Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why | Helen Fisher

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

I was recently traveling in the Highlands of New Guinea,

Nedavno sam bila u Visočju Nove Gvineje

and I was talking with a man who had three wives.

i razgovarala sam s čovjekom s tri žene.

I asked him, "How many wives would you like to have?"

Pitala sam ga koliko bi žena volio imati.

And there was this long pause,

Nastala je duga pauza

and I thought to myself,

i pomislih,

"Is he going to say five?

"Hoće li reći pet?

Is he going to say 10?

Ili deset?

Is he going to say 25?"

Ili dvadeset pet?"

And he leaned towards me

Nagnuo se prema meni

and he whispered, "None."

i šapnuo, "Nijednu."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Eighty-six percent of human societies permit a man to have several wives:

Osamdeset šest posto ljudskih društava muškarcu dozvoljava višeženstvo:

polygyny.

poligeniju.

But in the vast majority of these cultures,

U većini ovih društava

only about five or ten percent of men actually do have several wives.

samo pet do deset posto muškaraca uistinu ima nekoliko žena.

Having several partners can be a toothache.

Nije lako imati više bračnih partnera.

In fact, co-wives can fight with each other,

Žene se mogu tući jedna s drugom,

sometimes they can even poison each other's children.

a ponekad jedna drugoj otruju djecu.

And you've got to have a lot of cows, a lot of goats,

Trebate imati puno krava, koza,

a lot of money, a lot of land,

novca, zemlje

in order to build a harem.

da biste sagradili harem.

We are a pair-bonding species.

Mi smo uparivačka vrsta.

Ninety-seven percent of mammals do not pair up to rear their young;

Čak 97% sisavaca ne mora se uparivati da bi odgajali svoje mlado,

human beings do.

ali ljudska bića moraju.

I'm not suggesting that we're not --

Ne kažem

that we're necessarily sexually faithful to our partners.

da smo nužno seksualno vjerni svojim partnerima.

I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,

Proučavala sam preljub u 42 kulture

I understand, actually, some of the genetics of it,

i donekle razumijem genetiku preljuba

and some of the brain circuitry of it.

i sklop mozga u toj situaciji.

It's very common around the world,

Uobičajeno je diljem svijeta,

but we are built to love.

ali stvoreni smo za ljubav.

How is technology changing love?

Kako tehnologija mijenja ljubav?

I'm going to say almost not at all.

Usuđujem se reći - nikako.

I study the brain.

Proučavam mozak.

I and my colleagues have put over 100 people into a brain scanner --

Kolege i ja skenirali smo mozgove stotine ljudi,

people who had just fallen happily in love,

ljudi koji su se nedavno sretno zaljubili,

people who had just been rejected in love

ljudi koji su nedavno odbačeni u ljubavi

and people who are in love long-term.

i ljudi koji su dugoročno zaljubljeni.

And it is possible to remain "in love" long-term.

Moguće je biti dugoročno zaljubljen.

And I've long ago maintained

Već dugo stojim pri tome

that we've evolved three distinctly different brain systems

da smo razvili tri različita sustava u mozgu

for mating and reproduction:

za parenje i reprodukciju:

sex drive,

libido,

feelings of intense romantic love

osjećaji intenzivne romantične ljubavi

and feelings of deep cosmic attachment to a long-term partner.

i osjećaji duboke kozmičke povezanosti s dugoročnim partnerom.

And together, these three brain systems --

Ova tri sustava mozga zajedno

with many other parts of the brain --

s mnogim drugim dijelovima mozga

orchestrate our sexual, our romantic and our family lives.

upravljaju našim seksualnim, romantičnim i obiteljskim životima.

But they lie way below the cortex,

No, nalaze se duboko ispod moždane opne,

way below the limbic system where we feel our emotions,

duboko ispod limbičkog sustava u kojemu osjećamo različite emocije,

generate our emotions.

u kojemu ih stvaramo.

