Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar

翻译人员: Yumeng Guo 校对人员: Wendy Wu

When I was born,

我出生那会儿，

there was really only one book

只有一本书

about how to raise your children,

是讲述育儿经的，

and it was written by Dr. Spock.

它的作者是斯波克医生。 （译者注：屏幕上是《星际迷航》主角斯波克的照片）

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Thank you for indulging me.

谢谢大家配合。

I have always wanted to do that.

非常高兴看到你们的热情。

No, it was Benjamin Spock,

事实上是本杰明•斯波克，

and his book was called "The Common Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."

他的著作叫《斯波克育儿经》。

It sold almost 50 million copies by the time he died.

他离世时，该书已畅销接近5000万册。

Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,

如今，作为一名6岁孩子的母亲，

walk into Barnes and Noble,

我走进巴诺书店时，

and see this.

看到了这个书架。

And it is amazing

书架上形形色色书籍

the variety that one finds on those shelves.

多得令人惊讶。

There are guides to raising an eco-friendly kid,

有关于“环保地”养育小孩的，

a gluten-free kid,

有关于养育“无麸质”小孩的，

a disease-proof kid,

有关于养育“百病不侵”小孩的，

which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.

这些书，在我看来，让人感觉有些不自在。

There are guides to raising a bilingual kid

还有关于如何让孩子学会两种语言的书籍，

even if you only speak one language at home.

即使在家里你只会用一种语言跟孩子沟通。

There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid

有教你培养孩子金融思维的书，

and a science-minded kid

也有培养孩子科学头脑的书，

and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.

还有培养孩子成为瑜伽大师的书。

Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse

除了教小孩如何

a nuclear bomb,

拆除核弹，

there is pretty much a guide to everything.

其它似乎应有尽有。

All of these books are well-intentioned.

所有这些书籍可谓用心良苦。

I am sure that many of them are great.

我深信其中也有许多优秀作品。

But taken together, I am sorry,

但把它们整合起来的话，非常遗憾，

I do not see help

当我看着那一架子书时，

when I look at that shelf.

我看到的不是它们会为我带来什么帮助，

I see anxiety.

我看到的是焦虑。

I see a giant candy-colored monument

我看到了一座高耸的糖果色的碑，

to our collective panic,

集聚着整个社会的恐慌，

and it makes me want to know,

这不禁让我深思，

why is it that raising our children

为何养育子女

is associated with so much anguish

会有如此多的苦恼，

and so much confusion?

会如此让人困惑？

Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens

这可是一件人类

about the one thing human beings

薪火相传了上千年的事情，

have been doing successfully for millennia,

为何今天却让人摸不着头脑呢？

long before parenting message boards

那时，可没有育儿论坛，

and peer-reviewed studies came along?

也没有专家特地来研究。

Why is it that so many mothers and fathers

为何有这么多人

experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?

会把为人父母当作一种危机？

Crisis might seem like a strong word,

说是危机，看似言重了，

but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.

但有数据表明这么说并不为过。

There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,

事实上，1957年就有文章以此命名，

"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,

《视为人父母如危机来临》

and in the 50-plus years since,

在此后的50多年里，

there has been plenty of scholarship

诸多学术论文

documenting a pretty clear pattern

一五一十地反映了

of parental anguish.

父母的苦恼。

Parents experience more stress than non-parents.

有孩子的夫妇的压力要高于 那些没有孩子的夫妇，

Their marital satisfaction is lower.

前者对婚姻的满意度更低。

There have been a number of studies

有很多课题

looking at how parents feel

研究父母

when they are spending time with their kids,

与孩子共度时光时的感受，

and the answer often is, not so great.

而结论往往并不理想。

Last year, I spoke with a researcher

去年，我与专家马修•柯林沃斯

named Matthew Killingsworth

有过一次交谈，

who is doing a very, very imaginative project

他正在研究一个极富于想象力的

that tracks people's happiness,

追踪人们幸福感的项目，

and here is what he told me he found:

他与我分享了研究成果：

"Interacting with your friends

“与朋友来往获得的快乐

is better than interacting with your spouse,

高于与配偶来往获得的，

which is better than interacting with other relatives,

高于与其他亲属来往获得的，

which is better than interacting with acquaintances,

高于与点头之交来往获得的，

which is better than interacting with parents,

高于与父母来往获得的，

which is better than interacting with children.

高于与子女来往获得的，

Who are on par with strangers."

