How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

Prevodilac: Dragana Savanovic Lektor: Ivana Korom

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right?

Tražiti pomoć je nešto najgore, zar ne?

I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists

To u stvari nikada nisam videla na jednoj od onih lista top deset stvari

of things people fear,

kojih se ljudi plaše,

like public speaking

kao što je javni nastup

and death,

i smrt,

but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there.

ali sam prilično sigurna da tamo pripada.

Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

Iako je na mnogo načina blesavo plašiti se da priznamo da nam treba pomoć,

whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker

bilo da je od voljene osobe ili od prijatelja ili kolege

or even from a stranger,

ili čak od stranca,

somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing

nekako se uvek čini pomalo neprijatno i sramotno

to actually ask for help,

zapravo tražiti pomoć,

which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help

zbog čega, naravno, većina nas pokušava da izbegne da traži pomoć

whenever humanly possible.

kad god je to u ljudskoj moći.

My father was one of those legions of fathers

Moj otac je bio jedan od mnogih očeva

who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp

koji bi, kunem se, radije vozio kroz močvaru punu aligatora

than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road.

nego tražio pomoć od nekog da se vrati na put.

When I was a kid, we took a family vacation.

Kada sam bila dete, išli smo na porodični odmor.

We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg.

Vozili smo se od naše kuće u Južnom Džersiju

do Kolonijalnog Vilijamsburga.

And I remember we got really badly lost.

I sećam se da smo se baš izgubili.

My mother and I pleaded with him

Majka i ja smo ga molile

to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway,

da lepo stane i pita nekog kako da se vrati na autoput,

and he absolutely refused,

što je apsolutno odbio,

and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost,

i, u stvari, uverio nas da se nismo izgubili,

he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

da je samo oduvek želeo da zna šta ima ovde.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So if we're going to ask for help --

Pa, ako ćemo tražiti pomoć -

and we have to, we all do, practically every day --

a moramo, i to svi, svakog dana -

the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it

jedini način da nam to ikada bude prijatno

is to get good at it,

je da postanemo dobri u tome,

to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone,

da zapravo povećamo šanse da, kada tražimo pomoć od nekog,

they're actually going to say yes.

oni u stvari odgovore potvrdno.

And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying

I ne samo to, već da se zapravo osećaju zadovoljno

and rewarding to help you,

i korisno što su vam pomogli,

because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

jer će tako biti motivisani da vam i dalje pomažu i ubuduće.

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done

Istraživanje koje smo ja i neke moje kolege uradili

has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes

je rasvetlilo zašto ponekad ljudi kažu „da“

to our requests for help

kada tražimo pomoć,

and why sometimes they say no.

a zašto ponekad kažu „ne“.

Now let me just start by saying right now:

Dozvolite da vam odmah kažem:

if you need help,

ako vam treba pomoć,

you are going to have to ask for it.

moraćete da je tražite.

Out loud.

Naglas.

OK?

Ok?

We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call

Svi mi, u nekoj meri, patimo od nečega što psiholozi nazivaju

"the illusion of transparency" --

iluzija transparentnosti -

basically, the mistaken belief

u suštini, pogrešnog verovanja

that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs

da su naše misli, osećanja i potrebe

are really obvious to other people.

skroz očigledne drugim ljudima.

This is not true, but we believe it.

To nije tačno, ali mi verujemo u to.

And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs

I tako, mi uglavnom stojimo i čekamo da neko primeti naše potrebe

and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

i da nam onda spontano ponudi pomoć.

This is a really, really bad assumption.

Ovo je stvarno, stvarno loša pretpostavka.

In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

U stvari, ne samo da je jako teško prepoznati koje su naše potrebe,

but even the people close to you often struggle to understand

nego se čak i vama bliski ljudi često muče da razumeju

how they can support you.

kako vam mogu pružiti podršku.

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit

Moj partner je zapravo morao da stekne naviku

of asking me multiple times a day,

da me više puta na dan pita

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

„Jesi li ok? Da li ti treba nešto?“

because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

jer sam ja jako, jako loša u signaliziranju za pomoć.

