A tale of mental illness | Elyn Saks

Translator: Morton Bast Reviewer: Thu-Huong Ha

Prevoditelj: Šeila MP Recezent: Lucija Jelić

So I'm a woman with chronic schizophrenia.

Dakle, ja sam žena s kroničnom shizofrenijom.

I've spent hundreds of days

Provela sam na stotine dana

in psychiatric hospitals.

u psihijatrijskim ustanovama.

I might have ended up spending

Mogla sam provesti većinu

most of my life on the back ward of a hospital,

svog života na bolničkom odjelu,

but that isn't how my life turned out.

ali to se nije dogodilo.

In fact, I've managed to stay clear of hospitals

Zapravo, uspješno izbjegavam boravak u bolnici,

for almost three decades,

već gotovo tri desetljeća,

perhaps my proudest accomplishment.

što mi je možda najveći životni uspjeh.

That's not to say that I've remained clear

No, to ne znači da sam uspjela izbjeći

of all psychiatric struggles.

sve psihijatrijske probleme.

After I graduated from the Yale Law School and

Nakon što sam diplomirala pravo na Yaleu i

got my first law job, my New Haven analyst, Dr. White,

zaposlila se po prvi put u struci, moj psihijatar iz New Havena, dr. White,

announced to me that he was going to close his practice

obavijestio me je da zatvara praksu

in three months, several years

za tri mjeseca, nekoliko godina

before I had planned to leave New Haven.

prije nego sam planirala napustiti New Haven.

White had been enormously helpful to me,

White mi je bio od velike pomoći

and the thought of his leaving

i pomisao na njegov odlazak,

shattered me.

dotukla me je.

My best friend Steve,

Moj najbolji prijatelj Steve

sensing that something was terribly wrong,

osjetio je da nešto nikako nije u redu

flew out to New Haven to be with me.

te je doletio u New Haven da bude samnom.

Now I'm going to quote from some of my writings:

Sada ću citirati neke od svojih zapisa:

"I opened the door to my studio apartment.

"Otvorila sam vrata svojeg stana.

Steve would later tell me that,

Steve mi je kasnije rekao da,

for all the times he had seen me psychotic, nothing

iako me često vidio u psihotičnom stanju,

could have prepared him for what he saw that day.

ništa ga nije moglo pripremiti za ono što je taj dan vidio.

For a week or more, I had barely eaten.

Tjedan dana, ili više, gotovo uopće nisam jela.

I was gaunt. I walked

Djelovala sam ispijeno.

as though my legs were wooden.

Hodala sam kao da su mi noge od olova.

My face looked and felt like a mask.

Moje lice izgledalo je i djelovalo kao maska.

I had closed all the curtains in the apartment, so

Navukla sam sve zastore u stanu

in the middle of the day

pa je, u pola bijela dana,

the apartment was in near total darkness.

stan bio gotovo u potpunosti zamračen.

The air was fetid, the room a shambles.

Zrak je bio ustajao, soba u kaosu.

Steve, both a lawyer and a psychologist, has treated

Steve, po struci odvjetnik i psiholog,

many patients with severe mental illness, and to this day

liječio je mnoge pacijente s ozbiljnim mentalnim bolestima

he'll say I was as bad as any he had ever seen.

i do današnjeg dana tvrdi da nije vidio nikoga u lošijem stanju.

'Hi,' I said, and then I returned to the couch,

"Bok", rekla sam, i onda sam se vratila na kauč,

where I sat in silence for several moments.

gdje sam sjedila neko vrijeme u tišini.

'Thank you for coming, Steve.

'Hvala što si došao, Steve.

Crumbling world, word, voice.

Svijet se ruši. Riječ. Glas.

Tell the clocks to stop.

Reci satovima da stanu.

Time is. Time has come.'

Vrijeme je. Došlo je vrijeme.'

'White is leaving,' Steve said somberly.

'White odlazi', rekao je Steve ozbiljno.

