Charity Tillemann-Dick: After a lung transplant, an aria

Prevodilac: Sandra Gojic Lektor: Ana Zivanovic-Nenadovic

You may not know this,

Možda ne znate,

but you are celebrating an anniversary with me.

ali vi slavite godišnjicu sa mnom.

I'm not married,

Nisam udata,

but one year ago today,

ali tačno pre godinu dana,

I woke up

probudila sam se

from a month-long coma,

iz jednomesečne kome,

following a double lung transplant.

nakon transplantacije oba plućna krila.

Crazy, I know. Insane.

Ludo, znam. Neviđeno.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

Six years before that,

Šest godina pre toga,

I was starting my career

započinjala sam karijeru

as an opera singer in Europe,

operske pevačice u Evropi,

when I was diagnosed with

kada mi je dijagnostikovana

idiopathic pulmonary hypertension --

idiopatska plućna hipertenzija -

also known as PH.

poznata kao PH.

It happens when there's a thickening

Do toga dolazi kada se javi zadebljanje

in the pulmonary veins,

na plućnim venama,

making the right side of the heart

koje čini da desna strana srca

work overtime,

preterano radi,

and causing what I call

što dovodi do, kako ja to zovem,

the reverse-Grinch effect.

obrnutog Grinč efekta.

My heart was three-and-a-half sizes

Moje srce je bilo tri ipo

too big.

puta veće.

Physical activity becomes very difficult

Fizička aktivnost postaje vrlo naporna

for people with this condition,

za osobe sa ovim stanjem.

and usually after two to five years,

I obično posle dve do pet godina,

you die.

umrete.

I went to see this specialist,

Otišla sam kod specijaliste,

and she was top-of-the-field

najboljeg u struci,

and told me I had to stop singing.

i rekla mi je da moram prestati da pevam.

She said, "Those high notes are going to kill you."

Rekla je: "Ti visoki tonovi će te ubiti."

While she didn't have any medical evidence

Iako nije imala medicinski dokaz

to back up her claim

da podupre svoju tvrdju

that there was a relationship

da postoji veza

between operatic arias

između operskih arija

and pulmonary hypertension,

i plućne hipertenzije,

she was absolutely emphatic

bila je u potpunosti sigurna

I was singing my own obituary.

da pevam sebi opelo.

I was very limited by my condition, physically.

Bila sam fizički ograničena zbog svog stanja.

But I was not limited when I sang,

Ali ograničenja nije bilo dok sam pevala.

and as air came up from my lungs,

I dok se vazduh dizao u mojim plućima,

through my vocal cords

do mojih glasnih žica,

and passed my lips as sound,

prelazeći moje usne kao zvuk,

it was the closest thing I had ever come

to je momenat kada sam bila najbliže

to transcendence.

transcendenciji.

And just because of someone's hunch,

I nisam htela da odustanem

I wasn't going to give it up.

samo zbog nečije sumnje.

Thankfully, I met Reda Girgis,

Srećom, upoznala sam Rid Girgisa,

who is dry as toast,

mršavog kao grana,

but he and his team at Johns Hopkins

koji sa svojim timom u Džons Hopkinsu

didn't just want me to survive,

nije želeo da "samo" preživim.

they wanted me

Hteli su da

to live a meaningful life.

živim smislenim životom.

This meant making trade-offs.

To je podrazumevalo pravljenje kompromisa.

I come from Colorado.

Ja sam iz Kolorada.

It's a mile high,

Na visini od oko 1.5 km,

and I grew up there with my 10 brothers and sisters

odrasla sam sa svoje desetoro braće i sestara

and two adoring parents.

i dvoje obožavanih roditelja.

Well, the altitude exacerbated my symptoms.

Pa, visina je pogoršala moje simptome.

So I moved to Baltimore to be near my doctors

Tako sam se preselila u Baltimor, da bih bila blizu svojih

and enrolled in a conservatory nearby.

doktora i uključila se u obližnji konzervatorijum.