They lie in the most primitive parts of the brain, linked with energy,

Nalaze se u najprimitivnijim dijelovima mozga povezanih s energijom,

focus, craving, motivation, wanting and drive.

pozornosti, žudnjom, motivacijom, željama i nagonima.

In this case,

U ovom slučaju

the drive to win life's greatest prize:

nagon da osvojimo najveću životnu nagradu:

a mating partner.

partnera za reprodukciju.

They evolved over 4.4 million years ago among our first ancestors,

Razvili su se prije 4,4 milijuna godina kod naših prvih predaka

and they're not going to change if you swipe left or right on Tinder.

i neće ih promijeniti vaš odabir na Tinderu.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

There's no question that technology is changing the way we court:

Tehnologija neupitno mijenja način na koji udvaramo:

emailing, texting,

mejlanje, SMS-anje,

emojis to express your emotions,

emotikoni za izražavanje osjećaja,

sexting,

seksualne poruke,

"liking" a photograph, selfies ...

lajkanje slika, selfiji...

We're seeing new rules and taboos for how to court.

Primjećujemo nova pravila i tabue u udvaranju.

But, you know --

Ali

is this actually dramatically changing love?

mijenja li išta od toga ljubav?

What about the late 1940s,

Sjetite se samo kasnih 40-ih

when the automobile became very popular

kada su automobili postali popularni,

and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?

a s njima i kreveti na četiri kotača.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

How about the introduction of the birth control pill?

A pojava kontracepcijskih pilula?

Unchained from the great threat of pregnancy and social ruin,

Omogućile su ženama da se oslobode okova trudnoće i društvene štete

women could finally express their primitive and primal sexuality.

i da konačno slobodno izraze svoju primitivnu, iskonsku seksualnost.

Even dating sites are not changing love.

Čak ni stranice za upoznavanje ne mijenjaju ljubav.

I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,

Ja sam viši znanstveni savjetnik stranice Match.com

I've been it for 11 years.

već 11 godina.

I keep telling them and they agree with me,

Uporno im govorim, i oni se slažu sa mnom,

that these are not dating sites,

da to nisu stranice za hodanje,

they are introducing sites.

već za upoznavanje.

When you sit down in a bar,

Kada sjedite u baru,

in a coffee house,

kafiću,

on a park bench,

na klupi u parku,

your ancient brain snaps into action like a sleeping cat awakened,

vaš prastari mozak iznenada se budi poput uspavane mačke

and you smile

i nasmiješite se,

and laugh

smijete se,

and listen

slušate

and parade the way our ancestors did 100,000 years ago.

i paradirate kao što su i naši preci to činili prije 100 000 godina.

We can give you various people --

Možemo vam dati gomile ljudi -

all the dating sites can --

kao i druge stranice za upoznavanje,

but the only real algorithm is your own human brain.

ali jedini pravi algoritam nalazi se u našem mozgu.

Technology is not going to change that.

Tehnologija to neće promijeniti.

Technology is also not going to change who you choose to love.

A neće promijeniti ni to koga odabiremo voljeti.

I study the biology of personality,

Proučavam biologiju osobnosti

and I've come to believe

i počela sam vjerovati

that we've evolved four very broad styles of thinking and behaving,

da smo razvili četiri velika stila razmišljanja i ponašanja

linked with the dopamine, serotonin,

povezanih sa sustavima dopamina, serotonina,

testosterone and estrogen systems.

testosterona i estrogena.

So I created a questionnaire directly from brain science

Inspirirana znanosti mozga stvorila sam upitnik

to measure the degree to which you express the traits --

koji mjeri koliko izražavamo te osobine -

the constellation of traits --

odnosno skupinu osobina -

linked with each of these four brain systems.

povezane sa svakim od ova četiri sustava mozga.

I then put that questionnaire on various dating sites

Zatim sam taj upitnik postavila na različite stranice za upoznavanje

in 40 countries.

u 40 zemalja.

