Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar

譯者: Harry Chen 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

When I was born,

當我出生時，

there was really only one book

真的就只有一本書，

about how to raise your children,

是有關如何扶養孩子，

and it was written by Dr. Spock.

那是史巴克博士寫的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you for indulging me.

謝謝你們這麼配合我！

I have always wanted to do that.

我一直以來都想這麼做的。

No, it was Benjamin Spock,

不是啦，是班傑明．史巴克！

and his book was called "The Common Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."

他的書叫做「嬰幼兒保健常識書」，

It sold almost 50 million copies by the time he died.

直到他死掉為止 那賣了快 5,000 萬本。

Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,

今天我身為一個 6 歲小孩的母親，

walk into Barnes and Noble,

走進「邦諾書店」，

and see this.

看到了這些！

And it is amazing

讓人驚嘆的是

the variety that one finds on those shelves.

可從這些書架上 找到種類這麼豐富的書。

There are guides to raising an eco-friendly kid,

有指導如何撫養不損害環境的小孩、

a gluten-free kid,

無麩質飲食養育法、

a disease-proof kid,

怎麼養出不生病的小孩等等，

which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.

我個人是覺得 不生病的小孩有點嚇人。

There are guides to raising a bilingual kid

還有如何扶養會講雙語的小孩，

even if you only speak one language at home.

即使家裡只有單語環境。

There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid

還有怎麼教出財務小神童、

and a science-minded kid

有科學頭腦的小孩、

and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.

小孩是瑜珈高手的書。

Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse

除了教小孩

a nuclear bomb,

拆解原子彈的指導書以外，

there is pretty much a guide to everything.

基本上每一件事都有指南可以參考。

All of these books are well-intentioned.

所有這些書都是好意的，

I am sure that many of them are great.

我相信大多數是很棒的，

But taken together, I am sorry,

但擺在一起時，我就很抱歉了，

I do not see help

因為我找不到有用的，

when I look at that shelf.

就當我看著那個書架，

I see anxiety.

我看到了不安、

I see a giant candy-colored monument

我看到了糖果顏色般繽紛的巨大名勝，

to our collective panic,

對應於我們集結出的恐慌。

and it makes me want to know,

這讓我想要知道：

why is it that raising our children

「為什麼撫育孩子

is associated with so much anguish

是這麼痛苦，

and so much confusion?

以及這麼多困惑？」

Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens

為什麼我們會是七上八下的？

about the one thing human beings

這件事我們人類

have been doing successfully for millennia,

已經成功做了上千年，

long before parenting message boards

且早在「育兒訊息留言板」、

and peer-reviewed studies came along?

還有「同儕檢討學習」的出現以前。

Why is it that so many mothers and fathers

為什麼這麼多父母們

experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?

體認當父母就像一場災難？

Crisis might seem like a strong word,

「災難」看起來像是一個激烈的字詞，

but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.

但是有資料指出用「災難」不會激烈。

There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,

實際上曾經有論文就是用這來命名──

"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,

1957 年發表的「當父母就像場災難」。

and in the 50-plus years since,

而且從那之後的 50 多年裡，

there has been plenty of scholarship

有很多的學術研究

documenting a pretty clear pattern

記載父母苦悶

of parental anguish.

的一個非常清楚的圖像。

Parents experience more stress than non-parents.

父母們比非父母者 承受更多壓力，

Their marital satisfaction is lower.

他們對婚姻的滿足感較低。

There have been a number of studies

有很多的研究

looking at how parents feel

探討父母親們

when they are spending time with their kids,

花時間陪小孩時的感受是怎樣的。

and the answer often is, not so great.

