We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED

1,592,740 views ・ 2019-04-25

TED


Tafadhali bofya mara mbili manukuu ya Kiingereza hapa chini ili kucheza video.

Translator: Doris Mangalu Reviewer: Julie Mbeyella
00:12
So, 2014 was a big year for me.
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Mwaka 2014 ulikua ,mkubwa kwangu.
00:15
Do you ever have that,
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Ulishawahi kuwa na hio,
00:16
just like a big year, like a banner year?
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kama tu mwaka mkubwa, kama mwaka bango?
00:19
For me, it went like this:
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Kwangu, ulienda hivi:
00:20
October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.
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Oktoba 3, nilipoteza ujauzito wangu wa pili.
00:23
And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.
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Halfu Oktoba 3, baba yangu alifariki kwa saratani.
00:27
And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died
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Halafu tena Novemba 25, mme wangu Aaron alifariki
00:29
after three years with stage-four glioblastoma,
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baada ya miaka mitatu ya hatua ya nne ya glioblastoma,
00:32
which is just a fancy word for brain cancer.
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ambalo ni neno la mbwembwe la saratani ya ubongo.
00:36
So, I'm fun.
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Hivyo, nina vichekesho.
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
00:40
People love to invite me out all the time.
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Watu wanapenda kunialika sehemu kila mara.
00:43
Packed social life.
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Maingiano kibao.
00:45
Usually, when I talk about this period of my life,
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Kawaida, ninapoongelea hiki kipindi cha maisha yangu,
00:48
the reaction I get is essentially:
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majibu ninayopata kimsingi ni:
00:51
(Sighs)
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(Mhemo)
00:53
"I can't -- I can't imagine."
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"Siwezi -- siwezi kufikiria."
00:57
But I do think you can.
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Lakini ninafikiri unaweza.
00:59
I think you can.
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Ninafikiri unaweza.
01:00
And I think that you should
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Na ninafikiri kua unatakiwa
01:02
because, someday, it's going to happen to you.
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kwa sababu, siku moja, itakutokea wewe.
01:04
Maybe not these specific losses in this specific order or at this speed,
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Labda sio hizi hasara kabisa kwenye namna hii maalum au kwa kazi hii,
01:09
but like I said, I'm very fun
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ila nimesema, nina vichekesho
01:10
and the research that I have seen will stun you:
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na utafiti nilioona utakushangaza:
01:14
everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying.
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kila mtu unaempenda ana nafasi asilimia 100 ya kufa.
01:18
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:20
And that's why you came to TED.
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Na ndio maana ukaja TED.
01:22
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:24
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
01:28
So, since all of this loss happened,
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Tangu hasara yote ilivyonitokea,
01:30
I've made it a career to talk about death and loss,
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nimefanya kazi kuongelea kuhusu kifo na hasara,
01:34
not just my own, because it's pretty easy to recap,
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sio yangu tu, kwa sababu ni rahisi kukumbuka,
01:36
but the losses and tragedies that other people have experienced.
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lakini hasara na mikasa ambayo watu wengine wamepitia.
01:40
It's a niche, I have to say.
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Ni sehemu, naweza kusema.
01:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:45
It's a small niche, and I wish I made more money, but ...
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Ni sehemu ndogo, na natamani ningekua na hela nyingi, lakini ...
01:48
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:49
I've written some very uplifting books,
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Nimeandika vitabu vya kuinua kweli,
01:52
host a very uplifting podcast, I started a little nonprofit.
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nikaendesha podikasti ya kuinua sana, nikaanzaisha shirika lisilo la serikali.
01:56
I'm just trying to do what I can
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Ninajaribu tu kufanya ninachoweza
01:57
to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable,
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kufanya watu wengi zaidi wafarijike kwenye hali zilizo ngumu,
02:01
and grief is so uncomfortable.
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na majonzi ni magumu sana.
02:04
It's so uncomfortable, especially if it's someone else's grief.
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Ni magumu sana, haswa kama ni majonzi ya mtu mwingine.
