What makes a friendship last? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

Transcriber:

I've moved about 20 times in my life.

And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country,

it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind.

But right now,

sustaining those friendships seems especially important

and especially difficult.

So I'm wondering what is manageable?

How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources:

data and my mum.

Now, since she hates being on camera,

this puppet is going to be as good as it gets.

But before she weighs in,

I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart

in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.

According to one study,

friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity

to meet, hang out and connect.

Which may explain why, after a year of isolation,

some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread.

The same researcher made headlines

with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.

Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list,

you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds.

Over those seven years,

the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable.

So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now,

seven years later,

you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends.

The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different.

Over seven years,

we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.

As someone who has had to work more and more from home,

the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited.

It's a luxury I don't often have.

And the research on the formation of new friends

suggest that this takes time.

A lot of time.

A recent study found

that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone

before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend.

They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend

around 80 to 100 hours,

and get elevated to a best friend

after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.

And the emphasis here is on quality time.

You might say "hi" to a barista every morning

or be polite to a coworker,

but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.

I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers

until I spoke to my mum,

who has a more optimistic take on all of this.

"A friendship is essential in your life.

How does friendship start?

The first thing is to know that person.

If you don't want to know these people,

if you don't open a window of communication,

you will never become friends of them.

You have to start.

If you want to be isolated,

you just shut your windows and look at them,

and they don't look at you."

OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship,

I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say,

knocking on my neighbor's door,

who plays really good music a bit too loudly.

But what about my current group of friends?

Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance

to hang out like we used to?

"I think yes, with the friends,

the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them.

But it also shows you the ones

that don't disappear because of the time or the distance.

They will be there for you if you need them.

So the special friends.

And this difficult time shows you who cares

and who is a good person or a good friend."

I think she's right.

I don't think there's a magical formula

or a mythical number of hours to chase.

This just takes time and effort.

So if you'll excuse me,

I have a good friend that I need to call.