A tale of mental illness | Elyn Saks

Translator: Morton Bast Reviewer: Thu-Huong Ha

Prevodilac: Ivana Korom Lektor: Mile Živković

So I'm a woman with chronic schizophrenia.

Ja sam žena koja boluje od hronične šizofrenije.

I've spent hundreds of days

Provela sam na stotine dana

in psychiatric hospitals.

u psihijatrijskim ustanovama.

I might have ended up spending

Mogla sam provesti

most of my life on the back ward of a hospital,

većinu svog života u bolničkoj sobi,

but that isn't how my life turned out.

no moj život je uzeo drugi pravac.

In fact, I've managed to stay clear of hospitals

Naime, uspešno izbegavam boravak u bolnici

for almost three decades,

već skoro tri decenije

perhaps my proudest accomplishment.

i to je verovatno nešto čime se najviše ponosim u životu.

That's not to say that I've remained clear

Međutim, to ne znači da sam se izborila

of all psychiatric struggles.

sa svim psihijatrijskim problemima.

After I graduated from the Yale Law School and

Nakon što sam diplomirala pravo na Jejlu

got my first law job, my New Haven analyst, Dr. White,

i dobila svoj prvi posao u struci, moj psihijatar iz Nju Hejvena, Dr. Vajt,

announced to me that he was going to close his practice

saopštio mi je da će zatvoriti ordinaciju

in three months, several years

za tri meseca, dok sam ja planirala da napustim

before I had planned to leave New Haven.

Nju Hejven tek za nekoliko godina.

White had been enormously helpful to me,

Dr Vajt mi je bio od velike pomoći

and the thought of his leaving

i pomisao na njegov odlazak

shattered me.

me je duboko potresla.

My best friend Steve,

Moj nabolji prijatelj Stiv

sensing that something was terribly wrong,

osetio je da nešto nije u redu

flew out to New Haven to be with me.

i doputovao je u Nju Hejven da bude sa mnom.

Now I'm going to quote from some of my writings:

Citiraću sada neke od svojih zapisa:

"I opened the door to my studio apartment.

"Otvorila sam vrata svoje garsonjere.

Steve would later tell me that,

Stiv mi je kasnije rekao da,

for all the times he had seen me psychotic, nothing

iako je već imao prilike da me vidi u psihotičnom stanju,

could have prepared him for what he saw that day.

ništa ga nije moglo pripremiti za ono što je tada video.

For a week or more, I had barely eaten.

Nedelju dana ili više gotovo uopšte nisam jela.

I was gaunt. I walked

Delovala sam ispijeno. Hodala sam

as though my legs were wooden.

kao da su mi noge od olova.

My face looked and felt like a mask.

Osećala sam da mi je lice kao maska, tako je i izgledalo.

I had closed all the curtains in the apartment, so

Navukla sam sve zavese u stanu, tako da je

in the middle of the day

usred bela dana

the apartment was in near total darkness.

stan bio skoro u potpunosti zamračen.

The air was fetid, the room a shambles.

Vazduh je bio ustajao, soba u haosu.

Steve, both a lawyer and a psychologist, has treated

Stiv, po struci pravnik i psiholog, lečio je

many patients with severe mental illness, and to this day

mnoge pacijente sa teškim mentalnim poremećajima, i on i danas

he'll say I was as bad as any he had ever seen.

tvrdi da nikada nije video pacijenta u ozbiljnijem stanju.

'Hi,' I said, and then I returned to the couch,

"Zdravo," rekla sam pre nego što sam se vratila na kauč,

where I sat in silence for several moments.

gde sam sedela neko vreme u tišini.

'Thank you for coming, Steve.

"Hvala što si došao, Stive.

Crumbling world, word, voice.

Svet se ruši, reč, glas.

Tell the clocks to stop.

Zaustavi satove.

Time is. Time has come.'

Vreme je. Došlo je vreme."

'White is leaving,' Steve said somberly.

"Vajt odlazi", rekao je Stiv ozbiljno.

'I'm being pushed into a grave. The situation is grave,' I moan.

"Gurnuli su me u grob. Situacija je ozbiljna", progunđala sam.

'Gravity is pulling me down.

"Gravitacija me ozbiljno vuče na dole.

I'm scared. Tell them to get away.'"

Uplašena sam. Reci im da odu.'"

