Our story of rape and reconciliation | Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger

Translator: Sophia Mwema Reviewer: Joachim Mangilima

[This talk contains graphic language and descriptions of sexual violence

[Majadiliano yana lugha na maelezo ya ukatili wa kijinsia

Viewer discretion is advised]

Mtazamaji anatahadharishwa]

Tom Stranger: In 1996, when I was 18 years old,

Tom Stranger: Mwaka 1996, nilipokuwa nina miaka 18,

I had the golden opportunity to go on an international exchange program.

Nilipata fursa ya kusoma nchi ngeni,

Ironically I'm an Australian who prefers proper icy cold weather,

La kushangaza mimi ni mzaliwa wa Australia anayependa baridi ya haswa,

so I was both excited and tearful when I got on a plane to Iceland,

hivyo nilikuwa na furaha na njonzi nilipopanda ndege kwenda Iceland,

after just having farewelled my parents and brothers goodbye.

baada ya kuwaaga wazazi wangu na ndugu.

I was welcomed into the home of a beautiful Icelandic family

Nilikaribishwa katika familia nzuri ya wana Iceland

who took me hiking,

ambao walinichukua katika matembezi,

and helped me get a grasp of the melodic Icelandic language.

na kunisaidia kuielewa lugha ya tuni ya wana Iceland.

I struggled a bit with the initial period of homesickness.

Mwanzo nilipambana na hisia za kutamani kurudi nyumbani

I snowboarded after school,

Baada ya shule, nilicheza mchezo wa kuteleza juu ya barafu

and I slept a lot.

na kulala sana.

Two hours of chemistry class in a language that you don't yet fully understand

Masaa mawili ya Kemia katika lugha ambayo bado hujaielewa,

can be a pretty good sedative.

inaweza kukuweka kulala vizuri.

(Laughter)

(Vicheko)

My teacher recommended I try out for the school play,

Mwalimu wangu ilipendekeza nishiriki katika igizo shuleni,

just to get me a bit more socially active.

ilinijumuike na wengine shuleni.

It turns out I didn't end up being part of the play,

Hata kama sikuwa sehemu ya igizo,

but through it I met Thordis.

hapo nilikutana na Thordis.

We shared a lovely teenage romance,

Tulifurahia simulizi letu la penzi la ujanani,

and we'd meet at lunchtimes to just hold hands

tulikula wote mchana, ili tu kushika mikono

and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.

na kutembea jiji la Reykjavík.

I met her welcoming family, and she met my friends.

Nilikutana na familia yake, naye alikutana na marafiki zangu.

We'd been in a budding relationship for a bit over a month

Tulikuwa katika urafiki karibia zaidi ya mwezi

when our school's Christmas Ball was held.

wakati shule iliandaa sherehe ya Krismasi

Thordis Elva: I was 16 and in love for the first time.

Thordis Elva: Nilikuwa miaka 16 na nimekutana penzi langu la kwanza.

Going together to the Christmas dance

Kwenda pamoja kwa sherehe ya Krismasi

was a public confirmation of our relationship,

Ilikuwa uthibitisho wa uhusiano wetu,

and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

na nilijisikia kama msichana mwenye bahati sana duniani.

No longer a child, but a young woman.

Sio tena mtoto, lakini mwanamke.

High on my newfound maturity,

mkakamavu katika upevu wangu mpya,

I felt it was only natural to try drinking rum for the first time that night, too.

Niliamini kuwa kujaribu kunywa kilo kwa mara ya kwanza,

That was a bad idea.

ulikuwa uamuzi mbaya.

I became very ill,

Niliumwa sana,

drifting in and out of consciousness

kupoteza fahamu na kutojielewa

in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.

katika misukosuko ya kutapika.

The security guards wanted to call me an ambulance,

Walinzi walitaka kuniitia gari la wagonjwa,

but Tom acted as my knight in shining armor,

lakini Tom aliatokea kuwa mkombezi wangu,

and told them he'd take me home.

na kuwaambia atanipeleka nyumbani.

It was like a fairy tale,

Ilikuwa kama simulizi za vichimbakazi,

his strong arms around me,

mikono yake yenye nguvu ikinishikilia,

laying me in the safety of my bed.

kuniweka katika usalama wa kitanda changu.

