How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

翻译人员: psjmz mz 校对人员: Ziyao Wang

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right?

求助可以说是最糟糕的事了，对吗？

I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists

它却没有被列入人们最害怕的

of things people fear,

十大事物之中，

比如公众演讲

like public speaking

and death,

和死亡，

but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there.

但我非常确定它 属于这类事物。

Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

尽管不愿承认我们 需要帮助是愚蠢的，

whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker

无论是向爱人， 朋友，同事，

or even from a stranger,

甚至陌生人求助。

somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing

求助总会让我们感到

to actually ask for help,

有点不适和尴尬，

which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help

当然，这也是我们 大多数人尽可能

whenever humanly possible.

避免求助的原因。

My father was one of those legions of fathers

我父亲就是那 “父亲军团”的一员，

who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp

我发誓，他宁愿开车 穿过鳄鱼出没的沼泽，

than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road.

也不愿意找人 帮助他开回大路。

When I was a kid, we took a family vacation.

我记得小时候有一次 全家出去度假。

We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg.

从位于南新泽西州的家驱车 前往前殖民地威廉斯堡。

And I remember we got really badly lost.

我记得我们完全迷路了。

My mother and I pleaded with him

我和妈妈恳求他

to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway,

把车停在路边， 向别人询问回高速公路的路，

and he absolutely refused,

他直接拒绝了，

and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost,

事实上他向我们 保证他没有迷路，

he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

他只是想四处看看。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So if we're going to ask for help --

因此如果我们要求助——

and we have to, we all do, practically every day --

这是我们几乎每天都会做， 而且需要做的——

the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it

我们适应它的方法

is to get good at it,

是变得善于求助，

to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone,

去增加我们求助时

they're actually going to say yes.

别人答应帮助的概率。

And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying

不仅如此，他们还会发现自己 能够在帮助我们的过程中

and rewarding to help you,

获得满足和回报，

because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

因此他们就有动力 继续在将来帮助我们。

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done

我和我同事做的一些研究

has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes

对人们为什么 有时会伸出援手，

to our requests for help

有时候则不，

and why sometimes they say no.

提供了一些解释。

Now let me just start by saying right now:

现在让我们进入主题：

if you need help,

如果我们需要帮助，

you are going to have to ask for it.

我们就得开口。

Out loud.

大声说出来。

OK?

可以吗？

We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call

我们在某种程度上 都有心理学家常说的

"the illusion of transparency" --

“被洞悉错觉”——

basically, the mistaken belief

这说的是我们的 一种错觉，

that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs

我们总觉得自己的 思想、感觉和需要

are really obvious to other people.

对他人而言很明显。

This is not true, but we believe it.

事实并非如此， 但我们相信这点。

And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs

所以我们只是干等在那儿， 等待有人注意到我们的需求，

and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

然后主动提出帮助我们。

This is a really, really bad assumption.

这是一个非常糟糕的假设。

In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

事实上，不仅说出 我们的需求很难，

but even the people close to you often struggle to understand

而且我们身边的人 也往往琢磨不透

how they can support you.

应该如何支持我们。

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit

我的伴侣不得不 养成一个习惯，

of asking me multiple times a day,

每天问我很多次，

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

“现在怎样？ 你需要什么吗？”

because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

因为在需要帮助时， 我太不擅长发出信号。

Now, he is more patient than I deserve

现在，他给予了我更多耐心，

and much more proactive, much more, about helping

更积极主动， 更乐于助人，

than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

我们通常没有权利要求 别人这样对我们。

So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

所以如果我们需要帮助， 我们必须开口。

And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help,

另外，即便有人 看出来我们需要帮助，

how do they know that you want it?

他们怎么知道 我们需要什么？

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out,

大家有没有试过 主动帮助别人，

did not actually want your help in the first place?

结果人家根本就 不想让你帮？

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

他们很快就会厌恶，对吧？

The other day -- true story --

这是个真实的故事——

my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

前些天，我十几岁的女儿 穿好衣服准备上学，

and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

我决定自发地 给她一些帮助。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

我碰巧觉得她 穿亮色衣服好看。

She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

但她通常喜欢偏深、 中性的色调。

And so I said, very helpfully,

于是我试着说，

that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs

也许她可以回到楼上，

and try to find something a little less somber.

试着找件颜色 不那么阴沉的衣服穿。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So, if looks could kill,

如果眼神能杀人的话，

I would not be standing here right now.