As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital

Kao mlada žena, u psihijatrijskoj bolnici

on three different occasions for lengthy periods.

sam bila 3 puta, na duže vreme.

My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia,

Lekari su mi dijagnostikovali hroničnu šizofreniju

and gave me a prognosis of "grave."

i prognoza je bila "ozbiljna".

That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care,

U najboljem slučaju, predvideli su da ću živeti u domu

and work at menial jobs.

i raditi nekvalifikovane poslove.

Fortunately, I did not actually

Srećom, nisam ostvarila

enact that grave prognosis.

tu užasnu prognozu.

Instead, I'm a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology

Umesto toga, ja sam glavni profesor prava,

and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law,

psihologije i psihijatrije na Pravnom fakultetu u Južnoj Kaliforniji,

I have many close friends

imam mnogo bliskih prijatelja

and I have a beloved husband, Will, who's here with us today.

i voljenog muža Vila, koji je ovde s nama danas.

(Applause) Thank you.

(Aplauz) Hvala.

He's definitely the star of my show.

On je sigurno zvezda moje priče.

I'd like to share with you how that happened, and also

Volela bih da podelim sa vama kako se to desilo

describe my experience of being psychotic.

i da opišem svoje psihotično iskustvo.

I hasten to add that it's my experience,

Naglašavam da je to moje iskustvo,

because everyone becomes psychotic in his or her own way.

jer svako postane psihotičan na svoj način.

Let's start with the definition of schizophrenia.

Počnimo sa definicijom šizofrenije.

Schizophrenia is a brain disease.

To je mentalna bolest.

Its defining feature is psychosis, or being

Ono što je definiše je psihoza,

out of touch with reality.

gubitak dodira sa realnošću.

Delusions and hallucinations

Deluzije i halucinacije

are hallmarks of the illness.

su obeležja bolesti.

Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive

Deluzije su ukorenjena lažna uverenja

to evidence, and hallucinations are false sensory experiences.

neosetljiva na dokaze, a halucinacije su lažna senzorna iskustva.

For example, when I'm psychotic I often have

Na primer, u stanju psihoze često imam uverenje

the delusion that I've killed hundreds of thousands

da sam svojim mislima ubila

of people with my thoughts.

stotine hiljada ljudi.

I sometimes have the idea that

Ponekada mislim

nuclear explosions are about to be set off in my brain.

da će doći do nuklearnih eksplozija u mom mozgu.

Occasionally, I have hallucinations,

Ponekad imam halucinacije,

like one time I turned around and saw a man

kao kad sam se jednom okrenula i ugledala čoveka

with a raised knife.

sa nožem u ruci.

Imagine having a nightmare while you're awake.

Zamislite da imate noćnu moru u budnom stanju.

Often, speech and thinking become disorganized

Često govor i mišljenje postaju dezorganizovani

to the point of incoherence.

to tačke besmisla.

Loose associations involves putting together words

Nepovezane asocijacije uključuju spajanje reči

that may sound a lot alike but don't make sense,

koje možda zvuče slično, ali nemaju smisla

and if the words get jumbled up enough, it's called "word salad."

i ako se reči dovoljno pomešaju, to se naziva salatom od reči.

Contrary to what many people think, schizophrenia is not

Suprotno mišljenju mnogih, šizofrenija nije

the same as multiple personality disorder or split personality.

isto što i poremećaj višestruke ili podeljene ličnosti.

The schizophrenic mind is not split, but shattered.

Šizofreni um nije podeljen, nego rascepan.

Everyone has seen a street person,

Svi su videli beskućnika,

unkempt, probably ill-fed,

neurednog, verovatno neuhranjenog

standing outside of an office building muttering

kako stoji ispred neke zgrade i mrmlja

to himself or shouting.

za sebe ili viče.

This person is likely to have some form of schizophrenia.

Verovatno ta osoba ima neku vrstu šizofrenije.

But schizophrenia presents itself across a wide array

Ali šizofrenija se javlja kod osoba

of socioeconomic status, and there are people

svih socioekonomskih prilika, postoje ljudi

with the illness who are full-time professionals

sa bolešću koji su profesionalci

with major responsibilities.

sa ogromnim odgovornostima.