I couldn't walk as much as I used to,

Nisam mogla da šetam koliko i ranije,

so I opted for five-inch heels.

pa sam se opredelila za štikle od 13 cm.

And I gave up salt,

I odrekla sam se soli,

I went vegan,

postala vegan

and I started taking huge doses of

i počela da uzimam ogromne doze -

sildenafil,

sildenafia -

also known as Viagra.

poznatog i kao vijagra.

(Laughter)

( smeh )

My father and my grandfather were always looking for the newest thing

Moj otac i deda su stalno tražili najnovije stvari iz oblasti

in alternative or traditional therapies

alternativne ili klasične terapije

for PH,

za PH,

but after six months,

ali posle šest meseci,

I couldn't walk up a small hill. I couldn't climb a flight of stairs.

nisam mogla da se popnem uz malo brdo, ili stepenice,

I could barely stand up

jedva sam stajala

without feeling like I was going to faint.

bez osećaja da ću se onesvestiti.

I had a heart catheterization,

Imala sam srčani kateter,

where they measure this internal arterial pulmonary pressure,

putem kojeg mere unutračnji arterijski plućni pritisak,

which is supposed to be between 15 and 20.

koji bi trebalo da se kreće između 15 i 20.

Mine was 146.

Moj je bio 146.

I like to do things big,

Volim da radim stvari naveliko.

and it meant one thing:

A to je značilo jednu stvar:

there is a big gun treatment

postoji tretman velikim pištoljem

for pulmonary hypertension called Flolan,

za plućnu hipertenziju zvan "Flolan".

and it's not just a drug;

I to nije samo lek,

it's a way of life.

to je način života.

Doctors insert a catheter into your chest,

Doktori ugrade kateter u vaš grudni koš,

which is attached to a pump

koji je povezan sa pumpom

that weighs about four-and-a-half pounds.

teškom oko 2 kilograma.

Every day, 24 hours, that pump is at your side,

Svakog dana, 24 sata, pumpa stoji pored vas,

administering medicine

ubrizgavajući lek

directly to your heart,

direktno u vaše srce.

and it's not

I to nije

a particularly preferable

posebno popularan

medicine in many senses.

lek zbog mnogo razloga.

This is a list of the side effects:

Ovo je lista sporednih efekata:

if you eat too much salt,

ako pojedete previše soli,

like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

recimo sendvič sa puterom od kikirikija i džemom,

you'll probably end up in the ICU.

verovatno ćete završiti na intenzivnoj nezi.

If you go through a metal detector,

Ako prođete kroz detektor metala,

you'll probably die.

verovanto ćete umreti.

If you get a bubble in your medicine --

Ako se u vašem leku stvori mehur vazduha -

because you have to mix it every morning --

jer lek morate da ga zamešate svakog jutra -

and it stays in there,

i ako tu ostane,

you probably die.

verovatno ćete umreti.

If you run out of medicine, you definitely die.

Ako ostanete bez leka, definitivno umirete.

No one wants to go on Flolan.

Niko ne želi da uzima Flolan.

But when I needed it,

Ali kada mi je bio potreban,

it was a godsend.

sam bog ga je poslao.

Within a few days, I could walk again.

Za par dana, ponovo sam hodala.

Within a few weeks, I was performing,

Za par nedelja sam nastupala.

and in a few months,

I za par meseci,

I debuted at the Kennedy Center.

debitovala sam u Kenedi Centru.

The pump was a little bit problematic when performing,

Pumpa je smetala prilikom izvođenja,

so I'd attach it to my inner thigh

pa bih je zakačila sa unutrašnje strane butine

with the help of the girdle and an ACE bandage.

uz pomoć pojasa i elastičnog zavoja.