答案經常不是太棒的。

Last year, I spoke with a researcher

去年我跟一位研究者 馬修．奇林史渥茲聊過，

named Matthew Killingsworth

who is doing a very, very imaginative project

他正在做一個非常獨創的研究專案，

that tracks people's happiness,

要追蹤紀錄人們的快樂。

and here is what he told me he found:

他告訴我，他發現：

"Interacting with your friends

「與你的朋友們互動

is better than interacting with your spouse,

比與你的配偶互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with other relatives,

前者又比與親戚們互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with acquaintances,

前者又比與點頭之交們互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with parents,

前者又比與父母親互動更快樂，

which is better than interacting with children.

前者又比與小孩們互動更快樂，

Who are on par with strangers."

小孩們就跟陌生人沒兩樣。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But here's the thing.

不過重點來了，

I have been looking at what underlies these data

三年來我一直在探討

for three years,

構成這些資料的東西，

and children are not the problem.

小孩子並不是問題，

Something about parenting right now at this moment

當下有關當父母的一些事情

is the problem.

才是問題。

Specifically, I don't think we know

特別是我不認為我們懂

what parenting is supposed to be.

當父母應該是怎樣一回事，

Parent, as a verb,

「當父母」做為一個動詞，

only entered common usage in 1970.

到 1970 年之後才普遍使用，

Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.

我們身為父母親的角色已經變了，

The roles of our children have changed.

我們小孩子的角色也已經改變了，

We are all now furiously improvising

現在我們大家拼命地即興演出

our way through a situation

度過一種狀況，

for which there is no script,

那就是沒有劇本的狀況。

and if you're an amazing jazz musician,

假如你是一個非常傑出的爵士樂手，

then improv is great,

那麼即興演出是很棒的，

but for the rest of us,

不過對我們其他人來說，

it can kind of feel like a crisis.

這有種像是一場災難的感覺。

So how did we get here?

那麼我們怎麼會變成這樣呢？

How is it that we are all now navigating

我們大家現在是如何

a child-rearing universe

在一個養育小孩的世界中， 找出我們的方向？

without any norms to guide us?

而沒有任何準則可以指引我們。

Well, for starters, there has been

好！首先，

a major historical change.

發生過一個重大的歷史性改變，

Until fairly recently,

直到不久前，

kids worked, on our farms primarily,

孩子們以前是要工作的， 主要是在我們的農場裡，

but also in factories, mills, mines.

但是也有小孩在工廠、磨坊、 還有礦場等地工作，

Kids were considered economic assets.

孩子們被認為是經濟上的資產，

Sometime during the Progressive Era,

在「進步時期」的某個時點， （美國 1890-1920 政治及社會改革階段）

we put an end to this arrangement.

我們禁止了這樣的做法，

We recognized kids had rights,

我們承認孩子們有權力，

we banned child labor,

我們禁止使用童工、

we focused on education instead,

我們用教育來取代工作，

and school became a child's new work.

學校成為孩子們的新工作，

And thank God it did.

感謝上帝這做到了！

But that only made a parent's role

不過那只有讓父母親的角色

more confusing in a way.

更令人難懂。

The old arrangement might not have been

舊的做法可能不是高道德的，

particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.

不過卻是互惠的。

We provided food, clothing, shelter,

我們供應孩子食物、衣服、居所、

and moral instruction to our kids,

還有品性教導，

and they in return provided income.

他們提供收入來償還。

Once kids stopped working,

一旦孩童們停止工作，

the economics of parenting changed.

養育小孩的經濟性就改變了。

Kids became, in the words of one

孩童們變成了，

brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,

以一個聰明、或許可說是無情的 社會學家的話來說：

"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."

「經濟上毫無價值， 但是情感上是無價的！」

Rather than them working for us,

不再是他們為我們工作，

we began to work for them,

反而是我們開始為他們工作。

because within only a matter of decades

因為在幾十年下來，

it became clear:

這變得很清楚－－

if we wanted our kids to succeed,

「如果我們想要自己的孩子成功，

school was not enough.

只有學校是不夠的。」

Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,

今天，課外活動是小孩們的新工作，

but that's work for us too,

不過那也是我們的工作，

because we are the ones driving them to soccer practice.

