How to connect with depressed friends | Bill Bernat

186,478 views ・ 2018-03-23

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The one conversation that uplifted me more than any other in my life
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was with a woman who told me
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how, a few days earlier,
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she drove her Jeep Wrangler to the edge of the Grand Canyon
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and sat there, revving the engine,
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thinking about driving over.
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Even though I had severe social anxiety,
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in that conversation, I was totally at ease.
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(Laughter)
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She told me what was going on in her life
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in the days and months leading up,
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what her thoughts were at that exact moment,
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why she wanted to die,
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and why she didn't do it.
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We nodded and half-smiled,
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and then it was my turn to talk about my journey
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to a dining table in the hygienic community area
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of the mental health wing of a mountain-town hospital.
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I took too many sleeping pills,
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and after they treated me for that,
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they were like, "Hey, we would love it if you would be our guest
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in the psych ward."
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(Laughter)
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We joked that her suicide would have made a way better postcard.
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(Laughter)
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We talked shop.
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(Laughter)
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She allowed me to be deeply depressed
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and have a genuine connection to another person, simultaneously.
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For the first time,
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I identified as somebody living with depression,
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and I felt good about it --
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like I wasn't a bad person for it.
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Now imagine one of the people at that table was a member of your family
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or a close friend.
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Would you be comfortable talking to them?
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What if instead of the hospital,
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they were at your kitchen table
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and told you they were really depressed?
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The World Health Organization
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says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide,
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affecting 350 million people.
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The National Institute of Mental Health
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reports seven percent of Americans experiencing depression in a year.
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So depression is super common,
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yet in my experience,
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most folks don't want to talk to depressed people
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unless we pretend to be happy.
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A cheerful facade is appropriate for casual interactions.
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A depressed person can ask for extra syrup in their pumpkin spice latte
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without explaining that they need it
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because they're trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul
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and they've lost all hope of escape --
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(Laughter)
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again.
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(Laughter)
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Depression doesn't diminish a person's desire
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to connect with other people,
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just their ability.
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So in spite of what you might think,
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talking to friends and family living with depression
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can be really easy and maybe even fun.
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Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga- at-an-underground-party fun --
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I'm talking about the kind of fun
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where people enjoy each other's company effortlessly.
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Nobody feels awkward,
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and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.
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Why does this chasm even exist?
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On the one side,
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you have people living with depression
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who may act in off-putting or confusing ways
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because they're fighting a war in their head
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that nobody else can see.
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On the other side,
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the vast majority of people look across the chasm
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and shake their heads,
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like, "Why you gotta be so depressed?"
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You may recognize a divide like this in your life.
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Do you want to build a bridge across it?
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You may not want to build a bridge --
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and that's a totally valid choice.
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Or maybe you'd like to build a stronger connection,
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but you have a lot of questions and concerns.
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You're what I might call "bridge curious."
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(Laughter)
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Here are some possible reasons
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why some of you may avoid depressed people.
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You might be afraid
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that if you talk to somebody while they're depressed,
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you're suddenly responsible for their well-being.
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You're not expected to be Dr. Phil.
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Just be friendly --
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more like Ellen.
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(Laughter)
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You may worry that you won't know what to say,
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and every attempt at conversation will be awkward,
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and the only time you'll feel comfortable
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is when you both just give up on talking
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and stare at your phones.
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Words are not the most important thing to focus on.
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You might fear seeing your shadow.
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Hey, if you have been successfully outrunning
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your personal emotional demons,
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that's awesome.
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May the wind be at your back.
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(Laughter)
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You can be the least woo-woo person in the world
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and still connect with depressed people.
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Maybe you've heard that depression is contagious,
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and you're afraid of catching it.
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Bring some hand sanitizer.
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(Laughter)
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You're much more likely to catch the joy of human bonding.
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Maybe you see depressed people differently.
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You think of them as flawed or defective.
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Multiple university studies have shown
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that A students are more likely to have bipolar condition.
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Our brains aren't broken or damaged,
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they just work differently.
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I spent a lot of years thinking happy people just don't get it.