我现在就不会 站在这里了。

We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us

我们不能责怪别人 不主动帮助我们，

when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

特别是当对方不知道 我们需要什么时。

In fact, actually, research shows

事实上，研究显示

that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace

工作时同事之间 百分之九十的帮助

is in response to explicit requests for help.

是响应明确的 求助请求的。

So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right?

所以我们得说： “我需要你的帮助“。

There's no getting around it.

这是无法回避的。

Now, to be good at it,

想要做好它，

to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

确保当我们寻求帮助时， 人们会帮我们，

there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

请记住一些非常有用的做法。

First thing: when you ask for help,

第一点：当我们求助时，

be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

一定要准确地阐述 我们要的帮助和原因。

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

含糊、间接的求助

actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

对于帮助者其实 不是很有用，不是吗？

We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

他们的确不知道我们 想得到的帮助是什么，

and, just as important,

同样重要的是，

we don't know whether or not we can be successful

他们不知道是否能够

in giving you the help.

成功帮助我们。

Nobody wants to give bad help.

没人想帮倒忙。

Like me, you probably get some of these requests

大家或许像我一样， 在领英收到过

from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn

来自非常友好的 陌生人的邀请，

who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

这些人想做一些 “喝杯咖啡、聊个天”

or "pick your brain."

或“向你请教一下” 之类的事情。

I ignore these requests literally every time.

我每次都忽略这些请求。

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

这并不是因为 我不够友好。

It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me,

只是我不知道他们 想从我这里得到什么，

like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide,

以及希望我能 提供哪种帮助，

I'm not interested.

我就不感兴趣。

Nobody is.

没人会有兴趣。

I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said

如果他们能直接说出 任何他们想从我这里

whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

获得的帮助，我就会更有兴趣，

because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

因为我很肯定他们有些具体的想法。

所以要开口，

So go ahead and say,

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

“我想和你谈谈贵司 有没有工作机会。”

or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project

或“我想提出一个你一定 会非常感兴趣的领域的

in an area I know you're interested in,"

联合研究项目。”

or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

或者，“我想听听你对 读医学院的建议。”

Technically, I can't help you with that last one

说实话，我不能帮助 解决最后一个请求，

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

因为我不是医生，

but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

但我可以指明谁可以 提供帮助。

OK, second tip.

好了，第二个技巧。

This is really important:

这点真的很重要：

please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

请不要用免责声明， 道歉和贿赂。

Really, really important.

真的，这非常重要。

Do any of these sound familiar?

这些听起来熟悉吗？

(Clears throat)

（清嗓子）

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

“我非常、非常抱歉 要请求你件事情”。

"I really hate bothering you with this."

“我真的非常不想麻烦你”。

"If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

“如果没有你能做成 这事的话，我一定会的”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove

有时候这让人感觉， 他们是如此渴望去证明

that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

他们寻求帮助时， 不是因为软弱和贪婪，

they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable

但他们完全忽视了这样做会

they're making you feel.

让我们感到不舒服。

And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you

顺便问一句， 如果他们讨厌求助我，

if you really hated having to ask me for help?

我怎会觉得帮助他们是 让我感到满足的事呢？

And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable

虽然付费给陌生人 帮我们做事情

to pay strangers to do things for you,

是完全可以接受的，

you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing

当涉及到激励 我们的朋友和同事时，

your friends and coworkers.

我们要非常小心。

When you have a relationship with someone,

如果我们跟某人关系很好,

helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

彼此帮助就是那段关系 很自然的部分。

It's how we show one another that we care.

这是我们展示 关心彼此的方式。

If you introduce incentives or payments into that,

如果我们在这种关系中 加入激励或者付费，

what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship,

会让人觉得这不是段关系，

it's a transaction.

而是个交易。

And that actually is experienced as distancing,

这其实会让人 产生一种距离感，

which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

更讽刺的事，这反而 会让人更不愿意帮助我们。

So a spontaneous gift

所以，在别人帮助我们后，

after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude --

我们可以用更淳朴的礼物 来表达感激之情——

perfectly fine.

这样做就很好。

An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment

付钱给帮我们 搬进新公寓的朋友

就不是好做法。

is not.

OK, third rule,

第三点，

and I really mean this one:

我想说的是：

please do not ask for help

请不要通过邮件 或者短信

over email or text.

请求帮助。

Really, seriously, please don't.

我是认真的， 请不要那样做。

Email and text are impersonal.

