How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

Prevoditelj: Martina Peraic Recezent: Sanda L

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right?

Traženje pomoći je zapravo grozno, zar ne?

I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists

Nikada to nisam vidjela na onim popisima deset stvari

of things people fear,

kojih se ljudi boje,

like public speaking

kao govorenje pred publikom

and death,

i smrt,

but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there.

ali sigurna sam da zapravo pripada ondje.

Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

Iako je toliko budalasto od nas bojati se priznati da trebamo pomoć,

whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker

bilo od osobe koju volimo, od prijatelja, od kolege,

or even from a stranger,

ili čak od stranca,

somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing

nekako se uvijek čini barem malo neugodno ili se sramimo

to actually ask for help,

zapravo zatražiti pomoć.

which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help

Zato mnogi od nas izbjegavaju tražiti pomoć

whenever humanly possible.

kad god je to ikako moguće.

My father was one of those legions of fathers

Moj otac bio je jedan od niza očeva

who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp

koji bi, kunem se, radije vozio kroz močvaru punu aligatora,

than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road.

nego pitao nekoga za pomoć kako se vratiti na cestu.

When I was a kid, we took a family vacation.

Kada sam bila dijete išli smo na obiteljski odmor.

We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg.

Vozili smo se od našeg doma u Južnom Jerseyu do kolonijalnog Williamsburga.

And I remember we got really badly lost.

Sjećam se da smo se stvarno izgubili.

My mother and I pleaded with him

Majka i ja smo ga preklinjale

to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway,

da stane uz cestu i pita nekoga za upute kako se vratiti na autocestu,

and he absolutely refused,

a on je kategorički odbio

and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost,

te nas, zapravo, uvjeravao kako se nismo izgubili,

he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

nego je samo oduvijek želio znati što se nalazi ovdje.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So if we're going to ask for help --

Ako ćemo zatražiti pomoć --

and we have to, we all do, practically every day --

a moramo, svi to moramo, gotovo svakoga dana --

the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it

jedini način na koji će nam uspjeti biti komotno dok to činimo

is to get good at it,

jest da postanemo dobri u tome,

to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone,

da povećamo šanse kada nekoga zamolimo za pomoć,

they're actually going to say yes.

oni zapravo pristanu.

And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying

Ne samo to, nego će doživiti osjećaj zadovoljstva

and rewarding to help you,

i nagrade u činu pomaganja,

because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

jer na taj način će biti motivirani nastaviti vam pomagati ubuduće.

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done

Istraživanje koje sam provela sa suradnicima

has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes

rasvijetlilo nam je zašto ljudi ponekad pristaju

to our requests for help

na naše molbe za pomoć,

and why sometimes they say no.

a zašto ponekad odbijaju.

Now let me just start by saying right now:

Dajte da počnem tako da vam odmah kažem:

if you need help,

ako trebate pomoć,

you are going to have to ask for it.

morat ćete je zatražiti.

Out loud.

Naglas.

OK?

U redu?

We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call

Svi u nekoj mjeri patimo od onoga što psiholozi nazivaju

"the illusion of transparency" --

"iluzijom transparentnosti" --

basically, the mistaken belief

zapravo, pogrešnog vjerovanja

that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs

kako su naše misli, osjećaji i potrebe

are really obvious to other people.

sasvim očiti drugim ljudima.

This is not true, but we believe it.

To nije istina, ali mi u to vjerujemo.

And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs

I tako uglavnom samo stojimo uokolo čekajući da netko zamijeti naše potrebe

and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

i zatim spontano ponudi da nam pomogne.

This is a really, really bad assumption.

To je zaista loša pretpostavka.

In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

U biti, ne samo da je vrlo teško pogoditi vaše potrebe,

but even the people close to you often struggle to understand

nego čak i ljudi s kojima ste bliski često imaju problema shvatiti

how they can support you.

kako bi vas mogli poduprijeti.

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit

Moj partner je morao usvojiti naviku

of asking me multiple times a day,

pitati me više puta dnevno,

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

"Jesi li dobro? Treba li ti što?"

because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

jer samo toliko loša u signaliziranju kada mi je potrebna nečija pomoć.