'I'm being pushed into a grave. The situation is grave,' I moan.

'Gurnuta sam u grob, situacija je ozbiljna', zavapila sam.

'Gravity is pulling me down.

'Gravitacija me vuče dolje.

I'm scared. Tell them to get away.'"

"Bojim se, reci im da nestanu.'"

As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital

U mladosti sam boravila u psihijatrijskoj bolnici

on three different occasions for lengthy periods.

u tri navrata, tijekom dužeg perioda.

My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia,

Liječnik mi je dijagnosticirao kroničnu shizofreniju

and gave me a prognosis of "grave."

i dao mi, citiram: "ozbiljnu i lošu prognozu".

That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care,

To znači da se, u najboljem slučaju, očekivalo se da ću živjeti u instituciji

and work at menial jobs.

i raditi jednostavne poslove.

Fortunately, I did not actually

Na sreću, ipak nisam

enact that grave prognosis.

ispunila tu užasnu prognozu.

Instead, I'm a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology

Umjesto toga, redovni sam profesor prava, psihologije

and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law,

i psihijatrije na USC Gould pravnom fakultetu.

I have many close friends

Imam mnogo bliskih prijatelja

and I have a beloved husband, Will, who's here with us today.

i voljenog supruga, Willa, koji je danas s nama.

(Applause) Thank you.

(Pljesak) Hvala.

He's definitely the star of my show.

On je definitivno zvijeda moje predstave.

I'd like to share with you how that happened, and also

Voljela bih s vama podijeliti kako je do toga došlo i

describe my experience of being psychotic.

opisati vam svoje psihotično iskustvo.

I hasten to add that it's my experience,

Naglašavam da je to moje osobno iskustvo

because everyone becomes psychotic in his or her own way.

jer svatko postaje psihotičan na svoj način.

Let's start with the definition of schizophrenia.

Za početak, definirajmo shizofreniju.

Schizophrenia is a brain disease.

Shizofrenija je bolest mozga.

Its defining feature is psychosis, or being

Njezina je glavna karakteristika psihoza,

out of touch with reality.

odnosno gubljenje doticaja sa stvarnošću.

Delusions and hallucinations

Deluzije i halucinacije

are hallmarks of the illness.

ključni su simptomi bolesti.

Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive

Deluzije su ukorijenjena lažna uvjerenja koja ne reagiraju na dokaze,

to evidence, and hallucinations are false sensory experiences.

a halucinacije su lažna osjetilna iskustva.

For example, when I'm psychotic I often have

Primjerice, kad sam psihotična, često imam deluzije

the delusion that I've killed hundreds of thousands

da sam ubila stotine tisuća ljudi

of people with my thoughts.

svojim mislima.

I sometimes have the idea that

Ponekad umišljam da će upravo sada

nuclear explosions are about to be set off in my brain.

doći do nuklearne eksplozije u mojoj glavi.

Occasionally, I have hallucinations,

Ponekad imam halucinacije, primjerice:

like one time I turned around and saw a man

jednom sam se okrenula i ugledala muškarca

with a raised knife.

s uzdignutim nožem.

Imagine having a nightmare while you're awake.

Zamislite da imate noćnu moru, dok ste budni.

Often, speech and thinking become disorganized

Govor i razmišljanje često postaju neorganizirani

to the point of incoherence.

do točke nepovezanosti.

Loose associations involves putting together words

Nepovezane asocijacije uključuju

that may sound a lot alike but don't make sense,

povezivanje riječi koje možda zvuče slično, ali nemaju smisla.

and if the words get jumbled up enough, it's called "word salad."

Kad se riječi dovoljno ispremiještaju, onda se to zove "salata od riječi".

Contrary to what many people think, schizophrenia is not

Suprotno mišljenju mnogih, shizofrenija nije

the same as multiple personality disorder or split personality.

isto što i višestruki poremećaj ličnosti, odnosno podjeljena ličnost.

