How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Bruce Sung

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right?

基本上，求助是最糟糕的，對吧？

I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists

我其實從來沒有

在人類最恐懼的十件事 排行榜上看過它，

of things people fear,

like public speaking

通常都會有公開演說，

and death,

以及死亡，

but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there.

但我很確定它一定屬於前十名。

Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

雖然，在許多意義上，

害怕承認自己需要協助 是件很蠢的事，

whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker

不論求助的對象是親人、朋友，

或同事，或甚至陌生人，

or even from a stranger,

somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing

開口求助總是不知怎麼地

讓我們感到不舒服和不好意思，

to actually ask for help,

which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help

當然，這就是為什麼大部分人

會在所能範圍內盡量避免求助。

whenever humanly possible.

My father was one of those legions of fathers

我爸爸就是那種很常見的老爸，

who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp

我發誓，他寧可把車 開過內有鱷魚的沼澤，

than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road.

也不願意找人問路。

When I was a kid, we took a family vacation.

我小時候，我們全家去渡假。

We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg.

我們從南澤西的家開車 前往殖民地威廉斯堡。

And I remember we got really badly lost.

我記得我們嚴重迷路。

My mother and I pleaded with him

我和我媽媽懇求他

to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway,

把車靠邊停，找人詢問 要怎麼回到幹道上，

and he absolutely refused,

他就是拒絕，

and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost,

而且還保證我們沒有迷路，

he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

他只是一直想知道 這裡有什麼所以來看看。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So if we're going to ask for help --

所以，如果我們要求助——

and we have to, we all do, practically every day --

且其實我們所有人 每天都會需要求助——

the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it

只有一種辦法能夠很自在地去求助，

is to get good at it,

那就是變得擅長求助，

to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone,

增加當你去向某人求助時，

they're actually going to say yes.

那個人會答應的機率。

And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying

且，不只如此，他們還會覺得協助你

是件很讓人滿足、很有價值的事，

and rewarding to help you,

because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

因為，這麼一來，他們就會 有動機在未來繼續幫助你。

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done

我和我的一些同事做了研究，

has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes

解釋了為什麼當我們尋求協助時，

to our requests for help

有些人會答應，

and why sometimes they say no.

有些人會拒絕。

Now let me just start by saying right now:

讓我就從這麼說開始：

if you need help,

如果你需要協助，

you are going to have to ask for it.

你就一定得要說出來。

Out loud.

大聲說出來。好嗎？

OK?

We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call

在某種程度上， 我們都有心理學家所謂的

"the illusion of transparency" --

「被洞悉錯覺」——

basically, the mistaken belief

基本上，它就是誤信

that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs

我們的思想、我們的感覺， 以及我們的需求

are really obvious to other people.

都很明顯，能被別人看出來。

This is not true, but we believe it.

這不是真的，但我們卻相信。

And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs

所以，我們幾乎就是等著 別人注意到我們的需求，

and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

然後自動自發地來幫助我們。

This is a really, really bad assumption.

這真的是種很糟的假設。

In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

事實上，不僅是 說出你的需求很困難，

but even the people close to you often struggle to understand

就連你身邊的人，通常也很難了解

how they can support you.

他們要如何支助你。

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit

我的另一半還得要養成一種習慣，

of asking me multiple times a day,

每天要問我很多次

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

「你還好嗎？你需要什麼嗎？」

because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

因為我非常不擅長表現出 我需要別人的幫助。

Now, he is more patient than I deserve

他實在對我太有耐心了，

and much more proactive, much more, about helping

且他也太太太主動提供協助，

than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

我們都無法期望其他人 能做到像他這樣。

So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

所以，如果你需要幫助， 你就得求助。

And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help,

順便一提，就算別人 看得出你需要幫助，

how do they know that you want it?

他們又怎麼知道 你想要他們的幫助？

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out,

你有沒有遇過，你主動 提供協助給某個人，

did not actually want your help in the first place?

結果這個人其實 根本不想要你幫忙？

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

他們馬上就變臉，對吧？

The other day -- true story --

有一天——這是真實故事——

my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

我的十多歲的女兒在更衣準備上學，

and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

而我決定主動提供這方面的協助。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

我剛好認為，她穿亮色會很好看。

She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

而她則偏好比較暗的顏色， 比較中性的色調。

And so I said, very helpfully,

所以，我非常熱心地說

that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs

我認為她可以考慮回到樓上，

and try to find something a little less somber.

試著找件不那麼灰暗的衣服。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So, if looks could kill,

如果用瞪的可以殺人，

I would not be standing here right now.

我現在就不會活著站在這裡了。

We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us

我們真的不能怪其他人 不主動協助我們，

when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

因為我們其實不知道 對方是否想要被幫助。

In fact, actually, research shows

事實上，研究顯示，

that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace

在工作場所中， 同事間提供給彼此的協助，

is in response to explicit requests for help.

