We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED

翻译人员: Selah Lynn Wong 校对人员: Ziqing Ye

So, 2014 was a big year for me.

2014年对我来说， 是意义重大的一年。

Do you ever have that,

你以前有没有经历一个

just like a big year, like a banner year?

对你来说意义重大， 而且特别高产的一年？

For me, it went like this:

对我来说，在这样的一年里， 我是这样过的：

October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.

10月3日的时候，我经历了 二胎流产

And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.

然后10月8日的时候， 我的父亲死于癌症，

And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died

再到11月25日，我的丈夫艾伦 也过世了。

after three years with stage-four glioblastoma,

在他患上第四期的神经胶质 母细胞瘤的三年后。

which is just a fancy word for brain cancer.

说白了就是脑癌。

So, I'm fun.

所以我是个有趣的人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

People love to invite me out all the time.

大多数时候大家都很喜欢约我出去，

Packed social life.

我的社交生活非常充实。

Usually, when I talk about this period of my life,

通常当我谈起我人生的这一阶段时，

the reaction I get is essentially:

我得到的反应基本上都是这样的：

(Sighs)

（叹气）

"I can't -- I can't imagine."

“我……我无法想象你的感受。”

But I do think you can.

但我觉得在座的你们可以。

I think you can.

我真的认为你们可以想象到。

And I think that you should

而且我认为你们必须学会这样做，

because, someday, it's going to happen to you.

因为有一天，这种事情 也会发生在你们身上。

Maybe not these specific losses in this specific order or at this speed,

或许你们遇到的事情 不会和我完全一样，

可能发生在不同的顺序或时机，

but like I said, I'm very fun

不过就像我说的，我是个有趣的人

and the research that I have seen will stun you:

而我了解到的研究结果 肯定会吓你一跳：

everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying.

你所爱的人最后 都有100%的几率会死去。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And that's why you came to TED.

这也是为什么你今天会来到这里。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

So, since all of this loss happened,

自从我经历了这些丧亲之痛后，

I've made it a career to talk about death and loss,

我就把和大家谈论生死 变成了我的职业，

not just my own, because it's pretty easy to recap,

不仅仅是说出我的故事， 因为这很容易引起共鸣——

but the losses and tragedies that other people have experienced.

还有其他人经历的丧亲和悲剧。

It's a niche, I have to say.

我不得不说，我现在从事的这个职业 是个非常好的商机。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's a small niche, and I wish I made more money, but ...

虽然商机很小，而我希望我 赚的钱 （比这）更多，不过嘛……

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I've written some very uplifting books,

我写了几本鼓舞人心的书本，

host a very uplifting podcast, I started a little nonprofit.

主持了一个鼓舞人心的播客， 也开始了一些非盈利活动。

I'm just trying to do what I can

而我只是在竭尽我所能

to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable,

让更多感到难受的人变得好受一点，

and grief is so uncomfortable.

毕竟那些伤心和痛苦太令人难受了。

It's so uncomfortable, especially if it's someone else's grief.

尤其是当其他人对我们倾诉悲痛时， 这种感觉更甚。

So part of that work is this group that I started with my friend Moe,

所以我工作中有一项是，我和 我的朋友摩尔一起创立了一个社团，

who is also a widow;

她和我一样是一个寡妇，

we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.

我们为那个社团取名为 ‘性感年轻寡妇俱乐部’。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And it's real, we have membership cards

是真的！我们甚至有自己的会员卡

and T-shirts.

和专属的T恤。

And when your person dies, your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,

当你身边的人过世后，无论死去的 人是你的丈夫、妻子，

literally don't care if you were married,

抑或是男朋友、女朋友， 不管你有没有结婚过，

your friends and your family are just going to look around

你的家人朋友总是会下意识地

through friends of friends of friends of friends

通过他们的朋友的朋友的朋友 帮你寻找（伴侣），

until they find someone who's gone through something similar,

直到找到一个与你有相似经历的人，

然后他们就会把你推向对方

and then they'll push you towards each other

so you can talk amongst yourselves and not get your sad on other people.

