How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are | Andrew Solomon

2,898,473 views ・ 2014-05-21

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譯者: Adrienne Lin 審譯者: Marssi Draw
00:12
As a student of adversity,
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總在逆境中學習的我,
00:16
I've been struck over the years by how some people with major challenges
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過去幾年來
看到有些人
在面對極大的挑戰時
00:21
seem to draw strength from them.
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卻能越挫越勇而感到很訝異。
00:24
And I've heard the popular wisdom that that has to do with finding meaning.
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我也常聽到有人說
這跟找尋意義有關。
00:28
And for a long time,
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很久以來,
00:30
I thought the meaning was out there,
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我以為「意義」存在著,
00:32
some great truth waiting to be found.
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就像某個待人尋找的真相。
00:35
But over time,
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但經過一段時間,
00:37
I've come to feel that the truth is irrelevant.
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我開始覺得真相並不重要。
00:40
We call it "finding meaning,"
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我們稱之為找尋意義,
00:42
but we might better call it "forging meaning."
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或許應該說是鑄造意義才對。
00:46
My last book was about how families manage to deal
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我的新書是關於
家庭如何應對各種挑戰
00:49
with various kinds of challenging or unusual offspring.
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或是子女異於常人。
我訪談的其中一位母親,
00:54
And one of the mothers I interviewed,
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00:56
who had two children with multiple severe disabilities,
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兩個孩子都有多重嚴重身障,
00:59
said to me, "People always give us these little sayings like,
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她告訴我:「很多人都會告訴我們
一些俗語像是
『上帝絕不會給你超過你能負荷的試煉。』
01:04
'God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.'
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01:07
But children like ours are not preordained as a gift.
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但像我們家的孩子,
卻不註定是禮物。
01:13
They're a gift
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他們之所以為禮物, 只因是我們所選擇的。」
01:14
because that's what we have chosen."
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01:18
We make those choices all our lives.
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我們一生都在做這種決定。
當我國小二年級時,
01:23
When I was in second grade,
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01:25
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party
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巴比.芬可辦了個慶生會,
並邀請全班參加,除了我以外。
01:28
and invited everyone in our class but me.
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01:32
My mother assumed there had been some sort of error,
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我媽以為或許是哪裡弄錯,
所以打給芬可的媽媽。
01:35
and she called Mrs. Finkel,
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01:36
who said that Bobby didn't like me and didn't want me at his party.
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她卻告訴我母親,巴比不喜歡我,
所以不要我參加他的慶生會。
當天,我媽帶我到動物園,
01:42
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo
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還買了個熔岩巧克力聖代給我。
01:45
and out for a hot fudge sundae.
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我國一時,
01:48
When I was in seventh grade,
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01:49
one of the kids on my school bus nicknamed me "Percy,"
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校車上有位同學
替我取了綽號「波西」
來取笑我的言行舉止。
01:54
as a shorthand for my demeanor.
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有時候,他和同夥
01:57
And sometimes, he and his cohort would chant that provocation
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會不斷覆頌這詞。
整段來回學校的公車上,
02:02
the entire school bus ride,
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45 分鐘上學、45 分鐘放學的路上,
02:04
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back:
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02:07
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"
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不斷喊:「波西!波西!波西!」
02:12
When I was in eighth grade, our science teacher told us
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我國二時,
科學課的老師說
02:16
that all male homosexuals develop fecal incontinence
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所有男同性戀
都會大便失禁,
02:20
because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.
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因為肛門括約肌的損傷。
我高中畢業以前
02:25
And I graduated high school without ever going to the cafeteria,
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從沒去過學校餐廳,
02:29
where I would have sat with the girls and been laughed at for doing so,
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因為如果去了, 我也會跟女生坐在一起,
然後因此被取笑;
02:33
or sat with the boys,
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或是與男生坐一起,
02:35
and been laughed at for being a boy who should be sitting with the girls.
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然後被取笑
我是個該跟女生坐一塊的男孩子。
我之所以安然度過童年,
02:40
I survived that childhood through a mix of avoidance and endurance.