02:09
So part of that work is this group that I started with my friend Moe,
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Basi sehemu ya hio kazi ni hili kundi nililoanzisha na rafiki yangu Moe,
02:13
who is also a widow;
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ambae pia ni mjane;
02:14
we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.
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tunaliita Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali.
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
02:18
And it's real, we have membership cards
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Na ni ukweli, tuna kadi za uwanachama
02:21
and T-shirts.
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na tisheti.
02:23
And when your person dies, your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
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Na pale mtu wako akifariki, mmeo, mke, mchumba,
02:26
literally don't care if you were married,
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hatujali kabisa kama ulikua kwenye ndoa,
02:28
your friends and your family are just going to look around
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marafiki zako na familia yako watakua tu wanaangalia
02:31
through friends of friends of friends of friends
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kwa marafiki wa marafiki wa marafiki wa marafiki
02:34
until they find someone who's gone through something similar,
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mpaka wapate mtu ambae amepitia hali inayofanana,
02:37
and then they'll push you towards each other
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halafu watawasukuma mje pamoja
02:39
so you can talk amongst yourselves and not get your sad on other people.
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ili muongee miongoni mwenu na msiwe na masikitiko kwa watu wengine.
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
02:45
So that's what we do.
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Basi ndicho tunachofanya.
02:47
It's just a series of small groups,
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Ni mfululizo tu wa makundi madogo,
02:50
where men, women, gay, straight, married, partnered,
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ambapo wanaume, wanawake, mashoga, wa kawaida, wanandoa, wenye wenza,
02:54
can talk about their dead person,
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wanaweza kuongelea kuhusu mtu wao aliyekufa,
02:58
and say the things
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na kusema vile vitu
03:00
that the other people in their lives aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
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ambavyo mtu mwingine kwenye maisha yao hayuko tayari kuvisikia bado.
03:03
Huge range of conversations.
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Eneo kubwa la mazungumzo.
03:06
Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,
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Kama, "Mme wangu alikufa wiki mbili zilizopita,
03:08
I can't stop thinking about sex, is that normal?"
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siwezi kuacha kufikiria kuhusu ngono, ni kawaida?"
03:10
Yeah.
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Ndio.
03:11
"What if it's one of the Property Brothers?"
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"Je kama ni mmoja wa Property Brothers?"
03:13
Less normal, but I'll accept it.
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Kawaida kidogo, ila nitaikubali.
03:15
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
03:18
Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public and I see old people holding hands,
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Vitu kama, "Ona, nikiwa hadharani na nikaona wazee wanashikana mikono,
03:22
couples who have clearly been together for decades,
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wenzi ambao ni wazi wamekua pamoja kwa miongo,
03:25
and then I look at them and I imagine
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halafu ninawaangalia na kuwaza
03:27
all of the things they've been through together,
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vitu vyote ambavyo wamepitia pamoja,
03:30
the good things, the bad things,
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vitu vizuri na vitu vibaya,
03:31
the arguments they've had over who should take out the trash ...
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ugomvi waliokuanao kuhusu nani wa kutoa taka ...
03:34
I just find my heart filled with rage."
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nakuta tu moyo umejawa na hasira."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
03:38
And that example is personal to me.
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Na huo mfano ni wa pekee kwangu.
03:42
Most of the conversations that we have in the group
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Mazungumzo mengi ambayo tunakuwa nayo kwenye kundi
03:45
can and will just stay amongst ourselves,
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yanaweza na yanakaa miongoni mwetu,
03:47
but there are things that we talk about
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lakini kuna vitu tunavyoviongelea
03:49
that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent
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ambavyo duniani -- dunia ambayo iko karibu na majonzi
03:52
but not yet grief-stricken --
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ila bado haijapigwa na majonzi
03:53
could really benefit from hearing.
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inaweza kweli kunufaika kusikia.
