How to connect with depressed friends | Bill Bernat

Prevoditelj: Viktorija Đuđik Recezent: Sanda L

The one conversation that uplifted me more than any other in my life

Razgovor koji me oduševio više od ijednog drugog u životu

was with a woman who told me

bio je sa ženom koja mi je rekla

how, a few days earlier,

da se, nekoliko dana ranije,

she drove her Jeep Wrangler to the edge of the Grand Canyon

odvezla u svom Jeep Wrangleru do ruba Grand Canyona

and sat there, revving the engine,

i sjedila tamo, pritiskala gas,

thinking about driving over.

razmišljajući da ode preko ruba.

Even though I had severe social anxiety,

Iako sam imao tešku socijalnu anksioznost,

in that conversation, I was totally at ease.

u tom razgovoru sam bio posve opušten.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

She told me what was going on in her life

Rekla mi je što se događalo u njezinom životu

in the days and months leading up,

danima i mjesecima prije tog događaja,

what her thoughts were at that exact moment,

o čemu je mislila u tom trenutku,

why she wanted to die,

zašto je željela umrijeti

and why she didn't do it.

i zašto se nije ubila.

We nodded and half-smiled,

Kimnuli smo glavom i napola se osmjehnuli,

and then it was my turn to talk about my journey

i tad je bio moj red da ispričam o svom putovanju

to a dining table in the hygienic community area

do stola za objedovanje u higijenskom zajedničkom prostoru

of the mental health wing of a mountain-town hospital.

odjela za mentalno zdravlje bolnice u jednom planinskom gradu.

I took too many sleeping pills,

Popio sam previše tableta

and after they treated me for that,

i nakon što su me izliječili,

they were like, "Hey, we would love it if you would be our guest

bili su kao: "Hej, voljeli bismo kad bi bio naš gost

in the psych ward."

na psihijatrijskom odjelu."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We joked that her suicide would have made a way better postcard.

Šalili smo se da bi njezino samoubojstvo bila bolja razglednica.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We talked shop.

Razgovarali smo o sebi.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

She allowed me to be deeply depressed

Dopustila mi je da budem depresivan

and have a genuine connection to another person, simultaneously.

i istovremeno ostvarim istinsku vezu s drugom osobom.

For the first time,

Po prvi put,

I identified as somebody living with depression,

identificirao sam se kao osoba koja živi s depresijom

and I felt good about it --

i osjećao sam se dobro zbog toga,

like I wasn't a bad person for it.

kao da nisam zato loša osoba.

Now imagine one of the people at that table was a member of your family

Zamislite da je član vaše obitelji za tim stolom,

or a close friend.

ili bliski prijatelj.

Would you be comfortable talking to them?

Bi li vam bilo ugodno razgovarati s njima?

What if instead of the hospital,

Što ako bi umjesto u bolnici,

they were at your kitchen table

svi oni bili za vašim stolom

and told you they were really depressed?

i rekli vam da su stvarno depresivni?

The World Health Organization

Svjetska zdravstvena organizacija

says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide,

kaže da je depresija vodeći uzrok bolesti i invaliditeta diljem svijeta,

affecting 350 million people.

koja zahvaća 350 milijuna ljudi.

The National Institute of Mental Health

Nacionalni institut za mentalno zdravlje

reports seven percent of Americans experiencing depression in a year.

izvještava da 7% Amerikanaca proživi depresiju svake godine.

So depression is super common,

Znači, depresija je jako česta,

yet in my experience,

ali prema mojem iskustvu,

most folks don't want to talk to depressed people

većina ljudi ne želi razgovarati s depresivnim osobama

unless we pretend to be happy.

ako se ne pretvaramo da smo sretni.

A cheerful facade is appropriate for casual interactions.

Vesela maska je prigodna za usputne susrete.

A depressed person can ask for extra syrup in their pumpkin spice latte

Depresivna osoba može tražiti više sirupa u svojoj kavi s okusom bundeve,

without explaining that they need it

a da ne objašnjava da ga treba,

because they're trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul

jer je zatočena u beskrajnoj tami svoje duše

and they've lost all hope of escape --

i izgubila je svaku nadu za bijeg,

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

again.

opet.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Depression doesn't diminish a person's desire

Depresija ne umanjuje želju osobe

to connect with other people,

da se poveže s drugim ljudima,

just their ability.

samo njihovu sposobnost.

So in spite of what you might think,

Unatoč tome što možda mislite,

talking to friends and family living with depression

pričati s prijateljima i obitelji koji imaju depresiju

can be really easy and maybe even fun.

može stvarno biti lako i možda čak i zabavno.

Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga- at-an-underground-party fun --

Ne zabavno kao Facebook-selfie- s-Lady-Gagom-na-tajnom-tulumu,

I'm talking about the kind of fun

govorim o vrsti zabave

where people enjoy each other's company effortlessly.

u kojoj ljudi uživaju u društvu jedni drugih bez napora.

Nobody feels awkward,

Nitko se ne osjeća nelagodno

and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.

i nitko ne optužuje tužnu osobu da je upropastila blagdane.

Why does this chasm even exist?

Zašto taj jaz uopće postoji?

On the one side,

S jedne strane,

you have people living with depression

imate ljude koji žive s depresijom

who may act in off-putting or confusing ways

koji se možda ponašaju neugodno ili zbunjujuće

because they're fighting a war in their head

jer u svojoj glavi vode rat

that nobody else can see.

koji nitko drugi ne vidi.

On the other side,

S druge strane,

the vast majority of people look across the chasm

velika većina ljudi gleda preko jaza

and shake their heads,

i okreće glavom,

like, "Why you gotta be so depressed?"

kao, "Zašto moraš biti tako depresivan?"

You may recognize a divide like this in your life.

Možda prepoznate takvu podjelu u svojem životu.

Do you want to build a bridge across it?

Želite li sagraditi most preko nje?

You may not want to build a bridge --

Možda ne želite sagraditi most,

and that's a totally valid choice.

što je posve opravdan izbor.

Or maybe you'd like to build a stronger connection,

Ili biste htjeli izgraditi snažniju vezu,

but you have a lot of questions and concerns.

ali imate puno pitanja i briga.

You're what I might call "bridge curious."

Vi ste ono što bih ja nazvao "zainteresirani za most".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Here are some possible reasons

Evo nekih mogućih razloga

why some of you may avoid depressed people.

zašto bi neki od vas izbjegavali depresivne ljude.

You might be afraid

Možda se bojite

that if you talk to somebody while they're depressed,

da ako razgovarate s nekim tko je depresivan,

you're suddenly responsible for their well-being.

odjednom ste odgovorni za njegovu dobrobit.

You're not expected to be Dr. Phil.

Nitko ne očekuje da budete dr. Phil.

Just be friendly --

Samo budite srdačni,

more like Ellen.

više kao Ellen.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You may worry that you won't know what to say,

Možda se brinete da nećete znati što biste rekli,

and every attempt at conversation will be awkward,

da će svaki pokušaj razgovora biti čudan,

and the only time you'll feel comfortable

da ćete se osjećati ugodno jedino

is when you both just give up on talking

kad oboje odustanete od pričanja

and stare at your phones.

i zagledate se u svoj telefon.

Words are not the most important thing to focus on.

Riječi nisu najvažnije stvari na koje se trebate usredotočiti.

You might fear seeing your shadow.

Možda se bojite svoje sjene.

Hey, if you have been successfully outrunning

Hej, ako uspješno bježite

your personal emotional demons,

od svojih osobnih emocionalnih demona,

that's awesome.

to je odlično.

May the wind be at your back.

Želim vam vjetar u leđa.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You can be the least woo-woo person in the world

Čak i ako niste nimalo lakovjerna osoba,

and still connect with depressed people.

možete razgovarati s depresivnim ljudima.

Maybe you've heard that depression is contagious,

Možda ste čuli da je depresija zarazna

and you're afraid of catching it.

i bojite se da ćete je dobiti.

Bring some hand sanitizer.

Donesite malo gela za dezinfekciju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You're much more likely to catch the joy of human bonding.

Prije ćete dobiti radost ljudskog povezivanja.

Maybe you see depressed people differently.

Možda drugačije vidite depresivne ljude.

You think of them as flawed or defective.

Mislite da su manjkavi i oštećeni.

Multiple university studies have shown

Nekoliko je sveučilišnih studija pokazalo

that A students are more likely to have bipolar condition.

da će odlikaši prije imati bipolarni poremećaj.

Our brains aren't broken or damaged,

Naši mozgovi nisu neispravni ili oštećeni,

they just work differently.

samo rade drugačije.

I spent a lot of years thinking happy people just don't get it.

Nekoliko godina sam mislio da sretni ljudi jednostavno ne razumiju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I did eventually stop discriminating against happy people --

S vremenom sam prestao diskriminirati sretne ljude.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I began battling depression when I was eight,

Počeo sam bitku s depresijom kad sam imao osam godina

and decades later, to my surprise,

i desetljećima poslije, na moje iznenađenje,

I started winning.

počeo sam pobjeđivati.

