Debra Jarvis: Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me

翻译人员: chunhua zhang 校对人员: Rufus Luo

I just met you on a bus,

我刚在公交车上见过你，

and we would really like to get to know each other,

并且我们真的很想了解对方，

but I've got to get off at the next stop,

但是我得在下一站下车，

so you're going to tell me three things about yourself

所以你打算告诉我三件

that just define you as a person,

可以定义你这个人的事情，

three things about yourself

三件会帮助我

that will help me understand who you are,

理解你是谁的事情，

three things that just get to your very essence.

三件可以显现出你的本质的事情。

And what I'm wondering

我很好奇的是，

is, of those three things,

在这三件事中，

is any one of them

是否有一件是

surviving some kind of trauma?

从某种创伤中幸存下来。

Cancer survivor, rape survivor,

癌症幸存者、强奸幸存者、

Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.

大屠杀幸存者、乱伦幸存者。

Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves

有没有注意到我们是如何

by our wounds?

通过受过的创伤来认同我们自己的？

And where I have seen this survivor identity

我见过的受这种幸存者身份认同

have the most consequences

影响最深的

is in the cancer community.

是癌症患者群体。

And I've been around this community for a long time,

我已经处在这个群体中很久了，

because I've been a hospice and a hospital chaplain

因为我已经在一家临终关怀所和医院

for almost 30 years.

做了近30年的牧师。

And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center

2005年，当我得到

when I received the news that

我母亲得了乳腺癌的消息时

my mother had breast cancer.

我正在一家大的癌症中心工作。

And then five days later,

然后5天之后，

I received the news that I had breast cancer.

我得到消息我也得了乳腺癌。

My mother and I can be competitive —

我母亲和我可以竞争——

(Laughter) —

（笑声）——

but I was really not trying to compete with her on this one.

但是我真的不想在这件事上跟她竞争。

And in fact, I thought, well,

事实上，我当时想，

if you have to have cancer,

如果你必须得癌症的话，

it's pretty convenient to be working

那么在一个治疗癌症的地方上班

at a place that treats it.

会给你提供很多便利。

But this is what I heard from a lot of outraged people.

但是我听到很多愤怒的人会说，

What?

什么？

You're the chaplain.

你是牧师，

You should be immune.

你应该幸免的。

Like, maybe I should have just gotten off

就像是说，也许我应该只受到

with a warning instead of an actual ticket,

一点警告而不是真正的得病，

because I'm on the force.

因为毕竟我是一个牧师。

So I did get my treatment at the cancer center where I worked,

我在我工作的癌症中心接受了治疗，

which was amazingly convenient,

那真的是非常方便。

and I had chemotherapy

我做了化疗

and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,

以及乳房切除和生理盐水植入手术，

and so before I say another word, let me just say right now,

因此在我说下一句之前，让我告诉你们

this is the fake one. (Laughter)

这就是那个假的乳房。（笑声）

I have found that I need to get that out of the way,

我发现我需要不去在意这件事，

because I'll see somebody go

因为我会看到别人指指点点地说

"Oh, I know it's this one."

：“我知道哪个是假的。”

And then I'll move or I'll gesture and they'll go,

然后我会用手势告诉他们

"No, it's that one."

“不是的，另外一个才是假的。”

So now you know.

所以现在你们都知道了。

I learned a lot being a patient,

在生病期间我学到了很多，

and one of the surprising things was

其中最令人惊讶的一件事是

that only a small part of the cancer experience

医疗只是癌症经历中

is about medicine.

很小的一部分。

Most of it is about feelings and faith

其它大多数的是关于感情和信仰、

and losing and finding your identity

失去和寻找你的身份认同

and discovering strength

以及发现那些你拥有却从来都不知道的

and flexibility you never even knew you had.

力量和柔性。

It's about realizing that

它是关于意识到

the most important things in life are

生命中最重要的事情

not things at all, but relationships,

不是其它的，而是人际关系，

and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty

它是关于笑着面对不确定性

and learning that the way to get out of almost anything

以及学到逃避任何事情的方法

is to say, "I have cancer."

就是说：”我有癌症。“

So the other thing I learned was that

所以我学到的另外一件事就是

I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"

我不需要将“癌症幸存者”

as my identity,

作为我的身份标识，

but, boy, are there powerful forces

但是，男孩，有很强大的力量

pushing me to do just that.

促使我那样做。

Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.

请不要误解我。

Cancer organizations

癌症组织、

and the drive for early screening

对早期筛查的推动

and cancer awareness and cancer research

以及对癌症的认识和研究

have normalized cancer,

已经将癌症规范化了，

and this is a wonderful thing.

