A video game to cope with grief | Amy Green

Prevoditelj: Lucija Jelić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

Two months ago, my kids and I huddled around a cell phone

Prije 2 mjeseca, moja djeca i ja skupili smo se oko mobitela

watching the live stream of the Game Awards,

da bi gledali live prijenos Game Awards-a,

one of the video game industry's biggest nights.

jedne od najvećih noći za industriju video igrica.

They announced the nominees for the Game for Impact,

Objavili su sudionike nominirane za "Utjecajnu Igru,"

an award that's given to a thought-provoking video game

nagradu koja se dodjeljuje provokativnoj video igri

with a profound prosocial message or meaning.

s dubokom prosocijalnom porukom ili značenjem.

They opened the envelope

Otvorili su omotnicu

and they read the title of our video game.

i pročitali naslov naše video igre.

An award ...

Nagrada...

for impact.

za utjecaj.

It was almost funny, actually,

Zapravo, bilo je skoro smiješno

because I always thought that winning an award like that

jer sam uvijek mislila da će osvajanje takve nagrade

would have this huge impact on my life,

imati nekakav veliki utjecaj na moj život,

but I found that the opposite is true.

ali istina je zapravo potpuno suprotna.

The big nights,

Velike noći,

the accomplishments --

postignuća --

they fade.

blijede.

But the hardest nights of my life have stuck with me,

Ali najteže noći u mom životu su zapele samnom,

impacting who I am

utjecajući na ono tko sam ja

and what I do.

i što radim.

In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.

U 2010., mom trećem sinu, Joelu, dijagnosticiran je rijedak i agresivan tumor na mozgu.

And before that year was finished,

I prije kraja te godine,

doctors sat my husband and I down

liječnici su sjeli samnom i mužem

and let us know that his tumor had returned

kako bi nam rekli da se tumor vratio

despite the most aggressive chemotherapy and radiation that they could offer him.

usprkos najagresivnijoj kemoterapiji i radijaciji koje su nam mogli ponuditi.

On that terrible night,

Te užasne noći,

after learning that Joel had perhaps four months to live,

nakon saznanja da Joelu možda preostaje 4 mjeseca života,

I cuddled up with my two older sons in bed --

zagrlila sam svoja dva starija sina u krevetu --

they were five and three at the time --

tada su imali pet i tri godine --

and I never really knew how much they understood,

i nikad zapravo nisam znala koliko oni razumiju,

so I started telling them a bedtime story.

pa sam im počela pričati priču za laku noć.

I told them about this very brave knight named Joel

Pričala sam im o tom jako hrabrom vitezu Joelu

and his adventure fighting a terrible dragon called cancer.

i njegovoj avanturi u borbi protiv strašnog zmaja koji se zvao tumor.

Every night, I told them more of the story,

Svake noći, ispričala sam im novi dio priče

but I never let the story end.

ali nisam dozvoljavala priči da završi.

I was just building up a context that they could understand

Samo sam gradila kontekst koji bi oni mogli razumjeti

and hoping that our prayers would be answered

nadajući se da će naše molitve biti uslišane

and I would never have to tell them that that knight,

i da im nikad neću morati reći da je vitez,

who had fought so bravely,

koji se tako hrabro borio,

was done fighting

bio gotov s borbom

and could rest now, forever.

i sada se zauvijek odmara.

Fortunately, I never did have to finish that bedtime story.

Na sreću, nikada nisam morala završiti priču za laku noć.

My children outgrew it.

Moja djeca su je prerasla.

Joel responded better than anyone expected to palliative treatment,

Joel je reagirao bolje nego što je itko očekivao na palijativni tretman,

and so instead of months,

pa smo umjesto nekoliko mjeseci,

we spent years learning how to love our dying child with all of our hearts.

proveli godine učeći kako voljeti naše umiruće dijete svim srcem.

