Charity Tillemann-Dick: After a lung transplant, an aria

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You may not know this,

Možda to ne znate,

but you are celebrating an anniversary with me.

ali slavite sa mnom jednu godišnjicu.

I'm not married,

Nisam udana,

but one year ago today,

no prije točno godinu dana

I woke up

probudila sam se iz

from a month-long coma,

jednomjesečne kome

following a double lung transplant.

nakon dvostruke transplantacije pluća.

Crazy, I know. Insane.

Ludo, znam. Sumanuto.

Thank you.

Hvala.

Six years before that,

Šest godina ranije

I was starting my career

započinjala sam karijeru

as an opera singer in Europe,

operne pjevačice u Europi,

when I was diagnosed with

kada su mi dijagnosticirali

idiopathic pulmonary hypertension --

idiopatsku plućnu hipertenziju --

also known as PH.

poznata kao PH.

It happens when there's a thickening

Javlja se kad postoji zadebljanje

in the pulmonary veins,

u plućnim venama,

making the right side of the heart

što desnu stranu srca tjera na

work overtime,

prekovremeni rad

and causing what I call

i uzrokuje ono što nazivam

the reverse-Grinch effect.

obrnutim Grinchovim efektom.

My heart was three-and-a-half sizes

Moje je srce bilo tri i pol puta

too big.

veće od normalnog.

Physical activity becomes very difficult

Fizička aktivnost vrlo je otežana

for people with this condition,

osobama s tom bolešću.

and usually after two to five years,

I obično nakon dvije do pet godina

you die.

takva osoba umire.

I went to see this specialist,

Otišla sam specijalistici,

and she was top-of-the-field

najboljoj u struci,

and told me I had to stop singing.

koja mi je rekla da moram prestati pjevati.

She said, "Those high notes are going to kill you."

"Te visoke note će vas ubiti", rekla je.

While she didn't have any medical evidence

Premda nije imala nikakvih medicinskih dokaza

to back up her claim

za potporu svojoj tvrdnji

that there was a relationship

o povezanosti

between operatic arias

između opernih arija

and pulmonary hypertension,

i plućne hipertenzije,

she was absolutely emphatic

apsolutno je naglašavala

I was singing my own obituary.

da pjevam vlastitu osmrtnicu.

I was very limited by my condition, physically.

Bila sam vrlo ograničena svojim stanjem, fizički.

But I was not limited when I sang,

Ali nisam bila ograničena dok sam pjevala.

and as air came up from my lungs,

I kako mi je zrak dolazio iz pluća,

through my vocal cords

kroz glasnice

and passed my lips as sound,

i prolazio kroz usnice kao zvuk,

it was the closest thing I had ever come

bilo je to najbliže što sam se ikad

to transcendence.

približila transcendenciji.

And just because of someone's hunch,

I samo zbog nečijeg predosjećaja

I wasn't going to give it up.

nisam imala namjeru odustati.

Thankfully, I met Reda Girgis,

Srećom, upoznala sam Reda Girgisa,

who is dry as toast,

škrtog na riječima i neduhovitog,

but he and his team at Johns Hopkins

no on i njegov tim na klinici Johns Hopkins

didn't just want me to survive,

nisu htjeli da tek preživim.

they wanted me

Htjeli su da živim

to live a meaningful life.

ispunjen život.

This meant making trade-offs.

To je značilo činiti ustupke.

I come from Colorado.

Potječem iz Kolorada.

It's a mile high,

S velike nadmorske visine,

and I grew up there with my 10 brothers and sisters

gdje sam odrasla s desetero braće i sestara

and two adoring parents.

i dvoje brižnih roditelja.

Well, the altitude exacerbated my symptoms.

Nadmorska visina pogoršavala je moje simptome

So I moved to Baltimore to be near my doctors

pa sam odselila u Baltimore u blizinu liječnika

and enrolled in a conservatory nearby.

i upisala obližnji konzervatorij.