有九成都是因為 對方有明確要求協助。

So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right?

所以，你必須要說出 「我需要你幫忙」這句話。

There's no getting around it.

沒有其他方式。

Now, to be good at it,

那麼，若要擅長求助，

to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

若要確保當你求助時， 對方真的會伸出援手，

there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

記住以下幾件事情會很有助益。

First thing: when you ask for help,

第一：當你求助時，

be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

要非常非常明確說出你想要 什麼樣的協助，以及為什麼。

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

模糊、間接地請求協助

actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

不太能夠幫助對方 提供幫助給你，對吧？

We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

我們不知道你希望我們做些什麼，

and, just as important,

同樣重要的是，

we don't know whether or not we can be successful

我們也不知道我們 能不能成功幫助你。

in giving you the help.

沒有人想要給予沒用的幫助。

Nobody wants to give bad help.

Like me, you probably get some of these requests

你可能也跟我一樣，常常會在 LinkedIn（職場社交平台）上

from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn

收到一些陌生人的請求，

who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

他們想要類似「喝杯咖啡 聚一聚，連結彼此」

or "pick your brain."

或「跟你請教一下」。

I ignore these requests literally every time.

我真的每次都會直接忽略這些請求。

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

並不是我不是好人，

It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me,

只是如果我不清楚你想要我做什麼，

like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide,

比如你希望我能幫上什麼忙，

I'm not interested.

那我就沒興趣。

Nobody is.

沒人會有興趣。

I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said

如果他們能直接來找我， 說出他們想從我這裡得到什麼，

whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

我反而會感興趣許多，

because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

因為我很肯定他們 腦中有很明確的想法。

So go ahead and say,

所以，儘管說出來：

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

「我希望能討論看看 是否有機會到你的公司工作。」

or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project

或「我想要提議一項聯合研究計畫，

in an area I know you're interested in,"

我知道這是你會有興趣的研究領域。」

or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

或「我想聽聽你對於 就讀醫學院的建議。」

Technically, I can't help you with that last one

技術上來說，最後 那個例子我幫不上忙，

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

因為我不是「醫生」，我是博士，

but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

但我能夠引介你去找能幫上忙的人。

OK, second tip.

好，第二項要訣。

This is really important:

這項非常重要：

please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

請避免免責聲明、道歉，和賄賂。

Really, really important.

非常重要。

Do any of these sound familiar?

以下這些聽起來耳熟嗎？

(Clears throat)

（清喉嚨）

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

「很抱歉我得要拜託你這件事。」

"I really hate bothering you with this."

「我真的很不想用這件事煩你。」

"If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

「如果能不找你幫忙， 我就不會來找你了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove

有時，感覺好像大家很想要證明

that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

他們在向你求助時 其實並不軟弱和貪心，

they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable

他們完全沒注意到這些說法

會讓你感覺多麼不舒服。

they're making you feel.

And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you

順便一提——如果你真的 很不想向我求助，

if you really hated having to ask me for help?

我怎麼可能會覺得 幫助你是讓人滿足的事？

And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable

且，雖然如果請陌生人幫助你，

to pay strangers to do things for you,

付錢給他是非常可接受的事，

you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing

但若你要用錢鼓勵的對象 是你的朋友和同事，

your friends and coworkers.

你就得要格外小心。

When you have a relationship with someone,

如果你和某人有關係存在，

helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

彼此幫助其實很自然 就是那段關係的一部分。

It's how we show one another that we care.

我們用這種方式 向對方展現我們在乎他。

If you introduce incentives or payments into that,

如果你讓關係涉及到獎勵或付款，

what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship,

可能就會讓原本的關係 感覺不再是關係了，

it's a transaction.

反而像是交易。

And that actually is experienced as distancing,

那其實會讓人有距離感，

which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

很諷刺的是，這麼做 反而會讓對方比較不想幫你。

So a spontaneous gift

所以，在對方協助你之後，

after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude --

不刻意地送個禮物來表示謝意——

perfectly fine.

完全可行。

An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment

付錢請你最要好的朋友幫你搬家，

is not.

不可行。

OK, third rule,

好，第三條規則，

and I really mean this one:

對這條，我是很認真的：

please do not ask for help

請不要用電子郵件

over email or text.

或文字訊息來求助。

Really, seriously, please don't.

我是說真的，請不要這麼做。

Email and text are impersonal.

電子郵件和文字訊息很沒人情味。

I realize sometimes there's no alternative,

我知道有時是沒有其他選擇，

but mostly what happens is,

但大部分的情況是，

we like to ask for help over email and text

我們想要透過電子郵件 和文字訊息來求助，

because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

因為我們用這種方式 感覺比較不尷尬。

You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

你知道透過電子郵件和文字訊息 做什麼也會感覺比較不尷尬嗎？

Telling you no.

