We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED

1,614,858 views ใƒป 2019-04-25

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์•„๋ž˜ ์˜๋ฌธ์ž๋ง‰์„ ๋”๋ธ”ํด๋ฆญํ•˜์‹œ๋ฉด ์˜์ƒ์ด ์žฌ์ƒ๋ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.

๋ฒˆ์—ญ: TJ Kim ๊ฒ€ํ† : Gichung Lee
00:12
So, 2014 was a big year for me.
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์ œ๊ฒŒ 2014๋…„์€ ์˜๋ฏธ๊ฐ€ ๋‚จ๋‹ค๋ฆ…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
00:15
Do you ever have that,
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์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ๋ถ„๋„ ์ด๋ ‡๊ฒŒ
00:16
just like a big year, like a banner year?
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์žŠ์„ ์ˆ˜ ์—†๋Š” ํ•ด๊ฐ€ ์žˆ์ง€ ์•Š๋‚˜์š”?
00:19
For me, it went like this:
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์ œ ๊ฒฝ์šฐ์—” ๋ฌด์Šจ ์ผ์ด ์žˆ์—ˆ๋ƒ๋ฉด
00:20
October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.
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10์›” 3์ผ์— ๋‘๋ฒˆ์งธ ์•„์ด๋ฅผ ์œ ์‚ฐํ•˜๊ณ 
00:23
And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.
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10์›” 8์ผ์—” ์•„๋น ๊ฐ€ ์•”์œผ๋กœ ๋Œ์•„ ๊ฐ€์‹œ์ฃ .
00:27
And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died
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๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  11์›” 25์ผ์—, ์ œ ๋‚จํŽธ ์• ๋Ÿฐ์ด ์„ธ์ƒ์„ ๋– ๋‚ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
00:29
after three years with stage-four glioblastoma,
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๋ง๊ธฐ ๊ต์•„์„ธํฌ์ข…์œผ๋กœ 3๋…„ ๋™์•ˆ ํˆฌ๋ณ‘ํ–ˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
00:32
which is just a fancy word for brain cancer.
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๋ณดํ†ต ๋‡Œ์ข…์–‘์ด๋ผ๊ณ  ํ•˜์ฃ .
00:36
So, I'm fun.
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ ์ „ ์œ ์พŒํ•˜์ฃ .
00:38
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
00:40
People love to invite me out all the time.
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“คํ•œํ…Œ ์ธ๊ธฐ๊ฐ€ ์ข€ ๋งŽ์•„์„œ
00:43
Packed social life.
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์‚ฌํšŒ์ƒํ™œ๋กœ ํ•ญ์ƒ ๋ฐ”์ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
00:45
Usually, when I talk about this period of my life,
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์–ด์ฉŒ๋‹ค, ๊ทธ ๋•Œ ์–˜๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ํ•˜๊ฒŒ ๋˜๋ฉด
00:48
the reaction I get is essentially:
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์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์˜ ๋ฐ˜์‘์€ ํ•œ๋งˆ๋””๋กœ
00:51
(Sighs)
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(ํ•œ์ˆจ)
00:53
"I can't -- I can't imagine."
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"์–ด๋จธ... ์ƒ์ƒ์ด ์•ˆ๋˜์š”."
00:57
But I do think you can.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ๋ฐ ์ƒ์ƒํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ์ž–์•„์š”.
00:59
I think you can.
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ํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋‹ค๊ณ  ๋ด์š”.
01:00
And I think that you should
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๋˜ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ํ•ด์•ผ์ฃ .
01:02
because, someday, it's going to happen to you.
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์–ธ์  ๊ฐ„ ๋ˆ„๊ตฌ๋‚˜ ๊ฒช๊ฒŒ ๋  ์ผ์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
01:04
Maybe not these specific losses in this specific order or at this speed,
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๋ˆ„๊ฐ€ ๋จผ์ € ์–ผ๋งˆ๋‚˜ ๋นจ๋ฆฌ ์„ธ์ƒ์„ ๋– ๋‚ ์ง„ ๋ชจ๋ฅด์ง€๋งŒ์š”.
01:09
but like I said, I'm very fun
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๋งํ•œ ๊ฒƒ์ฒ˜๋Ÿผ, ์ „ ์•„์ฃผ ์œ ์พŒํ•ด์š”.
01:10
and the research that I have seen will stun you:
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ๋ณธ ์•„์ฃผ ์ถฉ๊ฒฉ์ ์ธ ์—ฐ๊ตฌ๊ฒฐ๊ณผ๊ฐ€ ํ•˜๋‚˜ ์žˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
01:14
everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying.
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์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ๋ถ„์ด ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๋Š” ๋ชจ๋“  ์ด๋“ค์ด ์ฃฝ์„ ํ™•๋ฅ ์€ 100%๋ผ๋Š”๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
01:18
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
01:20
And that's why you came to TED.
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ ๋‹ค๋“ค TED์— ์˜ค์‹  ๊ฑฐ์ž–์•„์š”.
01:22
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
01:24
(Applause)
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(๋ฐ•์ˆ˜)
01:28
So, since all of this loss happened,
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์ด๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์„ ๋– ๋‚˜ ๋ณด๋‚ด๊ณ 
01:30
I've made it a career to talk about death and loss,
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์ €๋Š” ์ฃฝ์Œ๊ณผ ์ƒ์‹ค์— ๋Œ€ํ•ด ์–˜๊ธฐํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฑธ ์ง์—…์œผ๋กœ ์‚ผ์•˜์–ด์š”.
01:34
not just my own, because it's pretty easy to recap,
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์š”์•ฝํ•˜๊ธฐ ์‰ฌ์šด ์ œ ์–˜๊ธฐ๋งŒ ๋ฐ˜๋ณตํ•˜์ง€ ์•Š๊ณ 
01:36
but the losses and tragedies that other people have experienced.
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๋‹ค๋ฅธ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ๊ฒช๋Š” ์ƒ์‹ค๊ณผ ๋ถˆํ–‰์— ๋Œ€ํ•ด์„œ์ฃ .
01:40
It's a niche, I have to say.
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๊ดœ์ฐฎ์€ ํ‹ˆ์ƒˆ์‹œ์žฅ์ด์ž–์•„์š”.
01:43
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
01:45
It's a small niche, and I wish I made more money, but ...
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์ž‘์€ ํ‹ˆ์ƒˆ์‹œ์žฅ์ด๊ณ , ๋ˆ์„ ๋” ๋ฒŒ์—ˆ์Œ ์ข‹์•˜์„ ํ…๋ฐ ...
01:48
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
01:49
I've written some very uplifting books,
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ํฌ๋ง์„ ์ฃผ๋Š” ์ฑ…๋„ ๋ช‡ ๊ถŒ ์ผ๊ณ 
01:52
host a very uplifting podcast, I started a little nonprofit.
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์•„์ฃผ ์‹ ๋‚˜๋Š” ํŒŸ์บ์ŠคํŠธ๋„ ์ง„ํ–‰ํ•˜๋ฉฐ, ์ž‘์€ ๋น„์˜๋ฆฌ๋‹จ์ฒด๋„ ํ•˜๋‚˜ ์‹œ์ž‘ํ–ˆ์–ด์š”.
01:56
I'm just trying to do what I can
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์ €๋Š” ์ œ๊ฐ€ ํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋Š” ์„ ์—์„œ
01:57
to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable,
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๋” ๋งŽ์€ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ๋ถˆํŽธํ•œ ์ฃผ์ œ๋ฅผ ํŽธ์•ˆํ•˜๊ฒŒ ๋Š๋ผ์‹ค ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋„๋ก ๋•์Šต๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
02:01
and grief is so uncomfortable.
