In search for the man who broke my neck | Joshua Prager

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Aniko Kovac Lektor: Tatjana Jevdjic

One year ago, I rented a car in Jerusalem

Pre godinu dana iznajmio sam kola u Jerusalimu

to go find a man I'd never met

kako bih našao čoveka koga nikada nisam upoznao,

but who had changed my life.

ali koji mi je promenio život.

I didn't have a phone number to call to say I was coming.

Nisam imao broj telefona da ga pozovem i najavim svoj dolazak.

I didn't have an exact address,

Nisam imao tačnu adresu,

but I knew his name, Abed,

ali sam znao njegovo ime, Abed.

I knew that he lived in a town of 15,000, Kfar Kara,

Znao sam da živi u gradu sa 15 000 stanovnika Kfar Kari

and I knew that, 21 years before, just outside this holy city,

i znao sam da mi je pre 21 godinu, izvan ovog svetog grada,

he broke my neck.

slomio vrat.

And so, on an overcast morning in January, I headed north

Tako sam se jednog tmurnog jutra u januaru zaputio na sever

off in a silver Chevy to find a man and some peace.

u sivom ševroletu, da pronađem čoveka i mir.

The road dropped and I exited Jerusalem.

Sišao sam s puta i izašao iz Jerusalima.

I then rounded the very bend where his blue truck,

Skrenuo upravo na toj krivini gde je njegov plavi kamion

heavy with four tons of floor tiles,

natovaren pločicama težine od 4 tone

had borne down with great speed onto the back left corner

ogromnom brzinom uleteo u zadnji deo leve strane

of the minibus where I sat.

minibusa u kojem sam sedeo.

I was then 19 years old.

Tada sam imao 19 godina.

I'd grown five inches and done some 20,000 pushups

Porastao sam desetak cantimetara i uradio oko 20 000 sklekova

in eight months, and the night before the crash,

za osam meseci, a veče pre sudara

I delighted in my new body,

oduševljen svojim novim telom

playing basketball with friends

igrao sam košarku s prijateljima

into the wee hours of a May morning.

do sitnih sati majskog jutra.

I palmed the ball in my large right hand,

Zahvatio sam loptu sa svojom krupnom desnom šakom

and when that hand reached the rim, I felt invincible.

i kada je ta ruka dotakla obruč, osetio sam se nepobedivim.

I was off in the bus to get the pizza I'd won on the court.

Autobusom sam krenuo po picu koju sam osvojio na terenu.

I didn't see Abed coming.

Nisam video Abeda kako nailazi.

From my seat, I was looking up at a stone town

Sa svog sedišta gledao sam u grad od kamenja

on a hilltop, bright in the noontime sun,

na vrhu brda, osunčan podnevnim suncem,

when from behind there was a great bang,

kada se otpozadi čuo strahovit prasak,

as loud and violent as a bomb.

glasan kao siloviti udar bombe.

My head snapped back over my red seat.

Glava mi je poletela unazad preko crvenog sedišta.

My eardrum blew. My shoes flew off.

Bubne opne su mi ekspolodirale. Cipele su mi sletele.

I flew too, my head bobbing on broken bones,

Poleteo samo i glava mi se klatila na slomljenim kostima,

and when I landed, I was a quadriplegic.

a kada sam sleteo, bio sam kvadriplegičar.

Over the coming months, I learned to breathe on my own,

Narednih meseci naučio sam samostalno da dišem,

then to sit and to stand and to walk,

zatim da sedim i stojim i hodam,

but my body was now divided vertically.

ali telo mi je sada bilo vertikalno podeljeno.

I was a hemiplegic, and back home in New York,

Bio sam hemiplegičar i nakon povratka kući u Njujork

I used a wheelchair for four years, all through college.

četiri godine sam bio u kolicima, za sve vreme trajanja mojih studija.

College ended and I returned to Jerusalem for a year.

Završio sam fakultet i vratio se u Jerusalim na godinu dana.

