How to connect with depressed friends | Bill Bernat

翻译人员: Linda Lai 校对人员: Danyang Luo

The one conversation that uplifted me more than any other in my life

在我的一生中， 最受鼓舞的一次交谈

was with a woman who told me

是与一位女士，她告诉我

how, a few days earlier,

几天前她是如何

she drove her Jeep Wrangler to the edge of the Grand Canyon

把她的吉普牧马人开到大峡谷边上，

and sat there, revving the engine,

坐在那里，加大油门，

thinking about driving over.

想着要不要开下去。

Even though I had severe social anxiety,

虽然我有严重的社交焦虑

in that conversation, I was totally at ease.

但在那次谈话中，我是完全放松的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

She told me what was going on in her life

她跟我讲她最近生活中发生的事，

in the days and months leading up,

包括这之前的几天或几个月时间里

what her thoughts were at that exact moment,

以及那时她在想什么，

why she wanted to die,

为什么她想结束生命，

and why she didn't do it.

以及为什么没有自杀。

We nodded and half-smiled,

我们点点头，微笑着。

and then it was my turn to talk about my journey

接下来轮到我对全桌人 讲述我的经历了，

to a dining table in the hygienic community area

那是在一座山城医院 的心理健康诊室

of the mental health wing of a mountain-town hospital.

社区卫生中心的一张餐桌旁，

I took too many sleeping pills,

我服用了过多的安眠药。

and after they treated me for that,

我接受治疗后，

they were like, "Hey, we would love it if you would be our guest

他们说：” 嗨，我们很欢迎你

in the psych ward."

住进我们的精神病房。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We joked that her suicide would have made a way better postcard.

我们开玩笑说，她自杀的照片 可以做成相当不错的明信片。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We talked shop.

我们还讨论了各自的经历。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

She allowed me to be deeply depressed

她让我在重度抑郁的时候

and have a genuine connection to another person, simultaneously.

仍可以与其他人有真诚的交流。

For the first time,

这是第一次，

I identified as somebody living with depression,

我被诊断患有抑郁症，

and I felt good about it --

但我自我感觉良好——

like I wasn't a bad person for it.

觉得不会因此 就变成了不受欢迎的人。

Now imagine one of the people at that table was a member of your family

想象一下如果饭桌上有你的家人，

or a close friend.

或者好朋友，

Would you be comfortable talking to them?

你还能这么自在地 跟他们交谈吗？

What if instead of the hospital,

假如他们不是在医院，

they were at your kitchen table

而是在你家里的餐桌上，

and told you they were really depressed?

告诉你他们感到非常抑郁呢？

The World Health Organization

世界卫生组织的数据表明，

says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide,

抑郁作为世界范围内 导致不健康和残疾的主要原因，

影响着 3.5 亿人。

affecting 350 million people.

The National Institute of Mental Health

美国国家心理卫生研究所 也在报告中指出，

reports seven percent of Americans experiencing depression in a year.

每年有 7% 的美国人 受到抑郁症的困扰。

So depression is super common,

抑郁症是非常普遍的。

yet in my experience,

但是在我看来，

most folks don't want to talk to depressed people

大多数人不喜欢 与患抑郁症的人交谈，

unless we pretend to be happy.

除非我们假装成很高兴的样子。

A cheerful facade is appropriate for casual interactions.

假装愉快对于偶然的交流是合适的。

A depressed person can ask for extra syrup in their pumpkin spice latte

抑郁的人会要求在他 的南瓜拿铁中加双份糖浆。

without explaining that they need it

但不会解释他们需要这个

because they're trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul

是因为他们陷入了 灵魂的无尽黑暗中，

and they've lost all hope of escape --

并且已经没有了逃出的希望。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

again.

又来了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Depression doesn't diminish a person's desire

抑郁并不会让人们丧失

to connect with other people,

与其他人交流的意愿，

just their ability.

只是丧失了交流的能力。

So in spite of what you might think,

或许你不同意，

talking to friends and family living with depression

但与抑郁的家人或朋友交谈

can be really easy and maybe even fun.