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์Šฌํ””์€ ์ฐธ ๋ถˆํŽธํ•œ ๊ฐ์ •์ด์ž–์•„์š”.
02:04
It's so uncomfortable, especially if it's someone else's grief.
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๋‹ค๋ฅธ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์˜ ์Šฌํ””์ด๋ผ๋ฉด ํŠนํžˆ ๋” ํ•˜๊ฒ ์ฃ .
02:09
So part of that work is this group that I started with my friend Moe,
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ ์ œ ์นœ๊ตฌ '๋ชจ'์™€ ๋ชจ์ž„์„ ํ•˜๋‚˜๋ฅผ ์‹œ์ž‘ํ–ˆ์–ด์š”.
02:13
who is also a widow;
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๊ทธ ์นœ๊ตฌ๋„ ๊ณผ๋ถ€๋ผ
02:14
we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.
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'์ Š๊ณ  ๋ฉ‹์ง„ ๊ณผ๋ถ€๋“ค์˜ ๋ชจ์ž„'์ด๋ผ ๋ถˆ๋ €์ฃ .
02:17
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
02:18
And it's real, we have membership cards
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์ง„์งœ๋กœ ํšŒ์›์ฆ๋„ ์žˆ๊ณ 
02:21
and T-shirts.
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ํ‹ฐ์…”์ธ ๋„ ์žˆ๊ฑฐ๋“ ์š”.
02:23
And when your person dies, your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
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๋‚จํŽธ, ๋ถ€์ธ, ์—ฌ์ž์นœ๊ตฌ, ๋‚จ์ž์นœ๊ตฌ ๋“ฑ ๊ฐ€๊นŒ์šด ๋ˆ„๊ตฐ๊ฐ€๊ฐ€ ์ฃฝ์œผ๋ฉด
02:26
literally don't care if you were married,
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๊ฒฐํ˜ผ ์—ฌ๋ถ€ ์ƒ๊ด€ ์—†์ด
02:28
your friends and your family are just going to look around
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์นœ๊ตฌ๋‚˜ ๊ฐ€์กฑ๋“ค์€ ์ฃผ๋ณ€์„ ์‚ดํ”ผ๊ธฐ ์‹œ์ž‘ํ•˜์ฃ .
02:31
through friends of friends of friends of friends
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์นœ๊ตฌ์˜ ์นœ๊ตฌ์˜ ์นœ๊ตฌ์˜ ์นœ๊ตฌ๋ฅผ ๊ฑฐ์ณ
02:34
until they find someone who's gone through something similar,
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๋น„์Šทํ•œ ์ผ์„ ๊ฒช์€ ๋ˆ„๊ตฐ๊ฐ€๋ฅผ ์ฐพ์•„ ๋‚ผ ๋•Œ ๊นŒ์ง€์š”.
02:37
and then they'll push you towards each other
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๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณค ์„œ๋กœ ๋ถ™์—ฌ ๋†“์œผ๋ ค๊ณ  ํ•˜๋Š”๋ฐ
02:39
so you can talk amongst yourselves and not get your sad on other people.
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๋‹ค๋ฅธ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค ๊ดด๋กญํžˆ์ง€ ๋ง๊ณ  ์Šฌํ””์„ ๊ฒฝํ—˜ํ•œ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค๋ผ๋ฆฌ ํ•ด๊ฒฐํ•ด ๋ณด๋ผ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ๊ฒ ์ฃ .
02:43
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
02:45
So that's what we do.
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๋ฐ”๋กœ ์ €ํฌ๊ฐ€ ํ•˜๋Š” ์ผ์ด์—์š”.
02:47
It's just a series of small groups,
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์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ ๊ฐœ์˜ ์ž‘์€ ๋ชจ์ž„๋“ค๋กœ
02:50
where men, women, gay, straight, married, partnered,
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๋‚จ์ž, ์—ฌ์ž, ๋™์„ฑ์• ์ž, ์ด์„ฑ์• ์ž, ๊ธฐํ˜ผ์ž, ๋™๊ฑฐ์ž ๋“ฑ ์ƒ๊ด€์—†์ด
02:54
can talk about their dead person,
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์ฃผ๋ณ€์— ์ฃฝ์€ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์— ๋Œ€ํ•œ
02:58
and say the things
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์–˜๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ๋‚˜๋ˆ„๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
03:00
that the other people in their lives aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
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๋“ค์–ด์ค„ ์ค€๋น„๋„ ์•ˆ๋๊ณ , ์—ฌ์œ ๋„ ์—†๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์€ ๋ง๊ณ ์š”.
03:03
Huge range of conversations.
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์ •๋ง ๋‹ค์–‘ํ•œ ๋Œ€ํ™”๊ฐ€ ์˜ค๊ฐ‘๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
03:06
Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,
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์˜ˆ๋ฅผ ๋“ค์–ด, "2์ฃผ ์ „์— ๋‚จํŽธ์ด ์ฃฝ์—ˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
03:08
I can't stop thinking about sex, is that normal?"
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์„น์Šค๊ฐ€ ๋„ˆ๋ฌด ํ•˜๊ณ  ์‹ถ์–ด์š”. ์ด๊ฑฐ ์ •์ƒ์ธ๊ฐ€์š”?"
03:10
Yeah.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿผ์š”.
03:11
"What if it's one of the Property Brothers?"
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"'ํ”„๋กœํผํ‹ฐ ๋ธŒ๋ผ๋”์Šค'์˜ ์Œ๋‘ฅ์ด ์ค‘ ํ•˜๋‚˜๋ž‘ ํ•˜๊ณ  ์‹ถ๋‹ค๋ฉด์š”?"
03:13
Less normal, but I'll accept it.
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์™„์ „ํžˆ ์ •์ƒ์€ ์•„๋‹Œ๋ฐ, ๊ดœ์ฐฎ์Šต๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
03:15
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
03:18
Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public and I see old people holding hands,
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์ด๋Ÿฐ ๊ฒƒ๋“ค์ด์ฃ . "๋ฐ–์—์„œ ์†์žก๊ณ  ๋‹ค๋‹ˆ๋Š” ๋…ธ์ธ๋“ค ์žˆ์ž–์•„์š”.
03:22
couples who have clearly been together for decades,
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๋ถ„๋ช…ํžˆ ๋ช‡์‹ญ๋…„์€ ๊ฐ™์ด ์‚ฐ ๊ฒƒ ๊ฐ™์€๋ฐ
03:25
and then I look at them and I imagine
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๋ณด๊ณ  ์žˆ์œผ๋ฉด ์ด๋Ÿฐ ์ƒ์ƒ์ด ๋“ค์–ด์š”.
03:27
all of the things they've been through together,
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์‚ด๋ฉด์„œ ํ•จ๊ป˜ ๊ฒช์—ˆ์„ ๋งŒํ•œ ์žก๋‹คํ•œ ์ผ๋“ค
03:30
the good things, the bad things,
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์ข‹์•˜๋˜ ์•ˆ์ข‹์•˜๋˜
03:31
the arguments they've had over who should take out the trash ...
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๋ˆ„๊ฐ€ ์“ฐ๋ ˆ๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ์น˜์šธ์ง€ ์‹ค๋ž‘์ดํ•˜๊ณ  ...
03:34
I just find my heart filled with rage."
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฌ๋‹ค ๊ฐ‘์ž๊ธฐ ํ™• ์—ด์ด ๋ฐ›์ณ์š”."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
03:38
And that example is personal to me.
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์ €๋„ ๊ณต๊ฐํ•˜๋Š” ์–˜๊ธฐ์ฃ .
