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00:00
Translator: Morton Bast
Reviewer: Thu-Huong Ha
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譯者: Jessie Lee
審譯者: Ya Hui Hung
00:16
So I'm a woman with chronic schizophrenia.
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我是一位患有慢性思覺失調症的女性。
00:18
I've spent hundreds of days
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我曾有數百天
00:19
in psychiatric hospitals.
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待在精神病院裡,
00:21
I might have ended up spending
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我即可能大半輩子
00:23
most of my life on the back ward of a hospital,
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會待在醫院的後病房裡,
00:24
but that isn't how my life turned out.
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但我的生活並沒有變成那樣。
00:27
In fact, I've managed to stay clear of hospitals
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事實上,我成功地避開醫院
00:30
for almost three decades,
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已將近三十年了,
00:32
perhaps my proudest accomplishment.
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這也許是我最自豪的成就。
00:34
That's not to say that I've remained clear
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這並不是說我已全然擺脫
00:36
of all psychiatric struggles.
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所有與精神病的困鬥。
00:37
After I graduated from the Yale Law School and
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我從耶魯法學院畢業後
00:40
got my first law job, my New Haven analyst, Dr. White,
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得到我的第一份法律工作,
我的紐哈芬分析師懷特博士
00:43
announced to me that he was going to close his practice
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告訴我他即將在三個月之內,
00:45
in three months, several years
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關閉他的事務所,
00:47
before I had planned to leave New Haven.
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這離我計畫離開紐哈芬早了幾年。
00:49
White had been enormously helpful to me,
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懷特博士給我莫大的幫助,
00:52
and the thought of his leaving
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想到他的離去,
00:53
shattered me.
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粉碎了我。
00:55
My best friend Steve,
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我最好的朋友史提夫
00:56
sensing that something was terribly wrong,
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察覺某事極不對勁,
00:58
flew out to New Haven to be with me.
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飛來紐哈芬陪我。
01:00
Now I'm going to quote from some of my writings:
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現在我要引用一些我寫的東西:
01:02
"I opened the door to my studio apartment.
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「我打開我公寓套房的門,
01:04
Steve would later tell me that,
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史提夫後來告訴我,
01:06
for all the times he had seen me psychotic, nothing
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在他所看過我發病的時候,
01:09
could have prepared him for what he saw that day.
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沒有一次能預備他那天所見的狀況。
01:11
For a week or more, I had barely eaten.
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約莫一個禮拜或更久,
我幾乎沒有進食。
01:14
I was gaunt. I walked
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我枯瘦憔悴,走路時
01:16
as though my legs were wooden.
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雙腿像木頭一樣,
01:18
My face looked and felt like a mask.
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我的臉看起來、
感覺起來都像一張面具。
01:21
I had closed all the curtains in the apartment, so
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我拉上公寓所有的窗簾,
01:24
in the middle of the day
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所以日正當中時
01:25
the apartment was in near total darkness.
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公寓裡幾乎是全然的黑暗。
01:27
The air was fetid, the room a shambles.
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空氣惡臭,房間一團亂。
01:30
Steve, both a lawyer and a psychologist, has treated
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史提夫是律師也是心理學家,
01:33
many patients with severe mental illness, and to this day
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曾治療許多患有精神重症的病患,
01:36
he'll say I was as bad as any he had ever seen.
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至今,他還是會說我是他看過最嚴重的。
01:39
'Hi,' I said, and then I returned to the couch,
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『嗨!』我說,然後回到長沙發上,
01:42
where I sat in silence for several moments.
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我坐在那裡不發一語好一陣子。
01:44
'Thank you for coming, Steve.
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『 謝謝你來,史提夫。
01:46
Crumbling world, word, voice.
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崩解的世界、文字、聲音。
01:50
Tell the clocks to stop.
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叫時鐘停頓。
01:52
Time is. Time has come.'
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時間是。時候到了。』
01:54
'White is leaving,' Steve said somberly.
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『 懷特要離開了 』,史提夫悶悶地說。
01:57
'I'm being pushed into a grave. The situation is grave,' I moan.
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我悲嘆:
『 我正被推進墳墓,這情況就如墳墓。』
02:00
'Gravity is pulling me down.
