3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West

Prevodilac: Dragana Savanovic Lektor: Ivana Korom

Almost 50 years ago,

Pre skoro 50 godina,

psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory

psihijatri Ričard Rahe i Tomas Holms sastavili su spisak

of the most distressing human experiences that we could have.

najstresnijih ljudskih iskustava koje možemo doživeti.

Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.

Broj jedan na listi? Smrt supružnika.

Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation.

Broj dva, razvod. Tri, rastanak od partnera.

Now, generally, but not always,

E sad, generalno, ali ne uvek,

for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list,

da bi se ove tri stvari desile, treba nam broj sedam na listi,

which is marriage.

a to je brak.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution.

Četvrto na listi je zatvaranje u ustanovu.

Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

E sad, neki kažu da je broj sedam stavljen dva puta.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I don't believe that.

Ja u to ne verujem.

When the life stress inventory was built,

Kada je spisak stresnih situacija sastavljen,

back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage.

dugoročna veza se izjednačavala sa brakom.

Not so now.

Ali ne i sada.

So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including

Za potrebe ovog govora, tu ću uključiti

de facto relationships, common-law marriages

de fakto veze, vanbračne zajednice

and same-sex marriages,

i istopolne brakove,

or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages.

ili istopolne veze koje će uskoro postati brakovi.

And I can say from my work with same-sex couples,

Iz iskustva u radu sa istopolnim parovima,

the principles I'm about to talk about are no different.

mogu da kažem da se principi o kojima ću govoriti ne razlikuju.

They're the same across all relationships.

Isti su u svim vezama.

So in a modern society,

U modernom društvu,

we know that prevention is better than cure.

bolje je sprečiti nego lečiti.

We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles.

Vakcinišemo protiv dečije paralize,

difterije, tetanusa, velikog kašlja, boginja.

We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --

Imamo kampanje za melanom, infarkt, dijabetes -

all important campaigns.

sve su to važnje kampanje.

But none of those conditions come close

Ali, ništa od ovoga

to affecting 45 percent of us.

ne pogađa 45 posto ljudi.

Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate.

Četrdeset pet: to je trenutna stopa razvoda.

Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

Zašto nema preventivne kampanje za razvod?

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe

Pa, valjda zato što naši zakonodavci misle

that things like attraction and the way relationships are built

da stvari kao što su privlačnost i način na koji se grade veze

is changeable or educable.

ne mogu da se promene ili poduče.

Why?

Zašto?

Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X.

Pa, naši zakonodavci su trenutno generacija X.

They're in their 30s to 50s.

Oni imaju od 30 do 50 godina.

And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues,

I kada im pričam o ovim problemima,

I see their eyes glaze over,

pogled im se zamuti,

and I can see them thinking,

i vidim da razmišljaju:

"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?

„Zar ovaj ludi psihijatar ne shvata?

You can't control the way in which people attract other people

Ne možete kontrolisati način na koji se ljudi međusobno privlače

and build relationships."

i grade veze“.

Not so, our dear millennials.

Ali, ne i naši dragi milenijalci.

This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation,

Ovo je najinformisanija, najanalitičnija i najskeptičnija generacija,

making the most informed decisions of any generation before them.

koja donosi najpromišljenije odluke od svih generacija pre njih.

And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction.

I kada razgovaram sa milenijalcima, dobijem skroz drugačiju reakciju.

They actually want to hear about this.

Oni zapravo žele da slušaju o ovome.

They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

Žele da znaju kako imamo veze koje traju.

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,

Za one koji žele da prihvate eru post- „romantične sudbine“ sa mnom,

let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce.

izneću vam svoja tri trika za sprečavanje razvoda.

Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points:

Оvako, razvod možemo sprečiti u dva trenutka:

later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship;

kasnije, kada se pojave problemi u već uspostavljenoj vezi;

or earlier, before we commit, before we have children.

ili ranije, pre nego što se obavežemo, pre nego što dobijemo decu.

And that's where I'm going to take us now.

A tamo ću vas ja sada povesti.

So my first life hack:

Moj prvi trik:

millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day.

milenijalci dnevno provode više od sedam sati na svojim uređajima.

That's American data.

To su američki podaci.

