Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why | Helen Fisher

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

I was recently traveling in the Highlands of New Guinea,

Nedavno sam putovala u visoravni Nove Gvineje

and I was talking with a man who had three wives.

i razgovarala sam sa čovekom koji ima tri supruge.

I asked him, "How many wives would you like to have?"

Upitala sam ga: "Koliko žena bi voleo da imaš?"

And there was this long pause,

I usledila je duga pauza,

and I thought to myself,

i pomislila sam u sebi:

"Is he going to say five?

"Hoće li da kaže pet?

Is he going to say 10?

Da li će reći 10?

Is he going to say 25?"

Da li će reći 25?"

And he leaned towards me

A on se nageo prema meni

and he whispered, "None."

i prošaputao: "Nijednu."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Eighty-six percent of human societies permit a man to have several wives:

Osamdeset šest procenata ljudskih društava dozvoljava muškarcu da ima više supruga -

polygyny.

poligamiju.

But in the vast majority of these cultures,

Ali u značajnoj većini ovih kultura

only about five or ten percent of men actually do have several wives.

svega pet do deset procenata muškaraca zapravo ima nekoliko supruga.

Having several partners can be a toothache.

Imati nekoliko partnera može da bude zubobolja.

In fact, co-wives can fight with each other,

Zapravo, supruge mogu međusobno da se svađaju,

sometimes they can even poison each other's children.

ponekad čak mogu i da potruju jedna drugoj decu.

And you've got to have a lot of cows, a lot of goats,

I morate da imate mnogo krava, mnogo koza,

a lot of money, a lot of land,

mnogo novca, mnogo zemlje

in order to build a harem.

kako biste sagradili harem.

We are a pair-bonding species.

Mi smo vrsta koja se sparuje.

Ninety-seven percent of mammals do not pair up to rear their young;

Devedeset sedam procenata sisara se ne sparuje kako bi podizali svoje mlade

human beings do.

a ljudska bića to rade.

I'm not suggesting that we're not --

Ne sugerišem da nismo -

that we're necessarily sexually faithful to our partners.

da smo nužno seksualno verni našim partnerima.

I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,

Posmatrala sam preljubu u 42 kulture,

I understand, actually, some of the genetics of it,

zapravo razumem delom genetiku iza nje,

and some of the brain circuitry of it.

kao i neke od njenih moždanih tokova.

It's very common around the world,

Veoma je uobičajena širom sveta,

but we are built to love.

ali stvoreni smo da volimo.

How is technology changing love?

Kako tehnologija menja ljubav?

I'm going to say almost not at all.

Reći ću da skoro uopšte ne menja.

I study the brain.

Izučavam mozak.

I and my colleagues have put over 100 people into a brain scanner --

Moje kolega i ja smo stavili preko 100 ljudi na skener mozga -

people who had just fallen happily in love,

ljude koji su se upravo srećno zaljubili,

people who had just been rejected in love

ljude čiju su ljubav upravo odbili

and people who are in love long-term.

i ljude koji su već dugo zaljubljeni.

And it is possible to remain "in love" long-term.

I moguće je ostati "zaljubljen" na duže.

And I've long ago maintained

I davno sam utvrdila

that we've evolved three distinctly different brain systems

da su kod nas evoluirala tri vidno različita moždana sistema

for mating and reproduction:

za parenje i razmnožavanje:

sex drive,

nagon za seksom,

feelings of intense romantic love

osećanja snažne romantične ljubavi

and feelings of deep cosmic attachment to a long-term partner.

i osećanja duboke kosmičke vezanosti za dugogodišnjeg partnera.

And together, these three brain systems --

A ova tri moždana sistema zajedno -

with many other parts of the brain --

uz mnoge druge delove mozga -

orchestrate our sexual, our romantic and our family lives.

upravljaju našim seksualnim, romantičnim i porodičnim životima.

But they lie way below the cortex,

Međutim, nalaze se daleko ispod korteksa,

way below the limbic system where we feel our emotions,

daleko ispod limbičkog sistema gde osećamo naše emocije,

generate our emotions.

gde nastaju naše emocije.