There I rose from my chair for good,

Tamo sam konačno ustao iz kolica

I leaned on my cane, and I looked back,

oslonio se na svoj štap i osvrnuo se unazad

finding all from my fellow passengers in the bus

pronalazeći sve, od mojih saputnika u autobusu,

to photographs of the crash,

do slika sudara

and when I saw this photograph,

i kada sam video ovu sliku,

I didn't see a bloody and unmoving body.

nisam video krvavo i nepokretno telo.

I saw the healthy bulk of a left deltoid,

Video sam zdravu masu levog deltoida

and I mourned that it was lost,

i žalio sam nad njenim gubitkom,

mourned all I had not yet done,

žalio sam zbog svega što još nisam uradio,

but was now impossible.

a što je sada bilo nemoguće.

It was then I read the testimony that Abed gave

Tada sam pročitao Abedovo svedočenje

the morning after the crash,

jutro nakon nesreće,

of driving down the right lane of a highway toward Jerusalem.

kako je vozio desnom trakom autoputa ka Jerusalimu.

Reading his words, I welled with anger.

Čitajući njegove reči, kipteo sam od besa.

It was the first time I'd felt anger toward this man,

Bilo je to prvi put da sam osetio bes ka ovom čoveku

and it came from magical thinking.

i bilo je to zbog magijskog mišljenja.

On this xeroxed piece of paper,

Na ovom štampanom parčetu papira,

the crash had not yet happened.

sudar se još nije desio.

Abed could still turn his wheel left

Abed je još uvek mogao da okrene volan nalevo

so that I would see him whoosh by out my window

i ja bih ga kroz prozor video kako proleće

and I would remain whole.

i ostao bih ceo.

"Be careful, Abed, look out. Slow down."

"Pazi, Abede, pazi. Uspori."

But Abed did not slow,

Ali Abed nije usporio

and on that xeroxed piece of paper, my neck again broke,

i na tom štampanom parčetu papira, moj vrat je ponovo bio slomljen

and again, I was left without anger.

i bes je ponovo prošao.

I decided to find Abed,

Odlučio sam da pronađem Abeda

and when I finally did,

i kada sam ga konačno našao,

he responded to my Hebrew hello which such nonchalance,

odgovorio je na moj hebrejski pozdrav s tolikom nonšalantnošću

it seemed he'd been awaiting my phone call.

da je delovalo kao da je očekivao moj poziv.

And maybe he had.

Možda i jeste.

I didn't mention to Abed his prior driving record --

Nisam spomenuo Abedu njegov dosije prekršaja u vožnji -

27 violations by the age of 25,

27 prekršaja do 25. godine,

the last, his not shifting his truck into a low gear on that May day —

poslednji, to što nije smanjio brzinu svog kamiona tog majskog dana -

and I didn't mention my prior record --

i nisam mu spomenuo svoj dosije -

the quadriplegia and the catheters,

kvadriplegiju i katetere,

the insecurity and the loss —

nesigurnost i gubitak -

and when Abed went on about how hurt he was in the crash,

i kada je Abed pričao o tome koliko je bio povređen u sudaru

I didn't say that I knew from the police report

nisam mu rekao da iz izveštaja policije znam

that he'd escaped serious injury.

da je prošao bez ozbiljnijih povreda.

I said I wanted to meet.

Rekao sam da bih želeo da se nađemo.

Abed said that I should call back in a few weeks,

Abed je rekao da ga pozovem za nekoliko nedelja,

and when I did, and a recording told me

a kada sam ga pozvao, automatska poruka mi je saopštila

that his number was disconnected,

da je njegov broj isključen.

I let Abed and the crash go.

Ostavio sam Abeda i sudar iza sebe.

Many years passed.

Prošlo je mnogo godina.

I walked with my cane and my ankle brace and a backpack

Uz pomoć svog štapa i steznika na članku, sa ruksakom na leđima, hodao sam

on trips in six continents.

na putovanjima preko šest kontinenata.