Several years ago, I decided

Pre nekoliko godina odlučila sam

to write down my experiences and my personal journey,

da zapišem svoja iskustva i lični put

and I want to share some more of that story with you today

i danas želim da deo te priče podelim sa vama

to convey the inside view.

kako bih prenela svoj pogled.

So the following episode happened the seventh week

Sledeća epizoda desila se sedme nedelje

of my first semester of my first year at Yale Law School.

mog prvog semestra, prve godine na studijama prava na Jejlu.

Quoting from my writings:

Citiram svoje beleške:

"My two classmates, Rebel and Val, and I had made the date

"Dvoje kolega, Rebel, Val i ja smo se dogovorili

to meet in the law school library on Friday night

da se nađemo u petak uveče u školskoj biblioteci

to work on our memo assignment together.

da radimo zajedno na zadatku.

But we didn't get far before I was talking in ways

Ali nismo daleko dogurali kad sam počela da govorim

that made no sense.

potpuno besmisleno.

'Memos are visitations,' I informed them.

"Zadaci su posete", obavestila sam ih.

'They make certain points. The point is on your head.

"Imaju određenu poentu. Ona je u našoj glavi.

Pat used to say that. Have you killed you anyone?'

Pat je to govorila. Da li ste nekoga ubili?"

Rebel and Val looked at me

Rebel i Val su me pogledali

as if they or I had been

kao da je neko prosuo

splashed in the face with cold water.

hladnu vodu na njihova ili moje lice.

'What are you talking about, Elyn?'

"O čemu to govoriš, Elin?"

'Oh, you know, the usual. Who's what, what's who,

"O, znate, o uobičajenom. Ko je šta, šta je ko,

heaven and hell. Let's go out on the roof.

o raju i paklu. Hajdemo na krov.

It's a flat surface. It's safe.'

To je ravna površina. Bezbedno je."

Rebel and Val followed

Oni su me pratili

and they asked what had gotten into me.

i pitali šta je ušlo u mene.

'This is the real me,' I announced,

"Ovo sam prava ja", objavila sam,

waving my arms above my head.

mašući rukama iznad glave.

And then, late on a Friday night, on the roof

A onda, kasno jednog petka na krovu

of the Yale Law School,

pravnog fakulteta na Jejlu,

I began to sing, and not quietly either.

počela sam da pevam i to ne tiho.

'Come to the Florida sunshine bush.

"Dođite do sunčanog grma Floride.

Do you want to dance?'

Da li želite da plešete?"

'Are you on drugs?' one asked. 'Are you high?'

"Jesi drogirana", pitali su me, "Jesi naduvana?"

'High? Me? No way, no drugs.

"Naduvana? Ja? Nema šanse, nema droga.

Come to the Florida sunshine bush,

Dođite do sunčanog grma Floride,

where there are lemons, where they make demons.'

gde ima limunova, gde su demoni."

'You're frightening me,' one of them said, and Rebel and Val

"Plašiš me", reče jedno od njih

headed back into the library.

i krenuše nazad u bibioteku.

I shrugged and followed them.

Slegla sam ramenima i pošla za njima.

Back inside, I asked my classmates if they were

Unutra, pitala sam kolege

having the same experience of words jumping around

da li i oni doživljavaju da reči skaču naokolo

our cases as I was.

po našim slučajevima kao i ja.

'I think someone's infiltrated my copies of the cases,' I said.

"Mislim da je neko ušao u kopije mojih slučajeva", rekla sam.

'We've got to case the joint.

"Moramo da učimo zglob.

I don't believe in joints, but

Ne verujem u zglobove,

they do hold your body together.'" --

ali oni drže vaše telo" --

It's an example of loose associations. --

to je primer nepovezanih asocijacija --

"Eventually I made my way back to my dorm room,

"Na kraju sam se nekako vratila do sobe

and once there, I couldn't settle down.

i tamo nisam mogla da se smirim.

My head was too full of noise,

Glava mi je bila puna buke,

too full of orange trees and law memos I could not write

prepuna narandžastog drveća i pravnih zadataka koje nisam

and mass murders I knew I would be responsible for.

mogla da napišem i masovnih ubistava za koja sam znala da ću biti odgovorna.

Sitting on my bed, I rocked back and forth,

Sedeći na krevetu, ljuljala sam se napred - nazad,

moaning in fear and isolation."

mumlajući u strahu i izolaciji."

