Debra Jarvis: Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me

Prevodilac: Bojana Rajić Lektor: Mile Živković

I just met you on a bus,

Upravo smo se sreli u autobusu,

and we would really like to get to know each other,

i zaista bismo voleli da se međusobno upoznamo,

but I've got to get off at the next stop,

ali moram da izađem na sledećoj stanici,

so you're going to tell me three things about yourself

pa ćeš mi reći tri stvari o sebi

that just define you as a person,

koje te definišu kao osobu,

three things about yourself

tri stvari o sebi

that will help me understand who you are,

koje će mi pomoći da razumem ko si ti,

three things that just get to your very essence.

tri stvari koje prikazuju tvoju suštinu.

And what I'm wondering

I ono što se pitam je,

is, of those three things,

od te tri stvari,

is any one of them

da li je ijedna

surviving some kind of trauma?

preživljavanje neke traume?

Cancer survivor, rape survivor,

Preživeli ste rak, silovanje,

Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.

preživeli ste holokaust, incest.

Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves

Da li ste ikada primetili kako težimo da se identifikujemo

by our wounds?

sa našim ranama?

And where I have seen this survivor identity

Videla sam da ovaj identitet preživelog

have the most consequences

ima najviše posledica

is in the cancer community.

u zajednici ljudi obolelih od raka.

And I've been around this community for a long time,

Bila sam u blizini ove zajednice jako dugo

because I've been a hospice and a hospital chaplain

jer sam bila kapelanica u domu i bolnici

for almost 30 years.

skoro trideset godina.

And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center

I 2005. radila sam u velikom institutu za rak

when I received the news that

kada sam primila vest

my mother had breast cancer.

da moja majka ima rak dojke.

And then five days later,

I pet dana kasnije

I received the news that I had breast cancer.

saznala sam da i ja imam rak dojke.

My mother and I can be competitive —

Moja majka i ja znamo da budemo konkurenti -

(Laughter) —

(Smeh) -

but I was really not trying to compete with her on this one.

ali zaista nisam pokušavala da se u ovome takmičim sa njom.

And in fact, I thought, well,

U stvari, pomislila sam, dobro,

if you have to have cancer,

ako već moraš da imaš rak,

it's pretty convenient to be working

prilično je prikladno što radiš

at a place that treats it.

u mestu koje ga leči.

But this is what I heard from a lot of outraged people.

Ali ovo je ono što sam čula od mnogo pobesnelih ljudi.

What?

Šta?

You're the chaplain.

Ti si kapelanica.

You should be immune.

Trebalo bi da si imuna.

Like, maybe I should have just gotten off

Kao, trebalo bi da se izvučeš

with a warning instead of an actual ticket,

sa opomenom umesto stvarnom kaznom,

because I'm on the force.

zato što radim u policiji.

So I did get my treatment at the cancer center where I worked,

I jesam dobila lečenje u centru u kome sam radila,

which was amazingly convenient,

što je bilo neverovatno zgodno,

and I had chemotherapy

i imala sam hemoterapiju

and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,

i mastektomiju, i ugrađivanje silikona,

and so before I say another word, let me just say right now,

i pre nego kažem nešto drugo, reći ću odmah,

this is the fake one. (Laughter)

ova je lažna. (Smeh)

I have found that I need to get that out of the way,

Shvatila sam da moram odmah to da obavim,

because I'll see somebody go

jer bih videla nekoga da govori:

"Oh, I know it's this one."

"Oh, znam, to je ova."

And then I'll move or I'll gesture and they'll go,

I onda ću se pomeriti ili odmahnuti rukom i oni će:

"No, it's that one."

"Ne, to je ova".

So now you know.

I sada znate.

I learned a lot being a patient,

Naučila sam mnogo kao pacijent,

and one of the surprising things was

i jedno od iznenđenja bilo je

that only a small part of the cancer experience

da je samo mali deo iskustva sa rakom

is about medicine.

zaista povezan sa medicinom.

Most of it is about feelings and faith

Većina je u vezi sa osećanjima i verom,

and losing and finding your identity

gubljenjem i pronalaženjem identiteta

and discovering strength

i otkrivanjem snaga

and flexibility you never even knew you had.

i prilagodljivosti kojih niste ni bili svesni.