I pitched overhand in a weekly softball game

Bio sam bacač na nedeljnim utakmicama softbola

that I started in Central Park,

koje sam započeo u Central parku,

and home in New York, I became a journalist and an author,

a kod kuće u Njujorku sam postao novinar i pisac

typing hundreds of thousands of words with one finger.

kucajući stotine i hiljade reči samo jednim prstom.

A friend pointed out to me that all of my big stories

Prijatelj mi je ukazao na to da su sve moje velike priče

mirrored my own, each centering on a life

odraz moje sopstvene, svaka od njih se bavi životom

that had changed in an instant,

koji se promenio u trenutku,

owing, if not to a crash, then to an inheritance,

ako ne zbog sudara, onda zbog nasleđa,

a swing of the bat, a click of the shutter, an arrest.

zamaha palice, sevanja blica, hapšenja.

Each of us had a before and an after.

Svako od nas je imao jedno "pre" i "posle".

I'd been working through my lot after all.

Na kraju krajeva, nosio sam se sa svojom sudbinom.

Still, Abed was far from my mind, when last year,

Abed je bio daleko od mojih misli kada sam se prošle godine

I returned to Israel to write of the crash,

vratio u Izrael da pišem o sudaru

and the book I then wrote, "Half-Life,"

i knjiga koju sam napisao "Polu-život"

was nearly complete when I recognized

je bila gotovo završena kada sam shvatio

that I still wanted to meet Abed,

da još uvek želim da upoznam Abeda

and finally I understood why:

i konačno sam razumeo zašto:

to hear this man say two words: "I'm sorry."

kako bih čuo tog čoveka da izgovara reči: "Žao mi je."

People apologize for less.

Ljudi se izvinjavaju i za manje stvari.

And so I got a cop to confirm that Abed still lived

Policajac mi je potvrdio da Abed i dalje živi

somewhere in his same town,

negde u tom istom gradu

and I was now driving to it with a potted yellow rose in the back seat,

i vozio sam do tamo sa saksijom žute ruže na zadnjem sedištu,

when suddenly flowers seemed a ridiculous offering.

kada mi se cvet odjednom učinio kao smešna ponuda.

But what to get the man who broke your fucking neck?

Ali šta pokloniti čoveku koji je slomio tvoj jebeni vrat?

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I pulled into the town of Abu Ghosh,

Ušao sam u grad Abu Goš

and bought a brick of Turkish delight:

i kupio parče turskog delikatesa:

pistachios glued in rosewater. Better.

pistaće u ružinoj vodici. Bolje.

Back on Highway 1, I envisioned what awaited.

U povratku na Autoput 1, zamišljao sam ono što me očekuje.

Abed would hug me. Abed would spit at me.

Abed će me zagrliti. Abed će me pljunuti.

Abed would say, "I'm sorry."

Abed će reći: "Žao mi je."

I then began to wonder, as I had many times before,

Onda sam počeo da se pitam, kao što sam to radio i bezbroj puta ranije,

how my life would have been different

kako bi mi život bio drugačiji

had this man not injured me,

da me ovaj čovek nije povredio,

had my genes been fed a different helping of experience.

da su moji geni bili izloženi drugačijem iskustvu.

Who was I?

Ko sam bio ja?

Was I who I had been before the crash,

Jesam li ja bio ona osoba pre sudara,

before this road divided my life like the spine of an open book?

pre nego što je ovaj put razdvojio moj život kao što povez deli otvorenu knjigu?

Was I what had been done to me?

Jesam li ja bio ono što mi je učinjeno?

Were all of us the results of things done to us, done for us,

Jesmo li svi mi rezultat stvari koje su nam učinjene, koje su učinjene za nas,

the infidelity of a parent or spouse,

neverstvo partnera ili supružnika,

money inherited?

novac koji smo nasledili?

Were we instead our bodies, their inborn endowments and deficits?