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『 重力把我拉下去,
02:02
I'm scared. Tell them to get away.'"
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我害怕,叫他們走開。』」
02:04
As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital
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年輕時,我曾因三個不同情況
02:08
on three different occasions for lengthy periods.
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在精神病院待了頗長的時間。
02:10
My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia,
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我的醫師診斷我患有慢性思覺失調症,
02:13
and gave me a prognosis of "grave."
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且預後嚴重。
02:16
That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care,
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也就是說:
我頂多是預計住在護理機構
02:19
and work at menial jobs.
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做一些卑微的工作。
02:21
Fortunately, I did not actually
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幸運地,我實際上
02:23
enact that grave prognosis.
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並沒有讓嚴重的病情發生。
02:24
Instead, I'm a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology
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取而代之的,我是法學、心理學
02:27
and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law,
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與精神病學首席教授,任職於南加大古爾德法學院。
02:30
I have many close friends
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我有很多親近的好朋友,
02:32
and I have a beloved husband, Will, who's here with us today.
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還有心愛的先生威爾,
他今天也在現場。
02:35
(Applause) Thank you.
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(掌聲)謝謝。
02:41
He's definitely the star of my show.
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他絕對是我生命中的要角。
02:45
I'd like to share with you how that happened, and also
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我想跟你們分享那歷程,
02:47
describe my experience of being psychotic.
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並且描述我患病的經歷。
02:50
I hasten to add that it's my experience,
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我先說,那是我個人的經歷,
02:53
because everyone becomes psychotic in his or her own way.
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因為每個人轉變成病患的狀況不同。
02:55
Let's start with the definition of schizophrenia.
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讓我們從思覺失調症的定義開始。
02:58
Schizophrenia is a brain disease.
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思覺失調症是一種腦部疾病
03:01
Its defining feature is psychosis, or being
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其決定性特徵是精神失常,
03:03
out of touch with reality.
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或與現實脫節。
03:05
Delusions and hallucinations
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妄想和幻覺,
03:06
are hallmarks of the illness.
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都是這疾病的特徵。
03:08
Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive
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妄想是牢固且不真實的信念,與證據不符,
03:11
to evidence, and hallucinations are false sensory experiences.
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而幻覺則是不真實的感知經驗。
03:15
For example, when I'm psychotic I often have
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舉例來說,當發病時
03:17
the delusion that I've killed hundreds of thousands
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我常妄想,我以意念
03:19
of people with my thoughts.
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已殺了數十萬人。
03:21
I sometimes have the idea that
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有時候我認為
03:22
nuclear explosions are about to be set off in my brain.
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核爆即將在我腦袋中引發。
03:25
Occasionally, I have hallucinations,
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偶爾,我有幻覺,
03:27
like one time I turned around and saw a man
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例如有次我回頭看到一個男人
03:29
with a raised knife.
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高舉著刀。
03:31
Imagine having a nightmare while you're awake.
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想像在你醒著時做惡夢,
03:33
Often, speech and thinking become disorganized
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通常,說話與思維變得雜亂無章
03:37
to the point of incoherence.
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到了語無倫次的程度。
03:38
Loose associations involves putting together words
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不確切的聯想包含
將聽起來很像的詞語組合起來,但並無意義。
03:41
that may sound a lot alike but don't make sense,
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03:44
and if the words get jumbled up enough, it's called "word salad."
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如果字詞夠紊亂,那稱為「語詞沙拉」。
03:46
Contrary to what many people think, schizophrenia is not
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思覺失調症並非許多人想的
03:51
the same as multiple personality disorder or split personality.
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多重人格或人格分裂,
03:54
The schizophrenic mind is not split, but shattered.
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病患的心智不是分裂的,
而是粉碎的。
03:58
Everyone has seen a street person,
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大家都見過街頭遊民,
04:00
unkempt, probably ill-fed,
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蓬頭垢面,可能營養不良,
04:02
standing outside of an office building muttering
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站在辦公大樓外
04:05
to himself or shouting.
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自言自語或大吼大叫,
04:07
This person is likely to have some form of schizophrenia.
