3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West

翻译人员: Yolanda Zhang 校对人员: TED Translators admin

Almost 50 years ago,

差不多五十年前，

psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory

精神病学家理查德 · 赖特 和托马斯 · 赫姆斯列出了一份清单，

of the most distressing human experiences that we could have.

包含了我们所能拥有的 最痛苦的人类经历。

Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.

排名第一的是配偶的去世。

Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation.

第二：离婚。 第三：婚内分居。

Now, generally, but not always,

通常是这样，但并非总是如此，

for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list,

要让这三件事情发生，我们 需要先实现名单上的第七条，

which is marriage.

也就是婚姻。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution.

名单上的第四条是在监狱里被监禁。

Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

有人会说第七条已经算了两次。 （译者注：将婚姻比做囚牢）

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I don't believe that.

对此我并不认同。

When the life stress inventory was built,

在这份生活压力清单 诞生的那个年代，

back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage.

一个长期的关系几乎等同于婚姻。

Not so now.

现在情况已经不同了，

So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including

为了本次演讲的目的，我将会考虑

de facto relationships, common-law marriages

同居关系，事实婚姻，

and same-sex marriages,

以及同性婚姻，

or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages.

或者说同性关系， 希望很快会成为婚姻。

And I can say from my work with same-sex couples,

基于我与若干对同性伴侣的合作，

the principles I'm about to talk about are no different.

我要谈的原则没有什么不同，

They're the same across all relationships.

它们在所有关系中都适用。

So in a modern society,

在现代社会中，

we know that prevention is better than cure.

我们知道预防胜于治疗。

We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles.

我们接种疫苗预防脊髓灰质炎， 白喉，破伤风，百日咳，麻疹。

We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --

我们还开展了关于黑色素瘤、 中风、糖尿病的认知运动。

all important campaigns.

这些都是重要的运动，

But none of those conditions come close

但其中没有一项

to affecting 45 percent of us.

能影响接近45%的人口。

Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate.

45%。 这就是我们目前的离婚率。

Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

为什么没有预防离婚的运动？

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe

我认为这是因为我们的 政策制定者不相信

that things like attraction and the way relationships are built

吸引力和建立关系的方式是

is changeable or educable.

可以改变的，或者可以教育的。

Why?

为什么呢？

Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X.

事实上，目前我们的 政策制定者是X一代，

They're in their 30s to 50s.

他们的年龄在 30 至 60 岁。

And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues,

当我和这些人谈论这些问题时，

I see their eyes glaze over,

我看到他们一脸茫然，

and I can see them thinking,

很显然他们在想：

"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?

“难道这个疯狂的 精神病学家不明白吗？

You can't control the way in which people attract other people

你不能控制人们相互吸引

and build relationships."

和建立关系的方式。”

Not so, our dear millennials.

而对我们亲爱的千禧一代 来说并不是这样。

This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation,

这是信息联系最紧密、分析能力最强、 最具怀疑精神的一代，

making the most informed decisions of any generation before them.

相比之前的任何一代人， 他们能做出最明智的决定。

And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction.

当我和千禧一代交谈时， 我得到了一个非常不同的反应。

They actually want to hear about this.

他们乐意洗耳恭听。

他们想知道我们该如何 维持长久的关系。

They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,

所以，对于那些想和我一起 拥抱“后浪漫命运”时代的人，

let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce.

不妨听我说说三个 防止离婚的生活技巧。

Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points:

我们可以在两个时间点 进行干预，以防止离婚：

later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship;

在后期，当一个确定的 关系出现了裂缝；

or earlier, before we commit, before we have children.

或者在早期，在我们做出 承诺之前，生孩子之前，

And that's where I'm going to take us now.

这就是我现在要讨论的时期。

So my first life hack:

我的第一个生活技巧：

millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day.

千禧一代每天花在电子设备上的 时间达到了七小时以上。

That's American data.

这是美国的数据。

And some say, probably not unreasonably,

有人说，该说法可能不无道理，

this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships.

这可能会影响他们面对面时的关系。

Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture,

的确，而且这种“牵线文化”催生了

ergo apps like Tinder,

像Tinder这样的应用程序，

and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with

这也难怪，与我合作的 那些 20 多岁的年轻人

will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them

往往会和我谈到， 相比展开一次有意义的对话，

to have sex with somebody that they've met

than have a meaningful conversation.

常常更容易。

Now, some say this is a bad thing.

有人说这是件坏事儿。

I say this is a really good thing.

我却说这真是一件好事儿。

It's a particularly good thing

在婚姻制度之外发生性关系

尤其是件好事儿。

to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage.

Now, before you go out and get all moral on me,

不过在你开始评论我的道德观之前，

remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report,

别忘了，在《美国公共报告》中，

他们发现 X 一代中 有 91% 的女性在 30 岁之前

they found that 91 percent of women

had had premarital sex by the age of 30.

有过婚前性行为。

Ninety-one percent.

91%。

It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later.

这些关系在较晚的时候 发生尤其是个好现象。

See, boomers in the '60s --

想想看，60 年代婴儿潮 时期出生的人们——

they were getting married at an average age for women of 20

他们结婚时女性平均为20 岁，

男性为 23 岁。

and 23 for men.

2015 in Australia?

2015 年澳大利亚的数据表明，

That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.

女性婚龄推迟到了30岁，男性是32岁。

That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married,

这是件好事，因为你越是晚婚，

the lower your divorce rate.

离婚率就越低。

为什么呢？

Why?

为什么晚婚有助于维持婚姻？

Why is it helpful to get married later?

Three reasons.

有三个原因。

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce

首先，晚婚可以让 防止离婚的另外两个因素

to come into play.