与子女来往的快乐跟与陌生人的差不多。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But here's the thing.

事实是这样的。

I have been looking at what underlies these data

我对这些数据的前因后果

for three years,

做了为期3年的研究，

and children are not the problem.

我发现问题不在于孩子，

Something about parenting right now at this moment

而是在于如今养育孩子的

is the problem.

理念和方法。

Specifically, I don't think we know

具体说来，我认为我们没有理解

what parenting is supposed to be.

育儿的真正意义。

Parent, as a verb,

“育儿”这个动词， （译者注：“parent”做名词是“父母”，动词是“育儿”）

only entered common usage in 1970.

在20世纪70年代才开始流行。

Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.

作为父母，我们的角色已经发生了变化。

The roles of our children have changed.

孩子们的角色也发生了变化。

We are all now furiously improvising

养育儿女，

our way through a situation

宛如一场即兴表演，

for which there is no script,

但这场表演没有剧本。

and if you're an amazing jazz musician,

如果你是一名响当当的爵士音乐家，

then improv is great,

即兴演奏也会很棒，

but for the rest of us,

但对普通大众而言，

it can kind of feel like a crisis.

说是危机也无可厚非。

So how did we get here?

我们为何会陷入这种状况？

How is it that we are all now navigating

没有指引，

a child-rearing universe

我们如何在育儿的浩瀚世界中

without any norms to guide us?

做到游刃有余？

Well, for starters, there has been

从头说起吧，育儿理念发生过

a major historical change.

一次历史性的转变。

Until fairly recently,

这个转变就发生不久，在这之前，

kids worked, on our farms primarily,

孩子自小就劳作，主要在农场，

but also in factories, mills, mines.

也在工厂、车间、矿山。

Kids were considered economic assets.

孩子被当作经济资产。

Sometime during the Progressive Era,

到了“进步时代”，

we put an end to this arrangement.

对孩子的这种看法终结了。

We recognized kids had rights,

我们认为小孩也有权力，

we banned child labor,

明令禁止雇佣童工，

we focused on education instead,

我们将他们的教育放在首位，

and school became a child's new work.

因而学习便成了孩子们的新任务。

And thank God it did.

幸好如此。

But that only made a parent's role

但是，这样会让父母更加

more confusing in a way.

迷茫于自己应该扮演的角色。

The old arrangement might not have been

曾经的观念也许

particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.

不太符合伦理道德，但它是互惠的。

We provided food, clothing, shelter,

我们提供给孩子衣、食、住，

and moral instruction to our kids,

以及基本的道德教育，

and they in return provided income.

他们则提供经济收入作为回报。

Once kids stopped working,

一旦孩子们不再自小就工作，

the economics of parenting changed.

从经济学角度来看， 育儿的理念便发生了变化。

Kids became, in the words of one

引用一位非常有天分

brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,

但又 “无情”的社会学家的话，

"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."

孩子“经济上一文不值，感情上珍贵无比”。

Rather than them working for us,

孩子们从此不为我们工作，

we began to work for them,

我们便要开始为他们张罗。

because within only a matter of decades

因为仅仅数十年一过，

it became clear:

事实已经浮现在眼前：

if we wanted our kids to succeed,

如果我们想让孩子成功，

school was not enough.

学校教育是不够的。

Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,

如今，各种课外活动成了孩子们的新功课，

but that's work for us too,

更是我们的新功课，

because we are the ones driving them to soccer practice.

因为正是我们把他们拉入足球训练场。

Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,

堆积如山的作业是孩子们的新任务。

but that's also work for us,

也是我们的任务，

because we have to check it.

因为我们得检查作业。

About three years ago, a Texas woman

大约3年前，一位德州女士

told something to me

向我倾吐了一些事情，

that totally broke my heart.

我听了后心都碎了。

She said, almost casually,

她不经意间地说到，

"Homework is the new dinner."

“家庭作业是第二顿晚餐。”

The middle class now pours all of its time

现在，中产阶级将所有的时间、

and energy and resources into its kids,

精力和资源完全投入在小孩身上，

even though the middle class

哪怕他们

has less and less of those things to give.

能够给予的东西越来越少。

Mothers now spend more time with their children

而今，母亲们陪在孩子身边的时间

than they did in 1965,

多于1965年，

when most women were not even in the workforce.

那时大多数女士还都是不用工作的。

It would probably be easier for parents

假如知道该为孩子准备些什么，

to do their new roles

父母们适应这个新的角色

if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.

