A video game to cope with grief | Amy Green

翻译人员: Wei Wu 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang

Two months ago, my kids and I huddled around a cell phone

两月前，我和孩子们围着一个手机

watching the live stream of the Game Awards,

观看 Game Awards 直播，

one of the video game industry's biggest nights.

这是视频游戏行业的年度盛事之一。

They announced the nominees for the Game for Impact,

他们宣布了年度 最有影响力的游戏提名，

an award that's given to a thought-provoking video game

该奖项颁发给那些触动思想的游戏，

with a profound prosocial message or meaning.

引发了显著的积极的社会影响。

They opened the envelope

他们打开了信封，

and they read the title of our video game.

念出了我们的游戏的名字。

An award ...

最具……

for impact.

影响力奖。

It was almost funny, actually,

实际上想想非常好玩，

because I always thought that winning an award like that

因为我一直觉得赢得这样一个奖项

would have this huge impact on my life,

会对我的生活产生巨大的影响。

but I found that the opposite is true.

但是我发现恰恰相反。

The big nights,

那个夜晚，

the accomplishments --

这些成就——

they fade.

都消退了。

But the hardest nights of my life have stuck with me,

真正难忘的是那些最艰难的时光，

impacting who I am

影响了我对自我的定义，

and what I do.

也改变了我的行为方式。

In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.

2010年我的第三个儿子Joel被诊断出 一种罕见的、严重的脑瘤。

And before that year was finished,

那年年底的时候，

doctors sat my husband and I down

医生坐在我和我丈夫的身边

and let us know that his tumor had returned

告诉我们Joel的脑瘤复发了，

despite the most aggressive chemotherapy and radiation that they could offer him.

即使用最激进的放疗和 化疗方法也无济于事。

On that terrible night,

那个可怕的夜晚，

after learning that Joel had perhaps four months to live,

当我们知道Joel可能 只有四个月时间之后，

I cuddled up with my two older sons in bed --

在我哄我另外两个孩子睡觉的时候——

they were five and three at the time --

他们那时分别是五岁和三岁——

and I never really knew how much they understood,

我真的不知道他们能够理解多少，

so I started telling them a bedtime story.

所以我用床边故事的方式开始讲述。

I told them about this very brave knight named Joel

我讲述故事的主人公 是一个叫Joel的勇士，

and his adventure fighting a terrible dragon called cancer.

他的历险故事是去战胜一头可怕的 叫做癌症的巨龙。

Every night, I told them more of the story,

每天晚上我都把故事多讲述一点，

but I never let the story end.

但是我从未想过要结束这个故事。

I was just building up a context that they could understand

我创造了一个世界，让他们能够理解

and hoping that our prayers would be answered

并且希望我们的祈祷能够被应许，

and I would never have to tell them that that knight,

我永远不会告诉孩子们那个骑士，

who had fought so bravely,

那个勇敢拼搏的骑士

was done fighting

已经尽力了，

and could rest now, forever.

现在可以永远的安息。

Fortunately, I never did have to finish that bedtime story.

幸运的是我不需要结束 这个床边故事。

My children outgrew it.

我的孩子们已经长大了。

Joel responded better than anyone expected to palliative treatment,

Joel的治疗效果 超出了所有人的预期，

and so instead of months,

他坚持了不止几个月，

we spent years learning how to love our dying child with all of our hearts.

而是几年的时间让我们学会 如何全身心的和他相处。

Learning to recognize that shameful feeling

我们学会了正视自己的 让人惭愧的心态，

of holding back just a little love

希望能够爱得有所保留，

to try to spare ourselves just a little pain

这样在漫长的告别的道路上

somewhere further down the road.

留给我们的痛苦就会少一些。

We pushed past that self-preservation

我们克服了那种爱的保留，

because Joel was worth loving even if that love could crush us.

因为Joel值得我们去爱， 即使我们可能因此崩溃。

And that lesson of intense vulnerability has changed me ...

这种强烈的脆弱感改变了我——

more than any award ever could.

这是任何奖项都做不到的。

We started living like Joel could live,

我们开始按照Joel可能的方式来生活，

and we began developing a video game called "That Dragon, Cancer."

同时我们开始开发一款视频游戏， 叫做“巨龙：癌症”。

It was the story of Joel.

这是Joel的故事。

It was the story of hope in the shadow of death.

这是一个在死亡阴影下追寻希望的故事。

It was the story of faith

故事里有信念

and doubt,

和动摇，

and the realization that a wrestle with doubt is a part of faith --

以及意识到跟动摇做抗争 也是信念的一部分——

maybe the biggest part of it.

