What makes a friendship last? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

Transcriber:

I've moved about 20 times in my life.

譯者: Devon Fan 審譯者: Helen Chang

到現在為止,我已經搬了二十次家

And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country,

每一次當我搬到一個新社區 新城市或新的國家

it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind.

都讓我更難維持我的上一段友情

But right now,

但現在

sustaining those friendships seems especially important

維持我的友情顯得更加重要

and especially difficult.

也特別困難

So I'm wondering what is manageable?

所以我在想有什麼事我可以控制的

How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?

我要如何在力所可及的情況下 盡力維持我的友誼

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

【我正常嗎? 莫娜·查拉比】

To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources:

為了找出辦法

我向我最信任的兩種資源求助

data and my mum.

數據和我媽

Now, since she hates being on camera,

因為她討厭上鏡

this puppet is going to be as good as it gets.

用這隻玩偶代表她是最好的辦法

But before she weighs in,

在她加入我們之前

I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart

我們先來看看研究 是如何解釋友誼破裂的

in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.

也希望我以後能夠懂得避開那些小陷阱

According to one study,

根據一份研究顯示

friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity

友誼會消失通常是因為缺乏機會

to meet, hang out and connect.

缺乏見面、出去玩或聯絡的機會

Which may explain why, after a year of isolation,

這或許可以解釋為什麼在一年的隔離後

some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread.

我和幾位朋友的友誼變得岌岌可危

The same researcher made headlines

這份研究甚至因為發現

with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.

每個人每七年就會減少 一半的朋友而上了頭條

Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list,

在你因為你的通訊錄而感到恐慌之前

you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds.

你應該了解這其實沒有聽起來那麼嚴重

Over those seven years,

就算在經過幾個七年後

the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable.

你的朋友圈大小其實也沒改變多少

So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now,

所以如果你現在有二三十個朋友

seven years later,

七年之後

you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends.

你或許仍然會有二三十個朋友

The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different.

缺點是大約其中有 52% 的人 會變得不一樣

Over seven years,

在七年間

we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.

我們會置換人際關係中許多人

As someone who has had to work more and more from home,

如果某個人必須更經常地居家工作

the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited.

出門認識新朋友的機會也會受到限制

It's a luxury I don't often have.

這是我很少會有的機會

And the research on the formation of new friends

而對於一段新的友誼的形成

suggest that this takes time.

研究建議這得要多花點時間

A lot of time.

很長的時間

A recent study found

最近的一份研究顯示

that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone

你必須和一個人相處40到50個小時

before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend.

才能把一個熟人變成一個朋友

They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend

而要變成一個好友

around 80 to 100 hours,

大約需要80到100個小時

and get elevated to a best friend

如果要變成你的死黨

after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.

那你們需要真心地相處 至少200個小時以上

And the emphasis here is on quality time.

重點是真心地相處

You might say "hi" to a barista every morning

你可能每天早上都會對咖啡師打招呼

or be polite to a coworker,

或禮貌地對待你的同事

but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.

但你不一定會邀請他們來你家吃晚餐

I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers

我聽到這些數字也感到有點害怕

until I spoke to my mum,

但在我跟我媽聊過之後

who has a more optimistic take on all of this.

她非常樂觀地看待這一切

"A friendship is essential in your life.

「友誼在你的生命中 是不可或缺的一部分

How does friendship start?

如何開始一段友誼呢？

The first thing is to know that person.

首先你必須了解這個人

If you don't want to know these people,

如果你誰都不想了解

if you don't open a window of communication,

如果你不給別人跟你交談的機會

you will never become friends of them.

你們永遠不會成為朋友

You have to start.

你必須先走出那一步

If you want to be isolated,

如果你想與世隔絕

you just shut your windows and look at them,

那你就看著他們 而不去跟他們講話就好了

and they don't look at you."

而他們連看也不會看你一眼」

OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship,

好，所以如果我真的很想交到朋友

I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say,

我可以出門，為交朋友而做出努力

knocking on my neighbor's door,

我可以去敲我鄰居的門

who plays really good music a bit too loudly.

某個很會演奏卻不會控制音量的鄰居

But what about my current group of friends?

而我現在的朋友圈呢？

Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance

難道我們的友誼會消失只是因為

to hang out like we used to?

我們沒有像以前那樣經常一起出去嗎？

"I think yes, with the friends,

「我想是的，關於朋友

the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them.

如果你不常和他們出去 你們的關係只會越來越遠

But it also shows you the ones

但也會讓你發現

that don't disappear because of the time or the distance.

那些不會因為時間或距離消失的朋友

They will be there for you if you need them.

只要你需要他們，他們永遠都會在

So the special friends.

那些特別的朋友

And this difficult time shows you who cares

在這段困難的時期 也讓你知道他們在乎你

and who is a good person or a good friend."

那些是很好的人也是很好的朋友」

I think she's right.

我想我媽是對的

I don't think there's a magical formula

我不覺得友誼有什麼神奇的公式

or a mythical number of hours to chase.

或是說你一定要達到幾個小時數的相處

This just takes time and effort.

交朋友需要的就是時間和努力

So if you'll excuse me,

所以不好意思了

I have a good friend that I need to call.

我現在要打電話給我的好朋友