这是一件很了不起的事。

We can now talk about cancer

我们现在不再需要

without whispering.

悄悄地谈论癌症。

We can talk about cancer and we can support one another.

我们可以公开地谈论癌症并互相支持。

But sometimes, it feels

但有时，它让人感觉到

like people go a little overboard

有些人有点热心得过头了，

and they start telling us how we're going to feel.

他们开始告诉我们接下来我们将有什么感觉。

So about a week after my surgery,

大约在我做完手术一个星期后，

we had a houseguest.

家里来了一位客人。

That was probably our first mistake.

那可能是我们的第一个错误。

And keep in mind that

请记住

at this point in my life

那时我已经

I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,

做了超过20年的牧师了，

and issues like dying and death

像临终和死亡

and the meaning of life,

以及生命的意义之类的事情，

these are all things I'd been yakking about forever.

是我一直都在唠叨的。

So at dinner that night,

所以在那天的晚餐上，

our houseguest proceeds to stretch his arms up over his head,

我们的客人开始伸展他的双臂，

and say, "You know, Deb,

并且说，“你知道吗，黛布，

now you're really going to learn what's important.

你现在真的要去学习什么是重要的。

Yes, you are going to make some big changes

是的，你要在你的生命中

in your life,

做一些大的改变，

and now you're going to start thinking about your death.

你要开始思考死亡。

Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."

没错，这场癌症是对你的警告。“

Now, these are golden words

这些都是

coming from someone who is speaking about

某个人从他自己的经历出发

their own experience,

所总结的金石良言，

but when someone is telling you

但是当这个人是在告诉你

how you are going to feel,

你接下来将有什么样的感觉时，

it's instant crap.

这些都是即时垃圾。

The only reason I did not kill him

那晚我没用我的赤手空拳

with my bare hands

将他杀掉的唯一理由

was because I could not lift my right arm.

就是我不能举起我的右手。

But I did say a really bad word to him,

但是我真的对他说了一个很不好的字眼，

followed by a regular word, that —

夹杂在正常的句子中，那个词——

(Laughter) —

（笑声）——

made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."

使得我丈夫赶紧打圆场：“她刚用了麻醉药。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then after my treatment, it just felt like

然后治疗过后，感觉好像

everyone was telling me what my experience was going to mean.

每一个人都在跟我说我的经历将对我意味着什么。

"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."

“哦，这意味着你要多散散步。“

"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."

“哦，这意味着你要去吃午餐了。“

"This means you're going to be wearing

“哦，这意味着你要打

the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt

粉红色的丝带和穿粉红色的T恤

and the headband and the earrings

以及粉红色的头巾、耳环、

and the bracelet and the panties."

手镯和内裤。“

Panties. No, seriously, google it.

内裤，不，严肃的说，谷歌一下它。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

How is that raising awareness?

这个怎么可能提高人们对癌症的意识？

Only my husband should be seeing my panties.

只有我丈夫可以看到我的内裤。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

He's pretty aware of cancer already.

他已经对癌症有很清楚的认识了。

It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,

这就是那时我的感受，哦，天啦，

this is just taking over my life.

我的生命就被这些东西接管了。

And that's when I told myself, claim your experience.

那时我告诉自己，定义你的经历。

Don't let it claim you.

不要让它定义你。

We all know that

我们都知道

the way to cope with trauma, with loss,

应付创伤、失败

with any life-changing experience,

或者任何能改变人生的经历的方法

is to find meaning.

就是找到意义。

But here's the thing:

但是事实是这样的：

No one can tell us

没有人能告诉我们

what our experience means.

那些我们经历过的事情意味着什么。

We have to decide what it means.

我们必须确定它的意义。

And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,

并且它不一定非得是什么巨大的、

extroverted meaning.

外向性的意义。

We don't all have to start a foundation

我们也不必都去创建一个基金会

or an organization or write a book

或者什么组织之类的，不必都去写一本书

or make a documentary.

或拍一部纪录片什么的。

Meaning can be quiet

意义可以是安静

and introverted.

和含蓄的。

Maybe we make one small decision about our lives

也许我们做的一个关于我们生活的一个小决定

that can bring about big change.

就可以带来大的改变。

Many years ago, I had a patient,

很多年前，我有一个病人，

just a wonderful young man

一个非常不错的年青人，

who was loved by the staff,

他深受我们员工的喜爱，

and so it was something of a shock to us to realize

因此当得知他没有一个朋友时

that he had no friends.

我很震惊。

He lived by himself,

他一个人住，

he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,

他独自过来化疗，

he would receive his treatment,

接受完治疗

and then he'd walk home alone.