But the gratitude that I felt towards him soon turned to horror

Lakini shukrani yang kwake iligeuka haraka kuwa woga

as he proceeded to take off my clothes and get on top of me.

aliponivua nguo na kupanda juu yangu.

My head had cleared up,

nilikuwa nimepata fahamu,

but my body was still too weak to fight back,

lakini mwili wangu ulikuwa bado dhaifu mno kupambana,

and the pain was blinding.

na maumivu yalikuwa makali.

I thought I'd be severed in two.

Nilidhani nimegawanywa mara mbili.

In order to stay sane,

Ili kubaki timamu,

I silently counted the seconds on my alarm clock.

nilihesabu sekunde kwenye saa yangu.

And ever since that night,

Na tangu usiku huo,

I've known that there are 7,200 seconds in two hours.

Nimejua kwamba kuna sekunde 7200 katika masaa mawili.

Despite limping for days and crying for weeks,

Pamoja na kuchechmea na kulia kwa mawiki,

this incident didn't fit my ideas about rape like I'd seen on TV.

tukio hili halikuwakilisha mawazo yangu kuhusu ubakaji kama nilivyoona kwenye TV.

Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;

Tom hakuwa mwendawazimu mwenye silaha;

he was my boyfriend.

alikuwa mpenzi wangu.

And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,

Na haikutokea katika mahali pa ajabu,

it happened in my own bed.

ilitokea katika kitanda changu mwenyewe.

By the time I could identify what had happened to me as rape,

nilipotambua kwamba nimebakwa,

he had completed his exchange program

alikuwa amemaliza masomo yake

and left for Australia.

na kurudi kwao Australia.

So I told myself it was pointless to address what had happened.

Hivyo nilijiambia kuwa hakuna maana kufuatilia kilichotokea.

And besides,

Na zaidi,

it had to have been my fault, somehow.

ilibidi iwe kosa langu.

I was raised in a world where girls are taught

Nilikulia katika dunia ambapo wasichana hufundishwa

that they get raped for a reason.

kwamba wakibakwa ni kwa sababu.

Their skirt was too short,

sketi zao ni fupi mno,

their smile was too wide,

tabasamu zao kubwa mno,

their breath smelled of alcohol.

pumzi yao inanuka kileo.

And I was guilty of all of those things,

Nilikuwa na hatia ya mambo hayo yote,

so the shame had to be mine.

hivyo aibu ilibidi iwe yangu.

It took me years to realize

Ilinichukua miaka kutambua

that only one thing could have stopped me from being raped that night,

kwamba jambo moja tu ilngeweza kuzuia mimi kubakwa,

and it wasn't my skirt,

haikuwa sketi yangu,

it wasn't my smile,

haikuwa tabasamu langu,

it wasn't my childish trust.

haikuwa imani yangu ya kitoto.

The only thing that could've stopped me from being raped that night

Kitu pekee ambacho kingeweza kuzuia kubakwa

is the man who raped me --

ni aliyenibaka --

had he stopped himself.

kama angejizuia.

TS: I have vague memories of the next day:

TS: Sina kumbukumbu nzuri ya siku ya pili

the after effects of drinking,

athari ya kileo,

a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle.

utupu niliojaribu kukandamiza.

Nothing more.

Hakuna cha ziada.

But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.

Lakini sikuenda kwa Thordis.

It is important to now state

Sasa, ni muhimu kusema

that I didn't see my deed for what it was.

kwamba sikuona tendo langu kwa ubaya wake..

The word "rape" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,

Neno "ubakaji" halikuwepo katika mawazo yangu kama ilivyotakiwa,

and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.

sikujisulibisha kwa kumbukumbu ya usiku uliopita.

It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,

Hata haikuwa mimi kukataa kwa fahamu,

it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.

ila zaidi kuwa kukiri ukweli wowote ni haramu.

My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition

Tafsiri yangu ya matendo yangu yalikanusha kutambua

of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.

madhara nilyomfanyia Thordis.

To be honest,

Kusema ukweli,

I repudiated the entire act in the days afterwards

Nilikemea kitendo chote siku za baadaye

and when I was committing it.

na wakati nilikuwa natenda.

I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.

Niliukataa ukweli kwa kuJIshawishi ilikuwa ngono sio ubakaji.

And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt for.

Na huu ni uongo umekuwa ukiniwinda.