This episode led to my first hospitalization in America.

Ova epizoda je dovela do moje prve hospitalizacije u Americi.

I had two earlier in England.

Prethodna dva puta bilo je u Engleskoj.

Continuing with the writings:

Nastavljam sa pisanjem:

"The next morning I went to my professor's office to ask

"Sledećeg jutra otišla sam do profesorove kancelarije da tražim

for an extension on the memo assignment,

produženje za zadatak,

and I began gibbering unintelligably

i počela sam nejasno da lupetam

as I had the night before,

kao i prethodne noći,

and he eventually brought me to the emergency room.

pa me je na kraju doveo do urgentnog centra.

Once there, someone I'll just call 'The Doctor'

Tamo, neko koga ću nazvati samo Doktor,

and his whole team of goons swooped down,

i ceo njegov tim gorila su se obrušili,

lifted me high into the air,

podigli me visoko u vazduh

and slammed me down on a metal bed

i bacili me na metalni krevet

with such force that I saw stars.

sa takvom silinom da sam videla zvezde.

Then they strapped my legs and arms to the metal bed

Onda su mi vezali noge i ruke za metalni krevet

with thick leather straps.

debelim kožnim kaiševima.

A sound came out of my mouth that I'd never heard before:

Iz mene je izašao zvuk kakav ranije nisam čula:

half groan, half scream,

pola vrisak, pola urlik,

barely human and pure terror.

jedva ljudski i čist užas.

Then the sound came again,

Onda se ponovio,

forced from somewhere deep inside my belly

iz dubine mog stomaka

and scraping my throat raw."

i cepajući mi grlo."

This incident resulted in my involuntary hospitalization.

Ovaj incident rezultirao je prisilnom hospitalizacijom.

One of the reasons the doctors gave for hospitalizing me

Jedan od razloga koji su doktori naveli

against my will was that I was

za prisilnu hospitalizaciju je da sam

"gravely disabled."

"smrtno onesposobljena."

To support this view, they wrote in my chart that I was unable

Da bi to podržali, u mom kartonu su napisali

to do my Yale Law School homework.

da sam nesposobna da radim domaće zadatke.

I wondered what that meant about much of the rest of New Haven.

Pitala sam se šta to znači za većinu ostatka Nju Hejvena.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

During the next year, I would

Tokom sledeće godine,

spend five months in a psychiatric hospital.

provela sam pet meseci u psihijatrijskoj bolnici.

At times, I spent up to 20 hours in mechanical restraints,

Ponekad bih provela i do 20 sati vezana,

arms tied, arms and legs tied down,

vezanih ruku, ruku i nogu vezanih,

arms and legs tied down with a net tied

ruku i nogu vezanih i sa mrežom

tightly across my chest.

vezanom tesno preko grudi.

I never struck anyone.

Nikada nisam udarila nikoga.

I never harmed anyone. I never made any direct threats.

Nikome nisam naudila. Nikada direktno pretila.

If you've never been restrained yourself, you may have

Ako nikada niste bili vezani,

a benign image of the experience.

možda imate benignu sliku tog iskustva.

There's nothing benign about it.

U tome nema ništa benigno.

Every week in the United States,

Procenjuje se da svake nedelje

it's been estimated that one to three people die in restraints.

u Sjedinjenim Državama jedna do tri osobe umre vezana.

They strangle, they aspirate their vomit,

Zadave se, udave sopstvenom povraćkom,

they suffocate, they have a heart attack.

uguše se, imaju srčani udar.

It's unclear whether using mechanical restraints

Nejasno je da li mehaničko sputavanje

is actually saving lives or costing lives.

u stvari čuva ili uništava živote.

While I was preparing to write my student note

Dok sam se pripremala da napišem studentski rad

for the Yale Law Journal on mechanical restraints,

o mehaničkom sputavanju,

I consulted an eminent law professor who was also

konsultovala sam eminentnog profesora prava koji je

a psychiatrist,

i psihijatar,

and said surely he would agree

i mislila da će se složiti

that restraints must be degrading,

da ono degradira,

painful and frightening.

da je bolno i zastrašujuće.

He looked at me in a knowing way, and said,

Pogledao me znalački i rekao:

"Elyn, you don't really understand:

"Elin, ne razumeš:

These people are psychotic.

ti ljudi su psihotični.