The schizophrenic mind is not split, but shattered.

Shizofreni um nije podjeljen, nego rastrojen.

Everyone has seen a street person,

Svi su vidjeli beskućnika,

unkempt, probably ill-fed,

zapuštenog, vjerojatno i pothranjenog,

standing outside of an office building muttering

kako stoji pred nekom zgradom

to himself or shouting.

i mumlja sebi u bradu ili viče.

This person is likely to have some form of schizophrenia.

Ta osoba vjerojatno ima neki oblik shizofrenije.

But schizophrenia presents itself across a wide array

No, shizofrenija se ljavlja kod ljudi različitog

of socioeconomic status, and there are people

društveno ekonomskog statusa te ima ljudi

with the illness who are full-time professionals

s dijagnozom koji su zaposleni stručnjaci

with major responsibilities.

na odgovornim položajima.

Several years ago, I decided

Prije nekoliko godina odlučila sam

to write down my experiences and my personal journey,

zapisati svoja iskustva i svoje osobno putovanje

and I want to share some more of that story with you today

i želim danas s vama podijeliti dio te priče,

to convey the inside view.

kako biste to mogli razumjeti iz moje perspektive

So the following episode happened the seventh week

Sljedeći događaj zbio se u sedmom tjednu prvog semestra

of my first semester of my first year at Yale Law School.

na prvoj godini prava na Yaleu.

Quoting from my writings:

Citirat ću svoje zapise:

"My two classmates, Rebel and Val, and I had made the date

"Moje dvije kolegice Rebel i Val i ja smo dogovorile

to meet in the law school library on Friday night

da ćemo se naći u knjižnici na fakultetu u petak navečer

to work on our memo assignment together.

kako bismo zajedno radili na zadatku.

But we didn't get far before I was talking in ways

Ali, nismo daleko dogurali kad sam ja počela

that made no sense.

nesuvislo govoriti.

'Memos are visitations,' I informed them.

'Zadaci su posjete', objasnila sam im.

'They make certain points. The point is on your head.

'Oni imaju određeni smisao. Smisao je u tvojoj glavi.

Pat used to say that. Have you killed you anyone?'

To je Pat govorila. Jeste li vi koga ubile?'

Rebel and Val looked at me

Rebel i Val pogledale su me

as if they or I had been

kao da je jednu od nas

splashed in the face with cold water.

netko zalio hladnom vodom.

'What are you talking about, Elyn?'

'O čemu ti to govoriš, Elyn?'

'Oh, you know, the usual. Who's what, what's who,

'Ma znate, uobičajeno. Tko je što, što je tko,

heaven and hell. Let's go out on the roof.

raj i pakao. Idemo na krov.

It's a flat surface. It's safe.'

Krov je ravna površina, tamo je sigurno.'

Rebel and Val followed

Rebel i Val su me pratile

and they asked what had gotten into me.

pa me upitale što mi je.

'This is the real me,' I announced,

'Ovo sam prava ja.', objavila sam,

waving my arms above my head.

mašuči rukama iznad glave.

And then, late on a Friday night, on the roof

A zatim, u petak navečer,

of the Yale Law School,

na krovu pravnog fakulteta Yale,

I began to sing, and not quietly either.

počela sam pjevati i to ne baš tiho.

'Come to the Florida sunshine bush.

'Dođi do sunčanog grma na Floridu.

Do you want to dance?'

Jesi li za ples?'

'Are you on drugs?' one asked. 'Are you high?'

'Jesi li ti drogirana?' pitala je jedna. 'Jesi li se ušlagirala?'

'High? Me? No way, no drugs.

'Ušlagirala? Ja? Nema šanse, nema droge.

Come to the Florida sunshine bush,

Dođi do sunčanog grma na Floridu,

where there are lemons, where they make demons.'

gdje rastu limuni i nastaju demoni.'