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(Laughter)
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I did eventually stop discriminating against happy people --
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(Laughter)
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I began battling depression when I was eight,
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and decades later, to my surprise,
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I started winning.
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I shifted from being miserable much of the time
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to enjoying life.
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I live pretty well with my bipolar condition,
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and I've overcome some other mental health conditions
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like overeating, addiction and social anxiety.
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So I live on both sides of this chasm.
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And I'm offering some guidance
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based on my experience
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to help you build a bridge across it
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if you want to.
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It's not hard science,
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but I worked with a lot people I know who've lived with depression
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to refine these suggestions.
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First up, some things you might want to avoid --
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some "don'ts."
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One of the most off-putting things you can say is,
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"Just get over it."
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Great idea -- love it,
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it's just we already thought of that.
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(Laughter)
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The absence of the ability to just get over it is depression.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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We feel it in our bodies --
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it's a physical thing for us.
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And medically it's no different
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from telling someone with a broken ankle or cancer,
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"just get over it."
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Don't be hell-bent on fixing us.
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Like, thank you, but ...
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the pressure can make us depressed people feel like we're disappointing you.
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Also, things that make some people feel better
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may not work for us.
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You can't cure clinical depression by getting ice cream ...
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which is unfortunate, because that would be living the dream.
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(Laughter)
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Don't take a negative response personally.
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So, I have a friend who, about a year ago,
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messaged me that he was really isolated and depressed.
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And I suggested some things for him to do,
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and he was like, "No, no and no."
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And I got mad,
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like, how dare he not embrace my brilliant wisdom?
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(Laughter)
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And then I remembered times I've been depressed,
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and how I thought I was doomed in all possible futures,
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or everybody suddenly hated me, and things like that.
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It didn't matter how many people told me otherwise --
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I didn't believe them.
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So I let my friend know I cared,
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and I didn't take it personally.
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Don't let a lack of bubbly happiness freak you out.
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It's not a shark attack.
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"Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!"
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(Laughter)
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We can be sad and OK at the same time.
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I'm going to say that again,
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because in our society, we're taught the opposite,
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and so it's counterintuitive.
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People can be sad and OK at the same time.
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So some of these things may apply to you personally, some may not.
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Take what's useful.
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And remember, you don't have to connect.
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If you want to,
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here are some suggestions that may help --
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some "dos."
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Talk to us in your natural voice, right?
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(Laughter)
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You don't need to put on a sad voice because we're depressed --
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you don't sneeze when you're talking to somebody with a cold.
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(Laughter)
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It's not rude to be upbeat.
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You can be you, OK?
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If you make an offer to be there for us,
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clearly state what you can and can't do.
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I have told people, "Hey, call or text any time,
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but I might not be able to get back to you that same day."
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It's totally cool to not make an offer,
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or to make a narrow offer with really clear boundaries around it.
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Give us a sense of control.
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Like, get our consent.
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I have a friend who, a while back,
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when I was having a depressive episode,
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reached out and said, "Hey, I want to check in with you.
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Can I call you every day?
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Maybe text you every day and call later in the week?
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What works for you?"
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By getting my permission, she earned my complete confidence
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and remains one of my best friends today.
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And my last suggestion is:
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interact about not depression,
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aka, normal stuff.
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I have a friend who, when people were worried about him,
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they would call and ask if he wanted to go shopping
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or help them clean out their garage.
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Your depressed friends could be a good source of free labor --
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(Laughter)
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What I'm really getting at is,
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invite them to contribute to your life in some way,
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even if it's as small as asking you to go see a movie
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that you wanted to see in the theater.
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So that's a lot of dos and don'ts and maybes,
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and it's not by any means a definitive list.
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The thing to remember is that they're all grounded
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in one guiding principle.
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It's what allowed the woman in the Jeep Wrangler
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to start me on the path to recovery without even trying.
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She talked to me like I belonged
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and contributed exactly as I was at that moment.
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If you talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable,
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intense and beautiful as yours,
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then there's no need to build a bridge between you,
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because you've closed the chasm.
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Focus on that instead of your words,
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and it may be the most uplifting conversation of their life.
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What could that do for somebody you care about?
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What could it do for you?
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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