03:42
Most of the conversations that we have in the group
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์ด ๋ชจ์ž„์—์„œ ๋‚˜๋ˆ„๋Š” ๋Œ€ํ™”์˜ ๋Œ€๋ถ€๋ถ„์€
03:45
can and will just stay amongst ourselves,
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์ €ํฌ๋“ค๋งŒ์˜ ๋น„๋ฐ€์ด์ง€๋งŒ
03:47
but there are things that we talk about
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์„ธ์ƒ๊ณผ ๊ณต์œ ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒƒ๋„ ์žˆ์–ด์š”.
03:49
that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent
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์•„์ง ์™„์ „ํžˆ๋Š” ์•„๋‹ˆ์ง€๋งŒ ์Šฌํ””์ด ๊ฐ€๊นŒ์ด์˜จ
03:52
but not yet grief-stricken --
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์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์—๊ฒŒ
03:53
could really benefit from hearing.
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ํฐ ๋„์›€์ด ๋  ์ˆ˜๋„ ์žˆ์œผ๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
03:55
And if you can't tell,
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๋ชจ๋ฅด์‹ค ์ˆ˜๋„ ์žˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
03:57
I'm only interested in / capable of unscientific studies,
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๋น„๊ณผํ•™์ ์ธ ์—ฐ๊ตฌ๋“ค์—๋งŒ ๊ด€์‹ฌ์ด ์žˆ๊ณ  ๊ทธ์ชฝ์— ์ผ๊ฐ€๊ฒฌ์ด ์žˆ๊ธฐ๋„ ํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
04:01
so what I did was go to The Hot Young Widows Club
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ ์ Š๊ณ  ๋ฉ‹์ง„ ๊ณผ๋ถ€๋“ค์˜ ๋ชจ์ž„์— ๋‚˜๊ฐ€
04:03
and say, "Hello, friends, remember when your person died?" They did.
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"๊ฐ€๊นŒ์šด ์ด๊ฐ€ ์ฃฝ์—ˆ์„ ๋•Œ ๊ธฐ์–ตํ•˜์ฃ ?" ๋ผ๊ณ  ๋ฌผ์œผ๋ฉด ๋‹ค๋“ค ๊ทธ๋ ‡๋‹ค๊ณ  ๋Œ€๋‹ตํ•˜์ฃ .
04:08
"Do you remember all the things people said to you?"
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"์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ์œ„๋กœํ•˜๋ ค๊ณ  ํ–ˆ๋˜ ๋ง๋“ค์€ ์ƒ๊ฐ๋‚˜์„ธ์š”?"
"๊ทธ๋Ÿผ์š”."
04:11
"Oh, yeah."
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04:12
"Which ones did you hate the most?"
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"์ œ์ผ ๋“ฃ๊ธฐ ์‹ซ์—ˆ๋˜ ๋ง์ด ๋ญ์ฃ ?"
์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ๋งํ•˜๋Š” ์•„์ฃผ ๋งŽ์€ ๊ฒƒ๋“ค ์ค‘์—
04:14
I got a lot of comments, lot of answers, people say a lot of things,
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04:17
but two rose to the top pretty quickly.
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๋‘๊ฐ€์ง€๊ฐ€ ๊ธˆ๋ฐฉ ์„ ๋‘๋กœ ์˜ฌ๋ผ์„ฐ์–ด์š”.
04:20
"Moving on."
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"๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚˜์•ผ์ง€ ์ด์ œ."
04:23
Now, since 2014,
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์ €๋Š” 2014๋…„์—
04:26
I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew,
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์•„์ฃผ ์ž˜์ƒ๊ธด ๋งคํŠœ๋ผ๋Š” ๋‚จ์ž์™€ ์žฌํ˜ผํ–ˆ์–ด์š”.
04:30
we have four children in our blended family,
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๋‘˜์ด ํ•ฉ์ณ์„œ๋Š” ์• ๊ฐ€ ๋„ท์ด๊ณ 
04:33
we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
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๋ฏธ๊ตญ ๋ฏธ๋„ค์†Œํƒ€ ๋ฏธ๋‹ˆ์•„ํด๋ฆฌ์Šค ๊ต์™ธ์— ์‚ด๊ณ  ์žˆ์–ด์š”.
04:36
We have a rescue dog.
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๊ตฌ์กฐ๊ฒฌ๋„ ํ•˜๋‚˜ ์žˆ์ฃ .
04:38
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
04:39
I drive a minivan,
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๋ฏธ๋‹ˆ๋ฐด์„ ๋ชฐ๊ณ  ๋‹ค๋‹ˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
04:41
like the kind where doors open and I don't even touch them.
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์† ์•ˆ๋Œ€๋„ ์ž๋™์œผ๋กœ ๋ฌธ์ด ์—ด๋ฆฌ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ ์žˆ์ž–์•„์š”.
04:43
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
04:45
Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.
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์•„๋ฌด๋ฆฌ "๋”ฐ์ฅฌ์–ด"๋ด๋„, ์ข‹์€ ์‚ถ์ž…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
04:48
I've also never said "mezhure," I've never once said it that way.
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"๋”ฐ์ฅฌ์–ด"๋ผ๊ณ  ๋งํ•˜์ง€ ์•Š์•˜์–ด์š”. ํ•œ๋ฒˆ๋„ ์ด๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ๋งํ•ด ๋ณธ ์ ์ด ์—†๋Š”๋ฐ.
04:51
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
04:56
I don't know where that came from.
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์–ด๋””์„œ ํŠ€์–ด๋‚˜์˜จ ๊ฑด์ง€ ๋ชจ๋ฅด๊ฒ ๋„ค์š”.
04:58
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
05:00
I've never heard anyone else say it that way.
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๋ˆ„๊ฐ€ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ๋งํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒƒ๋„ ๋“ค์–ด ๋ณธ ์ ์ด ์—†๋Š”๋ฐ ๋ง์ด์ฃ .
05:02
It looks like it should be said that way,
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์™ ์ง€ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ํ•ด์•ผ ํ•  ๊ฒƒ๋งŒ ๊ฐ™์•„์„œ์š”.
05:04
and that's why the English language is trash, so ...
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์˜์–ด๋ž€ ์–ธ์–ด๊ฐ€ ์—‰๋ง์ธ ์ด์œ ์ฃ  ...
05:07
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
05:08
So impressed with anyone who, like, speaks it
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๋‹ค๋ฅธ ์–ธ์–ด๋ฅผ ํ•˜๋ฉด์„œ ์˜์–ด๊นŒ์ง€ ํ•˜๋Š”
05:10
in addition to a language that makes sense -- good job.
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๋ถ„๋“ค์„ ๋ณด๋ฉด ์ •๋ง ๊ฐํƒ„์Šค๋Ÿฌ์›Œ์š”, ์ฐธ ์ž˜ํ•˜์…จ์–ด์š”.
05:13
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
05:15
But by any measure ...
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฌ๋‹ˆ๊นŒ ์•„๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ๋”ฐ์ ธ๋ด๋„ ...
05:16
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
05:18
By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven't "moved on."
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์ œ ์‚ถ์€ ์•„์ฃผ ์•„์ฃผ ํ–‰๋ณตํ•œ๋ฐ ์ €๋Š” ์•„์ง "๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚˜์ง€" ๋ชปํ–ˆ์Šต๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
05:24
I haven't moved on, and I hate that phrase so much,
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์•„์ง ๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚˜์ง€ ๋ชปํ–ˆ๊ณ  ๊ทธ ๋ง ์กฐ์ฐจ๋„ ์ •๋ง ์‹ซ์€๋ฐ
05:27
and I understand why other people do.
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๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ์ƒ๊ฐํ•˜๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค๋„ ์ดํ•ดํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ์–ด์š”.
