Debra Jarvis: Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me

Translator: Michala Kamhalova Reviewer: Linda Magáthová

I just met you on a bus,

Práve som vás stretla v autobuse,

and we would really like to get to know each other,

a veľmi radi by sme sa navzájom spoznali,

but I've got to get off at the next stop,

ale na ďalšej zastávke musím vystúpiť.

so you're going to tell me three things about yourself

Takže mi o sebe poviete tri veci,

that just define you as a person,

ktoré vás ako človeka definujú.

three things about yourself

Tri veci o vás,

that will help me understand who you are,

ktoré mi pomôžu pochopiť, kto ste.

three things that just get to your very essence.

Tri veci, ktoré jednoducho vychádzajú z vašej podstaty.

And what I'm wondering

A mňa zaujíma:

is, of those three things,

je jednou

is any one of them

z týchto troch vecí

surviving some kind of trauma?

prežitie nejakej traumy?

Cancer survivor, rape survivor,

Prežitie rakoviny, znásilnenia,

Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.

holokaustu, incestu.

Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves

Všimli ste si, ako sa často identifikujeme

by our wounds?

cez naše rany?

And where I have seen this survivor identity

A miesto, kde som videla, že táto identita prežitia

have the most consequences

má najviac dôsledkov,

is in the cancer community.

je komunita pacientov s rakovinou.

And I've been around this community for a long time,

A v nej som bola dlhý čas

because I've been a hospice and a hospital chaplain

pretože som bola zamestnankyňa hospicu a nemocničná kaplánka

for almost 30 years.

takmer 30 rokov.

And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center

A v roku 2005 som pracovala vo veľkom centre na liečbu rakoviny,

when I received the news that

keď som sa dozvedela,

my mother had breast cancer.

že moja mama má rakovinu prsníka.

And then five days later,

A o päť dní nato

I received the news that I had breast cancer.

som sa dozvedela, že rakovinu prsníka mám aj ja.

My mother and I can be competitive —

Moja mama a ja sme súťaživé –

(Laughter) —

(smiech)

but I was really not trying to compete with her on this one.

ale fakt som sa nepokúšala súťažiť s ňou v tejto veci.

And in fact, I thought, well,

A vlastne som si pomyslela:

if you have to have cancer,

no, ak už máš mať rakovinu,

it's pretty convenient to be working

je celkom výhodné pracovať

at a place that treats it.

na mieste, ktoré ju lieči.

But this is what I heard from a lot of outraged people.

Ale toto som počula od mnohých rozhorčených ľudí:

What?

Čo?

You're the chaplain.

Vy ste kaplánka.

You should be immune.

Mali by ste byť imúnna.

Like, maybe I should have just gotten off

Možno som mala dostať iba varovanie

with a warning instead of an actual ticket,

namiesto samotnej pokuty,

because I'm on the force.

lebo som súčasťou zboru.

So I did get my treatment at the cancer center where I worked,

Tak som podstúpila liečbu v centre, kde som pracovala,

which was amazingly convenient,

čo mi veľmi vyhovovalo,

and I had chemotherapy

podstúpila som chemoterapiu

and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,

a mastektómiu a vložili mi soľný implantát

and so before I say another word, let me just say right now,

a predtým, než poviem čokoľvek ďalej, rovno vám poviem:

this is the fake one. (Laughter)

toto je to umelé. (smiech)

I have found that I need to get that out of the way,

Zistila som, že to potrebujem vybaviť hneď,

because I'll see somebody go

pretože už vidím, že niekto príde a povie:

"Oh, I know it's this one."

„Áno, jasné, viem, že je to toto.“

And then I'll move or I'll gesture and they'll go,

A potom sa pohnem alebo urobím gesto a oni nato:

"No, it's that one."

„Nie, je to toto.“

So now you know.

Takže teraz to viete.

I learned a lot being a patient,

Ako pacientka som sa veľa naučila

and one of the surprising things was

a jednou z prekvapujúcich vecí bolo,

that only a small part of the cancer experience

že len malá časť skúseností s rakovinou

is about medicine.

sa týka medicíny.

Most of it is about feelings and faith

Väčšina je o pocitoch a viere

and losing and finding your identity

a strate a nájdení vašej identity

and discovering strength

a objavení síl

and flexibility you never even knew you had.

a flexibility, o ktorých ste ani nikdy netušili, že ich máte.