They lie in the most primitive parts of the brain, linked with energy,

Oni leže u najprimitivnijim delovima mozga povezanim s energijom,

focus, craving, motivation, wanting and drive.

usredsređenošću, žudnjom, motivacijom, željom i nagonom.

In this case,

U ovom slučaju

the drive to win life's greatest prize:

to je nagon da se dođe do najveće životne nagrade:

a mating partner.

partnera za parenje.

They evolved over 4.4 million years ago among our first ancestors,

Evoluirali su pre više od 4,4 miliona god. kod naših prvih predaka,

and they're not going to change if you swipe left or right on Tinder.

i neće se promeniti ako prstom povučete nalevo ili nadesno na Tinderu.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

There's no question that technology is changing the way we court:

Nesumnjivo je da tehnologija menja način na koji se udvaramo:

emailing, texting,

imejlovi, poruke,

emojis to express your emotions,

emotikoni za izražavanje emocija,

sexting,

seksualne poruke,

"liking" a photograph, selfies ...

"sviđanje" fotografija, selfiji...

We're seeing new rules and taboos for how to court.

Svedoci smo novih pravila i tabua udvaranja.

But, you know --

Međutim, znate -

is this actually dramatically changing love?

da li ovo zapravo drastično menja ljubav?

What about the late 1940s,

Šta je sa kasnim 1940-im,

when the automobile became very popular

kad je automobil postao veoma popularan

and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?

i kad smo iznenada dobili pokretne spavaće sobe?

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

How about the introduction of the birth control pill?

Šta je sa dolaskom kontraceptivne pilule?

Unchained from the great threat of pregnancy and social ruin,

Oslobođene velike opasnosti trudnoće i društvene propasti,

women could finally express their primitive and primal sexuality.

žene su konačno mogle da ispolje svoju primitivnu i iskonsku seksualnost.

Even dating sites are not changing love.

Čak ni sajtovi za zabavljanje ne menjaju ljubav.

I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,

Ja sam glavna naučna savetnica na Match.com-u,

I've been it for 11 years.

to sam već skoro 11 godina.

I keep telling them and they agree with me,

Stalno im govorim, i oni se slažu sa mnom,

that these are not dating sites,

da to nisu sajtovi za zabavljanje,

they are introducing sites.

to su sajtovi za upoznavanje.

When you sit down in a bar,

Kad sedite u baru,

in a coffee house,

u kafiću,

on a park bench,

na klupi u parku,

your ancient brain snaps into action like a sleeping cat awakened,

vaš drevni mozak namah kreće u akciju kao kad se uspavana mačka probudi

and you smile

i smešite se

and laugh

i smejete se

and listen

i slušate

and parade the way our ancestors did 100,000 years ago.

i šepurite se na isti način kao i naši preci pre 100 000 godina.

We can give you various people --

Možemo vam ponuditi više ljudi -

all the dating sites can --

svi sajtovi za zabavljanje mogu -

but the only real algorithm is your own human brain.

ali jedini istinski algoritam je vaš vlastiti ljudski mozak.

Technology is not going to change that.

Tehnologija to neće promeniti.

Technology is also not going to change who you choose to love.

Tehnologija takođe neće promeniti koga birate da volite.

I study the biology of personality,

Izučavam biologiju ličnosti

and I've come to believe

i stigla sam do uverenja

that we've evolved four very broad styles of thinking and behaving,

da su kod nas evoluirala četiri veoma široka načina razmišljanja i ponašanja,

linked with the dopamine, serotonin,

u vezi sa sistemima dopamina, serotonina,

testosterone and estrogen systems.

testosterona i estrogena.

So I created a questionnaire directly from brain science

Pa sam napravila upitnik direktno na osnovu nauke o mozgu

to measure the degree to which you express the traits --

kako bih izmerila stepen do kog ispoljavate osobine -

the constellation of traits --

skupine osobina -

linked with each of these four brain systems.

povezane sa svakim od ova četiri moždana sistema.

I then put that questionnaire on various dating sites

Potom sam postavila taj upitnik na više sajtova za zabavljanje

in 40 countries.

u 40 država.