Fourteen million or more people have now taken the questionnaire,

Dosada je taj upitnik ispunilo 14 milijuna ljudi

and I've been able to watch who's naturally drawn to whom.

i sada vidim tko koga prirodno privlači.

And as it turns out,

Ispostavilo se

those who were very expressive of the dopamine system

da su oni koji imaju izražen sustav dopamina

tend to be curious, creative, spontaneous, energetic --

znatiželjni, kreativni, spontani i energični.

I would imagine there's an awful lot of people like that in this room --

Pretpostavljam da je u ovoj prostoriji puno takvih ljudi -

they're drawn to people like themselves.

njih privlače ljudi poput njih.

Curious, creative people need people like themselves.

Znatiželjni, kreativni ljudi trebaju ljude poput sebe.

People who are very expressive of the serotonin system

Oni koji imaju izražen sustav serotonina

tend to be traditional, conventional, they follow the rules,

više su tradicionalni, konvencionalni, slijede pravila,

they respect authority,

poštuju autoritet,

they tend to be religious -- religiosity is in the serotonin system --

religiozni su - religioznost se nalazi u ovom sustavu -

and traditional people go for traditional people.

i tradicionalni ljudi vole tradicionalne ljude.

In that way, similarity attracts.

U ovim primjerima sličnosti se privlače.

In the other two cases, opposites attract.

U druga dva primjera suprotnosti se privlače.

People very expressive of the testosterone system

Ljudi s izraženim sustavom testosterona

tend to be analytical, logical, direct, decisive,

analitički su nastrojeni, logični, direktni, odlučni,

and they go for their opposite:

a vole svoju suprotnost:

they go for somebody who's high estrogen,

nekoga s više estrogena,

somebody who's got very good verbal skills

nekoga rječitog

and people skills,

tko zna s ljudima,

who's very intuitive

tko je intuitivan,

and who's very nurturing and emotionally expressive.

topao i emocionalno ekspresivan.

We have natural patterns of mate choice.

Imamo prirodne obrasce odabira partnera.

Modern technology is not going to change who we choose to love.

Moderna tehnologija neće promijeniti koga odlučujemo voljeti.

But technology is producing one modern trend

No, moderna tehnologija stvara moderan trend

that I find particularly important.

koji je meni prilično važan.

It's associated with the concept of paradox of choice.

Povezan je s konceptom paradoksa izbora.

For millions of years,

Milijunima godina

we lived in little hunting and gathering groups.

živjeli smo u malim društvima lovaca-sakupljača.

You didn't have the opportunity to choose

Nismo mogli birati

between 1,000 people on a dating site.

između 1 000 ljudi na stranici za upoznavanje.

In fact, I've been studying this recently,

Nedavno sam ovo proučavala

and I actually think there's some sort of sweet spot in the brain;

i mislim da u mozgu postoji optimalan broj koji može prihvatiti;

I don't know what it is, but apparently, from reading a lot of the data,

ne znam koji to, ali navodno, prema iščitanim podatcima,

we can embrace about five to nine alternatives, and after that,

možemo prihvatiti od pet do devet alternativa, a poslije toga

you get into what academics call "cognitive overload,"

ulazimo u ono što znalci nazivaju kognitivnim preopterećenjem

and you don't choose any.

nakon kojega ne izabirete nikoga.

So I've come to think that due to this cognitive overload,

Zbog ovog kognitivnog preopterećenja

we're ushering in a new form of courtship

javlja nam se novi oblik udvaranja

that I call "slow love."

koji ja nazivam usporena ljubavi.

I arrived at this during my work with Match.com.

Do tog sam zaključka došla radeći na stranici Match.com.

Every year for the last six years,

U zadnjih šest godina svake godine

we've done a study called "Singles in America."

provodimo istraživanje pod nazivom "Samci u Americi".

We don't poll the Match population,

Ne ispitujemo populaciju naše stranice,

we poll the American population.

već populaciju Amerike.