'You're frightening me,' one of them said, and Rebel and Val

'Plašiš me.' rekla je jedna od njih.

headed back into the library.

Rebel i Val su se onda vratile u knjižnicu.

I shrugged and followed them.

Slegnula sam ramenima i slijedila ih.

Back inside, I asked my classmates if they were

Kad smo se vratile unutra, upitala sam kolegice

having the same experience of words jumping around

imaju li i one iskustvo da riječi skaču uokolo

our cases as I was.

po našim slučajevima, kao što sam ja imala.

'I think someone's infiltrated my copies of the cases,' I said.

'Mislim da je netko ušao u moje kopije slučaja.' rekla sam.

'We've got to case the joint.

'Moramo spojiti slučajeve u zglob.'

I don't believe in joints, but

Ne vjerujem u zglobove,

they do hold your body together.'" --

ali oni, ipak, drže tijelo skupa.'" --

It's an example of loose associations. --

To je primjer nepovezanih asocijacija. --

"Eventually I made my way back to my dorm room,

"Na kraju sam se nekako vratila do svoje sobe,

and once there, I couldn't settle down.

ali se tamo nisam mogla nikako smiriti.

My head was too full of noise,

U mojoj glavi bilo je previše buke,

too full of orange trees and law memos I could not write

previše narančinog drveća, pravnih dopisa koje neću napisati

and mass murders I knew I would be responsible for.

i masovnih ubojstava za koje sam znala da ću biti odgovorna.

Sitting on my bed, I rocked back and forth,

Sjedeći na krevetu ljuljala sam se naprijed-nazad

moaning in fear and isolation."

mumljajuću u strahu i izolaciji."

This episode led to my first hospitalization in America.

Ova epizoda dovela je do moje prve hospitalizacije u Americi.

I had two earlier in England.

Dvije prethodne bile su u Engleskoj.

Continuing with the writings:

Nastavit ću sa zapisima:

"The next morning I went to my professor's office to ask

"Sljedećeg jutra otišla sam do svog profesora da ga zamolim

for an extension on the memo assignment,

produljenje roka za zadatak

and I began gibbering unintelligably

te sam počelela nesuvislo brbljati

as I had the night before,

kao i prethodnu noć.

and he eventually brought me to the emergency room.

Na kraju me on odveo na hitnu.

Once there, someone I'll just call 'The Doctor'

Tamo su me, netko koga ću oslovljavati samo kao "Doktor"

and his whole team of goons swooped down,

i njegov cijeli tim gorila zgrabili,

lifted me high into the air,

podigli visoko u zrak

and slammed me down on a metal bed

i bacili na metalni bolnički krevet

with such force that I saw stars.

takvom silinom da sam vidjela sve zvijezde.

Then they strapped my legs and arms to the metal bed

Zatim su mi privezali noge i ruke za krevet,

with thick leather straps.

debelim kožnim remenjem.

A sound came out of my mouth that I'd never heard before:

Ispustila sam zvuk koji nikad prije nisam čula:

half groan, half scream,

napola jauk, napola krik,

barely human and pure terror.

gotovo neljudski, izraz čistog užasa.

Then the sound came again,

Zatim je zvuk ponovno izašao,

forced from somewhere deep inside my belly

negdje iz dubine moje utrobe,

and scraping my throat raw."

grebući moje grlo."

This incident resulted in my involuntary hospitalization.

Ovaj incident rezultirao je mojom prisilnom hospitalizacijom.

One of the reasons the doctors gave for hospitalizing me

Jedan od razloga koji su liječnici naveli u prilog hospitalizacije

against my will was that I was

protiv moje volje bio je taj da sam

"gravely disabled."

citiram: "ozbiljno onesposobljena".

To support this view, they wrote in my chart that I was unable

Kako bi to dokazali, u moj su karton naveli da nisam sposobna

to do my Yale Law School homework.

izvršavati svoje zadatke na Yaleu.