It's about realizing that

Je to o uvedomení si,

the most important things in life are

že najdôležitejšie veci v živote vôbec

not things at all, but relationships,

nie sú veci, ale vzťahy.

and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty

A je to o smiechu v neistote.

and learning that the way to get out of almost anything

A o zistení, že spôsob, ako sa dostať takmer zo všetkého,

is to say, "I have cancer."

je povedať: „Mám rakovinu.“

So the other thing I learned was that

Takže ďalšia vec, ktorú som sa naučila, bola,

I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"

že nemusím vnímať „tá, čo porazila rakovinu“

as my identity,

ako svoju identitu.

but, boy, are there powerful forces

Ale, panebože, jestvujú sily,

pushing me to do just that.

ktoré ma tlačia, aby som urobila práve toto.

Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.

Prosím, teraz ma nechápte zle.

Cancer organizations

Organizácie zaoberajúce sa rakovinou

and the drive for early screening

a tlak na včasné skríningy

and cancer awareness and cancer research

a povedomie a výskum o rakovine

have normalized cancer,

ju znormalizovali

and this is a wonderful thing.

a to je skvelé.

We can now talk about cancer

Dnes môžme hovoriť o rakovine

without whispering.

bez šepkania.

We can talk about cancer and we can support one another.

Môžme o nej hovoriť a vzájomne sa podporovať.

But sometimes, it feels

Ale niekedy to vyzerá,

like people go a little overboard

akoby to ľudia trochu preháňali

and they start telling us how we're going to feel.

a začnú nám hovoriť, ako sa budeme cítiť.

So about a week after my surgery,

Asi týždeň po mojej operácii

we had a houseguest.

sme mali doma hostí.

That was probably our first mistake.

To bola pravdepodobne naša prvá chyba.

And keep in mind that

A pamätajte,

at this point in my life

že v tom čase môjho života

I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,

som už vyše 20 rokov bola kaplánkou

and issues like dying and death

a veci ako umieranie a smrť

and the meaning of life,

a zmysel života...

these are all things I'd been yakking about forever.

to všetko sú veci, o ktorých som rozprávala stále.

So at dinner that night,

Takže v ten večer pri večeri

our houseguest proceeds to stretch his arms up over his head,

náš hosť vystrie ruky ponad hlavu

and say, "You know, Deb,

a povie: „Vieš, Deb,

now you're really going to learn what's important.

teraz skutočne zistíš, čo je dôležité.

Yes, you are going to make some big changes

Áno, urobíš pár naozaj veľkých zmien

in your life,

v živote

and now you're going to start thinking about your death.

a teraz začneš rozmýšľať o svojej smrti.

Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."

Áno, táto rakovina je tvoj budíček.“

Now, these are golden words

A toto sú slová zo zlata,

coming from someone who is speaking about

ak pochádzajú od niekoho, kto hovorí

their own experience,

zo svojich vlastných skúseností,

but when someone is telling you

ale keď vám niekto hovorí,

how you are going to feel,

ako sa budete cítiť,

it's instant crap.

sú to okamžite kecy.

The only reason I did not kill him

Jediný dôvod, prečo som ho nezabila

with my bare hands

holými rukami, bol,

was because I could not lift my right arm.

že som nedokázala zdvihnúť pravú ruku.

But I did say a really bad word to him,

Ale povedala som mu naozaj čosi škaredé

followed by a regular word, that —

za čím nasledovalo klasické slovo –

(Laughter) —

(smiech) –

made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."

a to donútilo môjho manžela povedať: „Je na liekoch.“

(Laughter)

(smiech)

And then after my treatment, it just felt like

A potom, po mojej liečbe sa zdalo,

everyone was telling me what my experience was going to mean.

že každý mi hovoril, čo pre mňa táto skúsenosť bude znamenať.

"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."

„Och, to znamená, že budeš chodiť na pochody.“

"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."

„To znamená, že prídeš na obed.“

"This means you're going to be wearing

„To znamená, že budeš nosiť

the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt

ružovú stužku a ružové tričko

and the headband and the earrings

a čelenku a náušnice

and the bracelet and the panties."

a náramok a nohavičky.“

Panties. No, seriously, google it.

Nohavičky. Fakt, vážne, vygooglite si to.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

How is that raising awareness?

Ako toto zvyšuje povedomie?