让你们可以互相分担痛苦，同时也 避免把难过散播到身边其他人身上。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So that's what we do.

这些也是我们俱乐部正在做的事情。

It's just a series of small groups,

我们只是把人们聚集成一个个小组，

where men, women, gay, straight, married, partnered,

让不论是男人，女人，同性恋，异性恋， 已婚人士或者是有伴侣的人，

can talk about their dead person,

都可以谈谈他们身边已经过世的亲人，

and say the things

也可以大方地说出一些，

that the other people in their lives aren't ready or willing to hear yet.

现在他们周围的人们都 还没做好准备去聆听的事情。

Huge range of conversations.

他们聊天的话题可以很广泛。

Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,

就像：“我的丈夫两个星期前过世了，

I can't stop thinking about sex, is that normal?"

但一直在我脑海挥之不去的问题是 以后的性生活怎么办，这正常吗？”

Yeah.

当然正常啊。

"What if it's one of the Property Brothers?"

“但如果我性幻想对象是‘房产兄弟’的 其中一个人呢？那也正常吗？”

Less normal, but I'll accept it.

有一点偏离常规，但我可以接受。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public and I see old people holding hands,

又比如：“每当我出门一看到其他 老夫老妻在街上手牵手，”

couples who have clearly been together for decades,

很显然他们已经互相陪伴了几十年

and then I look at them and I imagine

当我看着他们，我竟然能想象到

all of the things they've been through together,

他们在一起那么多年 共同经历过的所有事情，

the good things, the bad things,

无论是好的事情还是坏的事，

the arguments they've had over who should take out the trash ...

抑或是他们之间曾为了谁 应该去丢垃圾而引发的小争执...

I just find my heart filled with rage."

一想到这些，我的内心 只有满满的愤怒。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And that example is personal to me.

而上面的例子正是我能够感同身受的。

Most of the conversations that we have in the group

我们在小组里面大部分的聊天内容

can and will just stay amongst ourselves,

都只有我们自己人知道，

but there are things that we talk about

不过我们谈论的事情有很多

that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent

那就是世界上大部分的人 的悲痛都是邻近的，

but not yet grief-stricken --

但人们又不至于被极度悲伤

could really benefit from hearing.

我们真的可以从听这些人 的谈论中受益良多。

And if you can't tell,

况且，如果你不知道，

I'm only interested in / capable of unscientific studies,

我只对一些非科学的课题 感兴趣/擅长，

so what I did was go to The Hot Young Widows Club

所以我去到了‘性感年轻寡妇俱乐部’ 问里面的成员：

and say, "Hello, friends, remember when your person died?" They did.

“朋友们，你们记得自己身边最亲的人 什么时候过世吗？”他们记得。

"Do you remember all the things people said to you?"

我又问：“那你们记得清 他们对你说过的话吗？”

"Oh, yeah."

“当然。”

"Which ones did you hate the most?"

“那他们说的哪一句话 是你们最讨厌的呢？”

I got a lot of comments, lot of answers, people say a lot of things,

我的问题得到了很多的回答， 所有人都发表了自己的看法，

but two rose to the top pretty quickly.

不过许多人都有提到这个答案。

"Moving on."

那就是：放下吧。

Now, since 2014,

那么，从2014年直至现在，

I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew,

我已经和一个叫马修的帅哥再婚了，

we have four children in our blended family,

我们一起养育来自不同家庭的四个小孩

we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.

并一起住在美国明尼苏达州的郊区- 明尼阿波里斯市，

We have a rescue dog.

也救了一只流浪狗。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I drive a minivan,

我现在还拥有一辆小卡车，

like the kind where doors open and I don't even touch them.