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那人可能患有某種思覺失調症。
04:09
But schizophrenia presents itself across a wide array
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但思覺失調症患者
04:12
of socioeconomic status, and there are people
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存在各個社會經濟階層,
04:14
with the illness who are full-time professionals
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有些病患是全職、
04:17
with major responsibilities.
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擔負重要職責的專業人士。
04:19
Several years ago, I decided
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數年前,我決定
04:20
to write down my experiences and my personal journey,
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記錄下我的經驗和個人歷程,
04:24
and I want to share some more of that story with you today
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我今天想跟大家多分享一些故事
04:26
to convey the inside view.
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來傳遞病情的內觀。
04:28
So the following episode happened the seventh week
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接下來這段發生在耶魯法學院,
04:31
of my first semester of my first year at Yale Law School.
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我第一年、第一學期的第七週。
04:33
Quoting from my writings:
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引用我的札記:
04:36
"My two classmates, Rebel and Val, and I had made the date
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「我和兩位同學──瑞貝爾和薇爾相約,
04:39
to meet in the law school library on Friday night
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週五晚上到法學院圖書館碰面
04:42
to work on our memo assignment together.
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一起做我們的法律備忘錄作業,
04:44
But we didn't get far before I was talking in ways
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但我們有任何進展前,
04:46
that made no sense.
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我開始語無倫次。
04:48
'Memos are visitations,' I informed them.
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我告訴他們:『備忘錄就是訪視,
04:51
'They make certain points. The point is on your head.
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他們建立某些論點,
重點在你的腦袋,
04:53
Pat used to say that. Have you killed you anyone?'
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派特曾說過,你殺過人嗎?』
04:56
Rebel and Val looked at me
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瑞貝爾和薇爾盯著我
04:58
as if they or I had been
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就像他們或我
04:59
splashed in the face with cold water.
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臉上被潑了冷水,
05:01
'What are you talking about, Elyn?'
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『艾琳,妳在說什麼?』
05:03
'Oh, you know, the usual. Who's what, what's who,
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『噢,你知道,如常,
誰是什麼,什麼是誰,
05:06
heaven and hell. Let's go out on the roof.
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天堂、地獄。去屋頂吧,
05:08
It's a flat surface. It's safe.'
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那表面是平的、安全的。』
05:09
Rebel and Val followed
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瑞貝爾和薇爾跟著我
05:11
and they asked what had gotten into me.
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他們問我怎麼了,
05:12
'This is the real me,' I announced,
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我說:『這是真正的我』,
05:14
waving my arms above my head.
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我舉手過頭揮舞著。
05:16
And then, late on a Friday night, on the roof
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然後在週五的深夜,
05:19
of the Yale Law School,
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耶魯法學院的屋頂上,
05:20
I began to sing, and not quietly either.
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我開始大聲地唱歌,
05:22
'Come to the Florida sunshine bush.
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『來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢,
05:25
Do you want to dance?'
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你要跳舞嗎?』
05:26
'Are you on drugs?' one asked. 'Are you high?'
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有人問:
『妳嗑藥了嗎?在嗨嗎?』
05:29
'High? Me? No way, no drugs.
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『嗨?我?
不可能,沒嗑藥,
05:31
Come to the Florida sunshine bush,
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來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢,
05:34
where there are lemons, where they make demons.'
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那裡有檸檬,
他們在那裡製造魔鬼。』
05:37
'You're frightening me,' one of them said, and Rebel and Val
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其中一人說:『妳嚇到我了』,
05:40
headed back into the library.
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瑞貝爾和薇爾往圖書館去,
05:42
I shrugged and followed them.
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我聳聳肩,跟著他們。
05:44
Back inside, I asked my classmates if they were
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回到圖書館內,我問同學
05:47
having the same experience of words jumping around
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是否也見案件字跳來跳去,
05:49
our cases as I was.
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就像我一樣。
05:51
'I think someone's infiltrated my copies of the cases,' I said.
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『我認為有人潛入了我這份案件,
05:55
'We've got to case the joint.