Only my husband should be seeing my panties.

Len môj manžel by mal vidieť moje nohavičky.

(Laughter)

(smiech)

He's pretty aware of cancer already.

A on už vie toho o rakovine dosť.

It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,

V tom čase som cítila,

this is just taking over my life.

ako mi to ovláda celý život.

And that's when I told myself, claim your experience.

A vtedy som si povedala: Hovor o svojej skúsenosti.

Don't let it claim you.

Nedovoľ, aby hovorila ona o tebe.

We all know that

Všetci vieme,

the way to cope with trauma, with loss,

že spôsob, ako sa vyrovnať s traumou, so stratou,

with any life-changing experience,

s akýmkoľvek život meniacim zážitkom,

is to find meaning.

je nájsť zmysel.

But here's the thing:

Ale vec sa má takto:

No one can tell us

nikto nám nemôže povedať,

what our experience means.

čo naša skúsenosť znamená.

We have to decide what it means.

My sa musíme rozhodnúť, čo to znamená.

And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,

A nemusí to byť nijaký obrovský,

extroverted meaning.

vonkajší zmysel.

We don't all have to start a foundation

Nemusíme všetci založiť nadáciu,

or an organization or write a book

ani organizáciu, ani napísať knihu

or make a documentary.

alebo natočiť dokument.

Meaning can be quiet

Zmysel môže byť tichý

and introverted.

a vnútorný.

Maybe we make one small decision about our lives

Možno urobíme jedno malé rozhodnutie o svojom živote,

that can bring about big change.

ktoré prinesie veľkú zmenu.

Many years ago, I had a patient,

Pred mnohými rokmi som mala pacienta,

just a wonderful young man

skvelého mladého muža,

who was loved by the staff,

ktorého personál miloval,

and so it was something of a shock to us to realize

takže to pre nás bol trochu šok, keď sme si uvedomili,

that he had no friends.

že nemal nijakých priateľov.

He lived by himself,

Žil sám,

he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,

sám chodil na chemoterapiu,

he would receive his treatment,

dostal liečbu,

and then he'd walk home alone.

a potom sám odišiel domov.

And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,

A ja som sa ho dokonca opýtala: „Hej,

how come you never bring a friend with you?"

ako to, že si nikdy neprivedieš so sebou priateľa?“

And he said, "I don't really have any friends."

A on povedal: „Ja vlastne nemám nijakých priateľov.“

But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.

Ale mal kopec priateľov na oddelení infúzie.

We all loved him, and people were going in and out of his room all the time.

Všetci sme ho mali radi a ľudia chodili do a z jeho izby celý čas.

So at his last chemo,

Takže na jeho poslednej chemoterapii

we sang him the song

sme mu zaspievali pesničku

and we put the crown on his head and we blew the bubbles,

a dali sme mu na hlavu korunu a fúkali bubliny

and then I asked him, I said,

a potom som sa ho opýtala:

"So what are you going to do now?"

„Takže, čo budeš teraz robiť?“

And he answered,

A on odpovedal:

"Make friends."

„Nájdem si priateľov.“

And he did.

A našiel.

He started volunteering and he made friends there,

Začal byť dobrovoľníkom a našiel si priateľov tam,

and he began going to a church and he made friends there,

začal chodiť do kostola a našiel si priateľov tam,

and at Christmas he invited my husband and me to a party in his apartment,

a na Vianoce pozval môjho manžela a mňa na párty do svojho bytu

and the place was filled with his friends.

a ten bol plný jeho priateľov.

Claim your experience.

Hovorte o svojej skúsenosti.

Don't let it claim you.

Nedovoľte, aby hovorila ona o vás.

He decided that the meaning of his experience

On sa rozhodol, že zmysel jeho skúseností

was to know the joy of friendship,

bol spoznať radosť z priateľstva,

and then learn to make friends.

a potom sa naučiť ich vytvárať.

So what about you?

Takže čo vy?

How are you going to find meaning

Ako nájdete zmysel

in your crappy experience?

vašich zlých skúseností?

It could be a recent one,

Môže to byť nejaká nedávna

or it could be one that you've been carrying around

alebo taká, ktorú si so sebou nesiete

for a really long time.

naozaj dlho.

It's never too late to change what it means,

Nikdy nie je prineskoro, aby ste zmenili jej zmysel,

because meaning is dynamic.

pretože ten je dynamický.

