An Ode to Envy | Parul Sehgal | TED Talks

譯者: William Choi 審譯者: Willy Feng

So when I was eight years old,

當我八歲的時候，

a new girl came to join the class,

班裡來了位新的女同學，

and she was so impressive,

她是那麼令人印象深刻，

as the new girl always seems to be.

好像新來的女生應該就是那樣的。

She had vast quantities of very shiny hair

她的秀髮豐盈且有光澤，

and a cute little pencil case,

她有一個小巧玲瓏的文具盒，

super strong on state capitals,

家境豐厚，

just a great speller.

出色的拼寫能力。

And I just curdled with jealousy that year,

那年我心中一直嫉妒氣得發抖，

until I hatched my devious plan.

直至我策劃了一個陰謀。

So one day I stayed a little late after school,

有一天，我放學後在學校留了一陣子，

a little too late, and I lurked in the girls' bathroom.

確實有點兒晚，而我躲藏在女廁所，

When the coast was clear, I emerged,

當學校沒有人之後，我就溜了出來，

crept into the classroom,

悄悄地潛入教室，

and took from my teacher's desk the grade book.

從老師桌子上拿到了成績紀錄簿，

And then I did it.

我真的這樣做了，

I fiddled with my rival's grades,

我竄改了競爭對手的成績，

just a little, just demoted some of those A's.

只是改了一點點，把一些 A 降級，

All of those A's. (Laughter)

其實是所有的 A 。（笑聲）

And I got ready to return the book to the drawer,

當我準備要把那本紀錄簿放回抽屜時，

when hang on, some of my other classmates

等等，同班的其他同學

had appallingly good grades too.

也有令人震驚的好成績。

So, in a frenzy,

於是，在狂亂中，

I corrected everybody's marks,

我改了每個人的分數

not imaginatively.

不是假想的。

I gave everybody a row of D's

我給每個人一整行 D ，

and I gave myself a row of A's,

之後給自己一整行 A ，

just because I was there, you know, might as well.

只是因為我在那裡， 你知道啦，你也會這樣做的。

And I am still baffled by my behavior.

我現在仍然對自己的行為感到不解。

I don't understand where the idea came from.

我不知道這樣的意念是從哪兒來的。

I don't understand why I felt so great doing it.

我不知道為什麼這樣做會感到爽快。

I felt great.

我感覺很棒。

I don't understand why I was never caught.

我不知道為什麼從來沒被抓到。

I mean, it should have been so blatantly obvious.

我是說，這應該是顯而易見吧。

I was never caught.

我一直沒被抓到。

But most of all, I am baffled by,

但最重要的，讓我覺得難解的是，

why did it bother me so much

為什麼這位個子小小的女孩，

that this little girl, this tiny little girl,

如此擅長於拼寫，

was so good at spelling?

會讓我覺得十分困擾？

Jealousy baffles me.

嫉妒令我感到困惑。

It's so mysterious, and it's so pervasive.

它是如此神秘，又是如此無孔不入。

We know babies suffer from jealousy.

我們知道嬰兒們會嫉妒。

We know primates do. Bluebirds are actually very prone.

我們知道靈長類動物也會。 藍色知更鳥事實上也非常易妒。

We know that jealousy is the number one cause

我們知道在美國嫉妒是

of spousal murder in the United States.

配偶謀殺案之頭號原因。

And yet, I have never read a study

然而，我從沒讀過一項研究

that can parse to me its loneliness

可以解析它的孤寂

or its longevity or its grim thrill.

它的期限，或者它的嚴峻挑戰。

For that, we have to go to fiction,

就是因為這點，我們必須看小說，

because the novel is the lab

因為小說是個

that has studied jealousy

在每一個合理的佈局下

in every possible configuration.

來研究嫉妒的實驗室。

In fact, I don't know if it's an exaggeration to say

事實上，我不知道這樣說是否太誇張，

that if we didn't have jealousy,

如果我們沒有嫉妒心，

would we even have literature?

那還會有文學嗎?

Well no faithless Helen, no "Odyssey."

沒有不貞的海倫， 就沒有《奧德賽》。

No jealous king, no "Arabian Nights."

沒有易妒的國王，就沒有《天方夜譚》，

No Shakespeare.