Fourteen million or more people have now taken the questionnaire,

Za sad je više od 14 miliona ljudi ispunilo upitnik,

and I've been able to watch who's naturally drawn to whom.

i mogla sam da imam uvid u to koga prirodno privlači ko.

And as it turns out,

I ispostavilo se

those who were very expressive of the dopamine system

da su oni kod kojih je izražen dopaminski sistem

tend to be curious, creative, spontaneous, energetic --

više znatiželjni, kreativni, spontani, energični -

I would imagine there's an awful lot of people like that in this room --

pretpostavljam da ima poprilično sličnih ljudi u ovoj prostoriji -

they're drawn to people like themselves.

privlače ih ljudi slični njima.

Curious, creative people need people like themselves.

Znatiželjnim, kreativnim ljudima su potrebni ljudi nalik njima.

People who are very expressive of the serotonin system

Ljudi kod kojih je izražen serotoninski sistem

tend to be traditional, conventional, they follow the rules,

su više tradicionalni, konvencionalni, oni poštuju pravila,

they respect authority,

poštuju autoritete,

they tend to be religious -- religiosity is in the serotonin system --

često su religiozni - religioznost je u serotoninskom sistemu -

and traditional people go for traditional people.

a tradicionalne ljude privlače tradicionalni ljudi.

In that way, similarity attracts.

U tom slučaju se sličnosti privlače.

In the other two cases, opposites attract.

U druga dva slučaja se suprotnosti privlače.

People very expressive of the testosterone system

Ljudi kod koji je izražen testosteronski sistem

tend to be analytical, logical, direct, decisive,

su često analitični, logični, direktni, odlučni

and they go for their opposite:

i privlače ih suprotnosti:

they go for somebody who's high estrogen,

privlače ih oni sa izraženim estrogenom,

somebody who's got very good verbal skills

oni koji imaju veoma dobre verbalne veštine

and people skills,

i vešti su s ljudima,

who's very intuitive

koji su izuzetno intuitivni

and who's very nurturing and emotionally expressive.

i koji su veoma brižni i emotivno izražajni.

We have natural patterns of mate choice.

Imamo prirodne obrasce izbora za parenje.

Modern technology is not going to change who we choose to love.

Moderna tehnologija neće promeniti koga biramo da volimo.

But technology is producing one modern trend

Ali tehnologija proizvodi jedan savremeni trend

that I find particularly important.

koji smatram naročito važnim.

It's associated with the concept of paradox of choice.

Povezan je sa konceptom paradoksa izbora.

For millions of years,

Milionima godina

we lived in little hunting and gathering groups.

smo živeli u malim grupama za lov i sakupljanje.

You didn't have the opportunity to choose

Niste imali mogućnost da birate

between 1,000 people on a dating site.

između 1000 ljudi na sajtu za zabavljanje.

In fact, I've been studying this recently,

Zapravo, ovo sam nedavno istraživala,

and I actually think there's some sort of sweet spot in the brain;

i zapravo smatram da postoji nekakva tačka zasićenosti u mozgu;

I don't know what it is, but apparently, from reading a lot of the data,

ne znam o čemu se radi, ali očito, iz uvida u mnoštvo podataka,

we can embrace about five to nine alternatives, and after that,

možemo da prigrlimo između pet i devet alternativa i nakon toga

you get into what academics call "cognitive overload,"

zapadate u ono što akademici nazivaju "kognitivnim preopterećenjem",

and you don't choose any.

i uopšte ne odabirate bilo koga.

So I've come to think that due to this cognitive overload,

Pa sam shvatila da zbog ovog kognitivnog preopterećenja

we're ushering in a new form of courtship

ulazimo u novi oblik udvaranja

that I call "slow love."

koji nazivam "spora ljubav".

I arrived at this during my work with Match.com.

Do ovog sam stigla radeći sa Match.com-om.

Every year for the last six years,

Svake godine u proteklih šest godina

we've done a study called "Singles in America."

smo radili istraživanje pod nazivom "Samci u Americi".

We don't poll the Match population,

Ne anketiramo populaciju sa Match-a,

we poll the American population.

anketiramo američku populaciju.