I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,

Niliachana na Thordis siku kadhaa baadaye,

and then saw her a number of times

nilimuona mara kadhaa

during the remainder of my year in Iceland,

katika muda wangu uliobaki Iceland,

feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.

nilijisikia vibaya na roho nzito kila wakati.

Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.

Ndani, nilijua nimekosa vibaya mno.

But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep,

Lakini bila kukusudia, nilikandamiza kumbukumbu yote

and then I tied a rock to them.

ilikusahau kabisa.

What followed is a nine-year period

Kilichofuata ni miaka tisa

that can best be titled as "Denial and Running."

ya "Kuukana na kuukimbia ukweli."

When I got a chance to identify the real torment that I caused,

Nilipopata nafasi ya kutambua uhalisi wa unyama niliotenda,

I didn't stand still long enough to do so.

sikuweza kustahamili.

Whether it be via distraction,

Nilihekaheka, iwe kwa

substance use,

matumizi ya madawa,

thrill-seeking

kutafuta hatari

or the scrupulous policing of my inner speak,

au kukandamika hisia zangu,

I refused to be static and silent.

Nilikataa kukaa tuli na kimya.

And with this noise,

Na sauti hiyo,

I also drew heavily upon other parts of my life

nilitafakari katika sehemu nyingine za maisha yangu

to construct a picture of who I was.

ili kujenga picha ya mimi ni nani.

I was a surfer,

Nilikuwa surfer,

a social science student,

mwanafunzi wa sayansi za jami,

a friend to good people,

rafiki kwa watu wema,

a loved brother and son,

kaka mpendwa na mwana,

an outdoor recreation guide,

kiongozi wa burudani za nje ,

and eventually, a youth worker.

na hatimaye, mfanyakazi wa mambo ya vijana.

I gripped tight to the simple notion that I wasn't a bad person.

Nilshikilia imani kuwa sikuwa mtu mbaya.

I didn't think I had this in my bones.

Sikudhani nilikuwa na ukatili katika mifupa yangu.

I thought I was made up of something else.

Nilidhani nilikuwa tofauti.

In my nurtured upbringing,

Katika malezi yangu,

my loving extended family and role models,

upendo wa familia na jamaa,

people close to me were warm and genuine

watu wa karibu walikuwa wakarimu na wakweli

in their respect shown towards women.

katika heshima yao kwa wanawake.

It took me a long time to stare down this dark corner of myself,

Ilinichukua muda mrefu kuangalia kona ya kiza changu,

and to ask it questions.

na kujiuliza maswali hayo.

TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,

TE: Miaka tisa tangu ile sherehe ya Krismasi,

I was 25 years old,

Nilikuwa nina miaka 25,

and headed straight for a nervous breakdown.

ninaelekea kuchanganyikiwa.

My self-worth was buried under a soul-crushing load of silence

thamani yangu ilizikwa na usiri

that isolated me from everyone that I cared about,

ulionitenga kutoka kwa kila mtu niliyemjali,

and I was consumed with misplaced hatred and anger

na chuki na hasira

that I took out on myself.

niliyoelekeza kwangu mwenyewe.

One day, I stormed out of the door in tears

Siku moja, nilitoka nje kwa hasira na machozi

after a fight with a loved one,

baada ya kugombana na mpendwa,

and I wandered into a café,

na kuingia katika café,

where I asked the waitress for a pen.

ambapo niliomba kalamu.

I always had a notebook with me,

Daima nilikuwa daftari pamoja nami,

claiming that it was to jot down ideas in moments of inspiration,

nikidai ilikuwa ni kwa ajili ya kuandika mawazo mapya,

but the truth was that I needed to be constantly fidgeting,

lakini ukweli ni kwamba nilihitaji daima kuriaria,

because in moments of stillness,

kwa sababu katika wakati wa utulivu,

I found myself counting seconds again.

nilijikuta nikihesabu sekunde tena.

But that day, I watched in wonder as the words streamed out of my pen,

Lakini siku hiyo, nilistaajabu jinsi maneno yalitoka kwenye kalamu yangu,

forming the most pivotal letter I've ever written,

kuandika barua muhimu maishani

addressed to Tom.

kwa Tom.

Along with an account of the violence that he subjected me to,

Pamoja na nakala ya ukatili alionitendea,

the words, "I want to find forgiveness"

maneno, "Nataka kutafuta msamaha"

stared back at me,

yalinishangaa,

surprising nobody more than myself.

kunishangaza mimi hasa.