05:28
Because what it says
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์™œ๋ƒ๋ฉด ๊ทธ ๋ง์€
05:30
is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์˜ ์‚ถ๊ณผ ์ฃฝ์Œ, ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  ์‚ฌ๋ž‘์ด ๊ทธ๋ƒฅ ์Šค์ณ ์ง€๋‚˜๊ฐˆ ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋Š”
05:34
that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.
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์ˆœ๊ฐ„์ผ ๋ฟ์ด๋ž€ ๋ง์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”- ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  ์–ด์ฉŒ๋ฉด ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ํ•ด์•ผํ•œ๋‹ค๊ณ ์š”.
05:38
And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense,
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์— ๋Œ€ํ•œ ์–˜๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ํ•  ๋•Œ๋ฉด ์•„์ฃผ ์‰ฝ๊ฒŒ ํ˜„์žฌํ˜•์„ ์“ฐ๊ฒŒ ๋˜๋Š”๋ฐ
05:42
and I've always thought that made me weird.
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ํ•ญ์ƒ ์ด์ƒํ•˜๊ฒŒ ๋Š๊ปด์กŒ์–ด์š”.
05:45
And then I noticed that everybody does it.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ๋ฐ ๋ˆ„๊ตฌ๋‚˜ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๋”๋ผ๊ณ ์š”.
05:48
And it's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful,
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๋ฐ›์•„ ๋“ค์ด์ง€ ์•Š๊ฑฐ๋‚˜ ์‰ฝ๊ฒŒ ์žŠ์–ด์„œ๊ฐ€ ์•„๋‹ˆ๋ผ
05:52
it's because the people we love, who we've lost,
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์šฐ๋ฆฌ๊ฐ€ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๋Š” ์ด๋“ค์€ ๋– ๋‚˜๊ฐ€๊ธด ํ–ˆ์ง€๋งŒ
05:55
are still so present for us.
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์—ฌ์ „ํžˆ ํ•จ๊ป˜ ํ•˜๊ณ  ์žˆ๊ธฐ ๋•Œ๋ฌธ์ด์ฃ .
05:58
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."
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"์‘, ์• ๋Ÿฐ์ด ์ด๋ ‡๊ณ  ์ €๋ž˜ ..." ๋ผ๊ณ  ์ œ๊ฐ€ ๋งํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฑด
06:02
It's because Aaron still is.
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๊ทธ์ด๊ฐ€ ์—ฌ์ „ํžˆ ๊ณ์— ์žˆ์œผ๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
06:05
And it's not in the way that he was before,
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์˜ˆ์ „์˜ ๋ชจ์Šต ๊ทธ๋Œ€๋กœ๋Š” ์•„๋‹ˆ๊ณ 
06:07
which was much better,
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(์˜ˆ์ „์—๋Š” ํ›จ์”ฌ ๋” ๋‚˜์•˜์ฃ .)
06:09
and it's not in the way that churchy people try to tell me that he would be.
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๊ตํšŒ ๋‹ค๋‹ˆ๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ๋งํ•˜๋Š” ๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ์‹๋„ ์•„๋‹ˆ์ง€๋งŒ์š”.
06:12
It's just that he's indelible,
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๋‹จ์ง€ ๋งˆ์Œ ์†์—์„œ ์ง€์›Œ์ง€์ง€ ์•Š๊ณ 
06:17
and so he is present for me.
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์ €๋ฅผ ์œ„ํ•ด ๊ณ์— ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์—์š”.
06:20
Here,
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์—ฌ๊ธฐ
06:21
he's present for me in the work that I do,
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ์ผํ•  ๋•Œ๋„ ํ•จ๊ป˜ ํ•˜๊ณ 
06:24
in the child that we had together,
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๋‘˜์ด์„œ ๋‚ณ์€ ์•„์ด์™€ ์žˆ์„ ๋•Œ๋„
06:26
in these three other children I'm raising,
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๋‚˜๋จธ์ง€ ์„ธ ๋ช…์˜ ์•„์ด๋“ค์„ ํ‚ค์šธ ๋•Œ๋„์š”.
06:28
who never met him, who share none of his DNA,
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๊ทธ๋Š” ์ด ์•„์ด๋“ค์„ ํ•œ ๋ฒˆ ๋ณด์ง€๋„ ๋ชปํ–ˆ๊ณ  ํ”ผ๋„ ์•ˆ ์„ž์˜€์ง€๋งŒ
06:31
but who are only in my life because I had Aaron
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์ด ์žˆ์—ˆ๊ณ , ๋˜ ๊ทธ๊ฐ€ ์„ธ์ƒ์„ ๋– ๋‚ฌ๊ธฐ ๋•Œ๋ฌธ์—
06:35
and because I lost Aaron.
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์ œ ์‚ถ์— ๋“ค์–ด ์˜จ ์•„์ด๋“ค์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
06:38
He's present in my marriage to Matthew,
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๋งคํŠœ์™€์˜ ๊ฒฐํ˜ผ์ƒํ™œ์—๋„ ํ•จ๊ป˜ํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
06:40
because Aaron's life and love and death
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์˜ ์‚ถ๊ณผ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘, ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  ์ฃฝ์Œ์ด
06:43
made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.
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๋งคํŠœ๊ฐ€ ๊ฒฐํ˜ผํ•ด ์‚ด๊ณ  ์‹ถ์€ ์ €๋ฅผ ๋งŒ๋“  ์…ˆ์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
06:46
So I've not moved on from Aaron,
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ, ์ „ ์• ๋Ÿฐ์„ ๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚œ๊ฒŒ ์•„๋‹ˆ๋ผ
06:50
I've moved forward with him.
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๊ทธ์™€ ํ•จ๊ป˜ ์‚ด์•„๊ฐ€๊ณ  ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์—์š”.
06:56
(Applause)
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(๋ฐ•์ˆ˜)
07:02
We spread Aaron's ashes in his favorite river in Minnesota,
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์ด ๊ฐ€์žฅ ์ข‹์•„ํ•˜๋Š” ๋ฏธ๋„ค์†Œํƒ€์˜ ๊ฐ•์— ๊ทธ์˜ ์žฌ๋ฅผ ๋ฟŒ๋ ธ๋Š”๋ฐ
07:07
and when the bag was empty --
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๋‹ค ๋ฟŒ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  ๋‚˜์„œ ๋ณด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ ...
07:09
because when you're cremated, you fit into a plastic bag --
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ํ™”์žฅํ•˜๋ฉด ๋น„๋‹๋ด‰์ง€ ํ•˜๋‚˜์— ๋“ค์–ด๊ฐˆ ๋งŒํผ ์žฌ๊ฐ€ ๋‚˜์˜ค์ž–์•„์š”-
07:13
there were still ashes stuck to my fingers.
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์†ํ†ฑ ์—ฌ๊ธฐ ์ €๊ธฐ์— ๋ผ์–ด ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์—์š”.
07:16
And I could have just put my hands in the water and rinsed them,
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๋ฌผ ์†์— ์†์„ ๋„ฃ์–ด ์”ป์–ด ๋ฒ„๋ฆด ์ˆ˜๋„ ์žˆ์—ˆ๋Š”๋ฐ
07:20
but instead, I licked my hands clean,
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๋Œ€์‹  ๊นจ๋—ํ•˜๊ฒŒ ํ•ฅ์•„ ๋จน์—ˆ์–ด์š”.
07:23
because I was so afraid of losing more than I had already lost,
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์ด๋ฏธ ์žƒ์€ ๊ฒƒ๋ณด๋‹ค ๋” ์žƒ์–ด์•ผ ํ•œ๋‹ค๋Š” ์ƒ๊ฐ์— ๋„ˆ๋ฌด ๋‘๋ ค์› ๊ณ 
07:27
and I was so desperate to make sure that he would always be a part of me.
