A video game to cope with grief | Amy Green

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Wilde Luo

Two months ago, my kids and I huddled around a cell phone

兩個月前，我和孩子們 貼在一塊手機螢幕前，

watching the live stream of the Game Awards,

觀看「年度遊戲獎」的直播。

one of the video game industry's biggest nights.

這是遊戲界意義最重大的夜晚之一，

They announced the nominees for the Game for Impact,

「最具影響力遊戲」的 提名名單被公佈了，

an award that's given to a thought-provoking video game

這個獎項被頒給引人深思、

with a profound prosocial message or meaning.

且深刻体现社會道德價值觀的電玩遊戲。

They opened the envelope

他們打開了信封，

and they read the title of our video game.

念出名字──那是我們創造的遊戲。

An award ...

一個最具影響力的獎項。

for impact.

It was almost funny, actually,

其實，這幾乎有點可笑，

because I always thought that winning an award like that

因為我一直以為，贏得這樣的獎項，

would have this huge impact on my life,

會對我的生活造成很大的影響，

but I found that the opposite is true.

但是我發現事實恰好相反。

The big nights,

那不凡的夜晚，

the accomplishments --

那傲人的成就，

they fade.

都會淡去。

But the hardest nights of my life have stuck with me,

但我人生中最難熬的那些夜晚 卻揮之不去，

impacting who I am

影響了我本身，

and what I do.

以及我的所做所為。

In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.

2010 年，我的第三個兒子喬爾

被診斷出一種罕見的侵襲性腦瘤。

And before that year was finished,

那年年底，

doctors sat my husband and I down

醫生要我和我的丈夫坐下，

and let us know that his tumor had returned

告訴我們，喬爾的腫瘤復發了，

despite the most aggressive chemotherapy and radiation that they could offer him.

最激進的化療和輻射治療， 也無濟於事。

On that terrible night,

在那個糟透的夜晚，

after learning that Joel had perhaps four months to live,

得知喬爾可能只剩下 四個月的壽命之後，

I cuddled up with my two older sons in bed --

我在床上摟著我的兩個大兒子，

they were five and three at the time --

他們那時分別是五歲和三歲，

and I never really knew how much they understood,

我從來不瞭解當時他們能明白什麽，

so I started telling them a bedtime story.

所以我開始講床邊故事給他們聽。

I told them about this very brave knight named Joel

我告訴他們， 有一個名叫喬爾的勇敢騎士，

and his adventure fighting a terrible dragon called cancer.

與名叫「癌症」的惡龍戰鬥的冒險故事。

Every night, I told them more of the story,

每晚，我一點一點把這個 故事講給他們聽，

but I never let the story end.

但是我一直不讓故事結束。

I was just building up a context that they could understand

我只是在建造一個 他們能理解的情境，

and hoping that our prayers would be answered

希望我們的禱告能有回響，

and I would never have to tell them that that knight,

希望我永遠不需要告訴他們，

who had fought so bravely,

那位勇敢戰鬥的騎士，

was done fighting

已經不再戰鬥了，

and could rest now, forever.

他可以休息了，歸於沉寂。

Fortunately, I never did have to finish that bedtime story.

幸運的是，我從來就沒有需要 給那個床邊故事作結，

My children outgrew it.

我的孩子長大了，不再需要它。

Joel responded better than anyone expected to palliative treatment,

喬爾在緩和治療（姑息治療）下 恢復得比大家預期的還要好，

and so instead of months,

所以他的壽命延長了，

we spent years learning how to love our dying child with all of our hearts.

比起幾個月，我們能用數年的時間，

學習如何全心全意去愛護 緩慢走向死亡的兒子。

Learning to recognize that shameful feeling

學習去認清那份羞愧感──

of holding back just a little love

在這旅程的深處，

to try to spare ourselves just a little pain

不敢愛得太深，

somewhere further down the road.

因為那樣實在太痛 ── 這懦弱令人羞愧。

We pushed past that self-preservation

我們掙扎著克服了這項自我保護，

because Joel was worth loving even if that love could crush us.

因為喬爾是值得愛的， 即使那份愛終會使我們心碎。

And that lesson of intense vulnerability has changed me ...

而那強烈的脆弱感磨練並改變了我，

more than any award ever could.

那影響遠遠大於任何榮譽。

We started living like Joel could live,

我們過上另一種日子── 就好像喬爾能存活一樣，

and we began developing a video game called "That Dragon, Cancer."

我們開始開發一個電玩遊戲 叫做《癌症似惡龍》，

It was the story of Joel.

那是屬於喬爾的傳記。

It was the story of hope in the shadow of death.

這個故事講述了籠罩在 死亡陰影下的希望。

It was the story of faith

這個故事關乎信念，

and doubt,

關乎懷疑，

and the realization that a wrestle with doubt is a part of faith --

關乎意識到：與懷疑搏鬥 本來就是信念的一部份──

maybe the biggest part of it.