We use 5,000-plus people,

Koristimo više od 5000 ljudi,

a representative sample of Americans based on the US census.

reprezentativan uzorak Amerikanaca zasnovan na popisu SAD-a.

We've got data now on over 30,000 people,

Trenutno imamo podatke za preko 30 000 ljudi

and every single year,

i svake godine

I see some of the same patterns.

gledam iste obrasce.

Every single year when I ask the question,

Svake godine kad postavim pitanje,

over 50 percent of people have had a one-night stand --

preko 50 procenata ljudi koji su imali šemu za jednu noć -

not necessarily last year, but in their lives --

ne nužno u poslednjih godinu dana, već u njihovom životu -

50 percent have had a friends with benefits

50% je imalo prijatelje sa kojima imaju seks

during the course of their lives,

tokom svog života,

and over 50 percent have lived with a person long-term

a preko 50 procenata je živelo dugo godina s nekim

before marrying.

pre venčanja.

Americans think that this is reckless.

Amerikanci ovo smatraju nesmotrenošću.

I have doubted that for a long time;

Dugo sam sumnjala u to;

the patterns are too strong.

obrasci su tako dosledni.

There's got to be some Darwinian explanation --

Mora da postoji nekakvo darvinovsko objašnjenje -

Not that many people are crazy.

Ne može toliko ljudi da bude ludo.

And I stumbled, then, on a statistic that really came home to me.

I onda sam nabasala na statistiku koja mi je bila bliska.

It was a very interesting academic article

Radilo se o zanimljivom akademskom članku

in which I found that 67 percent of singles in America today

iz kog sam saznala da 67 procenata samaca u Americi danas,

who are living long-term with somebody,

koji dugo žive s nekim,

have not yet married because they are terrified of divorce.

još uvek se nisu venčali jer se užasavaju razvoda.

They're terrified of the social,

Užasavaju se društvenih,

legal, emotional,

pravnih, emotivnih,

economic consequences of divorce.

ekonomskih posledica razvoda.

So I came to realize that I don't think this is recklessness;

Pa sam shvatila da ne verujem da se radi o nesmotrenosti;

I think it's caution.

Mislim da se radi o oprezu.

Today's singles want to know every single thing about a partner

Današnji samci žele da znaju sve živo o svom partneru

before they wed.

pre nego što se venčaju.

You learn a lot between the sheets,

Saznate mnogo ispod jorgana,

not only about how somebody makes love,

ne samo o tome kako neko vodi ljubav,

but whether they're kind,

već i da li su srdačni,

whether they can listen

znaju li da slušaju,

and at my age,

i u mojim godinama,

whether they've got a sense of humor.

imaju li smisla za humor.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And in an age where we have too many choices,

A u dobu u kom imamo isuviše velik izbor,

we have very little fear of pregnancy and disease

imamo neznatan strah od trudnoće i bolesti

and we've got no feeling of shame for sex before marriage,

i ne stidimo se zbog seksa pre braka,

I think people are taking their time to love.

mislim da ljudi ne srljaju u ljubav.

And actually, what's happening is,

A zapravo se događa sledeće,

what we're seeing is a real expansion of the precommitment stage

ono što viđamo je istinska ekspanzija faze pred vezivanje,

before you tie the knot.

pre nego što stanete na ludi kamen.

Where marriage used to be the beginning of a relationship,

Nekad je brak bio početak veze -

now it's the finale.

sad je finale.

But the human brain --

No ljudski mozak -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

The human brain always triumphs,

Ljudski mozak uvek trijumfuje,

and indeed, in the United States today,

i zaista u SAD-u danas

86 percent of Americans will marry by age 49.

86 procenata Amerikanaca će se venčati do 49 godine,

And even in cultures around the world where they're not marrying as often,

pa čak i u kulturama širom sveta gde se tako često ne venčavaju,

they are settling down eventually with a long-term partner.

kad-tad se skrase sa dugoročnim partnerom.