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我們得把那關節裝箱,
05:56
I don't believe in joints, but
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我不相信關節,
05:58
they do hold your body together.'" --
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但他們確把身體連接起來。』
05:59
It's an example of loose associations. --
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這是一個散漫聯想的實例。
06:02
"Eventually I made my way back to my dorm room,
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「我終於回到宿舍房間,
06:04
and once there, I couldn't settle down.
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但我無法安穩下來,
06:06
My head was too full of noise,
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我的腦袋充滿了噪音,
06:08
too full of orange trees and law memos I could not write
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充滿了柳橙樹和
寫不出的法律備忘錄,
06:12
and mass murders I knew I would be responsible for.
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還有因我而有的大屠殺。
06:15
Sitting on my bed, I rocked back and forth,
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我坐在床上前後搖著,
06:18
moaning in fear and isolation."
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在恐懼和孤立裡呻吟。」
06:20
This episode led to my first hospitalization in America.
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這導致我第一次在美國住院治療,
06:23
I had two earlier in England.
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之前在英國有兩次。
06:25
Continuing with the writings:
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繼續我的札記:
06:27
"The next morning I went to my professor's office to ask
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「隔日早上我到教授辦公室
06:29
for an extension on the memo assignment,
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要求延繳備忘錄作業,
06:31
and I began gibbering unintelligably
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我開始語無倫次
06:33
as I had the night before,
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就像前晚一樣,
06:34
and he eventually brought me to the emergency room.
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最後他送我到急診室,
06:36
Once there, someone I'll just call 'The Doctor'
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到了那,有個人,
就稱他『那個醫生』
06:40
and his whole team of goons swooped down,
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與他整隊暴徒猛撲過來,
06:42
lifted me high into the air,
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把我高舉在空中,
06:43
and slammed me down on a metal bed
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重摔到金屬床上,
06:45
with such force that I saw stars.
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力量之大到讓我眼冒金星。
06:47
Then they strapped my legs and arms to the metal bed
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然後用厚厚的皮帶,
06:50
with thick leather straps.
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把我手腳綁在床上。
06:52
A sound came out of my mouth that I'd never heard before:
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嘴裡冒出我從未聽過的聲音,
06:55
half groan, half scream,
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半呻吟、半尖叫、
06:57
barely human and pure terror.
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幾乎沒人性、純粹的驚駭。
07:00
Then the sound came again,
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然後那聲音又來了,
07:02
forced from somewhere deep inside my belly
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從我腹腔深處強力湧上
07:04
and scraping my throat raw."
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刮得我喉嚨都破了。」
07:05
This incident resulted in my involuntary hospitalization.
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這導致我非自願的住院治療,
07:10
One of the reasons the doctors gave for hospitalizing me
176
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違我意住院,醫生的理由之一
07:13
against my will was that I was
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是因為我是「嚴重殘疾」。
07:15
"gravely disabled."
178
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1407
07:16
To support this view, they wrote in my chart that I was unable
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為了支持這說法,
我病歷上寫著
07:19
to do my Yale Law School homework.
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1792
無法完成耶魯法學院作業。
07:21
I wondered what that meant about much of the rest of New Haven.
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我不知這對大數紐哈芬人意味著什麼。
07:24
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
07:26
During the next year, I would
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後來的一年間,
07:28
spend five months in a psychiatric hospital.
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我在精神病院待了五個月。
07:30
At times, I spent up to 20 hours in mechanical restraints,
185
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3479
有時,被機械束縛多達 20 小時,
07:34
arms tied, arms and legs tied down,
186
454334
3490
手臂被綁著、
手和腿都被束縛,
07:37
arms and legs tied down with a net tied
187
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2519
被網子綁著手腳
07:40
tightly across my chest.
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在我胸前緊緊地交錯。
07:42
I never struck anyone.
189
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2047
我從未攻擊任何人,
07:44
I never harmed anyone. I never made any direct threats.
190
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2906
從未傷害任何人,從未直接威脅人,
07:47
If you've never been restrained yourself, you may have
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2774
若你未曾被綑綁過,
07:49
a benign image of the experience.
192
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2697
你對這經歷的想像
可能是良性的,
07:52
There's nothing benign about it.
193
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1975
這一點都不良性。
07:54
Every week in the United States,
194
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1785
在美國,
07:56
it's been estimated that one to three people die in restraints.