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๊ทธ์ด๊ฐ€ ์ œ ์ผ๋ถ€๊ฐ€ ๋์œผ๋ฉด ํ•˜๋Š” ๋ฐ”๋žจ์ด ๋„ˆ๋ฌด ๊ฐ„์ ˆํ–ˆ์œผ๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
07:32
But of course he would be.
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๋ถ„๋ช… ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ๋์„ ๊ฑฐ์—์š”.
07:34
Because when you watch your person fill himself with poison for three years,
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๋ˆ„๊ตฐ๊ฐ€ ์กฐ๊ธˆ์ด๋ผ๋„ ๋” ์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ๋ถ„ ๊ณ์— ์žˆ๊ธฐ ์œ„ํ•ด 3๋…„ ๋™์•ˆ
07:39
just so he can stay alive a little bit longer with you,
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๋ชธ์— ๋…์„ ์ฃผ์ž…ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฑธ ์ง€์ผœ๋ณธ
07:42
that stays with you.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ๊ธฐ์–ต์€ ๋‚จ๊ฒŒ ๋˜๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
07:45
When you watch him fade from the healthy person he was the night you met
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์ฒ˜์Œ ๋งŒ๋‚ฌ์„ ๋•Œ, ๊ทธ ๊ฑด๊ฐ•ํ–ˆ๋˜ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์ด ์„œ์„œํžˆ ์‚ฌ๋ผ์ ธ ๊ฐ€๋Š” ๊ฑธ ์ง€์ผœ๋ณธ
07:49
to nothing, that stays with you.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ๊ธฐ์–ต์€ ๋‚จ๊ฒŒ ๋˜๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
07:51
When you watch your son, who isn't even two years old yet,
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2์‚ด๋„ ์ฑ„ ์•ˆ๋œ ์•„๋“ค์ด ์•„๋น ๊ฐ€ ๋งˆ์ง€๋ง‰์œผ๋กœ ์ˆจ์„ ๊ฑฐ๋‘” ๊ทธ ๋‚ 
07:54
walk up to his father's bed on the last day of his life,
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๋ช‡ ์‹œ๊ฐ„ ํ›„์— ๋ฒŒ์–ด์งˆ ์ผ์„ ์•Œ๊ณ  ์žˆ๊ธฐ๋ผ๋„ ํ•œ ๋“ฏ
07:57
like he knows what's coming in a few hours,
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์•„๋น ๊ฐ€ ๋ˆ„์›Œ์žˆ๋Š” ์นจ๋Œ€๋กœ ๊ฐ€์„œ
07:59
and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."
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"์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•ด. ๋๋‚ฌ์–ด. ์ž˜ ๊ฐ€."๋ผ๊ณ  ๋งํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฑธ ์ง€์ผœ๋ณธ
08:05
That stays with you.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ๊ธฐ์–ต์€ ๋‚จ๊ฒŒ ๋˜๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
08:09
Just like when you fall in love, finally, like really fall in love
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์‚ฌ๋ž‘์— ๋น ์ง€๋ฉด, ๋งˆ์นจ๋‚ด ์ง„์งœ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘์— ๋น ์ง€๋ฉด
08:14
with someone who gets you and sees you
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๋‹น์‹ ์„ ์ดํ•ดํ•ด ์ฃผ๊ณ  ๋ฐ”๋ผ๋ด ์ฃผ๋Š” ๋ˆ„๊ตฐ๊ฐ€์™€์š”.
08:16
and you even see, "Oh, my God, I've been wrong this entire time.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿผ ์ด๋Ÿฐ ๋ง์ด ๋‚˜์˜ค์ฃ , "์ง€๊ธˆ๊ป ๋‚ด๊ฐ€ ์ž˜ ๋ชป ์ƒ๊ฐํ–ˆ์–ด.
08:19
Love is not a contest or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
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์‚ฌ๋ž‘์€ ๊ฒฝ์Ÿ๋„ ๋ฆฌ์–ผ๋ฆฌํ‹ฐ ์‡ผ๋„ ์•„๋‹ˆ๊ณ - ์•„์ฃผ ์ž”์ž”ํ•ด.
08:24
it's this invisible thread of calm that connects the two of us
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๋‘˜ ์‚ฌ์ด๋ฅผ ํ‰์˜จํ•˜๊ฒŒ ์ด์–ด์ฃผ๋Š” ๋ณด์ด์ง€ ์•Š๋Š” ๋ˆ ๊ฐ™์•„.
08:28
even when everything is chaos,
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๋ชจ๋“  ๊ฒŒ ์—‰๋ง์ผ ๋•Œ๋„
08:29
when things are falling apart, even when he's gone."
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ํ•œ ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์ด ๋– ๋‚˜๊ณ  ๋ชจ๋“ ๊ฒŒ ๋ฌด๋„ˆ์ ธ ๋‚ด๋ฆด ๋•Œ๋„."
08:34
That stays with you.
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ๊ธฐ์–ต์€ ๋‚จ๊ฒŒ ๋ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
08:38
We used to do this thing --
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๋‘˜์ด์„œ ์ž์ฃผ ํ•˜๋˜ ๊ฒƒ์ด ์žˆ๋Š”๋ฐ-
08:40
because my hands are always freezing and he's so warm,
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์ œ ์†์€ ํ•ญ์ƒ ์ฐฌ๋ฐ, ๊ทธ์ด์˜ ๋ชธ์€ ๋”ฐ๋œปํ•ด์„œ
08:43
where I would take my ice-cold hands and shove them up his shirt ...
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๊ทธ์˜ ์œ—๋„๋ฆฌ ์•ˆ์œผ๋กœ ์–ผ์Œ์ฒ˜๋Ÿผ ์ฐฌ ์ œ ์†์„ ๋„ฃ๊ณ  ...
08:46
press them against his hot bod.
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๋œจ๊ฑฐ์šด ๋ชธ๋šฑ์ด์—๋‹ค ๋ฌธ์ง€๋ฅด๊ณค ํ–ˆ์–ด์š”.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
08:51
And he hated it so much,
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์—„์ฒญ๋‚˜๊ฒŒ ์‹ซ์–ดํ–ˆ์ฃ .
08:53
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
08:54
but he loved me,
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ํ•˜์ง€๋งŒ ์ ˆ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ–ˆ์ฃ .
08:56
and after he died, I laid in bed with Aaron
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๊ทธ์ด๊ฐ€ ์ˆจ์„ ๊ฑฐ๋‘๊ณ , ์ €๋Š” ๋ฐ”๋กœ ์˜†์— ๋ˆ„์› ์–ด์š”.
09:01
and I put my hands underneath him
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๋ฐ‘์œผ๋กœ ์†์„ ๋„ฃ์–ด ๋ดค๊ณ 
09:05
and I felt his warmth.
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๊ทธ์˜ ์˜จ๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ๋Š๋‚„ ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ์—ˆ์ฃ .
09:10
And I can't even tell you if my hands were cold,
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๊ทธ ๋•Œ ์ œ ์†์ด ์ฐผ๋Š”์ง€๋Š” ๋ชจ๋ฅด์ง€๋งŒ
09:13
but I can tell you
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๋ถ„๋ช…ํ•œ ๊ฑด
09:15
that I knew it was the last time I would ever do that.
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๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋Š”๊ฒŒ ๋งˆ์ง€๋ง‰์ด๋ž€ ๊ฑฐ์˜€์ฃ .
09:20
And that that memory is always going to be sad.
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์–ธ์ œ๋‚˜ ์Šฌํ”Œ ์ˆ˜ ๋ฐ–์— ์—†๋Š” ๊ธฐ์–ต์ด๊ณ 
09:23
That memory will always hurt.