Ili smo mi naša tela, njihove urođene prednosti i mane?

It seemed that we could be nothing more than genes and experience,

Činilo se da ne možemo biti ništa više do gena i iskustava,

but how to tease out the one from the other?

ali kako razdvojiti jedno od drugog?

As Yeats put that same universal question,

Jejts je postavio isto univerzalno pitanje:

"O body swayed to music, o brightening glance,

"O telo, muzikom pokrenuto, o, oko sjajno,

how can we know the dancer from the dance?"

kako razaznati ples od plesača?"

I'd been driving for an hour

Vozio sam se već sat vremena

when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw my own brightening glance.

kada sam pogledao u retrovizor i video sjaj u svom oku.

The light my eyes had carried for as long as they had been blue.

Svetlost mojih očiju je bila tu od kada su one bile plave.

The predispositions and impulses that had propelled me

Sklonosti i impulsi koji su me naveli

as a toddler to try and slip over a boat into a Chicago lake,

da kao dete pokušam da ispadnem iz čamca i upadnem u čikaško jezero,

that had propelled me as a teen

koji su me kao tinejdžera naveli

to jump into wild Cape Cod Bay after a hurricane.

da skočim u divljajući zaliv Kejp Kod nakon uragana.

But I also saw in my reflection

Ali sam u svom odrazu takođe video

that, had Abed not injured me,

da bih, da me Abed nije povredio,

I would now, in all likelihood, be a doctor

sada najverovatnije bio lekar

and a husband and a father.

i muž i otac.

I would be less mindful of time and of death,

Bio bih manje svestan vremena i smrti

and, oh, I would not be disabled,

i naravno, ne bih bio hendikepiran,

would not suffer the thousand slings and arrows of my fortune.

ne bih poklekao pod strelama sudbine.

The frequent furl of five fingers, the chips in my teeth

Često grčenje prstiju, okrnjeni zubi,

come from biting at all the many things

sve je to rezultat griženja mnogobrojnih stvari

a solitary hand cannot open.

koje jedna ruka ne može da otvori.

The dancer and the dance were hopelessly entwined.

Plesač i ples su beznadežno isprepletani.

It was approaching 11 when I exited right

Bilo je skoro 11 sati kada sam skrenuo desno

toward Afula, and passed a large quarry

ka Afuli, prošao veliki kamenolom

and was soon in Kfar Kara.

i uskoro sam se našao u Kfar Kari.

I felt a pang of nerves.

Bio sam nervozan.

But Chopin was on the radio, seven beautiful mazurkas,

Ali je Šopen bio na radiju, sedam prelepih mazurki,

and I pulled into a lot by a gas station

i zaustavio sam se na parkingu benzinske pumpe

to listen and to calm.

da ih slušam i da se smirim.

I'd been told that in an Arab town,

Rečeno mi je da je u arapskom gradu

one need only mention the name of a local

dovoljno reći ime meštana

and it will be recognized.

i da će ga ljudi prepoznati.

And I was mentioning Abed and myself,

Spominjao sam Abeda i sebe,

noting deliberately that I was here in peace,

namerno naglašavajući da dolazim u miru

to the people in this town,

ljudima iz grada,

when I met Mohamed outside a post office at noon.

kada sam u podne sreo Mohameda ispred pošte.

He listened to me.

On me je saslušao.

You know, it was most often when speaking to people

Znate, najčešće sam se tokom razgovora s ljudima

that I wondered where I ended and my disability began,

pitao gde se ja završavam, a gde počinje moj hendikep

for many people told me what they told no one else.

jer su mi mnogi ljudi govorili stvari koje nikom drugom nisu rekli.

Many cried.

Mnogi su plakali.

And one day, after a woman I met on the street did the same

Jednog dana, nakon što je jedna žena na ulici učinila upravo to,

and I later asked her why,

pitao sam je zašto

she told me that, best she could tell, her tears

i ona mi je objasnila, najbolje što je mogla, da su njene suze

had had something to do with my being happy and strong,

povezane s tim što sam ja srećan i jak,

but vulnerable too.

ali istovremeno i ranljiv.