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都是透過逃避跟忍受。
02:45
What I didn't know then
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我當時並不知道,
02:47
and do know now,
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而現在已經知道的是,
逃避和忍受
02:49
is that avoidance and endurance can be the entryway to forging meaning.
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會是鑄造意義的起點。
在你鑄造意義之後,
02:56
After you've forged meaning,
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02:58
you need to incorporate that meaning into a new identity.
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需要將這意義
融入到新的身分中。
03:02
You need to take the traumas
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你需要讓經歷過的創傷
03:04
and make them part of who you've come to be,
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成為自己的一部分,
03:08
and you need to fold the worst events of your life
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並將人生中經歷過的最糟事件
化為勝利的故事,
03:11
into a narrative of triumph,
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03:13
evincing a better self in response to things that hurt.
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成為更好的自己,
以回應那些曾傷害你的事。
03:18
One of the other mothers I interviewed when I was working on my book
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我寫書時所訪談過的
其中一位母親
03:22
had been raped as an adolescent,
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在青少年時期曾被強暴,
還因此懷孕生子,
03:25
and had a child following that rape,
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讓她必須從此拋棄原有的事業計劃,
03:28
which had thrown away her career plans
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且重創了她所有的感情關係。
03:31
and damaged all of her emotional relationships.
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當我認識她時,她 50 歲,
03:35
But when I met her, she was 50,
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03:38
and I said to her,
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我告訴她:
03:39
"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"
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「妳會時常想起強暴妳的那個人嗎?」
她回答:「我以前想到他會滿腔怒火,
03:42
And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,
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03:46
but now only with pity."
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但現在只會可憐他。」
我本想,她說的可憐是覺得
03:49
And I thought she meant pity because he was so unevolved
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強暴犯野蠻到會做出這種事。
03:52
as to have done this terrible thing.
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03:54
And I said, "Pity?"
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我問:「可憐?」
03:56
And she said, "Yes,
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她說:「是啊,
因為他有這麼漂亮的女兒,
03:58
because he has a beautiful daughter and two beautiful grandchildren,
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以及兩位可愛的小孫子,
卻一點都不知道,而我知道。
04:03
and he doesn't know that,
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04:05
and I do.
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04:06
So as it turns out,
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所以我其實才是幸運的那一個。」
04:08
I'm the lucky one."
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04:12
Some of our struggles are things we're born to:
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我們面臨到的有些掙扎是天生的:
04:15
our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.
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性別、性向、種族、殘疾。
04:21
And some are things that happen to us:
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有些則是後天的:
04:23
being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,
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政治犯、性侵被害者、
04:27
being a Katrina survivor.
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卡崔娜颶風生還者。
04:29
Identity involves entering a community
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建立身分需要進到一個社群,
04:32
to draw strength from that community,
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從那社群中找尋力量,
04:35
and to give strength there, too.
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並給予社群力量。
04:37
It involves substituting "and" for "but" --
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需要用「而且」代替「但是」,
不要說:「我還活著,但我患有癌症。」
04:42
not "I am here but I have cancer,"
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04:46
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."
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而是說:「我患有癌症,而我還活著。」
04:51
When we're ashamed, we can't tell our stories,
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當我們羞愧的時候,
我們就無法述說自己的故事,
04:55
and stories are the foundation
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而這些故事正是身分的基礎。
04:58
of identity.
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05:00
Forge meaning,
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鑄造意義、建立身分;
05:02
build identity.
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鑄造意義、建立身分。
05:04
Forge meaning and build identity.
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這變成了我的咒語。
05:08
That became my mantra.
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鑄造意義是關於改變自己;
05:10
Forging meaning is about changing yourself.
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05:13
Building identity is about changing the world.
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建立身分是關於改變世界。
05:17
All of us with stigmatized identities face this question daily:
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身分被汙名化的所有人
每天都面對這個問題:
為了融入社會
05:22
How much to accommodate society by constraining ourselves,
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要限制自己多少?
05:26
and how much to break the limits
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要打破多少限制
05:29
of what constitutes a valid life?
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才能活出一個真正的人生?
鑄造意義和建立身分
05:32
Forging meaning and building identity
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05:35
does not make what was wrong right.
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並不會顛倒是非,
05:38
It only makes what was wrong precious.
