Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free

Prevodilac: Bojana Rajić Lektor: Mile Živković

I know a man who soars above the city every night.

Znam čoveka koji se uzdiže iznad grada svake noći.

In his dreams, he twirls and swirls

U svojim snovima on se vitla i kovitla

with his toes kissing the Earth.

i stopalima ljubi tlo.

Everything has motion, he claims,

Sve se pokreće, on tvrdi,

even a body as paralyzed as his own.

čak i telo paralizovano kao njegovo.

This man is my father.

Ovaj čovek je moj otac.

Three years ago, when I found out

Pre tri godine, kada sam otkrila

that my father had suffered a severe stroke

da je moj otac pretrpeo ozbiljan infarkt

in his brain stem,

u moždanom stablu,

I walked into his room in the ICU

ušla sam u njegovu sobu na intenzivnoj nezi

at the Montreal Neurological Institute

na Neurološkom institutu u Montrealu

and found him lying deathly still,

i našla ga kako leži smrtno miran,

tethered to a breathing machine.

prikačen na mašinu za disanje.

Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,

Paraliza je pokorila njegovo telo polako,

beginning in his toes, then legs,

počevši u nožnim prstima, pa nogama,

torso, fingers and arms.

trupu, prstima i rukama.

It made its way up his neck,

Pronašla je svoj put do vrata,

cutting off his ability to breathe,

presecajući njegovu mogućnost da diše,

and stopped just beneath the eyes.

i zastala ispod očiju.

He never lost consciousness.

Nikada nije izgubio svest.

Rather, he watched from within

Posmatrao je iznutra

as his body shut down,

kako mu se telo gasi,

limb by limb,

ud po ud,

muscle by muscle.

mišić po mišić.

In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,

U toj sobi, prišla sam telu svog oca,

and with a quivering voice and through tears,

i drhtavim glasom i kroz suze,

I began reciting the alphabet.

počela da izgovaram abecedu.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

H, I, J, K.

H, I, J, K.

At K, he blinked his eyes.

Na K je trepnuo.

I began again.

Počela sam ponovo.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

H, I.

H, I.

He blinked again at the letter I,

Ponovo je trepnuo na slovo I,

then at T, then at R, and A:

pa T, onda R, pa A:

Kitra.

Kitra.

He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.

Rekao je "Kitra, lepoto moja, nemoj da plačeš.

This is a blessing."

Ovo je blagoslov."

There was no audible voice, but my father

Nije bilo zvuka, ali je moj otac

called out my name powerfully.

pozvao moje ime snažno.

Just 72 hours after his stroke,

Samo 72 sata posle udara,

he had already embraced

već je prigrlio

the totality of his condition.

celinu svog stanja.

Despite his extreme physical state,

Uprkos njegovom ekstremnom fizičkom stanju,

he was completely present with me,

bio je u potpunosti prisutan sa mnom,

guiding, nurturing,

vodeći, negujući,

and being my father as much

i bivavši moj otac toliko

if not more than ever before.

ako ne i više nego pre.

Locked-in syndrome

Sindrom: zarobljen u svom telu

is many people's worst nightmare.

je noćna mora većine ljudi.

In French, it's sometimes called

Na francuskom je ponekad nazvan

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant".

Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."

Doslovno, "oboljenje živ sahranjen".

For many people, perhaps most,

Za mnogo ljudi, većinu možda,

paralysis is an unspeakable horror,

paraliza je neizreciv horor,

but my father's experience

ali iskustvo moga oca

losing every system of his body

koji gubi svaki sistem svog tela

was not an experience of feeling trapped,

nije bilo iskustvo osećaja zarobljenosti,

but rather of turning the psyche inwards,

već okretanje psihi,

dimming down the external chatter,

zatamnjivanje spoljašnjeg izgleda,

facing the recesses of his own mind,

suočavanje sa dubinama njegovog uma,

and in that place,

i u tom trenutku,

falling in love with life and body anew.

zaljubljivanje u život i telo iznova.

As a rabbi and spiritual man

Kao rabin i duhovna osoba

dangling between mind and body, life and death,

njišući se između uma i tela, života i smrti,

the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.

paraliza mu je otvorila nove vidike.

He realized he no longer needed to look

Shvatio je da više nije morao da gleda

beyond the corporeal world

izvan telesnog sveta

in order to find the divine.

da bi pronašao božansko.

"Paradise is in this body.

"Raj je u ovom telu.

It's in this world," he said.

Na ovom je svetu," rekao je.

I slept by my father's side for the first four months,

Spavala sam pored njega prva četiri meseca,

tending as much as I could

negujući koliko sam mogla

to his every discomfort,

svaku njegovu nelagodnost,

understanding the deep human psychological fear

razumevajući dubok ljudski psihološki strah

of not being able to call out for help.

nemogućnosti da se pozove u pomoć.