Now, he is more patient than I deserve

On je strpljiviji nego što zaslužujem

and much more proactive, much more, about helping

i puno, puno proaktivniji kada je u pitanju pomaganje

than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

nego što mnogi od nas imaju pravo očekivati od drugih ljudi.

So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

Dakle, ako trebate pomoć, morate je zatražiti.

And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help,

Usput, čak i ako netko uoči da trebate pomoć,

how do they know that you want it?

kako mogu znati želite li je?

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out,

Jeste li ikada pokušali pružiti nezatraženu pomoć pa se ispostavi

did not actually want your help in the first place?

da osoba nije uopće željela vašu pomoć?

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

Mogu začas postati neugodni, zar ne?

The other day -- true story --

Neki dan -- istinita priča --

my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

moja kći tinejdžerske dobi odijevala se za školu

and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

i odlučila sam joj ponuditi netraženu pomoć pri tome.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

Ja mislim da izgleda sjajno u svjetlijim bojama.

She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

Ona više voli nešto tamnije, neutralnije tonove.

And so I said, very helpfully,

Pa sam rekla, puna volje da pomognem,

that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs

da mislim kako bi se trebala vratiti gore

and try to find something a little less somber.

i pronaći nešto manje ozbiljno.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So, if looks could kill,

Pa, kad bi pogledi ubijali,

I would not be standing here right now.

ne bih sada stajala ovdje.

We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us

Ne možemo kriviti druge ljude za to da nam spontano ne nude pomoć,

when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

kada sami zapravo ne znamo da je to ono što želimo.

In fact, actually, research shows

Zapravo, istraživanje pokazuje

that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace

da je 90 posto pomoći koju kolege pružaju jedni drugima na radnom mjestu,

is in response to explicit requests for help.

nastalo kao odgovor na izravne zahtjeve za pomoći.

So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right?

Morat ćete izgovoriti riječi "Trebam tvoju pomoć." U redu?

There's no getting around it.

Nema zaobilaženja.

Now, to be good at it,

Da bismo bili dobri u tome,

to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

da osiguramo da nam ljudi doista pomognu kada to zatražimo,

there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

ima nekoliko stvari koje bi trebalo imati na umu.

First thing: when you ask for help,

Prvo: kada tražite pomoć,

be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

budite vrlo određeni oko pomoći koju trebate i zašto.

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

Nejasni i neizravni zahtjevi za pomoć

actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

zapravo ne pomažu pomagaču, zar ne?

We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

Mi ne znamo što vi želite od nas,

and, just as important,

i, jednako važno,

we don't know whether or not we can be successful

mi ne znamo možemo li biti uspješni

in giving you the help.

u pružanju pomoći.

Nobody wants to give bad help.

Nitko ne želi biti loš u pomaganju.

Like me, you probably get some of these requests

Poput mene, vjerojatno dobivate neke od ovakvih zahtjeva

from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn

od vrlo pristojnih stranaca na LinkedInu

who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

koji žele naprimjer, "da se nađemo na kavi i povežemo"

or "pick your brain."

ili da "vas potanko ispitaju o temi".

I ignore these requests literally every time.

Redovno ignoriram takve zahtjeve.

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

Nije to zato što nisam dobra osoba.

It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me,

Kada ne znam što točno želite od mene,

like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide,

kakvu pomoć se nadate da vam mogu pružiti,

I'm not interested.

nisam zainteresirana.

Nobody is.

Nitko nije.

I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said

Puno bi me više zanimalo kada bi jednostavno rekli

whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

što je to čemu se nadaju od mene,

because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

jer sam prilično sigurna da imaju nešto određeno na umu.

So go ahead and say,

Pa slobodno recite,

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

"Nadam se razgovoru o prilikama za zapošljavanje u vašoj tvrtki",

or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project

ili "Predložila bih zajednički istraživački projekt

in an area I know you're interested in,"

u području od vašeg interesa",

or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

ili, "Želim vaš savjet o upisivanju medicinskog fakulteta".

Technically, I can't help you with that last one

Tehnički vam ne mogu pomoći s ovim zadnjim

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

jer nisam takva vrsta liječnika,

but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

ali vas mogu uputiti u smjeru nekog drugog tko bi vam mogao pomoći.