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只會讓錯變得更寶貴。
今年一月
05:43
In January of this year,
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05:45
I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,
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我到緬甸訪問政治犯。
05:49
and I was surprised to find them less bitter than I'd anticipated.
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我感到意外的是,
他們比我想像中的還怡然自得。
05:53
Most of them had knowingly committed the offenses
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大部分的政治犯 明知道他們所犯下的罪
05:56
that landed them in prison,
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會讓他們進監獄,
05:58
and they had walked in with their heads held high,
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但仍昂首地走進獄中,
06:01
and they walked out with their heads still held high,
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多年後同樣
昂首地走出來。
06:05
many years later.
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06:07
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist
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馬蒂妲醫生是人權積極分子,
她差點死在監獄中,
06:11
who had nearly died in prison
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06:12
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,
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且有好幾年都在單獨監禁中度過。
06:15
told me she was grateful to her jailers for the time she had had to think,
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她告訴我,她很感激那些獄吏
讓她有時間思考、
06:21
for the wisdom she had gained,
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讓她更有智慧、
06:23
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.
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讓她有機會增進冥想技巧。
06:27
She had sought meaning
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她也尋求這其中的意義,
06:29
and made her travail into a crucial identity.
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並將痛苦轉為很重要的一種身分。
06:33
But if the people I met were less bitter than I'd anticipated
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但如果我遇見的這些人
對於身在監獄
06:37
about being in prison,
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比我想像中的更加泰然,
06:38
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected
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那他們也比我預料中的更不期待
06:41
about the reform process going on in their country.
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他們國家所經歷的改革過程。
06:45
Ma Thida said,
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馬蒂妲說:
06:46
"We Burmese are noted for our tremendous grace under pressure,
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「我們緬甸人很著名的是
面對壓力時所展現的無比優雅,
06:51
but we also have grievance under glamour."
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但在我們的光環底下也有委屈。」
06:56
She said, "And the fact that there have been these shifts and changes
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她說:「而事實是,
這些轉換和改變
07:00
doesn't erase the continuing problems in our society
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並不會消弭我們社會中
一直存在的問題,
我們在監獄中的時候,
07:04
that we learned to see so well while we were in prison."
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把這些問題都看清了。」
07:08
I understood her to be saying
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我認為她的意思是
07:10
that concessions confer only a little humanity
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在人性需要真正能顯現的地方,
妥協只賦予一丁點人性,
07:14
where full humanity is due;
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07:16
that crumbs are not the same as a place at the table.
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就像給人麵包屑,
不等於可以坐上桌一樣。
07:20
Which is to say,
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也就是說,你可以鑄造意義
07:21
you can forge meaning and build identity
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並建立身分,
07:25
and still be mad as hell.
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同時還是滿腔怒火。
我沒有被強暴過,
07:29
I've never been raped,
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07:31
and I've never been in anything remotely approaching a Burmese prison.
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也從來沒有做過任何
會被關進緬甸監獄的事。
但身為同性戀的美國人,
07:36
But as a gay American,
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我經歷過偏見甚至仇恨,
07:38
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,
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我鑄造過意義也建立過身分,
07:42
and I've forged meaning
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07:44
and I've built identity,
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07:46
which is a move I learned from people
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這是我從那些
07:48
who had experienced far worse privation than I've ever known.
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比我經歷過更糟糕處境的人身上 學到的對策。
我自己的青少年時期,
07:54
In my own adolescence,
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07:55
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.
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也曾為了改變性向而做出極端之舉。
我參與了一種
07:59
I enrolled myself in something called "sexual surrogacy therapy,"
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性向替代療法。
08:03
in which people I was encouraged to call doctors
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裡面有所謂的醫生,
需要做所謂的療法,
08:07
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises
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對象是所謂的女性代理人,
08:11
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,
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08:14
who were not exactly prostitutes
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這些代理人不算妓女,
但也不算是其他別的。
08:17
but who were also not exactly anything else.
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(笑聲)
08:20
(Laughter)
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08:24
My particular favorite was a blonde woman from the Deep South
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我最喜歡的代理人
是一位來自南方腹地的金髮女人,
08:28
who eventually admitted to me that she was really a necrophiliac,
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後來終於跟我承認
她有戀屍癖,
08:32
and had taken this job after she got in trouble
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她之所以會做這份工作,
是因為她在停屍間遇到了點麻煩。
08:35
down at the morgue.