We use 5,000-plus people,

Uzmemo 5 000 i više ljudi,

a representative sample of Americans based on the US census.

što je reprezentativni uzorak SAD-a prema popisu stanovnika.

We've got data now on over 30,000 people,

Prikupili smo podatke 30 000 ljudi

and every single year,

i svake godine

I see some of the same patterns.

uviđam neke od istih obrazaca.

Every single year when I ask the question,

Svake godine kad postavim pitanje,

over 50 percent of people have had a one-night stand --

preko 50% ljudi imalo je vezu za jednu noć,

not necessarily last year, but in their lives --

ne nužno prošle godine, ali tijekom života -

50 percent have had a friends with benefits

50% ljudi imalo je prijatelja s povlasticama

during the course of their lives,

tijekom svog života,

and over 50 percent have lived with a person long-term

a preko 50% ljudi dugoročno je živjelo s drugom osobom

before marrying.

prije braka.

Americans think that this is reckless.

Amerikanci misle da je to nepromišljeno.

I have doubted that for a long time;

Dugo sam u to sumnjala;

the patterns are too strong.

obrasci ponašanja su prejaki.

There's got to be some Darwinian explanation --

Mora postojati neko darvinsko objašnjenje.

Not that many people are crazy.

Nije baš toliko ljudi ludo.

And I stumbled, then, on a statistic that really came home to me.

Naišla sam na statistički podatak koji mi je sve razjasnio.

It was a very interesting academic article

Bio je to zanimljiv akademski članak

in which I found that 67 percent of singles in America today

u kojem sam saznala da 67% samaca u Americi

who are living long-term with somebody,

koji dugoročno žive s nekim

have not yet married because they are terrified of divorce.

nisu se još vjenčali jer strahuju od razvoda.

They're terrified of the social,

Strahuju od društvenih,

legal, emotional,

pravnih, emocionalnih

economic consequences of divorce.

i ekonomskih posljedica razvoda.

So I came to realize that I don't think this is recklessness;

Shvatila sam da to nije nemar -

I think it's caution.

mislim da je to oprez.

Today's singles want to know every single thing about a partner

Današnji samci žele znati baš sve o svome partneru

before they wed.

prije nego što se vjenčaju.

You learn a lot between the sheets,

Puno se toga nauči ispod plahti,

not only about how somebody makes love,

ne samo o tome kako netko vodi ljubav

but whether they're kind,

već i o tome jesu li srdačni,

whether they can listen

znaju li slušati,

and at my age,

a u mojim godinama,

whether they've got a sense of humor.

imaju li dobar smisao za humor.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And in an age where we have too many choices,

U današnje doba kada imamo previše izbora,

we have very little fear of pregnancy and disease

premalo se bojimo trudnoće i bolesti

and we've got no feeling of shame for sex before marriage,

i ne sramimo se seksa prije braka,

I think people are taking their time to love.

ljudima se ne žuri voljeti.

And actually, what's happening is,

I događa se to

what we're seeing is a real expansion of the precommitment stage

da se produžuje faza koja prethodi obvezivanju

before you tie the knot.

na brak.

Where marriage used to be the beginning of a relationship,

Nekoć je brak bio početak veze,

now it's the finale.

a sada je njezin vrhunac.

But the human brain --

Ali ljudski mozak --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

The human brain always triumphs,

ljudski mozak uvijek pobjeđuje

and indeed, in the United States today,

i u SAD-u

86 percent of Americans will marry by age 49.

86% Amerikanaca oženit će se do 49. godine.

And even in cultures around the world where they're not marrying as often,

Čak i u kulturama diljem svijeta gdje ženidba nije tako česta

they are settling down eventually with a long-term partner.

stanovnici se na kraju skrase s dugoročnim partnerom.