因為我們就是 載他們去踢足球的人。

Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,

成堆的家庭作業是孩子們的新工作，

but that's also work for us,

不過那也是給我們的工作，

because we have to check it.

因為我們必須檢查它。

About three years ago, a Texas woman

大約在三年前，一位德州的女士

told something to me

跟我說過一些話，

that totally broke my heart.

那徹底地讓我心痛，

She said, almost casually,

她用一種稀鬆平常的語氣說，

"Homework is the new dinner."

「家庭作業是新的晚餐。」

The middle class now pours all of its time

現在中產階級們 投注他們所有的時間、

and energy and resources into its kids,

精力以及資源給他們的小孩，

even though the middle class

儘管中產階級者們

has less and less of those things to give.

已經越來越少有那些東西能給了。

Mothers now spend more time with their children

現在媽媽們花較多的時間陪小孩，

than they did in 1965,

比起在 1965 年時所花的更多，

when most women were not even in the workforce.

那時後大部分的婦女根本也不用工作。

It would probably be easier for parents

讓父母親們去做好他們的新角色 可能會比較簡單，

to do their new roles

if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.

要是他們知道為小孩們 做的準備是為了什麼。

This is yet another thing that makes modern parenting

這就是另外一件

讓現代當父母這麼令人困惑的事。

so very confounding.

We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,

我們完全不曉得 我們哪一部分的智慧

is of use to our kids.

對小孩來說是有用的。

The world is changing so rapidly,

這世界如此迅速地改變，

it's impossible to say.

一切都很難說。

This was true even when I was young.

這是真的，即使當我還年輕的時候，

When I was a kid, high school specifically,

當我是小孩子時， 明確地說是在高中時，

I was told that I would be at sea

我被告知

我會困在新的世界經濟大海中，

in the new global economy

if I did not know Japanese.

除非我懂日文。

And with all due respect to the Japanese,

無意冒犯日本人，

it didn't turn out that way.

但結果並不是這樣的。

Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent

現在有一類中產階級的父母，

that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,

堅持要他們的小孩學中文，

and maybe they're onto something,

也許他們是照著趨勢，

but we cannot know for sure.

但是我們沒有人能百分百確定。

So, absent being able to anticipate the future,

因為沒有能力能預測未來，

what we all do, as good parents,

身為好爸媽的我們都在做的事，

is try and prepare our kids

是盡力為我們的小孩準備好

for every possible kind of future,

應付每一種可能的未來，

hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.

希望我們多項的付出中， 只要一項能夠成功就好。

We teach our kids chess,

我們教我們的小孩下棋，

thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.

想說他們有可能會用到分析的技能、

We sign them up for team sports,

我們幫他們報名了團隊運動，

thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,

想說他們有可能會要用到 與人合作的能力，

you know, for when they go to Harvard Business School.

或許有天他們念哈佛商學院時 會派上用場，

We try and teach them to be financially savvy

我們試圖教導他們 成為財務上很精明的、

and science-minded and eco-friendly

有科學的頭腦、不損害環境的、

and gluten-free,

不吃麥麩的。

though now is probably a good time to tell you

現在很可能就是一個 好的時間點來告訴你們，

that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.

我小時候既不是不損害環境的、 也不是不吃麥麩的小孩，

I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.

我吃過好幾罐的牛肉通心粉。

And you know what? I'm doing okay.

而且你們知道嗎？ 我這麼做也沒事。

I pay my taxes.

我繳稅 、

I hold down a steady job.

我有一份穩定的工作 、

I was even invited to speak at TED.

我甚至還被邀請來了 TED演說 !

But the presumption now is that

不過現在的假定是，

what was good enough for me, or for my folks for that matter,

以前對我或周邊朋友來說是足夠的，

isn't good enough anymore.