What it means today

To, čo znamená dnes,

may not be what it means a year from now,

nemusí znamenať o rok

or 10 years from now.

či o desať.

It's never too late to become someone other

Nikdy nie je prineskoro, aby ste sa stali niekým iným

than simply a survivor.

než jednoducho len „tým, čo prežil“.

Hear how static that word sounds?

Počujete, ako staticky znejú tie slová?

Survivor.

„Ten, čo prežil“.

No movement, no growth.

Žiadny pohyb, žiadny rast.

Claim your experience.

Hovorte o svojej skúsenosti.

Don't let it claim you, because if you do,

Nedovoľte, aby hovorila ona za vás pretože ak sa tak stane,

I believe you will become trapped,

obávam sa, že sa dostanete do pasce,

you will not grow, you will not evolve.

nebudete rásť, nebudete sa vyvíjať.

But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures

Ale samozrejme, niekedy to nie sú tlaky zvonka,

that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.

ktoré nás prinútia prijať identitu „toho, čo prežil“.

Sometimes we just like the perks.

Niekedy jednoducho máme radi výhody, ktoré to prináša.

Sometimes there's a payoff.

Niekedy je za to odmena.

But then we get stuck.

Ale potom sa zasekneme.

Now, one of the first things I learned

A jedna z prvých vecí, ktoré som sa naučila

as a chaplain intern was the three C's

ako interná kaplánka,

of the chaplain's job:

boli tri P tejto práce:

Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront

Pokoj, pochopenie a, ak je to potrebné, postavenie sa problémom

or challenge.

alebo výzvam.

Now, we all pretty much love the comforting

Všetci máme celkom radi upokojovanie

and the clarifying.

a pomáhanie iným pochopiť.

The confronting, not so much.

Konfrontáciu už menej.

One of the other things that I loved

Pri práci kaplánky

about being a chaplain was

som milovala,

seeing patients a year, or even several years

keď som videla pacientov rok alebo dokonca niekoľko rokov

after their treatment, because

po liečbe,

it was just really cool to see how they had changed

pretože bolo naozaj skvelé vidieť, ako sa zmenili

and how their lives had evolved

a ako sa ich životy vyvinuli

and what had happened to them.

a čo sa im stalo.

So I was thrilled one day

Takže jedného dňa som bola uchvátená,

to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic

keď som zišla dolu do vestibulu kliniky

from a patient who I had seen the year before,

a videla som pacientku, ktorú som videla pred rokom

and she was there with her two adult daughters,

a bola tam s jej dvoma dospelými dcérami,

who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.

ktoré som tiež poznala, a prišla na zdravotnú kontrolu po roku.

So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic

Takže som zišla do vestibulu a ony boli v extáze,

because she had just gotten all of her test results back

pretože práve dostala naspäť všetky výsledky testov

and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.

a zistila, že má NED – žiadny dôkaz o chorobe (No Evidence of Disease).

Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.

Kedysi som si myslela, že to znamená Nie úplne mŕtvy (Not Entirely Dead).

So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,

Takže boli uchvátené, sadli sme si na rozhovor

and it was so weird, because

a bolo to divné,

within two minutes, she started retelling me the story

pretože za chvíľku mi začala prerozprávať príbeh

of her diagnosis and her surgery and her chemo,

jej diagnózy, operácie, chemoterapie,

even though, as her chaplain, I saw her every week,

hoci, ako jej kaplánka, som ju videla každý týždeň,

and so I knew this story.

takže som ten príbeh poznala.

And she was using words like suffering,

A používala slová ako „utrpenie,

agony, struggle.

agónia, boj“.

And she ended her story with,

A svoj príbeh ukončila:

"I felt crucified."

„Cítila som sa ukrižovaná.“

And at that point, her two daughters got up and said,

A v tom momente jej dve dcéry vstali a povedali:

"We're going to go get coffee."

„Ideme po kávu.“

And they left.

A odišli.

Tell me three things about yourself before the next stop.

Povedzte mi o sebe tri veci pred ďalšou zastávkou.

People were leaving the bus before she even got

Ľudia vystupovali z autobusu ešte predtým, než sa dostala

to number two or number three.

k druhému alebo tretiemu.

So I handed her a tissue,

Tak som jej podala vreckovku

and I gave her a hug,

a objala som ju.

and then, because I really cared for this woman,

A potom, pretože mi naozaj na tejto žene záležalo,

I said,

som jej povedala:

"Get down off your cross."