So it began to occur to me:

Počela sam razmišljati:

during this long extension of the precommitment stage,

ako se tijekom ovog dugog razdoblja koje prethodi obvezivanju,

if you can get rid of bad relationships before you marry,

možete riješiti loše veze prije nego što se vjenčate,

maybe we're going to see more happy marriages.

možda ćemo sada imati više sretnih brakova.

So I did a study of 1,100 married people in America --

Provela sam istraživanje na 1 100 američkih bračnih parova --

not on Match.com, of course --

naravno, ne na stranici Match.com --

and I asked them a lot of questions.

i postavila sam im puno pitanja.

But one of the questions was,

Jedno od pitanja glasilo je:

"Would you re-marry the person you're currently married to?"

biste li se ponovo vjenčali za osobu s kojom ste trenutno u braku?

And 81 percent said, "Yes."

Odgovor je bio u 81% slučajeva bio da.

In fact, the greatest change in modern romance and family life

Najveća promjena u modernoj romantici i obiteljskom životu

is not technology.

nije tehnologija,

It's not even slow love.

a nije čak ni usporena ljubav,

It's actually women piling into the job market

već navala žena na burzu rada

in cultures around the world.

u kulturama diljem svijeta.

For millions of years,

Milijunima godina

our ancestors lived in little hunting and gathering groups.

naši su predci živjeli u lovačko-sakupljačkim društvima.

Women commuted to work to gather their fruits and vegetables.

Žene su putovale na posao kako bi skupljale voće i povrće.

They came home with 60 to 80 percent of the evening meal.

Vraćale su se kući sa 60% - 80% večere.

The double-income family was the rule.

Obitelj dvostrukog dohotka bila je pravilo,

And women were regarded as just as economically, socially

a žene su smatrane jednako ekonomski, društveno

and sexually powerful as men.

i seksualno moćne kao i muškarci.

Then the environment changed some 10,000 years ago,

Okolina se nekako promijenio prije 10 000 godina.

we began to settle down on the farm

Počeli smo se nastanjivati na farmama

and both men and women became obliged, really,

i žene i muškarci nekako su postali prisiljeni

to marry the right person,

vjenčati se za pravu osobu

from the right background,

pravog porijekla,

from the right religion

pripadnika prave religije,

and from the right kin and social and political connections.

iz prave obitelji, društvenih i političkih veza.

Men's jobs became more important:

Muški poslovi postadoše važniji:

they had to move the rocks, fell the trees, plow the land.

morali su micati kamenje, rušiti drva, obrađivati zemlju.

They brought the produce to local markets, and came home

Opskrbljivali su lokalne trgovine proizvodima i kući donosili

with the equivalent of money.

njihovu protuvrijednost.

Along with this,

Uz to

we see a rise of a host of beliefs:

uvriježila su se određena uvjerenja:

the belief of virginity at marriage,

djevičanstvo prije braka,

arranged marriages -- strictly arranged marriages --

ugovoreni brakovi - strogo ugovoreni brakovi -

the belief that the man is the head of the household,

uvjerenje da je muškarac glava kuće,

that the wife's place is in the home

a da je ženi mjesto u njoj

and most important,

i što je najvažnije -

honor thy husband, and 'til death do us part.

poštuj muža svoga i dok nas smrt ne rastavi.

These are gone.

Toga više nema.

They are going, and in many places,

Ova uvjerenja nestaju, a posvuda su

they are gone.

već i nestala.

We are right now in a marriage revolution.

Trenutno se nalazimo u bračnoj revoluciji.

We are shedding 10,000 years of our farming tradition

Odbacujemo poljoprivrednu tradiciju staru deset tisuća godina,

and moving forward towards egalitarian relationships between the sexes --

a prihvaćamo egalitaran odnos među spolovima -

something I regard as highly compatible with the ancient human spirit.

nešto što je sukladno pradavnom ljudskom duhu.

I'm not a Pollyanna;

Nisam blesava;

there's a great deal to cry about.

treba žaliti za odbačenim.

