Debra Jarvis: Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

I just met you on a bus,

我剛在公車上碰到你，

and we would really like to get to know each other,

而且我們很想認識彼此，

but I've got to get off at the next stop,

但我下一站就得下車了，

so you're going to tell me three things about yourself

所以你要告訴我關於你的三件事，

that just define you as a person,

三件能夠定義你這個人的事，

three things about yourself

三件關於你的事，

that will help me understand who you are,

能夠幫助我了解你是誰，

three things that just get to your very essence.

三件直抵你核心的事。

And what I'm wondering

我疑惑的是，

is, of those three things,

那三件事當中，

is any one of them

其中是否有一件

surviving some kind of trauma?

是從某種創傷中倖存的經驗？

Cancer survivor, rape survivor,

癌症倖存者、性侵倖存者、

Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.

大屠殺倖存者、亂倫倖存者。

Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves

你有沒有發現，

我們常用受過的傷來定義自己？

by our wounds?

And where I have seen this survivor identity

我看到這種倖存者的身分

have the most consequences

最常出現在癌症病患身上。

is in the cancer community.

And I've been around this community for a long time,

我在癌症病患的圈子裡很久了，

because I've been a hospice and a hospital chaplain

因為我擔任一家收容所和醫院的牧師

for almost 30 years.

將近三十年了。

And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center

2005 年時，

我在一家大型癌症醫療中心工作，

when I received the news that

就在那時我得知

my mother had breast cancer.

我媽罹患了乳癌。

And then five days later,

五天後，

I received the news that I had breast cancer.

我得知自己罹患了乳癌。

My mother and I can be competitive —

我和我媽都很好勝，

(Laughter) —

（笑聲）

but I was really not trying to compete with her on this one.

但這次我真的不想和她比。

And in fact, I thought, well,

事實上，我想，好吧，

if you have to have cancer,

如果你得了癌症，

it's pretty convenient to be working

在治療的地方工作也蠻方便的。

at a place that treats it.

But this is what I heard from a lot of outraged people.

但我聽到很多氣憤的人說，

What?

什麼？

You're the chaplain.

你是牧師，

You should be immune.

那你應該免疫啊。

Like, maybe I should have just gotten off

就像是也許我應該先收到警告就沒事，

with a warning instead of an actual ticket,

而不是直接被開罰單，

because I'm on the force.

畢竟我是隊上的人。

So I did get my treatment at the cancer center where I worked,

後來我就在我工作的 那家癌症醫療中心做治療，

which was amazingly convenient,

真的超級方便，

and I had chemotherapy

我做了化療，

and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,

做了一次乳房切除和鹽水袋隆乳手術，

and so before I say another word, let me just say right now,

在我多說一句話之前， 最好現在就說，

this is the fake one. (Laughter)

這顆是假的。（笑聲）

I have found that I need to get that out of the way,

我發現我得打開天窗說亮話，

because I'll see somebody go

因為我會看到有人說：

"Oh, I know it's this one."

「噢，我知道是這一顆。」

And then I'll move or I'll gesture and they'll go,

之後我動了一下，換個姿勢，他們又會說：

"No, it's that one."

「噢，是那顆才對。」

So now you know.

現在你知道是哪顆了。

I learned a lot being a patient,

當病人讓我學到很多，

and one of the surprising things was

而且很神奇的是

that only a small part of the cancer experience

癌症經驗當中只有一小部分

is about medicine.

和醫學有關。

Most of it is about feelings and faith

大部分都關於感覺、信仰，

and losing and finding your identity

失去、找尋自我身分，

and discovering strength

發掘力量，

and flexibility you never even knew you had.

以及你從不知道自己有的韌性。

It's about realizing that

你會了解

the most important things in life are

生命中最重要的事都和事情無關，

not things at all, but relationships,

而是和人際關係有關，

and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty

和笑著面對不確定的事物有關，

and learning that the way to get out of almost anything

並學會逃離任何事的方法

is to say, "I have cancer."

就是說：「我得了癌症。」

So the other thing I learned was that

我學到的另一件事就是

I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"

我不需要把「癌症倖存者」的角色

as my identity,

當做自己的身分，

but, boy, are there powerful forces

但卻有一股強大的力量

pushing me to do just that.

推著我這麼做。

Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.

請別誤會我說的話。

Cancer organizations

癌症團體、

and the drive for early screening

早期篩檢的慾望、

and cancer awareness and cancer research

罹癌意識和癌症調查

have normalized cancer,

都讓癌症標準化了，

and this is a wonderful thing.