But deep down I realized that this was my way out of my suffering,

Lakini ndani, niligundua hio Ilikuwa ni njia ya kujikomboa mateso yangu,

because regardless of whether or not he deserved my forgiveness,

kwa sababu, bila kujali kama alistahili msamaha wangu au la,

I deserved peace.

mimi nilistahili amani.

My era of shame was over.

Kipindi changu cha aibu kimefika kikomo.

Before sending the letter,

Kabla ya kutuma barua,

I prepared myself for all kinds of negative responses,

nilijitayarisha kwa kila aina ya majibu hasi,

or what I found likeliest: no response whatsoever.

kuliko vote: sikutarajia kupata jibu lolote.

The only outcome that I didn't prepare myself for

Tokeo ambalo sikujiandaa tu

was the one that I then got --

ndilo nililopata-

a typed confession from Tom, full of disarming regret.

barua ya kukiri kutoka Tom, iliyojaa majuto.

As it turns out, he, too, had been imprisoned by silence.

Yeye pia alikuwa amefungwa katika ukimya.

And this marked the start of an eight-year-long correspondence

Na huo ndio mwanzo wa mawasiliano ya yetu yaliyodumu miaka nane

that God knows was never easy,

Mungu anajua haikuwa rahisi kamwe,

but always honest.

lakini daima ukweli.

I relieved myself of the burdens that I'd wrongfully shouldered,

Nilitua dhulma yote niliyobeba,

and he, in turn, wholeheartedly owned up to what he'd done.

na yeye, kwa moyo wote alikiri alichofanya.

Our written exchanges became a platform

Mabadilishano yetu yakawa jukwaa la

to dissect the consequences of that night,

kuchambua matokeo ya usiku ule,

and they were everything from gut-wrenching

na ilikuwa kila kitu, kutoka maneno yaliyoumiza

to healing beyond words.

hadi uponyaji kupita maelezo.

And yet, it didn't bring about closure for me.

Na bado, haikuwa kunipa amani.

Perhaps because the email format didn't feel personal enough,

Labda kwa sababu barua pepe haikua binafsi ya kutosha,

perhaps because it's easy to be brave

labda kwa sababu ni rahisi kuwa jasiri

when you're hiding behind a computer screen on the other side of the planet.

wakati unajificha nyuma ya kompyuta upande wa pili wa dunia

But we'd begun a dialogue

Lakini tulianza mjadala

that I felt was necessary to explore to its fullest.

niliyohisi ni lazima kuchunguza kikamilifu.

So, after eight years of writing,

Hivyo, baada ya miaka nane ya kuandikiana,

and nearly 16 years after that dire night,

na karibia miaka 16 tangia usiku ule,

I mustered the courage to propose a wild idea:

nilikwamua ujasiri kupendekeza:

that we'd meet up in person

kwamba tukutane uso kwa uso

and face our past once and for all.

kuongelea historia yetu na kumalizana kabisa.

TS: Iceland and Australia are geographically like this.

TS: Kijiografia, Iceland na Australia zipo hivi.

In the middle of the two is South Africa.

Katikati, ni Afrika Kusini.

We decided upon the city of Cape Town,

Tuliamua kukutana mji wa Cape Town,

and there we met for one week.

kwa wiki moja.

The city itself proved to be a stunningly powerful environment

mji wenyewe ulikuwa ni uthibitisho fika kwa mazingira

to focus on reconciliation and forgiveness.

ya kufikia maridhiano na msamaha.

Nowhere else has healing and rapprochement been tested

Hakuna mahali pengine ambapo uponyaji wa mahusiano yamejaribiwa

like it has in South Africa.

kama nchini Afrika Kusini.

As a nation, South Africa sought to sit within the truth of its past,

Kama taifa, Afrika Kusini walitaka kuishi katika ukweli wa historia,

and to listen to the details of its history.

na kuwasikiliza maelezo ya historia yake.

Knowing this only magnified the effect that Cape Town had on us.

Kujua hii tu, athari ya Cape Town iliongezeka kwetu .

Over the course of this week,

Katika kipindi cha wiki hio,

we literally spoke our life stories to each other,

tulisimuliana hadithi ya maisha yetu kwa kila mmoja,

from start to finish.

kuanzia manzo hai mwisho.

And this was about analyzing our own history.

Na kuchambua historia yetu wenyewe.