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08:37
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
08:43
These experiences eventually allowed me to have
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這種經驗終究讓我
08:46
some happy physical relationships with women,
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跟女性有種蠻愉悅的肢體關係,
08:49
for which I'm grateful.
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對此我很感激,
但我陷入與自己的戰爭中,
08:51
But I was at war with myself,
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08:53
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.
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也在我心底埋下很深的創傷。
08:58
We don't seek the painful experiences
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我們並不找尋
會鑿開身分的痛苦經驗,
09:01
that hew our identities,
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09:04
but we seek our identities
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但我們尋找的身分
是尾隨痛苦經驗而來的。
09:06
in the wake of painful experiences.
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09:09
We cannot bear a pointless torment,
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我們無法承受無意義的折磨,
09:12
but we can endure great pain
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但我們可以忍受極大的痛苦,
只要我們相信這是有意義的。
09:15
if we believe that it's purposeful.
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09:17
Ease makes less of an impression on us
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泰然在我們身上留下的印記
09:20
than struggle.
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比掙扎更淺。
09:21
We could have been ourselves without our delights,
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沒有喜樂我們還是可以做自己,
09:24
but not without the misfortunes that drive our search for meaning.
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但沒了驅使我們
找尋意義的厄運那就做不到。
09:29
"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"
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「因此,我以軟弱為歡喜,」
聖保羅在哥林多後書裡寫道,
09:33
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,
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09:35
"for when I am weak, then I am strong."
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「因為當我軟弱時,我就能變得剛強。」
1988 年,我去了莫斯科
09:40
In 1988, I went to Moscow to interview artists
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訪問蘇聯地鐵的藝術家,
09:44
of the Soviet underground.
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我期望他們的作品是
09:46
I expected their work to be dissident and political.
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充滿異議及政治的。
09:50
But the radicalism in their work
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但他們作品中的激進
09:52
actually lay in reinserting humanity into a society
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其實是為了將人性重放回社會中,
09:56
that was annihilating humanity itself,
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因為這個社會正在泯滅人性,
09:58
as, in some senses, Russian society is now doing again.
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某些方面看來,
這樣的事在俄羅斯社會正在重演。
其中一位藝術家告訴我:
10:03
One of the artists I met said to me,
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10:05
"We were in training to be not artists but angels."
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「我們被訓練做天使,而非藝術家」。
1991 年,我又回去
10:10
In 1991, I went back to see the artists I'd been writing about,
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見了這些我筆下的藝術家,
10:14
and I was with them during the putsch that ended the Soviet Union.
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當推翻蘇聯的政變發生時,
我正與他們在一起,
10:19
And they were among the chief organizers of the resistance to that putsch.
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他們也與推動政變的主要發起人一起。
10:23
And on the third day of the putsch,
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政變第三天,
10:27
one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.
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有人建議我們走到斯摩棱斯克。
10:30
And we went there,
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我們到那時,
在路障前面找個位置待著。
10:32
and we arranged ourselves in front of one of the barricades,
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一會兒過後,
10:35
and a little while later,
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10:36
a column of tanks rolled up.
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一排坦克車過來,
10:38
And the soldier on the front tank said,
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第一輛坦克車上的士兵說:
「我們有令,
10:41
"We have unconditional orders to destroy this barricade.
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不論如何都要破壞這些柵欄。
10:45
If you get out of the way, we don't need to hurt you.
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如果你們現在讓開,
那我們就不會傷害你們。
但如果你們不走,
10:48
But if you won't move, we'll have no choice but to run you down."
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我們只能將你們輾過去,別無他擇。」
10:51
The artist I was with said, "Give us just a minute.
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我身邊的藝術家就說:
「給我們一分鐘,
就一分鐘,述說我們來此的原因。」
10:55
Give us just a minute to tell you why we're here."