It's about realizing that

U vezi je sa shvatanjem

the most important things in life are

da najvažnije stvari u životu

not things at all, but relationships,

nisu uopšte stvari, već veze,

and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty

i radi se o smejanju u lice neizvesnosti

and learning that the way to get out of almost anything

i učenju da je najlakši način da se izvučete iz bilo čega

is to say, "I have cancer."

da kažete: "Imam rak."

So the other thing I learned was that

Druga stvar koju sam naučila bila je

I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"

da ne moram da preuzmem "preživela od raka"

as my identity,

kao svoj identitet,

but, boy, are there powerful forces

ali čoveče, zar me te moćne sile

pushing me to do just that.

ne guraju da uradim upravo to.

Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.

Nemojte me, molim vas, pogrešno razumeti.

Cancer organizations

Društva za borbu protiv raka

and the drive for early screening

su pokretačka snaga ranog otkrivanja

and cancer awareness and cancer research

i svesti o raku, i istraživanja o raku

have normalized cancer,

su normalizovala rak,

and this is a wonderful thing.

i ovo je divna stvar.

We can now talk about cancer

Možemo sada da pričamo o raku

without whispering.

bez šaputanja.

We can talk about cancer and we can support one another.

Možemo razgovarati o raku i podržati jedni druge.

But sometimes, it feels

Ali ponekad se čini

like people go a little overboard

da ljudi malo preteraju

and they start telling us how we're going to feel.

i počnu da nam govore kako treba da se osećamo.

So about a week after my surgery,

Tako smo nedelju dana posle moje operacije

we had a houseguest.

imali gosta u kući.

That was probably our first mistake.

To nam je verovatno bila prva greška.

And keep in mind that

Imajte na umu da

at this point in my life

u ovom trenutku svog života

I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,

bila sam kapelanica preko 20 godina,

and issues like dying and death

i o temama poput umiranja i smrti

and the meaning of life,

i svrsi života,

these are all things I'd been yakking about forever.

o svemu tome sam oduvek pričala.

So at dinner that night,

Tako, na večeri te noći,

our houseguest proceeds to stretch his arms up over his head,

naš gost nastavlja da isteže ruke iznad glave

and say, "You know, Deb,

i govori: "Znaš, Deb,

now you're really going to learn what's important.

sada ćeš stvarno naučiti šta je važno.

Yes, you are going to make some big changes

Da, napravićeš neke velike promene

in your life,

u svom životu,

and now you're going to start thinking about your death.

i sada ćeš početi da razmišljaš o svojoj smrti.

Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."

Da, ovaj rak je tvoj poziv na buđenje."

Now, these are golden words

Ovo su zlatne reči

coming from someone who is speaking about

kada dolaze od nekoga ko govori

their own experience,

o sopstvenom iskustvu,

but when someone is telling you

ali kada vam neko govori

how you are going to feel,

kako ćete se osećati,

it's instant crap.

to je trenutak gluposti.

The only reason I did not kill him

Jedini razlog zbog kog ga nisam ubila

with my bare hands

svojim golim rukama

was because I could not lift my right arm.

bio je zato što nisam mogla da podignem desnu ruku.

But I did say a really bad word to him,

Ali sam mu rekla jako ružnu reč,

followed by a regular word, that —

praćenu redovnom rečju -

(Laughter) —

(Smeh) -

made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."

pa je moj muž morao da kaže: "Koristi narkotike."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then after my treatment, it just felt like

I posle mog lečenja, prosto se činilo

everyone was telling me what my experience was going to mean.

da mi svi govore šta moje iskustvo treba da znači.

"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."

"Oh, ovo znači da ćeš ići da šetaš."

"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."

"Ovo znači da dolaziš na ručak."

"This means you're going to be wearing

"Ovo znači da ćeš nositi

the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt

ružičastu traku i ružičastu majicu

and the headband and the earrings

i traku za kosu i minđuše

and the bracelet and the panties."

i narukvicu i gaćice."

Panties. No, seriously, google it.

Gaćice. Ne, ozbiljno, izguglajte.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

How is that raising awareness?