I shifted from being miserable much of the time

Pomaknuo sam se sa stalnog osjećaja bijede

to enjoying life.

do uživanja u životu.

I live pretty well with my bipolar condition,

Živim prilično dobro sa svojm bipolarnošću

and I've overcome some other mental health conditions

i nadvladao sam neke druge mentalne bolesti,

like overeating, addiction and social anxiety.

kao prejedanje, ovisnost i socijalnu anksioznost.

So I live on both sides of this chasm.

Tako da živim na obje strane ovog jaza.

And I'm offering some guidance

I nudim smjernice

based on my experience

koje se temelje na mom iskustvu

to help you build a bridge across it

da vam pomognem izgraditi most preko njega,

if you want to.

ako želite.

It's not hard science,

To nije teška nauka,

but I worked with a lot people I know who've lived with depression

ali sam radio s puno ljudi za koje znam da imaju depresiju,

to refine these suggestions.

kako bih doradio ove prijedloge.

First up, some things you might want to avoid --

Prvo, nešto što želite izbjeći,

some "don'ts."

nekoliko "nemojte".

One of the most off-putting things you can say is,

Jedna od najgorih stvari koje možete reći je:

"Just get over it."

"Samo preboli to."

Great idea -- love it,

Odlična ideja, sviđa mi se,

it's just we already thought of that.

samo što smo se već sjetili toga.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

The absence of the ability to just get over it is depression.

Odsutnost sposobnosti da se preboli jest depresija.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

We feel it in our bodies --

Osjećamo to u tijelu,

it's a physical thing for us.

za nas je to fizički.

And medically it's no different

I medicinski se ne razlikuje od toga

from telling someone with a broken ankle or cancer,

da osobi slomljenog gležnja ili s rakom kažete,

"just get over it."

"Ma, preboli to."

Don't be hell-bent on fixing us.

Nemojte si zacrtati da nas popravite.

Like, thank you, but ...

Kao, hvala, ali...

the pressure can make us depressed people feel like we're disappointing you.

zbog pritiska se mi, depresivne osobe, osjećamo kao da smo vas razočarali.

Also, things that make some people feel better

Također, stvari zbog kojih se neki ljudi osjećaju bolje

may not work for us.

možda ne vrijede za nas.

You can't cure clinical depression by getting ice cream ...

Ne možete izliječiti kliničku depresiju sladoledom...

which is unfortunate, because that would be living the dream.

što je šteta, jer to bi bio život.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Don't take a negative response personally.

Nemojte negativni odgovor shvaćati osobno.

So, I have a friend who, about a year ago,

Dakle, imam prijatelja koji mi je, prije otprilike godinu dana,

messaged me that he was really isolated and depressed.

poslao poruku da je stvarno izoliran i depresivan.

And I suggested some things for him to do,

Predložio sam mu neke stvari koje može raditi,

and he was like, "No, no and no."

a on je odgovorio: "Ne, ne i ne."

And I got mad,

Naljutio sam se,

like, how dare he not embrace my brilliant wisdom?

jer, kako se usuđuje ne prihvatiti moju izvanrednu mudrost?

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And then I remembered times I've been depressed,

Onda sam se sjetio kad sam ja bio depresivan,

and how I thought I was doomed in all possible futures,

mislio sam da sam osuđen na propast u svim mogućim budućnostima,

or everybody suddenly hated me, and things like that.

ili da me odjednom svi mrze, i takve stvari.

It didn't matter how many people told me otherwise --

Nije bilo važno koliko ljudi mi je reklo suprotno,

I didn't believe them.

nisam im vjerovao.

So I let my friend know I cared,

Rekao sam prijatelju da mi je stalo

and I didn't take it personally.

i nisam to shvatio osobno.

Don't let a lack of bubbly happiness freak you out.

Nemojte da vas nedostatak prštave sreće izbezumi.

It's not a shark attack.

To nije napad morskog psa.

"Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!"

"Zovite obalnu stražu, moj prijatelj je tužan!"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We can be sad and OK at the same time.

Možemo biti tužni i OK u isto vrijeme.

I'm going to say that again,

Reći ću to opet,

because in our society, we're taught the opposite,

jer nas u našem društvu uče suprotno,

and so it's counterintuitive.

pa nije intuitivno.

People can be sad and OK at the same time.

Ljudi mogu biti tužni i OK u isto vrijeme.

So some of these things may apply to you personally, some may not.