Now, he is more patient than I deserve

On je mnogo strpljiviji nego što zaslužujem

and much more proactive, much more, about helping

i mnogo proaktivniji, mnogo više posvećen pomaganju

than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

nego što bilo ko od nas ima pravo da očekuje od drugih ljudi da budu.

So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

Znači, ako vam treba pomoć, moraćete da je tražite.

And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help,

I da, čak i kada neko ume da prepozna da vam treba pomoć,

how do they know that you want it?

kako da znaju da je želite?

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out,

Jeste li ikada pokušali dobrovoljno da pomognete nekome ko, ipak,

did not actually want your help in the first place?

uopšte nije želeo vašu pomoć?

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

Brzo postanu bezobrazni, zar ne?

The other day -- true story --

Pre neki dan - istinita priča -

my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

moja ćerka tinejdžerka se oblačila za školu,

and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

i odlučila sam da joj dobrovoljno pomognem sa tim.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

Ja, eto, mislim da izgleda sjajno u svetlijim bojama.

She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

Ona, pak, više voli tamne, neutralnije tonove.

And so I said, very helpfully,

Pa sam joj rekla, vrlo dobronamerno,

that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs

da mislim da bi možda mogla da se vrati gore

and try to find something a little less somber.

i proba da nađe nešto manje tmurno.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So, if looks could kill,

Da pogled može da ubije,

I would not be standing here right now.

ja ne bih stajala sada ovde.

We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us

Stvarno ne možemo kriviti druge što nam spontano ne nude pomoć

when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

kada zapravo ne znamo da to želimo.

In fact, actually, research shows

U stvari, istraživanje pokazuje

that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace

da je 90 procenata pomoći koju kolege pružaju jedni drugima na poslu

is in response to explicit requests for help.

odgovor na konkretne zahteve za pomoć.

So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right?

Tako da ćete morati da izgovorite reči: „Treba mi tvoja pomoć.“ Dobro?

There's no getting around it.

Nema izbegavanja.

Now, to be good at it,

Da biste bili dobri u tome,

to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

da bi vam ljudi u stvari pomogli kada im tražite pomoć,

there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

ima nekoliko korisnih stvari koje treba da zapamtite.

First thing: when you ask for help,

Prvo: kada tražite pomoć,

be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

budite vrlo, vrlo konkretni o pomoći kakvu želite i zašto.

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

Nejasni, pomalo indirektni zahtevi za pomoć

actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

i nisu baš od pomoći pomagaču, zar ne?

We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

Mi u stvari ne znamo šta želite od nas,

and, just as important,

i što je jednako važno,

we don't know whether or not we can be successful

ne znamo da li ćemo uspeti

in giving you the help.

da vam pružimo pomoć.

Nobody wants to give bad help.

Niko ne želi da pruži lošu pomoć.

Like me, you probably get some of these requests

Kao i ja, i vi verovatno dobijate neke od ovih ponuda

from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn

od zaista prijatnih stranaca na LinkedIn-u

who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

koji žele npr. „da se nađete na kafi i upoznate“

or "pick your brain."

ili „da vas pitaju za mišljenje.“

I ignore these requests literally every time.

Ignorišem ove zahteve bukvalno svaki put.

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

I nije da nisam fina osoba.

It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me,

Nego kada ne znam šta želite od mene,

like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide,

npr. kakvu pomoć očekujete od mene,

I'm not interested.

nisam zainteresovana.

Nobody is.

Niko nije.

I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said

Bila bih mnogo zainteresovanija kad bi prosto iskreno rekli

whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

šta je to što im treba od mene,

because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

jer sam prilično sigurna da imaju nešto konkretno na umu.

So go ahead and say,

Samo napred i kažite:

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

„Nadao sam se da ćemo pričati o mogućnosti zaposlenja u Vašoj firmi,“

or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project

ili „Voleo bih da predložim zajedničko istraživanje

in an area I know you're interested in,"

u oblasti za koju znam da Vas zanima,“

or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

ili „Voleo bih Vaš savet za upis u medicinsku školu.“

Technically, I can't help you with that last one

Tehnički, sa ovim poslednjim vam ne mogu pomoći

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

jer nisam takva vrsta doktora,

but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

ali vas mogu usmeriti na nekog ko bi mogao.