195
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2920
每週預期有 1-3 人死於束縛,
07:59
They strangle, they aspirate their vomit,
196
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2616
他們被勒著,
他們吐出嘔吐物,
08:01
they suffocate, they have a heart attack.
197
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2153
他們窒息,
他們心臟病發。
08:04
It's unclear whether using mechanical restraints
198
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2526
不明確的是,使用機械縛具
08:06
is actually saving lives or costing lives.
199
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實際上是救命還是害命。
08:09
While I was preparing to write my student note
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2794
當我正準備為耶魯法律期刊
08:11
for the Yale Law Journal on mechanical restraints,
201
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2200
撰寫有關機械縛具學生筆記,
08:14
I consulted an eminent law professor who was also
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2352
我詢問了一位著名法學教授,
08:16
a psychiatrist,
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1085
他也是一位精神科醫師,
08:17
and said surely he would agree
204
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1713
他說,他當然同意
08:19
that restraints must be degrading,
205
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2296
束縛一定是有辱人格、
08:21
painful and frightening.
206
501510
1536
痛苦且恐懼的。
08:23
He looked at me in a knowing way, and said,
207
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2111
他以理解的方式看著我說:
08:25
"Elyn, you don't really understand:
208
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2329
「艾琳,妳並不真的了解
08:27
These people are psychotic.
209
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1738
這些人精神失常,
08:29
They're different from me and you.
210
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1521
他們和你我不同,
08:30
They wouldn't experience restraints as we would."
211
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2764
他們對束縛的感受不同與我們。」
08:33
I didn't have the courage to tell him in that moment that,
212
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2834
當時我沒有勇氣告訴他,
08:36
no, we're not that different from him.
213
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2001
不,我們和他沒什麼不同,
08:38
We don't like to be strapped down to a bed
214
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2358
我們不比他喜歡被綁在床上
08:40
and left to suffer for hours any more than he would.
215
520702
2330
痛苦好幾個小時。
08:43
In fact, until very recently,
216
523032
2152
事實上,直到最近,
08:45
and I'm sure some people still hold it as a view,
217
525184
1982
我確信仍有些人抱持這看法,
08:47
that restraints help psychiatric patients feel safe.
218
527166
3032
束縛可讓精神病患感到安全。
08:50
I've never met a psychiatric patient
219
530198
2432
我從未遇過哪個精神病患
08:52
who agreed with that view.
220
532630
1394
會同意這個看法。
08:54
Today, I'd like to say I'm very pro-psychiatry
221
534024
2711
今天,我很贊成精神病治療
08:56
but very anti-force.
222
536735
1503
但我很反暴力。
08:58
I don't think force is effective as treatment, and I think
223
538238
2991
我不認為暴力是有效的療法,
09:01
using force is a terrible thing to do to another person
224
541229
2737
我認為對有可怕疾病的人
09:03
with a terrible illness.
225
543966
1359
施暴很糟糕。
09:05
Eventually, I came to Los Angeles
226
545325
2721
後來,我來到洛杉磯
09:08
to teach at the University of Southern California Law School.
227
548046
2498
南加大法學院教學。
09:10
For years, I had resisted medication,
228
550544
2320
我抗拒服藥數年,
09:12
making many, many efforts to get off.
229
552864
1990
花了許多許多的努力做到,
09:14
I felt that if I could manage without medication,
230
554854
2675
我覺得如果我可不吃藥來控制,
09:17
I could prove that, after all,
231
557529
2038
我最終可以證明
09:19
I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.
232
559567
2750
我不是真有精神病,
那是個可怕的錯誤。
09:22
My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.
233
562317
3307
我的座右銘是
少吃藥就少缺陷。
09:25
My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me
234
565624
3088
我洛杉磯的分析師卡普蘭博士
09:28
just to stay on medication and get on with my life,
235
568712
2500
力勸我持續服藥、享受生活,
09:31
but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.
236
571212
3475
但我決定再試最後一次戒藥。
09:34
Quoting from the text:
237
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1432
從文中引用:
09:36
"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time
238
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3640
「我開始減少用藥,在短時間內
09:39
I began feeling the effects.