They're different from me and you.

Drugačiji su od tebe i mene.

They wouldn't experience restraints as we would."

Ne doživljavaju sputavanje kako bismo ti i ja doživeli."

I didn't have the courage to tell him in that moment that,

U tom trenutku nisam imala hrabrosti

no, we're not that different from him.

da mu kažem da nismo drugačiji od njega.

We don't like to be strapped down to a bed

Ne volimo da smo vezani za krevet

and left to suffer for hours any more than he would.

i ostavljeni da patimo satima, ništa više od njega.

In fact, until very recently,

U stvari, do skoro,

and I'm sure some people still hold it as a view,

a sigurna sam da i dalje neki dele to mišljenje,

that restraints help psychiatric patients feel safe.

sputavanje pomaže psihijatrijskim pacijentima da se osećaju bezbedno.

I've never met a psychiatric patient

Nikada nisam upoznala pacijenta

who agreed with that view.

koji se slaže sa tim.

Today, I'd like to say I'm very pro-psychiatry

Želim da kažem da sam danas veoma za psihijatriju,

but very anti-force.

ali veoma protiv sile.

I don't think force is effective as treatment, and I think

Mislim da sila nije efektan tretman i da je užasno koristiti je

using force is a terrible thing to do to another person

na drugoj osobi

with a terrible illness.

koja pati od užasne bolesti.

Eventually, I came to Los Angeles

Na kraju sam došla u Los Anđeles

to teach at the University of Southern California Law School.

da predajem da Pravnom fakultetu Južne Kalifornije.

For years, I had resisted medication,

Godinama sam odbijala terapiju

making many, many efforts to get off.

i naporno radila da je prekinem.

I felt that if I could manage without medication,

Osećala sam da, ako mogu bez lekova,

I could prove that, after all,

mogla bih da dokažem

I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.

da nisam zapravo mentalno bolesna i da je to bila neka užasna greška.

My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.

Moj moto je bio - manje lekova, manje štete.

My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me

Moj analitičar iz Los Anđelesa, dr Kaplan, me je nagovarao

just to stay on medication and get on with my life,

da ostanem na lekovima, da nastavim sa životom

but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.

ali odlučila sam da još jednom probam da prekinem.

Quoting from the text:

Citiram svoj tekst:

"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time

"Počela sam da smanjujem lekove, i za kratko vreme

I began feeling the effects.

počela da osećam efekte.

After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into

Po povratku sa puta iz Oksforda, umarširala sam

Kaplan's office, headed straight for the corner, crouched down,

u Kaplanovu kancelariju, pravo ka ćošku i srušila se,

covered my face, and began shaking.

pokrila lice i počela da se tresem.

All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.

Svuda okolo sam osećala zla bića sa bodežima.

They'd slice me up in thin slices

Isekli bi me na trake

or make me swallow hot coals.

ili terali da gutam vreo ugalj.

Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'

Kaplan je kasnije opisao da sam se tresla u agoniji.

Even in this state, what he accurately described as

Čak i u ovom stanju, koje je on tačno opisao

acutely and forwardly psychotic,

kao akutnu uznapredovalu šizofreniju,

I refused to take more medication.

odbila sam da uzmem još lekova.

The mission is not yet complete.

Misija još nije završena.

Immediately after the appointment with Kaplan,

Odmah posle susreta sa Kaplanom,

I went to see Dr. Marder, a schizophrenia expert

otišla sam da vidim dr Mardena, stručnjaka za šizofreniju

who was following me for medication side effects.

koji je pratio neželjene efekte mojih lekova.

He was under the impression that I had a mild psychotic illness.

Imao je utisak da patim od blaže psihotične bolesti.

Once in his office, I sat on his couch, folded over,

Jednom sam u njegovoj kancelariji sela na kauč, savila se

and began muttering.

i počela da mumlam.

'Head explosions and people trying to kill.

"Eksplozije u glavi i ljudi koji pokušavaju da ubiju.

Is it okay if I totally trash your office?'

Da li je u redu ako Vam potpuno uništim kancelariju?"

'You need to leave if you think you're going to do that,'

"Ako misliš da ćeš to da uradiš, moraš da odeš",

said Marder.

rekao je Marder.

'Okay. Small. Fire on ice. Tell them not to kill me.