OK, second tip.

Drugi savjet.

This is really important:

Ovo je vrlo važno:

please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

izbjegavajte ograđivanja, isprike i podmićivanja.

Really, really important.

Vrlo, vrlo važno.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Zvuči li vam išta od toga poznato?

(Clears throat)

(Pročišćava grlo)

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

"Tako mi je žao što vas moram pitati za ovo."

"I really hate bothering you with this."

"Stvarno mi nije drago smetati vam s ovim."

"If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

"Da znam za neki način kako da ovo učinim bez vaše pomoći, učinio bih to."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove

Ponekad se čini da su ljudi toliko željni dokazati

that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

kako nisu slabi ili pohlepni kada vas traže pomoć,

they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable

da im posve promiče koliko vas stavljaju

they're making you feel.

u neugodnu situaciju.

And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you

I usput -- kako bih ja mogla osjećati zadovoljstvo u pomaganju vama,

if you really hated having to ask me for help?

ako vam je zaista tako mrsko pitati me za pomoć?

And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable

I dok je posve prihvatljivo

to pay strangers to do things for you,

platiti strancima da učine nešto za vas,

you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing

morate biti vrlo, vrlo oprezni kada potičete na to

your friends and coworkers.

svoje prijatelje ili kolege.

When you have a relationship with someone,

Kada ste u vezi s nekim,

helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

međusobno pomaganje je zapravo prirodna sastavnica te veze.

It's how we show one another that we care.

Tako dokazujemo jedni drugima da nam je stalo.

If you introduce incentives or payments into that,

Ako u to uključite neki poticaj ili uplatu,

what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship,

može se dogoditi da se to prestane doživljavati kao veza,

it's a transaction.

to je transakcija.

And that actually is experienced as distancing,

I to može biti doživljeno kao udaljavanje,

which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

a to, ironično, čini da su ljudi manje raspoloženi da vam pomognu.

So a spontaneous gift

Tako je spontani dar

after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude --

nakon što vam netko pomogne, kako biste iskazali poštovanje i zahvalnost --

perfectly fine.

potpuno u redu.

An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment

Ponuda da platite najboljem prijatelju pomoć pri selidbi u novi stan

is not.

nije u redu.

OK, third rule,

Treće pravilo,

and I really mean this one:

i ovo stvarno mislim:

please do not ask for help

molim vas, ne tražite pomoć

over email or text.

putem emaila ili sms poruke.

Really, seriously, please don't.

Zaista, ozbiljno, molim vas, nemojte.

Email and text are impersonal.

Email i poruke su neosobni.

I realize sometimes there's no alternative,

Razumijem da ponekad nema drugog izbora,

but mostly what happens is,

ali obično se događa

we like to ask for help over email and text

da pitamo za pomoć putem emaila ili poruke

because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

zato što nam djeluje manje čudno.

You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

Znate što još djeluje manje čudno putem emaila ili poruke?

Telling you no.

Odbijanje.

And it turns out, there's research to support this.

Ispostavlja se da istraživanje podupire ovu tvrdnju.

In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes

Osobni zahtjevi za pomoć 30 puta su vjerojatniji da završe pristajanjem

than a request made by email.

nego zahtjev putem emaila.

So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

Pa ako se radi o nečem doista važnom i doista vam treba nečija pomoć,

make face time to make the request,

nađite vremena da osobno uputite zahtjev,

or use your phone as a phone --

ili upotrijebite svoj telefon kao telefon --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

to ask for the help that you need.

da zatražite pomoć koja vam je potrebna.

OK.

U redu.

Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one

Posljednje, i ovo je zapravo vrlo, vrlo važno

and probably the one that is most overlooked

i vjerojatno najzanemarenije

when it comes to asking for help:

kada se radi o traženju pomoći:

when you ask someone for their help and they say yes,

kada zatražite nečiju pomoć i oni pristanu,

follow up with them afterward.

javite im se nakon toga.

There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping

Česta je pogrešna predodžba kako je pri pomaganju

is the act of helping itself.

sam čini pomoći nagrada za sebe.

This is not true.

To nije istina.