I couldn't walk as much as I used to,

Nisam mogla hodati onoliko koliko sam bila navikla

so I opted for five-inch heels.

pa sam se odlučila za potpetice od 12 cm.

And I gave up salt,

Prestala sam soliti,

I went vegan,

postala veganka,

and I started taking huge doses of

i počela uzimati ogromne doze --

sildenafil,

sildenafila --

also known as Viagra.

poznatog kao Viagra.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

My father and my grandfather were always looking for the newest thing

Moj otac i djed stalno su tragali za najnovijim otkrićima

in alternative or traditional therapies

u alternativnim ili tradicionalnim terapijama

for PH,

za PH,

but after six months,

no nakon šest mjeseci

I couldn't walk up a small hill. I couldn't climb a flight of stairs.

nisam se mogla popeti uz omanje brdo, ni stepenicama,

I could barely stand up

jedva da sam mogla stajati

without feeling like I was going to faint.

a da ne osjećam kao da ću se onesvijestiti.

I had a heart catheterization,

Obavila sam kateterizaciju srca,

where they measure this internal arterial pulmonary pressure,

gdje se mjeri unutarnji plućni arterijski tlak,

which is supposed to be between 15 and 20.

inače između 15 i 20.

Mine was 146.

Moj je bio 146.

I like to do things big,

Volim velike stvari.

and it meant one thing:

A to je značilo jedno:

there is a big gun treatment

postoji lijek 'velikog kalibra'

for pulmonary hypertension called Flolan,

za plućnu hipertenziju, Flolan.

and it's not just a drug;

To nije samo lijek,

it's a way of life.

to je način života.

Doctors insert a catheter into your chest,

Liječnici ti ugrade kateter u grudni koš,

which is attached to a pump

spojen s crpkom koja teži

that weighs about four-and-a-half pounds.

nešto više od dva kilograma.

Every day, 24 hours, that pump is at your side,

Svaki dan, 24 sata dnevno, crpka je uz tebe

administering medicine

i ubrizgava lijek

directly to your heart,

izravno u tvoje srce.

and it's not

I sam lijek

a particularly preferable

nije baš nešto poželjan

medicine in many senses.

lijek iz više razloga.

This is a list of the side effects:

Evo nuspojava:

if you eat too much salt,

Unosiš li previše soli,

like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

jedeš li sendvič od maslaca od kikirikija i marmelade,

you'll probably end up in the ICU.

vjerojatno ćeš završiti na jedinici intenzivne skrbi.

If you go through a metal detector,

Prođeš li kroz detektor metala,

you'll probably die.

vjerojatno ćeš umrijeti.

If you get a bubble in your medicine --

Pojavi li se mjehurić u lijeku --

because you have to mix it every morning --

jer ga moraš miješati svako jutro --

and it stays in there,

i mjehurić ostane,

you probably die.

vjerojatno ćeš umrijeti.

If you run out of medicine, you definitely die.

Ostaneš li bez lijeka, sigurno ćeš umrijeti.

No one wants to go on Flolan.

Nitko ne želi terapiju Flolanom.

But when I needed it,

No kad mi je trebala,

it was a godsend.

bila je dar s neba.

Within a few days, I could walk again.

U roku od par dana mogla sam opet hodati.

Within a few weeks, I was performing,

U roku od par tjedna ponovno sam nastupala.

and in a few months,

A za nekoliko mjeseci

I debuted at the Kennedy Center.

debitirala sam u Kennedy Centru.

The pump was a little bit problematic when performing,

Crpka je bila malo problematična na nastupima

so I'd attach it to my inner thigh

pa sam je pričvrstila s unutarnje strane bedra

with the help of the girdle and an ACE bandage.

steznikom i elastičnim zavojem.

Literally hundreds of elevator rides

Doslovce stotine puta vozila sam

were spent with me alone

se sama dizalom

stuffing the pump into my Spanx,

gurajući crpku u steznik i

hoping the doors wouldn't open unexpectedly.

nadajući se da se vrata neće iznenada otvoriti.