So it began to occur to me:

Pa sam počela da uviđam:

during this long extension of the precommitment stage,

tokom ove duge ekstenzije faze pred vezivanje,

if you can get rid of bad relationships before you marry,

ako možete da se otarasite loših veza pre nego što se venčate,

maybe we're going to see more happy marriages.

možda ćemo da otkrijemo više srećnih brakova.

So I did a study of 1,100 married people in America --

Pa sam uradila istraživanje na 1100 venčanih ljudi u Americi -

not on Match.com, of course --

ne sa Match.com-a, naravno -

and I asked them a lot of questions.

i postavila sam im mnogo pitanja.

But one of the questions was,

No jedno od pitanja je glasilo:

"Would you re-marry the person you're currently married to?"

"Da li biste se ponovo venčali sa osobom s kojom ste trenutno?"

And 81 percent said, "Yes."

I 81 procenat je odgovorilo: "Da".

In fact, the greatest change in modern romance and family life

Zapravo, najveća promena u savremenoj ljubavi i porodičnom životu

is not technology.

nije tehnologija.

It's not even slow love.

Nije čak ni spora ljubav.

It's actually women piling into the job market

Već žene koje popunjavaju tržište rada

in cultures around the world.

u kulturama širom sveta.

For millions of years,

Milionima godina,

our ancestors lived in little hunting and gathering groups.

naši preci su živeli u malenim grupama za lov i sakupljanje.

Women commuted to work to gather their fruits and vegetables.

Žene su krećale na rad kako bi brale voće i povrće.

They came home with 60 to 80 percent of the evening meal.

Vraćale su se kući sa 60 do 80 posto večernjeg obroka.

The double-income family was the rule.

Uobičajene su bile porodice sa dvoje zaposelnih.

And women were regarded as just as economically, socially

I žene su smatrane podjednako ekonomski, društveno

and sexually powerful as men.

i seksualno moćne kao i muškarci.

Then the environment changed some 10,000 years ago,

Onda se okruženje promenilo, pre nekih 10 000 godina,

we began to settle down on the farm

počeli smo da se skrašavamo na imanjima,

and both men and women became obliged, really,

te su i muškarci i žene postali primorani, zaista,

to marry the right person,

da se venčaju s pravom osobom,

from the right background,

iz odgovarjućeg okruženja,

from the right religion

odgovarajuće religije

and from the right kin and social and political connections.

i odgovarajućeg porekla, kao i društvenih i političkih veza.

Men's jobs became more important:

Muški poslovi su postali važniji:

they had to move the rocks, fell the trees, plow the land.

morali su da pomeraju stene, obaraju drveće, oru zemlju.

They brought the produce to local markets, and came home

Nosili su proizvode na lokalne pijace i vraćali se kući

with the equivalent of money.

s nečim nalik novcu.

Along with this,

S ovim

we see a rise of a host of beliefs:

vidimo uspon gomile uverenja:

the belief of virginity at marriage,

ubeđenje u bračnu nevinost,

arranged marriages -- strictly arranged marriages --

ugovorene brakove - strogo ugovorene brakove -

the belief that the man is the head of the household,

uverenje da je muškarac glava domaćinstva,

that the wife's place is in the home

da je ženi mesto u kući,

and most important,

i najvažnije

honor thy husband, and 'til death do us part.

poštuj svog muža i dok nas smrt ne rastavi.

These are gone.

Ovoga više nema.

They are going, and in many places,

Ovo nestaje, a na mnogim mestima

they are gone.

je nestalo.

We are right now in a marriage revolution.

Trenutno je u toku revolucija braka.

We are shedding 10,000 years of our farming tradition

Oslobađamo se 10 000 godina poljoprivredne tradicije

and moving forward towards egalitarian relationships between the sexes --

i približavamo se egalitarnom odnosu među rodovima -

something I regard as highly compatible with the ancient human spirit.

nešto što doživljavam kao veoma saglasno sa drevnim ljudskim duhom.

I'm not a Pollyanna;

Nisam optimistično dete;

there's a great deal to cry about.

ima tu štošta za žaljenje.

I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,

Izučavala sam razvod u 80 kultura,

I've studied, as I say, adultery in many --

izučavala sam, kao što rekoh, prevaru u mnogim -

there's a whole pile of problems.

ima tu čitava hrpa problema.