What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed,

Nagrada pri pomaganju je znati da je vaša pomoć uspjela,

that it had impact,

da je imala utjecaj,

that you were effective.

da ste bili učinkoviti.

If I have no idea how my help affected you,

Ako ja nemam pojma kako je moja pomoć utjecala na vas,

how am I supposed to feel about it?

kako bih se trebala osjećati?

This happened; I was a university professor for many years,

Ovo se dogodilo; bila sam sveučilišna profesorica dugi niz godina,

I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation

pisala sam brojna pisma preporuke

for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

za ljude koji su tražili posao ili upisivali doktorski studij.

And probably about 95 percent of them,

Za vjerojatno oko 95 posto njih

I have no idea what happened.

nemam pojma što se dogodilo.

Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that,

Kako da se osjećam zbog vremena i truda koje sam uložila da vam to učinim,

when I really have no idea if I helped you,

kada zapravo ne znam jesam li vam pomogla,

if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

je li vam to zapravo pomoglo da dobijete što ste željeli?

In fact, this idea of feeling effective

U biti, ovaj pojam osjećaja učinkovitosti

is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

je zašto su određene vrste apela za doniranje toliko uvjerljive --

because they allow you to really vividly imagine

jer vam dopuštaju da vrlo slikovito zamislite

the effect that your help is going to have.

učinak koji će vaša pomoć imati.

Take something like DonorsChoose.

Uzmimo primjerice DonorsChoose.

You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name

Odete na internet, možete odabrati određenog učitelja poimence

whose classroom you're going to be able to help

čijoj ćete učionici pomoći,

by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

doslovno kupujući određene predmete koje su zatražili,

like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

poput mikroskopa, laptopa ili sklopivih sjedala.

An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine

Takav zahtjev čini da vrlo jednostavno zamislim

the good that my money will do,

dobrobit koju će moj novac omogućiti,

that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness

da dobivam izravan osjećaj učinkovitosti

the minute I commit to giving.

iste minute kada se obavežem na davanje.

But you know what else they do?

Ali znate li što još oni čine?

They follow up.

Oni vam se jave.

Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

Donatori primaju pisma od djece iz te učionice.

They get pictures.

Primaju slike.

They get to know that they made a difference.

Daje im se na znanje da su učinili razliku.

And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives,

To je nešto što svi trebamo činiti u svakodnevnom životu,

especially if we want people to continue to give us help

pogotovo ako želimo da nam ljudi nastave pružati pomoć

over the long term.

u dužem razdoblju.

Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you

Uzmite vremena da kažete svom kolegi da vam je njegova pružena pomoć

really helped you land that big sale,

doista pomogla da ostvarite veliku prodaju,

or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

ili da vam je pomogla da dobijete razgovor za posao kojem ste se nadali.

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you

Uzmite vremena da kažete svom partneru da vam je podrška koju vam je pružio

really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

doista omogućila da se probijete kroz teško razdoblje.

Take time to tell your catsitter

Uzmite vremena da kažete osobi koja vam čuva mačku

that you're super happy that for some reason,

kako ste jako sretni da iz nekog razloga

this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

mačke nisu ništa polupale dok vas nije bilo,

and so they must have done a really good job.

pa znači da je ta osoba sigurno odradila jako dobar posao.

The bottom line is:

Poanta je sljedeća:

I know -- believe me, I know --

ja znam -- vjerujte mi, ja znam --

that it is not easy to ask for help.

da nije jednostavno zatražiti pomoć.

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

Svi se pomalo bojimo to učiniti.

It makes us feel vulnerable.

To nas čini ranjivima.

But the reality of modern work and modern life

Ali stvarnost modernog rada i modernog života

is that nobody does it alone.

jest da nitko to ne radi sam.

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

Nitko ne uspijeva u vakuumu.

More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people,

Više nego ikada se stvarno moramo osloniti na druge,

on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

na njihovu podršku i suradnju, kako bismo bili uspješni.

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

Pa kada trebate pomoć, naglas je zatražite.

And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances

A kada to činite, neka to bude na način koji povećava šanse

that you'll get a yes

da dobijete "da" kao odgovor,

and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

i koji čini da se osoba osjeća sjajno jer vam je pomogla,

because you both deserve it.

jer oboje to zaslužujete.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)