是我不需要用手就 可以把车门打开的那种小卡车。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.

就好像，以任何“尺度”来说， 生活是美好的。

I've also never said "mezhure," I've never once said it that way.

但我不曾用那种发音说过 ”尺度“这个字，一次都不曾。

(Laughter)

(笑声）

I don't know where that came from.

对于这个字的出处我甚至毫无头绪。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I've never heard anyone else say it that way.

因为我从不曾听过有谁 用这个发音去说过这个单词。

It looks like it should be said that way,

但那单词就像是 本该如此发音的一样，

and that's why the English language is trash, so ...

你们也知道，为什么英语这门语言 很”垃圾“，所以...

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So impressed with anyone who, like, speaks it

所以，我很佩服有人会喜欢说

in addition to a language that makes sense -- good job.

这么不靠谱的语言-- 干得好。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But by any measure ...

不过以任何衡量标准来说...

(Laughter)

（笑声）

By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven't "moved on."

以任何衡量标准来说，生活真的 很美好，但我并未真正“放下”。

I haven't moved on, and I hate that phrase so much,

我还没有真正忘记以前的伤痛， 并且非常讨厌“放下”这个词汇。

and I understand why other people do.

当然，我能够理解为什么其他人 和我一样也不喜欢这个词汇。

Because what it says

因为用忘记伤痛这个说法 就好像是在说

is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments

艾伦的生命，他的死亡以及我们 之间的爱都只是一瞬间的事情，

that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.

好像我下一秒就可以潇洒地 把这段关系抛诸脑后，

又或许是我应该那么做。

And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense,

所以每次谈起他，我总是那么 顺其自然地就使用了现在时语法，

and I've always thought that made me weird.

而我也一直认为我这个举动 在外人眼中很奇怪。

And then I noticed that everybody does it.

但我惊奇地发现身边的人 大多都和我一样。

And it's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful,

可这样并不代表我们拒绝接受亲人 的死亡，或者是忘了他们死亡的事实

it's because the people we love, who we've lost,

仅仅是因为我们爱的，失去的那些人

are still so present for us.

对我们来说依然那么的活灵活现。

So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."

每当我说起： “哦，艾伦还在干嘛干嘛”

It's because Aaron still is.

那只是因为艾伦对我来说 还是存在的。

And it's not in the way that he was before,

并不是以他之前的方式存在——

which was much better,

（他活着时）那比现在好太多了，

他也不是像教会那些人告诉我的那样

and it's not in the way that churchy people try to tell me that he would be.

It's just that he's indelible,

我只是，无法忘记他，

就算他走了，在我的潜意识里 他还是存在在我的生命中的。

and so he is present for me.

Here,

就像在这里，

he's present for me in the work that I do,

对于我现在的工作而言， 他作为故事的主角存在着，

in the child that we had together,

对于我们俩的孩子， 他作为一个父亲存在着，

in these three other children I'm raising,

对于我养育的其他三个孩子 来说他也是存在的，

who never met him, who share none of his DNA,

就算三个小孩不是他亲生的， 也没有见过艾伦本人，

but who are only in my life because I had Aaron

但是正是因为艾伦的存在， 他们才能够走进我的人生

毕竟是我失去了艾伦之后， 才有机会碰到他们。

and because I lost Aaron.

He's present in my marriage to Matthew,

在我和马修的婚姻里他也是存在的，

because Aaron's life and love and death

因为正是因为艾伦的生命， 他的爱和死亡教会我的事

made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.

把我塑造成一个马修想娶回家的女人

So I've not moved on from Aaron,

所以，我其实并不是忘记艾伦 死亡的伤痛后继续前进，

I've moved forward with him.