03:55
And if you can't tell,
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Na kama huwezi kusema,
03:57
I'm only interested in / capable of unscientific studies,
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ninavutiwa/uwezo tu wa masomo yabbsiyo ya kisayansi,
04:01
so what I did was go to The Hot Young Widows Club
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nilienda kwenye Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali
04:03
and say, "Hello, friends, remember when your person died?" They did.
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na kusema, "Habari, marafiki, unakumbuka mtu wako alivyokufa?" Walikumbuka.
04:08
"Do you remember all the things people said to you?"
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"Unakumbuka vitu vyote watu walikuambia?"
04:11
"Oh, yeah."
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"Ah, ndio."
04:12
"Which ones did you hate the most?"
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"Ni vipi ulivyovichukia zaidi?"
04:14
I got a lot of comments, lot of answers, people say a lot of things,
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Nilipata maoni mengi, majibu mengi, watu wanasema vitu vingi,
04:17
but two rose to the top pretty quickly.
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lakini viwili vilisimama juu haraka sana.
04:20
"Moving on."
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"Kusonga mbele."
04:23
Now, since 2014,
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Sasa, tangu 2014,
04:26
I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew,
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nitakuambia nilifunga ndoa tena na mwanaume mzuri kweli aitwae Matthew,
04:30
we have four children in our blended family,
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tuna watoto wanne kwenye familia yetu iliyochanganyika,
04:33
we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
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tuniashi kwenye viunga vya Minneapolis, Minnesota, Marekani.
04:36
We have a rescue dog.
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Tuna mbwa aliyeokolewa.
04:38
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:39
I drive a minivan,
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ninaendesha gari la familia,
04:41
like the kind where doors open and I don't even touch them.
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kama la aina ambayo milango inafunguka bila hata kuigusa.
04:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:45
Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.
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Kama, "mezhure" yoyte, maisha ni mazuri.
04:48
I've also never said "mezhure," I've never once said it that way.
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Sijawahi pia kusema "mezhure," sijawahi hata mara moja kuisema hivyo.
04:51
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:56
I don't know where that came from.
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Sijui hata imetokea wapi.
04:58
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:00
I've never heard anyone else say it that way.
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Sijawahi kusikia mtu yeyote akiisema hivyo.
05:02
It looks like it should be said that way,
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Inaonekana kama inapaswa kusemwa hivyo,
05:04
and that's why the English language is trash, so ...
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na ndio sababu lugha ya Kiingereza ni mbovu, basi ...
05:07
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:08
So impressed with anyone who, like, speaks it
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Ninavutiwa sana na mtu ambae anaiongea
05:10
in addition to a language that makes sense -- good job.
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kuongezea kwenye lugha inayoeleweka -- kazi nzuri.
05:13
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:15
But by any measure ...
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Lakini, kwa vyovote vile ...
05:16
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:18
By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven't "moved on."
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Kwa vyovyote vile, maisha ni mazuri sana sana, lakini "sijasonga mbele."
05:24
I haven't moved on, and I hate that phrase so much,
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Sijasonga mbele, na siupendi kabisa huo msemo,
05:27
and I understand why other people do.
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na ninaelewa kwanini wengine hawaupendi.
05:28
Because what it says
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Kwa sababu unachosema
05:30
is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments
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ni kua maisha na kifo cha Aaron na upendo ni wakati tu
05:34
that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.
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ambao nauweza kuuacha nyuma yangu -- na kua napaswa kufanya hivyo.
05:38
And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense,
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Na ninapoongelea kuhusu Aaron, ninaingia kirahisi kwenye hali halisi,
05:42
and I've always thought that made me weird.
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na nimewaza kweli kua hio inanifanya wa ajabu.
05:45
And then I noticed that everybody does it.
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Halafu nikagundua kua kila mtu anafanya hivyo.
05:48
And it's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful,
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Na sio kwa sababu tuna kana au kwa sababu tunasahau,
05:52
it's because the people we love, who we've lost,
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ni kwa sababu watu tunaowapenda, tuliowapoteza,
05:55
are still so present for us.
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bado ni halisi kwetu sisi.
05:58
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."
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Basi, ninaposema, "Oh, Aaron ni ..."