Learning to recognize that shameful feeling

Učeći kako si priznati taj sramotni osjećaj

of holding back just a little love

držnja u rezervi samo malo ljubavi

to try to spare ourselves just a little pain

kako bi poštedili sebe samo malo boli

somewhere further down the road.

negdje dalje na tom putu.

We pushed past that self-preservation

Prešli smo preko tog samoodržanja

because Joel was worth loving even if that love could crush us.

jer je Joel zaslužio biti voljen iako bi nas ta ljubav mogla dokrajčiti.

And that lesson of intense vulnerability has changed me ...

I ta lekcija o ranjivosti promijenila me...

more than any award ever could.

više nego što bi ijedna nagrada mogla.

We started living like Joel could live,

Počeli smo živjeti kako bi Joel mogao živjeti,

and we began developing a video game called "That Dragon, Cancer."

i počeli smo razvijati video igricu nazvanu "Taj Zmaj, Tumor."

It was the story of Joel.

Bila je to priča o Joelu.

It was the story of hope in the shadow of death.

Bila je to priča o nadi u sjeni smrti.

It was the story of faith

Bila je to priča o vjeri

and doubt,

i sumnji,

and the realization that a wrestle with doubt is a part of faith --

i saznanju da je borba sa sumnjom dio vjere --

maybe the biggest part of it.

možda njen najveći dio.

It was a story that began as a miracle

Bila je to priča koja je počela kao čudo

and ended as a memorial.

i završila kao spomen.

(Music)

(Glazba)

(Giggle)

(Kikotanje)

(Clapping)

(Pljeskanje)

(Music)

(Glazba)

(Video) Dad: Bouncing around, do you like that?

(Video) Tata: Skakanje naokolo, sviđa ti se to?

(Giggle)

(Kikotanje)

I love your giggle.

Volim tvoje kikotanje.

(Music)

(Glazba)

(Giggle)

(Kikotanje)

[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]

[Putovanje Nade u Sjeni Smrti)

[That Dragon, Cancer]

[Taj Zmaj, Tumor]

(Music)

(Glazba)

When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"

Kada počnete igrati "Taj Zmaj, Tumor,"

you're transformed into a witness of Joel's life,

transformirani ste u svjedoka Joelova života,

exploring an emotional landscape,

koji istražuje emocionalan krajolik

clicking to discover more of what we as a family felt and experienced.

i klika kako bi otkrio što više onoga što smo mi kao obitelj iskusili.

It feels a little bit like analyzing interactive poetry

Pomalo podsjeća na analiziranje interaktivne poezije

because every game mechanic is a metaphor,

jer je svaki mehanizam metafora,

and so the more the player asks themselves

pa tako, što se igrač više pita,

what we as designers were trying to express and why,

što smo mi kao kreatori htjeli izraziti i zašto,

the richer the experience becomes.

to je njegovo iskustvo bogatije.

We took that vulnerability that Joel taught us,

Uzeli smo tu ranjivost kojoj nas je Joel naučio,

and we encoded the game with it.

i njome šifrirali igricu.

Players expect their video games to offer them branching narrative

Igrači očekuju od video igrica razgranate priče

so that every decision that they make feels important

zato da bi se svaka odluka koju donose činila važnom

and can change the outcome of the game.

i mogla promijeniti ishod igre.

We subverted that principle of game design,

Srušili smo princip dizajna igrice,

collapsing the choices in on the player

ostavljajući sve izbore igračima

so that they discover for themselves

kako bi sami otkrili

that there is nothing that they can do that will change the outcome for Joel.

da ne mogu ništa učiniti što bi promijenilo Joelov ishod.

And they feel that discovery as deeply and desperately as we felt it

I onda bi osjetili to saznanje jednako duboko i očajno kao i mi

on nights when we held Joel in our arms praying for hours,

u onim noćima kada smo Joela satima držali u naručju i molili,

stubbornly holding out hope for a grace that we could not create for ourselves.

tvrdoglavo se nadajući milosti koju nismo mogli sami sebi stvoriti.