而是在接受了他离开的事实， 带着他和我们的回忆继续生活。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

We spread Aaron's ashes in his favorite river in Minnesota,

我们把艾伦的骨灰撒在了 他最喜欢的河里面，在明尼苏达州。

and when the bag was empty --

当我把整个袋子的骨灰 都倒进河里面之后，

because when you're cremated, you fit into a plastic bag --

因为尸体火葬之后，他们会 把骨灰装进一个袋子里面，

there were still ashes stuck to my fingers.

我的手指其实还沾附着 一些剩余的骨灰。

And I could have just put my hands in the water and rinsed them,

其实那时候我大可直接把手 放进河里冲洗干净，但我没有，

but instead, I licked my hands clean,

相反的，我用舌头把手指上 的骨灰舔干净，

because I was so afraid of losing more than I had already lost,

因为失去他之后，我已经不能承受 再失去任何有关他的东西，

and I was so desperate to make sure that he would always be a part of me.

我是那么渴望地想要确认 他永远会是我生命中的一部分

But of course he would be.

但现在想想，他早就是了。

Because when you watch your person fill himself with poison for three years,

当你看到你的爱人三年内 不断地尝试各种药物，

just so he can stay alive a little bit longer with you,

只为了让他的身体能够 再撑久一点，再活久一点，

that stays with you.

然后尽可能用仅剩的时间 和你待在一起。

When you watch him fade from the healthy person he was the night you met

当你亲眼见证他渐渐从你最初认识 的那个健康的男人变得虚弱，

to nothing, that stays with you.

从活力满满到日渐枯萎， 但依旧和你在一起。

When you watch your son, who isn't even two years old yet,

当你看着你根本不到两岁的儿子，

walk up to his father's bed on the last day of his life,

在他父亲临死前走到他的床前，

like he knows what's coming in a few hours,

就像是他早已明白接下来的 几个小时内即将发生的事情

and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."

对他爸爸说：“我爱你， 就这样，再见。”

That stays with you.

那些画面将是永远烙印在你 脑海里的记忆，伴你终身。

Just like when you fall in love, finally, like really fall in love

那一刻，就好像是你终于， 真正地爱上了一个

with someone who gets you and sees you

能够理解你并理解你的人。

and you even see, "Oh, my God, I've been wrong this entire time.

到了这时你才发现，“天啊， 我一直以来都错了。”

Love is not a contest or a reality show -- it's so quiet,

爱情并不像一场比赛或者真人秀 那么轰轰烈烈——它是安静的，

it's this invisible thread of calm that connects the two of us

爱情就像一条平静的，看不见的 绳子，紧紧地连接我们两人。

even when everything is chaos,

就算世界纷杂，

when things are falling apart, even when he's gone."

就算很多事情都崩溃瓦解， 就算在他死去以后，

That stays with you.

那份爱，依然跟着你。

We used to do this thing --

我和艾伦相处时有一个小习惯

because my hands are always freezing and he's so warm,

由于我的手是冰的， 而他的手总是热的，

所以我习惯把我冰冷的手 硬塞进他的衣服里，

where I would take my ice-cold hands and shove them up his shirt ...

press them against his hot bod.

然后紧紧把我的手按在 他温热的身体上。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And he hated it so much,

坦白说，他很反感我这种行为，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

but he loved me,

但是他爱我啊，

and after he died, I laid in bed with Aaron

在艾伦死去之后，我和他 躺在同一张床上

and I put my hands underneath him

并把我的手放在他身下

and I felt his warmth.

那一刻，我感受到他身体的余温

And I can't even tell you if my hands were cold,

那时候，我根本分不清楚 我的手到底是不是冰冷的，

but I can tell you

不过我可以告诉你

that I knew it was the last time I would ever do that.

我清楚地知道那将是我最后 一次能够做出那个动作。

And that that memory is always going to be sad.

而从那天起，这份记忆 便注定是悲伤的。

That memory will always hurt.

它一直都会。

就算到我有天活到了600岁，变成 一幅全息图的时候，还是会难过。

Even when I'm 600 years old and I'm just a hologram.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Just like the memory of meeting him is always going to make me laugh.