現在不再是夠好的了。

So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,

所以我們全都瘋狂飛奔到書架前，

because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,

因為我們覺得如果 沒有試遍每一件事，

it's as if we're doing nothing

那會像是我們什麼事都沒做，

and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.

好像我們沒盡到教養小孩的責任。

So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles

所以真的很難去找出我們 新角色的方向－

as mothers and fathers.

身為母親還有父親。

Now add to this problem something else:

現在還更增加了其他問題，

we are also navigating new roles

我們也正在找新角色的方向－

as husbands and wives

身為丈夫還有妻子。

because most women today are in the workforce.

因為現今大部分的女人都在職場上，

This is another reason, I think,

我認為這是另一個原因，

that parenthood feels like a crisis.

讓當父母親感覺像是一場災難，

We have no rules, no scripts, no norms

我們沒有規章、沒有劇本、 沒有準則，

for what to do when a child comes along

適用於當小孩子出生後 要做什麼事。

now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.

現在爸爸跟媽媽都是賺錢養家的人。

The writer Michael Lewis once put this

作家麥可．路易斯 曾經把這寫得

very, very well.

非常非常棒，

He said that the surest way

他說讓一對夫妻開始吵架， 最簡單的方法

for a couple to start fighting

is for them to go out to dinner with another couple

就是讓他們與另一對夫妻 去外面吃晚餐。

whose division of labor

而對方的勞動領域

is ever so slightly different from theirs,

與他們並沒有太大差異。

because the conversation in the car on the way home

因為在回家路上，車子裡的對話

goes something like this:

大概就像這樣：

"So, did you catch that Dave is the one

「所以，

你有沒有聽到戴夫 是每天陪小孩走路上學的人？」

who walks them to school every morning?"

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Without scripts telling us who does what

少了劇本告訴我們誰該做什麼事，

in this brave new world, couples fight,

在這個新世界裡，夫妻們會吵架，

and both mothers and fathers each have

而且媽媽們跟爸爸們

都有他們正當的怨言。

their legitimate gripes.

Mothers are much more likely

媽媽們非常可能

to be multi-tasking when they are at home,

在家的時候 要同時處理多項事情。

and fathers, when they are at home,

當爸爸們在家時，

are much more likely to be mono-tasking.

非常可能只做單一事情。

Find a guy at home, and odds are

任你找一個在家的男人，

他是一次只做一件事情的機率很大。

he is doing just one thing at a time.

In fact, UCLA recently did a study

實際上洛杉磯加州大學 最近剛做過一項調查，

looking at the most common configuration

觀察最普遍的

of family members in middle-class homes.

在中產階級家中的家庭成員分佈位置，

Guess what it was?

你猜怎麼著，

Dad in a room by himself.

老爸自己一個人在車庫裡 ！

According to the American Time Use Survey,

根據「美國人時間使用調查」，

mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,

母親們仍然做著 多父親們兩倍的孩童照護工作，

which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,

那比起在爾瑪‧邦貝克那年代好多了， （美國專欄幽默作家1960-90）

but I still think that something she wrote

不過我仍然認為她曾寫過的一些東西

is highly relevant:

是極其適宜的：

"I have not been alone in the bathroom since October."

「從十月以後我不再有自己 單獨在浴室的時間。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.

但其實男人們現在做很多事情了，

They spend more time with their kids

他們花了更多的時間陪小孩，

than their fathers ever spent with them.

比起他們父親當初陪伴他們的還多，

They work more paid hours, on average,

他們的平均工時 比另一半還要多，

than their wives,

and they genuinely want to be good,

而且他們真心地想要做個 盡心的好父親。

involved dads.

Today, it is fathers, not mothers,

今天是父親而不是母親，

who report the most work-life conflict.

據說是最有工作與生活衝突的。

Either way, by the way,

順帶一提另一個想法，

if you think it's hard for traditional families

如果你認為讓傳統家庭

to sort out these new roles,

應付這些新角色是困難的，

just imagine what it's like now

就想像一下對非傳統家庭來說

for non-traditional families:

是什麼樣的情況－－

families with two dads, families with two moms,

有兩個父親的家庭、 有兩個母親的家庭、

single-parent households.