也許是最主要的部份。

It was a story that began as a miracle

故事以奇蹟起始，

and ended as a memorial.

以懷念收尾。

(Music)

（音樂）

(Giggle)

（咯咯笑）

(Clapping)

（拍手）

(Music)

（音樂）

(Video) Dad: Bouncing around, do you like that?

（影片）爸爸：蹦蹦跳跳， 喜歡這樣嗎？

(Giggle)

（咯咯笑）

I love your giggle.

我喜歡你的笑聲。

(Music)

（音樂）

(Giggle)

（咯咯笑）

[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]

【在死亡陰影下， 一段關於希望的旅程】

[That Dragon, Cancer]

《癌症似惡龍》

(Music)

（音樂）

When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"

當你玩《癌症似惡龍》 這個遊戲時，

you're transformed into a witness of Joel's life,

你會轉變成為喬爾人生的見證人，

exploring an emotional landscape,

探索情緒的世界，

clicking to discover more of what we as a family felt and experienced.

透過點選來發現 我們身為家人的感受和經歷。

It feels a little bit like analyzing interactive poetry

這感覺有點像是品析互動的詩歌，

because every game mechanic is a metaphor,

因為每個遊戲機制都具有象徵含義，

and so the more the player asks themselves

所以，當玩家們自問：

what we as designers were trying to express and why,

我們這些設計師 想表達什麼？為什麼？

the richer the experience becomes.

問得越多，遊戲體驗就會越豐富、飽滿。

We took that vulnerability that Joel taught us,

我們把喬爾教我們的脆弱，

and we encoded the game with it.

編寫融入到遊戲當中。

Players expect their video games to offer them branching narrative

玩家會期望他們玩的遊戲 能提供多分支的故事線，

so that every decision that they make feels important

這樣他們會感到遊戲中的 每個選擇都很重要，

and can change the outcome of the game.

而且會影響遊戲的結果。

We subverted that principle of game design,

我們推翻了這條遊戲設計原則，

collapsing the choices in on the player

不再給予玩家們選擇的自由，

so that they discover for themselves

讓他們自己發現，

that there is nothing that they can do that will change the outcome for Joel.

他們對喬爾的結局愛莫能助。

And they feel that discovery as deeply and desperately as we felt it

他們覺得這個事實很沈重、很絕望，

就像在那個晚上，我們摟著喬爾，

on nights when we held Joel in our arms praying for hours,

禱告了幾個小時所感受到的一樣──

stubbornly holding out hope for a grace that we could not create for ourselves.

那時我們固執地希望能得到 上蒼那可望不可即的恩典。

We'd all prefer to win,

我們都喜歡做贏家，

but when you discover that you can't win,

但當你發現你贏不了，

what do you value instead?

繼而會重視什麼？

I never planned to write video games,

我從來沒有打算要開發電玩遊戲，

but these moments that really change our lives,

但那些時刻真的改變了我們的生命，

they often come as the result of our hardship -- and not our glory.

那些時刻通常伴隨著苦難而來， 而非榮耀。

When we thought that Joel could live,

當我們以為喬爾可倖存時，

I left the game designing to my husband.

我把遊戲設計工作丟給我丈夫。

I chimed in here and there

我只是偶爾插一下話，

with a scene or two and some suggestions.

做一兩個場景或給一些意見。

But after the night that Joel died,

但在喬爾過世的那個晚上之後，

the passion,

那股熱忱，

the possibility of sharing Joel's life through our video game --

那種「透過我們的電玩遊戲來 分享喬爾的一生」的可能性，

it was something that I couldn't resist.

我實在無法抗拒。

I started writing more,

我開始投入更多精力，

I sat in on our team's design meetings,

我出席我們團隊的設計會議，

I added more ideas and I helped direct scenes.

我構想出更多點子，協助指導場景的搭建。

And I discovered that creating a video game is telling a story,

我發現，創作一個電玩遊戲 就是在講述一個故事，

but with an entirely new vocabulary.

以一種全新的語言來表達。

All the same elements of imagination and symbolism are there,

那裏有著同樣的想像和象徵要素，

but they're just partnered with player agency

它們只是和遊戲設備，

and system responsiveness.

及遊戲系統響應，合併在一起。

It's challenging work.

這是很有挑戰性的工作。

I have to think in a totally new way to do it,

我得想出一個 全新的方式來完成它，

but I love it.

但我熱愛它。

And I wouldn't have known that without Joel.

若不是喬爾，我不會體會這些。

Maybe you're a little surprised

也許你有些訝異，

by our choice to share our story of terminal cancer through a video game.

我們會用電玩遊戲 來分享我們的抗癌故事，

Perhaps you're even thinking like so many people before you:

你甚至會想：「癌症哪是遊戲啊，」

cancer is not a game.