這是很棒的事。

We can now talk about cancer

現在我們談論癌症

without whispering.

不需要再竊竊私語了。

We can talk about cancer and we can support one another.

我們談論癌症，還能互相打氣。

But sometimes, it feels

但有時候感覺上

like people go a little overboard

只要有人表現出一點興趣，

and they start telling us how we're going to feel.

他們就能滔滔不絕地說 之後我們會有什麼感覺。

So about a week after my surgery,

大概在我做完手術一個星期後，

we had a houseguest.

有訪客在我家過夜。

That was probably our first mistake.

這大概是我們犯的第一個錯誤。

And keep in mind that

各位要知道

at this point in my life

在我生命中的這個時刻，

I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,

我已經當了超過二十年的牧師，

and issues like dying and death

像臨終、死亡和生命的意義這些議題

and the meaning of life,

these are all things I'd been yakking about forever.

都是我以前能說個沒完沒了的話題。

So at dinner that night,

所以那天晚餐時，

our houseguest proceeds to stretch his arms up over his head,

客人開始高舉雙手做伸展，

and say, "You know, Deb,

他說：「小黛，你知道

now you're really going to learn what's important.

現在你真的要了解什麼是重要的事了。

Yes, you are going to make some big changes

沒錯，你會在生活上做出一些重大改變，

in your life,

and now you're going to start thinking about your death.

現在你得開始思考自己的死亡。

Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."

是啊，這癌症是叫醒你的鬧鐘。」

Now, these are golden words

這些金玉良言

coming from someone who is speaking about

是那些過來人分享自己的經驗，

their own experience,

but when someone is telling you

但當有人告訴你

how you are going to feel,

你之後會有什麼感覺，

it's instant crap.

那還真是一派胡言。

The only reason I did not kill him

我沒赤手空拳就殺了他的唯一理由

with my bare hands

was because I could not lift my right arm.

是因為我的右手舉不起來。

But I did say a really bad word to him,

但我其實對他說了很難聽的字眼，

followed by a regular word, that —

後面再接一個普通的字眼，

(Laughter) —

（笑聲）

made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."

讓我老公不得不說：「她剛剛吃了藥。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then after my treatment, it just felt like

在我接受治療之後，

感覺就像每個人都告訴我 我的經驗會有什麼意義。

everyone was telling me what my experience was going to mean.

"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."

「噢，這表示你得走路。」

"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."

「噢，這表示你中午要來聚餐。」

"This means you're going to be wearing

「這表示你會穿戴粉紅色緞帶、

the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt

粉紅色圓領衫、

and the headband and the earrings

頭巾、耳環、

and the bracelet and the panties."

手鐲和內褲。」

Panties. No, seriously, google it.

內褲，不會吧，真的，你上網查。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

How is that raising awareness?

內褲要怎麼提高癌症意識？

Only my husband should be seeing my panties.

只有我老公才能看我的內褲呀。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

He's pretty aware of cancer already.

他對癌症的意識已經夠了。

It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,

那個時候我才覺得，噢！天啊！

this is just taking over my life.

我的人生都快被癌症給控制了！

And that's when I told myself, claim your experience.

就在那個時候我告訴自己， 主張你的經驗。

Don't let it claim you.

別讓經驗主張你。

We all know that

我們都知道

the way to cope with trauma, with loss,

處理創傷、損失

with any life-changing experience,

和任何改變生命經驗的方法，

is to find meaning.

就是找出意義。

But here's the thing:

但問題是，

No one can tell us

沒有人能告訴我們

what our experience means.

自己的經驗有什麼意義。

We have to decide what it means.

我們得自己決定意義。

And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,

那不需要是什麼了不起、

extroverted meaning.

外顯的意義。

We don't all have to start a foundation

我們不必全都去成立基金會、社團，

or an organization or write a book

或是寫書、

or make a documentary.

拍紀錄片。

Meaning can be quiet

意義也可以是寧靜

and introverted.

與內斂的。

Maybe we make one small decision about our lives

也許我們能為生命做個小決定，

that can bring about big change.

讓它帶來大改變。

Many years ago, I had a patient,

幾年前，我有個病人，

just a wonderful young man

他是個優秀青年，

who was loved by the staff,

員工都很喜歡他，

and so it was something of a shock to us to realize

所以我們都很驚訝

that he had no friends.

他居然沒有朋友。

He lived by himself,

他自力更生，

he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,

自己一個人來做化療，

he would receive his treatment,

他接受治療，

and then he'd walk home alone.

