Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

236,824 views

2014-02-21 ・ TED


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Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

236,824 views ・ 2014-02-21

TED


Dvaput kliknite na engleske titlove ispod za reprodukciju videozapisa.

Prevoditelj: Katarina Lukec Recezent: Tilen Pigac - EFZG
00:12
I'm going to talk to you tonight
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Večeras ću vam pričati
00:14
about coming out of the closet,
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o izlaženju iz ormara,
00:16
and not in the traditional sense,
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ali ne u tradicionalnom smislu,
00:17
not just the gay closet.
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samo o gay ormaru.
00:19
I think we all have closets.
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Mislim da svi imamo ormare.
00:21
Your closet may be telling someone
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Tvoj ormar je možda reći nekome
00:23
you love her for the first time,
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da ju voliš po prvi put,
00:25
or telling someone that you're pregnant,
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ili reći nekome da si trudna,
00:27
or telling someone you have cancer,
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ili reći nekome da imaš rak,
00:30
or any of the other hard conversations
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ili bilo što drugo od teških razgovora
00:32
we have throughout our lives.
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koje vodimo kroz naše živote.
00:34
All a closet is is a hard conversation,
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Sve što ormar jest je težak razgovor,
00:38
and although our topics may vary tremendously,
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i unatoč tome što naše teme strahovito variraju,
00:41
the experience of being in
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iskustvo toga da budeš u ormaru
00:43
and coming out of the closet is universal.
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i izađeš iz njega univerzalno je.
00:46
It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
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Strahovito je, mrzimo ga, i trebamo ga učiniti.
00:52
Several years ago,
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Prije par godina,
00:53
I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe,
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radila sam u South Side Walnut Cafeu,
00:57
a local diner in town,
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lokalnom restoranu u gradu,
00:59
and during my time there I would go through phases
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i tokom mog rada tamo prolazila sam kroz faze
01:01
of militant lesbian intensity:
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militantnog lezbijskog intenziteta:
01:05
not shaving my armpits,
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nisam brijala pazuhe,
01:07
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.
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citiranje tekstova Ani DiFranco kao gospela.
01:10
And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts
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I ovisno o tome koliko su mi kratke hlače bile vrećaste
01:13
and how recently I had shaved my head,
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i koliko sam nedavno obrijala glavu,
01:15
the question would often be sprung on me,
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postavljalo mi se pitanje,
01:17
usually by a little kid:
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obično od malog djeteta:
01:19
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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"Umm... jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
01:24
And there would be an awkward silence at the table.
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I nastala bi neugodna tišina za stolom.
01:27
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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Stisnula bih malo jače čeljust,
01:29
hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.
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držala bih lončić kave s malo više bijesa.
01:32
The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper
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Tata bi neugodno listao svoje novine
01:35
and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
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a mama bi uperila hladan pogled na dijete.
01:37
But I would say nothing,
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Ali ja ne bih rekla ništa,
01:39
and I would seethe inside.
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i kipjela bih iznutra.
01:41
And it got to the point where every time I walked up
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I došla sam do toga da svaki put kad bih došetala
01:43
to a table that had a kid anywhere between three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
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do stola koji ima dijete između tri i deset godina, bila sam spremna svađati se.
01:47
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:49
And that is a terrible feeling.
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I to je grozan osjećaj.
01:51
So I promised myself, the next time, I would say something.
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Pa sam si obećala, idući put, reći ću nešto.
01:55
I would have that hard conversation.
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Obavit ću taj teški razgovor.
01:57
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
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I tako unutar par tjedana, ponovilo se.
02:00
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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"Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
02:02
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready,
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Poznata tišina, ali ovaj put sam spremna,
02:05
and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101
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i proći ću kroz Ženske studije 101
02:09
on this table. (Laughter)
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s ovim stolom. (Smijeh)
02:12
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes.
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Imam svoje citate Betty Friedan,
02:14
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes.
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imam svoje citate Glorie Steinem.
02:16
I've even got this little bit from "Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
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Čak imam nešto iz "Vagininih monologa" što ću citirati.
02:19
So I take a deep breath and I look down
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I tako duboko udahnem i pogledam dolje
02:23