发挥作用，

They are tertiary education

即高等教育，

and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education.

和较高的收入，这样的人 也往往愿意与高学历的人结婚。

这三个因素几乎是交织在一起的。

So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together.

Number two,

第二：

neuroplasticity research tell us

神经可塑性研究告诉我们，

that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25.

人类的大脑在 25 岁之前仍然在发育。

So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking

这意味着你的思维方式 以及你所思考的事物

在 25 岁之前都是不断变化的。

is still changing up until 25.

And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality.

第三，对我来说最重要的是人格。

Your personality at the age of 20

你在 20 岁时的人格

does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

与 50 岁时的人格并不相关。

But your personality at the age of 30

但是你在 30 岁时的人格

does correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

与50 岁时的人格有关。

所以，当我问一个早婚的人 他们为什么分手，

So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up,

他们会说，“我们都变了。”

and they say, "We grew apart,"

they're being surprisingly accurate,

真是一语中的，

because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

因为 20 多岁正是人们 迅速变化和成熟的十年。

所以你在结婚前想做的 第一件事就是变老。

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Number two,

第二。

John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher,

心理学家和关系研究员约翰 · 戈特曼

can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage.

可以告诉我们许多与幸福和 成功的婚姻相关的因素。

But the one that I want to talk about

但我想谈的是个

is a big one:

很大的因素。

81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present.

存在这个问题的婚姻中 有80%会破裂并走向终结。

And the second reason why I want to talk about it here

我想在这里谈论它，

是因为你在约会时就可以对它进行评估。

is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating.

Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy

戈特曼发现，在那些最稳定和辛福的

over the longer term

长期关系中，

were relationships in which the couple shared power.

夫妻双方会共享权力。

They were influenceable:

他们相互影响：

big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car,

在大决定的决定上，比如 买房子，出国旅行，买车，

having children.

生孩子。

But when Gottman drilled down on this data,

但是当戈特曼 深入研究这些数据时，

what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable.

他发现女性通常 都是易受影响的。

Guess where the problem lay?

猜猜问题在哪里？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there?

没错，这里只有两个选择。

Yeah, we men were to blame.

是的，责任在我们男人身上。

The other thing that Gottman found

戈特曼发现的另一件事是，

is that men who are influenceable

愿意被影响的男人

also tended to be "outstanding fathers."

也往往被认为是 “杰出的父亲。”

So women: How influenceable is your man?

那么女士们，你的男人 有多么愿意受你影响？

Men:

先生们：

你和她在一起，因为你尊重她。

you're with her because you respect her.

Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

请确保你在做决定时 也会带着这样的尊重。

Number three.

第三。

I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me

我常常很好奇，为什么那些夫妻

after they've been married for 30 or 40 years.

在结婚了三四十年之后才来找我。

This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age.

在这段时期，他们正在经历 高龄带来的衰弱和疾病，

It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other.

也正是在这段时期， 他们特别专注于彼此照顾。

They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years.

他们会原谅多年来困扰他们的事。

他们会原谅旧日的背叛甚至不忠，

They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities,

because they're focused on caring for each other.

因为他们专注于彼此关怀。

那么是什么把他们分开了呢？

So what pulls them apart?

The best word I have for this is reliability,

对此，我能想到的 最恰当的词是可靠性，

or the lack thereof.

或缺乏可靠性。

Does your partner have your back?

你的伴侣支持你吗？

It takes two forms.

支持有两种形式。

Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do?

首先，你相信你的伴侣 会说到做到吗？

Do they follow through?

他们会坚持到底吗？

Secondly,

其次，

if, for example,

比如说，

如果你出门在外被人用言辞羞辱，

you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody,

or you're suffering from a really disabling illness,

或者你患有一种 让你生活无法自理的疾病，

does your partner step up and do what needs to be done

你的伴侣是否会做出相应的行动，

to leave you feeling cared for and protected?

让你感到被人照顾和保护？

And here's the rub:

这就是问题所在：

if you're facing old age,

如果你已步入暮年，

and your partner isn't doing that for you --

而你的伴侣并没有做到这些——

in fact, you're having to do that for them --

事实上，你反而不得不 为他们这样做——

then in an already-fragile relationship,

而你们的关系已经脆弱不堪，

it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

那么看上去脱离 这段关系对你来说更好。

So is your partner there for you when it really matters?

硬刺，在重要的时候， 你的伴侣会陪着你吗？

Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,

我不是说所有的时间，80%的时间，

but particularly if it's important to you.

特别是在很重要的事情上。

On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner.

对你来说，在你对伴侣做出承诺前要三思而行。

It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through

能够量力而行的做出承诺，相比

than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment

当时信誓旦旦，后来却让他们失望

and then let them down.

要好得多。

And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it,

如果这对你的伴侣非常重要， 并且你已经做出了承诺，

make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

请确保你无论如何都要兑现诺言。

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for.

这些就是你可以审视的东西。

Don't worry, these are also things that can be built

不过别担心，这些也可以在现有的

in existing relationships.

关系中建立。

I believe that the most important decision

我认为，你可以做出的

that you can make

最重要的决定

is who you choose as a life partner,

就是选择谁作为生活伴侣，

选择谁作为孩子的另一个家长。

who you choose as the other parent of your children.

And of course, romance has to be there.

当然，浪漫不能少，

浪漫是一件盛大，美丽 而又神奇的事情。

Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing.

But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart

但当我们做出生命中 最重要的决定时，

an informed, thoughtful mind,

还要怀有一颗浪漫的，充满爱的心，

as we make the most important decision of our life.

以及一个理解的，体贴周到的头脑。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）