就像与他相识的那些回忆， 想起来时总会令我开心地笑。

Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,

而悲伤不是因为他离开后 生活中留下了空白才发生的，

it happens alongside of and mixed in with all of these other emotions.

它是掺杂在各种混合 的情绪里同时发生的。

So, I met Matthew, my current husband --

现在，我遇见了现任丈夫，马修，

who doesn't love that title,

虽然他并不喜欢现任的这个称号

(Laughter)

（笑声）

but it's so accurate.

不过这就是事实啊！

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I met Matthew, and ...

在我遇见马修之后...

there was this audible sigh of relief among the people who love me,

都可以听见周围那些爱我， 关心我的人宽慰地松了口气

like, "It's over!

像是在说：“哇，这一切终于过去了！

She did it.

她成功走出阴影了！

She got a happy ending, we can all go home.

也有了一个幸福的结局， 我们也可以放心了。

And we did good."

而且我们这个任务完成得挺好。”

And that narrative is so appealing even to me,

他们内心的旁白对我 而言是极具感染力的，

and I thought maybe I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.

而我也以为自己真的得到了 一个幸福完美的结局，但我没有

I got another chapter.

我得到的其实是一个新的篇章。

And it's such a good chapter -- I love you, honey --

这还是一个特别好的篇章—— 我爱你，亲爱的（篇章）

it's such a good chapter.

这是个特别好的，新开始。

But especially at the beginning, it was like an alternate universe,

不过尤其是一开始时，我感觉像是 在面对两个不断交替的世界，

or one of those old "choose your own adventure" books from the '80s

或像那种80年代的书里面 “选择你自己的人生”的那种情节

where there are two parallel plot lines.

就像两段感情都是平行的故事线。

So I opened my heart to Matthew,

所以当我对马修敞开心扉时，

and my brain was like, "Would you like to think about Aaron?

我的大脑会出现另外一个声音： “你会不会想起艾伦？”

Like, the past, the present, future, just get in there," and I did.

就像过去现在未来同时混合 在一起 ，而我也的确还会想起他

And all of a sudden, those two plots were unfurling at once,

突然间，这两条故事线 就同时在我眼前展开，

and falling in love with Matthew really helped me realize the enormity

爱上马修的同时我豁然开朗，

原来我因为艾伦的死亡 而失去的那些东西

of what I lost when Aaron died.

对我来说有多重要。

And just as importantly,

同等来说，

it helped me realize that my love for Aaron

这段感情也帮助我 意识到自己对艾伦的爱

and my grief for Aaron,

以及他离世带给我的悲痛，

and my love for Matthew, are not opposing forces.

但我对马修的爱和 对艾伦的爱不是对立的。

They are just strands to the same thread.

而是同一条线上的分叉。

They're the same stuff.

所以他们本质上是一样的。

I'm ... what would my parents say?

我是那种……我父母都 怎么形容我呢？

I'm not special.

我一点都不特别。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

They had four kids, they were like ... frankly.

因为他们有四个小孩，老实说...

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But I'm not, I'm not special.

但是我不特别，一点都不。

I know that, I'm fully aware

这件事我自己知道，我也清楚

that all day, every day, all around the world,

在世界各地，每一天

terrible things are happening.

都会有可怕的事情发生。

All the time.

无时无刻。

Like I said, fun person.

就像我说，人是有趣的。

But terrible things are happening,

不过总会有糟心事在不断地发生，

people are experiencing deeply formative and traumatic losses every day.

每一天都有人在经历着对 他们痛苦而影响重大的失去。

And as part of my job,

于是作为我工作中的一部分，

this weird podcast that I have,

在我主持的那个奇怪播客上，

I sometimes talk to people

我有时候会和人们谈谈

about the worst thing that's ever happened to them.