可以非常容易，甚至有趣。

Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga- at-an-underground-party fun --

不是像在 Facebook 上发和 Lady Gaga 在地下派对的自拍的那种有趣——

I'm talking about the kind of fun

我说的有趣是指，

where people enjoy each other's company effortlessly.

人们可以毫不费力地 享受彼此的陪伴，

Nobody feels awkward,

不会有人觉得尴尬，

and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.

也不会有人指责 抑郁的那个人破坏了假期。

Why does this chasm even exist?

为什么会有这种隔阂存在？

On the one side,

一方面，

you have people living with depression

有些陷入抑郁的人

who may act in off-putting or confusing ways

或许会表现得令人扫兴或者困窘，

because they're fighting a war in their head

因为他们的大脑里有一场

that nobody else can see.

没有人看得到的思想斗争。

On the other side,

另一方面，

the vast majority of people look across the chasm

大多数人会忽略隔阂，

and shake their heads,

握着他们的手，

like, "Why you gotta be so depressed?"

问：“ 你为什么这么不高兴呢？”

You may recognize a divide like this in your life.

在你的生活中也许 也会发现这种隔阂，

Do you want to build a bridge across it?

你想架一座桥跨越它？

You may not want to build a bridge --

也许你并不想——

and that's a totally valid choice.

这是一个完全正确的选择。

Or maybe you'd like to build a stronger connection,

或者也许你想要建立更牢固的联系，

but you have a lot of questions and concerns.

但是你有很多问题和担忧。

You're what I might call "bridge curious."

你就是那个我称为“好奇桥"的人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Here are some possible reasons

可能是以下这些原因，

why some of you may avoid depressed people.

令大家不愿意接触抑郁的人。

You might be afraid

也许你是害怕，

that if you talk to somebody while they're depressed,

当你与抑郁期的人说话时，

you're suddenly responsible for their well-being.

你突然就要对他们的健康负责了。

You're not expected to be Dr. Phil.

你并不想成为心理辅导大师，

Just be friendly --

只是想表达友好——

more like Ellen.

就像艾伦那样。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You may worry that you won't know what to say,

或许你是担心不知道说什么，

and every attempt at conversation will be awkward,

每次试着开口的时候会很尴尬，

唯一觉得舒服的时候，

and the only time you'll feel comfortable

is when you both just give up on talking

是双方都放弃交谈

and stare at your phones.

专心玩手机的时候。

Words are not the most important thing to focus on.

其实说什么并不重要，

You might fear seeing your shadow.

你或许害怕看见你的影子。

Hey, if you have been successfully outrunning

嗨，如果你已经成功超越

your personal emotional demons,

个人情感的恶魔，

that's awesome.

那就太棒了。

May the wind be at your back.

你会事事顺意。 （爱尔兰祝福语）

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You can be the least woo-woo person in the world

你可以是世界上最没有吸引力的人，

and still connect with depressed people.

但仍与抑郁人士紧密相依。

Maybe you've heard that depression is contagious,

或许你听说抑郁会传染，

and you're afraid of catching it.

你害怕也会得上。

Bring some hand sanitizer.

带上消毒洗手液吧。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You're much more likely to catch the joy of human bonding.

你最可能被传染的是 与人亲密交往的愉悦感。

Maybe you see depressed people differently.

或许你对抑郁的人有歧视，

You think of them as flawed or defective.

你认为他们是有缺陷的。

Multiple university studies have shown

很多大学的研究结果都表明，

that A students are more likely to have bipolar condition.

最优秀的学生最容易患精神分裂症。

Our brains aren't broken or damaged,

我们并非脑子坏掉了，

they just work differently.

只是对事情的想法不同而已。

I spent a lot of years thinking happy people just don't get it.

多年来，我一直认为 快乐的人是糊涂的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I did eventually stop discriminating against happy people --

我最终停止了对快乐人士的歧视。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I began battling depression when I was eight,

我从八岁就开始跟抑郁做斗争，

and decades later, to my surprise,

数十年后，意想不到的是

I started winning.

