3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: SF Huang

Almost 50 years ago,

大約五十年前，

psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory

精神病學家理查．拉希 和湯瑪斯．荷姆斯列出了一張

of the most distressing human experiences that we could have.

排序了人類所能經歷 最痛苦事件的評量表。

Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.

排名第一的是什麼經歷？喪偶。

Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation.

第二名：離婚。第三名：分居。

Now, generally, but not always,

一般來說，但並不盡然，

for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list,

上述三種狀況會發生的前提是 先要有排行第七名的經歷：

which is marriage.

婚姻。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution.

第四名是被監禁在一個機構中。

Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

有人說這和第七名的項目重覆了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I don't believe that.

我不這麼認為。

When the life stress inventory was built,

在人生壓力量表出現的那個時代，

back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage.

一段長期的關係就等同於婚姻。

Not so now.

現在就不見得了。 所以在這場演說中，

So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including

我會納入……

de facto relationships, common-law marriages

同居關係、普通法婚姻、

and same-sex marriages,

同性婚姻，

or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages.

或是有希望很快就能 變成婚姻的同性關係。

And I can say from my work with same-sex couples,

根據我在工作中 和同性伴侶的互動瞭解，

the principles I'm about to talk about are no different.

我可以說接下來要談的原則 不會因性向而有所不同。

They're the same across all relationships.

這些原則適用於各種關係。

So in a modern society,

在現代社會，

we know that prevention is better than cure.

我們都知道預防勝於治療。

We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles.

我們打疫苗來預防小兒麻痺、 白喉、破傷風、百日咳、麻疹。

We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --

對於黑色素瘤、中風、糖尿病， 我們都有舉辦宣導活動——

all important campaigns.

都是重要的活動。

But none of those conditions come close

但這些疾病沒有一樣會影響到

to affecting 45 percent of us.

45% 的我們。

Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate.

45%：那是我們目前的離婚率。

Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

為什麼沒有針對離婚做的預防活動？

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe

我認為原因是因為 我們的政策制訂者不相信

that things like attraction and the way relationships are built

吸引力和營建關係等這類東西，

is changeable or educable.

是可以改變或可以教育的。

Why?

為什麼？

Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X.

目前，我們的政策制訂者 是 X 世代的人。

They're in their 30s to 50s.

他們年約三十幾歲到五十幾歲。

And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues,

當我和他們談到這些議題時，

I see their eyes glaze over,

我會看到他們目光變呆滯，

and I can see them thinking,

我知道他們在想：

"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?

「這個瘋精神病學家難道不懂嗎？

You can't control the way in which people attract other people

我們無法控制人與人相互吸引

以及建立關係的方式。」

and build relationships."

Not so, our dear millennials.

不是這樣的，親愛的千禧世代。

This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation,

這是資訊連結最緊密、最具分析 和懷疑精神的世代，

making the most informed decisions of any generation before them.

比起先前的任何世代都能 做出更明智的決策。

And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction.

當我和千禧世代談話時， 我得到非常不同的反應。

They actually want to hear about this.

他們會很想要聽這件事。

他們想知道我們如何 才能維持長久的關係？

They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,

所以，如果你想和我一起 擁抱後「浪漫邂逅」時代，

let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce.

讓我來談談避免離婚的 三項人生秘技。

Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points:

我們可在以下的兩個時點 介入以預防離婚：

later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship;

後期，在已確立的關係出現裂痕時；

or earlier, before we commit, before we have children.

或早期，在做出承諾之前， 在生孩子之前。

And that's where I'm going to take us now.

我現在就要來跟大家談談這些。

So my first life hack:

所以，我的第一項人生秘技：

millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day.

千禧世代每天會花七個小時以上 在他們的電子裝置。

That's American data.

那是美國的資料。

And some say, probably not unreasonably,

有些人認為，可能不無道理，

this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships.

這個現象可能會影響到 他們面對面的關係。

Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture,

的確，再加上配對文化，

ergo apps like Tinder,

Tinder 這類約會應用程式，

and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with

我並不意外，當工作上 遇到的二十多歲年輕人

will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them

常常會跟我談到，

通常對他們來說，和認識的人上床

to have sex with somebody that they've met

than have a meaningful conversation.

比和他們做有意義的談話更為容易。

Now, some say this is a bad thing.

有些人認為這不是好事。

I say this is a really good thing.

我會說這是件很好的事。

It's a particularly good thing

特別好的一點就是

to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage.

能夠在婚姻的制度之外發生性行為。

Now, before you go out and get all moral on me,

在你們以道德來訓誡我之前，

remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report,

別忘了，根據美國公眾報告，

they found that 91 percent of women

他們發現 X 世代中 有 91% 的女性

had had premarital sex by the age of 30.

在三十歲之前就有過婚前性行為。

Ninety-one percent.

91%。

It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later.

特別好的一點就是， 關係建立是在之後才發生的。

See, boomers in the '60s --

六 ○ 年代嬰兒潮出生的人——

they were getting married at an average age for women of 20

他們平均的結婚年齡是： 女性二十歲，

and 23 for men.

男性二十三歲。

2015 in Australia?

2015 年澳洲的狀況呢？

That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.

女性三十歲，男性三十二歲。

That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married,

那是件好事， 因為等年紀較長再結婚，

the lower your divorce rate.

你的離婚率會比較低。

Why?

為什麼？為什麼 晚點結婚是有幫助的？

Why is it helpful to get married later?

Three reasons.

有三個理由。第一：

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce

晚婚能讓另外兩項 預防離婚的元素發揮作用。

to come into play.

They are tertiary education

這兩項元素分別是高等教育

and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education.