06:02
It's because Aaron still is.
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Ni kwa sababu Aaron bado yupo.
06:05
And it's not in the way that he was before,
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Na sio kwa namna alivyokua kabla.
06:07
which was much better,
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iliyokua bora zaidi,
06:09
and it's not in the way that churchy people try to tell me that he would be.
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na sio namna ambayo watu wa kanisani wanavyojaribu kuniambia anavyokua.
06:12
It's just that he's indelible,
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ni kua tu amezimika,
06:17
and so he is present for me.
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na hivyo yupo sasa kwangu.
06:20
Here,
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Hapa,
06:21
he's present for me in the work that I do,
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yupo hapa kwenye kazi ninayofanya,
06:24
in the child that we had together,
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kwenye mtoto tulionae pamoja,
06:26
in these three other children I'm raising,
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kwenye hawa watoto wengine watatu ninaolea,
06:28
who never met him, who share none of his DNA,
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ambao hawajawahi kunuona, ambao hawana DNA yake,
06:31
but who are only in my life because I had Aaron
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lakini wapo kwenye maisha yangu tu kwa sababu nilikuwa na Aaron
06:35
and because I lost Aaron.
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na kwa sababu nilimpoteza Aaron.
06:38
He's present in my marriage to Matthew,
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Yupo nami kwenye ndoa yangu na Matthew,
06:40
because Aaron's life and love and death
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kwa sababu maisha na upendo na kifo cha Aaron
06:43
made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.
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vimenifanya kua mtu ambae Matthew angetaka kuoa.
06:46
So I've not moved on from Aaron,
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Hivyo sijasonga mbele kutoka kwa Aaron,
06:50
I've moved forward with him.
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nimesonga mbele na yeye.
06:56
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
07:02
We spread Aaron's ashes in his favorite river in Minnesota,
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Tulisambaza majivu ya Aaron kwenye mto aupendao huko Minnesota,
07:07
and when the bag was empty --
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na pale begi lilipokua tupu --
07:09
because when you're cremated, you fit into a plastic bag --
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kwa sababu ukiwa umechomwa, unatoshea kwenye mfuko wa plastiki --
07:13
there were still ashes stuck to my fingers.
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kulikua na majibu bado yamebaki kwenye vidole vyangu.
07:16
And I could have just put my hands in the water and rinsed them,
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Na ningeingiza tu mikono yangu kwenye maji na kuisuuza,
07:20
but instead, I licked my hands clean,
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lakini badala lake, nililamba mikono yangu,
07:23
because I was so afraid of losing more than I had already lost,
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kwa sababu niliogopa kupoteza zaidi ya nilichopoteza zaidi,
07:27
and I was so desperate to make sure that he would always be a part of me.
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na nilitamani sana kuhakikisha kua atakua ni sehemu yangu daima.
07:32
But of course he would be.
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Lakini bila shaka atakua.
07:34
Because when you watch your person fill himself with poison for three years,
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Kwa sababu unapomuona mtu wako akijijaza na sumu kwa miaka mitatu,
07:39
just so he can stay alive a little bit longer with you,
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ili tu aweze kuishi zaidi kidogo na wewe,
07:42
that stays with you.
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hilo linakaa na wewe.
07:45
When you watch him fade from the healthy person he was the night you met
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Unapomuangalia akififia kutoka kwenye mtu mwenye afya siku mliokutana
07:49
to nothing, that stays with you.
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kuwa sifuri, hiyo inakaa na wewe.
07:51
When you watch your son, who isn't even two years old yet,
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Unapomuangalia mwanao, amba hata bado hana miaka miwili,
07:54
walk up to his father's bed on the last day of his life,
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akienda kitandani kwa baba yake siku ya mwisho ya maisha yake,
07:57
like he knows what's coming in a few hours,
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kama vile anajua kinachofuata masaa machache,
07:59
and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."
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na kusema, "Nakupenda. Nimemaliza. Kwaheri."
08:05
That stays with you.
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Hiyo inakaa na wewe.