We followed a strict policy of being honest,

Tulifuata sera kali ya kuwa wakweli,

and this also came with a certain exposure,

hii ilimaanisha kujiweka wazi,

an open-chested vulnerability.

uwazi kuhusu kasoro na mapungufu yetu.

There were gutting confessions,

Kulikuwa na kukiri,

and moments where we just absolutely couldn't fathom

na wakati ambapo sote hatukuweza kudhania kabisa

the other person's experience.

maaumivu ya mwingine.

The seismic effects of sexual violence were spoken aloud and felt,

Madhara ya ukatili wa kijinsia yalisemwa kwa sauti na hisia,

face to face.

uso kwa uso.

At other times, though,

Wakati mwingine,

we found a soaring clarity,

tuligundua ubayana uliyongezeka,

and even some totally unexpected but liberating laughter.

na hata vicheko visivyotarajiwa lakini vilitukomboa .

When it came down to it,

Ki ukweli,

we did out best to listen to each other intently.

tulijitahidi kusikilizana kwa makini.

And our individual realities were aired with an unfiltered purity

Na hali halisi yetu binafsi ziliwasilihwa kwa uhalisia wake

that couldn't do any less than lighten the soul.

kwamba hatukuweza kufanya lolote kuliko kurahisha uzito wa nafsi.

TE: Wanting to take revenge is a very human emotion --

TE: Kutaka kulipiza kisasi ni hisia ya kawaida kama binadamu --

instinctual, even.

ya kiasili, hata.

And all I wanted to do for years

Nilichotaka kufanya kwa miaka yote

was to hurt Tom back as deeply as he had hurt me.

ni kumdhuru Tom kama alivyoniumiza.

But had I not found a way out of the hatred and anger,

Lakini sikupata njia ya kutoa chuki na hasira yangu,

I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.

sina hakika kama ningekuwa nasimama hapa leo.

That isn't to say that I didn't have my doubts along the way.

Hivyo siyo kusema kwamba sikuwa na mashaka yangu njiani.

When the plane bounced on that landing strip in Cape Town,

Ndege ilipotua Cape Town,

I remember thinking,

Nakumbuka kufikiri,

"Why did I not just get myself a therapist and a bottle of vodka

"Kwa nini sikujipatia mtaalamu na chupa ya vodka

like a normal person would do?"

kama mtu wa kawaida? "

(Laughter)

(Vicheko)

At times, our search for understanding in Cape Town

Wakati mwingine, utafiti wetu wa uelewa Cape Town

felt like an impossible quest,

ulionekana kama jitihada isiyowezekana,

and all I wanted to do was to give up

na nilitaka kukata tu tamaa

and go home to my loving husband, Vidir,

na kurudi nyumbani kwa mume wangu mpenzi, Vidir,

and our son.

na mtoto wetu.

But despite our difficulties,

Lakini licha ya matatizo yetu,

this journey did result in a victorious feeling

safari hii ilileta hisia ya ushindi

that light had triumphed over darkness,

kwamba mwanga umeshinda giza,

that something constructive could be built out of the ruins.

kwamba kitu chema kinaweza kujengwa kutoka kwa magofu.

I read somewhere

Nilisoma mahali fulani

that you should try and be the person that you needed when you were younger.

kwamba unapaswa kujaribu na kuwa mtu uliyehitaji ulipokuwa mtoto.

And back when I was a teenager,

Na nilipokuwa kijana,

I would have needed to know that the shame wasn't mine,

Ningependa kujua kwamba aibu haikuwa yangu,

that there's hope after rape,

kwamba kuna matumaini baada ya kubakwa,

that you can even find happiness,

kwamba unaweza hata kupata furaha,

like I share with my husband today.

kama niliyonayo na mume wangu leo.

Which is why I started writing feverishly upon my return from Cape Town,

Ndiyo maana niliaanza kuandika niliporudi kutoka Cape Town,

resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,

kitabu na mwandishi mwenzangu Tom,

that we hope can be of use to people from both ends

kwamba tuna imani kinaweza kuwa msaada kwa pande zote mbili,

of the perpetrator-survivor scale.

aliyetendwa na kutenda.

If nothing else,

Vinginevyo,

it's a story that we would've needed to hear when we were younger.

ni hadithi tulipaswa kusikia tulipokuwa vijana.