And the tubing coming out of my chest

A cjevčica koja je virila iz mojih grudi

was a nightmare for costume designers.

bila je kostimografima noćna mora.

I graduated from graduate school in 2006,

Diplomirala sam 2006.

and I got a fellowship to go back to Europe.

i dobila stipendiju za povratak u Europu.

A few days after arriving,

Nekoliko dana po dolasku

I met this wonderful, old conductor

upoznala sam predivnog starog dirigenta

who started casting me in all of these roles.

koji mi je počeo davati mnoge uloge.

And before long, I was commuting

I ubrzo zatim putovala sam

between Budapest, Milan

između Budimpešte, Milana

and Florence.

i Firence.

Though I was attached

Premda sam bila vezana

to this ugly, unwanted,

uz tog ružnog, neželjenog,

high-maintenance, mechanical pet,

zahtjevnog, mehaničkog kućnog ljubimca,

my life was kind of like the happy part in an opera --

moj je život bio nalik veselom dijelu u operi --

very complicated,

vrlo kompliciran,

but in a good way.

ali na dobar način.

Then in February

Tada, u veljači

of 2008,

2008.

my grandfather passed away.

umro je moj djed.

He was a big figure in all of our lives,

Bio je važna osoba u našim životima

and we loved him very much.

i silno smo ga voljeli.

It certainly didn't prepare me

To me zasigurno nije pripremilo

for what came next.

za ono što će uslijediti.

Seven weeks later,

Sedam tjedana kasnije,

I got a call from my family.

primila sam poziv obitelji.

My father had been in a catastrophic car accident,

Moj je otac doživio strašnu prometnu nezgodu

and he died.

koju nije preživio.

At 24, my death would have been

S 24 godine moja bi smrt bila

entirely expected.

potpuno očekivana.

But his --

Ali njegova --

well, the only way I can articulate how it felt

jedini način na koji mogu izraziti taj osjećaj

was that it precipitated

je taj da je to ubrzalo

my medical decline.

pogoršanje mog stanja.

Against my doctors' and family's wishes,

Suprotno želji mojih liječnika i obitelji

I needed to go back for the funeral.

morala sam otići na sprovod.

I had to say goodbye

Morala sam se oprostiti

in some way, shape or form.

na neki način, u nekom obliku.

But soon I was showing signs of right-heart failure,

No uskoro su se pokazali znakovi zatajenja desne strane srca

and I had to return to sea level,

i trebala sam se vratiti na razinu mora,

doing so knowing

a učinivši to znala sam

that I probably would never see my home again.

da vjerojatno više nikada neću vidjeti svoj dom.

I canceled most of my engagements that summer,

Otkazala sam većinu svojih angažmana to ljeto,

but I had one left in Tel Aviv, so I went.

no imala sam još jedan u Tel Avivu, na koji sam otišla.

After one performance,

Nakon jednog nastupa

I could barely drag myself

jedva sam se odvukla s

from the stage to the taxicab.

pozornice u taksi.

I sat down and felt the blood

Sjela sam i osjetila kako

rush down from my face,

mi krv odlazi iz lica.

and in the heat of the desert,

Usred pustinjske vrućine

I was freezing cold.

ja sam se smrzavala.

My fingers started turning blue,

Prsti su mi počeli plaviti i

and I was like, "What is going on here?"

pitala sam se "Što se sad događa?"

I heard my heart's valves

Čula sam kako mi se srčani zalisci

snapping open and closed.

otvaraju i zatvaraju.

The cab stopped,

Taksi se zaustavio,

and I pulled my body from it

izvukla sam svoje tijelo iz njega

feeling each ounce of weight

osjećajući svaki gram težine

as I walked to the elevator.

i odšetala do dizala.

I fell through my apartment door

Upala sam kroz vrata apartmana

and crawled to the bathroom

i otpuzala do kupaonice

where I found my problem:

gdje sam ustanovila problem:

I had forgotten to mix in

zaboravila sam umiješati

the most important part of my medicine.

najvažniji sastojak svog lijeka.