As William Butler Yeats, the poet, once said,

Kako je pesnik Vilijam Batler Jejts jednom rekao:

"Love is the crooked thing."

"Ljubav je nepoštena stvar."

I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."

Dodala bih: "Niko se živ neće izvući."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We all have problems.

Svi imamo probleme.

But in fact, I think the poet Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.

Ali zapravo mislim da je pesnik Rendal Džerel to najbolje sročio.

He said, "The dark, uneasy world of family life --

Rekao je: "Mračni, nespokojni svet porodičnog života -

where the greatest can fail, and the humblest succeed."

gde najveći omanuti mogu, a najkrotkiji uspevaju."

But I will leave you with this:

Međutim, ostaviću vas s ovim:

love and attachment will prevail,

ljubav i privrženost će da opstanu,

technology cannot change it.

tehnologija to ne može da promeni.

And I will conclude by saying

I završiću rečima,

any understanding of human relationships must take into account

bilo kakvo razumevanje ljudskih odnosa, mora da uzme u obzir

one the most powerful determinants of human behavior:

jednu od najmoćnijih odrednica ljudskog ponašanja:

the unquenchable,

neutoljivi,

adaptable

prilagodljivi

and primordial human drive to love.

i iskonski nagon ljudi da vole.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you so much for that, Helen.

Keli Stecel: Mnogo ti hvala, za ovo, Helen.

As you know, there's another speaker here with us

Kao što znaš, sa nama je još jedan govornik

that works in your same field.

koji radi u tvojoj oblasti.

She comes at it from a different perspective.

Ona joj prilazi iz drugačije perspektive.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who works with couples.

Ester Perel je psihoterapeutkinja koja radi s parovima.

You study data,

Ti izučavaš podatke,

Esther studies the stories the couples tell her

Ester izučava priče koje joj parovi pričaju,

when they come to her for help.

kada zatraže od nje pomoć.

Let's have her join us on the stage.

Neka nam se pridruži na sceni.

Esther?

Ester?

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

So Esther,

Pa, Ester,

when you were watching Helen's talk,

dok si gledala Helenin govor,

was there any part of it

da li ti je neki njegov deo

that resonated with you through the lens of your own work

zvučao poznato kroz perspektivu tvog sopstvenog rada

that you'd like to comment on?

koji bi želela da prokomentarišeš?

Esther Perel: It's interesting, because on the one hand,

Ester Perel: Zanimljivo je jer s jedne strane,

the need for love is ubiquitous and universal.

potreba za ljubavlju je sveprisutna i univerzalna.

But the way we love --

Međutim, način na koji volimo -

the meaning we make out of it --

značenje koje pripisujemo -

the rules that govern our relationships, I think,

pravila koja uređuju naše odnose, ja mislim

are changing fundamentally.

da se temeljno menjaju.

We come from a model that, until now,

Proistekli smo iz modela koji je do sad

was primarily regulated around duty and obligation,

primarno bio regulisan oko dužnosti i obaveza,

the needs of the collective and loyalty.

kolektivnih potreba i odanosti.

And we have shifted it

I preokrenuli smo to

to a model of free choice and individual rights,

u model slobode izbora i individualnih prava

and self-fulfillment and happiness.

i samoispunjenosti i sreće.

And so, that was the first thing I thought,

I dakle, prvo sam to pomislila,

that the need doesn't change,

kako se potreba nije promenila,

but the context and the way we regulate these relationships

ali kontekst i način na koji upravljamo tim odnosima

changes a lot.

su se mnogo promenili.

On the paradox of choice --

U vezi sa paradoksom izbora -

you know, on the one hand we relish the novelty

znate, s jedne strane, naslađujemo se novinom

and the playfulness, I think,

i razigranošću, verujem,

to be able to have so many options.

time što imamo toliki izbor.