08:09
Just like when you fall in love, finally, like really fall in love
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Kama tu unapopenda, hatimae, unapopenda kweli
08:14
with someone who gets you and sees you
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mtu anaekuelewa na kukuona
08:16
and you even see, "Oh, my God, I've been wrong this entire time.
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na unaona pia, "Mungu wangu, nimekua nikikosea mda wote huu.
08:19
Love is not a contest or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
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Upendo sio mashindano au kipindi cha televisheni -- ni ukimya sana,
08:24
it's this invisible thread of calm that connects the two of us
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ni huu uzi usioonekana wa utulivu unatuunganisha wawili
08:28
even when everything is chaos,
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hata kama kila kitu kina vurugu,
08:29
when things are falling apart, even when he's gone."
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vitu vinapoenda vibaya, hata kama akiondoka."
08:34
That stays with you.
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Hio inakaa na wewe.
08:38
We used to do this thing --
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Tulikua tunafanya hivi --
08:40
because my hands are always freezing and he's so warm,
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mikono yangu ilikua na baridi na yeye ana joto,
08:43
where I would take my ice-cold hands and shove them up his shirt ...
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nilichukua mikono yangu ya barafu na kuisukuma ndani ya shati lake ...
08:46
press them against his hot bod.
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kuikandamiza kwenye mwili wake mkali.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
08:51
And he hated it so much,
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Na alikua hapendi kabisa,
08:53
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
08:54
but he loved me,
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lakini alinipenda,
08:56
and after he died, I laid in bed with Aaron
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na alivyokufa, nililala kitandani na Aaron
09:01
and I put my hands underneath him
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na nikaweka mikono yangu chini yake
09:05
and I felt his warmth.
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na nikahisi joto lake.
09:10
And I can't even tell you if my hands were cold,
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Na sikuweza hata kusema kama mikono yangu ilikua na baridi,
09:13
but I can tell you
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lakini ninaweza kuwaambia
09:15
that I knew it was the last time I would ever do that.
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kua nilijua ilikua mara ya mwisho ningeweza kufanya hivyo.
09:20
And that that memory is always going to be sad.
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Na hio kumbukumbu itakua ya kusikitisha daima.
09:23
That memory will always hurt.
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Hio kumbukumbu itauma daima.
09:26
Even when I'm 600 years old and I'm just a hologram.
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Hata kama nikiwa na miaka 600 na ni hologramu tu.
09:28
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
09:32
Just like the memory of meeting him is always going to make me laugh.
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Kama tu kumbukumbu ya kukutana nae itanifanya nicheke daima.
09:39
Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,
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Maombolezo hayatokei kwenye huu utupu,
09:41
it happens alongside of and mixed in with all of these other emotions.
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yanatokea pamoja na na ikichanganyika na hisia zote hizi nyingine.
09:50
So, I met Matthew, my current husband --
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Hivyo, nikakutana na Matthew, mme wangu wa sasa --
09:54
who doesn't love that title,
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ambae hapendi hicho cheo,
09:56
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
10:00
but it's so accurate.
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lakini ni sawa kabisa.
10:02
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
10:05
I met Matthew, and ...
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Nilikutana na Matthew, na ...
10:09
there was this audible sigh of relief among the people who love me,
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kulikua na hii pumzi ya wazi ya faraja kati ya watu wanaonipenda,
10:12
like, "It's over!
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kama, "Imekwisha!
10:16
She did it.
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Ameweza.
10:19
She got a happy ending, we can all go home.
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Amepata mwisho mzuri, tunaweza kurudi nyumbani sasa.
10:21
And we did good."
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Na tumefanya vizuri."
10:23
And that narrative is so appealing even to me,
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Na hio hadithi inafaa hata hata kwangu,
10:26
and I thought maybe I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
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na nikawaza labda nimeipata hio pia, lakini haikua hivyo.
10:30
I got another chapter.
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Nilipata sura nyingine.
10:33
And it's such a good chapter -- I love you, honey --
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Na ni sura nzuri sana -- nakupenda, mpenzi --
10:37
it's such a good chapter.