I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,

Proučavala sam razvod u 80 kultura,

I've studied, as I say, adultery in many --

i prevaru u mnogima

there's a whole pile of problems.

i ima tu puno problema.

As William Butler Yeats, the poet, once said,

Kao što je William Butler Yeats rekao:

"Love is the crooked thing."

"Ljubav je nepredvidljiva."

I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."

Dodala bih: "I svi od nje pogibamo."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We all have problems.

Svi imamo problema,

But in fact, I think the poet Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.

ali mislim da je pjesnik Randall Jarrell to najbolje objasnio:

He said, "The dark, uneasy world of family life --

"Mračan, mučan svijet obiteljskog života -

where the greatest can fail, and the humblest succeed."

tu i najbolji padaju, a i najponizniji se uzdižu."

But I will leave you with this:

Zapamtite ovo:

love and attachment will prevail,

ljubav i privrženost ostaju,

technology cannot change it.

tehnologija to ne može promijeniti.

And I will conclude by saying

Zaključit ću riječima:

any understanding of human relationships must take into account

svaki pokušaj razumijevanja ljudskih odnosa mora uzeti u obzir

one the most powerful determinants of human behavior:

jedno od najmoćnijih odrednica ljudskog ponašanja:

the unquenchable,

neutaživ,

adaptable

prilagodljiv,

and primordial human drive to love.

iskonski ljudski nagon za ljubav.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you so much for that, Helen.

Kelly Stoetzel: Hvala ti, Helen!

As you know, there's another speaker here with us

Kao što znaš, imamo još jednog govornika

that works in your same field.

koji se bavi tvojim područjem.

She comes at it from a different perspective.

Ona tome prilazi iz druge perspektive.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who works with couples.

Esther Perel psihoterapeutkinja je za parove.

You study data,

Ti proučavaš podatke,

Esther studies the stories the couples tell her

a ona priče koje joj parovi ispričaju

when they come to her for help.

kada joj dođu u potrazi za pomoći.

Let's have her join us on the stage.

Pridruži nam se na pozornici,

Esther?

Esther.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

So Esther,

Esther,

when you were watching Helen's talk,

slušajući Helenin govor,

was there any part of it

je li ti se neki dio

that resonated with you through the lens of your own work

učinio već viđenim u tvom radu,

that you'd like to comment on?

a koji bi željela prokomentirati?

Esther Perel: It's interesting, because on the one hand,

Esther Perel: zanimljivo je jer je u jednu ruku

the need for love is ubiquitous and universal.

potreba za ljubavi sveprisutna i univerzalna,

But the way we love --

ali način na koji volimo --

the meaning we make out of it --

značenje koje mu pridajemo --

the rules that govern our relationships, I think,

pravila koja vode naše odnose

are changing fundamentally.

značajno se mijenjaju.

We come from a model that, until now,

Do sada smo radili prema modelu

was primarily regulated around duty and obligation,

koji je reguliran dužnostima i obvezama,

the needs of the collective and loyalty.

potrebama kolektiva i odanosti,

And we have shifted it

a sada prelazimo

to a model of free choice and individual rights,

na model slobodnog izbora i osobnih prava,

and self-fulfillment and happiness.

samoostvarenja i sreće.

And so, that was the first thing I thought,

To sam prvo pomislila -

that the need doesn't change,

ta se potreba ne treba mijenjati,

but the context and the way we regulate these relationships

ali kontekst i način na koji reguliramo te odnose

changes a lot.

uvelike se mijenjaju.