或许会容易得多。

This is yet another thing that makes modern parenting

这也是现代育儿

so very confounding.

令人困惑的另一原因。

We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,

我们不知道究竟哪一种智慧， 如果有的话，

is of use to our kids.

适用于自己的孩子。

The world is changing so rapidly,

世界变化得如此日新月异，

it's impossible to say.

凡事难以预料。

This was true even when I was young.

我年轻的时候也是一样。

When I was a kid, high school specifically,

在我小的时候，特别是在高中时，

I was told that I would be at sea

有人告诉我要是不懂点日语的话，

in the new global economy

我将来会迷失在

if I did not know Japanese.

新的全球经济环境中。

And with all due respect to the Japanese,

但日语，恕我冒昧，

it didn't turn out that way.

并没有显现出如此重要的作用。

Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent

如今，又有一些中产阶级的父母，

that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,

他们痴迷于让小孩学习中文，

and maybe they're onto something,

也许，他们是预料到了什么事情，

but we cannot know for sure.

但没人能确定。

So, absent being able to anticipate the future,

既然我们无法预知未来，

what we all do, as good parents,

想当称职的父母的话，

is try and prepare our kids

我们就得尝试着为小孩准备一切，

for every possible kind of future,

来应对将来的不时之需，

hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.

希望总有一分努力会有用武之地。

We teach our kids chess,

我们教小孩下棋，

thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.

认为可以培养他们的问题分析能力。

We sign them up for team sports,

我们为他们报名参加团体运动，

thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,

认为可以培养他们的团队合作能力，

you know, for when they go to Harvard Business School.

你懂的，当他们去哈佛商学院 读书时就用到了。

We try and teach them to be financially savvy

我们试着将他们培养成一名富有金融思维、

and science-minded and eco-friendly

科学思维、生态友好

and gluten-free,

而且无麸质的小孩，

though now is probably a good time to tell you

那么，借此机会告诉大家，

that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.

小时候，我不是 生态友好或无麸质的孩子。

I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.

我吃了一罐又一罐的通心面和牛肉。

And you know what? I'm doing okay.

结果呢？一切正常。

I pay my taxes.

我纳税，

I hold down a steady job.

有稳定的工作。

I was even invited to speak at TED.

还被邀请来做TED演讲。

But the presumption now is that

但现在的前提是，

what was good enough for me, or for my folks for that matter,

对我和我那个时代的人而言 足够好的东西，

isn't good enough anymore.

如今已不再足够了。

So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,

所以，我们才一窝蜂地涌向那个书架，

because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,

因为我们觉得，凡事不尝试一番，

it's as if we're doing nothing

就相当于什么都没做，

and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.

就是没有履行对孩子应尽的义务。

So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles

所以我们就很难扮演好

as mothers and fathers.

今天的父母的角色。

Now add to this problem something else:

让问题更为复杂的是，

we are also navigating new roles

我们还扮演着

as husbands and wives

丈夫和妻子的新角色，

because most women today are in the workforce.

因为现在大多数女士们已进入职场。

This is another reason, I think,

我想，这可能是另一个

that parenthood feels like a crisis.

人们把做父母视如危机的原因。

We have no rules, no scripts, no norms

爸爸、妈妈忙于养家糊口，

for what to do when a child comes along

又没有标准、剧本、或指引，

now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.

小孩降生后可该怎么办。

The writer Michael Lewis once put this

作家迈克尔·刘易斯曾经

very, very well.

一语中的。

He said that the surest way

他说最能引起夫妻

for a couple to start fighting

争吵的方法，

is for them to go out to dinner with another couple

是与另一对夫妇共进晚餐，

whose division of labor

而且他们的职业行业

is ever so slightly different from theirs,

还与自己的略有不同。

because the conversation in the car on the way home

晚餐过后， 驱车回家途中的对话

goes something like this:

一般会是：

"So, did you catch that Dave is the one

“喂，难道你没有发现是大卫

who walks them to school every morning?"

每天早晨送小孩上学吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Without scripts telling us who does what

在这样一个崭新的社会，没有成文规定

in this brave new world, couples fight,

谁该做什么，夫妇便争吵起来了，

and both mothers and fathers each have

而且双方各自的抱怨都

their legitimate gripes.

合乎情理。

Mothers are much more likely

母亲在家时，

to be multi-tasking when they are at home,

往往承担多项家务，

and fathers, when they are at home,

而父亲在家时，

are much more likely to be mono-tasking.