及更高的收入， 這項通常和高等教育有關。

So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together.

所以這三個因子彼此都有些關聯。

Number two,

第二，

neuroplasticity research tell us

神經可塑性研究告訴我們，

that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25.

人類大腦會一直成長到

至少二十五歲。

So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking

那就表示你的思考方式和思考內容

在二十五歲之前仍然在改變。

is still changing up until 25.

And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality.

第三，也是我認為最重要的， 就是人格。

Your personality at the age of 20

你在二十歲時的人格

does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

和你在五十歲時的人格 並沒有相關性。

But your personality at the age of 30

但你在三十歲時的人格

does correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

和你在五十歲時的 人格確實有相關性。

So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up,

當我問早婚的人，為什麼會分手 ?

他們會說：「我們漸行漸遠。」

and they say, "We grew apart,"

they're being surprisingly accurate,

這說法其實非常正確，

because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

因為二十多歲， 是快速改變和成熟的時期。

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

所以，想結婚前你該做的 第一件事就是：變老。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Number two,

第二，

John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher,

約翰．高特曼是位心理學家 和關係研究者，

can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage.

能告訴我們許多快樂、 成功婚姻的相關要素。

But the one that I want to talk about

但我想要談的是一個重大要素，

is a big one:

81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present.

如果有這個問題出現，

81% 的婚姻都會潰堤 導致自我毀滅。

And the second reason why I want to talk about it here

我想要在這裡談它的第二個理由

是因為你在約會時就可以評估它。

is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating.

Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy

高特曼發現，

最穩定、快樂且較長久的關係，

over the longer term

were relationships in which the couple shared power.

是夫妻能夠共享權力的婚姻。

They were influenceable:

他們能相互影響：

big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car,

重大決策，比如買房子、 出國旅行、買車子、

having children.

生孩子。

But when Gottman drilled down on this data,

但當高特曼深入分析這些資料，

what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable.

他發現女性通常很容易受影響。

Guess where the problem lay?

猜猜問題在哪裡？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there?

是的，只有兩個選項，對吧？

Yeah, we men were to blame.

是的，要怪我們男人。

The other thing that Gottman found

高特曼還有一項發現，

is that men who are influenceable

能夠受影響的男性

also tended to be "outstanding fathers."

也傾向會成為「出色的爸爸」。

So women: How influenceable is your man?

所以，女性們：妳的男人 會受妳多少的影響？

Men:

男性們：

you're with her because you respect her.

你和她在一起是因為你尊重她，

Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

請確保自己在做決策的過程中 也能展現出那份尊重。

Number three.

第三，

I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me

通常我很好奇那些已經有

after they've been married for 30 or 40 years.

三十或四十年婚齡的夫妻， 為何還來找我。

This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age.

這是他們面臨體弱和疾病的高齡期。

It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other.

這個是他們會特別重視 照護彼此的時期。

They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years.

他們會寬恕那些多年來 煩擾他們的事情。

They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities,

他們會寬恕背叛，甚至不忠，

because they're focused on caring for each other.

因為他們把焦點放在照顧彼此。 所以，是什麼讓他們分離？

So what pulls them apart?

The best word I have for this is reliability,

我能想到最理想的詞是：可靠度，

or the lack thereof.

或是說缺乏可靠度。

Does your partner have your back?

你的另一半能當你的靠山嗎？ 這有兩種形式。

It takes two forms.

Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do?

第一，你能不能仰賴你的另一半，

相信他會說到做到？

Do they follow through?

他們能堅持到底嗎？

Secondly,

第二，

if, for example,

舉例來說，

you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody,

若你在外面被人言語攻擊，

or you're suffering from a really disabling illness,

或是你得了失能的疾病，

does your partner step up and do what needs to be done

你的另一半會義無反顧地 扛起保護和照顧的責任，

to leave you feeling cared for and protected?

讓你感受到關愛與呵護？

And here's the rub:

困難處在這裡：

if you're facing old age,

如果你步入老年，

and your partner isn't doing that for you --

而你的另一半沒有為你做這些——

in fact, you're having to do that for them --

事實上，是你得要為他們做這些 ——

then in an already-fragile relationship,

那麼，在已經很脆弱的關係中，

it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

你可能就會覺得，脫離關係 會比留在關係中更好些。

So is your partner there for you when it really matters?

所以，

在重要的時刻， 你的另一半會陪在你身邊嗎？

Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,

不用隨時都在， 80% 的時候要在，

but particularly if it's important to you.

特別是對你而言很重要的時候。

On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner.

在你這一邊，

在你對另一半承諾之前要謹慎思考。

It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through

量力而為地履行承諾，

than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment

比輕諾寡信卻事後讓人失望，

and then let them down.

要好太多。

And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it,

如果你承諾了某件對你的 另一半而言是很重要的事，

make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

要確保自己就算上刀山 下油鍋也得堅持到底。

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for.

這些是你們可以注意的事情。

Don't worry, these are also things that can be built

別擔心，這些在現存的關係中，

in existing relationships.

也可以建構出來。

I believe that the most important decision

我相信，你所能做出

that you can make

最重要的決策

is who you choose as a life partner,

就是選擇人生的伴侶，

who you choose as the other parent of your children.

你要選擇誰來當孩子的家長？

And of course, romance has to be there.

當然，一定要有愛情的成分。

Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing.

愛情是種令人愉悅、美好 卻又變幻莫測的東西。

But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart

但除了要有浪漫、懂愛的心之外，

an informed, thoughtful mind,

我們還要有顆明智細心的大腦，

as we make the most important decision of our life.

才能為我們的人生 做出最重要的決策。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）