I wondered what that meant about much of the rest of New Haven.

Pitala sam se što to znači za ostatak New Havena.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

During the next year, I would

Tijekom sljedeće godine provela sam

spend five months in a psychiatric hospital.

ukupno pet mjeseci u psihijatrijskoj bolnici.

At times, I spent up to 20 hours in mechanical restraints,

Ponekad bih i po 20 sati dnevno bila sputana,

arms tied, arms and legs tied down,

svezanih ruku, udova privezanih zajedno,

arms and legs tied down with a net tied

sputanih ruku i nogu s mrežom čvrsto privezanom

tightly across my chest.

preko mojih grudi.

I never struck anyone.

Nikad nisam nikoga udarila.

I never harmed anyone. I never made any direct threats.

Nikad nisam nikome naudila, nikome izravno prijetila.

If you've never been restrained yourself, you may have

Ukoliko niste i sami bili vezani,

a benign image of the experience.

vjerojatno imate benignu sliku tog iskustva.

There's nothing benign about it.

U tome nema ništa benigno.

Every week in the United States,

Procjenjuje se da u Sjedinjenim Državama

it's been estimated that one to three people die in restraints.

svakog tjedna jedna do tri osobe umre sputana.

They strangle, they aspirate their vomit,

Zadave se, uguše u vlastitoj bljuvotini,

they suffocate, they have a heart attack.

uguše se ili dožive srčani udar.

It's unclear whether using mechanical restraints

Nije jasno da li sputavanje zapravo

is actually saving lives or costing lives.

spašava ili uzima živote.

While I was preparing to write my student note

Dok sam pripremala studentski rad

for the Yale Law Journal on mechanical restraints,

o sputavanju u medicinske svrhe za Yale Law Journal,

I consulted an eminent law professor who was also

konzultirala sam se s poznatim profesorom prava

a psychiatrist,

koji je također bio i psihijatar,

and said surely he would agree

misleći da će se on sigurno složiti

that restraints must be degrading,

da je vezanje ljudi ponižavajuće,

painful and frightening.

bolno i zastrašujuće.

He looked at me in a knowing way, and said,

Pogledao me znalački i rekao

"Elyn, you don't really understand:

"Elyn, ti to ne razumiješ.

These people are psychotic.

Ti su ljudi psihotični.

They're different from me and you.

Drugačiji su od tebe i mene.

They wouldn't experience restraints as we would."

Oni ne doživljavaju sputavanje kako bismo ga doživili ti i ja."

I didn't have the courage to tell him in that moment that,

U tom trenutku nisam smogla hrabrosti da mu kažem kako

no, we're not that different from him.

se baš i ne razlikujemo toliko od njega.

We don't like to be strapped down to a bed

Ne volimo biti privezani za krevet

and left to suffer for hours any more than he would.

i ostavljeni da patimo satima ništa više od njega.

In fact, until very recently,

Zapravo, do nedavno,

and I'm sure some people still hold it as a view,

a vjerujem da neki zastupaju to mišljenje i danas,

that restraints help psychiatric patients feel safe.

se vjerovalo da se psihijatrijski pacijenti osjećaju sigurnije ako su vezani.

I've never met a psychiatric patient

Nisam nikad upoznala psihijatrijskog pacijenta

who agreed with that view.

koji se slaže s time.

Today, I'd like to say I'm very pro-psychiatry

Danas želim reći da sam veliki pobornik psihijatrije,

but very anti-force.

ali i veliki protivnik uporabe sile.

I don't think force is effective as treatment, and I think

Smatram da uporaba sile nije učinkovit tretman

using force is a terrible thing to do to another person

i mislim da je upotreba sile nešto užasno što možete učiniti drugoj osobi,

with a terrible illness.

koja boluje od užasne bolesti.

Eventually, I came to Los Angeles

S vremenom sam došla u Los Angeles,

to teach at the University of Southern California Law School.

predavati na pravnom fakultetu sveučilišta Južne Kalifornije.