And at the same time,

A istovremeno,

as you talk about this cognitive overload,

dok govoriš o kognitivnoj preopterećenosti,

I see many, many people who ...

vidim mnoge, mnoge ljude koji...

who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt

koji strepe od neizvesnosti i nesigurnosti

that comes with this massa of choice,

koja proističe iz ovolikog izbora,

creating a case of "FOMO"

uzrokujući stanje "SOPP"

and then leading us --

i koja nas vodi -

FOMO, fear of missed opportunity, or fear of missing out --

SOPP, strah od propuštene prilike, ili strah od propusta -

it's like, "How do I know I have found 'the one' --

poput: "Kako da znam da sam pronašla pravog -

the right one?"

odgovarajućeg?"

So we've created what I call this thing of "stable ambiguity."

Pa smo stvorili nešto što nazivam "stabilnom nedoumicom".

Stable ambiguity is when you are too afraid to be alone

Stabilna nedoumica je kad ste preplašeni od usamljenosti,

but also not really willing to engage in intimacy-building.

ali takođe niste voljni da se uključite u izgradnju prisnosti.

It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong the uncertainty of a relationship

To je skup taktika koje nekako odlažu neizvesnost ljubavne veze,

but also the uncertainty of the breakup.

ali i neizvesnost raskida.

So, here on the internet you have three major ones.

Pa, na internetu imate tri značajnije taktike.

One is icing and simmering,

Prva je zaleđivanje i krčkanje,

which are great stalling tactics

a to su sjajne taktike odugovlačenja

that offer a kind of holding pattern

koje nude obrazac zadržavanja,

that emphasizes the undefined nature of a relationship

koji naglašava neodređenu prirodu ljubavnog odnosa,

but at the same time gives you enough of a comforting consistency

ali vam istovremeno nudi dovoljno utešne doslednosti

and enough freedom of the undefined boundaries.

i dovoljno slobode neodređenih ograničenja.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Yeah?

Je l' da?

And then comes ghosting.

A onda sledi fantom taktika.

And ghosting is, basically,

A fantom je u suštini,

you disappear from this massa of texts on the spot,

kad na licu mesta nestanete iz sve te mase tekstova

and you don't have to deal with the pain that you inflict on another,

i ne morate da se bavite bolom koji ste naneli drugome,

because you're making it invisible even to yourself.

jer ste se postarali da bude nevidljiv i vama samima.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Yeah?

Je l' da?

So I was thinking -- these words came up for me as I was listening to you,

Pa sam razmišljala - ove reči sam smislila dok sam te slušala,

like how a vocabulary also creates a reality,

u smislu kako rečnik takođe stvara realnost,

and at the same time,

a istovremeno,

that's my question to you:

ovo je moje pitanje za tebe:

Do you think when the context changes,

da li smatraš da kad se kontekst izmeni

it still means that the nature of love remains the same?

da i dalje znači da je priroda ljubavi ostala ista?

You study the brain and I study people's relationships and stories,

Ti izučavaš mozak, a ja izučavam ljudske odnose i priče,

so I think it's everything you say, plus.

te ja mislim da stoji sve što si rekla i više.

But I don't always know the degree to which a changing context ...

Ali ja uvek ne znam stepen do kog izmena konteksta...

Does it at some point begin to change --

Da li istovremeno počinje da menja -

If the meaning changes, does it change the need,

ako se značenje promeni, da li to menja potrebu,

or is the need clear of the entire context?

ili je potreba nezavisna od čitavog konteksta?

HF: Wow! Well --

HF: Opa! Pa -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Well, I've got three points here, right?

Pa, ovde imam tri zaključka, u redu?

First of all, to your first one:

Pre svega, što se tiče prvog,

there's no question that we've changed, that we now want a person to love,

nesumnjivo da smo se promenili, da sada želimo osobu koju ćemo da volimo

and for thousands of years, we had to marry the right person

dok smo hiljadama godina morali da se venčavamo pravom osobom,

from the right background and right kin connection.

odgovarajućeg porekla i odgovarajućih veza.

And in fact, in my studies of 5,000 people every year,

I, zapravo, u mojim istraživanjima 5000 ljudi svake godine,

I ask them, "What are you looking for?"

pitam ih: "Za čim tragate?"