也沒有莎士比亞。

There goes high school reading lists,

讓我們看看高中的閱讀書目，

because we're losing "Sound and the Fury,"

因為我們錯失了《喧嘩與騷動》，

we're losing "Gatsby," "Sun Also Rises,"

我們錯失了《大享小傳》、《太陽照常升起》

we're losing "Madame Bovary," "Anna K."

《包法利夫人》、《安娜．卡列妮娜》

No jealousy, no Proust. And now, I mean,

沒有嫉妒，就沒有普魯斯特。我的意思是， (註：普魯斯特是法國小說家)

I know it's fashionable to say that Proust

說「普魯斯特的小說包含所有的答案」

has the answers to everything,

是一個時尚的說法，

but in the case of jealousy,

但是就忌妒這方面來說，

he kind of does.

他又好似有解析。

This year is the centennial of his masterpiece, "In Search of Lost Time,"

今年是他的代表作《追憶似水年華》一百週年，

and it's the most exhaustive study of sexual jealousy

這是有關由愛生妒最詳盡的研究，

and just regular competitiveness, my brand,

和我們希望擁有的

that we can hope to have. (Laughter)

正規競爭、舉止。（笑聲）

And we think about Proust, we think

當我們想到普魯斯特，我們想到

about the sentimental bits, right?

有關多愁善感的細節，對嗎?

We think about a little boy trying to get to sleep.

我們想到一個正嘗試進入夢鄉的小男孩。

We think about a madeleine moistened in lavender tea.

一塊蘸著薰衣草茶的瑪德蓮蛋糕。

We forget how harsh his vision was.

我們忘記他的願景是如此的惡劣，

We forget how pitiless he is.

忘記他是多麼的冷酷無情。

I mean, these are books that Virginia Woolf said

我的意思是，這些書，正如維吉尼亞．吳爾芙所說的， (註：維吉尼亞．吳爾芙是英國小說家)

were tough as cat gut.

如羊腸線般一樣堅韌。

I don't know what cat gut is,

我不知道什麼是羊腸線，

but let's assume it's formidable.

但讓我們假設它是難以對付的。

Let's look at why they go so well together,

讓我們看看他們能走在一起的原因，

the novel and jealousy, jealousy and Proust.

小說和嫉妒、嫉妒和普魯斯特，

Is it something as obvious as that jealousy,

是否某些東西像那個嫉妒一樣明顯，

which boils down into person, desire, impediment,

這歸結為人、 欲望、 障礙，

is such a solid narrative foundation?

是如此實在的敘事基礎嗎？

I don't know. I think it cuts very close to the bone,

我不知道。我想這已經非常接近事實。

because let's think about what happens

因為，讓我們想想

when we feel jealous.

當我們感到嫉妒時會發生的事情。

When we feel jealous, we tell ourselves a story.

當我們感到嫉妒時，我們會告訴自己一個故事。

We tell ourselves a story about other people's lives,

我們告訴自己一個有關其他人生活的故事，

and these stories make us feel terrible

這些故事會使我們覺得可怕

because they're designed to make us feel terrible.

因為它們設計到使我們感到可怕。

As the teller of the tale and the audience,

作為敘事者以及聽眾，

we know just what details to include,

我們知道包括哪些細節，

to dig that knife in. Right?

要掏那把刀，對吧？

Jealousy makes us all amateur novelists,

嫉妒讓所有人成為業餘小說家，

and this is something Proust understood.

而這是普魯斯特理解的東西。

In the first volume, Swann's Way,

在第一卷「在斯萬家那邊」， （註：《追憶似水年華》的第一卷)

the series of books,

這系列的書籍，

Swann, one of the main characters,

斯萬是其中一個主角，

is thinking very fondly of his mistress

常常十分深情地想著情婦，

and how great she is in bed,

和她在床上是多麼的棒，

and suddenly, in the course of a few sentences,

突然間，在幾個句子中，

and these are Proustian sentences,

而這些都是普魯斯特的句子，

so they're long as rivers,

所以它們像河流一樣長，

but in the course of a few sentences,

但在幾個句子中，

he suddenly recoils and he realizes,

他突然往後跳回並意識到，

"Hang on, everything I love about this woman,

「等會兒，我對這個女人所愛的一切

somebody else would love about this woman.

別人都會喜歡。

Everything that she does that gives me pleasure

她所做的的一切使我快樂，

could be giving somebody else pleasure,

也都有可能使別人快樂，

maybe right about now."

