4 things all great listeners know

翻译人员: Jacky He 校对人员: Yip Yan Yeung

It's easy to tell when someone's not paying attention,

察觉到别人在走神是容易的，

but it can be surprisingly tricky to know what truly excellent listening looks like.

但真正优秀的倾听是难以具象化的。

Behavioral scientists have found that good listening

行为科学家发现，认真聆听是

is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships,

最有助于改善关系， 形成我们的世界观，

develop our worldview, and potentially even change people's minds.

甚至是改变他人想法的做法之一。

So, what can we do to become better listeners?

那么，我们怎样才能 成为更好的倾听者呢？

At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest

在面对面的交谈中，倾听的本质是

专注于对方的言谈， 让他们感到被人理解。

in another person and making them feel understood.

There’s no universally agreed upon definition of high-quality listening,

虽然没有关于 高质量聆听的公认定义，

but some recurring features include attentiveness, conveying understanding,

但这通常意味着 全神投入、表露同情

and showing a positive intention towards the speaker.

和对谈话者的积极看法。

This doesn’t mean you can simply go through the motions—

单单面部表情是不够的。

researchers have found that merely smiling and nodding

研究表明，隔一段时间 微笑、点点头作用不大。

at set intervals doesn’t quite work.

However, there is something slightly performative about listening

但倾听本身具有些许表演成分，

in that it’s important to show you’re doing it.

因为表现出你在听十分必要。

So, in addition to actively attending to a speaker’s words,

除了实时关注 发言人的言谈之外，

good listeners also use questions and body language

优秀的倾听者还会 通过提问与肢体语言，

that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand.

体现自己的同理心 以及想要理解发言的欲望。

This might feel awkward at first,

起初，这也许会让人觉得别扭，

and what’s most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker.

而最为有效的方法取决于 你与谈话者的关系。

But with time and practice you can internalize these basic behaviors.

但伴随着时间和练习， 你会习惯这类基础行为。

So let’s say a good friend wants to tell you about an issue

假设一位好朋友想告诉你

they’re having with their partner.

其与伴侣之间的矛盾。

Before even starting your conversation,

在谈话开始前，

remove any distractions in the environment.

去掉环境里的任何干扰因素。

Turn off the TV, take off your headphones and put your phone away— far away.

关掉电视、摘掉耳机， 把手机拿走——拿远点。

One study showed that even the visible presence of a phone

一项研究显示，手机处于可见的位置

made conversations feel less intimate and fulfilling to those involved.

会让参与者感觉谈话 缺少了些亲密感与满足感。

Once the conversation begins,

谈话一旦开始，

one of the most important things you can do is also the most obvious—

最重要以及自然的行为

try not to interrupt.

是尽量不要打断对方。

This doesn’t mean you need to stay completely silent.

这并不意味你得一声不吭。

But if you do interject, look for natural pauses

但插话应该在自然停顿时进行，

to ask open-ended questions that benefit the speaker,

问些开放性的， 有助于对方的问题，

而不只是出于自身兴趣。

not just your curiosity.

Questions like “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?”

例如“之后发生了什么？” “这使你感受如何？”

confirm that you’re following the story while also helping the speaker

体现你跟着故事线走， 并同时帮助对方

更深刻地去思索。

dive deeper into their own thoughts.

Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing

另一个表现你理解的方式

what you just heard and asking if you’ve missed anything.

是简述你听到的信息 并询问是否有遗漏。

Summaries like this show the speaker that you're truly trying to understand them

这样的小结告诉对方 你真的是在努力理解他们，

rather than just waiting for your turn to talk.

而不是干等着轮到你讲话。

Speaking of which, while a good conversation requires back and forth,

说到这点，虽然 好的交谈需要双方互动，

planning out your response while the speaker is talking

在对方讲话时考虑自己接下来的回答

is a common way to miss what’s being said.

是漏掉讲话内容的常见原因。

So try to stay present and if you lose focus,

请尽可能保持注意力集中， 如果走神了，

don't be shy about asking the speaker to repeat what you missed.

不要不好意思让对方 重复你错过的那点。

This might feel embarrassing,

这也许会挺难堪，

but asking for clarification actually shows that you’re committed

但请对方澄清其实体现出了

to understanding.

你在努力理解。

Finally, don’t be afraid of silence.

还有，不要害怕沉默。

It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response

寻求些时间来完善 你的回应是正常的，

and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well.

而暂停一下来思考也能 让对方回顾自身的讲话。

These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference.

这些改变也许看起来微不足道， 但共同作用下会产生巨变。

And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction,

而当人们的声音被听到， 他们会从人际关系中

trust, and connection in their relationships.

获得更多满足感、信任和亲近感。

In the workplace, employees who feel heard generally experience less burnout,

在职场，受人倾听的 员工更少会过载，

and perceive the managers who listened to them more favorably.

并会对细听他们说话的经理 印象更好。

Unfortunately, while it might be easy to listen to some people,

不幸的是，虽然倾听些许人挺容易，

it can be hard to muster all this focus and attention

但如果你与讲话者 存在分歧或讨厌他，

if you disagree with or dislike the speaker.

就很难保持注意力集中。

But these situations might actually benefit most from your efforts

在此类情况下，保持开放心态

to listen openly.

最有成效。

The theory of psychological reactance suggests that trying to force someone

心理抗拒理论表明， 强迫别人改变意见，

to change their mind makes them more likely to defend their point of view.

只会让他们更加坚定自己的观点。

However, recent studies suggest that high-quality listening fosters

最近研究表明，高质量的倾听行为

open-mindedness by creating a non-judgmental

能通过塑造一个非主观、 使人放松的环境，

and psychologically safe environment.

形成开放的氛围。

Of course, truly open-minded listening isn’t about changing people’s minds.

当然了，真正的开放式聆听 不是为了改变他人的想法；

Good listening is not the same as agreeing,

善于倾听并不等于接受、妥协。

and conversations don’t have to end with a happy resolution.

谈话也不是必须愉快地收尾。

But even during a disagreement,

但即使存在看法差异，

sometimes being heard is enough to start a deeper conversation.

被人听见也足以推动更深的交流。