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ni sura nzuri sana.
10:39
But especially at the beginning, it was like an alternate universe,
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Tena haswahaswa mwanzoni, ilikua kama ulimwengu mbadala,
10:43
or one of those old "choose your own adventure" books from the '80s
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au moja ya vile vitabu ya zamani vya "chagua shani yako" vya miaka ya 80
10:46
where there are two parallel plot lines.
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ambapo kuna mistari miwili sambamba.
10:48
So I opened my heart to Matthew,
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Nikafungua moyo wangu kwa Matthew,
10:50
and my brain was like, "Would you like to think about Aaron?
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na ubongo wangu ukawa, "Ungependa kumfikiria Aaron?
10:54
Like, the past, the present, future, just get in there," and I did.
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Kama zamani, sasa, mbeleni, ingia tu huko," na nilifanya hivyo.
10:59
And all of a sudden, those two plots were unfurling at once,
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Na ghafla, hiyo mistari miwili ilifunguka kwa pamoja,
11:02
and falling in love with Matthew really helped me realize the enormity
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na kupendana na Matthew kumenisaidia sana kugundua ukubwa
11:05
of what I lost when Aaron died.
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wa nilichopoteza Aaron alivyofariki.
11:09
And just as importantly,
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Na ilivyo muhimu,
11:10
it helped me realize that my love for Aaron
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ilinisaidia kugundua kua upendo wangu kwa Aaron
11:14
and my grief for Aaron,
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na maombolezo yangu kwa Aaron,
11:16
and my love for Matthew, are not opposing forces.
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4531
na upendo wangu kwa Matthew, sio nguvu za kupishana.
11:22
They are just strands to the same thread.
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Ni sehemu tu za uzi mmoja
11:26
They're the same stuff.
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Ni vitu sawa sawa.
11:30
I'm ... what would my parents say?
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Wazazi wangu wangesemaje?
11:33
I'm not special.
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Mimi sio wa pekee.
11:35
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
11:36
They had four kids, they were like ... frankly.
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2536
Walikua na watoto wanne, walikua kama ... wa kweli.
11:39
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
11:41
But I'm not, I'm not special.
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Lakini mimi sio, mimi sio wa pekee.
11:42
I know that, I'm fully aware
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Ninajua hilo, ninajua vizuri
11:44
that all day, every day, all around the world,
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kua siku nzima, kila siku duniani kote,
11:47
terrible things are happening.
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vitu vibaya vinatokea.
11:49
All the time.
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Kila mara.
11:50
Like I said, fun person.
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Kama nilivyosema, mtu mcheshi.
11:52
But terrible things are happening,
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Lakini vitu vibaya vinatokea,
11:54
people are experiencing deeply formative and traumatic losses every day.
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watu wanapata hasara za kina na mbaya kila siku.
12:01
And as part of my job,
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Na kama sehemu ya kazi yangu,
12:03
this weird podcast that I have,
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hii podikasti ya ajabu niliyonayo,
12:05
I sometimes talk to people
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kuna mda ninaongea na watu
12:06
about the worst thing that's ever happened to them.
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kuhusu kitu kibaya kilichowahi kuwatokea.
12:09
And sometimes, that's the loss of someone they love,
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Na saa nyingine, hio ni kupotelewa na mpendwa,
12:12
sometimes days ago or weeks ago, years ago, even decades ago.
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mara nyingine siku, wiki miaka au miongo iliyopita.
12:18
And these people that I interview,
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Na hawa watu ninaowahoji,
12:20
they haven't closed themselves around this loss
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hawajajifungia wenyewe kwenye hii hasara
12:23
and made it the center of their lives.
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na kuifanya sehemu kuu ya maisha yao.
12:25
They've lived, their worlds have kept spinning.
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Wameishi, dunia zao zimeendelea kuzunguka.