For years, I had resisted medication,

Godinama sam odbijala lijekove,

making many, many efforts to get off.

trudeći se iz sve snage da se skinem s njih.

I felt that if I could manage without medication,

Vjerovala sam da ću, ako uspijem živjeti bez lijekova,

I could prove that, after all,

moći dokazati kako, ipak, nisam psihički bolesna,

I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.

kako je to bila samo užasna pogreška.

My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.

Moj moto je bio: manje lijekova - manje bolestan.

My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me

Moj psihijatar ia L.A-a, dr. Kaplan, nagovarao me

just to stay on medication and get on with my life,

da samo nastavim piti lijekove i nastavim sa svojim životom,

but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.

no ja sam odlučila posljednji put probati prestati.

Quoting from the text:

Citiram svoj tekst:

"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time

"Počela sam smanjivati dozu

I began feeling the effects.

i ubrzo osjetila posljedice.

After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into

Po povrtka s puta u Oxford,

Kaplan's office, headed straight for the corner, crouched down,

uletila sam Kaplanovu ordinaciju, otišla ravno u kut, čučnula,

covered my face, and began shaking.

prekrila lice rukama i počela drhtati.

All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.

Osjećala sam kako me okružuju zla bića, naoružana bodežima.

They'd slice me up in thin slices

Narezali bi me na male komadiće

or make me swallow hot coals.

ili me natjerati da gutam vrući ugljen.

Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'

Kaplan je kasnije opisao kako sam se "grčila u agoniji".

Even in this state, what he accurately described as

Čak sam i u ovom stanju, koje je on opisao kao

acutely and forwardly psychotic,

akutnu uznapredovalu psihozu,

I refused to take more medication.

odbila sam uzimati više lijekova.

The mission is not yet complete.

Misija još nije završena.

Immediately after the appointment with Kaplan,

Odmah poslije sastanka s Kaplanom,

I went to see Dr. Marder, a schizophrenia expert

sastala sam se s dr. Marderom, stručnjakom za shizofreniju,

who was following me for medication side effects.

koji me je pratio zbog nuspojava lijekova.

He was under the impression that I had a mild psychotic illness.

Stekao je dojam kako ja imam blagu psihotičnu bolesti.

Once in his office, I sat on his couch, folded over,

Kad sam došla u njegovu ordinaciju, sjela sam na kauč, sklupčala se

and began muttering.

i počela mrmljati.

'Head explosions and people trying to kill.

"Eksplozije u glavi i ljudi koji pokušavaju ubiti.

Is it okay if I totally trash your office?'

"Je li u redu ako vam totalno uništim ured?"

'You need to leave if you think you're going to do that,'

"Ako misliš da ćeš to učiniti, moraš otići."

said Marder.

rekao je Marder.

'Okay. Small. Fire on ice. Tell them not to kill me.

"Dobro. Malo. Vatra na led. Recite im da me ne ubiju.

Tell them not to kill me. What have I done wrong?

Recite im da me ne ubiju. Što sam skrivila?

Hundreds of thousands with thoughts, interdiction.'

Stotine tisuća, s mislima, zabranama."

'Elyn, do you feel like you're

"Elyn, imaš li osjećaj da si

dangerous to yourself or others?

opasna za sebe ili druge?"

I think you need to be in the hospital.

"Mislim da bi trebala biti u bolnici."

I could get you admitted right away, and the whole thing

"Mogao bih srediti da te odmah prime

could be very discrete.'

i sve bi moglo biti vrlo diskretno."

'Ha, ha, ha.

"Ha, ha, ha."

You're offering to put me in hospitals?

"Nudite da me strpati u bolnicu?"

Hospitals are bad, they're mad, they're sad.

"Bolnice su loše, lude su, tužne su."

One must stay away. I'm God, or I used to be.'"

"Treba ih se kloniti. Ja sam Bog ili sam nekad bila."

