What makes a friendship last? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

Transcriber:

I've moved about 20 times in my life.

翻译人员: Adrianna Cheah 校对人员: Helen Chang

在我人生中，我搬了大概20次家

And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country,

而每当我搬进一个新的邻里 新的城市，新的国家

it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind.

我发现维持一段友谊，越来越难

But right now,

可是现在

sustaining those friendships seems especially important

维持那些所谓的友谊似乎特别重要

and especially difficult.

也很困难

So I'm wondering what is manageable?

所以我在想，有什么可以做的

How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?

我该如何维持友情 而又不会过度的刻意

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

【我正常吗？与梦娜 查拉比】

To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources:

为了一探究竟 我找到了两个我最信任的资源：

data and my mum.

数据和我的妈妈

Now, since she hates being on camera,

由于我妈不喜欢在镜头前

this puppet is going to be as good as it gets.

就把这个玩偶当作事她吧

But before she weighs in,

可是提起她之前

I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart

我想看看研究显示友情事如何破裂的

in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.

以防我以后会陷入这些困境中

According to one study,

一项研究显示

friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity

大多数的友谊会解体是因为缺少机会

to meet, hang out and connect.

去见面，聚会与联系

Which may explain why, after a year of isolation,

这就可以解释为什么 一年间的独来独往

some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread.

有些友谊就像是挂在悬崖边一样

The same researcher made headlines

同样的研究也整理出了头条

with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.

每隔七年我们会失去一半的友谊

Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list,

在你想要狂刷你的通讯录之前

you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds.

你要知道，这也不是想象中那么严重

在那七年里

Over those seven years,

the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable.

我们的朋友圈其实也蛮稳定的

So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now,

假设现在你有20到30的好朋友

seven years later,

七年后

you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends.

你还是会有20到30的好朋友

The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different.

不一样的是 当中有52%的脸孔会是不一样的

Over seven years,

在过去的七年里

we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.

我们会在我们区块里的人 替代很多新的人

As someone who has had to work more and more from home,

那些越来越在家中工作的人

the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited.

有机会出去认识新朋友的几率 是很有限的

It's a luxury I don't often have.

这是我没有的一种奢望

And the research on the formation of new friends

研究显示在建立一段新的友谊

suggest that this takes time.

是需要时间的

A lot of time.

很多的时间

A recent study found

在近期的研究发现

that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone

你必须和另一个人相处 40到60小时后

before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend.

才能从相识到普通朋友

They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend

他们会升华至完全熟悉的朋友

around 80 to 100 hours,

需要大概80到100个小时

and get elevated to a best friend

而要升华成好朋友

after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.

需要花至少200个小时的时间相处

And the emphasis here is on quality time.

而其中的重点在于相处时间

You might say "hi" to a barista every morning

每天早上你可能会 对一位咖啡师说句“你好”

or be polite to a coworker,

或者礼貌对待同事

but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.

但你未必会邀请他们去你家共进晚餐

I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers

我开始对这些数目望而却步

until I spoke to my mum,

直到我告诉了妈妈

who has a more optimistic take on all of this.

她对这一方面比较乐观

"A friendship is essential in your life.

“友情在你的人生当中固然重要，

How does friendship start?

友情是如何滋生的？

The first thing is to know that person.

首先你要了解那个人

If you don't want to know these people,

如果你不想要了解那些人

if you don't open a window of communication,

如果你不打开沟通之窗

you will never become friends of them.

你是无法成为他们的朋友的

You have to start.

你需要先开始

If you want to be isolated,

如果你喜欢独处

you just shut your windows and look at them,

你就把窗口关上，静静看着他们

and they don't look at you."

他们是不会看到你的。”

OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship,

好，如果我非常非常想要 一段新的友谊

I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say,

我可以出门然后多主动一些，比如

knocking on my neighbor's door,

敲敲我邻居的门

who plays really good music a bit too loudly.

就是那个玩音乐很棒 却又有点大声的那位

But what about my current group of friends?

不过我现在的那群朋友呢？

Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance

是不是就只能这样了 如果我们都没有机会

to hang out like we used to?

想以前一样常常聚在一起？

"I think yes, with the friends,

“我想是吧，和那些朋友

the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them.

那距离只会越来越远 如果你不再和他们相见

But it also shows you the ones

但这也会让你看到那些

that don't disappear because of the time or the distance.

不会因为时间和距离而消散的朋友

They will be there for you if you need them.

他们会在你需要的时候一直在的

So the special friends.

那些特别的朋友

And this difficult time shows you who cares

这段困苦的日子会让人知道 谁是在乎你的

and who is a good person or a good friend."

谁才是好人或者一个好朋友”

I think she's right.

我觉得她说的对

I don't think there's a magical formula

并没有一个魔法公式

or a mythical number of hours to chase.

或者追逐一定的数目

This just takes time and effort.

这是需要时间和精力

So if you'll excuse me,

所以恕我冒昧

I have a good friend that I need to call.

我有个好朋友需要去通话