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3424
10:59
And the soldier folded his arms,
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那位士兵雙手在胸前交叉,
11:01
and the artist launched into a Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy
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然後藝術家唸了傑佛遜的民主頌詞,
我們這些
11:06
such as those of us who live in a Jeffersonian democracy
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3755
住在傑佛遜式民主國家的人
11:09
would be hard-pressed to present.
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都還唸不出來的頌詞。
11:12
And they went on and on,
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1915
他們一直說下去,
11:14
and the soldier watched.
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而士兵也看著,
11:16
And then he sat there for a full minute after they were finished
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他聽完後,
在那裡坐滿一分鐘,
就在雨中看著滿是泥濘的我們,
11:20
and looked at us, so bedraggled in the rain,
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11:22
and said, "What you have said is true,
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4102
說道:
「你們說的是事實,
11:26
and we must bow to the will of the people.
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2675
而我們必須遵從人民的意志。
如果你們願意讓路讓我們掉頭,
11:30
If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,
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11:32
we'll go back the way we came."
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1854
那我們會照原路回去。」
他們也確實這麼做了。
11:35
And that's what they did.
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11:37
Sometimes, forging meaning can give you the vocabulary you need
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有時候,鑄造意義
可以給你所需的詞彙,
讓你爭取最終的自由。
11:42
to fight for your ultimate freedom.
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1936
11:45
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion
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2836
俄羅斯讓我想到檸檬汁的概念,
11:48
that oppression breeds the power to oppose it.
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壓榨只會助長反對勢力,
11:50
And I gradually understood that as the cornerstone of identity.
215
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4700
而我漸漸了解
這就是身分的基石。
身分將我從悲傷中拯救出來。
11:56
It took identity to rescue me from sadness.
216
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12:00
The gay rights movement posits a world
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在同志權運動所設想的世界裡,
12:02
in which my aberrances are a victory.
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2373
我的缺陷是種勝利。
12:05
Identity politics always works on two fronts:
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身分政治總有兩個目標:
12:09
to give pride to people who have a given condition or characteristic,
220
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4579
讓有特殊情況或特徵的人自豪,
12:13
and to cause the outside world to treat such people
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2835
以及讓外面的世界
以更溫和的方式善待那些人。
12:16
more gently and more kindly.
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1782
這是兩種很不同的目標,
12:19
Those are two totally separate enterprises,
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3257
12:22
but progress in each sphere reverberates in the other.
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3396
但不管是哪一邊的進展,
都能在另一邊得到回響。
12:26
Identity politics can be narcissistic.
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3027
身分政治也可以是很自戀的。
12:30
People extol a difference only because it's theirs.
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人們吹捧與眾不同, 只因為他們就是如此。
12:33
People narrow the world and function in discrete groups
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人們窄化個別群體的世界及功能,
12:37
without empathy for one another.
228
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對他人沒有同理心。
12:39
But properly understood and wisely practiced,
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但只要充分理解
並聰明執行,
12:43
identity politics should expand our idea of what it is to be human.
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4208
身分政治應該可以
擴展我們對於人性的想法。
身分本身
12:48
Identity itself should be not a smug label or a gold medal,
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不應該是沾沾自喜的標籤,
也不該是金牌,
12:54
but a revolution.
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而是革命。
12:56
I would have had an easier life if I were straight,
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如果我是異性戀,那我的生活會輕鬆些,
13:00
but I would not be me.
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但那就不會是我了。
13:02
And I now like being myself better
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2677
現在,我更喜歡做自己,
13:04
than the idea of being someone else,
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2110
而非成為其他人的想法,
老實說那樣的人,
13:07
someone who, to be honest,
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1625
13:08
I have neither the option of being nor the ability fully to imagine.
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3894
我不只根本當不成,
也無法想像他們的生活。
13:13
But if you banish the dragons, you banish the heroes,
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但如果你驅除惡龍,
你也驅逐了英雄,
13:17
and we become attached to the heroic strain in our own lives.
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3779
我們也會變得依賴
自己生命中英雄特質。
13:22
I've sometimes wondered
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1377
我有時候會想
13:23
whether I could have ceased to hate that part of myself
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2759
我有沒有辦法停止憎恨那部分的自己,
13:26
without gay pride's technicolor fiesta,
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不需藉由同志自豪日的豔麗慶典,
13:29
of which this speech is one manifestation.