又独自一个走回家。

And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,

我甚至问过他，我说，“嘿，

how come you never bring a friend with you?"

你怎么从来没有带朋友一起来过？“

And he said, "I don't really have any friends."

他说，“我真的没有任何朋友。”

But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.

但是他在输液层却有很多的朋友。

We all loved him, and people were going in and out of his room all the time.

我们都很喜欢他，他的房间一直人来人往。

So at his last chemo,

在他最后一次化疗时，

we sang him the song

我们为他唱歌

and we put the crown on his head and we blew the bubbles,

我们给他带上花环并给他吹泡泡，

and then I asked him, I said,

然后我问他，我说，

"So what are you going to do now?"

“你现在打算怎么做？”

And he answered,

他回答道，

"Make friends."

“交朋友。”

And he did.

并且他那样做了。

He started volunteering and he made friends there,

他开始做义工并且在那里交了一些朋友，

and he began going to a church and he made friends there,

他开始去教堂并且在那里交了一些朋友，

and at Christmas he invited my husband and me to a party in his apartment,

圣诞节时他邀请我和我丈夫去他的公寓参加了一个聚会，

and the place was filled with his friends.

房间里满满的都是他的朋友。

Claim your experience.

定义你的经历。

Don't let it claim you.

不要让它定义你。

He decided that the meaning of his experience

他确定他的癌症经历的意义

was to know the joy of friendship,

就是懂得了友谊的乐趣，

and then learn to make friends.

然后学会了交朋友。

So what about you?

那么你呢？

How are you going to find meaning

你将如何在糟糕的经历中

in your crappy experience?

找到意义？

It could be a recent one,

可能是最近的一次经历，

or it could be one that you've been carrying around

或者是已经伴随了你

for a really long time.

很长时间的一段经历。

It's never too late to change what it means,

对于改变它的意义来说永远不会嫌迟，

because meaning is dynamic.

因为意义是动态的。

What it means today

它今天所代表的意思

may not be what it means a year from now,

可能跟1年后

or 10 years from now.

或者10年后已经不一样了。

It's never too late to become someone other

成为其他类型的人

than simply a survivor.

而不仅仅是幸存者是永远也不嫌迟的。

Hear how static that word sounds?

这个词听起来是多么的静止。

Survivor.

幸存者。

No movement, no growth.

没有运动，也没有成长。

Claim your experience.

定义你的经历。

Don't let it claim you, because if you do,

不要让它定义你，因为如果你被它定义了，

I believe you will become trapped,

我相信你会陷入困境，

you will not grow, you will not evolve.

你不会再成长，也不会再发展。

But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures

当然，有时候并不是外部的压力

that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.

导致我们为自己贴上幸存者的标识。

Sometimes we just like the perks.

而是因为有时我们喜欢这种特权享受。

Sometimes there's a payoff.

有时候会因此得利。

But then we get stuck.

但是之后我们会陷入困境。

Now, one of the first things I learned

在作为一个牧师实习生时

as a chaplain intern was the three C's

我首先学到的就是关于

of the chaplain's job:

牧师工作的3C：

Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront

安慰（Comfort）、解释（clarify）以及必要的时候对抗（ confront）

or challenge.

或者说挑战（ challenge）。

Now, we all pretty much love the comforting

我们都很喜欢安慰

and the clarifying.

和解释。

The confronting, not so much.

而对于对抗，可能态度就不一样了。

One of the other things that I loved

作为一名牧师

about being a chaplain was

另外一件我喜欢的事情就是

seeing patients a year, or even several years

去见那些结束治疗一年后

after their treatment, because

甚至几年后的病人，因为

it was just really cool to see how they had changed

亲眼看着他们如何改变、

and how their lives had evolved

他们的生活如何进步

and what had happened to them.

以及他们身体发生了什么是一件很酷的事情。

So I was thrilled one day

所以当有一天

to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic

我在诊所的大堂

from a patient who I had seen the year before,

看到一个一年前见过的病人时非常兴奋，

and she was there with her two adult daughters,

她跟她的两个已成年的女儿在那儿，

who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.

我知道她是结束治疗一年后来做复查的。

So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic

我走进了大堂，她们当时正欣喜若狂，

because she had just gotten all of her test results back

因为她刚拿到了检查结果，

and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.

结果是无疾病征兆（NED）。

Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.

我以前以为NED的意思是没有完全死去。

So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,

所以她们很开心，我们坐下来闲谈，

and it was so weird, because

然而事情有点奇怪，因为

within two minutes, she started retelling me the story

谈不到两分钟，她开始对我复述

of her diagnosis and her surgery and her chemo,

关于她的诊断、手术和化疗的故事，

even though, as her chaplain, I saw her every week,

尽管做为她的牧师，我之前每个星期都见她，

and so I knew this story.

