

而最终，每次爱情经历都是不同的。

When I was younger,

当我还年轻的时候，

it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,

我从来没想过我可以 从爱情中寻求更多，

或者说我不需要全盘接受 爱情给我提供的感受。

that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered.

When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

当14岁的朱丽叶第一次见到……

或者说，当14岁的朱丽叶 不能和罗密欧在一起，

or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,

她才认识罗密欧四天时间，

whom she has met four days ago,

she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

她不觉得失落或痛苦。

她怎么了？

Where is she?

She wants to die.

她想寻死。

Right?

对吧？

And just as a refresher, at this point in the play,

大家回忆一下， 戏剧演到这里的时候

act three of five,

是五幕中的第三幕，

Romeo is not dead.

罗密欧并没有死，

He's alive,

他还活着，

他很健康，

he's healthy,

he's just been banished from the city.

他只是被驱逐出城了。

I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,

我明白16世纪的维罗纳 和当今的北美非常不同，

and yet when I first read this play,

然而当我第一次读到这部戏剧，

also at age 14,

同样也在14岁，

Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

我觉得能够感受朱丽叶的痛苦。

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,

把爱情当作一个 与我所爱的人共同创造的东西，

rather than something that just happens to me

而不是一个不经我控制或同意

就发生在我身上的东西，

without my control or consent,

is empowering.

这想法非常激动人心。

It's still hard.

这依然很难做到。

Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,

爱情有时候还是让我 陷入疯狂与痛苦，

and when I feel really frustrated,

而当我感到特别沮丧时，

我必须提醒自己：

I have to remind myself:

my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner

在这段关系中， 我的任务是与伴侣交流，

about what I want to make together.

沟通我们想共同创造的东西。

This isn't easy, either.

其实这也不容易，

But it's just so much better than the alternative,

但它已经比另一种方式要好很多了，

which is that thing that feels like madness.

那就是将爱情当作疯狂的体验。

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection.

这种爱情不是为了 赢取或者失去某人的爱慕，

Instead, it requires that you trust your partner

而是需要你相信你的伴侣，

and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,

而且当遇到信任危机时冷静交流，

which sounds so simple,

虽说听起来很容易，

but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act.

但这实际上是 挺革命性、颠覆性的。

因为你可以不再纠结于自身，

This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself

and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship,

不再纠缠自己在爱情中的得与失，

and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

而开始思考你可以做出什么贡献。

This version of love allows us to say things like,

这种爱情让我们可以这样说：

"Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us."

“嘿，我们之间的合作不是很好。 可能这不适合我们吧。”

Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned,

或者说，“这段爱情 比我预计的要短一些，

but it was still kind of beautiful."

但它还是挺美好的吧。”

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art

一个合作完成的艺术品的魅力所在，

is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.

就是它不会自己描绘或塑造自己。

这种爱情让我们主动决定它的美。

This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

谢谢！

Thank you.

（鼓掌）

(Applause)