OK, second tip.

Ok, drugi savet.

This is really important:

Ovo je stvarno važno:

please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

molim vas izbegavajte poricanje, izvinjavanje i podmićivanje.

Really, really important.

Vrlo, vrlo važno.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Da li vam išta od ovog zvuči poznato?

(Clears throat)

(Nakašljava se)

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

„Jako mi je žao što moram ovo da tražim.“

"I really hate bothering you with this."

„Stvarno mrzim što ti dosađujem ovim.“

"If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

„Da ikako mogu da uradim ovo bez tvoje pomoći, uradio bih.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove

Ponekad se čini da ljudi uporno žele da pokažu

that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

da nisu slabi i pohlepni kada vam traže pomoć,

they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable

da potpuno zaborave koliko neprijatno

they're making you feel.

čine da se vi osećate.

And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you

I da - kako da ja osećam zadovoljstvo što vam pomažem

if you really hated having to ask me for help?

ako vam je bilo baš mrsko da me pitate za pomoć?

And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable

I dok je potpuno, potpuno prihvatljivo

to pay strangers to do things for you,

plaćati strancima da urade nešto za vas,

you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing

morate biti jako, jako pažljivi prilikom podsticanja

your friends and coworkers.

svojih prijatelja i kolega.

When you have a relationship with someone,

Kada imate vezu sa nekim,

helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

pomaganje je zapravo prirodan deo te veze.

It's how we show one another that we care.

Tako pokazujemo jedni drugima da nam je stalo.

If you introduce incentives or payments into that,

Kada u to uvedete podsticaj i naplatu,

what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship,

može se desiti da počne da se čini kao da to nije veza,

it's a transaction.

već transakcija.

And that actually is experienced as distancing,

I to se u stvari doživaljava kao udaljavanje

which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

što, ironično, čini da ljudi ređe pomažu.

So a spontaneous gift

Spontani poklon

after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude --

nakon što vam je neko pomogao kako biste pokazali zahvalnost -

perfectly fine.

je skroz u redu.

An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment

Da se ponudite da platite drugu što vam je pomogao da se preselite

is not.

nije.

OK, third rule,

Ok, treće pravilo,

and I really mean this one:

i ovo stvarno mislim:

please do not ask for help

molim vas nemojte tražiti pomoć

over email or text.

porukom ili mejlom.

Really, seriously, please don't.

Stvarno, zaista, nemojte molim vas.

Email and text are impersonal.

Mejl i poruka su bezlični.

I realize sometimes there's no alternative,

Razumem da ponekad nema alternative,

but mostly what happens is,

ali uglavnom se dešava

we like to ask for help over email and text

da volimo da tražimo pomoć preko mejla ili poruke

because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

jer nam je tako manje neprijatno.

You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

Znate šta je još manje neprijatno preko mejla i poruke?

Telling you no.

Da vam kažu „ne“.

And it turns out, there's research to support this.

Ispostavilo se da postoji istraživanje koje potvrđuje ovo.

In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes

Lični zahtevi za pomoć imaju 30 puta veće šanse za „da“

than a request made by email.

nego zahtevi upućeni mejlom.

So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

Zato kada je nešto jako važno i jako vam treba nečija pomoć,

make face time to make the request,

nađite vremena da je lično zatražite

or use your phone as a phone --

ili koristite svoj telefon kao telefon -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

to ask for the help that you need.

da tražite potrebnu pomoć.

OK.

Ok.

Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one

Poslednje, i ovo je zapravo zaista, zaista važno

and probably the one that is most overlooked

i verovatno nešto što najčešće previdimo

when it comes to asking for help:

kada je u pitanju traženje pomoći:

when you ask someone for their help and they say yes,

kada od nekoga tražite pomoć i oni pristanu,

follow up with them afterward.

javite im se kasnije.

There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping

Često postoji zabluda da je ono dragoceno kod pomaganja

is the act of helping itself.

sam čin pomaganja.

This is not true.

To nije tačno.