邮件和短信 很不正式。

I realize sometimes there's no alternative,

我知道有时候没得选，

but mostly what happens is,

但多数情况下，

we like to ask for help over email and text

我们喜欢通过邮件 或短信求助，

because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

是因为这样做我们 不会感到那么尴尬。

You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

有什么比用邮件和短信 求助更尴尬的吗？

Telling you no.

没有。

And it turns out, there's research to support this.

事实上，有研究 支持这个观点。

In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes

当面请求得到 帮助的可能性

than a request made by email.

比发邮件高30倍。

So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

所以当一件事真的很重要， 我们需要人的帮助时，

make face time to make the request,

当面提出这个请求，

or use your phone as a phone --

或者只用手机通过打电话——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

to ask for the help that you need.

去寻求我们需要的帮助。

OK.

好了。

Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one

最后一点也非常重要，

and probably the one that is most overlooked

它可能是寻求帮助时

when it comes to asking for help:

最容易被忽视的一点：

when you ask someone for their help and they say yes,

当我们寻求别人的帮助 并得到肯定回答时，

follow up with them afterward.

事后与他们保持联系。

There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping

人们普遍有种误解， 认为帮助别人的回报

is the act of helping itself.

在于帮助本身。

This is not true.

事实并非如此。

What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed,

帮助的回报是知道 你的帮助落实了，

that it had impact,

它产生了影响，

that you were effective.

你的帮忙是有效的。

If I have no idea how my help affected you,

如果我根本不知道 我的帮助如何影响你，

how am I supposed to feel about it?

我对这帮助 会有何感想？

This happened; I was a university professor for many years,

这种事情发生过： 我当大学教授很多年，

I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation

写了很多的推荐信，

for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

帮学生找工作 或申请研究生院。

And probably about 95 percent of them,

其中有大约95%

I have no idea what happened.

我都不知道之后 发生了什么。

Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that,

当我不知道 我是否帮助了你，

when I really have no idea if I helped you,

是否帮助你得到 你想要的东西时，

if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

我该如何看待我花在 这件事上的时间和精力？

In fact, this idea of feeling effective

事实上，这种 感觉有效的想法是

is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

某些捐助的呼吁 如此有说服力的原因，

because they allow you to really vividly imagine

因为它们能让 我们生动地想象

the effect that your help is going to have.

我们的帮助将产生的效果。

Take something like DonorsChoose.

比如 DonorsChoose。

You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name

我们在网上选择 我们想给予帮助的

whose classroom you're going to be able to help

教室的老师的名字。

by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

为他们购买他们 请求的特定商品，

like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

比如显微镜、笔记本电脑 和可调节高度的座椅。

An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine

这就让我很容易想象

the good that my money will do,

我的钱将会起到的作用，

that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness

在我做出捐赠的那一刻，

the minute I commit to giving.

就感觉有一种 立竿见影的效果。

But you know what else they do?

但你知道他们 还会做什么吗？

They follow up.

他们还会跟捐助者 保持联系。

Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

捐赠者会收到教室里 学生的来信。

They get pictures.

他们会收到照片。

They get to know that they made a difference.

他们知道他们对别人 产生了影响。

And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives,

这是我们在生活中 都应该做的事情，

especially if we want people to continue to give us help

尤其当我们想要人们

over the long term.

长期帮助我们时。

Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you

花时间告诉我们的同事 他们给予的帮助

really helped you land that big sale,

帮助我们谈成了 那笔大买卖，

or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

或帮助我们得到了 很想要的面试机会。

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you

花时间告诉我们的伴侣 他们给予的帮助

really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

帮助我们度过了 艰难的时光。

Take time to tell your catsitter

花点时间告诉帮助你照顾猫的人，

that you're super happy that for some reason,

我们很高兴，

this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

因为这次我们不在的时候， 猫没有打坏任何东西，

and so they must have done a really good job.

他们做得棒极了。

The bottom line is:

归根结底：

I know -- believe me, I know --

相信我——我知道——

that it is not easy to ask for help.

寻求帮助并不容易。

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

我们都有点害怕这样做。

It makes us feel vulnerable.

这让我们感到脆弱。

But the reality of modern work and modern life

但现代的工作和生活

不是我们可以 独自应对的。

is that nobody does it alone.

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

没人能独自成功。

More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people,

事实上，我们比以往 更需要依靠他人，

on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

有了他们的支持和配合， 我们才能成功。

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

所以需要帮助时， 大声说出来。

And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances

用可以提高 得到肯定回答概率

that you'll get a yes

的方法去做，

and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

另外，确保他人因为 帮助我们而感到快乐，

because you both deserve it.

因为这是帮助者应得的。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）