在他们身上发生过的， 最糟心的事情。

And sometimes, that's the loss of someone they love,

有时候他们告诉我，那是几天前， 几个星期前，几年前，

sometimes days ago or weeks ago, years ago, even decades ago.

甚至是几十年前 失去一些所爱的人的经历。

And these people that I interview,

但是我采访过的那些人，

they haven't closed themselves around this loss

他们并没有身陷在失去 爱人的阴影里走不出来，

and made it the center of their lives.

也没有围绕着这些 负面情绪走不出去。

They've lived, their worlds have kept spinning.

他们依然过自己该过的日子， 他们的世界不停转动，

But they're talking to me, a total stranger,

不过他们居然会对我， 一个陌生人敞开心扉，

about the person they love who has died,

谈论他们失去的那些所爱之人，

because these are the experiences

因为这些都是经历啊，

that mark us and make us just as much as the joyful ones.

就像那些快乐的经历一样， 在我们身上留下塑造我们的痕迹，

And just as permanently.

并且同样永久。

Long after you get your last sympathy card

就算是在你拿到你最后的吊唁信 或是最后一道热菜之后

or your last hot dish.

那些痕迹依旧将永久地跟着你。

Like, we don't look at the people around us

就像我们不会趁着自己身边的人

experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to "move on," do we?

在享受生活的快乐和奇迹的时候 告诉他们放下一切，不是吗？

We don't send a card that's like, "Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"

我们不会在送了一张恭贺别人 喜获贵子的贺卡之后，

and then, five years later, think like, "Another birthday party? Get over it."

还会想着要在五年后 去帮他孩子庆祝生日。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yeah, we get it, he's five.

对，我们知道他五岁了，所以呢？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Wow.

哇。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But grief is kind of one of those things,

不过悲痛和这些情绪都有一些相似，

like, falling in love or having a baby or watching "The Wire" on HBO,

像爱上了某个人，生了孩子，或者 在HBO电视台看了”THE WIRE“，

where you don't get it until you get it, until you do it.

你在去做某些事或得到某些东西之前， 永远都不能够理解那种感受。

And once you do it, once it's your love or your baby,

但只要你放手去做了， 只要那是你的爱人或孩子，

once it's your grief and your front row at the funeral,

只要是你的悲痛， 或者去世的是你的亲人时，

you get it.

你就会明白了。

You understand what you're experiencing is not a moment in time,

你会明白你正在经历的 不是一朝一夕的事情，

it's not a bone that will reset,

也不是一个可以被扭转的事情。

but that you've been touched by something chronic.

而是你真的被厄运的大手触碰了一下

Something incurable.

而这些厄运，是无药可救的。

It's not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be.

虽然悲痛的情绪让我们以为自己难受得 快要死掉，但这种情绪并不致命。

And if we can't prevent it in one another,

如果每个人面临的悲痛 都是无法避免的，

what can we do?

那我们还能做什么去缓解？

What can we do other than try to remind one another

除了尝试去提醒别人，

that some things can't be fixed,

有些事情发生了就无法再重来，

and not all wounds are meant to heal?

也不是每个伤口都需要愈合， 我们还能做什么？

We need each other to remember,

大家都需要谨记，

to help each other remember,

也要帮助他人谨记，

that grief is this multitasking emotion.

其实悲痛是一个多重情绪。

That you can and will be sad, and happy; you'll be grieving, and able to love

你在经历悲痛的同一年里，

你肯定会难过，但最终还是会开心； 你会痛苦，然后拥有爱人的能力，

in the same year or week, the same breath.

在同一年，同一周， 甚至同一个瞬间。

We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again.

我们只需记得，一个悲伤过的人 最终还是会继续展开笑颜。

If they're lucky, they'll even find love again.

如果足够幸运，他们 甚至可以再次遇见爱情。

But yes, absolutely, they're going to move forward.

是的，他们终究会继续向前走。

But that doesn't mean that they've moved on.

但那不代表他们放下了一切。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）