所以我是知道那些故事的。

And she was using words like suffering,

而且她使用了像“煎熬“、

agony, struggle.

“痛苦”、“挣扎”这样的字眼。

And she ended her story with,

最后她用

"I felt crucified."

“我感到自己被钉在了十字架上”结束了她的故事。

And at that point, her two daughters got up and said,

就在那时，她的两个女儿起身说道，

"We're going to go get coffee."

“我们去喝咖啡了。”

And they left.

然后她们离开了。

Tell me three things about yourself before the next stop.

在下一站之前告诉我三件关于你的事。

People were leaving the bus before she even got

人们可能会在她

to number two or number three.

说到第二件或第三件事之前就下车。

So I handed her a tissue,

我给她递了一张纸巾，

and I gave her a hug,

并且拥抱了她，

and then, because I really cared for this woman,

然后，因为我真的很关心这个女人，

I said,

所以我对她说，

"Get down off your cross."

“从十字架上下来吧。“

And she said, "What?"

然后她说，“什么？”

And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."

我重复道，“从十字架上下来吧。”

And to her credit, she could talk about her reasons

为了给自己增光，她可以说出她

for embracing and then clinging to this identity.

接受然后坚持这个身份标识的理由。

It got her a lot of attention.

它给她带来了很多关注。

People were taking care of her for a change.

人们本来希望通过关心使她改变。

But now, it was having the opposite effect.

但是现在，它正取得相反的效果。

It was pushing people away.

它反而在促使人们离开。

People kept leaving to get coffee.

人们离开她去喝咖啡。

She felt crucified by her experience,

她通过自己的经历使自己感觉到被钉在十字架上，

but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.

但是她又不想让这个被钉在十字架上的自己死掉。

Now, perhaps you are thinking

也许你们在想

I was a little harsh with her,

我对她有一点苛刻，

so I must tell you that

所以我必须告诉你

I was speaking out of my own experience.

我只是在说出我自己的经历。

Many, many years before,

很多很多年前，

I had been fired from a job that I loved,

我从一个自己喜欢的职位上被炒了，

and I would not stop talking about my innocence

然后我不停地述说我的清白、

and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,

受到的不公正的待遇、公司的背叛和卑鄙，

until finally, just like this woman,

直到最后，就像这个女人一样，

people were walking away from me,

人们离我而去，

until I finally realized

直到我最终意识到

I wasn't just processing my feelings,

我不仅仅是在炮制我自己的感受，

I was feeding them.

而且也在将这些感受输送给他们。

I didn't want to let that crucified self die.

我不想让被钉在十字架上的自己死去。

But we all know that with any resurrection story,

但是我们都知道在任何的重生故事中，

you have to die first.

你都必须先死去。

The Christian story,

基督教的故事中，

Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb

耶稣在复活之前

before he was resurrected.

被埋在坟墓里整整一天。

And I believe that for us,

我认为对于我们来说，

being in the tomb

在坟墓里

means doing our own deep inner work

的意思就是围绕着自己的创伤

around our wounds

去做内心深处的工作，

and allowing ourselves to be healed.

并且允许自己的创伤愈合。

We have to let that crucified self die

我们得让被钉在十字架上的自我死去，

so that a new self, a truer self,

这样才能让一个全新的、更真实的自我

is born.

诞生。

We have to let that old story go

我们要让旧的故事成为过去，

so that a new story, a truer story,

这样才能讲述全新的、

can be told.

更真实的故事。

Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.

定义你的经历，不要让它定义你。

What if there were no survivors,

如果没有幸存者，

meaning, what if people decided

没有所谓的意义会怎么样，如果人们

to just claim their trauma as an experience

仅仅把他们的创伤当作一种经历

instead of taking it on as an identity?

而不是作为一个身份标识又会怎么样？

Maybe it would be the end of being

也许这将使我们不再

trapped in our wounds

受困于我们的创伤

and the beginning of amazing

并且开始奇妙的

self-exploration and discovery and growth.

自我探索、发现和成长。

Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves

也许它将使我们开始通过

by who we have become

认识到我们曾经是什么样的人

and who we are becoming.

以及我们将会成为什么样的人来定义自己。

So perhaps survivor was not

所以也许成为幸存者不是

one of the three things that you would tell me.

你将要告诉我的三件事之一。

No matter.

没关系。

I just want you all to know that

我只是想让你们都知道

I am really glad that we are on this bus together,

很高兴我们能在同一辆公交车上，

and this is my stop.

并且我到站了。

(Applause)

（掌声）