Kako to podiže svest?

Only my husband should be seeing my panties.

Samo moj muž treba da vidi moje gaćice.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

He's pretty aware of cancer already.

On je već poprilično svestan raka.

It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,

Tog trenutka osećala sam se kao, moj bože,

this is just taking over my life.

ovo preuzima moj život.

And that's when I told myself, claim your experience.

I tada sam rekla sebi, iskoristi svoje iskustvo.

Don't let it claim you.

Ne daj da ono iskoristi tebe.

We all know that

Svi znamo da je način

the way to cope with trauma, with loss,

da se izborimo sa traumom, sa gubitkom,

with any life-changing experience,

sa bilo kojim iskustvom koje menja život,

is to find meaning.

da pronađemo svrhu.

But here's the thing:

Ali ovako stoje stvari:

No one can tell us

niko nam ne može reći

what our experience means.

šta naše iskustvo znači.

We have to decide what it means.

Mi treba da odlučimo šta ono znači.

And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,

I ne mora biti neka gigantska

extroverted meaning.

otvorena svrha.

We don't all have to start a foundation

Ne moramo svi da začnemo temelje fondacije

or an organization or write a book

ili organizacije ili napišemo knjigu,

or make a documentary.

ili napravimo dokumentarac.

Meaning can be quiet

Svrha može biti tiha

and introverted.

i zatvorena.

Maybe we make one small decision about our lives

Možda možemo da donesemo malu odluku o svojim životima

that can bring about big change.

koja može dovesti do velike promene.

Many years ago, I had a patient,

Pre mnogo godina, imala sam pacijenta,

just a wonderful young man

predivnog mladog čoveka

who was loved by the staff,

kog je osoblje volelo,

and so it was something of a shock to us to realize

pa je za nas u neku ruku bio šok kada smo shvatili

that he had no friends.

da on nema prijatelje.

He lived by himself,

Živeo je sam,

he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,

dolazio bi sam na hemoterapiju,

he would receive his treatment,

primio terapiju,

and then he'd walk home alone.

i sam odšetao kući.

And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,

I čak sam ga i pitala. Rekla sam:

how come you never bring a friend with you?"

"Kako to da nikada ne povedeš prijatelja?"

And he said, "I don't really have any friends."

I rekao je: "Zapravo i nemam prijatelje."

But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.

Ali imao ih je gomilu na odeljenju za infuziju.

We all loved him, and people were going in and out of his room all the time.

Svi smo ga voleli, i ljudi su ulazili i izlazili iz njegove sobe sve vreme.

So at his last chemo,

I tako smo mu na poslednjoj hemoterapiji

we sang him the song

pevali pesmu,

and we put the crown on his head and we blew the bubbles,

stavili krunu na glavu i duvali balone,

and then I asked him, I said,

i onda sam ga pitala, rekla sam:

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Šta ćeš sada da radiš?"

And he answered,

I odgovorio je:

"Make friends."

"Da nađem prijatelje."

And he did.

I jeste.

He started volunteering and he made friends there,

Počeo je da volontira i tamo stekao prijatelje,

and he began going to a church and he made friends there,

i počeo je da odlazi u crkvu i tamo stekao prijatelje,

and at Christmas he invited my husband and me to a party in his apartment,

i za Božić je pozvao mog muža i mene na žurku u njegovom stanu,

and the place was filled with his friends.

i mesto je bilo ispunjeno njegovim prijateljima.

Claim your experience.

Iskoristi svoje iskustvo.

Don't let it claim you.

Ne dozvoli da ono iskoristi tebe.

He decided that the meaning of his experience

Odlučio je da je smisao njegovog iskustva

was to know the joy of friendship,

da upozna radost prijateljstva,

and then learn to make friends.

i onda nauči da stekne prijatelje.

So what about you?

A šta je sa tobom?

How are you going to find meaning

Kako ćeš ti naći smisao

in your crappy experience?

u svom odvratnom iskustvu?

It could be a recent one,

Može biti nedavno,

or it could be one that you've been carrying around

ili ono koje nosiš sa sobom

for a really long time.

već jako dugo vremena.