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์ƒ๊ฐ๋‚  ๋•Œ๋งˆ๋‹ค ๋งˆ์Œ์ด ์•„ํ”Œ๊ฑฐ์—์š”.
09:26
Even when I'm 600 years old and I'm just a hologram.
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์ œ๊ฐ€ 6๋ฐฑ์‚ด์ด ๋˜์„œ, ํ™€๋กœ๊ทธ๋žจ์œผ๋กœ์ด ๋˜์–ด์„œ๋„์š”.
09:28
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
09:32
Just like the memory of meeting him is always going to make me laugh.
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๋‘˜์ด ์ฒ˜์Œ ๋งŒ๋‚ฌ์„ ๋•Œ๋ฅผ ์ƒ๊ฐํ•˜๋ฉด ํ•ญ์ƒ ์›ƒ๊ฒŒ๋˜๋Š” ๊ฒƒ ์ฒ˜๋Ÿผ์š”.
09:39
Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,
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๋ณ„์•ˆ๊ฐ„์— ์Šฌํผ์ง€์ง„ ์•Š์ฃ .
09:41
it happens alongside of and mixed in with all of these other emotions.
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์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ ๊ฐ์ •๋“ค์ด ๋’ค์„ž์ด๋ฉฐ ๋‚˜ํƒ€๋‚˜๋Š” ๋ฒ•์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
09:50
So, I met Matthew, my current husband --
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฌ๋‹ค๊ฐ€, โ€˜์ง€๊ธˆ ๋‚จํŽธโ€™์ธ ๋งคํŠœ๋ฅผ ๋งŒ๋‚ฌ์–ด์š”.
09:54
who doesn't love that title,
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ๋ถ€๋ฅด๋ฉด ์‹ซ์–ดํ•ด์š”.
09:56
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
10:00
but it's so accurate.
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๊ทธ๋ž˜๋„ ์ •ํ™•ํ•œ ํ‘œํ˜„์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ.
10:02
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
10:05
I met Matthew, and ...
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๋งคํŠœ๋ฅผ ๋งŒ๋‚˜๊ณ ...
10:09
there was this audible sigh of relief among the people who love me,
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์ €๋ฅผ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์ด ์•ˆ๋„ํ•˜๋Š” ์†Œ๋ฆฌ๊ฐ€ ๋“ค๋ฆฌ๊ธฐ ์‹œ์ž‘ํ–ˆ์ฃ .
10:12
like, "It's over!
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"๋์–ด ์ด์ œ!
10:16
She did it.
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๊ทธ ์• ๊ฐ€ ํ•ด๋ƒˆ์–ด.
10:19
She got a happy ending, we can all go home.
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์ด์   ํ–‰๋ณตํ•  ์ผ๋งŒ ๋‚จ์•˜์œผ๋‹ˆ, ์‹ ๊ฒฝ๊บผ๋„ ๋ผ.
10:21
And we did good."
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์šฐ๋ฆฌ๊ฐ€ ์ž˜ ํ•ด๋ƒˆ์–ด."
10:23
And that narrative is so appealing even to me,
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์ €ํ•œํ…Œ๋„ ๊ฝค ์†”๊นƒํ•˜๊ฒŒ ๋“ค๋ ธ๊ณ 
10:26
and I thought maybe I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
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์ƒˆ ์‚ถ์„ ์–ป์€ ๊ฑด๊ฐ€ ํ•˜๊ธฐ๋„ ํ–ˆ๋Š”๋ฐ, ๊ทธ๋ ‡์ง€ ์•Š๊ณ 
10:30
I got another chapter.
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์‚ถ์˜ ๋‹ค์Œ ์žฅ์ด ์—ด๋ ธ์„ ๋ฟ์ž…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
10:33
And it's such a good chapter -- I love you, honey --
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์•„์ฃผ ์žฌ๋ฐŒ๋Š” ๋ถ€๋ถ„์ž…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค... ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•ด, ์—ฌ๋ณด...
10:37
it's such a good chapter.
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์•„์ฃผ ์žฌ๋ฐŒ๋Š” ๋ถ€๋ถ„์ด์š”.
10:39
But especially at the beginning, it was like an alternate universe,
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ๋ฐ, ํŠนํžˆ๋‚˜ ์ดˆ๊ธฐ์—๋Š” ์–ด๋–ค '๋Œ€์ฒด ์šฐ์ฃผ'์— ์กด์žฌํ•˜๊ฑฐ๋‚˜
10:43
or one of those old "choose your own adventure" books from the '80s
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๋‘ ๊ฐ€์ง€์˜ ํ‰ํ–‰ํ•œ ์ด์•ผ๊ธฐ ๊ตฌ์กฐ๋ฅผ ๊ฐ€์ง„ 80๋…„๋Œ€์˜ "์Šค์Šค๋กœ ์„ ํƒํ•˜๋Š” ์šด๋ช…"์— ๊ด€ํ•œ
10:46
where there are two parallel plot lines.
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์ฑ… ์†์— ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ธฐ๋ถ„์ด์—ˆ์–ด์š”.
10:48
So I opened my heart to Matthew,
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๋งคํŠœํ•œํ…Œ ๋งˆ์Œ์„ ์—ด์—ˆ์ง€๋งŒ
10:50
and my brain was like, "Would you like to think about Aaron?
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์ด๋Ÿฐ ์ƒ๊ฐ๋„ ๋“ค์—ˆ์ฃ , "์• ๋Ÿฐ ์ƒ๊ฐ์„ ํ•ด ๋ณผ๊นŒ?
10:54
Like, the past, the present, future, just get in there," and I did.
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๊ณผ๊ฑฐ, ํ˜„์žฌ, ๋ฏธ๋ž˜๊ฑด ์ƒ๊ด€์—†์ด ํ•ด๋ณด์ž." ๋˜ ์‹ค์ œ๋กœ ๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ์ƒ๊ฐ์„ ํ–ˆ์ฃ .
10:59
And all of a sudden, those two plots were unfurling at once,
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๊ทธ๋Ÿฌ๋‹ค ๊ฐ‘์ž๊ธฐ, ๋‘ ์ด์•ผ๊ธฐ๊ฐ€ ํ•œ๊บผ๋ฒˆ์— ํŽผ์ณ์กŒ์–ด์š”.
11:02
and falling in love with Matthew really helped me realize the enormity
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๋งคํŠœ์™€ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘์— ๋น ์ง„ ๊ฒƒ์ด ์• ๋Ÿฐ์˜ ์ฃฝ์Œ์ด ๊ฐ€์ ธ ์˜จ ์—„์ฒญ๋‚œ ์˜ํ–ฅ์„
11:05
of what I lost when Aaron died.
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๊นจ๋‹ซ๊ฒŒ ํ•ด์ค€๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
11:09
And just as importantly,
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๋˜ ๊ทธ๋งŒํผ ์ค‘์š”ํ•˜๊ฒŒ
11:10
it helped me realize that my love for Aaron
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์• ๋Ÿฐ์— ๋Œ€ํ•œ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘, ์• ๋Ÿฐ์— ๋Œ€ํ•œ ์Šฌํ””,
11:14
and my grief for Aaron,
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๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ  ๋งคํŠœ์— ๋Œ€ํ•œ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘์ด
11:16
and my love for Matthew, are not opposing forces.
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์„œ๋กœ ๋Œ€๋ฆฝํ•˜๊ณ  ์žˆ์ง€ ์•Š๋‹ค๋Š” ๊ฑธ ์•Œ๊ฒŒ ๋์–ด์š”.
11:22
They are just strands to the same thread.
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๊ฐ™์€ ์ค„๊ธฐ์— ๋‹ฌ๋ฆฐ ๊ฐ€์ง€๋“ค์ด์—ˆ์ฃ .