„Zíď zo svojho kríža.“

And she said, "What?"

A ona povedala: „Čo?“

And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."

Zopakovala som: „Zíď zo svojho kríža.“

And to her credit, she could talk about her reasons

A treba jej uznať, vedela hovoriť o svojich dôvodoch

for embracing and then clinging to this identity.

prečo prijala a držala sa tejto identity.

It got her a lot of attention.

Zabezpečila jej veľa pozornosti.

People were taking care of her for a change.

Ľudia sa pre zmenu o ňu starali.

But now, it was having the opposite effect.

Ale teraz to malo opačný účinok.

It was pushing people away.

Odtláčalo to ľudí preč.

People kept leaving to get coffee.

Ľudia odchádzali po kávu.

She felt crucified by her experience,

Cítila sa svojou skúsenosťou ukrižovaná,

but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.

ale nechcela nechať tú ukrižovanú časť seba umrieť.

Now, perhaps you are thinking

Teraz si možno myslíte,

I was a little harsh with her,

že som na ňu bola trochu hrubá,

so I must tell you that

musím vám povedať,

I was speaking out of my own experience.

že som hovorila z vlastných skúseností.

Many, many years before,

Mnoho, mnoho rokov predtým

I had been fired from a job that I loved,

ma vyhodili z práce, ktorú som milovala,

and I would not stop talking about my innocence

a neprestajne som hovorila o svojej nevine

and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,

a nespravodlivosti a podraze a podvode,

až nakoniec, presne ako od tejto ženy,

until finally, just like this woman,

people were walking away from me,

ľudia odo mňa odchádzali.

until I finally realized

Až kým som si konečne uvedomila,

I wasn't just processing my feelings,

že som nielen spracovávala svoje pocity,

I was feeding them.

ale živila som ich.

I didn't want to let that crucified self die.

Nechcela som, aby tá ukrižovaná časť mňa umrela.

But we all know that with any resurrection story,

Ale všetci vieme, že pri každom príbehu o zmŕtvychvstaní

you have to die first.

musíte najprv umrieť.

The Christian story,

Príbeh kresťanstva.

Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb

Ježiš bol v rakve mŕtvy celý deň

before he was resurrected.

predtým, než vstal z mŕtvych.

And I believe that for us,

A verím, že pre nás

being in the tomb

pobyt v rakve

means doing our own deep inner work

znamená, že robíme svoju hlbokú vnútornú prácu

around our wounds

na našich ranách

and allowing ourselves to be healed.

a dovoľujeme si vyliečiť sa.

We have to let that crucified self die

Musíme nechať tú ukrižovanú časť umrieť,

so that a new self, a truer self,

aby sa nové, pravdivejšie Ja,

is born.

mohlo narodiť.

We have to let that old story go

Musíme nechať ten starý príbeh odísť,

so that a new story, a truer story,

aby mohol byť povedaný

can be told.

nový, pravdivejší.

Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.

Hovorte o svojej skúsenosti. Nedovoľte, aby ona hovorila o vás.

What if there were no survivors,

Čo keby neboli nijakí „tí, čo prežili“?

meaning, what if people decided

Myslím tým, čo keby sa ľudia rozhodli,

to just claim their trauma as an experience

hovoriť o svojej traume len ako o skúsenosti

instead of taking it on as an identity?

miesto toho, aby sme ju prijali ako identitu?

Maybe it would be the end of being

Možno by to bol koniec

trapped in our wounds

života v pasci našich rán

and the beginning of amazing

a začiatok úžasného

self-exploration and discovery and growth.

sebaskúmania a objavu a rastu.

Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves

Možno by to bol začiatok sebadefinovania

by who we have become

ako tých, ktorými sme sa stali

and who we are becoming.

a kým sa stávame.

So perhaps survivor was not

Takže možno by „ten, čo prežil“ nebola jednou

one of the three things that you would tell me.

z tých troch vecí, ktoré by ste mi povedali.

No matter.

Na tom nezáleží.

I just want you all to know that

Len chcem, aby ste všetci vedeli,

I am really glad that we are on this bus together,

že som veľmi rada, že v tomto autobuse sme spolu.

and this is my stop.

A toto je moja zastávka.

(Applause)

(potlesk.)