At that point in the text,

Na tom mjestu u tekstu,

where I said "I'm God, or I used to be," my husband

gdje sam napisala da sam Bog ili sam to nekad bila,

made a marginal note.

moj muž je na marginu napisao:

He said, "Did you quit or were you fired?"

"Jesi li sama dala otkaz ili su te otpustili?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"'I give life and I take it away.

"Ja dajem život i ja ga oduzimam.

Forgive me, for I know not what I do.'

Oprosti mi jer ne znam što činim."

Eventually, I broke down in front of friends, and

Na kraju sam se slomila pred prijateljima i

everybody convinced me to take more medication.

svi su me uvjerili da ponovno počnem uzimati lijekove.

I could no longer deny the truth,

VIše nisam mogla poricati istinu

and I could not change it.

i nisam to mogla promijeniti.

The wall that kept me, Elyn, Professor Saks,

Zid koji je mene, Elyn, profesoricu Saks,

separate from that insane woman hospitalized years past,

odvajao od te lude žene, hospitalizirane u prošlosti,

lay smashed and in ruins."

bio je u potpunosti srušen.

Everything about this illness says I shouldn't be here,

Sve vezano za ovu bolest govori da ja ne bih trebala biti ovdje,

but I am. And I am, I think, for three reasons:

ali ja jesam. I to zbog tri razloga:

First, I've had excellent treatment.

Prvo, imam izvrsnu terapiju.

Four- to five-day-a-week psychoanalytic psychotherapy

Psihoanalitičku psihoterapiju četiri ili pet puta tjedno,

for decades and continuing, and excellent psychopharmacology.

na koju idem već desetljećima te izvrsne lijekove.

Second, I have many close family members and friends who know me

Drugo, imam mnogo bliskih prijatelja i članova obitelji koji poznaju mene

and know my illness.

i poznaju moju bolest.

These relationships have given my life a meaning

Ti odnosi daju mom životu smisao i dubinu

and a depth, and they also helped me navigate

te su mi pomogli upravljati životom

my life in the face of symptoms.

suočena sa simptomima.

Third, I work at an enormously supportive workplace

Treće, radim na izuzetno podržavajućem radnom mjestu

at USC Law School.

na USC Pravnom fakultetu.

This is a place that not only accommodates my needs

To mjesto ne samo da odgovara mojim potrebama,

but actually embraces them.

nego ih i prihvaća.

It's also a very intellectually stimulating place,

Također je vrlo intelektualno poticajnom okruženje,

and occupying my mind with complex problems

a okupirati moj um kompleksniim problemima,

has been my best and most powerful and most reliable

moja je najbolja, najsnažnija i najpouzdanija

defense against my mental illness.

obrana protiv moje mentalne bolesti.

Even with all that — excellent treatment, wonderful family and

I uz sve to - izvrsno liječenje, divnu obitelj i prijatelje,

friends, supportive work environment —

podršku na radnom mjestu -

I did not make my illness public

nisam otvoreno obznanila svoju bolest

until relatively late in life,

do relativno kasno u životu,

and that's because the stigma against mental illness

a to je zato što je stigma mentalne bolesto toliko snažna,

is so powerful that I didn't feel safe with people knowing.

da se nisam osjećala sigurno podijeliti to s ljudima.

If you hear nothing else today,

Ako danas ne naučite ništa drugo,

please hear this: There are not "schizophrenics."

zapamtite barem ovo: Ne postoje "shizofreničari".

There are people with schizophrenia, and these people

Postoje ljudi sa shizofrenijom.

may be your spouse, they may be your child,

A ti ljudi mogu biti

they may be your neighbor, they may be your friend,

vaš bračni partner, vaše dijete, susjed ili prijatelj,

they may be your coworker.

ili kolega s posla.

So let me share some final thoughts.

Podjelit ću s vama svoje zaključne misli.