239
579759
2112
我開始感受到效果,
09:41
After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into
240
581871
2841
牛津之行後,
我走進卡普蘭的辦公室,
09:44
Kaplan's office, headed straight for the corner, crouched down,
241
584712
3377
直接走到角落蜷伏下來,
09:48
covered my face, and began shaking.
242
588089
2233
掩面且開始顫抖,
09:50
All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.
243
590322
3155
感覺惡靈拿著匕首,圍繞著我,
09:53
They'd slice me up in thin slices
244
593477
2168
他們會把我削成薄片
09:55
or make me swallow hot coals.
245
595645
1642
或要我吞熱煤炭。
09:57
Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'
246
597287
3377
卡普蘭後來描述我
『痛苦地扭動』,
10:00
Even in this state, what he accurately described as
247
600664
3085
即使在這狀態下,
他準確描述了
10:03
acutely and forwardly psychotic,
248
603749
1691
急性且加重的精神失常。
10:05
I refused to take more medication.
249
605440
2013
我拒絕再吃更多的藥,
10:07
The mission is not yet complete.
250
607453
2800
這任務尚未達成。
10:10
Immediately after the appointment with Kaplan,
251
610253
2618
與卡普蘭會面後,
10:12
I went to see Dr. Marder, a schizophrenia expert
252
612871
2298
我去見思覺失調症專家馬德醫師,
10:15
who was following me for medication side effects.
253
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2308
他在追蹤我藥物的副作用,
10:17
He was under the impression that I had a mild psychotic illness.
254
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3021
他印象中我有輕微的精神失常。
10:20
Once in his office, I sat on his couch, folded over,
255
620498
3428
在他辦公室裡,
我折身坐在沙發上,
10:23
and began muttering.
256
623926
1639
開始喃喃自語:
10:25
'Head explosions and people trying to kill.
257
625565
2230
『頭爆炸了,人們想殺人。
10:27
Is it okay if I totally trash your office?'
258
627795
2465
我可以徹底毀了這辦公室嗎?』
10:30
'You need to leave if you think you're going to do that,'
259
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2632
馬德說:『如果妳想這樣,
10:32
said Marder.
260
632892
983
妳必須要離開。』
10:33
'Okay. Small. Fire on ice. Tell them not to kill me.
261
633875
3152
『好,小小,火在冰上,
告訴他們不要殺我,
10:37
Tell them not to kill me. What have I done wrong?
262
637027
1648
告訴他們不要殺我,
我做錯了什麼?
10:38
Hundreds of thousands with thoughts, interdiction.'
263
638675
2577
千百個想法,制止。』
10:41
'Elyn, do you feel like you're
264
641252
1735
『艾琳,妳覺得
10:42
dangerous to yourself or others?
265
642987
1497
妳對危害自己或他人嗎?
10:44
I think you need to be in the hospital.
266
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2415
我認為妳需要進醫院,
10:46
I could get you admitted right away, and the whole thing
267
646899
1857
我可以馬上幫妳辦入院,
10:48
could be very discrete.'
268
648756
1135
而整件事可以是很謹慎的。』
10:49
'Ha, ha, ha.
269
649891
1681
『哈,哈,哈,
10:51
You're offering to put me in hospitals?
270
651572
2337
你要讓我進醫院?
10:53
Hospitals are bad, they're mad, they're sad.
271
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2943
醫院不好,
他們是瘋狂的、悲哀的,
10:56
One must stay away. I'm God, or I used to be.'"
272
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3664
人們必須遠離,
我是上帝,或我曾經是。』
11:00
At that point in the text,
273
660516
1583
在文中此處,
11:02
where I said "I'm God, or I used to be," my husband
274
662099
1905
當我說:
『我是上帝,或我曾經是,』
11:04
made a marginal note.
275
664004
1025
我丈夫做了旁注,
11:05
He said, "Did you quit or were you fired?"
276
665029
1607
他寫說:
『妳辭職或是被解雇了?』
11:06
(Laughter)
277
666636
2231
(笑聲)
11:08
"'I give life and I take it away.
278
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3752
『我賜予生命又將其帶走,
11:12
Forgive me, for I know not what I do.'