"Okej. Mala. Vatra na ledu. Recite im da me ne ubiju.

Tell them not to kill me. What have I done wrong?

Recite im da me ne ubiju. Šta sam zgrešila?

Hundreds of thousands with thoughts, interdiction.'

Stotine hiljada, sa mislima, zabranama."

'Elyn, do you feel like you're

"Elin, da li osećaš

dangerous to yourself or others?

da si opasna po sebe ili druge?

I think you need to be in the hospital.

Mislim da moraš da budeš u bolnici.

I could get you admitted right away, and the whole thing

Mogu odmah da te smestim i sve može biti

could be very discrete.'

veoma diskretno."

'Ha, ha, ha.

"Ha, ha, ha.

You're offering to put me in hospitals?

Nudite da me stavite u bolnice?

Hospitals are bad, they're mad, they're sad.

One su loše, lude, tužne.

One must stay away. I'm God, or I used to be.'"

Mora se držati podalje. Ja sam bog, bila sam bog. ""

At that point in the text,

U tom delu teksta,

where I said "I'm God, or I used to be," my husband

kada kažem "Ja sam bog, bila sam bog", moj muž

made a marginal note.

je napravio belešku na margini.

He said, "Did you quit or were you fired?"

"Jesi dala otkaz ili su te otpustili?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"'I give life and I take it away.

"'Dajem život i oduzimam ga.

Forgive me, for I know not what I do.'

Oprosti mi, jer ne znam šta činim.'

Eventually, I broke down in front of friends, and

Na kraju sam se slomila pred prijateljima

everybody convinced me to take more medication.

i svi su me ubedili da uzmem još lekova.

I could no longer deny the truth,

Više nisam mogla da poričem istinu

and I could not change it.

i nisam mogla da je promenim.

The wall that kept me, Elyn, Professor Saks,

Zid koji je čuvao mene, profesorku Elin Saks,

separate from that insane woman hospitalized years past,

odvojenu od te lude žene godinama hospitalizovane,

lay smashed and in ruins."

ležao je u krhotinama."

Everything about this illness says I shouldn't be here,

Sve u vezi sa ovom bolešću govori da ne bi trebalo da budem ovde,

but I am. And I am, I think, for three reasons:

ali jesam. I to, misim, iz tri razloga:

First, I've had excellent treatment.

Prvi, imam odličnu terapiju.

Four- to five-day-a-week psychoanalytic psychotherapy

Četiri do pet puta nedeljno psihoanalitičku psihoterapiju

for decades and continuing, and excellent psychopharmacology.

i odlične lekove, koji traju decenijama.

Second, I have many close family members and friends who know me

Drugi, imam mnogo bliskih članova porodice i prijatelja koji poznaju

and know my illness.

mene i moju bolest.

These relationships have given my life a meaning

Te veze su životu dale smisao

and a depth, and they also helped me navigate

i dubinu i pomogle mi da upravljam životom

my life in the face of symptoms.

suočena sa simptomima.

Third, I work at an enormously supportive workplace

Treće, moje radno mesto, Pravni fakultet Univerziteta Južne Kalifornije

at USC Law School.

pruža izuzetnu podršku.

This is a place that not only accommodates my needs

Tu ne samo da su moje potrebe ispunjene

but actually embraces them.

nego su i prihvaćene.

It's also a very intellectually stimulating place,

To je i veoma intelektualno stimulativno mesto,

and occupying my mind with complex problems

koje okupira moj um složenim problemima

has been my best and most powerful and most reliable

i koje je moja najbolja, najmoćnija i najpouzdanija

defense against my mental illness.

odbrana od moje mentalne bolesti.

Even with all that — excellent treatment, wonderful family and

Čak i pored svega toga - odlične terapije, divne porodice

friends, supportive work environment —

i prijatelja, podrške na radnom mestu -

I did not make my illness public

nisam javno govorila o bolesti

until relatively late in life,

do relativno kasno u životu,

and that's because the stigma against mental illness

zbog toga što je stigma prema mentalnim bolestima

is so powerful that I didn't feel safe with people knowing.

toliko jaka, da se nisam osećala bezbedno da kažem ljudima.

If you hear nothing else today,

Ako danas ništa drugo ne upamtite,

please hear this: There are not "schizophrenics."

upamtite bar ovo: ne postoje "šizofreničari".