It's never too late to change what it means,

Nikada nije kasno da se promeni njegovo značenje,

because meaning is dynamic.

jer je značenje dinamično.

What it means today

Ono što znači danas

may not be what it means a year from now,

možda neće biti isto za godinu dana,

or 10 years from now.

ili za 10 godina.

It's never too late to become someone other

Nikada nije kasno da postanete nešto

than simply a survivor.

više od običnog preživelog.

Hear how static that word sounds?

Čujete li kako statično zvuči ta reč?

Survivor.

Preživeli.

No movement, no growth.

Nema pokreta, nema rasta.

Claim your experience.

Iskoristi svoje iskustvo.

Don't let it claim you, because if you do,

Ne dozvoli da ono iskoristi tebe, jer ako dozvoliš,

I believe you will become trapped,

verujem da ćeš zaglaviti,

you will not grow, you will not evolve.

nećeš rasti, nećeš se razviti.

But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures

Naravno, nekada nisu spoljašnji pritisci

that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.

ti koji utiču da preuzmemo identitet onoga koji je preživeo.

Sometimes we just like the perks.

Nekada nam se samo sviđaju povlastice.

Sometimes there's a payoff.

Ponekad postoji isplata.

But then we get stuck.

Ali onda se zaglavimo.

Now, one of the first things I learned

Jedna od prvih stvari koje sam naučila

as a chaplain intern was the three C's

kao kapelanica stažista bila su tri pravila

of the chaplain's job:

kapelanskog posla:

Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront

uteši, razjasni i, kada je potrebno, suoči se

or challenge.

ili izazovi.

Now, we all pretty much love the comforting

Svi uglavnom volimo utehu

and the clarifying.

i razjašnjavanje.

The confronting, not so much.

Suočavanje, ne baš.

One of the other things that I loved

Jedna od stvari koje sam volela

about being a chaplain was

u vezi sa poslom kapelanice

seeing patients a year, or even several years

bilo je viđanje pacijenata godinu, ili nekoliko godina

after their treatment, because

posle njihovog lečenja,

it was just really cool to see how they had changed

zato što je bilo zaista kul videti kako su se promenili

and how their lives had evolved

i kako su se njihovi životi razvili

and what had happened to them.

i šta im se dogodilo.

So I was thrilled one day

Bila sam oduševljena jednog dana

to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic

da vidim novu stranu priče u holu klinike

from a patient who I had seen the year before,

pacijentkinje koju sam videla godinu dana pre,

and she was there with her two adult daughters,

bila je tu sa svoje dve odrasle ćerke,

who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.

koje sam takođe znala, zbog svog testa praćenja na godinu dana.

So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic

Sišla sam u hol, i bile su veoma ushićene

because she had just gotten all of her test results back

jer je upravo dobila sve rezultate testa

and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.

i bila je NPB: nema pokazatelja bolesti.

Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.

O čemu sam pre mislila kao: Nije Potpuno Beživotan.

So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,

Bile su ushićene, sele smo u posetu,

and it was so weird, because

i bilo je veoma čudno jer

within two minutes, she started retelling me the story

je u roku od dva minuta počela da mi prepričava priču

of her diagnosis and her surgery and her chemo,

o svojoj dijagnozi, i operaciji, i hemoterapiji,

even though, as her chaplain, I saw her every week,

iako sam je, kao njena kapelanica, viđala svake nedelje,

and so I knew this story.

te sam znala njenu priču.

And she was using words like suffering,

I koristila je reči poput patnja,

agony, struggle.

mučenje, borba.

And she ended her story with,

Završila je svoju priču sa:

"I felt crucified."

"Osećala sam se razapetom."

And at that point, her two daughters got up and said,

Tada su njene ćerke ustale i rekle:

"We're going to go get coffee."

"Idemo da uzmemo kafu."

And they left.

I otišle su.

Tell me three things about yourself before the next stop.

Recite mi tri stvari o sebi pre sledeće stanice.

People were leaving the bus before she even got

Ljudi su napuštali autobus pre nego što je stigla

to number two or number three.

do broja dva ili broja tri.