And every single year, over 97 percent say --

I svake godine, preko 97 procenata kaže -

EP: The list grows --

EP: Lista raste -

HF: Well, no.

HF: Ne baš.

The basic thing is over 97 percent of people

Osnovno za 97 procenata ljudi

want somebody that respects them,

je da žele nekoga ko ih poštuje,

somebody they can trust and confide in,

nekoga kome mogu da veruju i da se poveravaju,

somebody who makes them laugh,

nekoga ko ih zasmejava,

somebody who makes enough time for them

nekoga ko ima dovoljno vremena za njih

and somebody who they find physically attractive.

i nekoga koga smatraju fizički privlačnim.

That never changes.

To se nikad ne menja.

And there's certainly -- you know, there's two parts --

I izvesno - znate - imamo dva dela -

EP: But you know how I call that?

EP: Ali znaš kako ja to nazivam?

That's not what people used to say --

Ljudi nekad nisu tako govorili -

HF: That's exactly right.

HF: To je tačno.

EP: They said they wanted somebody with whom they have companionship,

EP: Govorili su da žele nekoga s kim imaju drugarstvo,

ekonomsku podršku, decu.

economic support, children.

We went from a production economy to a service economy.

Prešli smo sa proizvodne ekonomije na uslužnu ekonomiju.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We did it in the larger culture, and we're doing it in marriage.

Uradili smo to uopšteno u kulturi i uradili smo to u braku.

HF: Right, no question about it.

HF: Naravno, to je nesumnjivo.

But it's interesting, the millennials actually want to be very good parents,

Ali je zanimljivo da milenijalci zapravo žele da budu dobri roditelji,

whereas the generation above them wants to have a very fine marriage

dok je generacija pre njih želela da ima ugodne brakove,

but is not as focused on being a good parent.

ali se nisu usredsređivali na dobro roditeljstvo.

You see all of these nuances.

Vidite sve te nijanse.

There's two basic parts of personality:

Imamo dva osnovna dela ličnosti:

there's your culture -- everything you grew up to do and believe and say --

imamo kulturu - sve sa čime ste odrasli, u šta verujete i govorite -

and there's your temperament.

i imamo temperament.

Basically, what I've been talking about is your temperament.

U suštini ja sam govorila o temperamentu.

And that temperament is certainly going to change with changing times

A taj temperament će se izvesno menjati s vremenom promena

and changing beliefs.

i promenom uverenja.

And in terms of the paradox of choice,

A što se tiče paradoksa izbora,

there's no question about it that this is a pickle.

nesumnjivo se radi o začkoljici.

There were millions of years where you found that sweet boy

Milionima godina ste pronalazili tog simpatičnog dečaka

at the other side of the water hole,

s druge strane bare

and you went for it.

i išli ste mu u susret.

EP: Yes, but you --

EP: Da, ali -

HF: I do want to say one more thing.

HF: Želim da kažem još nešto.

The bottom line is, in hunting and gathering societies,

U krajnjoj liniji, u društvima lovaca i sakupljača,

they tended to have two or three partners during the course of their lives.

imali su dva ili tri partnera tokom njihovog života.

They weren't square!

Nisu bili nepustolovni!

And I'm not suggesting that we do,

I ne sugerišem da mi jesmo,

but the bottom line is, we've always had alternatives.

ali u krajnjoj liniji, oduvek smo imali alternative.

Mankind is always --

Čovečanstvo je oduvek -

in fact, the brain is well-built to what we call "equilibrate,"

zapravo, mozak je stvoren za nešto što zovemo "uravnoteživanjem",

to try and decide:

da pokuša da odluči:

Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?

da li da dođem i ostanem? Da li da odem ili ostanem?

What are the opportunities here?

Kakve su mi šanse tamo?

How do I handle this there?

Kako da se snađem s ovim ovde?

And so I think we're seeing another play-out of that now.

Stoga smatram da sad gledamo još jednu manifestaciju toga.

KS: Well, thank you both so much.

KS: Pa, hvala vam obema mnogo.

I think you're going to have a million dinner partners for tonight!

Mislim da ćete večeras imati milion partnera za večeru!

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you, thank you.

Hvala vam, hvala vam.