可能是最重要的一部分。

It was a story that began as a miracle

这个故事从一个奇迹开始，

and ended as a memorial.

以一座纪念碑结束。

(Music)

（音乐）

(Giggle)

（婴儿笑声）

(Clapping)

（拍手）

(Music)

（音乐）

（视频）爸爸：跳一跳～喜欢么？

(Video) Dad: Bouncing around, do you like that?

(Giggle)

（咯咯笑）

I love your giggle.

我喜欢你咯咯笑。

(Music)

（音乐）

(Giggle)

（咯咯笑）

[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]

[这是一段在死亡阴影下追寻希望的旅程]

[That Dragon, Cancer]

[巨龙，癌症]

(Music)

（音乐）

When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"

当你玩“巨龙，癌症”这个游戏的时候，

you're transformed into a witness of Joel's life,

你变成了Joel一生的见证者，

exploring an emotional landscape,

进入了我们的情感空间进行探索，

clicking to discover more of what we as a family felt and experienced.

通过点击发现更多我们做为一个家庭 感受和体验到的（情感）。

It feels a little bit like analyzing interactive poetry

这有点像是在分析感应诗，

because every game mechanic is a metaphor,

因为游戏的每个环节都是一个隐喻，

and so the more the player asks themselves

当玩家越频繁的好奇

what we as designers were trying to express and why,

游戏设计者的意图，以及原因，

the richer the experience becomes.

玩家的体验就更加丰富。

We took that vulnerability that Joel taught us,

我们展现了Joel带给我们的脆弱，

and we encoded the game with it.

并将其嵌入到了游戏中。

Players expect their video games to offer them branching narrative

玩家希望游戏能够提供多种剧情，

so that every decision that they make feels important

这样他们的每种选择都显得很重要，

and can change the outcome of the game.

可以改变游戏的最终结果。

We subverted that principle of game design,

我们抛弃了这个游戏设计的原理，

将玩家的选择进行了压缩，

collapsing the choices in on the player

so that they discover for themselves

这样玩家就会发现

that there is nothing that they can do that will change the outcome for Joel.

无论他们怎么选择，都不会 改变Joel的命运。

And they feel that discovery as deeply and desperately as we felt it

当玩家意识到的时候，他们会 感受到我们当时深深的绝望，

on nights when we held Joel in our arms praying for hours,

无数夜晚我们将Joel拥在怀中， 不停的祈祷，

stubbornly holding out hope for a grace that we could not create for ourselves.

固执地希望奇迹能够发生， 即使我们知道不会。

We'd all prefer to win,

我们都希望赢，

but when you discover that you can't win,

但是如果你发现根本赢不了的时候，

what do you value instead?

你会追求什么呢？

I never planned to write video games,

我从来没有想过要做这款游戏，

but these moments that really change our lives,

但是那些时光真的改变了我们的生活，

they often come as the result of our hardship -- and not our glory.

改变我们的往往是我们最困难的时光 ——而不是最荣耀的时刻。

When we thought that Joel could live,

当我们认为Joel可以挺过去时，

I left the game designing to my husband.

我将游戏的设计工作 转交给了我的丈夫。

I chimed in here and there

我只是提一些思路,

with a scene or two and some suggestions.

构思一两个场景并提一些建议。

But after the night that Joel died,

但是当那晚Joel离去之后，

the passion,

这股动力，

the possibility of sharing Joel's life through our video game --

将Joel的生活融入 我们的游戏的可能——

it was something that I couldn't resist.

这是我觉得必须要去做的。

I started writing more,

我开始更积极的参与，

I sat in on our team's design meetings,

我参加团队的设计讨论会，

I added more ideas and I helped direct scenes.

我提供了更多的想法 并指导了多个场景。

我发现做视频游戏就是在讲述故事，

And I discovered that creating a video game is telling a story,

but with an entirely new vocabulary.

只不过用完全不同的词汇。

All the same elements of imagination and symbolism are there,

想象力和表现形式的 基本元素都是一致的，

but they're just partnered with player agency

但是需要融入到游戏角色的设计

and system responsiveness.

和整体的感染力中。

It's challenging work.

挑战性非常大。

I have to think in a totally new way to do it,

我需要用全新的思维方式去做，

but I love it.

但是我喜欢。

And I wouldn't have known that without Joel.

没有Joel我无法接触到这些。

可能你们会有些吃惊，

Maybe you're a little surprised

by our choice to share our story of terminal cancer through a video game.

我们会选择在视频游戏中 分享晚期癌症的故事。

Perhaps you're even thinking like so many people before you:

或许你现在想的 跟之前很多人想的一样：

cancer is not a game.