279
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1697
原諒我,因我不知在做什麼。』」
11:14
Eventually, I broke down in front of friends, and
280
674316
3314
終於,我在朋友面前崩潰了,
11:17
everybody convinced me to take more medication.
281
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2508
每人都說服我多吃點藥,
11:20
I could no longer deny the truth,
282
680138
1946
我不能再抗拒這個事實
11:22
and I could not change it.
283
682084
1522
而且我無法改變它。
11:23
The wall that kept me, Elyn, Professor Saks,
284
683606
2649
那道隔離我,艾琳.薩克斯教授
11:26
separate from that insane woman hospitalized years past,
285
686255
3113
和曾是精神病院瘋女人的牆,
11:29
lay smashed and in ruins."
286
689368
2111
碎倒而成一片廢墟。」
11:31
Everything about this illness says I shouldn't be here,
287
691479
2673
這病情都表明我不該在這,
11:34
but I am. And I am, I think, for three reasons:
288
694152
2874
但我是在這,
我想,有三個原因:
11:37
First, I've had excellent treatment.
289
697026
2392
第一,
我接受了極佳的治療。
11:39
Four- to five-day-a-week psychoanalytic psychotherapy
290
699418
2946
數十年且持續中,
每週 4-5 天的
11:42
for decades and continuing, and excellent psychopharmacology.
291
702364
2984
精神分析心理治療,
和卓越的精神藥物。
11:45
Second, I have many close family members and friends who know me
292
705348
4044
第二,
我有許多了解我、知道我疾病的
11:49
and know my illness.
293
709392
1254
親近家人和朋友。
11:50
These relationships have given my life a meaning
294
710646
2324
這些關係給予我生命意義、
11:52
and a depth, and they also helped me navigate
295
712970
2167
深度,他們也幫助我
11:55
my life in the face of symptoms.
296
715137
1968
面臨症狀時指引我人生方向。
11:57
Third, I work at an enormously supportive workplace
297
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3168
第三,
南加大法學院的工作環境,
12:00
at USC Law School.
298
720273
1585
很具強大支持性。
12:01
This is a place that not only accommodates my needs
299
721858
3025
這裡不僅遷就我的需求,
12:04
but actually embraces them.
300
724883
1391
且事實上是接納了它們。
12:06
It's also a very intellectually stimulating place,
301
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3031
這也是個非常激發智力的地方,
12:09
and occupying my mind with complex problems
302
729305
2592
用複雜的問題占據我的心智,
12:11
has been my best and most powerful and most reliable
303
731897
3433
是對抗我的精神病
最佳、最有力
且最可靠的防禦。
12:15
defense against my mental illness.
304
735330
1720
12:17
Even with all that — excellent treatment, wonderful family and
305
737050
3303
即使如此,
優良的醫療、很棒的家人及朋友、
12:20
friends, supportive work environment —
306
740353
1916
支持的工作環境,
12:22
I did not make my illness public
307
742269
2333
我之前並沒有公開我的疾病
12:24
until relatively late in life,
308
744602
1433
直到較晚的時候,
12:26
and that's because the stigma against mental illness
309
746035
2519
因為精神病的污名如此強大,
12:28
is so powerful that I didn't feel safe with people knowing.
310
748554
2608
讓人知道使我感到不安全。
12:31
If you hear nothing else today,
311
751162
2416
如果你今天許多內容都沒聽進去,
12:33
please hear this: There are not "schizophrenics."
312
753578
3434
那請聽聽這個:沒有精神分裂的人,
12:37
There are people with schizophrenia, and these people
313
757012
3151
是人患有思覺失調症,
12:40
may be your spouse, they may be your child,
314
760163
2095
這些人可能是
你的配偶、你的孩子、
12:42
they may be your neighbor, they may be your friend,
315
762258
2424
你的鄰居、你的朋友、
12:44
they may be your coworker.
316
764682
1424
你的同事。
12:46
So let me share some final thoughts.
317
766106
2856
讓我分享一些最後的想法,
12:48
We need to invest more resources into research and treatment
318
768962
3432
我們在精神病的研究和治療上,
需要投注更多的資源。
12:52
of mental illness.