And some say, probably not unreasonably,

A neki kažu, i verovatno ne bez razloga,

this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships.

da je to, po svoj prilici, uticalo na njihove veze u stvarnosti.

Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture,

Dodajte tome i kulturu seksa bez obaveza

ergo apps like Tinder,

to jest, aplikacije kao što je Tinder,

and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with

pa i nije iznenađujuće da mi 20-godišnjaci sa kojima radim

will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them

često pričaju koliko im je uglavnom lakše

to have sex with somebody that they've met

da imaju seksualni odnos sa nekim koga su upoznali

than have a meaningful conversation.

nego da vode smisleni razgovor.

Now, some say this is a bad thing.

E sad, neki kažu da je to loše.

I say this is a really good thing.

Ja kažem da je to stvarno dobro.

It's a particularly good thing

Posebno je dobro

to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage.

imati seksulane odnose izvan institucije braka.

Now, before you go out and get all moral on me,

I pre nego što počnete da mi morališete,

remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report,

setite se generacije X, u kojoj je, prema Američkom javnom izveštaju

they found that 91 percent of women

91 posto žena upražnjavalo

had had premarital sex by the age of 30.

predbračne seksualne odnose do 30. godine.

Ninety-one percent.

Devedeset jedan posto.

It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later.

Posebno je dobro što se ove veze dešavaju kasnije.

See, boomers in the '60s --

Vidite, u „bebi-bum“ generaciji 60-ih

they were getting married at an average age for women of 20

žene su se venčavale u proseku sa 20 godina

and 23 for men.

a muškarci sa 23 godine.

2015 in Australia?

U Australiji 2015. godine?

That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.

Žene sa 30 a muškarci sa 32.

That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married,

To je dobro, jer što ste stariji kada se venčavate,

the lower your divorce rate.

manje su šanse za razvod.

Why?

Zašto?

Why is it helpful to get married later?

Zašto je bolje da se venčate kasnije?

Three reasons.

Iz tri razloga.

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce

Prvo, kada se venčate kasnije, druge prepreke za razvod

to come into play.

stupaju na scenu.

They are tertiary education

To su visoko obrazovanje

and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education.

i viši prihodi, koji uglavnom idu uz visoko obrazovanje.

So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together.

Tako da se ova tri faktora nekako pomešaju.

Number two,

Drugo,

neuroplasticity research tell us

istraživanja neuroplasticiteta kažu

that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25.

da ljudski mozak i dalje raste bar do 25. godine.

So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking

To znači da se način razmišljanja

is still changing up until 25.

i dalje menja do 25. godine.

And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality.

I treće, i po mom mišljenju, najvažnije, je ličnost.

Your personality at the age of 20

Tvoja ličnost sa 20 godina

does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

ne odgovara tvojoj ličnosti sa 50.

But your personality at the age of 30

Ali tvoja ličnost sa 30 godina

does correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

odgovara tvojoj ličnosti sa 50.

So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up,

Zato, kada pitam nekoga ko se venčao mlad zašto su se rastali,

and they say, "We grew apart,"

pa kažu: „Jer smo se udaljili“,

they're being surprisingly accurate,

oni su iznenađujuće u pravu,

because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

jer su dvadesete godine vreme brzih promena i sazrevanja.

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

Tako da, pre nego što se venčate, prvo treba da ostarite.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Number two,

Broj dva,

John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher,

Džon Gotman, psiholog i istraživač odnosa,

can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage.

nam može reći koji faktori utiču na srećan, uspešan brak.

But the one that I want to talk about

Ali onaj o kojem ja želim da govorim

is a big one:

je jako važan:

81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present.

81 procenat brakova implodira, razori se, ako se pojavi ovaj problem.

And the second reason why I want to talk about it here

A drugi razlog zašto hoću ovde o tome da govorim je

is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating.

taj što je to nešto što možete proceniti dok se zabavljate.

Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy

Gotman je otkrio da su najstabilnije i najsrećnije veze

over the longer term

na duže staze

were relationships in which the couple shared power.

one u kojima par deli moć.

They were influenceable:

Na njih se utiče:

big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car,

važne odluke, kao što su kupovina kuće, prekookeanska putovanja, kupovina auta,

having children.

dobijanje dece.