My mother, sisters, brother and I,

Moja majka, sestre, brat i ja

we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.

smo ga zatvorili u čauru isceljenja.

We became his mouthpiece,

Postali smo njegovi portparoli

spending hours each day reciting the alphabet

provodeći sate svakoga dana recitujući abecedu,

as he whispered back sermons

dok je on šaputao propovedi

and poetry with blinks of his eye.

i poeziju treptajima oka.

His room, it became our temple of healing.

Njegova soba postala je hram isceljenja.

His bedside became a site for those

Njegova postelja postala je mesto za one

seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,

koji traže savet i duhovnu utehu, i kroz nas

my father was able to speak

moj otac mogao je da govori

and uplift,

i stimuliše,

letter by letter,

slovo po slovo,

blink by blink.

treptaj po treptaj.

Everything in our world became slow and tender

Sve je u našem svetu postalo sporije i nežnije

as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward

dok su buka, drama i smrt bolničkog odeljenja

faded into the background.

bledeli u pozadini.

I want to read to you one of the first things

Želim da vam pročitam jednu od prvih stvari

that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.

koju smo zapisali u nedelji posle udara.

He composed a letter,

Sastavio je pismo,

addressing his synagogue congregation,

obraćajući se svojoj zajednici u sinagogi,

and ended it with the following lines:

i završio ga sledećim redovima:

"When my nape exploded,

"Kada je moj potiljak eksplodirao,

I entered another dimension:

ušao sam u drugu dimenziju:

inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.

početnu, nadplanetarnu, protozoansku.

Universes are opened and closed continually.

Univerzumi se otvaraju i zatvaraju stalno.

There are many when low,

Postoje mnogi koji, kada je nisko,

who stop growing.

prestaju da rastu.

Last week, I was brought so low,

Prošle nedelje, pao sam tako nisko,

but I felt the hand of my father around me,

ali sam osetio ruku svoga oca oko sebe,

and my father brought me back."

i moj otac vratio me je nazad."

When we weren't his voice,

Kada mi nismo bili njegov glas,

we were his legs and arms.

bili smo njegove noge i ruke.

I moved them like I know I would have wanted

Pomerala sam ih kao da sam znala kako bih želela

my own arms and legs to be moved

da moje ruke i noge budu pomerane

were they still for all the hours of the day.

kada bi bile mirne sve sate u toku dana.

I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,

Sećam se da bih držala njegove prste blizu svog lica,

bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.

savijajući svaki zglob da bi ostao mek i savitljiv.

I'd ask him again and again

Pitala bih ga iznova i iznova

to visualize the motion,

da vizualizuje pokrete,

to watch from within as the finger curled

da posmatra iznutra dok se prst uvija

and extended, and to move along with it

i ispravlja, i da se kreće zajedno sa njim

in his mind.

u svom umu.

Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,

Onda, jednog dana, krajičkom svog oka,

I saw his body slither like a snake,

videla sam kako njegovo telo klizi kao zmija,

an involuntary spasm passing through the course

nehotičan trzaj prolazi kroz tok

of his limbs.

njegovih udova.

At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,

Isprva, mislila sam da haluciniram,

having spent so much time tending to this one body,

provevši toliko vremena negujući ovo jedno telo,

so desperate to see anything react on its own.

tako očajno želeći da vidim da bilo šta samostalno reaguje.

But he told me he felt tingles,

Ali mi je rekao da je osetio golicanje,

sparks of electricity flickering on and off

iskre elektriciteta koje se pale i gase

just beneath the surface of the skin.

ispod površine kože.

The following week, he began ever so slightly

Sledeće nedelje, počeo je da neznatno

to show muscle resistance.

pokazuje otpor mišića.

Connections were being made.

Povezanost je napravljena.

Body was slowly and gently reawakening,

Telo se polako i nežno ponovo budilo,

limb by limb, muscle by muscle,

ud po ud, mišić po mišić,

twitch by twitch.

trzaj po trzaj.

As a documentary photographer,

Kao dokumentarni fotograf,

I felt the need to photograph

osetila sam potrebu da fotografišem

each of his first movements

svaki od ovih prvih pokreta

like a mother with her newborn.

kao majka svoje novorođenče.

I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,

Fotografisala sam ga kako uzima svoj prvi nepomognut uzdah,

the celebratory moment after he showed

slavljenički trenutak nakon što je pokazao

muscle resistance for the very first time,

otpor mišića po prvi put,

the new adapted technologies that allowed him

nove tehnologije prilagođene da mu dozvole

to gain more and more independence.

da stekne sve više i više nezavisnosti.

I photographed the care and the love

Fotografisala sam brigu i ljubav

that surrounded him.

koja ga je okruživala.