12:31
But they're talking to me, a total stranger,
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Lakini wanaongea na mimi, mgeni kabisa,
12:34
about the person they love who has died,
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1935
kuhusu mtu wanaempenda aliyekufa,
12:36
because these are the experiences
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kwa sababu hivi ndivyo vitu tunavyopitia
12:39
that mark us and make us just as much as the joyful ones.
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vinavyotuonyesha na kutufanya kama tu wale wenye furaha.
12:45
And just as permanently.
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Na kama ilivyo ya kudumu.
12:48
Long after you get your last sympathy card
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Baadae baada ya kupata kadi yako ya mwisho ya huruma
12:51
or your last hot dish.
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au pishi la moto la mwisho.
12:53
Like, we don't look at the people around us
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Kama, hatuangalii watu wanaotuzunguka
12:55
experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to "move on," do we?
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wakipitia furaha na maajabu ya maisha na kuwaambia "wasonge mbele", ndio?
13:00
We don't send a card that's like, "Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
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Hatutumi kadi ambazo zinasema "Hongera kwa mtoto mzuri,"
13:03
and then, five years later, think like, "Another birthday party? Get over it."
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halafu, miaka mitano baadae, tunawaza, "Sherehe nyingine ya kuzaliwa? Acha hizo."
13:07
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
13:09
Yeah, we get it, he's five.
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1659
Ndio, tunaelewa, ana miaka mitano.
13:10
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
13:12
Wow.
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Wow.
13:13
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
13:16
But grief is kind of one of those things,
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2016
Lakini maombolezo ni moja ya vile vitu,
13:18
like, falling in love or having a baby or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
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kama kupenda au kuwa na mtoto au kuangalia "The Wire" kwenye HBO,
13:21
where you don't get it until you get it, until you do it.
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ambapo hauelewi mpaka upate, mpaka ufanye.
13:27
And once you do it, once it's your love or your baby,
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Na punde unavyofanya, punde ni mpenzi wako au mtoto wako,
13:32
once it's your grief and your front row at the funeral,
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punde ni maombolezo yako na uko mstari wa mbele kwenye msiba,
13:37
you get it.
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unaelewa.
13:39
You understand what you're experiencing is not a moment in time,
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Unaelewa unachopitia sio sehemu ya mda,
13:43
it's not a bone that will reset,
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sio mfupa kua utajirudi,
13:45
but that you've been touched by something chronic.
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lakini kua umeguswa na kitu kikali.
13:48
Something incurable.
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Kitu kisichotibika.
13:50
It's not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be.
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Hakiui, lakini saa nyingine yanakua kama yanaweza.
13:55
And if we can't prevent it in one another,
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Na kama hatuwezi kuzuia miongoni mwetu,
13:58
what can we do?
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nini tunaweza kufanya?
14:02
What can we do other than try to remind one another
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Nini tunaweza kufanya zaidi ya kukumbushiana
14:06
that some things can't be fixed,
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kua vitu vingine havirekebishiki,
14:10
and not all wounds are meant to heal?
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na sio kila kidonda kinapaswa kupona.
14:14
We need each other to remember,
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Tunahitajiana kukumbuka,
14:17
to help each other remember,
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kusaidiana kukumbuka,
14:19
that grief is this multitasking emotion.
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kua maombolezo ni hisia ya mambo mengi.
14:22
That you can and will be sad, and happy; you'll be grieving, and able to love
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Kua unaweza na utakua na huzuni, na furaha; utaomboleza na kupenda
14:28
in the same year or week, the same breath.
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kwenye mwaka au wiki au pumzi hio hio.
14:32
We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again.
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Tunahitaji kukumbuka kua mtu anaeomboleza ataenda kucheka na kutabasamu tena.
14:39
If they're lucky, they'll even find love again.
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Wakibahatika, wanaweza hata kupenda tena.
14:43
But yes, absolutely, they're going to move forward.
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Lakini ndio, hakika wataenda kusonga mbele.
14:48
But that doesn't mean that they've moved on.
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Lakini hiyo haimaanishi kua wameendelea mbele.
14:52
Thank you.
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Asanteni.
14:53
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
Kuhusu tovuti hii

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