然後一個人走路回家。

And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,

我還問他：

how come you never bring a friend with you?"

「嘿！你怎麼都不找個朋友來陪你？」

And he said, "I don't really have any friends."

他說：「我其實沒什麼朋友。」

But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.

但他在注射那個樓層有很多朋友。

We all loved him, and people were going in and out of his room all the time.

我們都愛他，也都常進出他的病房。

So at his last chemo,

所以他做化療的最後一天，

we sang him the song

我們為他唱歌，

and we put the crown on his head and we blew the bubbles,

幫他戴上皇冠，我們還吹泡泡，

and then I asked him, I said,

然後我問他：

"So what are you going to do now?"

「你之後打算做什麼？」

And he answered,

他說：

"Make friends."

「交朋友。」

And he did.

他真的交了朋友。

He started volunteering and he made friends there,

他開始當志工，在那邊交了朋友；

and he began going to a church and he made friends there,

他開始上教堂，也在那交了朋友。

and at Christmas he invited my husband and me to a party in his apartment,

他邀請我們夫妻到他家參加聖誕派對，

and the place was filled with his friends.

整間都塞滿了他的朋友。

Claim your experience.

主張你的經驗，

Don't let it claim you.

別讓經驗主張你。

He decided that the meaning of his experience

他決定這個經驗的意義

was to know the joy of friendship,

是要讓他認識擁有友誼的喜悅，

and then learn to make friends.

然後學習交朋友。

So what about you?

那你呢？

How are you going to find meaning

你要怎麼在碰到的鳥事裡找出意義？

in your crappy experience?

It could be a recent one,

可能是最近的事，

or it could be one that you've been carrying around

或是你背負了很久的事。

for a really long time.

It's never too late to change what it means,

改變意義永遠都不晚，

because meaning is dynamic.

因為意義是動態的。

What it means today

今天代表的意義

may not be what it means a year from now,

不見得和一年後一樣，

or 10 years from now.

或和十年後一樣。

It's never too late to become someone other

要跳脫倖存者的身分，變成另一個人，

than simply a survivor.

永遠都不遲。

Hear how static that word sounds?

你聽那個詞有多沉重？

Survivor.

倖存者。

No movement, no growth.

沒有動靜，毫無成長。

Claim your experience.

主張你的經驗，

Don't let it claim you, because if you do,

別讓經驗主張你，因為如果你屈服了，

I believe you will become trapped,

我相信你就會變得綁手綁腳，

you will not grow, you will not evolve.

不再進步，不再成長。

But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures

但當然有時候並不是外在壓力

that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.

讓我們揹起倖存者的身分。

Sometimes we just like the perks.

有時候我們就喜歡隨之而來的好處。

Sometimes there's a payoff.

有時候會有好處。

But then we get stuck.

但之後我們就會陷入膠著。

Now, one of the first things I learned

我剛當實習牧師 學到的其中一件事

as a chaplain intern was the three C's

就是牧師的 3C 守則：

of the chaplain's job:

Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront

安撫 (comfort)、澄清 (clarify)，

如果需要的話，面對 (confront)，

或是挑戰 (challenge)。

or challenge.

Now, we all pretty much love the comforting

我們都蠻喜歡安撫和澄清，

and the clarifying.

The confronting, not so much.

但可不太喜歡面對。

One of the other things that I loved

另一件讓我愛上

about being a chaplain was

當牧師的事情是

seeing patients a year, or even several years

在病人治療一年後，或是幾年後

after their treatment, because

和他們見面，

it was just really cool to see how they had changed

看見他們的變化、

and how their lives had evolved

他們的生活進展，

and what had happened to them.

和他們發生了什麼事，感覺很酷。

So I was thrilled one day

有天我非常興奮，

to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic

因為我在診所大廳拿到一張紙，

from a patient who I had seen the year before,

給我的是去年見過的病人，

and she was there with her two adult daughters,

她和兩位成年的女兒一起來，

who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.

我也都認識，今天是她年度追蹤的回診日。

So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic

我到大廳的時候，他們欣喜若狂，

because she had just gotten all of her test results back

因為她才剛拿到所有的檢驗結果，

and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.

NED，就是「無病徵」 (No Evidence of Disease)。

Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.

我總是把那看做「還有半條命」 (Not Entirely Dead)。

So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,

他們欣喜若狂，

我們都坐下，

感覺很怪，

and it was so weird, because

因為才短短兩分鐘，她就開始重述

within two minutes, she started retelling me the story

of her diagnosis and her surgery and her chemo,

自己當初確診、手術和化療的故事，

even though, as her chaplain, I saw her every week,

即使身為她的牧師，我每週和她見面，

and so I knew this story.