單親家庭，

They are truly improvising as they go.

當他們前進時真的是即興演出。

Now, in a more progressive country,

如今身在一個比較進步的國家，

and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché

原諒我老調重彈，

and invoking, yes, Sweden,

還得借助瑞典為例：

parents could rely on the state

「沒錯，父母親們可以依靠國家

for support.

給予協助。」

There are countries that acknowledge

有好多國家都清楚明白

the anxieties and the changing roles

媽媽跟爸爸們的

of mothers and fathers.

焦慮感以及角色改變，

Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,

不幸的是美國並不在其中。

so in case you were wondering what the U.S.

因此要是你想知道美國

has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,

跟巴布紐幾內亞和賴比瑞亞的相同處，

it's this:

那就是：

We too have no paid maternity leave policy.

我們全都沒有 給薪的母親育嬰假政策，

We are one of eight known countries that does not.

我們是已知的 沒有這項政策的八國之一。

In this age of intense confusion,

在這個高度困擾的年代，

there is just one goal upon which

只有一個目標

all parents can agree,

全部的父母親都會同意，

and that is whether they are

那就是，不論他們是

tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,

虎媽或是嬉皮媽、直升機父母 或是無人偵測機父母，

our kids' happiness is paramount.

我們小孩的快樂是至上的。

That is what it means

那就是

to raise kids in an age

扶養小孩的意義，

when they are economically worthless

當他們在經濟上一點價值都沒有，

but emotionally priceless.

但是情感上是無價的。

We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.

我們都是他們自尊的監護人，

The one mantra no parent ever questions is,

不曾有父母懷疑過的這口號是：

"All I want is for my children to be happy."

「我最想看到的就是 小孩們能快快樂樂！」

And don't get me wrong:

別搞錯了，

I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.

我認為快樂對小孩子來說 是一個很棒的目標，

But it is a very elusive one.

但它是很難達到的目標。

Happiness and self-confidence,

「快樂」還有「自信」，

teaching children that is not like teaching them

教小孩子快樂和自信

不像教他們如何犁田、

how to plow a field.

It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.

不像教他們如何去騎單車，

There's no curriculum for it.

沒有學校的課程來教這些。

Happiness and self-confidence can be the byproducts of other things,

「快樂」和「自信」可以是 其他東西產生的副帶品，

but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.

但是不能真的拿 「快樂」和「自信」來當目標。

A child's happiness

一個小孩的快樂

is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.

是一個加諸於父母身上 非常不公平的負擔，

And happiness is an even more unfair burden

而且快樂是一個更不公平的負擔

to place on a kid.

來加諸在小孩身上！

And I have to tell you,

而且我必須跟你們說，

I think it leads to some very strange excesses.

我認為那造成非常怪異的過分。

We are now so anxious

我們現在是這麼不安的

to protect our kids from the world's ugliness

想保護我們的小孩避開世界的醜陋，

that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."

我們現在不讓他們看「芝麻街」。

I wish I could say I was kidding about this,

我希望自己是在開玩笑，

but if you go out and you buy

不過假如你們出門購買

the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,

最初的一些「芝麻街」 DVD 影集的話，

as I did out of nostalgia,

就跟我因為懷舊所做的事一樣，

you will find a warning at the beginning

你會看見一段警告就在片頭處，

saying that the content is not suitable

「本片內容不適宜

for children.

給兒童們觀賞。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Can I just repeat that?

可以讓我再重複一遍嗎？

The content of the original "Sesame Street"

原版「芝麻街」的內容

is not suitable for children.

對孩童們來說是不適宜的！

When asked about this by The New York Times,

當被紐約時報問到這問題時，

a producer for the show gave a variety of explanations.