But my photographs only told the outside story

Ali moje slike pričaju samo spoljašnju priču

of a man lying in a hospital bed

čoveka koji leži u bolničkom krevetu

attached to a breathing machine.

privezan na mašinu za disanje.

I wasn't able to portray his story from within,

Nisam bila u mogućnosti da oslikam njegovu priču iznutra,

and so I began to search for a new visual language,

pa sam počela da tragam za novim vizuelnim jezikom,

one which strived to express the ephemeral quality

onim koji teži da izrazi kvalitet kratkotrajnosti

of his spiritual experience.

duhovnog iskustva.

Finally, I want to share with you

Na kraju, želim da podelim sa vama

a video from a series that I've been working on

video iz serije na kojoj radim,

that tries to express the slow, in-between existence

koja pokušava da izrazi usporeno postojanje između,

that my father has experienced.

koje je moj otac doživeo.

As he began to regain his ability to breathe,

Kada je počeo da povraća svoju sposobnost da diše,

I started recording his thoughts,

počela sam da snimam njegove misli,

and so the voice that you hear in this video

pa je glas koji čujete na ovom videu

is his voice.

njegov glas.

(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe

(Video) Roni Kahana: Morate da verujete

you're paralyzed

da ste paralizovani

to play the part

da biste odigrali ulogu

of a quadriplegic.

kvadriplegičara.

I don't.

Ja ne verujem.

In my mind,

U svom umu

and in my dreams

i svojim snovima

every night

svake noći

I Chagall-man float

ja Šigal-čovek lebdim

over the city

iznad grada,

twirl and swirl

vitlam i kovitlam

with my toes kissing the floor.

i stopalima ljubim tlo.

I know nothing about the statement

Ne znam ništa o izrazu

of man without motion.

čoveka bez kretanja.

Everything has motion.

Sve ima pokrete.

The heart pumps.

Srce pumpa.

The body heaves.

Telo se podiže.

The mouth moves.

Usne se pomeraju.

We never stagnate.

Nikada ne mirujemo.

Life triumphs up and down.

Život trijumfuje gore i dole.

Kitra Cahana: For most of us,

Kitra Kahana: Za većinu nas,

our muscles begin to twitch and move

naši mišići počinju da se grče i pomeraju

long before we are conscious,

mnogo pre nego što smo svesni,

but my father tells me his privilege

ali moj otac kaže da je njegova privilegija

is living on the far periphery

život na dalekoj periferiji

of the human experience.

ljudskog iskustva.

Like an astronaut who sees a perspective

Kao astronaut koji vidi perspektivu

that very few of us will ever get to share,

koju će mali broj nas moći da podeli,

he wonders and watches as he takes

on se čudi i posmatra dok uzima

his first breaths

svoje prve uzdahe

and dreams about crawling back home.

i sanja da se puzeći vrati kući.

So begins life at 57, he says.

Tako počinje život u 57-oj, on kaže.

A toddler has no attitude in its being,

Beba nema stav u svom biću,

but a man insists on his world every day.

ali čovek insistira na svom svetu svakoga dana.

Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations

Malo nas će ikada morati da se suoči sa fizičkim ograničenjima

to the degree that my father has,

do te mere kao moj otac,

but we will all have moments of paralysis

ali ćemo svi imati momente paralize

in our lives.

u svojim životima.

I know I frequently confront walls

Znam da se ja često suočavam sa zidovima

that feel completely unscalable,

koji se čine kompletno nedostižnim,

but my father insists

ali moj otac insistira

that there are no dead ends.

da ne postoje ćorsokaci.

Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing

Umesto toga, on me pozove u svoj prostor isceljenja

to give the very best of myself, and for him

da dam najbolje od sebe, i za njega

to give the very best of himself to me.

da da najbolje od sebe za mene.

Paralysis was an opening for him.

Paraliza je bila otvaranje za njega.

It was an opportunity to emerge,

To je bila prilika da razjasni,

to rekindle life force,

ponovo zapali životnu snagu,

to sit still long enough with himself

da dovoljno dugo mirno sedi sam sa sobom

so as to fall in love with the full continuum

da se ponovo zaljubi u punu beskonačnost

stvaranja.

of creation.

Today, my father is no longer locked in.

Danas, moj otac više nije zaključan.

He moves his neck with ease,

Pokreće svoj vrat sa lakoćom,

has had his feeding peg removed,

klin za hranjenje mu je uklonjen,

breathes with his own lungs,

diše sopstvenim plućima,

speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,

govori polako sopstvenim tihim glasom,

and works every day

i radi svakog dana na tome

to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.

da stekne više pokreta u svom paralizovanom telu.

But the work will never be finished.

Ali posao nikada neće biti završen.

As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,

Kao što on kaže, "Živim u pokvarenom svetu,

and there is holy work to do."

i imam svetog posla da radim."

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)