Literally hundreds of elevator rides

Stotine vožnji liftom je bukvalno

were spent with me alone

potrošeno samo na guranje

stuffing the pump into my Spanx,

pumpe u moj donji veš,

hoping the doors wouldn't open unexpectedly.

nadajući se da se vrate neće iznenada otvoriti.

And the tubing coming out of my chest

A cev koja je izlazila iz mojih grudi

was a nightmare for costume designers.

bila je noćna mora za dizajnere kostima.

I graduated from graduate school in 2006,

Diplomirala sam 2006.

and I got a fellowship to go back to Europe.

i dobila sam stipendiju za povratak u Evropu.

A few days after arriving,

Par dana nakon dolaska

I met this wonderful, old conductor

srela sam jednog divnog starog dirigenta

who started casting me in all of these roles.

koji je počeo da mi daje mnoge uloge.

And before long, I was commuting

I ubrzo nakon toga, putovala sam

between Budapest, Milan

između Budimpešte, Milana

and Florence.

i Firence.

Though I was attached

Iako sam bila vezana

to this ugly, unwanted,

za to ružno, neželjeno,

high-maintenance, mechanical pet,

zahtevno, mehaničko ljubimče,

my life was kind of like the happy part in an opera --

moj život je bio neka vrsta srećnog dela opere -

very complicated,

vrlo komplikovanog,

but in a good way.

ali na dobar način.

Then in February

Onda u februaru

of 2008,

2008.,

my grandfather passed away.

moj otac je preminuo.

He was a big figure in all of our lives,

On je bio velika figura u našim životima,

and we loved him very much.

i mnogo smo ga voleli.

It certainly didn't prepare me

To me sigurno nije pripremilo

for what came next.

za ono što se sledeće dogodilo.

Seven weeks later,

Sedam nedelja kasnije,

I got a call from my family.

dobila sam poziv od porodice.

My father had been in a catastrophic car accident,

Moj otac je imao strašnu saobraćajnu nesreću

and he died.

i umro je.

At 24, my death would have been

Sa 24 godine, moja smrt bi bila

entirely expected.

potpuno očekivana.

But his --

Ali njegova -

well, the only way I can articulate how it felt

pa jedini način da opišem kako sam se osećala

was that it precipitated

jeste da je to ubrzalo

my medical decline.

moju bolest.

Against my doctors' and family's wishes,

Uprkos željama mojih doktora i moje porodice,

I needed to go back for the funeral.

morala sam da odem na sahranu.

I had to say goodbye

Morala sam da se oprostim

in some way, shape or form.

na neki način, bilo koji.

But soon I was showing signs of right-heart failure,

Ali ubrzo sam počela da pokazujem znake desne srčane insuficijencije

and I had to return to sea level,

i morala sam da se vratim na nivo mora,

doing so knowing

znajući da tako

that I probably would never see my home again.

verovatno nikada više neću videti svoj dom.

I canceled most of my engagements that summer,

Otkazala sam većinu svojih aranžmana tog leta,

but I had one left in Tel Aviv, so I went.

ali sam otišla na onaj u Tel Avivu.

After one performance,

Nakon jednog izvođenja,

I could barely drag myself

jedva sam se dovukla

from the stage to the taxicab.

od bine do taksija.

I sat down and felt the blood

Sela sam i osetila kako mi

rush down from my face,

se krv sjurila niz lice.

and in the heat of the desert,

I u srcu pustinje,

I was freezing cold.

smrzavala sam se.

My fingers started turning blue,

Moji prsti su poplaveli,

and I was like, "What is going on here?"

i mislila sam: "Šta se dešava?"

I heard my heart's valves

Čula sam zaliske svog srca

snapping open and closed.

kako se otvaraju i zatvaraju.

The cab stopped,

Taksi se zaustavio,

and I pulled my body from it

izvukla sam svoje telo iz njega

feeling each ounce of weight

osećajući svaki gram svoje težine

as I walked to the elevator.

dok sam hodala ka liftu.