也許就是現在。」

And this is the story he starts to tell himself,

這是他開始告訴自己的故事，

and from then on, Proust writes that

從那時起，普魯斯特寫道，

every fresh charm Swann detects in his mistress,

任何一個斯萬發現他情婦身上的鮮活魅力，

he adds to his "collection of instruments

他都會把這些加到他的

in his private torture chamber."

「私人折磨寢室裡的工具收藏間」。

Now Swann and Proust, we have to admit,

現在我們不得不承認，斯萬和普魯斯特

were notoriously jealous.

是臭名遠揚地嫉妒著。

You know, Proust's boyfriends would have to leave

如果普魯斯特的男朋友們要和他分手

the country if they wanted to break up with him.

他們就會出國去。

But you don't have to be that jealous

但你不一定要那麼嫉妒

to concede that it's hard work. Right?

去承認它是艱苦的工作，對吧？

Jealousy is exhausting.

嫉妒令人太累了。

It's a hungry emotion. It must be fed.

它是個飢餓的情緒。它必須被填滿。

And what does jealousy like?

而嫉妒是像什麼樣的呢？

Jealousy likes information.

嫉妒就好像資訊。

Jealousy likes details.

嫉妒就好像細節。

Jealousy likes the vast quantities of shiny hair,

嫉妒就好像那些濃密閃亮的頭髮，

the cute little pencil case.

那個可愛的小小鉛筆盒。

Jealousy likes photos.

嫉妒就好像照片。

That's why Instagram is such a hit. (Laughter)

這就是 Instagram 如此受歡迎的原因。（笑聲） (註：Instagram 是手機上著名的照相app)

Proust actually links the language of scholarship and jealousy.

事實上，普魯斯特把 學術上的語言和嫉妒連結起來。

When Swann is in his jealous throes,

當斯萬在他的嫉妒中陣痛時，

and suddenly he's listening at doorways

突然之間他會在門口偷聽

and bribing his mistress' servants,

和賄賂他情婦的服務生，

he defends these behaviors.

而他為這些行為進行辯護。

He says, "You know, look, I know you think this is repugnant,

他說：「你看看，我知道你會覺得這是令人厭惡，

but it is no different

但這和解讀古代文字比較

from interpreting an ancient text

或注目看著一座紀念碑

or looking at a monument."

並沒有什麼不同。」

He says, "They are scientific investigations

他說：「他們是真正有理智能力的

with real intellectual value."

科學探索。」

Proust is trying to show us that jealousy

普魯斯特想要告訴我們

feels intolerable and makes us look absurd,

嫉妒是不能容忍的，以及令我們顯得很可笑，

but it is, at its crux, a quest for knowledge,

但是，在其癥結所在中，它是一個對知識的追求，

a quest for truth, painful truth,

一個對真相的尋求，對痛苦真相的尋求，

and actually, where Proust is concerned,

實際上，普魯斯特所關注的是

the more painful the truth, the better.

越痛苦的真相越好。

Grief, humiliation, loss:

悲傷，羞辱，遺失：

These were the avenues to wisdom for Proust.

對普魯斯特來說， 這些都是往智慧之門的途徑。

He says, "A woman whom we need,

他說：「那個我們需要的女人

who makes us suffer, elicits from us

那個讓我們痛苦的女人，所誘發的情感

a gamut of feelings far more profound and vital

比一位我們感興趣的天才所激發的

than a man of genius who interests us."

來得更深遠和更重要。」

Is he telling us to just go and find cruel women?

他是否告訴我們 只是去找的那些殘酷的女人嗎？

No. I think he's trying to say

不，我想他想說的是

that jealousy reveals us to ourselves.

嫉妒向我們揭示了我們自己。

And does any other emotion crack us open

是否有其它情感用這種特定的方式

in this particular way?

剖開我們？

Does any other emotion reveal to us

是否其他情感透露了給我們有關

our aggression and our hideous ambition

我們的攻擊性，我們醜陋的雄心

and our entitlement?

和我們的權位？

Does any other emotion teach us to look

是否其他情感教了我們

with such peculiar intensity?

以那種奇特的強度去看世界？

Freud would write about this later.

後來，弗洛伊德對此下筆。

One day, Freud was visited

有一天，

by this very anxious young man who was consumed

一位很著急的年輕人拜訪弗洛伊德

with the thought of his wife cheating on him.