事情开始有效果了。

I shifted from being miserable much of the time

我从一个大多数时间都在难过的人

变成了享受生活的人。

to enjoying life.

I live pretty well with my bipolar condition,

我在这种两极分化 的情绪中生活得很好。

and I've overcome some other mental health conditions

并且我战胜了一些其他精神疾病，

like overeating, addiction and social anxiety.

例如，嗜食，毒瘾和社交焦虑。

So I live on both sides of this chasm.

所以我在两种状态下都生活过。

And I'm offering some guidance

我想提供一些建议，

based on my experience

以我的生活经验为依据，

to help you build a bridge across it

帮助人们在隔阂之间架起一座桥，

if you want to.

如果你愿意的话。

It's not hard science,

这并非艰涩的科学知识，

but I worked with a lot people I know who've lived with depression

只是我通过与很多熟知 的抑郁患者一起工作

to refine these suggestions.

提炼出来的建议。

First up, some things you might want to avoid --

首先，不要做以下这些事，

some "don'ts."

一些 “不该做的事”。

One of the most off-putting things you can say is,

最令人不愉快的话之一就是，

"Just get over it."

“ 克服它就好。 ”

Great idea -- love it,

好主意——我喜欢，

it's just we already thought of that.

我们都是这么想的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The absence of the ability to just get over it is depression.

抑郁就是因为丧失了 克服的能力啊。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

We feel it in our bodies --

我们的身体可以感觉到抑郁——

it's a physical thing for us.

这是一种生理反应。

And medically it's no different

这和同那些踝关节损坏

from telling someone with a broken ankle or cancer,

或患有癌症的人讲“ 克服它就好 ”

"just get over it."

并无不同。

Don't be hell-bent on fixing us.

不要执着于治愈我们。

Like, thank you, but ...

谢谢你，但是 ...

the pressure can make us depressed people feel like we're disappointing you.

这句话迫使我们这些抑郁患者 觉得我们令你失望了。

Also, things that make some people feel better

还有，做那些可以让其他人快乐的事，

may not work for us.

对我们或许不起作用。

You can't cure clinical depression by getting ice cream ...

你不可能通过吃冰淇凌治愈抑郁症。

which is unfortunate, because that would be living the dream.

这很不幸，因为那是梦中才有的事。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Don't take a negative response personally.

不要太在意不好的回应。

So, I have a friend who, about a year ago,

大概一年前，我有一个朋友

messaged me that he was really isolated and depressed.

给我发消息说他非常孤独和抑郁，

And I suggested some things for him to do,

我提议他去做一些事情，

and he was like, "No, no and no."

他说 ：“不，不，不。”

And I got mad,

我气疯了，

like, how dare he not embrace my brilliant wisdom?

觉得他怎么能不听 我这绝妙的建议呢！

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then I remembered times I've been depressed,

然后我想起来我也抑郁过，

and how I thought I was doomed in all possible futures,

那时我也觉得自己没有未来，

or everybody suddenly hated me, and things like that.

或是每个人都会突然讨厌我之类的。

It didn't matter how many people told me otherwise --

无论有多少人告诉我不是那样的——

I didn't believe them.

我根本不相信他们。

So I let my friend know I cared,

所以我让朋友知道我是关心他的，

and I didn't take it personally.

并不会因为他的拒绝而生气。

Don't let a lack of bubbly happiness freak you out.

不要因为没有虚幻的快乐而崩溃。

It's not a shark attack.

这不是鲨鱼袭击。

"Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!"

“打电话给海岸巡逻队， 我的朋友难过！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We can be sad and OK at the same time.

在抑郁的同时， 我们也可以很好地生活。

I'm going to say that again,

我要再说一次，

because in our society, we're taught the opposite,

因为这与社会灌输我们的理论相反，

and so it's counterintuitive.

是违反常理的。

People can be sad and OK at the same time.

抑郁的同时， 我们也可以生活得很好。

So some of these things may apply to you personally, some may not.