and staring back at me is a four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
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i u mene bulji četverogodišnja djevojčica u ružičastoj haljini,
02:27
not a challenge to a feminist duel,
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nije izazov na feministički dvoboj,
02:29
just a kid with a question:
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samo dijete s pitanjem:
02:32
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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"Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
02:34
So I take another deep breath,
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I tako još jednom duboko udahnem,
02:36
squat down to next to her, and say,
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čučnem do nje, i kažem,
02:37
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing.
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"Hej, znam da je malo zbunjujuće.
02:39
My hair is short like a boy's,
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Imam kratku kosu kao dečko,
02:41
and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl,
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i nosim mušku odjeću, ali ja sam cura,
02:43
and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,
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i znaš kad ponekad voliš nositi svoju ružičastu haljinu,
02:45
and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies?
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a ponekad voliš nositi svoju udobnu pidžamu?
02:48
Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
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Pa, ja sam više tip cure za udobne pidžame."
02:52
And this kid looks me dead in the eye,
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I ovo dijete me pogleda ravno u oči,
02:54
without missing a beat, and says,
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bez treptaja, i kaže,
02:55
"My favorite pajamas are purple with fish.
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"Moja najdraža pidžama je ljubičasta s ribom.
02:57
Can I get a pancake, please?"
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Mogu li dobiti palačinku, molim?"
02:59
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:02
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl.
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I to je bilo to. Samo, "Oh, dobro. Ti si cura.
03:05
How about that pancake?"
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Može ta palačinka?"
03:08
It was the easiest hard conversation
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Bio je to najlakši teški razgovor
03:10
I have ever had.
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koji sam ikad imala.
03:12
And why? Because Pancake Girl and I,
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A zašto? Zato što smo Palačinka Djevojčica i ja,
03:15
we were both real with each other.
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bile iskrene jedna prema drugoj.
03:18
So like many of us,
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Kao i mnogi od nas,
03:20
I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah,
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živjela sam u par ormara u svom životu, i da,
03:23
most often, my walls happened to be rainbow.
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najčešće, moji zidovi ispadnu šareni.
03:25
But inside, in the dark,
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Ali unutra, u mraku,
03:27
you can't tell what color the walls are.
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ne znaš koje su boje zidovi.
03:29
You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.
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Samo znaš kako je to živjeti u ormaru.
03:33
So really, my closet is no different than yours
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I zapravo, moj ormar nije ništa drugačiji od tvog
03:36
or yours or yours.
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ili tvog ili tvog.
03:39
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons
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Dakako, dat ću vam 100 razloga
03:41
why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours,
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zašto je moje izlaženje iz ormara teže od vašeg,
03:43
but here's the thing: Hard is not relative.
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ali evo jedne stvarI: Teško nije relativno.
03:46
Hard is hard.
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Teško je teško.
03:48
Who can tell me that explaining to someone you've just declared bankruptcy
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Tko mi može reći da je objasniti nekom da ti se dogodio bankrot
03:52
is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them?
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teže nego reći nekom da si ga prevario?
03:54
Who can tell me that his coming out story
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Tko mi može reći da je njegova priča izlaženja
03:57
is harder than telling your five-year-old you're getting a divorce?
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teža nego reći svom petogodišnjem djetetu da se rastajete?
03:59
There is no harder, there is just hard.
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Ne postoji teže, postoji samo teško.
04:03
We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard
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Trebamo prestati vrednovati naše teško nasuprot tuđih
04:06
to make us feel better or worse about our closets
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da se osjećamo bolje ili gore oko svojih ormara
04:09
and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.
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i samo se pomiriti s činjenicom da svi imamo teško.
04:13
At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,
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U nekom trenutku života, svi živimo u ormaru,
04:16
and they may feel safe,
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i možda se čine sigurnima,
04:18
or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door.
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ili bar sigurnijima od onog što leži s druge strane tih vrata.
04:21
But I am here to tell you,
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Ali ja sam ovdje da vam kažem,
04:23
no matter what your walls are made of,
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bez obzira od čega su vaši zidovi napravljeni,
04:25
a closet is no place for a person to live.
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ormar nije mjesto za život.
04:29
Thanks. (Applause)
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Hvala. (Pljesak)
04:32
So imagine yourself 20 years ago.
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Zamislite se prije 20 godina.
04:36
Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress,
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Ja, ja sam imala konjski repić, haljinu bez bretela,