他滿腦子認為他妻子背叛他。

And Freud says, it's something strange about this guy,

弗洛伊德說，這傢伙有點奇怪，

because he's not looking at what his wife is doing.

因為他不是看著他的妻子在做什麼。

Because she's blameless; everybody knows it.

因為大家都知道她是清白的 。

The poor creature is just

那個可憐的生物只是

under suspicion for no cause.

沒由來地懷疑。

But he's looking for things that his wife is doing

而他在觀察他的妻子

without noticing, unintentional behaviors.

沒有留心的無意識行為。

Is she smiling too brightly here,

是否她在這裡微笑得太開懷，

or did she accidentally brush up against a man there?

或者是否她巧恰地在某個男人前掃地？

[Freud] says that the man is becoming

[弗洛伊德] 說這位男子正變成

the custodian of his wife's unconscious.

他妻子之無意識的守護人。

The novel is very good on this point.

小說在這點上很棒。

The novel is very good at describing how jealousy

這本小說很正點地描述了嫉妒是如何

trains us to look with intensity but not accuracy.

鍛鍊我們強有力但不準確的去看待事情。

In fact, the more intensely jealous we are,

事實上，我們嫉妒得越強，

the more we become residents of fantasy.

我們越成為幻想的居民。

And this is why, I think, jealousy doesn't

其原因是，我認為，嫉妒不單是

just provoke us to do violent things

挑起我們做暴力的事

or illegal things.

或違法的事，

Jealousy prompts us to behave in ways

嫉妒還促使我們

that are wildly inventive.

狂野般的創新行為。

Now I'm thinking of myself at eight, I concede,

現在我回想八歲的自己，我承認，

but I'm also thinking of this story I heard on the news.

但我也同時想著我在新聞聽到的故事，

A 52-year-old Michigan woman was caught

一個 52 歲密西根州女子被抓

creating a fake Facebook account

她開了個假的 Facebook 帳戶

from which she sent vile, hideous messages

給她自己發送

to herself for a year.

醜陋可怕的訊息長達一年，

For a year. A year.

一年，整整一年。

And she was trying to frame

她試著誣陷

her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend,

她前男友的新女友，

and I have to confess when I heard this,

而我必須坦白，當我聽見這，

I just reacted with admiration.

我敬佩有加。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Because, I mean, let's be real.

因為，我的意思是，說真的，

What immense, if misplaced, creativity. Right?

如此巨大的，如果放錯了地方，其創造力，對吧？

This is something from a novel.

這是源自小說中的一些東西，

This is something from a Patricia Highsmith novel.

這是源自派翠西亞．海史密斯小說中的東西， （註：派翠西亞．海史密斯是美國犯罪小說家）

Now Highsmith is a particular favorite of mine.

現在海史密斯是我特別喜歡的作家之一。

She is the very brilliant and bizarre woman of American letters.

她非常聰明，而且是美國文學上的奇異女人。

She's the author of "Strangers on a Train"

她是《火車怪客》

and "The Talented Mr. Ripley,"

和 《天才雷普利》的作者，

books that are all about how jealousy,

這些書都是關於嫉妒是如何

it muddles our minds,

使我們的頭腦變胡塗，

and once we're in the sphere, in that realm of jealousy,

一旦我們進入了那個嫉妒的領域中，

the membrane between what is and what could be

這是什麼和可能是什麼之間的界線

can be pierced in an instant.

可以在瞬間被打破。

Take Tom Ripley, her most famous character.

以湯姆．雷普利為例，她最著名的角色。

Now, Tom Ripley goes from wanting you

現在，湯姆．雷普利從想要你

or wanting what you have

或想要你擁有的東西

to being you and having what you once had,

到成為你和擁有你曾有過的東西，

and you're under the floorboards,

而你躺在地板下，

he's answering to your name,

他回應你的名字，

he's wearing your rings,

他戴著你的戒指，

emptying your bank account.

清空你的銀行帳戶。

That's one way to go.

這是一條不歸路。

But what do we do? We can't go the Tom Ripley route.

但我們要做些什麼呢？ 我們不能去走湯姆．雷普利的路。

I can't give the world D's,

我不能給世界一個 D (迪克) (註：指雷普利小說裡的角色 Dickie )

as much as I would really like to, some days.

就像我真的很想在某幾天中可以做到。

And it's a pity, because we live in envious times.