On the paradox of choice --

Što se tiče paradoksa izbora,

you know, on the one hand we relish the novelty

čini mi se kao da uživamo u neobičnosti

and the playfulness, I think,

i zaigranosti

to be able to have so many options.

koju veća mogućnost izbora donosi,

And at the same time,

a istovremeno,

as you talk about this cognitive overload,

kako ste govorili o kognitivnom preopterećenju,

I see many, many people who ...

primjećujem mnogo ljudi

who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt

koji se užasavaju nesigurnosti i sumnji u sebe same

that comes with this massa of choice,

koja nastaje uslijed ovolike količine izbora.

creating a case of "FOMO"

Time nastaje SOPP

and then leading us --

koji nas vodi -

FOMO, fear of missed opportunity, or fear of missing out --

SOPP, strah od propuštenih prilika, odnosno strah od propuštanja -

it's like, "How do I know I have found 'the one' --

i tjera nas da se zapitamo kako znamo da smo našli pravoga -

the right one?"

onog pravog.

So we've created what I call this thing of "stable ambiguity."

Stvorili smo nešto što ja nazivam stabilnom nejasnoćom.

Stable ambiguity is when you are too afraid to be alone

Stabilna nejasnoća nastaje kad se previše bojimo biti sami,

but also not really willing to engage in intimacy-building.

ali ne želimo stvarati intimnost.

It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong the uncertainty of a relationship

To je niz taktika koje produžuju nesigurnost odnosa,

but also the uncertainty of the breakup.

ali i nesigurnost prekida.

So, here on the internet you have three major ones.

Na internetu razlikujemo tri takve taktike.

One is icing and simmering,

Prva: zahlađenje i zakuhavanje.

which are great stalling tactics

To su sjajne taktike ako si želite kupiti vremena,

that offer a kind of holding pattern

a pružaju pasivnost

that emphasizes the undefined nature of a relationship

koja naglašava nedefiniranu narav odnosa,

but at the same time gives you enough of a comforting consistency

ali istovremeno vam daje dovoljno utješne dosljednosti

and enough freedom of the undefined boundaries.

i dovoljno slobode neodređenih granica.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Yeah?

Da?

And then comes ghosting.

Druga: iščezavanje.

And ghosting is, basically,

Iščezavanje je

you disappear from this massa of texts on the spot,

kada nestanete s platforme za dopisivanje

and you don't have to deal with the pain that you inflict on another,

i tada se ne morate nositi s boli koju nanosite drugima

because you're making it invisible even to yourself.

jer je nevidljiva i vama.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Yeah?

Da?

So I was thinking -- these words came up for me as I was listening to you,

Razmišljala sam - ove su mi riječi same došle dok sam vas slušala,

like how a vocabulary also creates a reality,

kako rječnik također stvara stvarnost,

and at the same time,

a to je istovremeno

that's my question to you:

moje pitanje za vas:

Do you think when the context changes,

Kada se promijeni kontekst, mislite li

it still means that the nature of love remains the same?

da narav ljubavi ostaje ista?

You study the brain and I study people's relationships and stories,

Vi proučavate mozak, a ja ljudske odnose i priče,

so I think it's everything you say, plus.

pa mislim da vrijedi sve ono što ste rekli i još ponešto.

But I don't always know the degree to which a changing context ...

Ne znam uvijek do koje razine promjena konteksta...

Does it at some point begin to change --

Počinje li se mijenjati u određenom trenutku --

If the meaning changes, does it change the need,

ako se značenje promijeni, mijenja li se i potreba,

or is the need clear of the entire context?

ili je potreba neovisna o kontekstu?

HF: Wow! Well --

HF: Opa! Pa --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Well, I've got three points here, right?

Imam tri stvari za reći, zar ne?

First of all, to your first one:

Prvo, kao odgovor na vaš prvi argument:

there's no question that we've changed, that we now want a person to love,

nesumnjivo smo se promijenili, sada želimo osobu koju ćemo voljeti,

and for thousands of years, we had to marry the right person

a tisućama godina, morali smo se vjenčati za pravu osobu

from the right background and right kin connection.

pravog porijekla i s pravim vezama.

And in fact, in my studies of 5,000 people every year,

U biti, u mojim istraživanjima od 5 000 ljudi godišnje

I ask them, "What are you looking for?"

pitam ih što traže.