319
772394
1240
12:53
The better we understand these illnesses, the better
320
773634
2056
我們越了解這些疾病,
12:55
the treatments we can provide, and the better the treatments
321
775690
2208
我們越能提供更好的治療,
12:57
we can provide, the more we can offer people care,
322
777898
2440
提供越好的治療,
才能給予不施暴、更好的照護。
13:00
and not have to use force.
323
780338
1448
13:01
Also, we must stop criminalizing mental illness.
324
781786
2952
還有,必須停止精神病罪惡化,
13:04
It's a national tragedy and scandal that the L.A. County Jail
325
784738
4048
洛杉磯郡監獄是
美國最大的心理醫療機構,
13:08
is the biggest psychiatric facility in the United States.
326
788786
2642
全國的悲劇與恥辱。
13:11
American prisons and jails are filled with people who suffer
327
791428
3916
美國監獄和拘留所充滿著
受嚴重精神病折磨的人,
13:15
from severe mental illness, and many of them are there
328
795344
2484
13:17
because they never received adequate treatment.
329
797828
1977
多數人是因從未獲得妥適治療。
13:19
I could have easily ended up there or on the streets myself.
330
799805
3429
我也可能在那落腳或流落街頭。
13:23
A message to the entertainment industry and to the press:
331
803234
3224
一個給娛樂事業與媒體的訊息:
13:26
On the whole, you've done a wonderful job fighting stigma
332
806458
4064
整體上,
你們於多面的汙名和歧視對抗
13:30
and prejudice of many kinds.
333
810522
1816
做得很好。
13:32
Please, continue to let us see characters in your movies,
334
812338
3000
請繼續讓我們在你們的電影、
13:35
your plays, your columns,
335
815338
2128
戲劇、專欄裡看見
13:37
who suffer with severe mental illness.
336
817466
1824
受嚴重精神疾病折磨的人物。
13:39
Portray them sympathetically,
337
819290
1760
富同情心地描繪他們,
13:41
and portray them in all the richness and depth
338
821050
2639
將他們豐富有深度的經歷
13:43
of their experience as people and not as diagnoses.
339
823689
3527
如常人般描繪,而非病患。
13:47
Recently, a friend posed a question:
340
827216
2276
最近,一個朋友問:
13:49
If there were a pill I could take
341
829492
1775
如果有一種藥丸我可以服用,
13:51
that would instantly cure me, would I take it?
342
831267
1811
立即治癒我,我會吃嗎?
13:53
The poet Rainer Maria Rilke
343
833078
2693
詩人里爾克
13:55
was offered psychoanalysis.
344
835771
1472
被提供心理分析時,
13:57
He declined, saying, "Don't take my devils away,
345
837243
2312
他拒絕了,說:
「別帶走我的魔鬼,
13:59
because my angels may flee too."
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因我也可能失去我的天使。」
14:01
My psychosis, on the other hand,
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相反的,我的精神失常,
14:03
is a waking nightmare in which my devils are so terrifying
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是醒著的夢魘,有可怕的魔鬼
14:06
that all my angels have already fled.
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嚇走我的天使。
14:08
So would I take the pill? In an instant.
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我願意吃那藥丸嗎?
我會立刻吞下去。
14:12
That said, I don't wish to be seen as regretting
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雖說如此,我不希望被視為
14:14
the life I could have had if I'd not been mentally ill,
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因精神病而對生命感到遺憾,
14:17
nor am I asking anyone for their pity.
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也不渴求任何人的憐憫,
14:19
What I rather wish to say is that the humanity we all share
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我比較想說,共有的人性
14:22
is more important than the mental illness we may not.
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比不是人人共有的精神病更重要。
14:25
What those of us who suffer with mental illness want
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受精神病折磨之苦的人
14:27
is what everybody wants:
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要的和每個人一樣:
14:29
in the words of Sigmund Freud, "to work and to love."
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引用佛洛伊德:「去工作、去愛」
14:31
Thank you. (Applause)
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謝謝。(掌聲)
14:34
(Applause)
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(掌聲)
14:35
Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind. (Applause)
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謝謝,謝謝你們,你們真好。(掌聲)
14:40
Thank you. (Applause)
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謝謝。(掌聲)
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