I listened to her words. I suppose they were true.

Slušao sam njene reči. Pretpostavljam da su bile istinite.

I was me,

Ja sam bio ja,

but I was now me despite a limp,

ali sada sam ja bio ja uprkos šepanju

and that, I suppose, was what now made me, me.

i pretpostavljam da je to ono što me je načinilo onim što jesam.

Anyway, Mohamed told me

U svakom slučaju, Mohamed mi je rekao

what perhaps he would not have told another stranger.

ono što verovatno ne bi rekao nekom drugom strancu.

He led me to a house of cream stucco, then drove off.

Odveo me je do bež kuće od gipsanog maltera i onda se odvezao.

And as I sat contemplating what to say,

Dok sam sedeo razmišljajući o tome šta bih rekao,

a woman approached in a black shawl and black robe.

prišla mi je žena sa crnom maramom i u crnoj odori.

I stepped from my car and said "Shalom,"

Izašao sam iz kola i rekao: "Šalom"

and identified myself,

i predstavio sam se,

and she told me that her husband Abed

a ona mi je rekla da se njen muž Abed

would be home from work in four hours.

vraća s posla za četiri sata.

Her Hebrew was not good, and she later confessed

Njen hebrejski nije bio dobar i kasnije je priznala

that she thought that I had come to install the Internet.

da je mislila da sam došao da im uvedem internet.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I drove off and returned at 4:30,

Odvezao sam se i vratio u 4:30

thankful to the minaret up the road

zahvaljujući minaretu dalje niz put

that helped me find my way back.

koji mi je pomogao da pronađem put nazad.

And as I approached the front door,

Dok sam prilazio ulaznim vratima,

Abed saw me, my jeans and flannel and cane,

Abed me je primetio, moje farmerke, košulju i štap.

and I saw Abed, an average-looking man of average size.

I ja sam video Abeda, prosečnog čoveka, prosečne visine.

He wore black and white: slippers over socks,

Nosio je crno sa belim: papuče preko čarapa

pilling sweatpants, a piebald sweater,

ofucanu trenerku, šareni džemper,

a striped ski cap pulled down to his forehead.

kapu na pruge navučenu do čela.

He'd been expecting me. Mohamed had phoned.

Očekivao me je. Mohamed je telefonirao.

And so at once, we shook hands, and smiled,

Odmah smo se rukovali i nasmejali jedan drugome

and I gave him my gift,

i dao sam mu svoj poklon

and he told me I was a guest in his home,

i on mi je rekao da sam gost u njegovoj kući

and we sat beside one another on a fabric couch.

i seli smo jedan do drugog na kauč prekriven tkaninom.

It was then that Abed resumed at once

Tada je Abed nastavio

the tale of woe he had begun over the phone

jadikovanje koje je započeo preko telefona

16 years before.

pre 16 godina.

He'd just had surgery on his eyes, he said.

Rekao je da je nedavno operisao oči.

He had problems with his side and his legs too,

Imao je problema sa bokovima i nogama takođe

and, oh, he'd lost his teeth in the crash.

i da je izgubio zube u nesreći.

Did I wish to see him remove them?

Da li bih želeo da ga vidim kako ih vadi?

Abed then rose and turned on the TV

Abed je onda ustao i uključio TV

so that I wouldn't be alone when he left the room,

kako ne bih bio sam dok je on otišao iz sobe

and returned with polaroids of the crash

i vratio se sa fotografijama iz nesreće

and his old driver's license.

i svojom vozačkom dozvolom.

"I was handsome," he said.

"Bio sam zgodan", rekao je.

We looked down at his laminated mug.

Pogledao sam plastificiranu sliku.