There are people with schizophrenia, and these people

To su ljudi sa šizofrenijom,

may be your spouse, they may be your child,

to je možda vaš suprug, dete,

they may be your neighbor, they may be your friend,

možda vaš komšija, prijatelj,

they may be your coworker.

saradnik sa posla.

So let me share some final thoughts.

Podeliću još nekoliko misli.

We need to invest more resources into research and treatment

Moramo da uložimo još sredstava u istraživanje

of mental illness.

i lečenje mentalnih bolesti.

The better we understand these illnesses, the better

Što ih bolje razumemo, obezbedićemo bolje terapije,

the treatments we can provide, and the better the treatments

a ako obezbedimo bolje terapije,

we can provide, the more we can offer people care,

možemo ponuditi ljudima više nege

and not have to use force.

i da ne koristimo silu.

Also, we must stop criminalizing mental illness.

Takođe moramo da prestanemo da kriminalizujemo mentalne bolesti.

It's a national tragedy and scandal that the L.A. County Jail

Nacionalna je tragedija i skandal da je Okružni zatvor u Los Anđelesu

is the biggest psychiatric facility in the United States.

najveća psihijatrijska ustanova u Sjedinjenim Državama.

American prisons and jails are filled with people who suffer

Američki zatvori prepuni su ljudi koji pate od teških mentalnih bolesti

from severe mental illness, and many of them are there

i mnogi od njih su tamo

because they never received adequate treatment.

jer nikada nisu imali adekvatnu terapiju.

I could have easily ended up there or on the streets myself.

I ja sam mogla da završim tamo ili na ulici.

A message to the entertainment industry and to the press:

Poruka industriji zabave i novinarima:

On the whole, you've done a wonderful job fighting stigma

ukupno gledano, odlično se borite protiv stigme

and prejudice of many kinds.

i mnogih predrasuda.

Please, continue to let us see characters in your movies,

Molim vas, nastavite da prikazujete likove u filmovima,

your plays, your columns,

dramama, kolumnama,

who suffer with severe mental illness.

koji pate od teških mentalih bolesti.

Portray them sympathetically,

Prikažite ih sa saosećanjem,

and portray them in all the richness and depth

u svoj dubini i bogatstvu

of their experience as people and not as diagnoses.

njihovog iskustva kao ljudi, ne kao dijagnoza.

Recently, a friend posed a question:

Nedavno me je jedan prijatelj upitao

If there were a pill I could take

da li bih uzela tabletu

that would instantly cure me, would I take it?

koja bi me odmah izlečila, da ona postoji.

The poet Rainer Maria Rilke

Pesniku Rajneru Mariji Rilke

was offered psychoanalysis.

ponuđena je psihoanaliza.

He declined, saying, "Don't take my devils away,

Odbio je, rečima: "Ne oduzimajte mi demone,

because my angels may flee too."

jer će možda i moji anđeli pobeći sa njima."

My psychosis, on the other hand,

S druge strane, moja psihoza je hodajuća noćna mora

is a waking nightmare in which my devils are so terrifying

u kojoj su moji demoni toliko užasni

that all my angels have already fled.

da su svi moji anđeli već pobegli.

So would I take the pill? In an instant.

Onda, da li bih uzela tabletu? Istog trenutka.

That said, I don't wish to be seen as regretting

Rekavši to, ne želim da ostavim utisak da žalim

the life I could have had if I'd not been mentally ill,

za životom koji sam mogla imati da nisam mentalno bolesna,

nor am I asking anyone for their pity.

niti tražim bilo čije sažaljenje.

What I rather wish to say is that the humanity we all share

Radije želim da kažem da je čovečanstvo koje delimo

is more important than the mental illness we may not.

važnije od mentalne bolesti koju možda ne delimo.

What those of us who suffer with mental illness want

Mi koji patimo od mentalne bolesti

is what everybody wants:

želimo ono što i svi:

in the words of Sigmund Freud, "to work and to love."

rečima Sigmunda Frojda, "da radimo i volimo".

Thank you. (Applause)

Hvala vam. (Aplauz)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind. (Applause)

Hvala vam. Hvala. Vrlo ste ljubazni. (Aplauz)

Thank you. (Applause)

Hvala. (Aplauz)