Nešto od ovoga može se odnositi na vas osobno, nešto ne može.

Take what's useful.

Uzmite što je korisno.

And remember, you don't have to connect.

I zapamtite, ne morate se povezati.

If you want to,

Ako želite,

here are some suggestions that may help --

evo nekih prijedloga koji mogu pomoći,

some "dos."

nekoliko "smiješ".

Talk to us in your natural voice, right?

Pričajte s nama vašim prirodnim glasom, dobro?

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You don't need to put on a sad voice because we're depressed --

Ne morate uključiti tužni glas jer smo depresivni,

you don't sneeze when you're talking to somebody with a cold.

ne kišete kad pričate s prehlađenom osobom.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It's not rude to be upbeat.

Nije nepristojno biti veseo.

You can be you, OK?

Vi možete biti vi, OK?

If you make an offer to be there for us,

Ako se ponudite da budete tu za nas,

clearly state what you can and can't do.

jasno recite što možete i što ne možete učiniti.

I have told people, "Hey, call or text any time,

Kažem ljudima "Hej, zovi ili pošalji poruku bilo kad,

but I might not be able to get back to you that same day."

ali možda ti neću moći odgovoriti isti dan."

It's totally cool to not make an offer,

Posve je u redu ako ne ponudite pomoć,

or to make a narrow offer with really clear boundaries around it.

ili je ponudite malo, s jasnim granicama oko nje.

Give us a sense of control.

Dajte nam osjećaj kontrole.

Like, get our consent.

Kao, naš pristanak.

I have a friend who, a while back,

Imam prijateljicu koja je, prije nekog vremena,

when I was having a depressive episode,

kad sam imao depresivnu epizodu,

reached out and said, "Hey, I want to check in with you.

pružila ruku i rekla, "Hej, htjela bih da se čujemo.

Can I call you every day?

Smijem nazvati svaki dan?

Maybe text you every day and call later in the week?

Ili poslati poruku svaki dan, a zvati krajem tjedna?

What works for you?"

Što ti odgovara?"

By getting my permission, she earned my complete confidence

Pitajući me za dopuštenje, zaslužila je moje potpuno povjerenje

and remains one of my best friends today.

i ostala do danas jedna od najboljih prijatelja.

And my last suggestion is:

A moj zadnji prijedlog je:

interact about not depression,

razgovarajte o ne-depresiji,

aka, normal stuff.

to jest, normalnim stvarima.

I have a friend who, when people were worried about him,

Imam prijatelja koji, kad su ljudi bili zabrinuti za njega,

they would call and ask if he wanted to go shopping

nazvali su ga i pitali ga želi li ići u kupovinu

or help them clean out their garage.

ili pomoći im počistiti garažu.

Your depressed friends could be a good source of free labor --

Vaši depresivni prijatelji su dobra besplatna radna snaga.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

What I'm really getting at is,

Zapravo želim reći da,

invite them to contribute to your life in some way,

pozovite ih da doprinesu vašem životu na neki način,

even if it's as small as asking you to go see a movie

čak i ako je sitno, kao poziv za gledanje filma

that you wanted to see in the theater.

kojeg ste htjeli pogledati u kinu.

So that's a lot of dos and don'ts and maybes,

To je puno "smiješ" i "ne smiješ" i "možda",

and it's not by any means a definitive list.

i nikako nije gotov popis.

The thing to remember is that they're all grounded

Trebate zapamtiti da su svi utemeljeni

in one guiding principle.

na jednom vodećem načelu.

It's what allowed the woman in the Jeep Wrangler

Zbog toga me je žena u Jeep Wrangleru

to start me on the path to recovery without even trying.

navela na put oporavka, a da se nije trudila.

She talked to me like I belonged

Razgovarala je sa mnom kao da pripadam

and contributed exactly as I was at that moment.

i doprinosim takav kakav jesam u tom trenutku.

If you talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable,

Ako razgovarate s depresivnom osobom kao da je njihov život jednako vrijedan,

intense and beautiful as yours,

izražajan i prekrasan kao vaš,

then there's no need to build a bridge between you,

tada nema potrebe da gradite most između vas

because you've closed the chasm.

jer ste zatvorili jaz.

Focus on that instead of your words,

Usredotočite se na to, a ne na vaše riječi

and it may be the most uplifting conversation of their life.

i možda to bude najvredniji razgovor u vašem životu.

What could that do for somebody you care about?

Što bi to moglo značiti za nekoga do koga vam je stalo?

What could it do for you?

Što bi to moglo značiti za vas?

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)