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而這場演講就是其中一種表現方式。
13:32
(Laughter)
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812139
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13:33
I used to think I would know myself to be mature
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我之前認為自己真正成長的時候,
13:36
when I could simply be gay without emphasis.
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就是我能不多強調 自己同志身分地當同志,
13:39
But the self-loathing of that period left a void,
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3802
但那時期的自我厭惡
留下了一塊空白,
13:43
and celebration needs to fill and overflow it,
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3254
需要歡樂的事來填滿它,
13:46
and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy,
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3836
但即使我還清自己的悲傷債,
13:50
there's still an outer world of homophobia
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2891
外面還是有恐懼同志的世界,
13:53
that it will take decades to address.
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2100
這需要幾十年的時間解決。
13:56
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,
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3268
有一天,
當同性戀只會是個簡單的事實,
13:59
free of party hats and blame.
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2301
沒有區分與指責。
14:02
But not yet.
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但這天還沒到。
我有個朋友覺得
14:04
A friend of mine who thought gay pride was getting very carried away with itself,
256
844602
4173
同志自豪日好像辦得越來越過火,
14:08
once suggested that we organize Gay Humility Week.
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然後建議我們舉辦
同志謙遜週。
14:12
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)(掌聲)
14:13
(Applause)
259
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4097
14:18
It's a great idea.
260
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1191
這想法很好,
14:19
(Laughter)
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但時候未到。
14:21
But its time has not yet come.
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1827
14:23
(Laughter)
263
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1961
(笑聲)
14:25
And neutrality, which seems to lie halfway between despair and celebration,
264
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5018
還有中立性,
看似就位在絕望與慶祝中間,
14:30
is actually the endgame.
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其實就是終局。
14:33
In 29 states in the US,
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2443
在美國的 29 州裡,
我可以被合法開除或拒絕居住,
14:36
I could legally be fired or denied housing
267
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3145
14:39
for being gay.
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1325
就因為我是同性戀。
14:41
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law
269
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2743
在俄羅斯,反宣傳法
導致有人在街頭被打死。
14:44
has led to people being beaten in the streets.
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2616
27 個非洲國家
14:47
Twenty-seven African countries have passed laws against sodomy.
271
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4851
通過了禁止肛交的法律。
而在奈及利亞,
14:52
And in Nigeria, gay people can legally be stoned to death,
272
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3736
同志可以合法地被投石致死,
14:55
and lynchings have become common.
273
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1943
私刑也越來越常見。
14:58
In Saudi Arabia recently,
274
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2074
最近在沙烏地阿拉伯,
15:00
two men who had been caught in carnal acts
275
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2873
兩名男子發生性行為被抓個正著,
15:03
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,
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4516
因此各被判七千下鞭刑,
導致他們現在終身殘廢。
15:08
and are now permanently disabled as a result.
277
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2559
15:11
So who can forge meaning
278
911337
2223
所以誰可以鑄造意義,
15:13
and build identity?
279
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1510
並建立身分?
同志權不只有婚姻權,
15:16
Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights,
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3475
15:19
and for the millions who live in unaccepting places
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3071
對於在其他不接受同性戀國家的上百萬人,
15:22
with no resources,
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1845
他們沒有資源,
15:24
dignity remains elusive.
283
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1818
也毫無尊嚴。
我很幸運可以鑄造意義
15:27
I am lucky to have forged meaning
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2580
並建立身分,
15:30
and built identity,
285
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1480
但這是很罕見的特權,
15:32
but that's still a rare privilege.
286
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1883
15:34
And gay people deserve more, collectively,
287
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2703
同性戀值得更多的公平正義,
15:37
than the crumbs of justice.
288
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2328
而不是那一丁點。
15:40
And yet,
289
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1403
但是這過程的每一步
15:42
every step forward is so sweet.
290
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2792
都很甜蜜。
15:45
In 2007, six years after we met,
291
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3869
2007 年,我們相識六年後,
15:49
my partner and I decided to get married.
292
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2828
我的伴侶和我
決定結婚。
15:53
Meeting John had been the discovery of great happiness
293
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4004
認識約翰,我找到了
幸福喜樂,
15:57
and also the elimination of great unhappiness.