11:26
They're the same stuff.
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๋‹ค ๊ฐ™์€ ๊ฒƒ๋“ค์ด์ž–์•„์š”.
11:30
I'm ... what would my parents say?
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์ €๋Š” ... ๋ถ€๋ชจ๋‹˜๋“ค์€ ๋ญ๋ผ ํ–ˆ์„๊นŒ์š”?
11:33
I'm not special.
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์ „ ํŠน๋ณ„ํ•˜์ง€ ์•Š์•„์š”.
11:35
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
11:36
They had four kids, they were like ... frankly.
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์ž์‹๋“ค์ด ๋„ท์ธ๋ฐ, ๊ทธ๋ƒฅ ... ๋‹ค๋“ค ์†”์งํ•˜์„ธ์š”.
11:39
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
11:41
But I'm not, I'm not special.
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๋งž์•„์š”, ์ €๋Š” ๋ณ„ ํŠน๋ณ„ํ•œ๊ฒŒ ์—†์ฃ .
11:42
I know that, I'm fully aware
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์ด ์„ธ์ƒ์—๋Š”
11:44
that all day, every day, all around the world,
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๋”์ฐํ•œ ์ผ๋“ค์ด ๋งค์ผ๊ฐ™์ด ๋ฒŒ์–ด์ง€๊ณ  ์žˆ๋‹ค๋Š” ๊ฑธ
11:47
terrible things are happening.
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์ž˜ ์•Œ๊ณ  ์žˆ์Šต๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
11:49
All the time.
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๋Š์ž„์—†์ด์š”.
11:50
Like I said, fun person.
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์ € ์žฌ๋ฐŒ๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ ๋งž์•„์š”.
11:52
But terrible things are happening,
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ํ•˜์ง€๋งŒ ๋”์ฐํ•œ ์ผ๋“ค์ด ๋ฒŒ์–ด์ง€๊ณ 
11:54
people are experiencing deeply formative and traumatic losses every day.
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์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์€ ์—„์ฒญ๋‚œ ๊ณ ํ†ต๊ณผ ์ถฉ๊ฒฉ์„ ๋งค์ผ ๊ฒช๊ณ  ์žˆ์Šต๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
12:01
And as part of my job,
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ํ•˜๋Š” ์ผ ์ค‘ ํ•˜๋‚˜์ธ
12:03
this weird podcast that I have,
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์ด ๋ณ„๋‚œ ํŒŸ์บ์ŠคํŠธ๋ฅผ ์ง„ํ–‰ํ•˜๋ฉด์„œ
12:05
I sometimes talk to people
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์‚ด๋ฉด์„œ ๊ฒช๊ฒŒ ๋œ
12:06
about the worst thing that's ever happened to them.
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์ตœ์•…์˜ ๊ฒฝํ—˜์— ๋Œ€ํ•ด ์ด์•ผ๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ๋‚˜๋ˆ„๊ณค ํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
12:09
And sometimes, that's the loss of someone they love,
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์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์˜ ์ฃฝ์Œ์— ๊ด€ํ•œ ๊ฒƒ๋“ค์ด ๋งŽ์€๋ฐ
12:12
sometimes days ago or weeks ago, years ago, even decades ago.
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๋ฉฐ์น , ๋ช‡ ์ฃผ, ๋ช‡ ๋…„, ์ˆ˜์‹ญ ๋…„ ๋œ ์ผ ๋“ฑ ์•„์ฃผ ๋‹ค์–‘ํ•˜์ฃ .
12:18
And these people that I interview,
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์ œ๊ฐ€ ์ธํ„ฐ๋ทฐํ•˜๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์€
12:20
they haven't closed themselves around this loss
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์žƒ์€ ๊ฒƒ์— ์Šค์Šค๋กœ๋ฅผ ๋‹ซ์•„ ๋ฒ„๋ฆฌ์ง€ ์•Š๊ณ 
12:23
and made it the center of their lives.
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์‚ถ์˜ ๊ฐ€์šด๋ฐ์— ๋‘๊ณ  ์‚ด๊ณ  ์žˆ์–ด์š”.
12:25
They've lived, their worlds have kept spinning.
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๊ทธ๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ์‚ด์•„๊ฐ€๊ณ , ์„ธ์ƒ์€ ๊ณ„์† ๋Œ์•„๊ฐ€๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
12:31
But they're talking to me, a total stranger,
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๊ทธ๋ž˜์„œ ์ € ๊ฐ™์ด ๋‚ฏ์„  ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์—๊ฒŒ๋„ ์–˜๊ธฐํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
12:34
about the person they love who has died,
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์„ธ์ƒ์„ ๋– ๋‚œ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๋Š” ์‚ฌ๋žŒ์— ๋Œ€ํ•ด์„œ์š”.
12:36
because these are the experiences
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์ด๋Ÿฐ ๊ฒฝํ—˜๋“ค์€ ์ฆ๊ฑฐ์šด ์ถ”์–ต๋“ค๋งŒํผ์ด๋‚˜
12:39
that mark us and make us just as much as the joyful ones.
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์šฐ๋ฆฌ๋ฅผ ์˜จ์ „ํ•˜๊ฒŒ ๋งŒ๋“ค์–ด ์ฃผ๋Š” ๊ฒฝํ—˜๋“ค์ด๋‹ˆ๊นŒ์š”.
12:45
And just as permanently.
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์˜๊ตฌ์ ์œผ๋กœ์š”.
12:48
Long after you get your last sympathy card
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๋งˆ์ง€๋ง‰ ์œ„๋กœ ํŽธ์ง€์™€ ์Œ์‹์„
12:51
or your last hot dish.
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๋ฐ›๊ณ  ๋‚œ ํ›„์—๋„์š”.
12:53
Like, we don't look at the people around us
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์‚ถ์˜ ๊ธฐ์จ๊ณผ ๊ฒฝ์ด๋กœ์›€์„ ๊ฒฝํ—˜ํ•œ ์ฃผ๋ณ€์˜ ๋ˆ„๊ตฐ๊ฐ€์—๊ฒŒ
12:55
experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to "move on," do we?
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"๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚˜์•ผ์ง€."๋ผ๊ณ  ํ•˜์ง„ ์•Š์ž–์•„์š”, ๊ทธ๋Ÿฌ๋‚˜์š”?
13:00
We don't send a card that's like, "Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
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"์˜ˆ์œ ์•„๊ธฐ ๋‚ณ์€ ๊ฑฐ ์ถ•ํ•˜ํ•ด."๋ผ๊ณ  ์นด๋“œ๋ฅผ ๋ณด๋‚ด๊ณ 
13:03
and then, five years later, think like, "Another birthday party? Get over it."
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5๋…„ ์ง€๋‚˜์„  ์ด๋ ‡๊ฒŒ ์ƒ๊ฐํ•˜์ง„ ์•Š์ž–์•„์š”, "๋˜ ์ƒ์ผํŒŒํ‹ฐ์•ผ? ๊ทธ๋งŒ ์ข€ ํ•˜์ง€ ๊ทธ๋ž˜."
13:07
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
13:09
Yeah, we get it, he's five.
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๊ทธ๋ž˜, ์•Œ์–ด. 5์‚ด์ธ ๊ฑฐ.
13:10
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
13:12
Wow.
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์™€.
13:13
(Laughter)
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(์›ƒ์Œ)
13:16
But grief is kind of one of those things,
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์Šฌํ””๋„ ๊ทธ๋Ÿฐ ๊ฒƒ๋“ค ์ค‘ ํ•˜๋‚˜์ฃ .