而這很可惜，因為我們生活在嫉妒的時代。

We live in jealous times.

我們生活在嫉妒的時代。

I mean, we're all good citizens of social media,

我是說，我們所有是社交媒體的良好公民，

aren't we, where the currency is envy?

我們不是哪裡有貨幣哪裡有嫉妒嗎？

Does the novel show us a way out? I'm not sure.

這本小說是否顯示我們一條出路嗎？我不確定。

So let's do what characters always do when they're not sure,

所以讓我們做那些角色在他們不確定時

when they are in possession of a mystery.

或當他們迷惘時會做的事。

Let's go to 221B Baker Street

讓我們去到貝克街 221B 號

and ask for Sherlock Holmes.

找夏洛克．福爾摩斯。

When people think of Holmes,

當人們想到福爾摩斯

they think of his nemesis being Professor Moriarty,

他們想到他的對手莫里亞蒂教授，

right, this criminal mastermind.

是的，他是犯罪集團的主腦。

But I've always preferred [Inspector] Lestrade,

但我一直很欣賞雷斯垂德 [探長]

who is the rat-faced head of Scotland Yard

那個在蘇格蘭場的鼠臉人物

who needs Holmes desperately,

急切著需要福爾摩斯，

needs Holmes' genius, but resents him.

需要福爾摩斯的天才，但又怨恨他。

Oh, it's so familiar to me.

哦，這個我好熟悉啊。

So Lestrade needs his help, resents him,

雷斯垂德需要他的幫助，但怨恨他，

and sort of seethes with bitterness over the course of the mysteries.

在謎團中的辛酸內翻騰。

But as they work together, something starts to change,

但在當他們一起工作，事情開始改變，

and finally in "The Adventure of the Six Napoleons,"

而最後的「六座拿破崙」 中，

once Holmes comes in, dazzles everybody with his solution,

福爾摩斯進來，他的解答令每個人讚歎，

Lestrade turns to Holmes and he says,

雷斯垂德轉過身對福爾摩斯說：

"We're not jealous of you, Mr. Holmes.

「我們不是嫉妒你，福爾摩斯先生。

We're proud of you."

我們為你感到驕傲。」

And he says that there's not a man at Scotland Yard

他說在蘇格蘭場那裡

who wouldn't want to shake Sherlock Holmes' hand.

沒有人不想和夏洛克．福爾摩斯握手。

It's one of the few times we see Holmes moved

這是我們少數幾次看到福爾摩斯

in the mysteries, and I find it very moving,

被謎團感動，我也覺得它很令人感動，

this little scene, but it's also mysterious, right?

這個小小的場景，但它也是個謎團，對吧?

It seems to treat jealousy

它似乎把嫉妒視為

as a problem of geometry, not emotion.

幾何的問題，而不是感情的問題。

You know, one minute Holmes is on the other side from Lestrade.

你知道，一分鐘前福爾摩斯 並沒有和雷斯垂德站在同一邊。

The next minute they're on the same side.

下一分鐘他們站在同一邊。

Suddenly, Lestrade is letting himself

突然間，雷斯垂德讓他自己

admire this mind that he's resented.

佩服那位他憤恨的人。

Could it be so simple though?

這會如此簡單不過吧？

What if jealousy really is a matter of geometry,

如果嫉妒真的只是幾何問題，

just a matter of where we allow ourselves to stand

那只是讓我們自己站在

in relation to another?

另一位站的相對位置？

Well, maybe then we wouldn't have to resent

也許我們不一定會

somebody's excellence.

怨恨某人的卓越。

We could align ourselves with it.

我們可以將自己與它對齊。

But I like contingency plans.

但我喜歡應變計畫，

So while we wait for that to happen,

所以當我們等待這種情況發生時，

let us remember that we have fiction for consolation.

讓我們記住我們有小說來做安慰的。

Fiction alone demystifies jealousy.

小說揭除嫉妒的神秘面紗。

Fiction alone domesticates it,

小說也馴化了它，

invites it to the table.

邀請它到桌上，

And look who it gathers:

看看它收集了誰：

sweet Lestrade, terrifying Tom Ripley,

甜美的雷斯垂德，可怕的湯姆．雷普利

crazy Swann, Marcel Proust himself.

瘋狂的斯萬，也就是馬塞爾．普魯斯特本人。

We are in excellent company.

我們在優秀的人群中。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）