我说的这些也许有一部分 对你个人来说适用，有些不适用，

Take what's useful.

听取那些有用的吧。

And remember, you don't have to connect.

记住，你不是非与他们交往不可。

If you want to,

如果你确实想，

here are some suggestions that may help --

接下来的一些建议也许会有帮助——

some "dos."

一些 “ 该做的事情”。

Talk to us in your natural voice, right?

用自然的语调跟我们交谈，好吗？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You don't need to put on a sad voice because we're depressed --

不必因为我们抑郁， 你就换上一副难过的嗓音——

you don't sneeze when you're talking to somebody with a cold.

跟感冒的人谈话时，你也不打喷嚏吧。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's not rude to be upbeat.

乐观并没有错。

You can be you, OK?

你依然可以做你自己，好吗？

If you make an offer to be there for us,

如果你愿意提出帮助，

clearly state what you can and can't do.

清楚地说明你可以做什么， 什么你做不到。

I have told people, "Hey, call or text any time,

我曾告诉大家， “随时都可以给我打电话或发短信，

but I might not be able to get back to you that same day."

但我不一定能及时回复你。”

It's totally cool to not make an offer,

不提供任何帮助，

or to make a narrow offer with really clear boundaries around it.

或者只提供有限的帮助都可以。

Give us a sense of control.

让我们有种掌控感。

Like, get our consent.

比如，得到我们的赞同。

I have a friend who, a while back,

我有一个朋友，在前一段时间，

when I was having a depressive episode,

当我在抑郁期的时候，

reached out and said, "Hey, I want to check in with you.

联系我说：“ 我想问一下你，

Can I call you every day?

我可以每天给你打电话吗？

Maybe text you every day and call later in the week?

或者每天给你发短信， 过后再给你打电话，

What works for you?"

哪种方式好？”

By getting my permission, she earned my complete confidence

通过征询我的意见， 她得到了我的信任。

and remains one of my best friends today.

至今仍是我最好的朋友之一。

And my last suggestion is:

我最后的建议是：

interact about not depression,

不要交流关于抑郁的事，

aka, normal stuff.

也就是，交流正常的事。

I have a friend who, when people were worried about him,

我有一个朋友，当大家担心他的时候，

they would call and ask if he wanted to go shopping

他们会打电话问他想不想去逛街，

or help them clean out their garage.

或者帮他们打扫车库。

Your depressed friends could be a good source of free labor --

你患抑郁症的朋友可以成为 不错的义务劳动者。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

其实我真正想说的是，

What I'm really getting at is,

invite them to contribute to your life in some way,

让他们以某种方式为你做点 对你生活有帮助的事，

even if it's as small as asking you to go see a movie

即使是非常小的事， 比如说和你一起去看一部

that you wanted to see in the theater.

你想要去电影院看的电影。

So that's a lot of dos and don'ts and maybes,

所以有很多可以做的， 不可以做的，以及不确定的事情，

and it's not by any means a definitive list.

这份清单的内容不是固定的。

The thing to remember is that they're all grounded

只需要记住它们都是基于

in one guiding principle.

一个基本的指导原则，

It's what allowed the woman in the Jeep Wrangler

就是这个原则，让那位 吉普牧羊人车里的女士

to start me on the path to recovery without even trying.

甚至不需要刻意尝试 就让我开始康复了。

She talked to me like I belonged

她与我谈话时让我觉得我和她一样，

让我感同身受。

and contributed exactly as I was at that moment.

If you talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable,

如果你和抑郁症患者交流的时候 让他们感到他们的生命

intense and beautiful as yours,

和你的一样有价值，热情和美丽，

then there's no need to build a bridge between you,

那你们之间就不需要搭桥了，

because you've closed the chasm.

因为你已经消灭了隔阂，

Focus on that instead of your words,

注重于交流而不是你说的内容。

and it may be the most uplifting conversation of their life.

这也许会成为他们生命中 最受鼓舞的交谈，

What could that do for somebody you care about?

这可以对你关心的人产生什么影响？

What could it do for you?

可以对你产生什么影响？

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）