Given the nature of our story,

Kutokana na hali ya hadithi yetu,

I know the words that inevitably accompany it --

Najua maneno ambayo huambatana nayo -

victim, rapist --

muathirika, mbakaji --

and labels are a way to organize concepts,

na majina yanayotumika kuapanga dhana,

but they can also be dehumanizing in their connotations.

lakini wanaweza pia huvua utu katika vidokezo yanavyomaanisha.

Once someone's been deemed a victim,

Mtu anapoonyeshwa kama muathirika,

it's that much easier to file them away as someone damaged,

ni rahisi sana kumpuuza kama bidhaa mbovu,

dishonored,

fedheha,

less than.

isiyo na thamani.

And likewise, once someone has been branded a rapist,

Na vivyo hivyo, mara moja mtu anapoitwa mbakaji,

it's that much easier to call him a monster --

ni rahisi zaidi kumuita zimwi -

inhuman.

mnyama.

But how will we understand what it is in human societies

Lakini ni jinsi gani tutaelewa nini katika jamii

that produces violence

kinazalisha ukatili

if we refuse to recognize the humanity of those who commit it?

kama sisi kunataa kutambua utu katika wale wanaoufanya?

And how --

(Applause)

(Makofi)

And how can we empower survivors if we're making them feel less than?

Na tunawezaje kuwawezesha waliopitia taabu kama hatuwathamini?

How can we discuss solutions to one of the biggest threats

Jinsi gani tunaweza kujadili ufumbuzi kwa moja ya vitisho kubwa

to the lives of women and children around the world,

katika maisha ya wanawake na watoto duniani kote,

if the very words we use are part of the problem?

kama majina tunayotumia ni sehemu ya tatizo?

TS: From what I've now learnt,

TS: Nilichojifunza,

my actions that night in 1996 were a self-centered taking.

matendo yangu usiku ule mwaka 1996 yalikuwa ya kibinafsi.

I felt deserving of Thordis's body.

Nilijisikia kustahili mwili wa Thordis.

I've had primarily positive social influences

Nilikuwa na misingi mizuri katika malezi na kijamii

and examples of equitable behavior around me.

na mifano ya tabia usawa.

But on that occasion,

Lakini katika tukio hilo,

I chose to draw upon the negative ones.

Nilichagua kufuata mifano mibaya.

The ones that see women as having less intrinsic worth,

Ambayo wanawake walikuwa na thamani ya chini ,

and of men having some unspoken and symbolic claim to their bodies.

na wanaume wana hati juu ya miili yao.

These influences I speak of are external to me, though.

Misukumo hii ilitokea nje kwangu.

And it was only me in that room making choices,

Ilikuwa mimi pekee katika chumba nifanya maamuzi,

nobody else.

hakuna mtu mwingine.

When you own something

Unapokiri kosa

and really square up to your culpability,

na kweli kuchukua hatia kwa matendo yako,

I do think a surprising thing can happen.

ninaamini mambo ya kushangaza yanaweza kutokea.

It's what I call a paradox of ownership.

Hiko nachoita kitendawili cha umiliki.

I thought I'd buckle under the weight of responsibility.

Nilidhani ningeelemewa na uzito wa wajibu.

I thought my certificate of humanity would be burnt.

Nilidhani cheti changu cha ubinadamu kingechomwa moto.

Instead, I was offered to really own what I did,

Badala yake, nilipewa umiliki wa makosa yangu,

and found that it didn't possess the entirety of who I am.

na kutambua kwamba haikumiliki ukamilifu wa mimi ni nani.

Put simply,

Kurahisisha,

something you've done doesn't have to constitute the sum of who you are.

kitendo ulichofanya haliwezi kuwa Jumla ya nafsi na utu wako.

The noise in my head abated.

Sauti katika kichwa changu zilikoma.

The indulgent self-pity was starved of oxygen,

Anasa ya kujihurumia iliyokuwa imekosa oksijeni,

and it was replaced with the clean air of acceptance --

na kubadilishwa na hewa safi ya kukubalika -

an acceptance that I did hurt this wonderful person standing next to me;

kukubalika kwamba nilimdhuru binadamu huyu wa ajabu anayesimama karibu na mimi;

an acceptance that I am part of a large and shockingly everyday grouping of men

kukubalika kwamba mimi ni sehemu ya kundi kubwa la kutisha la wanaume

who have been sexually violent toward their partners.

ambao wamekuwa wakatili kwa wapenzi wao.