04:41
and high-heeled shoes.
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i cipele s visokom potpeticom.
04:43
I was not the militant lesbian
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Nisam bila militantna lezbijka
04:44
ready to fight any four-year-old that walked into the cafe.
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spremna na svađu sa svakim četverogodišnjakom koji je naišao u gostionicu.
04:48
I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner
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Bila sam smrznuta od straha, stisnuta u kutu
04:52
of my pitch-black closet
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svog ormara crnog kao ugljen
04:54
clutching my gay grenade,
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stiščući svoju gay granatu,
04:57
and moving one muscle is the scariest thing
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i pokretanje jednog mišića bila je najstrašnija stvar
05:00
I have ever done.
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koju sam ikad napravila.
05:03
My family, my friends, complete strangers --
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Moja obitelj, moji prijatelji, potpuni stranci -
05:05
I had spent my entire life
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potratila sam čitavi život
05:06
trying to not disappoint these people,
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pokušavajući ne razočarati te ljude,
05:08
and now I was turning the world upside down
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a zatim sam okretala čitavi svijet naglavačke
05:11
on purpose.
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namjerno.
05:13
I was burning the pages of the script
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Palila sam stranice propisa
05:15
we had all followed for so long,
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koji sam tako dugo slijedila,
05:17
but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
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no ako ne bacite tu granatu, ubit će vas.
05:21
One of my most memorable grenade tosses
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Jedno od najviše pamtljivih bacanja grenate
05:23
was at my sister's wedding.
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bilo je na sestrinom vjenčanju.
05:25
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
05:27
It was the first time that many in attendance
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Bilo je to prvi put da su mnogi prisutni
05:30
knew I was gay, so in doing my maid of honor duties,
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saznali da sam gay, i tako radeći kumine dužnosti,
05:33
in my black dress and heels,
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u svojoj crnoj haljini i potpeticama,
05:35
I walked around to tables
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hodala sam okolo do stolova
05:37
and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends,
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i konačno sletjela na stol roditeljevih prijatelja,
05:39
folks that had known me for years.
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ljudi koji su me znali godinama.
05:42
And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out,
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I nakon malo ćaskanja, jedna od žena je viknula,
05:45
"I love Nathan Lane!"
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"Volim Nathana Lanea!"
05:48
And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
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I započela je bitka gay referiranja.
05:51
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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"Ash, jesi li ikad bila u Castru?"
05:53
"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."
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"Pa da, zapravo, imamo prijatelje u San Franciscu."
05:55
"Well, we've never been there but we've heard it's fabulous."
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"Mi nikad nismo bili tamo ali čuli smo da je nevjerojatno."
05:58
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?
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"Ash, znaš li mog frizera Antonia?
06:00
He's really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend."
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Zaista je dobar i nije nikad pričao o djevojci."
06:03
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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"Ash, koja ti je najdraža TV emisija?
06:05
Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace.
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Naša najdraža TV emisija? Najdraža: Will i Grace.
06:07
And you know who we love? Jack.
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I znaš koga volim? Jacka.
06:08
Jack is our favorite."
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Jack nam je najdraži."
06:10
And then one woman, stumped
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Zatim je jedna žena, zastala
06:13
but wanting so desperately to show her support,
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očajnički želeći pokazati podršku,
06:15
to let me know she was on my side,
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dati mi do znanja da je na mojoj strani,
06:18
she finally blurted out,
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i napokon je izvalila,
06:19
"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
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"Pa, ponekad moj muž nosi ružičaste majice."
06:23
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
06:25
And I had a choice in that moment,
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I imala sam izbor u tom trenutku,
06:27
as all grenade throwers do.
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kao što i svi bacači granata imaju.
06:29
I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table
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Mogla sam se vratiti svojoj djevojci i svom stolu gay ljubitelja
06:33
and mock their responses,
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i rugati se njihovim odgovorima,
06:35
chastise their unworldliness and their inability
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izgrditi njihovu nerječitost i nesposobnost
06:37
to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me,
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preskočiti politički ispravne gay obruče koje sam donijela sa sobom,
06:40
or I could empathize with them
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ili sam mogla suosjećati s njima
06:43
and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done,
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i shvatiti da je to možda bila jedna od najtežih stvari koju su ikad učinili,
06:47
that starting and having that conversation
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to započinjanje i imanje tog razgovora
06:50
was them coming out of their closets.
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za njih je bilo izlaženje iz ormara.