癌症不是儿戏。

Well, tell that to any pediatric cancer parent

但是对于任何 子女得了癌症的父母而言，

that's ever taken an exam glove and blown it up into a balloon,

他们可能会把医疗手套吹成个大气球，

or transformed a syringe into a rocket ship,

可能用注射器做一个火箭飞船，

或是让他们的孩子骑在 静脉注射架上，在医院走廊上玩，

or let their child ride their IV pole through the hospital halls

like it was a race car.

就像赛车一样。

Because when you have children,

因为当你有了孩子的时候，

everything is a game.

做任何事都会变成游戏。

And when your young child experiences something traumatic,

尤其是当你的孩子 需要忍受痛苦的时候，

you work even harder to make sure that their life feels like a game

你会更加努力的 把这个过程做得更像是游戏，

because children naturally explore their worlds through play.

因为孩子天生是 通过游戏来理解这个世界的。

While cancer can steal many things from a family,

癌症会从家庭中偷走很多东西，

it shouldn't steal play.

玩耍不应该被偷走。

If you're listening to me and you're trying to imagine this family

如果你听我讲述的时候， 想象这个家庭，

that revolves entirely around a dying child,

当你想象一个将死的孩子 周围的一切，

and you can't imagine joy as part of that picture,

但你想象的画面中 没有快乐，

then we were right to share our story with you,

那么跟你分享我们的故事就很正确了，

because that season of our life was hard.

因为那个时候我们的生活非常艰难。

Unspeakably hard at times,

无法言表的艰难，

but it was also pure hope,

但是也有纯粹的希望，

deep love

深刻的爱，

and joy like I have never experienced since.

和我从未体验过的快乐。

Our video game was our attempt to share that world

我们的游戏希望分享我们经历的故事

with people who hadn't experienced it before,

给那些从未体验过的人，

because we never could imagine that world until it became ours.

因为我们在亲身经历之前 也从未想象过。

We made a video game that's hard to play.

我们的游戏玩起来很难。

It will never be a blockbuster.

它永远不会成为畅销游戏。

People have to prepare themselves to invest emotionally

人们玩之前需要做好投入情感的准备，

in a story that they know will break their hearts.

他们知道这个游戏将会让人心碎。

But when our hearts break,

但是当我们心碎了，

they heal a little differently.

愈合之后的心会有些许的不同。

My broken heart has been healing with a new and a deeper compassion --

一种新的和深刻的热情 治愈了我的伤痛——

a desire to sit with people in their pain,

我乐于坐在经历痛苦的人们身边，

to hear their stories and try to help tell them

倾听他们的故事，尽力帮助他们，

so that they know that they're seen.

让他们知道自己并不孤独。

On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer" won the Game for Impact Award,

在“巨龙：癌症”赢得最具影响力 大奖的那个晚上，

we cheered,

我们举杯庆祝，

we smiled and we talked about Joel

我们笑着聊起Joel，

and the impact he had on our life --

以及他对我们的生活的影响——

on all of those hard and hopeful nights that we shared with him

那些一起度过的艰难 又充满希望的夜晚，

when he changed our hearts

那些他改变了我们，

and taught us so much more about life and love and faith and purpose.

并且教会了我们那么多 爱与信念的人生哲理。

That award will never mean as much to me as even a single photograph of my son,

那个奖项对我的分量远不及 我孩子的一张照片，

but it does represent all of the people who his life has impacted,

但是它代表了所有那些 生活被改变了的人，

people I'll never meet.

那些我从未谋面的人。

They write me emails sometimes.

有时我会收到他们的邮件。

They tell me that they miss Joel, even though they never met him.

他们说他们想念Joel， 即使从未见过他。

They describe the tears that they've shed for my son,

他们跟我讲述他们为我的孩子流泪了，

and it makes my burden of grief just a little bit lighter

当我听到这些， 我承受的悲伤会减轻一些，

knowing that it's shared with a 10-year-old

当我知道一个10岁的孩子 通过youtube视频

watching a YouTube playthrough,

分享了这个故事，

or a doctor playing on his airplane with a smartphone,

或是一个医生在飞机上 用手机玩了这个游戏，

or a professor introducing Joel to her first-year philosophy students.

又或者听到一位教授向他的 一年级的新生介绍了Joel。

We made a video game that's hard to play.

我们制作了一款很难玩的游戏。

But that feels just right to me,

但是这正是我想要的，

because the hardest moments of our lives

因为我们生命中最艰难的时光

change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish.

改变了我们，让我们达到了 未有过的成就。

Tragedy has shifted my heart

悲剧改变了我的心扉，

more than any dream I could ever see come true.

让我从未想象过的梦得以成真。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）