294
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2868
也消除了很多過去的不幸福。
16:00
And sometimes, I was so occupied with the disappearance of all that pain,
295
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5065
有時候我腦子甚至會一直想著
那些痛苦的消失,
16:05
that I forgot about the joy,
296
965796
1765
而忘記那些喜樂,
因為那起初對我來說 並沒有那麼有印象。
16:08
which was at first the less remarkable part of it to me.
297
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2797
16:11
Marrying was a way to declare our love
298
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2607
結婚是種宣誓我們愛的方式,
16:14
as more a presence than an absence.
299
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2927
是證明其存在而非不存在。
16:18
Marriage soon led us to children,
300
978451
1959
婚姻很也快地帶來小孩子,
16:20
and that meant new meanings
301
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1542
這也就表示新的意義
16:22
and new identities -- ours and theirs.
302
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2931
與新的身分,我們和他們的身分。
16:26
I want my children to be happy,
303
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2169
我要我的孩子快快樂樂,
16:29
and I love them most achingly when they are sad.
304
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3024
他們難過時, 我對他們的愛也感受得到痛。
16:33
As a gay father, I can teach them to own what is wrong in their lives,
305
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4798
身為同性戀父親,我可以教他們
面對人生中出錯的部分,
16:38
but I believe that if I succeed in sheltering them from adversity,
306
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4089
但我相信,如果我成功地
保護他們免受逆境之苦,
16:42
I will have failed as a parent.
307
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1956
那我反而是個失敗的父親。
16:45
A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me
308
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2959
我認識的一位佛教學者告訴我,
16:48
that Westerners mistakenly think
309
1008813
2170
西方人錯誤地認為
極樂世界只會在
16:51
that nirvana is what arrives when all your woe is behind you,
310
1011007
4382
你所有的悲傷都被拋在腦後時出現,
16:55
and you have only bliss to look forward to.
311
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2549
所以你只要期盼喜樂就好。
但他說那樣就不是極樂世界了,
16:59
But he said that would not be nirvana,
312
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2142
17:01
because your bliss in the present
313
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2001
因為你當下的喜樂
17:03
would always be shadowed by the joy from the past.
314
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2885
總會被過去喜樂的陰影所蒙蔽。
17:06
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at
315
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2807
他說,極樂世界是
17:09
when you have only bliss to look forward to
316
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2596
當你以找尋喜樂為目標,
且從看似悲傷的情況中
17:12
and find in what looked like sorrows the seedlings of your joy.
317
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4671
找到喜樂的種子。
17:17
And I sometimes wonder
318
1037426
1752
我有時候會想
我能否在婚姻與兒女中找到滿足,
17:19
whether I could have found such fulfillment in marriage and children
319
1039202
3697
17:22
if they'd come more readily,
320
1042923
1565
如果他們能來得更加簡單,
如果我年輕時變成異性戀,
17:25
if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now,
321
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3931
或是現在還年輕,
17:29
in either of which cases this might be easier.
322
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2468
不管哪種情況,會不會變得更容易。
17:32
Perhaps I could.
323
1052585
1462
或許會吧。
或許我所想像的那些複雜內容
17:34
Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done
324
1054071
2207
17:36
could have been applied to other topics.
325
1056302
2275
可以適用在其他話題上。
17:38
But if seeking meaning matters more than finding meaning,
326
1058601
3653
但如果尋求意義
比找尋意義重要,
那問題不會是
17:42
the question is not whether I'd be happier for having been bullied,
327
1062278
4573
我被欺負時會不會快樂一點,
17:46
but whether assigning meaning to those experiences
328
1066875
3385
而是賦予意義
給那些經驗
17:50
has made me a better father.
329
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1697
能不能讓我成為更好的父親。
17:52
I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys,
330
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3836
我常在平凡的喜樂中 找到令人狂喜的事,
17:56
because I did not expect those joys to be ordinary to me.
331
1076738
3562
因為我並沒有想到那些喜樂
對我來說是平凡的。
我知道很多異性戀的人
18:01
I know many heterosexuals who have equally happy marriages and families,
332
1081265
4059
有很快樂的婚姻與家庭,
18:05
but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh,
333
1085348
2944
但同性戀婚姻有如一股清流,
同性戀家庭也很新穎,
18:08
and gay families so exhilaratingly new,
334
1088316
3317
18:11
and I found meaning in that surprise.