But when Gottman drilled down on this data,

Ali, kada je Gotman dublje istražio ove podatke,

what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable.

saznao je da se na žene generalno prilično može uticati.

Guess where the problem lay?

Pogodite u čemu je problem?

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there?

Postoje samo dve opcije, zar ne?

Yeah, we men were to blame.

Pa da, mi muškarci smo krivi.

The other thing that Gottman found

Druga stvar koju je Gotman saznao

is that men who are influenceable

je da su muškarci na koje se može uticati

also tended to be "outstanding fathers."

takođe uglavnom "sjajni očevi“.

So women: How influenceable is your man?

Žene: koliko su vaši muškarci podložni uticaju?

Men:

Muškarci:

you're with her because you respect her.

vi ste sa njom jer je poštujete.

Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

Pobrinite se da to poštovanje odigra ulogu u donošenju odluka.

Number three.

Broj tri.

I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me

Često me intrigira zašto me parovi posećuju

after they've been married for 30 or 40 years.

nakon što su u braku 30 ili 40 godina.

This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age.

Ovo je doba kada se oni bliže nemoći i bolesti starog doba.

It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other.

Doba kada su posebno fokusirani na brigu jedno o drugom.

They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years.

Oprostiće stvari koje ih muče godinama.

They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities,

Oprostiće sve izdaje, čak i neverstva,

because they're focused on caring for each other.

jer su fokusirani na brigu jedno o drugom.

So what pulls them apart?

Pa šta ih onda razdvaja?

The best word I have for this is reliability,

Najbolji termin koji imam za to je pouzdanost,

or the lack thereof.

ili njen nedostatak.

Does your partner have your back?

Da li vam partner čuva leđa?

It takes two forms.

To ima dva oblika.

Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do?

Prvo, da li se možete osloniti na partnera da će uraditi ono što kaže?

Do they follow through?

Da li istraje?

Secondly,

Drugo,

if, for example,

ako, na primer,

you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody,

izađete i neko vas verbalno napadne,

or you're suffering from a really disabling illness,

ili ako patite od veoma teške bolesti,

does your partner step up and do what needs to be done

da li se vaš partner zauzme za vas i uradi sve što je potrebno

to leave you feeling cared for and protected?

kako biste se osećali zbrinuto i zaštićeno?

And here's the rub:

Evo u čemu je problem:

if you're facing old age,

ako se bližite starom dobu,

and your partner isn't doing that for you --

a vaš partner ne radi to za vas -

in fact, you're having to do that for them --

zapravo, vi to treba da uradite za njega -

then in an already-fragile relationship,

onda, ako ste u već krhkoj vezi,

it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

bi vam možda bilo bolje van nje nego u njoj.

So is your partner there for you when it really matters?

Pa, da li je vaš partner tu za vas kada je stvarno važno?

Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,

Ne stalno, u 80 posto slučajeva,

but particularly if it's important to you.

ali posebno ako je važno vama.

On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner.

Pažljivo razmislite pre nego što se obavežete da uradite nešto za partnera.

It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through

Mnogo je bolje da se obavežete onoliko koliko možete da ispunite

than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment

nego da se obavežete jer tako treba

and then let them down.

pa da ga onda izneverite.

And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it,

A ako je stvarno važno partneru, i vi se obavežete,

make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

pobrinite se da pomerite nebo i zemlju da u tome istrajete.

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for.

Ovo su stvari koje mislim da treba da tražite.

Don't worry, these are also things that can be built

Ne brinite, to su i stvari koje se mogu izgraditi

in existing relationships.

u postojećoj vezi.

I believe that the most important decision

Verujem da je najvažnija odluka

that you can make

koju možete doneti

is who you choose as a life partner,

ona o izboru životnog partnera,

who you choose as the other parent of your children.

ona o izboru roditelja vaše dece.

And of course, romance has to be there.

Naravno, tu mora biti romantike.

Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing.

Romantika je uzvišena, prelepa i neobična stvar.

But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart

Ali, romantičnom, nežnom srcu treba dodati

an informed, thoughtful mind,

promišljeni, oprezni um,

as we make the most important decision of our life.

kada donosimo najvažniju životnu odluku.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)