06:52
Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they felt short.
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Naravno, bilo bi lako pokazati gdje su podbacili.
06:56
It's a lot harder to meet them where they are
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Mnogo je teže izaći im u susret
06:58
and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.
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i prihvatiti činjenicu da su se trudili.
07:00
And what else can you ask someone to do but try?
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A što drugo možete tražiti od nekog nego da se trudi?
07:05
If you're going to be real with someone,
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Ako ćete biti iskreni s nekim,
07:07
you gotta be ready for real in return.
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morate biti spremni na povratnu iskrenost.
07:11
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
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Teški razgovori i dalje nisu moje područje.
07:14
Ask anybody I have ever dated.
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Pitajte bilo kog s kim sam hodala.
07:16
But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call
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Ali poboljšavam se, i slijedim ono što volim nazvati
07:19
the three Pancake Girl principles.
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tri principa Palačinka Djevojčice.
07:21
Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,
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Sad, molim vas gledajte na ovo kroz gay-obojane leće,
07:25
but know what it takes to come out of any closet
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ali znajte da sve što treba za izlazak iz bilo kojeg ormara
07:28
is essentially the same.
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je u srži jednako.
07:30
Number one: Be authentic.
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Broj jedan: budite autentični.
07:33
Take the armor off. Be yourself.
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Skinite oklop. Budite svoji.
07:34
That kid in the cafe had no armor,
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To dijete u gostionici nije imalo oklop,
07:36
but I was ready for battle.
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ali ja sam bila spremna za bitku.
07:38
If you want someone to be real with you,
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Ako želite da netko bude iskren s vama,
07:41
they need to know that you bleed too.
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trebaju znati da i vi krvavite.
07:44
Number two: Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
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Broj dva: budite direktni. Samo recite. Strgnite flaster.
07:47
If you know you are gay, just say it.
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Ako znate da ste gay, samo recite.
07:50
If you tell your parents you might be gay,
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Ako kažete roditeljima da ste možda gay,
07:51
they will hold out hope that this will change.
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oni će gajiti nadu da će se to možda promijeniti.
07:53
Do not give them that sense of false hope.
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Ne dajte im taj tračak lažne nade.
07:56
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:58
And number three, and most important --
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I broj tri, i najvažnije --
08:03
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
08:05
Be unapologetic.
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Nemojte se ispričavati.
08:09
You are speaking your truth.
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Govorite istinu.
08:11
Never apologize for that.
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Nikad se nemojte ispričavati za to.
08:15
And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way,
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I neki ljudi će možda biti povrijeđeni s vremenom,
08:17
so sure, apologize for what you've done,
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pa svakako, ispričajte se za ono što ste učinili,
08:20
but never apologize for who you are.
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ali nikad se ne ispričavajte za ono što jeste.
08:23
And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,
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I da, možda će neki biti razočarani,
08:26
but that is on them, not on you.
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ali to je na njima, ne na vama.
08:29
Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours.
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To su njihova očekivanja od vas, ne vaša.
08:31
That is their story, not yours.
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To je njihova priča, ne vaša.
08:36
The only story that matters
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Jedina priča koja je bitna
08:37
is the one that you want to write.
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je ona koju vi želite napisati.
08:40
So the next time you find yourself
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Stoga, idući put kad se nađete
08:42
in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade,
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u ormaru crnom kao ugljen držeći svoju granatu,
08:44
know we have all been there before.
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znajte da smo svi tamo bili.
08:48
And you may feel so very alone, but you are not.
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I možete se osjećati usamljenima, ali niste.
08:51
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
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I svi znamo da je teško ali trebamo te ovdje vani,
08:54
no matter what your walls are made of,
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bez obzira od čega su tvoji zidovi napravljeni,
08:57
because I guarantee you there are others
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jer vam garantiram da ima i drugih
08:59
peering through the keyholes of their closets
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koji vire kroz ključanice svojih ormara
09:01
looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open, so be that person
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tražeći hrabru dušu da razvali vrata, stoga budite ta osoba
09:05
and show the world that we are bigger than our closets
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i pokažite svijetu da smo veći od svojih ormara
09:08
and that a closet is no place for a person
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i da ormar nije mjesto za čovjekov
09:12
to truly live.
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stvarni život.
09:13
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
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Hvala vam, Boulder. Uživajte u ostatku večeri (Pljesak)
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