我已經知道這個故事了。

And she was using words like suffering,

她當時用的字眼都是受難、

agony, struggle.

非常痛苦、掙扎。

And she ended her story with,

最後她以這句話做結論：

"I felt crucified."

「我感覺被釘在十字架上處死了。」

And at that point, her two daughters got up and said,

那時候，她的兩個女兒站起來說：

"We're going to go get coffee."

「我們要去買咖啡。」

And they left.

然後就離開了。

Tell me three things about yourself before the next stop.

告訴我關於你的三件事，在抵達下一站之前。

People were leaving the bus before she even got

大家都下了公車，

還聽不到她說第二或第三個故事。

to number two or number three.

So I handed her a tissue,

所以我遞給她一張面紙，

and I gave her a hug,

給她一個擁抱，

and then, because I really cared for this woman,

因為我真的很關心她，

I said,

所以我說：

"Get down off your cross."

「從你的十字架上下來吧。」

And she said, "What?"

她說：「什麼？」

And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."

我又說了一次： 「從你的十字架上下來吧。」

And to her credit, she could talk about her reasons

她很棒的是，

能說出接納癌症的理由，

for embracing and then clinging to this identity.

然後緊抓住這個身分。

It got her a lot of attention.

這件事讓她受到很多關注。

People were taking care of her for a change.

換成是別人在照顧她， 不是她要照顧他人，

But now, it was having the opposite effect.

但現在卻造成了反效果，

It was pushing people away.

這件事不斷推開大家。

People kept leaving to get coffee.

大家不斷離開去買咖啡，

She felt crucified by her experience,

她覺得被自己的經歷 釘在十字架上處死，

but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.

但她卻不想讓十字架獨自消逝。

Now, perhaps you are thinking

也許你會想

I was a little harsh with her,

我對她有點嚴厲，

so I must tell you that

但我得告訴你，

I was speaking out of my own experience.

其實我是在說自己的經驗。

Many, many years before,

很多年以前，

I had been fired from a job that I loved,

我被炒魷魚，我很愛那個工作，

and I would not stop talking about my innocence

當時我無法克制一直說自己有多無辜，

and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,

還有那有多不公平、是背叛和欺騙，

until finally, just like this woman,

直到終於有一天，就像她，

people were walking away from me,

大家開始離我而去，

until I finally realized

直到我終於了解

I wasn't just processing my feelings,

我不只是處理我的感受，

I was feeding them.

我是在加深我的感受。

I didn't want to let that crucified self die.

我不肯讓那個十字架獨自消逝。

But we all know that with any resurrection story,

但我們都知道每個復活的故事中，

you have to die first.

你都得先死。

The Christian story,

基督教的故事裡，

Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb

耶穌死了埋在墳裡一整天，

before he was resurrected.

之後他才復活。

And I believe that for us,

我相信對我們來說，

being in the tomb

在墳裡

means doing our own deep inner work

意謂著處理我們自己深沉的內在感受，

around our wounds

處理我們的傷口，

and allowing ourselves to be healed.

允許自己復元。

We have to let that crucified self die

我們得讓那個處死的十字架獨自消逝，

so that a new self, a truer self,

這樣新的自我、更真實的自我

is born.

才能誕生。

We have to let that old story go

我們得讓舊的故事隨風而去，

so that a new story, a truer story,

這樣新的故事，更真實的故事

can be told.

才能被說出來。

Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.

主張自己的經驗，

別讓經驗主張你。

What if there were no survivors,

如果沒有倖存者會如何？

meaning, what if people decided

意思是，如果每個人決定

to just claim their trauma as an experience

主張創傷只是個經驗，

instead of taking it on as an identity?

而不把它當做是一種身分，那會如何？

Maybe it would be the end of being

也許我們就不會被困在傷口裡，

trapped in our wounds

and the beginning of amazing

我們就能開啟驚人的

self-exploration and discovery and growth.

自我探索、發覺和成長。

Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves

也許那會成為我們定義自己的開端，

by who we have become

用我們已經實現

and who we are becoming.

和正要變成的自己來定義。

So perhaps survivor was not

也許倖存者不在

one of the three things that you would tell me.

你想說的三件事裡。

No matter.

那也沒關係。

I just want you all to know that

我只是想讓你們知道，

I am really glad that we are on this bus together,

我真的很高興 我們同在這台公車上，

and this is my stop.

我的站到了。

(Applause)

（掌聲）