So I handed her a tissue,

Pa sam joj dodala maramicu,

and I gave her a hug,

i zagrlila je,

and then, because I really cared for this woman,

i onda, zato što sam brinula za tu ženu,

I said,

rekla sam:

"Get down off your cross."

"Siđi sa svog krsta."

And she said, "What?"

I ona je rekla: "Šta?"

And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."

I ponovila sam: "Siđi sa svog krsta."

And to her credit, she could talk about her reasons

U njenu odbranu, mogla je da govori o svojim razlozima

for embracing and then clinging to this identity.

za prihvatanje i držanje ovog identiteta.

It got her a lot of attention.

Doneo joj je mnogo pažnje.

People were taking care of her for a change.

Ljudi su, za promenu, brinuli o njoj.

But now, it was having the opposite effect.

Ali sada, to je imalo suprotan efekat.

It was pushing people away.

Odbijalo je ljude.

People kept leaving to get coffee.

Ljudi su počeli da odlaze radi kafe.

She felt crucified by her experience,

Osećala se razapetom svojim iskustvom,

but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.

ali nije htela da dozvoli da taj razapeti deo nje umre.

Now, perhaps you are thinking

Sada, možda mislite

I was a little harsh with her,

da sam bila prestroga prema njoj,

so I must tell you that

pa vam moram reći

I was speaking out of my own experience.

da sam govorila iz sopstvenog iskustva.

Many, many years before,

Mnogo, mnogo godina ranije,

I had been fired from a job that I loved,

bila sam otpuštena sa posla koji sam volela,

and I would not stop talking about my innocence

i nisam prestajala da govorim o svojoj nevinosti,

and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,

nepravdi, izdaji i obmani,

until finally, just like this woman,

dok konačno, kao kod ove žene,

people were walking away from me,

ljudi nisu počeli da odlaze od mene,

until I finally realized

dok nisam shvatila

I wasn't just processing my feelings,

da nisam samo obrađivala svoja osećanja,

I was feeding them.

hranila sam ih.

I didn't want to let that crucified self die.

Nisam htela da razapeto ja umre.

But we all know that with any resurrection story,

Ali svi znamo da pre svake priče uskrsnuća,

you have to die first.

moramo prvo da umremo.

The Christian story,

Hrišćanska priča,

Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb

Isus je bio mrtav celog dana u grobnici,

pre nego što je uskrsnuo.

before he was resurrected.

And I believe that for us,

I verujem da za nas,

being in the tomb

biti u grobnici

means doing our own deep inner work

znači raditi sopstvenu duboku unutrašnju negu

around our wounds

oko naših rana

and allowing ourselves to be healed.

i dozvoljavanje da budemo izlečeni.

We have to let that crucified self die

Moramo da dozvolimo da razapeti ja umre

so that a new self, a truer self,

kako bi novo ja, iliti pravo ja,

is born.

bilo rođeno.

We have to let that old story go

Moramo da pustimo da stara priča ode,

so that a new story, a truer story,

kako bi nova priča, stvarnija priča,

can be told.

mogla biti ispričana.

Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.

Iskoristi svoje iskustvo. Ne dozvoli da ono iskoristi tebe.

What if there were no survivors,

Šta bi bilo da nema onih koji preživljavaju,

meaning, what if people decided

znači, šta kada bi ljudi odlučili

to just claim their trauma as an experience

da samo iskoriste svoju traumu kao iskustvo

instead of taking it on as an identity?

umesto da je prigrlimo kao identitet?

Maybe it would be the end of being

Možda bi to bio kraj

trapped in our wounds

zarobljeništva u našim ranama

and the beginning of amazing

i početak zapanjujućeg

self-exploration and discovery and growth.

istraživanja sebe, otkrivanja i rasta.

Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves

Možda bi to bio početak definisanja sebe

by who we have become

po tome ko smo postali

and who we are becoming.

i šta postajemo.

So perhaps survivor was not

Onda možda "preživeli" ne bi bila

one of the three things that you would tell me.

jedna od tri stvari koje biste mi rekli.

No matter.

Bez obzira.

I just want you all to know that

Samo želim da znate

I am really glad that we are on this bus together,

da mi je veoma drago što smo zajedno u ovom autobusu,

and this is my stop.

i da je ovo moja stanica.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)