Abed had been less handsome than substantial,

Abed nije bio toliko zgodan koliko je bio kršan,

with thick black hair and a full face and a wide neck.

imao je čvrstu crnu kosu, okruglo lice i širok vrat.

It was this youth who on May 16, 1990,

Ovaj mladić je 16. maja 1990.

had broken two necks including mine,

slomio dva vrata, uključujući i moj,

and bruised one brain and taken one life.

nagnječio jedan mozak i oduzeo jedan život.

Twenty-one years later, he was now thinner than his wife,

Dvadeset i jednu godinu kasnije, on je bio mršaviji od svoje žene,

his skin slack on his face,

koža na licu mu je visila

and looking at Abed looking at his young self,

i gledajući Abeda kako posmatra mladog sebe

I remembered looking at that photograph of my young self

setio sam se sebe kako gledam svoje fotografije

after the crash, and recognized his longing.

nakon nesreće i prepoznao sam njegovu čežnju.

"The crash changed both of our lives," I said.

"Sudar je promenio oba naša života", rekao sam.

Abed then showed me a picture of his mashed truck,

Abed mi je onda pokazao sliku svog slupanog kamiona

and said that the crash was the fault of a bus driver

i rekao da je sudar bio krivica vozača autobusa

in the left lane who did not let him pass.

u levoj traci, koji ga nije propustio.

I did not want to recap the crash with Abed.

Nisam hteo da prolazim kroz sudar s Abedom.

I'd hoped for something simpler:

Nadao sam se nečemu jednostavnijem:

to exchange a Turkish dessert for two words and be on my way.

da razmenim turski desert za nekoliko reči i krenem dalje.

And so I didn't point out that in his own testimony

Zbog toga mu nisam ukazao na to da u sopstvenom svedočenju

the morning after the crash,

jutro nakon sudara

Abed did not even mention the bus driver.

Abed nije ni spomenuo vozača autobusa.

No, I was quiet. I was quiet because I had not come for truth.

Ćutao sam jer nisam došao zbog istine.

I had come for remorse.

Došao sam zbog pokajanja.

And so I now went looking for remorse

I zato, tražio sam pokajanje

and threw truth under the bus.

gurajući istinu pod tepih.

"I understand," I said, "that the crash was not your fault,

"Razumem", rekao sam, "da sudar nije bio vaša krivica,

but does it make you sad that others suffered?"

ali da li vas rastužuje to što su i drugi patili?"

Abed spoke three quick words.

Abed je rekao tri kratke reči.

"Yes, I suffered."

"Da, patio sam."

Abed then told me why he'd suffered.

Abed mi je onda rekao zašto je patio.

He'd lived an unholy life before the crash,

Živeo je život grešnika pre sudara

and so God had ordained the crash,

i zato je bog prouzrokovao sudar

but now, he said, he was religious, and God was pleased.

i sada je, rekao je, on bio pobožan i bog je bio zadovoljan.

It was then that God intervened:

Tada se bog umešao:

news on the TV of a car wreck that hours before

vesti na TV-u o saobraćajnoj nesreći od pre nekoliko sati

had killed three people up north.

na severu, u kojoj je troje ljudi umrlo.

We looked up at the wreckage.

Pogledali smo u olupine.

"Strange," I said.

"Čudno", rekao sam.

"Strange," he agreed.

"Čudno", on se složio.

I had the thought that there, on Route 804,

Pomislio sam da su tamo, na Putu 804,

there were perpetrators and victims,

bili počinioci i žrtve,

dyads bound by a crash.

dijade povezane nesrećom.

Some, as had Abed, would forget the date.

Neki će, kao što je Abed, zaboraviti datum.

Some, as had I, would remember.

Neki će ga se sećati, kao ja.

The report finished and Abed spoke.

Reportaža se završila i Abed je progovorio.

"It is a pity," he said, "that the police

"Šteta", rekao je, "što policija

in this country are not tough enough on bad drivers."

u ovoj državi ne kažnjava loše vozače dovoljno."