Don't underestimate the power of words.

Usidharau nguvu ya maneno.

Saying to Thordis that I raped her changed my accord with myself,

Kutubu kwa Thordis kwamba nilimbaka ilibadili hiari yangu na mimi mwenyewe,

as well as with her.

na pia na yeye.

But most importantly,

Lakini muhimu zaidi,

the blame transferred from Thordis to me.

lawama ilhamishwa kutoka kwa Thordis kwangu.

Far too often,

Mara nyingi mno,

the responsibility is attributed to female survivors of sexual violence,

wajibu ni ulitokana kwa waathirika wa kike wa ukatili wa kijinsia,

and not to the males who enact it.

na si kwa wanaume ambao kutunga yake.

Far too often,

Mara nyingi mno,

the denial and running leaves all parties at a great distance from the truth.

kuukana ukweli huwaacha wahusika mbali na ukweli.

There's definitely a public conversation happening now,

Kuna mazungumzo katika umma sasa,

and like a lot of people,

na kama watu wengi,

we're heartened that there's less retreating

tuna imanishwa na hamasa ndogo

from this difficult but important discussion.

kwa majadiliano haya magumu lakini muhimu.

I feel a real responsibility to add our voices to it.

Ninasikia wajibu kuongeza sauti zetu.

TE: What we did is not a formula that we're prescribing for others.

TE: Tulichofanya sio formula tunayopendekeza kwa wengine.

Nobody has the right to tell anyone else how to handle their deepest pain

Hakuna mtu ana haki ya kuwaambia mtu mwingine namna ya kushughulikia maumivu yao

or their greatest error.

au kosa lao mkuu.

Breaking your silence is never easy,

Kuvunja ukimya yako si rahisi kamwe,

and depending on where you are in the world,

na kutegemea ni wapi katika dunia ulipo,

it can even be deadly to speak out about rape.

inaweza hata kuwa ni kifo kuzungumzia kuhusu ubakaji.

I realize that even the most traumatic event of my life

Nimetambua hata tukio baya la maisha yangu,

is still a testament to my privilege,

bado ni ushahidi wa upendeleo kwangu,

because I can talk about it without getting ostracized,

kwa sababu naweza kuzugumzia bila hofu ya unyanyapaa

or even killed.

au hata kuuawa.

But with that privilege of having a voice

Lakini pamoja na upendeleo wa kuwa na sauti

comes the responsibility of using it.

huja wajibu wa kuitumia.

That's the least I owe my fellow survivors who can't.

Hiyo ni angalau mimi deni langu kwa wenzangu wasiyoweza.

The story we've just relayed is unique,

hadithi tuliyowasilisha ni ya kipekee,

and yet it is so common with sexual violence being a global pandemic.

na bado ni ukatili wa kijinsia ni janga la kimataifa.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Lakini haifai kuwa njia hivyo.

One of the things that I found useful on my own healing journey

Moja ya mambo nimeona muhimu katika safari yangu ya uponyaji

is educating myself about sexual violence.

ni kujielimisha kuhusu ukatili wa kijinsia.

And as a result, I've been reading, writing

Na matokeo yake, Nimekuwa nikisoma, kuandika

and speaking about this issue for over a decade now,

na kuzungumzia suala hili kwa zaidi ya muongo mmoja sasa,

going to conferences around the world.

kwenda katika makongamano duniani kote.

And in my experience,

Katika uzoefu wangu,

the attendees of such events are almost exclusively women.

wanaohudhuria mijadala hayo ni karibia wanawake pekee.

But it's about time that we stop treating sexual violence as a women's issue.

Lakini ni wakati tuache kuona unyanyasaji wa kijinsia kama ya tatizo la wanawake tu.

(Applause)

(Makofi)

A majority of sexual violence against women and men

Ukatili wa kijinsia dhidi ya wanawake na wanaume

is perpetrated by men.

unaofanywa na wanaume.

And yet their voices are sorely underrepresented in this discussion.

Na bado sauti zao haziwakilishwi ipasavyo katika mjadala huu.

But all of us are needed here.

Lakini sisi sote tunahitajika hapa.

Just imagine all the suffering we could alleviate

Fikiria mateso tunaweza kupunguza

if we dared to face this issue together.

kama sisi alijitokeza uso suala hili kwa pamoja.

Thank you.

Asanteni.

(Applause)

(Makofi)