Angela Patton: A father-daughter dance ... in prison | TED

69,140 views ・ 2013-01-14

TED


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Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast
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I was sitting with my girls,
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and Joy said,
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"Dang, I wish he'd get off my back.
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My daddy, he calls me all the time."
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"Lucky for you he calls at all," said Jasmine.
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"I haven't heard from my dad in years."
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At this moment, I knew the girls needed a way
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to connect with their fathers.
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At Camp Diva, my non-profit organization,
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we have these types of conversations all the time
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as a way to help girls of African descent
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prepare for their passage into womanhood.
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These girls just needed
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a way to invite their fathers into their lives
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on their own terms.
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So I asked the girls,
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"How can we help other girls
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develop healthy relationships with their fathers?"
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"Let's have a dance," one girl shouted,
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and all the girls quickly backed her up.
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They started dreaming about the decorations,
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invitations, the dresses they were going to wear,
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and what their fathers could and could not wear. (Laughter)
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It was off and running before I could even blink my eyes,
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but even if I could have slowed down those girls,
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I wouldn't have,
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because one thing that I have learned
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from over a decade of working with girls
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is that they already know what they need.
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The wisdom lives inside of them.
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As long as they have infrastructure,
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mentorship and resources,
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they can build what they need,
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not only to survive, but to thrive.
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So we had a dance,
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and girls and their fathers came in multitudes.
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They were dressed to the nines.
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They acted sweet.
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(Laughter)
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They acted silly.
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They really enjoyed each other's company.
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It was a huge success.
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And the girls decided to make it an annual event.
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So as the seasons changed,
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and it was time to plan the dance again,
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one girl named Brianna spoke up,
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and she said,
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"My dad can't come to the dance,
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and this whole thing is making me sad."
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"Why not?" the girls asked.
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"Because he's in jail," she bravely admitted.
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"Well, can he just get out for a day?" one of the girls asked. (Laughter)
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"And come in shackles?
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That's worse than not having him here at all."
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At this moment, I saw an opportunity
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for the girls to rise to the occasion
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and to become their own heroes.
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So I asked, "What do you think we should do about this?
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We want every girl to experience the dance, right?"
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So the girls thought for a moment,
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and one girl suggested,
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"Why don't we just take the dance in the jail?"
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Most of the girls doubted the possibility of that,
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and said, "Are you crazy?
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Who is going to allow a bunch of little girls,
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dressed up — " (Laughter)
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" — to come inside a jail and dance with their daddies in Spongebob suits?"
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Because that's what they called them.
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I said, "Girls, well, well,
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you never know unless you ask."
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So a letter was written to the Richmond City Sheriff,
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signed collectively by each girl,
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and I would have to say, he is a very special sheriff.
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He contacted me immediately and said,
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whenever there is an opportunity to bring families inside,
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his doors are always open.
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Because one thing he did know,
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that when fathers are connected to their children,
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it is less likely that they will return.
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So,
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16 inmates and 18 girls were invited.
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The girls were dressed in their Sunday best,
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and the fathers traded in their yellow and blue jumpsuits
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for shirts and ties.
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They hugged.
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They shared a full catered meal of chicken and fish.
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They laughed together.
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It was beautiful.
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The fathers and daughters even experienced
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an opportunity to have a physical connection,
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something that a lot of them didn't even have
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for a while.
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Fathers were in a space where they were able to
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make their daughter's plate,
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and pull out her chair and extend his hand for a dance.
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Even the guards cried.
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But after the dance,
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we all realized that Dad still would be in jail.
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So we needed to create something
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that they could take with them.
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So we brought in Flip cams,
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and we had them look at the Flip cams
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and just interview each other --
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their messages, their thoughts.
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This was going to be used as a touchstone
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so when they started to miss each other
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and feel disconnected,
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they could reconnect through this image.
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I'll never forget that one girl looked in her father's eyes
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with that camera and said,
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"Daddy, when you look at me, what do you see?"
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Because our daddies are our mirrors
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that we reflect back on
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when we decide about what type of man we deserve,
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and how they see us for the rest of our lives.
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I know that very well,
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because I was one of the lucky girls.
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I have had
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my father in my life always.
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He's even here today.
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(Applause)
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And that is why it is extremely special
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for me to make sure that these girls
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are connected to their fathers,
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especially those who are separated
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because of barbed wires and metal doors.
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We have just created a form
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for girls who have heavy questions on their heart
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to be in a position to ask their fathers those questions
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and given the fathers the freedom to answer.
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Because we know that the fathers
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are even leaving with this one thought:
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What type of woman am I preparing to put in the world?
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Because a father is locked in
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does not mean he should be locked out
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of his daughter's life.
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(Applause)
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