同一时间做的事情通常是一件。

Find a guy at home, and odds are

随便看看哪户人家，有意思的是

he is doing just one thing at a time.

为父的每次只做一件事情。

In fact, UCLA recently did a study

事实上，加州大学洛杉矶分校

looking at the most common configuration

最近就中产阶级家庭里最常见的景象

of family members in middle-class homes.

做了一项调查。

Guess what it was?

猜猜结果如何？

Dad in a room by himself.

父亲独自一人在一个房间里。

According to the American Time Use Survey,

《美国人的时间安排调查》表明，

mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,

母亲在照顾小孩上花费的时间是父亲的两倍，

which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,

这一比例虽然低于艾尔玛•邦贝克的描述，

but I still think that something she wrote

但我认为这跟她写的一些东西

is highly relevant:

还是很相关的：

"I have not been alone in the bathroom since October."

“10月份以来，卫生间里就不再只有我一个人了。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.

但事实是：男士们的付出也不少。

They spend more time with their kids

他们陪伴孩子度过的时间

than their fathers ever spent with them.

多于父亲陪伴自己的时光。

They work more paid hours, on average,

他们的平均工作时间

than their wives,

要多于妻子，

and they genuinely want to be good,

而且他们不仅想要把工作做好，

involved dads.

在家也想做一个好父亲。

Today, it is fathers, not mothers,

如今，是父亲，而不是母亲，

who report the most work-life conflict.

更多地抱怨工作-生活失衡问题。

Either way, by the way,

不管怎样，顺便说一下，

if you think it's hard for traditional families

如果传统家庭适应这些

to sort out these new roles,

新角色都较难的话，

just imagine what it's like now

试想一下，

for non-traditional families:

非传统家庭将会怎样？

families with two dads, families with two moms,

两个父亲的家庭，两个母亲的家庭，

single-parent households.

单亲家庭。

They are truly improvising as they go.

他们真的是走一步，看一步。

Now, in a more progressive country,

如今，在一个制度更先进的国度，

and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché

不好意思，又提到老生常谈的问题了，

and invoking, yes, Sweden,

是的，要说到瑞典，

parents could rely on the state

在那里，父母可以依靠国家

for support.

的福利。

There are countries that acknowledge

很多国家已经认识到了

the anxieties and the changing roles

父母的担忧，以及他们

of mothers and fathers.

不断变化的角色。

Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,

不幸的是，美国不在其中，

so in case you were wondering what the U.S.

因此，如果要问美国

has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,

与巴布亚新几内亚和利比里亚有何共性的话，

it's this:

答案是：

We too have no paid maternity leave policy.

我们都没有带薪产假政策。

We are one of eight known countries that does not.

已知的奉行无薪产假的国家有8个， 我们赫然在列。

In this age of intense confusion,

在这样一个困惑丛生的年代，

there is just one goal upon which

只有一个目标

all parents can agree,

是所有父母一致同意的，

and that is whether they are

无论母亲是

tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,

虎妈还是嬉皮妈妈， 是直升机父母的还是无人机父母

our kids' happiness is paramount.

孩子们的幸福是首要的。

That is what it means

这也就是在一个把孩子看作

to raise kids in an age

“经济上一文不值，感情上珍贵无比”

when they are economically worthless

的时代里，

but emotionally priceless.

养育孩子的意义所在。

We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.

我们是孩子的自尊的守护者，

The one mantra no parent ever questions is,

有这样一句父母都不会质疑的祈祷，

"All I want is for my children to be happy."

“保佑我的子女们幸福快乐。”

And don't get me wrong:

不要误会我的意思：

I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.

我认为幸福对孩子们是一个再好不过的目标。

But it is a very elusive one.

但事情没这么简单。

Happiness and self-confidence,

让孩子幸福与自信，

teaching children that is not like teaching them

不同于教他们

how to plow a field.

如何犁地。

It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.

也不同于教他们如何去骑车。

There's no curriculum for it.

没有教程告诉我们如何实现它。

Happiness and self-confidence can be the byproducts of other things,

幸福与自信是随着其他事物而生的，

but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.

而不是作为一种目标，强加到他们身上。

A child's happiness

孩子的幸福，

is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.

让父母来承担是不公平。

And happiness is an even more unfair burden

但如果让孩子来承担的话，

to place on a kid.

更不公平。

And I have to tell you,

我必须要告诉你们，

I think it leads to some very strange excesses.