I was dying,

Umirala sam.

and if I didn't mix that stuff up fast,

Ako brzo ne smiješam tu stvar,

I would never leave that apartment alive.

iz apartmana više neću izići živa.

I started mixing,

Počela sam miješati

and I felt like everything was going to fall out through one hole or another,

i osjećala kao da će sve propasti kroz jednu rupu ili drugu,

but I just kept on going.

ali sam uspjela nastaviti.

Finally, with the last bottle in and the last bubble out,

Naposljetku, s posljednjom bočicom i posljednjim istjeranim mjehurićem

I attached the pump to the tubing

spojila sam crpku s cjevčicom

and lay there hoping it would kick in

i legla nadajući se da će početi

soon enough.

dovoljno brzo djelovati.

If it didn't, I'd probably see my father

Da nije, vjerojatno bih vidjela svog oca

sooner than I anticipated.

i prije nego što sam mislila.

Thankfully, in a few minutes,

Srećom, za nekoliko minuta

I saw the signature hive-like rash

vidjela sam prepoznatljiv osip,

appear on my legs,

koprivnjaču na nogama,

which is a side effect of the medication,

što je nuspojava lijeka,

and I knew I'd be okay.

i znala sam da ću biti dobro.

We're not big on fear in my family,

Nismo baš neki plašljivci u obitelji,

but I was scared.

no ja sam se bojala.

I went back to the States,

Vratila sam se u SAD,

anticipating I'd return to Europe,

očekujući da ću se vratiti u Europu,

but the heart catheterization

ali kateterizacija srca pokazala

showed that I wasn't going anywhere

je da neću stići dalje od

further that a flight-for-life from Johns Hopkins Hospital.

hitnog prijevoza helikopterom klinike Johns Hopkins.

I performed here and there,

Povremeno sam nastupala,

but as my condition deteriorated,

no moje se stanje pogoršavalo,

so did my voice.

a i moj glas.

My doctor wanted me to get on the list for a lung transplant.

Moj me liječnik htio uvrstiti na popis za transplantaciju pluća;

I didn't.

ja nisam htjela.

I had two friends who had recently died

Dvoje mojih prijatelja nedavno je umrlo

months after having very challenging surgeries.

nekoliko mjeseci nakon vrlo zahtjevnih zahvata.

I knew another young man, though, who had PH

Poznavala sam još jednog mladića s PH-om

who died while waiting for one.

koji je umro čekajući transplantaciju.

I wanted to live.

Htjela sam živjeti.

I thought stem cells were a good option,

Mislila sam kako su matične stanice dobra opcija,

but they hadn't developed to a point

no nisu se razvile do točke

where I could take advantage of them yet.

da bih ih već mogla koristiti.

I officially took a break from singing,

Službeno sam uzela odmor od pjevanja,

and I went to the Cleveland Clinic

potom otišla na kliniku u Clevelandu

to be reevaluated

na ponovnu procjenu

for the third time in five years, for transplant.

transplantacije, treći put u pet godina.

I was sitting there kind of unenthusiastically talking

Sjedila sam tamo i nimalo oduševljeno razgovarala

with the head transplant surgeon,

s glavnim kirurgom za transplantacije

and I asked him if I needed a transplant,

te ga upitala: ako trebam transplantaciju,

what I could do to prepare.

što mogu učiniti da se pripremim.

He said, "Be happy.

Rekao je, "Budi sretna.

A happy patient

Sretan pacijent

is a healthy patient."

je zdrav pacijent."

It was like in one verbal swoop

Bilo je to poput verbalnog obrušavanja,

he had channeled my thoughts

kanalizirao je moje misli

on life and medicine

o životu i medicini

and Confucius.

i Konfucija.