And every single year, over 97 percent say --

Svake godine, preko 97 % ispitanika odgovara:

EP: The list grows --

EP: Popis traženog raste.

HF: Well, no.

HF: Pa ne baš.

The basic thing is over 97 percent of people

Preko 97% ljudi

want somebody that respects them,

želi nekoga tko ih poštuje,

somebody they can trust and confide in,

nekoga kome mogu vjerovati i povjeriti se,

somebody who makes them laugh,

nekoga tko ih nasmijava,

somebody who makes enough time for them

nekoga tko će izdvojiti vrijeme za njih

and somebody who they find physically attractive.

i nekoga tko im je fizički privlačan.

That never changes.

To je konstanta.

And there's certainly -- you know, there's two parts --

A svakako postoje dva dijela --

EP: But you know how I call that?

EP: Znate li kako ja to nazivam?

That's not what people used to say --

To ljudi nisu prije govorili --

HF: That's exactly right.

HF: Upravo tako.

EP: They said they wanted somebody with whom they have companionship,

EP: Govorili su da žele nekoga za društvo,

economic support, children.

ekonomsku podršku, djecu.

We went from a production economy to a service economy.

Prešli smo iz proizvodne u uslužnu ekonomiju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We did it in the larger culture, and we're doing it in marriage.

Uvelike smo to učinili u kulturi, a sada to činimo i u braku.

HF: Right, no question about it.

HF: Točno, to uopće nije upitno.

But it's interesting, the millennials actually want to be very good parents,

Milenijalci zaista žele biti dobri roditelji,

whereas the generation above them wants to have a very fine marriage

dok starije generacije žele lijep brak,

but is not as focused on being a good parent.

ali nisu toliko željni biti dobri roditelji.

You see all of these nuances.

Sve su te finese vidljive.

There's two basic parts of personality:

Osobnost se sastoji od dva osnovna dijela:

there's your culture -- everything you grew up to do and believe and say --

kulturu -- sve što su vas odgajali da činite, vjerujete i govorite --

and there's your temperament.

i temperament.

Basically, what I've been talking about is your temperament.

Ja sam ovdje govorila o temperamentu,

And that temperament is certainly going to change with changing times

a on će se mijenjati kako se mijenjaju i vremena

and changing beliefs.

i uvjerenja.

And in terms of the paradox of choice,

Po pitanju paradoksa izbora,

there's no question about it that this is a pickle.

uopće nije upitno da je to nezgodno.

There were millions of years where you found that sweet boy

Milijunima godina gledali smo zgodne dečke

at the other side of the water hole,

s druge strane bare

and you went for it.

i prepustili se.

EP: Yes, but you --

EP: Da, ali --

HF: I do want to say one more thing.

HF: Želim reći još nešto.

The bottom line is, in hunting and gathering societies,

U konačnici društva lovaca sakupljača

they tended to have two or three partners during the course of their lives.

za života su imala po dva-tri partnera.

They weren't square!

Nije im bilo dosadno!

And I'm not suggesting that we do,

Ne kažem da i mi tako živimo,

but the bottom line is, we've always had alternatives.

ali uvijek smo imali alternative.

Mankind is always --

Čovječanstvo je oduvijek --

in fact, the brain is well-built to what we call "equilibrate,"

zapravo, mozak je "uravnoteženo" građen

to try and decide:

i odlučuje na temelju pokušaja:

Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?

Hoću li doći i ostati? Hoću li otići ili ostati?

What are the opportunities here?

Kakve mi ovo prilike pruža?

How do I handle this there?

Kako da se nosim s ovime?

And so I think we're seeing another play-out of that now.

Upravo gledamo drugu verziju toga.

KS: Well, thank you both so much.

KS: Hvala vam objema.

I think you're going to have a million dinner partners for tonight!

Mislim da ćete večeras imati milijun partnera za večeru.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Thank you, thank you.

Hvala vam, hvala vam.