We'd all prefer to win,

Svi smo htjeli pobijediti,

but when you discover that you can't win,

ali kad otkriješ da ne možeš pobijediti,

what do you value instead?

što drugo onda cijeniš?

I never planned to write video games,

Nikada nisam planirala da ću pisati video igre,

but these moments that really change our lives,

ali ovi trenuci koji su zaista promijenili naše živote,

they often come as the result of our hardship -- and not our glory.

najčešće dolaze kao rezultat naših muka -- ne naše slave.

When we thought that Joel could live,

Kada smo mislili da bi Joel mogao živjeti,

I left the game designing to my husband.

ostavila sam dizajniranje igrice svom mužu.

I chimed in here and there

Ja bih se uključila tu i tamo

with a scene or two and some suggestions.

s pokojom scenom i ponekim prijedlozima.

But after the night that Joel died,

Ali nakon noći u kojoj je Joel umro,

the passion,

strast,

the possibility of sharing Joel's life through our video game --

mogućnost da podijelim Joelov život kroz našu video igru --

it was something that I couldn't resist.

je bila nešto čemu se nisam mogla oduprijeti.

I started writing more,

Počela sam još više pisati,

I sat in on our team's design meetings,

sjedila sam na sastancima za dizajn s našim timom.

I added more ideas and I helped direct scenes.

Dodala sam još ideja i pomogla pri režiranju scena.

And I discovered that creating a video game is telling a story,

I otkrila sam da je stvaranje video igre kao pričanje priče,

but with an entirely new vocabulary.

ali s potpuno novim rječnikom.

All the same elements of imagination and symbolism are there,

Svi oni isti elementi mašte i simbolike su prisutni,

but they're just partnered with player agency

ali su samo spojeni s djelovanjem igrača

and system responsiveness.

i odgovaranjem sistema.

It's challenging work.

To je izazovan posao.

I have to think in a totally new way to do it,

Moram razmišljati na potpuno nov način za to,

but I love it.

ali sviđa mi se to.

And I wouldn't have known that without Joel.

I nebi to znala da nije bilo Joela.

Maybe you're a little surprised

Možda ste malo iznenađeni

by our choice to share our story of terminal cancer through a video game.

našim izborom da podijelimo našu priču o terminalnom tumoru kroz video igru.

Perhaps you're even thinking like so many people before you:

Možda čak razmišljate kao mnogi ljudi prije vas:

cancer is not a game.

tumor nije igra.

Well, tell that to any pediatric cancer parent

Pa, recite to bilo kojem roditelju djeteta s tumorom

that's ever taken an exam glove and blown it up into a balloon,

koji je nekad uzeo rukavice za pregled i napuhao ih u balon,

or transformed a syringe into a rocket ship,

ili transformirao špricu u raketu,

or let their child ride their IV pole through the hospital halls

ili pustio svoje dijete da provoza svoj stalak s infuzijom kroz bolnicu

like it was a race car.

kao da je trkaći auto.

Because when you have children,

Jer kada volite djecu,

everything is a game.

sve je igra.

And when your young child experiences something traumatic,

I kada vaše malo dijete prolazi kroz nešto traumatično,

you work even harder to make sure that their life feels like a game

još više se trudite kako bi im njihovi životi još više izgledali kao igra

because children naturally explore their worlds through play.

jer je djeci prirodno da istražuju svijet kroz igru.

While cancer can steal many things from a family,

I dok tumor može ukrasti mnogo toga od obitelji,

it shouldn't steal play.

nebi trebao moći ukrasti igru.

If you're listening to me and you're trying to imagine this family

Ako me slušate i pokušavate zamisliti obitelj

that revolves entirely around a dying child,

koja se vrti u potpunosti oko umirućeg djeteta,

and you can't imagine joy as part of that picture,

i ne možete zamisliti sreću kao dio te slike,

then we were right to share our story with you,

onda je bio dobar potez podijeliti našu priču s vama,

because that season of our life was hard.

jer taj dio našeg života bio je težak.