拒絕你。

And it turns out, there's research to support this.

結果發現，有研究支持這個論點。

In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes

比起用電子郵件求助，

親自去求助，對方 答應的機率反而高三十倍。

than a request made by email.

So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

所以，如果有很重要的事 你真的需要別人幫忙，

make face time to make the request,

找時間去當面求助，

or use your phone as a phone --

或是把手機當「電話」來使用——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

to ask for the help that you need.

來尋求你需要的協助。

OK.

好。

Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one

最後一項，這一項真的非常重要，

and probably the one that is most overlooked

可能是在求助時最會被大家忽略的：

when it comes to asking for help:

when you ask someone for their help and they say yes,

當你向某人求助，對方也答應了，

follow up with them afterward.

還要有後續追蹤。

There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping

有一種常見的誤解，那就是

協助人的行為本身 會讓人覺得很有價值。

is the act of helping itself.

This is not true.

不是這樣的。

What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed,

會讓人覺得有價值的部分， 是知道你提供的幫助有用，

that it had impact,

有所影響，

that you were effective.

知道你造成了不同。

If I have no idea how my help affected you,

如果我不知道我的協助 對你有什麼影響，

how am I supposed to feel about it?

我會對它有什麼感受？

This happened; I was a university professor for many years,

我遇過一件事；我之前 當了很多年的大學教授，

I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation

我寫過非常多推薦信，

for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

推薦別人找工作或是讀研究所。

And probably about 95 percent of them,

當中大概有 95%

I have no idea what happened.

我都不知道後來結果如何。

Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that,

我如果不知道我有沒有幫上忙，

when I really have no idea if I helped you,

我對我花在推薦上的 時間心力會有什麼感覺？

if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

我的推薦真的有幫你達到目標嗎？

In fact, this idea of feeling effective

事實上，這種有幫上忙的感覺，

is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

正是某些懇求捐助的請求

能如此有說服力的原因之一——

because they allow you to really vividly imagine

因為它們能讓你很生動地想像出

the effect that your help is going to have.

你的幫助會帶來什麼效益。

Take something like DonorsChoose.

以 DonorsChoose（組織）為例。

You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name

你可以上網，依照名字 來選擇某一位老師，

whose classroom you're going to be able to help

你可以去協助他的班級，

by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

直接購買他們很明確需求的物品，

like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

比如顯微鏡、筆電， 或有彈性的坐椅。

An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine

像這樣的捐助請求， 讓我可以很容易想像出

the good that my money will do,

我的錢能夠做什麼善事，

that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness

在我決定要捐助時，

我馬上就可以有種幫上忙的感覺。

the minute I commit to giving.

But you know what else they do?

但，你知道它們還會做什麼嗎？

They follow up.

後續追蹤。

Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

捐贈者會收到班上孩子寫來的信。

They get pictures.

他們會收到照片。

They get to know that they made a difference.

他們能知道他們造成了不同。

And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives,

我們所有人在日常生活中 都應該要這麼做，

especially if we want people to continue to give us help

這樣我們才能讓別人

長期繼續提供我們協助。

over the long term.

Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you

花點時間，告訴你的同事，

他們給你的協助真的 讓你成交了一筆大生意，

really helped you land that big sale,

or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

或是讓你取得了 你一直盼望的面試機會。

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you

花點時間，告訴你的另一半， 他們給予你的支持

really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

真的幫助你渡過低潮。

Take time to tell your catsitter

花點時間，告訴幫你照顧貓的人，

that you're super happy that for some reason,

你超級開心，因為出於某種原因，

this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

這次你出遠門時， 你的貓沒有打破任何東西，

and so they must have done a really good job.

所以一定是他們把貓顧得很好。

The bottom line is:

結果就是：

I know -- believe me, I know --

我知道——相信我，我知道——

that it is not easy to ask for help.

要開口求助並不容易。

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

我們都有一點害怕求助。

It makes us feel vulnerable.

求助讓我們感到脆弱。

But the reality of modern work and modern life

但，現代工作 和現代生活的現實就是，

is that nobody does it alone.

沒有人能只靠自己。

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

沒有人能獨自一人成功。

More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people,

我們比以往更需要仰賴其他人，

on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

仰賴他們的支持和合作， 才有可能成功。

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

所以，當你需要協助時， 只管大聲說出來。

And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances

當你求助時，

要用能讓對方更有可能 答應的方式來求助，

that you'll get a yes

and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

並且讓對方覺得 能幫到你是件很棒的事，

because you both deserve it.

因為這是你們雙方都應得的。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）