为了让孩子幸福，我们有时会反应过度。

We are now so anxious

我们现在总是急于

to protect our kids from the world's ugliness

让小孩远离社会上的是非之物，

that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."

甚至不让他们观看《芝麻街》。

I wish I could say I was kidding about this,

我希望我是在开玩笑，

but if you go out and you buy

但是，如果你去买几张

the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,

《芝麻街》最初几集的DVD光盘，

as I did out of nostalgia,

我之前是出于怀旧目的而买的。

you will find a warning at the beginning

你会发现片头的的警告语，

saying that the content is not suitable

提示说本片

for children.

少儿不宜。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Can I just repeat that?

是真的，

The content of the original "Sesame Street"

昔日的《芝麻街》

is not suitable for children.

居然是少儿不宜的节目。

When asked about this by The New York Times,

《纽约时报》就此事进行采访时，

a producer for the show gave a variety of explanations.

该节目的制片人给出了种种解释。

One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe

原因之一是饼干怪兽在剧中抽过烟斗，

in one skit and then swallowed it.

然后把烟斗吃掉了。

Bad modeling. I don't know.

是个负面形象。我不太明白。

But the thing that stuck with me

但是让我印象深刻的是，

is she said that she didn't know

她说她不知道Oscar the Grouch （译者注： 《芝麻街》中的形象）

whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today

放到今天是否能被创作，

because he was too depressive.

因为它性格太悲观了。

I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.

我简直无法形容这句话让我多伤心。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You are looking at a woman

你现在看到的是一位

who has a periodic table of the Muppets

将经典布偶主题的元素周期表

hanging from her cubicle wall.

挂在墙上的女士。

The offending muppet, right there.

这个心情不愉快的布偶，就在这儿。

That's my son the day he was born.

这是我儿子出生那天拍的照片。

I was high as a kite on morphine.

当注射吗啡后， 我感觉就像高高飞翔的风筝一样。

I had had an unexpected C-section.

我做了个意料之外的剖腹产手术。

But even in my opiate haze,

在还没有醒麻的时候，

I managed to have one very clear thought

我第一次抱着他，

the first time I held him.

就有了个清晰的想法。

I whispered it into his ear.

我靠近他耳边，

I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."

轻轻说，“我会非常努力地去做到不伤害你。”

It was the Hippocratic Oath,

这是希波克拉底的誓言，

and I didn't even know I was saying it.

我浑然不觉地说了这句话，

But it occurs to me now

但是现在，在我看来

that the Hippocratic Oath

这句誓言

is a much more realistic aim than happiness.

是比幸福更容易实现的一个目标。

In fact, as any parent will tell you,

事实上，每位父母们都知道，

it's awfully hard.

这是相当难的。

All of us have said or done hurtful things

我们都说过或做过一些让人伤心的事情，

that we wish to God we could take back.

我们恳请上帝让我们将其收回。

我想，未来有一天，

I think in another era

we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,

我们不再对自己的期望那么高，

and it is important that we all remember that

更重要是，我们都要提醒自己，

the next time we are staring with our hearts racing

当我们看着那些满满的书架时

at those bookshelves.

我们内心的匆忙。

I'm not really sure how to create new norms

虽然我确实不知道该如何去为世界

for this world,

制定新的标准，

but I do think that

但我确实认为，

in our desperate quest to create happy kids,

当我们竭力追求培养幸福快乐的小孩时，

we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.

我们或许承担着错误的思想负担。

It strikes me as a better goal,

我觉得更好的目标，

and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,

容我说，也是更有效的目标，

to focus on making productive kids

那就是注重培养富有创造力

and moral kids,

和品德高尚的孩子，

and to simply hope that happiness will come to them

然后只要祝福他们幸福，

by virtue of the good that they do

通过他们的德行善举、

and their accomplishments

他们的才能成就

and the love that they feel from us.

以及感受到我们对他们的爱。

That, anyway, is one response to having no script.

总之，这也是一种对现实的答复。

Absent having new scripts,

没有新的剧本，

we just follow the oldest ones in the book --

那么就沿用书中最古老的箴言吧——

decency, a work ethic, love —

保持礼貌，职业道德，爱——

and let happiness and self-esteem take care of themselves.

幸福与自尊将自然成长。

I think if we all did that,

我想如果我们都做到了这一点，

the kids would still be all right,

孩子们就会幸福成长，

and so would their parents,

父母也不用说了，

possibly in both cases even better.

可能对双方都更好。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）