I still didn't want a transplant,

I dalje nisam željela transplantaciju,

but in a month,

no mjesec dana kasnije

I was back in the hospital

vratila sam se u bolnicu

with some severely edemic kankles --

s ozbiljno otečenim gležnjevima --

very attractive.

vrlo atraktivno.

And it was right-heart failure.

Bilo je to otkazivanje desne strane srca.

I finally decided

Naposljetku sam odlučila

it was time to take my doctor's advice.

da je vrijeme da prihvatim liječnikov savjet.

It was time for me to go to Cleveland

Bilo je vrijeme da pođem u Cleveland

and to start the agonizing wait

i započnem agoniju čekanja

for a match.

na prikladnog davatelja.

But the next morning,

No sljedeće jutro,

while I was still in the hospital,

dok sam još bila u bolnici,

I got a telephone call.

primila sam telefonski poziv.

It was my doctor in Cleveland,

Bila je to moja liječnica iz Clevelanda,

Marie Budev.

Marie Budev.

And they had lungs.

I imali su pluća.

It was a match.

Koja odgovaraju.

They were from Texas.

Stigla iz Teksasa.

And everybody was really happy for me,

I svi su bili istinski sretni zbog mene,

but me.

osim mene.

Because, despite their problems,

Jer unatoč svim problemima,

I had spent my whole life training my lungs,

provela sam cijeli život trenirajući svoja pluća

and I was not particularly enthusiastic

i nije me baš oduševljavala ideja da

about giving them up.

ih napustim.

I flew to Cleveland,

Odletjela sam u Cleveland.

and my family rushed there

I moja je obitelj pojurila tamo

in hopes that they would meet me

nadajući se da će me vidjeti

and say what we knew

i reći mi ono što smo znali

might be our final goodbye.

da bi mogao biti posljednji zbogom.

But organs don't wait,

No organi ne čekaju.

and I went into surgery

I otišla sam na kirurgiju

before I could say goodbye.

prije nego što sam se pozdravila.

The last thing I remember

Posljednje čega se sjećam

was lying on a white blanket,

bilo je ležanje na bijeloj plahti

telling my surgeon that I needed to see my mother again,

i moj kirurg kojem sam rekla da želim opet vidjeti svoju majku

and to please try and save my voice.

te da ga molim da pokuša sačuvati moj glas.

I fell into this apocalyptic dream world.

Utonula sam u apokaliptičan svijet snova.

During the thirteen-and-a-half-hour surgery,

Tijekom 13 i pol sati dugog zahvata

I flatlined twice,

dvaput su prestale sve moje vitalne funkcije,

40 quarts of blood

a u moje je tijelo

were infused into my body.

uneseno oko 38 litara krvi.

And in my surgeon's 20-year career,

Moj je kirurg rekao da je u njegovoj

he said it was among the most difficult transplants

20-godišnjoj karijeri moja transplantacija bila jedna

that he's ever performed.

od najtežih koje je ikad izveo.

They left my chest open for two weeks.

Grudni koš ostavili su otvorenim dva tjedna.

You could see my over-sized heart

Mogli su vidjeti moje preveliko srce

beating inside of it.

kako kuca u njemu.

I was on a dozen machines

Bila sam priključena na desetak aparata

that were keeping me alive.

koji su me održavali na životu.

An infection ravaged my skin.

Koža mi je bila zahvaćena infekcijom.

I had hoped my voice would be saved,

Nadala sam se da će mi glas ostati sačuvan,

but my doctors knew

no moji su liječnici znali

that the breathing tubes going down my throat

da su ga cjevčice respiratora koje idu niz grlo

might have already destroyed it.

možda već uništile.

If they stayed in, there was no way I would ever sing again.

Ostanu li cjevčice unutra, nema šanse da ću ikada više pjevati.

So my doctor got the ENT,

Moj je liječnik pozvao specijalista za uho, grlo i nos --

the top guy at the clinic, to come down

najboljeg na klinici - da dođe i izvede

and give me surgery

operativni zahvat

to move the tubes around my voice box.

pomicanja cjevčica oko grkljana.