I fell through my apartment door

Pala sam kroz vrata svog stana

and crawled to the bathroom

i otpuzala do kupatila

where I found my problem:

gde sam otkrila u čemu je problem:

I had forgotten to mix in

zaboravila sam da umešam

the most important part of my medicine.

najvažniji deo svog leka.

I was dying,

Umirala sam.

and if I didn't mix that stuff up fast,

I da nisam brzo pomešala svoj lek,

I would never leave that apartment alive.

nikada ne bih živa izašla iz svog stana.

I started mixing,

Počela sam da mešam

and I felt like everything was going to fall out through one hole or another,

i osećala sam da će sve da ispadne kroz jednu ili drugu rupu,

but I just kept on going.

ali sam samo nastavila.

Finally, with the last bottle in and the last bubble out,

Konačno, kako sam pomešala poslednju boci i izbacila poslednji mehur vazduha

I attached the pump to the tubing

povezala sam pumpu sa cevi

and lay there hoping it would kick in

i legla, u nadi da će me udariti

soon enough.

što pre.

If it didn't, I'd probably see my father

Da nije, verovatno bih videla svog oca

sooner than I anticipated.

brže nego što sam očekivala.

Thankfully, in a few minutes,

Srećom, za par minuta,

I saw the signature hive-like rash

Videla sam kako se osip poput košnice

appear on my legs,

pojavljuje na mojim nogama,

which is a side effect of the medication,

što je nus pojava uzimanja leka,

and I knew I'd be okay.

i znala sam da ću biti u redu.

We're not big on fear in my family,

U mojoj porodici nismo nešto posebno plašljivi,

but I was scared.

ali bila sam uplašena.

I went back to the States,

Vratila sam se u Sjedinjene Države,

anticipating I'd return to Europe,

nadajući se da ću se vratiti u Evropu,

but the heart catheterization

ali srčana kateterizacija

showed that I wasn't going anywhere

je pokazivala da neću ići

further that a flight-for-life from Johns Hopkins Hospital.

dalje od leta za život u Džons Hopkins bolnicu.

I performed here and there,

Nastupala sam ponegde,

but as my condition deteriorated,

ali kako se moje stanje pogoršavalo

so did my voice.

tako je i moj glas.

My doctor wanted me to get on the list for a lung transplant.

Moj doktor je hteo da budem na listi za transplantaciju pluća;

I didn't.

ja nisam.

I had two friends who had recently died

Imala sam dvoje prijatelja koji su nedavno umrli,

months after having very challenging surgeries.

nekoliko meseci nakon vrlo izazovnih operacija.

I knew another young man, though, who had PH

Poznavala sam još jednog mladića, koji je imao PH

who died while waiting for one.

i umro je čekajući nova pluća.

I wanted to live.

Ja sam htela da živim.

I thought stem cells were a good option,

Mislila sam da su matične ćelije dobar izbor,

but they hadn't developed to a point

ali one nisu bili razvijene do tačke

where I could take advantage of them yet.

u kojoj bih imala koristi od njih.

I officially took a break from singing,

Zvanično sam pauzirala pevanje

and I went to the Cleveland Clinic

i otišla do Klivlend klinike

to be reevaluated

da bi me po treći put

for the third time in five years, for transplant.

za pet godina procenili za transplantaciju.

I was sitting there kind of unenthusiastically talking

Sedela sam tamo, na neki način bez entuzijazma razgovarala

with the head transplant surgeon,

sam sa glavnim hirurgom,

and I asked him if I needed a transplant,

i pitala sam ga kako mogu da se pripremim

what I could do to prepare.

ukoliko mi transplantacija bude potrebna.

He said, "Be happy.

Rekao je: "Budi srećna.

A happy patient

Srećan pacijent

is a healthy patient."

je zdrav pacijent."

It was like in one verbal swoop

Kao da je u jednom verbalnom napadu

he had channeled my thoughts

usmerio moje misli o životu i

on life and medicine

lečenju

and Confucius.

i Konfučiju.