該節目的製作人給了 多種的解釋，

One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe

其中一個是在某短劇裡，

餅乾怪獸用一根水管抽菸， 之後把管子吞了下去，

in one skit and then swallowed it.

Bad modeling. I don't know.

不好的榜樣吧！我不知道啦。

But the thing that stuck with me

但是讓我掛心的事

is she said that she didn't know

是她說如果是今天創造芝麻街的話，

whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today

她說愛發牢騷的奧斯卡 可能不會被創作出來，

because he was too depressive.

因為牠太抑鬱了。

I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.

我的難過無法言喻。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You are looking at a woman

你正在看著的

是一位牆上掛著 布偶家族的元素周期表的女人，

who has a periodic table of the Muppets

hanging from her cubicle wall.

這就掛在我辦公室。

The offending muppet, right there.

抑鬱的布偶就在這。

That's my son the day he was born.

那是我兒子出生的那天，

I was high as a kite on morphine.

我當時因為嗎啡 心情高亢得像風箏一樣，

I had had an unexpected C-section.

我做了沒預料到的剖腹手術。

But even in my opiate haze,

不過即使在吸了麻醉霧氣的狀態下，

I managed to have one very clear thought

在我第一次抱他時，

the first time I held him.

我成功抓住一個非常清楚的想法，

I whispered it into his ear.

我低聲傳進他的耳裡，

I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."

我說：「我會竭盡心力不讓你受到傷害。」

It was the Hippocratic Oath,

這是「希波克拉提克誓詞」，

and I didn't even know I was saying it.

我甚至沒意識到我唸了它，

But it occurs to me now

但是我現在想到，

that the Hippocratic Oath

「希波克拉提克誓詞」

is a much more realistic aim than happiness.

是個比「快樂」更真實的目標。

In fact, as any parent will tell you,

實際上就像每對父母親說的，

it's awfully hard.

這真的是困難到不行，

All of us have said or done hurtful things

我們所有人都曾說過或做過 傷害人的事情，

that we wish to God we could take back.

那些向上帝許願， 希望我們可以收回的事。

I think in another era

我想在另一個時代的話，

we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,

我們不會期望 自己為小孩做到那麼多事，

and it is important that we all remember that

下次當我們站在書架前

the next time we are staring with our hearts racing

看著那些書天人交戰時，

at those bookshelves.

這點是很重要的，我們全都要記住了。

I'm not really sure how to create new norms

我不是非常肯定如何建立新的準則

for this world,

給這一個世界，

but I do think that

不過我認為

in our desperate quest to create happy kids,

在我們極度渴望養出快樂的小孩時，

we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.

我們也許接受了不對的道德負擔。

It strikes me as a better goal,

這讓我想到一個更好的目標，

and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,

而且我大膽說是一個比較 道德高尚的目標：

to focus on making productive kids

「要注重培養能做事的小孩、

and moral kids,

還有行為良好的小孩」，

and to simply hope that happiness will come to them

以及單單希望快樂會來到他們身邊，

by virtue of the good that they do

透過他們所做出的好事、

and their accomplishments

所達成的高尚品德；

and the love that they feel from us.

還有他們從我們這裡感受到的愛。

That, anyway, is one response to having no script.

這是面對沒有劇本時的一種回應方式，

Absent having new scripts,

缺少了新的劇本，

we just follow the oldest ones in the book --

我們只要遵從書上最舊的劇本：

decency, a work ethic, love —

「正直、工作道義還有愛」，

and let happiness and self-esteem take care of themselves.

還有讓「快樂」跟「自尊」 自己管好自己，

I think if we all did that,

我認為我們都這麼做的話，

the kids would still be all right,

小孩子應該仍然沒有問題的，

and so would their parents,

還有他們父母也一樣沒問題的，

possibly in both cases even better.

非常有可能兩者都會更好。

Thank you.

謝謝大家！

(Applause)

（掌聲）