Unspeakably hard at times,

Neopisivo težak ponekad,

but it was also pure hope,

ali opet pun nade,

deep love

duboke ljubavi,

and joy like I have never experienced since.

i radosti kakvu do tada nisam iskusila.

Our video game was our attempt to share that world

Naša video igra je naš pokušaj da podijelimo taj svijet

with people who hadn't experienced it before,

s ljudima koji to nikad prije nisu iskusili,

because we never could imagine that world until it became ours.

jer ni mi ga nismo mogli zamisliti dok nije postao naš.

We made a video game that's hard to play.

Napravili smo video igru koju je teško igrati.

It will never be a blockbuster.

Nikada neće biti blockbuster.

People have to prepare themselves to invest emotionally

Ljudi se moraju pripremiti na emocionalno ulaganje

in a story that they know will break their hearts.

u priču za koju znaju da će im slomiti srca.

But when our hearts break,

Ali kada se naša srca slome,

they heal a little differently.

ona zacijele malo drugačija.

My broken heart has been healing with a new and a deeper compassion --

Moje slomljeno srce zacjeljuje s novom i dubljom samilošću --

a desire to sit with people in their pain,

željom da sjednem s ljudima u njihovoj boli,

to hear their stories and try to help tell them

kako bi čula njihove priče i pokušala im pomoći reći

so that they know that they're seen.

da znaju da su viđeni.

On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer" won the Game for Impact Award,

U noći kada je "Taj Zmaj, Tumor" osvojio nagradu za Utjecajnu Igru,

we cheered,

razveselili smo se,

we smiled and we talked about Joel

osmjehnuli i razgovarali o Joelu

and the impact he had on our life --

i njegovom utjecaju na naše živote --

on all of those hard and hopeful nights that we shared with him

u svim onim teškim i noćima punim nade koje smo dijelili s njim

when he changed our hearts

kada je promijenio naša srca

and taught us so much more about life and love and faith and purpose.

i naučio nas toliko toga o životu i ljubavi i vjeri i svrsi.

That award will never mean as much to me as even a single photograph of my son,

Ta nagrada mi nikada neće značiti čak ni kao jedna fotografija moga sina,

but it does represent all of the people who his life has impacted,

ali predstavlja sve ljude na koje je njegov život utjecao,

people I'll never meet.

ljude koje ja nikada neću upoznati.

They write me emails sometimes.

Ponekad mi šalju mailove.

They tell me that they miss Joel, even though they never met him.

Kažu mi da im nedostaje Joel, iako ga nikada nisu upoznali.

They describe the tears that they've shed for my son,

Opisuju mi suze koje su prolili za mog sina

and it makes my burden of grief just a little bit lighter

i to čini moj teret tuge barem mrvicu lakšim

knowing that it's shared with a 10-year-old

kada znam da to dijelim s desetogodišnjakom

watching a YouTube playthrough,

koji gleda igricu na YouTubeu,

or a doctor playing on his airplane with a smartphone,

ili doktorom koji to igra u avionu na svom pametnom telefonu,

or a professor introducing Joel to her first-year philosophy students.

ili profesorom koji predstavlja Joela svojim studentima filozofije na 1. godini.

We made a video game that's hard to play.

Napravili smo video igru koju je teško igrati.

But that feels just right to me,

Ali meni se to čini potpuno ispravnim,

because the hardest moments of our lives

jer najteži trenuci u našim životima

change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish.

promijene nas više nego ijedan cilj koji bi ikada mogli ostvariti.

Tragedy has shifted my heart

Tragedija je preokrenula moje srce

more than any dream I could ever see come true.

više nego ijedan san koji bi mi se ikada mogao ostvariti.

Thank you.

Hvala Vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)