I still didn't want a transplant,

I dalje nisam želela transplantaciju,

but in a month,

ali za mesec dana,

I was back in the hospital

vratila sam se u bolnicu

with some severely edemic kankles --

sa vrlo ozbiljnim [nejasno] oteklinama -

very attractive.

vrlo privlačno.

And it was right-heart failure.

Bila je u pitanju desna srčana insuficijencija.

I finally decided

Odlučila sam da je konačno

it was time to take my doctor's advice.

vreme da prihvatim savet svoje doktorke.

It was time for me to go to Cleveland

Bilo je vreme da odem u Klivlend

and to start the agonizing wait

i da u agoniji počnem da čekam

for a match.

odgovarajuća pluća.

But the next morning,

Ali sledećeg jutra,

while I was still in the hospital,

dok sam još bila u bolnici,

I got a telephone call.

dobila sam telefonski poziv

It was my doctor in Cleveland,

od moje doktorke iz Klivlenda,

Marie Budev.

Mari Budev.

And they had lungs.

Imali su pluća.

It was a match.

Odgovarala su.

They were from Texas.

Bila su iz Teksasa.

And everybody was really happy for me,

I svi su bili srećni zbog mene,

but me.

osim mene.

Because, despite their problems,

Jer, uprkos njihovim problemima,

I had spent my whole life training my lungs,

provela sam čitav život trenirajući svoja pluća,

and I was not particularly enthusiastic

i nisam bila naročito uzbuđena

about giving them up.

što ću morati da ih se odreknem.

I flew to Cleveland,

Odletela sam u Klivlend.

and my family rushed there

Moja porodica je odjurila tamo

in hopes that they would meet me

sa nadom da će me sresti

and say what we knew

i reći ono što smo znali

might be our final goodbye.

da može biti naš oproštaj.

But organs don't wait,

Ali organi ne čekaju.

and I went into surgery

I otišla sam na operaciju

before I could say goodbye.

pre nego što sam se oprostila.

The last thing I remember

Poslednja stvar koje se sećam

was lying on a white blanket,

je kako ležim na belom ćebetu,

telling my surgeon that I needed to see my mother again,

i govorim svom hirurgu da moram opet videti svoju majku

and to please try and save my voice.

i da proba da sačuva moj glas.

I fell into this apocalyptic dream world.

Pala sam u apokaliptične snove.

During the thirteen-and-a-half-hour surgery,

Tokom operacije duge trinaest i po sati,

I flatlined twice,

Dva puta mi je srce stalo,

40 quarts of blood

40 litara krvi

were infused into my body.

je ubrizgano u moje telo.

And in my surgeon's 20-year career,

A moj hirurg je rekao da ovu operaciju

he said it was among the most difficult transplants

može da svrsta u najteže transplantacije

that he's ever performed.

svoje 20-togodišnje karijere.

They left my chest open for two weeks.

Grudni koš mi je bio otvoren dve nedelje.

You could see my over-sized heart

Mogli ste videti moje uvećano srce

beating inside of it.

kako kuca u njemu.

I was on a dozen machines

Bila sam priključena na desetine mašina

that were keeping me alive.

koje su me održavale u životu.

An infection ravaged my skin.

Infekcija je opustošila moju kožu.

I had hoped my voice would be saved,

Nadala sam se da će se moj glas očuvati,

but my doctors knew

ali su doktori znali

that the breathing tubes going down my throat

da su ga cevi za disanje u mom grlu

might have already destroyed it.

verovatno već uništile.

If they stayed in, there was no way I would ever sing again.

Da su ostale unutra, nikada više ne bih mogla pevati.

So my doctor got the ENT,

Moj doktor je otišao do ORL -

the top guy at the clinic, to come down

stručnjaka na klinici - koji je došao

and give me surgery

i operacijom

to move the tubes around my voice box.

uklonio cevi oko glasne kutije.