I was baffled.

Bio sam šokiran.

Abed had said something remarkable.

Abed je rekao nešto izuzetno.

Did it point up the degree to which he'd absolved himself of the crash?

Da li je to bilo dokaz toga koliko je on sebe oslobodio krivice?

Was it evidence of guilt, an assertion

Da li je to bio dokaz krivice, izjava

that he should have been put away longer?

kako je on trebalo duže da ostane u zatvoru?

He'd served six months in prison, lost his truck license for a decade.

Odslužio je šest meseci, izgubio kamion i dozvolu na deset godina.

I forgot my discretion.

Zaboravio sam na diskreciju.

"Um, Abed," I said,

"Ovaj, Abede", rekao sam,

"I thought you had a few driving issues before the crash."

"mislio sam da ste imali neke probleme s vožnjom pre sudara."

"Well," he said, "I once went 60 in a 40."

"Pa", rekao je, "jednom prilikom sam išao sa 60 umesto 40."

And so 27 violations --

Tako se 27 prekršaja -

driving through a red light, driving at excessive speed,

vožnja kroz crveno, prekoračenje brzine,

driving on the wrong side of a barrier,

vožnja s pogrešne strane puta

and finally, riding his brakes down that hill --

i konačno, vožnja bez kočenja niz nizbrdicu -

reduced to one.

svelo na jedan.

And it was then I understood that no matter how stark the reality,

Tada sam shvatio da ma koliko stvarnost bila surova,

the human being fits it into a narrative that is palatable.

ljudska bića će je pretvoriti u priču koja je podnošljiva.

The goat becomes the hero. The perpetrator becomes the victim.

Zločinac postaje heroj. Počinilac postaje žrtva.

It was then I understood that Abed would never apologize.

Tada sam shvatio da se Abed nikada neće izviniti.

Abed and I sat with our coffee.

Abed i ja smo sedeli uz kafu.

We'd spent 90 minutes together,

Proveli smo 90 minuta zajedno

and he was now known to me.

i ja sam ga tada upoznao.

He was not a particularly bad man

Nije bio naročito loš čovek

or a particularly good man.

niti naročito dobar čovek.

He was a limited man

On je bio ograničen čovek,

who'd found it within himself to be kind to me.

koji je našao snage u sebi da bude ljubazan prema meni.

With a nod to Jewish custom,

Po jevrejskom običaju

he told me that I should live to be 120 years old.

poželeo mi je da doživim 120 godina.

But it was hard for me to relate to one who had

Ali je meni bilo teško da razumem čoveka

so completely washed his hands of his own calamitous doing,

koji je u potpunosti oprao ruke od svog kobnog dela,

to one whose life was so unexamined that he said

koji do te mere nije preispitao svoj život, da je rekao

he thought two people had died in the crash.

da je mislio da je dvoje ljudi umrlo u sudaru.

There was much I wished to say to Abed.

Bilo je mnogo toga što sam želeo da kažem Abedu.

I wished to tell him that, were he to acknowledge my disability,

Želeo sam da mu kažem da bi bilo u redu

it would be okay,

da primeti moj hendikep,

for people are wrong to marvel

jer ljudi greše kada se dive

at those like me who smile as we limp.

onima kao ja, koji se osmehuju dok šepaju.

People don't know that they have lived through worse,

Ljudi ne znaju da su preživeli gore,

that problems of the heart hit with a force greater than a runaway truck,

da problemi u našoj duši teže više od udarca kamiona koji je izgubio kontrolu,

that problems of the mind are greater still,

da su problemi u našim glavama još veći,

more injurious, than a hundred broken necks.

povrede su strašnije, nego stotine slomljenih vratova.

I wished to tell him that what makes most of us who we are

Želeo sam da mu kažem da ono što čini većinu nas,

most of all

pre svega,

is not our minds and not our bodies

nisu naše misli i naša tela

and not what happens to us,

i nije ono što nam se desi,

but how we respond to what happens to us.

već to kako se mi nosimo s onim što nam se desi.