13:18
like, falling in love or having a baby or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
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์‚ฌ๋ž‘์— ๋น ์ง€๊ฑฐ๋‚˜ ์•„๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ๊ฐ–๊ฑฐ๋‚˜ HBO์˜ "๋” ์™€์ด์–ด"๋ฅผ ๋ณด๋Š” ๊ฒƒ ์ฒ˜๋Ÿผ
13:21
where you don't get it until you get it, until you do it.
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์ง์ ‘ ๊ฒฝํ—˜ํ•˜๊ธฐ ์ „์—” ์•Œ ์ˆ˜ ์—†๋Š” ๊ฒƒ๋“ค์ด์š”.
13:27
And once you do it, once it's your love or your baby,
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์ง์ ‘ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘์„ ํ•ด๋ณด๊ณ , ์•„๊ธฐ๋ฅผ ๊ฐ€์ ธ๋ณด๊ณ ,
13:32
once it's your grief and your front row at the funeral,
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์Šฌํ””๋„ ๊ฒช์–ด๋ณด๊ณ , ์žฅ๋ก€์‹์žฅ ๋งจ ์•ž์— ์„œ๋ด์•ผ
13:37
you get it.
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์•Œ ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
13:39
You understand what you're experiencing is not a moment in time,
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์ด๋Ÿฐ ๊ฒฝํ—˜์ด ์Šค์ณ๊ฐ€๋Š” ํ•œ ์ˆœ๊ฐ„์ด ์•„๋‹ˆ๋ž€ ๊ฑธ ์•Œ๊ฒŒ ๋ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
13:43
it's not a bone that will reset,
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๋‹ค์‹œ ๋ถ™๋Š” ๋ผˆ์™€ ๊ฐ™์ง€ ์•Š๊ณ 
13:45
but that you've been touched by something chronic.
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์•„์ฃผ ๊ณ ์งˆ์ ์ธ ๋ฌด์–ธ๊ฐ€์— ์˜ํ–ฅ์„ ๋ฐ›์€ ๊ฒƒ๊ณผ ๊ฐ™์ฃ .
13:48
Something incurable.
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์น˜๋ฃŒ๊ฐ€ ๋ถˆ๊ฐ€๋Šฅํ•ด์š”.
13:50
It's not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be.
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์น˜๋ช…์ ์ด์ง„ ์•Š์ง€๋งŒ, ์ฃฝ์„ ๊ฒƒ ๊ฐ™์ด ๋Š๊ปด์ง€๊ธฐ๋„ ํ•˜์ฃ .
13:55
And if we can't prevent it in one another,
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์„œ๋กœ์„œ๋กœ ๋ฏธ๋ฆฌ ๋ง‰์„ ์ˆ˜ ์—†๋‹ค๋ฉด
13:58
what can we do?
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์–ด๋–ป๊ฒŒ ํ•ด์•ผ ํ• ๊นŒ์š”?
14:02
What can we do other than try to remind one another
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๋‹ค๋ฅธ ๋ฐฉ๋ฒ•์ด ์žˆ์„๊นŒ์š”?
14:06
that some things can't be fixed,
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์–ด๋–ค ๊ฑด ๊ณ ์น  ์ˆ˜๋„, ์น˜์œ ํ•  ์ˆ˜๋„ ์—†๋‹ค๊ณ 
14:10
and not all wounds are meant to heal?
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์„œ๋กœ ์ผ๊นจ์›Œ ์ฃผ๋Š” ๊ฒƒ ์™ธ์— ๋ง์ด์ฃ .
14:14
We need each other to remember,
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๊ทธ ์ ์„ ๊ธฐ์–ตํ•˜๋ ค๋ฉด ์„œ๋กœ๊ฐ€ ํ•„์š”ํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
14:17
to help each other remember,
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์ž˜ ๊ธฐ์–ตํ•˜๋„๋ก ์„œ๋กœ ๋„์™€์•ผ๊ฒ ์ฃ .
14:19
that grief is this multitasking emotion.
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์Šฌํ””์ด๋ž€ ๊ฐ์ •์€ ๋™์‹œ์— ์—ฌ๋Ÿฌ ๊ฐ€์ง€ ์ผ์„ ํ•˜๊ฒŒ ํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
14:22
That you can and will be sad, and happy; you'll be grieving, and able to love
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์Šฌํ”„๊ธฐ๋„, ํ–‰๋ณตํ•˜๊ธฐ๋„ ํ•˜๊ณ , ์Šฌํ””์— ์ž ๊ฒจ ์žˆ๋Š” ๋™์•ˆ์—๋„
14:28
in the same year or week, the same breath.
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์•„๋‹ˆ๋ฉด ์–ธ์  ๊ฐ„ ๋‹ค์‹œ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๊ฒŒ๋„ ํ•ด์ฃผ์ฃ .
14:32
We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again.
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๋‹น์žฅ์€ ์Šฌํ”„์ง€๋งŒ, ์–ธ์  ๊ฐ„ ๋‹ค์‹œ ์›ƒ๊ณ  ๋ฏธ์†Œ์ง€์„ ๊ฑฐ๋ž€ ๊ฑธ ๊ธฐ์–ตํ•ด์•ผ์ฃ .
14:39
If they're lucky, they'll even find love again.
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์šด์ด ์ข‹๋‹ค๋ฉด, ๋‹ค์‹œ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘๋„ ํ•  ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ์–ด์š”.
14:43
But yes, absolutely, they're going to move forward.
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๋งž์•„์š”, ๋ถ„๋ช…ํ•œ ๊ฑด ๋‹ค๋“ค ๊ณ„์† ์‚ด์•„๊ฐˆ ๊ฑฐ๋ž€ ๊ฑฐ์ฃ .
14:48
But that doesn't mean that they've moved on.
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ํ•˜์ง€๋งŒ ๊ทธ๋ ‡๋‹ค๊ณ , ์Šฌํ””์—์„œ ๋ฒ—์–ด๋‚œ ๊ฑด ์•„๋‹™๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
14:52
Thank you.
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๊ฐ์‚ฌํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค.
14:53
(Applause)
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(๋ฐ•์ˆ˜)
์ด ์›น์‚ฌ์ดํŠธ ์ •๋ณด

์ด ์‚ฌ์ดํŠธ๋Š” ์˜์–ด ํ•™์Šต์— ์œ ์šฉํ•œ YouTube ๋™์˜์ƒ์„ ์†Œ๊ฐœํ•ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค. ์ „ ์„ธ๊ณ„ ์ตœ๊ณ ์˜ ์„ ์ƒ๋‹˜๋“ค์ด ๊ฐ€๋ฅด์น˜๋Š” ์˜์–ด ์ˆ˜์—…์„ ๋ณด๊ฒŒ ๋  ๊ฒƒ์ž…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค. ๊ฐ ๋™์˜์ƒ ํŽ˜์ด์ง€์— ํ‘œ์‹œ๋˜๋Š” ์˜์–ด ์ž๋ง‰์„ ๋”๋ธ” ํด๋ฆญํ•˜๋ฉด ๊ทธ๊ณณ์—์„œ ๋™์˜์ƒ์ด ์žฌ์ƒ๋ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค. ๋น„๋””์˜ค ์žฌ์ƒ์— ๋งž์ถฐ ์ž๋ง‰์ด ์Šคํฌ๋กค๋ฉ๋‹ˆ๋‹ค. ์˜๊ฒฌ์ด๋‚˜ ์š”์ฒญ์ด ์žˆ๋Š” ๊ฒฝ์šฐ ์ด ๋ฌธ์˜ ์–‘์‹์„ ์‚ฌ์šฉํ•˜์—ฌ ๋ฌธ์˜ํ•˜์‹ญ์‹œ์˜ค.

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