We need to invest more resources into research and treatment

Moramo početi ulagati više sredstava

of mental illness.

u istraživanje i liječenje mentalnih bolesti.

The better we understand these illnesses, the better

Što bolje razumijemo ove bolesti,

the treatments we can provide, and the better the treatments

omogućit ćemo to bolje liječenje. A što bolje liječenje omogućimo

we can provide, the more we can offer people care,

moći ćemo ponuditi više podrške ljudima

and not have to use force.

i to bez upotrebe sile.

Also, we must stop criminalizing mental illness.

Isto tako, moramo prestati s kriminalizacijom mentalnih bolesti.

It's a national tragedy and scandal that the L.A. County Jail

Nacionalna je tragedija i skandal da je Okružni zatvor L.A.

is the biggest psychiatric facility in the United States.

istovremeno i najveća psihijatrijska institucija u Sjedinjenim Državama.

American prisons and jails are filled with people who suffer

Američki zatvori prepuni su ljudi koji pate od

from severe mental illness, and many of them are there

teških mentalnih bolesti, a mnogi su od njih tamo

because they never received adequate treatment.

jer nikad nisu adekvatno liječeni.

I could have easily ended up there or on the streets myself.

I sama sam lako mogla završiti tamo ili na ulici.

A message to the entertainment industry and to the press:

Medijima i industriji zabave bih željela poručiti sljedeće:

On the whole, you've done a wonderful job fighting stigma

Sve u svemu, napravili ste dobar posao

and prejudice of many kinds.

boreći se protiv stigme i predrasuda svih vrsta.

Please, continue to let us see characters in your movies,

Molim vas, nastavite prikazivati likove

your plays, your columns,

u svojim filmovima, predstavama, člancima

who suffer with severe mental illness.

koji boluju od teških mentalnih bolesti.

Portray them sympathetically,

Prikažite ih sa suosjećanjem,

and portray them in all the richness and depth

neka imaju bogatstvo i dubinu

of their experience as people and not as diagnoses.

iskustva kao ljudi, a ne kao dijagnoze.

Recently, a friend posed a question:

Nedavno me jedan prijatelj pitao

If there were a pill I could take

kad bi postojala tableta koju bih mogla uzeti

that would instantly cure me, would I take it?

i biti odmah izliječena, bih li je uzela?

The poet Rainer Maria Rilke

Kad su pjesniku Rainer Maria Rilkeu

was offered psychoanalysis.

ponudili psihoanalizu,

He declined, saying, "Don't take my devils away,

odbio je, rekavši "Ne uzimajte mi moje demone

because my angels may flee too."

jer bi s njima mogli pobjeći i anđeli."

My psychosis, on the other hand,

S druge strane, moja je psihoza

is a waking nightmare in which my devils are so terrifying

živa noćna mora, u kojoj su demoni toliko strašni

that all my angels have already fled.

da su svi moji anđeli već pobjegli.

So would I take the pill? In an instant.

Dakle, bih li uzela tabletu? Bez razmišljanja.

That said, I don't wish to be seen as regretting

Ipak, ne želim da mislite da žalim

the life I could have had if I'd not been mentally ill,

za životom kakav sam mogla imati da nisam bila mentalno bolesna

nor am I asking anyone for their pity.

niti tražim ičije sažaljenje.

What I rather wish to say is that the humanity we all share

Ono što želim poručiti jest da je ljudskost, koja nam se svima zajednička,

is more important than the mental illness we may not.

puno važnije od mentalne bolesti koja možda to nije.

What those of us who suffer with mental illness want

Mi koji bolujemo od mentalnih bolesti

is what everybody wants:

želimo isto što i svi ljudi:

in the words of Sigmund Freud, "to work and to love."

Riječima Sigmunda Freuda, "raditi i voljeti".

Thank you. (Applause)

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind. (Applause)

Hvala vam. Hvala. Jako ste ljubazni.

Thank you. (Applause)

Hvala. (Pljesak)