335
1091657
3097
在這樣的驚喜中,我也找到意義。
18:15
In October, it was my 50th birthday,
336
1095772
3490
我十月時度過 50 歲生日,
家人替我辦了慶生會。
18:19
and my family organized a party for me.
337
1099286
2542
18:22
And in the middle of it, my son said to my husband
338
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2785
到一半的時候,
我兒子告訴我丈夫,
18:25
that he wanted to make a speech.
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1747
他想要發表演講,
約翰告訴他:
18:27
And John said,
340
1107000
1158
18:28
"George, you can't make a speech. You're four."
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4059
「喬治,你不會演講啦,你才四歲。」
18:32
(Laughter)
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1681
(笑聲)
18:33
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I are going to make speeches tonight."
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4521
「只有爺爺、大衛叔叔和我
今晚可以演講。」
18:38
But George insisted and insisted,
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2595
但喬治不斷堅持,
18:41
and finally, John took him up to the microphone,
345
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3448
約翰才終於把麥克風交給他,
18:44
and George said very loudly,
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2849
然後喬治很大聲地說:
18:47
"Ladies and gentlemen!
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2420
「各位先生女士,
18:49
May I have your attention, please?"
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2472
請大家注意我這邊。」
18:52
And everyone turned around, startled.
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2095
大家嚇了一跳,轉頭看他。
然後喬治說:
18:55
And George said,
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1311
18:57
"I'm glad it's daddy's birthday.
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1880
「我很高興今天是爸爸生日。
18:59
I'm glad we all get cake.
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1737
我很高興大家都有蛋糕。
爸爸,如果你現在還是小朋友,
19:03
And Daddy, if you were little,
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2445
那我願意當你的朋友。」
19:06
I'd be your friend."
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1380
19:07
(Gasp)
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1150
19:09
And I thought -- (Applause)
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1536
我想──謝謝。
19:11
Thank you.
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1151
我想我也要感謝
19:13
I thought that I was indebted even to Bobby Finkel,
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3688
巴比.芬可,
19:16
because all those earlier experiences
359
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2642
因為過去的那些經驗
19:19
were what had propelled me to this moment,
360
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2415
才讓我有現在這一刻,
19:21
and I was finally unconditionally grateful
361
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2509
我終於能夠無條件地感激現在的生活,
19:24
for a life I'd once have done anything to change.
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3154
這個我曾經願意不顧一切改變的人生。
19:28
The gay activist Harvey Milk was once asked by a younger gay man
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4237
同性戀積極分子哈維.米爾克
曾經被年輕的同性戀男子問,
19:32
what he could do to help the movement,
364
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2080
他能做什麼幫忙同性戀活動。
哈維.米爾克回答:
19:35
and Harvey Milk said,
365
1175084
1594
19:36
"Go out and tell someone."
366
1176702
1587
「走出去告訴別人吧。」
總是會有人
19:39
There's always somebody who wants to confiscate our humanity.
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3499
想要奪走我們的人性,
但也總是有重建人性的故事。
19:43
And there are always stories that restore it.
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2255
19:45
If we live out loud,
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1555
如果我們活得精彩,
19:47
we can trounce the hatred,
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1997
我們就能擊敗怨恨
並充實每個人的生活。
19:49
and expand everyone's lives.
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2206
19:52
Forge meaning.
372
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1216
鑄造意義;建立身分。
19:54
Build identity.
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1358
19:56
Forge meaning.
374
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1562
鑄造意義;
19:58
Build identity.
375
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1986
建立身分。
然後邀請全世界
20:01
And then invite the world to share your joy.
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2907
來分享你的喜悅。
20:04
Thank you.
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1199
謝謝。
20:05
(Applause)
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3018
(掌聲)
20:08
Thank you.
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1218
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:10
(Applause)
380
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2018
20:12
Thank you.
381
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1179
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:13
(Applause)
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2698
20:16
Thank you.
383
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1153
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:17
(Applause)
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5031
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