不只是你，很多人都這麼想。

那麼，去問問那些癌症兒童的父母，

Well, tell that to any pediatric cancer parent

that's ever taken an exam glove and blown it up into a balloon,

去問那些曾把手術手套 拿來當氣球吹，

or transformed a syringe into a rocket ship,

把注射器變成火箭船，

or let their child ride their IV pole through the hospital halls

或是讓孩子在醫院大廳騎著輸液架， 假裝在賽車的父母。

like it was a race car.

Because when you have children,

因為當你有孩子之後，

everything is a game.

一切都像是個遊戲。

And when your young child experiences something traumatic,

當你的小孩正經歷著創傷，

you work even harder to make sure that their life feels like a game

你會更努力想讓 他們的人生如同玩耍遊戲，

because children naturally explore their worlds through play.

因為孩子們如此自然地 透過玩樂來探索他們的世界。

While cancer can steal many things from a family,

雖然癌症會從一個家庭中 奪走很多東西，

it shouldn't steal play.

但我們不應讓它奪走玩樂。

If you're listening to me and you're trying to imagine this family

如果你正在傾聽， 並且在試著想像一個家庭，

that revolves entirely around a dying child,

以一個步向死亡的孩子 為中心的家庭，

and you can't imagine joy as part of that picture,

你無法想像這個畫面中 有著何種喜悅。

then we were right to share our story with you,

那麼我們的確應該 把我們的故事分享給你，

because that season of our life was hard.

因為我們的那段人生很難熬，

Unspeakably hard at times,

有時難熬到無法言喻，

but it was also pure hope,

但它又飽含著純粹的希望，

deep love

無比深刻的愛，

and joy like I have never experienced since.

以及我未嘗經歷過的喜悅。

Our video game was our attempt to share that world

我們試圖透過電玩遊戲 把那個世界分享給

with people who hadn't experienced it before,

不曾經歷過這些的人。

because we never could imagine that world until it became ours.

因為我們本來也無法感同身受， 直到它變成了我們的親身經歷。

We made a video game that's hard to play.

我們做了一款毫不輕鬆的電玩遊戲，

It will never be a blockbuster.

它永遠不會熱銷，

People have to prepare themselves to invest emotionally

玩家得要讓自己準備好 在情感上投入，

in a story that they know will break their hearts.

投入一個必定令人心碎的故事中。

But when our hearts break,

但當我們的心破碎並癒合，

they heal a little differently.

它們便不同於往昔。

My broken heart has been healing with a new and a deeper compassion --

我破碎的心癒合之後 有了新的且更深刻的同情心，

a desire to sit with people in their pain,

有了想與人共度痛苦的欲望，

to hear their stories and try to help tell them

想去傾聽他們的故事， 並試著去幫助他們，

so that they know that they're seen.

讓他們知道他們被人理解。

On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer" won the Game for Impact Award,

在「癌症似惡龍」 得了最具影響力獎的那個晚上，

we cheered,

我們歡呼，

we smiled and we talked about Joel

我們微笑，我們談論著喬爾，

and the impact he had on our life --

以及他對我們人生的影響──

on all of those hard and hopeful nights that we shared with him

我們與他共度的 那些難熬卻充滿希望的夜晚，

when he changed our hearts

他改變了我們的心，

and taught us so much more about life and love and faith and purpose.

讓我們更加深刻地體會 人生、愛、信念、以及目的。

That award will never mean as much to me as even a single photograph of my son,

那獎項對我的意義， 比不上我兒子的任何一張照片，

but it does represent all of the people who his life has impacted,

但那獎項的確代表了 被喬爾人生影響到的每個人，

people I'll never meet.

也許我從未見過他們。

They write me emails sometimes.

他們有時會寫電子郵件給我，

They tell me that they miss Joel, even though they never met him.

告訴我，雖然從來沒見過喬爾， 但他們想念他，

They describe the tears that they've shed for my son,

訴說他們為我兒子流下的眼淚，

and it makes my burden of grief just a little bit lighter

而聽說這個遊戲的錄影在 YouTube 上 被分享給一個十歲的孩子，

knowing that it's shared with a 10-year-old

也聽說有醫生在飛機上 用智慧手機玩這個遊戲，

watching a YouTube playthrough,

or a doctor playing on his airplane with a smartphone,

還有哲學教授把喬爾介紹 給她的一年級學生。

or a professor introducing Joel to her first-year philosophy students.

這些都讓我悲傷的重擔變得輕了一些。

We made a video game that's hard to play.

我們做了一款毫不輕鬆的遊戲，

But that feels just right to me,

但我感覺這麼做是對的，

because the hardest moments of our lives

因為我們人生中最困難的時刻，

change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish.

比任何別的成就更能改變我們。

Tragedy has shifted my heart

悲劇轉變了我的心，

more than any dream I could ever see come true.

比任何能成真的美夢 所帶來的轉變都還要更多。

Thank you.

謝謝大家。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）