He said it would kill me.

Rekao je da će me to ubiti.

So my own surgeon performed the procedure

Tako je moj kirurg izveo zahvat

in a last-ditch attempt to save my voice.

u očajničkom pokušaju da mi sačuva glas.

Though my mom couldn't say goodbye to me

Premda se mama nije mogla pozdraviti sa mnom

before the surgery,

prije operacije,

she didn't leave my side

tijekom mjeseci koji su slijedili

in the months of recovery that followed.

nije napuštala moju postelju.

And if you want an example

Ako želite primjer

of perseverance,

ustrajnosti,

grit and strength

izdržljivosti i snage

in a beautiful, little package,

u lijepom malom paketiću,

it is her.

to je ona.

One year ago

Prije točno godinu

to this very day,

dana,

I woke up.

ustala sam iz kreveta.

I was 95 lbs.

Težila sam 42 kg.

There were a dozen tubes

Desetak cjevčica

coming in and out of my body.

ulazilo je i izlazilo iz mog tijela.

I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk,

Nisam mogla hodati, nisam mogla govoriti,

I couldn't eat, I couldn't move,

nisam mogla jesti, nisam se mogla kretati

I certainly couldn't sing,

i dakako da nisam mogla pjevati.

I couldn't even breathe,

Nisam mogla niti disati,

but when I looked up

no kad sam pogledala gore

and I saw my mother,

i vidjela svoju majku,

I couldn't help but smile.

mogla sam se samo nasmiješiti.

Whether by a Mack truck

Sudarom s kamionom,

or by heart failure

srčanim udarom

or faulty lungs,

ili s lošim plućima,

death happens.

smrt se događa.

But life isn't really just about avoiding death, is it?

No život nije baš samo izbjegavanje smrti, zar ne?

It's about living.

Radi se o življenju.

Medical conditions don't negate the human condition.

Zdravstveno stanje ne negira ljudsko stanje.

And when people are allowed

A ako ljudi mogu

to pursue their passions,

strastveno slijediti svoje snove,

doctors will find they have better,

liječnici će ustanoviti da imaju bolje,

happier and healthier patients.

sretnije i zdravije pacijente.

My parents were totally stressed out

Moji su roditelji bili potpuno u stresu

about me going and auditioning

od mog odlaženja, audicija

and traveling and performing all over the place,

i putovanja i nastupa posvuda,

but they knew that it was much better for me to do that

no znali su da je to puno bolje za mene nego biti

than be preoccupied with my own mortality all of the time.

stalno zaokupljena vlastitom smrtnošću.

And I'm so grateful they did.

I silno sam zahvalna što je tako bilo.

This past summer, when I was running and singing

Prošlo ljeto dok sam trčala i pjevala

and dancing and playing with my nieces and my nephews

i plesala i igrala se s nećakinjama i nećacima

and my brothers and my sisters and my mother and my grandmother

i svojom braćom i sestrama te majkom i bakom

in the Colorado Rockies,

u Colorado Rockies,

I couldn't help but think of that doctor

nisam mogla ne sjetiti se liječnice

who told me that I couldn't sing.

koja mi je rekla da neću moći pjevati.

And I wanted to tell her,

I poželjela sam joj reći,

and I want to tell you,

a to želim reći i vama,

we need to stop letting disease

moramo prestati dopuštati da nas

divorce us from our dreams.

bolest rastavlja od naših snova.

When we do,

Ako to učinimo,

we will find that patients

shvatit ćemo da pacijenti

don't just survive;

ne samo preživljavaju,

we thrive.

mi napredujemo i sretni smo.

And some of us

A neki od nas

might even sing.

mogli bi čak i pjevati.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

[Singing: French]

[Pjeva: Francuski]

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

And I'd like to thank my pianist, Monica Lee.

Želim zahvaliti mojoj pijanistici, Monici Lee.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Thank you so much.

Hvala najljepša.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.