What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed,

Ono što je dragoceno kod pomaganja je saznanje da je pomoć prihvaćena,

that it had impact,

da je imala uticaj,

that you were effective.

da ste bili efektivni.

If I have no idea how my help affected you,

Ako ne znam kako je moja pomoć uticala na vas,

how am I supposed to feel about it?

kako treba da se osećam zbog toga?

This happened; I was a university professor for many years,

Evo šta se desilo; bila sam profesor na univerzitetu mnogo godina,

I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation

napisala sam mnoga pisma preporuke

for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

kada je ljudima trebalo za posao ili postdiplomske studije.

And probably about 95 percent of them,

I sa verovatno oko 95% njih

I have no idea what happened.

ne znam šta se desilo.

Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that,

Kako treba da se osećam zbog vremena i truda koje sam uložila u to,

when I really have no idea if I helped you,

kada zapravo nemam pojma da li sam vam pomogla,

if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

da li vam je to zapravo pomoglo da dobijete ono što ste želeli?

In fact, this idea of feeling effective

U stvari, ova ideja efektivnosti

is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

delom objašnjava zašto su neke donatorske molbe tako ubedljive -

because they allow you to really vividly imagine

jer vam omogućavaju da jasno zamislite

the effect that your help is going to have.

kakav efekat će imati vaša pomoć.

Take something like DonorsChoose.

Uzmite npr. Donatori biraju.

You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name

Odete onlajn, možete da izaberete individualnog nastavnika po imenu

whose classroom you're going to be able to help

čijoj učionici ćete moći da pomognete

by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

tako što ćete bukvalno kupiti konkretne stvari koje su tražili,

like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

kao što su mikroskopi ili laptopovi ili fleksibilne stolice.

An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine

Takva molba, zbog koje mi je tako lako da zamislim

the good that my money will do,

ono dobro što će moj novac uraditi,

that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness

da zapravo odmah osetim efektnost

the minute I commit to giving.

u trenutku davanja.

But you know what else they do?

Znate šta još oni rade?

They follow up.

Daju povratnu informaciju.

Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

Donatori zapravo dobiju pisma od dece iz učionice.

They get pictures.

Dobiju slike.

They get to know that they made a difference.

Saznanje da su doprineli promeni.

And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives,

I ovo je nešto što bi svi trebalo da radimo u svakodnevnom životu,

especially if we want people to continue to give us help

pogotovo ako želimo da ljudi nastave da nam pružaju pomoć

over the long term.

dugoročno.

Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you

Nađite vremena da kažete kolegi da vam je pomoć koju vam je pružio

really helped you land that big sale,

zaista pomogla da ostvarite onu veliku prodaju,

or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

ili da dobijete onaj intervju kojem ste se stvarno nadali.

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you

Nađite vremena da kažete partneru da vam je podrška koju ste dobili

really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

zaista omogućila da prođete kroz težak period.

Take time to tell your catsitter

Nađite vremena da kažete osobi koja vam čuva mačke

that you're super happy that for some reason,

da ste presrećni što, iz nekog razloga,

this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

ovog puta mačke nisu razbile ništa dok ste bili odsutni,

and so they must have done a really good job.

tako da mora da su obavili sjajan posao.

The bottom line is:

Ovo je suština:

I know -- believe me, I know --

znam - verujte mi, znam -

that it is not easy to ask for help.

da nije lako tražiti pomoć.

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

Svi se toga po malo plašimo.

It makes us feel vulnerable.

Čini da se osećamo ranjivo.

But the reality of modern work and modern life

Realnost modernog rada i modernog života

is that nobody does it alone.

je da niko ne može sam.

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

Niko ne uspeva u vakuumu.

More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people,

Više nego ikada, mi zapravo moramo da se oslanjamo na druge ljude,

on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

na njihovu podršku i saradnju, kako bismo bili uspešni.

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

Zato, kada vam treba pomoć, tražite je naglas.

And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances

I kada je tražite, uradite to tako da povećate vaše šanse

that you'll get a yes

da dobijete „da“

and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

i učinite da se druga osoba oseća sjajno što vam je pomogla,

because you both deserve it.

jer oboje to zaslužujete.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)