"This," wrote the psychiatrist Viktor Frankl,

"Ovo je", napisao je Viktor Frankl, psihijatar,

"is the last of the human freedoms:

"jedna od poslednjih ljudskih sloboda:

to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."

izbor ličnog stava u bilo kojim datim okolnostima."

I wished to tell him that not only paralyzers

Želeo sam da mu kažem da ne moraju samo oni koji su paralizovani

and paralyzees must evolve, reconcile to reality,

i koji su ih paralizovali da evoluiraju, da se pomire sa stvarnošću,

but we all must --

nego da svi mi moramo -

the aging and the anxious and the divorced and the balding

oni koji stare i oni nervozni i oni razvedeni i oni koji gube kosu

and the bankrupt and everyone.

i oni koji su bankrotirali i svi.

I wished to tell him that one does not have to say

Želeo sam da mu kažem da ne moramo reći

that a bad thing is good,

da je loša stvar dobra,

that a crash is from God and so a crash is good,

da je sudar poslat od boga i da je zato sudar dobar,

a broken neck is good.

da je slomljeni vrat dobar.

One can say that a bad thing sucks,

Možemo reći da su loše stvari sranje,

but that this natural world still has many glories.

ali da ovaj svet još uvek ima mnoga čuda.

I wished to tell him that, in the end, our mandate is clear:

Želeo sam da mu kažem da je na kraju krajeva naša sudbina jasna:

We have to rise above bad fortune.

moramo se izdići iznad loše sreće.

We have to be in the good and enjoy the good,

Moramo se prepustiti dobrome i uživati u njemu,

study and work and adventure and friendship -- oh, friendship --

učenje i posao i avantura i prijateljstva - o, prijateljstva -

and community and love.

i zajednica i ljubav.

But most of all, I wished to tell him

Ali pre svega, želeo sam da mu kažem

what Herman Melville wrote,

ono što je Herman Melvil napisao:

that "truly to enjoy bodily warmth,

"Da bismo istinski uživali u toploti tela,

some small part of you must be cold,

mali deo nas mora biti hladan,

for there is no quality in this world

jer ne postoji ni jedna stvar na ovome svetu

that is not what it is merely by contrast."

koja je ono što jeste bez njene suprotnosti."

Yes, contrast.

Da, suprotnosti.

If you are mindful of what you do not have,

Ako ste svesni onoga što nemate,

you may be truly mindful of what you do have,

možete zaista biti svesni onoga što imate

and if the gods are kind, you may truly enjoy what you have.

i ako su bogovi milostivi, možete zaista da uživate u onome što imate.

That is the one singular gift you may receive

To je jedan jedini dar koji možete da dobijete

if you suffer in any existential way.

ako istinski patite.

You know death, and so may wake each morning

Poznajete smrt i zato se budite svakog jutra

pulsing with ready life.

sa pulsirajućom željom života.

Some part of you is cold,

Jedan deo vas je hladan

and so another part may truly enjoy what it is to be warm,

i zato drugi deo vas zaista može da uživa u toploti

or even to be cold.

ili pak u toj hladnoći.

When one morning, years after the crash,

Kada sam jednog jutra, godinama nakon sudara,

I stepped onto stone and the underside of my left foot

stao na kamen i levim stopalom

felt the flash of cold, nerves at last awake,

osetio tračak hladnoće, nerve kako se bude,

it was exhilarating, a gust of snow.

bilo je neverovatno, nalet snega.

But I didn't say these things to Abed.

Ali nisam ove stvari rekao Abedu.

I told him only that he had killed one man, not two.

Rekao sam mu da je ubio samo jednog čoveka, ne dvoje.

I told him the name of that man.

Rekao sam mu ime tog čoveka.

And then I said, "Goodbye."

A onda sam rekao: "Zbogom."

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thanks a lot.

Hvala vam puno.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)