He said it would kill me.

Rekao je da bi me to ubilo.

So my own surgeon performed the procedure

Dakle, moj hirurg u poslednjem trenutku obavlja

in a last-ditch attempt to save my voice.

operaciju da spasi moj glas.

Though my mom couldn't say goodbye to me

Iako moja mama nije mogla da se oprosti sa mnom

before the surgery,

pre operacije,

she didn't leave my side

nije se odvajala od mene

in the months of recovery that followed.

u mesecima oporavka koji su usledili.

And if you want an example

I ako želite primer

of perseverance,

istrajnosti,

grit and strength

stabilnosti i snage

in a beautiful, little package,

u lepom malom paketu,

it is her.

to je ona.

One year ago

Pre tačno godinu dana,

to this very day,

dana, na danačnji dan,

I woke up.

probudila sam se.

I was 95 lbs.

Imala sam 43 kg.

There were a dozen tubes

Desetine cevi

coming in and out of my body.

je virilo iz mog tela.

I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk,

Nisam mogla da hodam, da govorim,

I couldn't eat, I couldn't move,

da jedem ni da se pomeram,

I certainly couldn't sing,

a svakako nisam mogla da pevam;

I couldn't even breathe,

nisam čak mogla da dišem,

but when I looked up

ali kada sam pogledala

and I saw my mother,

i videla svoju majku, nisam

I couldn't help but smile.

mogla da se ne nasmejem.

Whether by a Mack truck

Bez obzira da li je u piranju udar kamiona,

or by heart failure

srčana insuficijencija,

or faulty lungs,

ili loša pluća,

death happens.

smrt se događa.

But life isn't really just about avoiding death, is it?

Ali život se ne vrti oko izbegavanja smrti, zar ne?

It's about living.

Život je da se živi.

Medical conditions don't negate the human condition.

Zdravstvena stanja ne poriču ljudsko stanje.

And when people are allowed

I kada je ljudima dozvoljeno

to pursue their passions,

da slede svoju strast,

doctors will find they have better,

doktori će shvatiti da imaju bolje,

happier and healthier patients.

srećnije i zdravije pacijente.

My parents were totally stressed out

Moji roditelji su bili izbezumljeni

about me going and auditioning

mojim audicijama, putovanjima

and traveling and performing all over the place,

i koncertima širom sveta,

but they knew that it was much better for me to do that

ali su znali da je za mene mnogo bolje da to radim,

than be preoccupied with my own mortality all of the time.

nego da sve vreme budem zaokupljena svojom smrti.

And I'm so grateful they did.

I na tome sam im mnogo zahvalna.

This past summer, when I was running and singing

Prošlog leta, kada sam trčala i pevala,

and dancing and playing with my nieces and my nephews

plesala i igrala se sa svojim nećacima

and my brothers and my sisters and my mother and my grandmother

i svojom braćom i sestrama i svojom majkom i bakom

in the Colorado Rockies,

u Kolorado Rokis,

I couldn't help but think of that doctor

nisam mogla da prestanem da mislim na doktorku

who told me that I couldn't sing.

koja mi je rekla da neću moći da pevam.

And I wanted to tell her,

I htela sam da joj kažem

and I want to tell you,

i želim vama da kažem,

we need to stop letting disease

ne smemo dozvoliti da nas bolest

divorce us from our dreams.

više razdvaja od naših snova.

When we do,

Kada to učinimo,

we will find that patients

shvatićemo da pacijenti

don't just survive;

ne samo da preživljavaju,

we thrive.

već i napreduju.

And some of us

I neki od nas

might even sing.

će možda i pevati.

(Applause)

( aplauz )

[Singing: French]

[Peva: francuski]

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

( aplauz )

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

And I'd like to thank my pianist, Monica Lee.

Hvala mojoj pijanistkinji, Moniki Li.

(Applause)

( aplauz )

Thank you so much.

Mnogo vam hvala.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.